#I've never felt any romantic/sexual attraction of any sort until now and it's uncomfortable :/ I'd rather not have it...

[maybe-a-gatto-or-a-catto]

I can't tell if I'm simping (admiring) for Kohane or if I'm SIMPING simping for Kohane hdkebs

[spookyconsultingcriminal]

This is my first pride month as part of the aroace community and I'm just so happy!!!

I have identified as ace for about seven/six years now. It just felt so good to finally understand what was going on with me, especially going through high school when absolutely everything seems to be somehow connected to sex and sexual attraction.

After that every time I considered a romantic relationship I'd simply brush it off, because I was afraid I'd not be respected as an asexual person and stuff.

I've been living normally ever since. Until, well...This year.

There is this guy at work and I had one of my platonic crushes. He was just so handsome and seemed so nice and cool. We became colleagues and eventually we started to text. Out of the blue he said he liked me.

I was shocked!

Mostly because I never saw myself as someone who anyone could feel attracted to. I mean... I don't think I'm pretty and I'm also socially awkward. It just... Doesn't make sense for me.

Yet... He was there, saying he liked me. Saying I was beautiful and funny and awesome.

So I thought "why not?". I had a crush on him after all.

We started to... I don't want to say date, because I didn't feel like we were dating and the whole thing happened within a month. But we started to talk about our situation and stuff. He asked about my asexuality and after I explained the whole thing he said he was completely alright with it.

I WAS THRILLED. If I had any doubts before they almost went away completely after this.

Almost.

I was trying my best to make it work, because he said he was alright with me being ace and that NEVER happened before.

But then things started to get weird.

He always said he liked me just the way I was (I know, Bruno Mars vibes) and yet he tried to change me every now and then

I mean, I'm not the most affectionate person in the world. I have my own way of showing affection and I reckon THAT'S OKAY.

But he would constantly ask for physical affection like kissing (he was my first kiss EVER) and hugging, which I loathe (I only hug people I REALLY trust and love like me mum and me best friend). And when I didn't give him what he wanted he would simply rant about how life was hard for him and how he just needed care and physical affection. He even mentioned on one of his rants that he had such a busy sexual life in his previous relationship and that I "would never understand it" because I am ace.

He would also talk about the future so often. I might be crazy on this one but it made me feel trapped, ambushed in a way.

I talked about getting a master's degree in a different city? He said we should look for flats.

I bought this beautiful ring that looked like an engagement one? He said I was engaged to him.

I said I never wanted to have kids? He said it was okay, we could get lots of cats or dogs.

All in less than two weeks.

He also seemed very comprehensive, but he constantly disrespected my boundaries to the point of hugging me during an anxiety attack when I was feeling hyper sensitive ( everything was just too much. The lighting of the place seemed too bright, the sounds were too loud, every touch or movement physically pained me) and I clearly said that I didn't want to be touched.

By then I was more than uncomfortable, I was a proper mess. I would have BIG anxiety episodes only thinking about changing and being more touchy or more affectionate because I needed to be what he wanted.

He was so understanding about my asexuality, after all.

I was freaking out with everything and one day I simply started to wonder why I was feeling that way. Everyone seemed to do it and handled it just fine. It seemed so easy. Why was it excruciating for me?

And then I started to analyse my whole journey.

For a few times I questioned my romantic attraction because I had such a hard time developing feelings and even an innocent crush seemed awkward. I had no problem acknowledging some people's beauty and always thought that this was my way of having crushes on people. I never once had a romantic relationship, but I had fallen for a guy back in High School. We never dated but I am sure I felt something for him.

He was my best friend and we had such an incredible bond. But before having a crush on him he was my friend. It took me a whole year to realize I had feelings for him. I never entertained the idea of settling in with someone, but I'd certainly do it with him.

And then it hit me.

It only happened because I had a strong emotional bond with him. That's why it was being so hard for me to be in a pseudo relationship. Because I felt nothing whatsoever. He was basically a stranger so feelings weren't exactly on the table. I had only started this because he was a person who seemed nice and that showed interest, and besides thinking he was cute I felt nothing more.

I had searched about the aromantic community before and was quite the advocate. One of my best friends is a strict aroace and I always talked to her about the aro spectrum.

I remembered the definition of demi aromantic and it just clicked.

I felt so damn good. SO DAMN GOOD.

I never thought I could ever feel the way I felt when I first said I was ace, but here it was again. That same incredible feeling of relief.

I wasn't broken, I wasn't wrong, I was just different. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

As soon as I understood this, I decided to break up with the guy. I was just so thrilled to tell him.

I thought "well, he was so understanding about my asexuality. He sure won't mind me being demiaro"

LET ME POINT OUT I WAS DELUSIONAL!

I reckon I was the most polite person (is this correct?) in the whole world. I explained it all. The communities. The way I experienced both romantic and sexual attraction. The way I didn't have romantic feelings for him, but I still wanted to be friends.

He said it was cool. That he was happy for me and that he still had a friend.

I really thought it could work.

Less than 24 hours he texted me a bunch of atrocities. Said I was a bitch. I broke his heart violently. That he was going to k*** himself.

I felt so divided, it was like there were two of me fighting inside.

The first one was desperate for him. Feeling so bad for being who I am. If I were normal, this wouldn't be happening. I would be able to have a normal relationship like everyone else.

The second was skeptical. This might sound very hard, but I'm being truthful. I had no shame and no guilt. I felt nothing whatsoever. I wasn't responsible for the version of myself he created on his mind.

+ I didn't feel like I had been cruel or emotionally irresponsible.

Two days after these, he texted me again with a completely different attitude. One that made me really annoyed and that completely destroyed the first version of me that was still saying it was all my fault.

He said he was ready to continue our relationship. That he wasn't going to feel bad for loving someone WHO COULDN'T LOVE HIM BACK. That it was alright and he just wanted to kiss me and be with me.

I don't even know why I got so mad, but these made my blood boil. I just felt like he was offering himself as some sort of cure. That if we continued what we had, I would eventually develop feelings for him and he was willing to wait for it.

I cut him off completely.

I could never EVER be with someone who makes me feel guilty of being myself.

He has been making my time at work a proper hell lately. Still trying to make me feel guilty, and though it's been hard, I honestly don't care.

Ace, demiaro, an introvert, not prone to touching...

I am not changing to please others. And I sure won't change for him!