#I've hated every step of this stupid adventure holy shit
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Noah's ✨️Adventures of Pre-Ordering The Teeth of God Graphic Novel Tier 4✨️
:/ Yeah, so...
Yeah, so...
Firstly! Fuck Sumerian, and fuck your stupid blurb at the end about "dominating the market with both creativity and commercial success." I hope lizards eat your bones.
If you already have the novel, the Director's folder is just the readable version of the letters that show up in the middle of the comic.
QR code doesn't work still. So yay.
Surface Team Notes has a few pages filled then the rest is empty.
The screenplay edition just gives you a third new font to try and read the story in, including the letters.
The "posters" are okay? I guess?
Coins okay too, might be the only thing going on the "altar" of mine.
Overall, I don't really feel anything?
Like excitement at it being real dissipated into "wow, i spent $200 on this...", like, I'm kind of filled with regret? Think I would've been fine with Tier 1 or, literally, nothing at all?
So, yeah, yeah...if you still want me to do some scans of the director files or scan the team notes I can. It'll just take a bit.
I'm gonna go play Warframe...
#sleep token#I've hated every step of this stupid adventure holy shit#but glad i had you guys along for this fucked up ride#ill keep looking for updates about the qr code tho
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What if T.O.M Reviews Castlevania II: Simon's Quest?
T.O.M: This game sucks.
T.O.M: Castlevania 1 and 3 are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight. At first, it seems like a pretty decent game, a little different from the first in the series but, that's okay. Zelda 2 was different from the first, Mario 2 was different, but they were all good.
T.O.M: The first thing that's strikingly different is the fact that you have to go through towns, talk to people and buy stuff. I never really minded that, it makes it a little more like an adventure story and it's kinda like Zelda, so that's okay. But the first problem comes in when it changes from day to night.
- gameplay of Castlevania II starts -
T.O.M: Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game?
T.O.M: Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded.
T.O.M: And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?
T.O.M: Sometimes I don't feel like goin' down the stairs just to get down to ground level, I mean, there's no reason I should have to do that when I can just take a shortcut and jump down. But, oops! I shouldn't do that, there might be water down there.
T.O.M: Another thing that's really annoying about this game is the fact that you have to buy weapons and items. I mean, still, that's not uncommon, you know like I said: that's the same thing you have to do in many great games, like Zelda, but, lemme explain.
T.O.M: Here you have to collect hearts, which count as money. I mean, that's kinda odd, because usually hearts count as life or energy, y' know, so that's kinda strange. But, y' know that's not the point. The point is that the items you need to buy are too fuckin' expensive, and the hearts don't add up enough. It takes too long to get enough of them to buy something, and it gets boring wandering around killing the same monsters over and over again just so you can buy a Flame Whip or somethin'.
T.O.M: Speaking of Flame Whip, that's pretty weird itself, isn't it? I mean, they were really being creative with that one, the flame whip.
T.O.M: Anyway, about the hearts: It takes too long to buy stuff, and, to add onto the problem, when you die, you lose all your hearts and you have to start all over again. I mean, doing this doesn't add to any of the games' difficulty or challenge, it just makes us have to do more of the same monotonous stuff over again, and it's not fun, it's boring.
T.O.M: Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store.
T.O.M: Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts.
T.O.M: OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.
T.O.M: One of the worst things in the game are the Pitfalls, which are areas where there's, like, stones or blocks that look like you could walk on them, but instead you just fall through. It's impossible to tell where these spots are the first time walkin' through, so you just have to keep throwin' Holy Water all over to see where they are. It's retarded. Why should I have to do that? Again, it doesn't add up to any of the fun, y' know, challenge of the game. It's just unfair and it's annoying.
T.O.M: In the dungeons, there's no bosses at the end, which is a big disappointment. Every Nintendo gamester knows that at the end of a level or a dungeon labyrinth, whatever, there's always supposed to be a big guy who ya fight. But here, they just got lazy and only put a few bosses in the game and left some of the dungeons just empty like this one. So, most of the dungeons you go through (the mansions, to be exact), there's nothing at the end except for a crystal orb that you can't touch.
T.O.M: In the rest of the Castlevania games, the tradition goes like this: You fight a boss, you defeat him, then an orb comes down and you touch it, there you go, on to the next level. But in Castlevania 2, how would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an Oak Stake at that orb? I mean, when you first get the Oak Stake you assume it's a weapon, and you throw it, only to find that it does absolutely nothing, and that you waste it by throwing it, so you have to get it all over again.
T.O.M: There are parts in the game that are definitely not self-explanatory and are too hard to figure out. Take this dead end for example: Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? How? You have to kneel down by it for like ten seconds. Now, still, that's not enough to make it so cryptic and hidden that we can't figure it out, oh please, give us more for our buck and make it harder so we can wander around the whole game and exhaust every possibility before we find out. Okay. Guess what? You need to have a Red Crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the game.
T.O.M: Most of the townspeople have things to say which aren't important at all, so why do you have to read 'em? Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance.
T.O.M: Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How about "vanquished this horrible GAME"?
T.O.M: The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many?
T.O.M: In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid.
T.O.M: Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.
T.O.M: I mean, first of all: there's no enemies in Dracula's castle, you just walk all the way through and the only obstacles are just, like, goin' up and down steps, which won't hurt you and they aren't challenging, either. It's just tedious. I mean, what the hell's the point of going through the castle if there's no way to fight? Did the game designers just, like, run out of time or somethin'?
T.O.M: So then, you get up to Dracula, and guess what? He doesn't look anything like Dracula, he looks like a grim reaper and he throws sickles. I mean, did the people who made this game even know what Dracula is? He's a fuckin' vampire.
T.O.M: Alright, on top of everything, Dracula's way too easy. Check this out. This is a trick I discovered myself and so could you, without the help of any strategy guide. When Dracula first appears, he stands there for a while, and he gives you plenty of time to land lots of free hits. Not only does he stand there for a long time, but everything that hits him will stun him and give you even more time.
T.O.M: Naturally, you'll probably be using the flames, because it's one of the most effective weapons in the game. But, using it against Dracula, it makes it simply impossible for him to even do anything. He has no chance. The second you start throwin' that shit at him, you've already won. I mean, why is it that easy? Did they even test this shitty game out before they released it?
T.O.M: What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit. I mean, I know it's useless complaining about a game that was made back in the late '80s, or early '90s or whatever, but it just blows my mind how fuckin' horrible it is. I mean, it's consistently annoying.
T.O.M: Why? Why is it so bad? If all these problems were changed then we'd have a great trilogy of classic Castlevania games, but, history is history, and we might as well try to count Castlevania 3 as, you know, the second in the series, and leave this awful piece of horse shit alone, as it stands today as one of the biggest fuck-ups of all time.
T.O.M: We rate Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, well. all i say is this: This game sucks. Thanks for listening
Only Toonami, on [adult swim]
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My first official fluff piece! Still kinda angsty, but it's cute - to a point lol
I'm so sorry. I cannot figure out how to add a read-more on this new formatting.
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Coming up with excuses to hang around the engine room was getting harder every day. Delivering messages for people was always an easy bet - the priest couldn't be bothered to crack his old knees on those stairs anyway - but the stupid crew on this stupid ship didn't send messages to the resident tinker very often.
She could always break stuff. Parvati was always down to fix it, and whenever someone brought her some broken trinket, she got the cutest expression on her face - a weird mix between excitement and exasperation. All of her shyness just completely vanished as she scolded them for being so careless with their things, revealing the true bullheaded nature behind her stammering, eager-to-please front.
But how long could she keep "accidentally" breaking her stuff before Parvati confiscated it, just like she did Felix's mechanical tossball action figure? Not much longer, that was for damn sure.
And she couldn't just... show up and linger. What excuse would she use for that? "It's too loud out there"? The engine room was way louder than the rest of the ship combined - even when Ellie and Vicar were screaming about philosophical bullshit in the cafeteria and Felix had his tossball match turned up to drown them out. Besides, she had soundproofed her bunk specifically to give herself a quiet space.
"I'm interested in mechanical engineering?" Ha! What a laugh. Every single person on the Unreliable knew that Nyoka didn't give two shits or a fuck less about fixing her own belongings, as long as she had the bits to pay someone else to do it.
The only option left was honesty, and let's face it: that wasn't her strong suit. She had a reputation as a badass (if constantly drunk) bounty hunter to maintain. Confessing that she enjoyed hanging out with the dorky engineer made her sound like a lovesick puppy - which she wasn't, for the fucking record. She didn't like Parvati like that. She just like getting the girl the ramble about her favorite topics, watching her face crinkle in concentration as she struggled with a complicated mechanical part, the way her face turned out a particularly off-color joke. There was no love there, and she'd sock anyone in the mouth that would even dare to suggest such a thing.
And yet, Nyoka still found herself lingering outside the cafeteria, sneaking furtive peaks at Parvati. Look at her. Nibbling that snack cake like she's a baby sprat. God, she's so freaking adorable... She turned away, her lip curling in a sneer of self-disgust as she took another drag from her flask. Even the rough burn of old whiskey couldn't drown the way her heart pounded against her chest.
God, what had this quiet mechanic from Edgewater done to her?
She didn't even realize that her feet had carried her into the room until she looked down and saw Parvati staring up at her. Her lips were smiling that tight-lipped smile that all polite folks gave when unexpectedly bumping into someone they barely know, but her eyes were confused, maybe even a little frightened. She hated that look. She wanted to grab the girl's shoulders and shake some common sense into her, to scream "Why are you afraid of me?! I'll kill everyone on the ship and myself if it would protect you!"
But she wasn't that dense. That would just scare the poor girl more, and the very thought of Parvati fearing her turned her stomach. Instead, Nyoka twisting her own lips into a smile and forced out, "Hey there, tinker. Didn't mean to scare you."
Parvati quickly shook her head in an obvious act of self-preservation. "Oh, not at all, Miss Nyoka! I was, um, just eating a quick snack. Got to stay fueled for the road!" She giggled awkwardly, and Nyoka wanted to wrap her arms around her and squish her tight - though whether it was to comfort her or to squeeze out the anxiety, even she couldn't say.
"With empty calories like that? You're going to burn through it and crash in an hour." She strolled to the refrigerator, forcing herself to tame her trademark stomp to a casual strut. "What's the thing Junlei says all the time? 'Treat your body like a machine - quality fuel and plenty of rest, or you'll end up rusting like an overworked engine.' I don't know anything about machines, but it sounds right. Here." She tossed a small container of food to the confused girl. "Cystipig stew. Homemade. It's something my - one of my old teammates used to make. The methane added a kick, but Boss says I'm not allowed to flood the kitchen with explosive gas." She scoffed as she dropped into the chair across the table. "Coward."
Parvati let out a soft laugh escape as she tentatively scooped out a spoonful of stew, and Nyoka's heart fluttered in her chest in a way that was surely heartburn and nothing else. "I can't imagine methane making anything taste better... Except maybe mantisaur. Is it true that people eat mantisaur on Monarch?"
"Only if they're really desperate. As in, 'I've already eaten the floorboards and my roommate' desperate."
Parvati's spoon hovered before her mouth as she shot Nyoka a part-horrified, part-rebuking glance. "You shouldn't joke about such horrible things. People suffer through terrible hardships - it's cruel to make fun of them."
The urge to retort was powerful. She wanted to snap back that, as someone who spent years as one of those people, she could say whatever she damn well pleased about the subject - that according to Holy Man DeSoto, making jokes about the subject was 'an ingrained coping mechanism that helped her deal with her trauma' or whatever. But - and she could not for the life of her understand why - she kept her mouth shut.
Parvati stiffened to brace herself for the inevitable backlash, but when none came, she relaxed just enough to taste the offered stew. Her eyebrows shot into her messy brow. "This is really good! You said that your former teammate made this?"
"She - created the recipe, yeah." Nyoka couldn't meet her gaze, not what the lump growing in her throat. "That's not important though. You really like it? Even without the methane?"
"It's delicious. It tastes like - oh, what was it dad used to say?" She scrunched her face as she wracked her brain, and the lump in Nyoka's throat dissolved like sugar. "Tastes like Grandma used to make. It's homey and warm, like curling up in a freshly made bed after a hard day of work." She took another bite and closed her eyes, chewing slowly as if to relish every bite. "Mm... I can see why you treasured that teammate. If her personality was anything like her food, she was a really amazing person. "
Nyoka shook her head as she gazed at Parvati, her lips twitching into a rare genuine smile. "God... You're so nice. I... I want to kiss you."
Parvati's eyes drifted open to focus on Nyoka's face. "What did you say?"
Nyoka stared back, frozen in place as her stomach clenched tightly. Oh God - what to do? She couldn't admit what she just said! But what to say?
Parvati sat up straight now, her head tilting ever-so-slightly. Her bottom lip jutted out to give her an adorably confused pout. "Nyoka?"
And now she was taking too long to respond - fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck - In a panic, Nyoka blurted out, "If you died, I wouldn't miss you!"
They both froze, staring at each other - Nyoka in horror, Parvati in confusion. As the gravity of her panic response settled upon them, Nyoka clenched her fists under the table. Her face burned with shame while Parvati's face paled beneath her dusky complexion. Tears began to collect in her amber eyes, and she turned her head down and away. "I - I see. I'm sorry for whatever I said that made you feel that way, Miss Nyoka." She pushed the chair back and stood up, her hands trembling at her side. "I'll just go."
"Parvati, no -" Nyoka reached out instinctively then snatched her hand back. "I didn't - that's not what I - God damn it!" Slamming her fists against the table, she threw her chair to the floor in her haste to get up and storm from the cafeteria. You're not running away, she assured herself as she locked the door to her sleeping pod, longing now more than ever for the ability to slam the door with a satisfying bang. You're taking a step back to collect yourself and figure out what you're going to say to fix this. She punched the door and spun to slide the ground, leaning against it and feeling, for the first time in her life, like a serial character. "Fucking hell, Nyoka..." she muttered as she pinched her brow between her fingers. "You're really in the shit this time. You and your fucking mouth... "
It took an hour and several gulps from her flask to calm her nerves and figure out exactly what she was going to say, but finally Nyoka was ready to tackle the hardest battle she'd ever had to face. Taking a deep breath (and another swig for courage), she opened her door and walked to the kitchen. It took every ounce of self-control she had to keep her body still. Treat this like capturing a raptidon, she encouraged with every step. Don't show fear. Never show fear. You're the baddest bitch on Monarch. They make fucking serials about your adventures. You can handle apologizing to a dorky girl from a hick town.
Despite her totally awesome pep talk, she still had to pause outside the cafeteria and rest her forehead on the cool door frame. You can do this. Deep breath. You know exactly what you're going to say. Just go in, stay on script, and get out. No ad-libbing. You want this to be another Angeline Graves situation? 'course not. All right. Countdown. 3. 2.... 1.
Inhaling deeply, Nyoka pushed open the door and stepped inside. "Parvati, I -"
She stopped short as a sob interrupted her and allowed her blurry eyes to take in the room. Parvati slumped over the table, sobbing into the crook of her arm. "I don't understand what I did! Why -hic- did she have to be so cruel? I thought we were bonding!"
"Hey, it's not your fault," Ellie soothed, rubbing comforting circles between Parvati's shoulders. "Nyoka is a terrible person. She's probably drunk again - she's a total ass when she's drunk. Just ignore her, okay Par?" She looked up and scowled when she saw Nyoka. "What do you want?"
Nyoka couldn't respond; her tongue felt like a dead fish between her teeth. She could only stare, stunned, at Parvati's shuttering form. The realization that she had done this - her cruel words, spat in a moment of sheer panic, had reduced her shy, cheerful crush to a complete emotional wreck - drove like a dagger into her heart.
Ellie was right. What kind of absolute scumbag would do something so awful to such an absolute angel?
"Hey, dipsomaniac. Do you fucking mind?" When she still didn't answer, Ellie raised her other hand to snap her fingers impatiently. "Christ, are you that drunk? The fuck do you want?"
Nyoka finally snapped out of it. "Nothin'," she muttered, lowering her gaze to the floor. "Don't want nothin'." She grabbed two bottles of purpleberry wine and shuffled back to her room, ignoring the muttered scoffs behind her. As soon as the door was securely locked, she sank into her soft cot and popped the first cork. "Here's to being the baddest bitch on Monarch," she whispered, the first salty tear trickling between her lips, "and the fucking worst person on the Unreliable.
Cheers."
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