#I've never felt dysphoria like it before it's genuinely suffocating

[s4pphic-sh3nan1gans]

why do I feel so off lately and why is a fuck ton of dysphoria hitting me out of nowhere ajshsjshs I don't even know what it is but I just feel so awful and don't even recognise myself, I just want to tear my skin off cos everything feels wrong :(

[mosscaller]

Please pardon this, but I need to vent and I wasn't sure where else to post.

I've been going through quite a lot lately. It's all so overwhelming. I know that life throws punches at you, but from my Father getting cancer to him passing. Then having to fly up there by myself ( lay overs, and as a disabled person trying to run to each gate was agonizing and stressful af. ) did a real number on me. I didn't get to say goodbye to him.

After all I went through to fly up there, and to the heart breaking moment when I was standing his broken apartment - I got the call from my Aunt that he had passed. It broke me. Due to my autism, bpd, bipolar 2 and severe depression I've not been able to fully deal with it..

I did manage to cry the other night finally. Which, was a lot to handle. It feels like there's a hollow pit threatening to swallow me whole. I hate it. It's so powerful and suffocating.

My wife isn't here to comfort me. She had to take care of something a few states away, so I'm here by myself for the next few days.

On top of all of that, I recently had dental surgery to remove my top row of teeth due to health issues ( anemia ) and it's been earth shattering to see myself like that. I was thankfully fitted with a temporary denture while I'm healing - but it's a lot to handle.

I've always been sickly, and knew this would eventually happen. But I didn't know how to properly prepare myself for it, you know? It hurts. I have dysphoria when it comes to my appearance and health, but I feel broken.

Now, onto the part that's fucking me up the most - I had this person in my life that I THOUGHT was my best friend. We've known each other since Highschool. I genuinely thought we were close, because we had been through everything together. She was around before I transitioned, through all of my medical issues and I was there for her when her Mom passed from cancer, when she lost her family home - etc...everything.

Around the time my Dad told me he was dying, and we were repairing our relationship ( thanks to my Mother lying about so much, and keeping my heritage from me ) - she knew I was overwhelmed, and KNEW about my mental disorders/health and abandonment issues.

My Dad's health took a serious turn and he was admitted to a hospice center by my Aunt. He had gone deaf and blind. She bought me a ticket and told me to get my ass up there, it's time..

A week or so before I had to go, my wife and I got married. We had already had plans about it - everything just lined up in a weird af way. I posted pictures on FB about it, because I was and still am proud of that moment.

...after that my "friend" ghosted me. Nothing.

I tried reaching out. Calling. Messaging. Everything. ( If you know anything about BPD and Bipolar 2, this is not a good thing.. ) I couldn't get a hold of her, but she was still posting.

So, I tried reaching out to the friend group I met through her - radio silence from all of them. Nothing. FOR WEEKS. And since I had to fly up and be with my Dad, it got shelved and I set it all aside.

When I got back I tried reaching out again. Because I desperately wanted my best friend and some comfort..

Nothing. Still. Nothing.

They all ghosted me. I still do not understand what I did..

So I removed them all from my contacts, and all socials. I don't understand what I could of done wrong and it hurts me so fucking much. I thought...we were close...that she cared about me. I don't know what I did wrong.

My 31st birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and it will be the first time I'll be spending it without them...without my Dad. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 30 and don't have any close friends due to severe trauma and trust issues. It hurts.

I've never felt this lonely before.