#I've had a rush song on repeat for 2 weeks and only just now realised it was in fact a song by rush)

[justhereforfanfiction]

Lost - Logan x MC

Angst, approximately 2, 500 words.

Hi. This is my first ever fanfiction, so any feedback is welcome! Although I haven't posted any fanfictions on there other than this one, I will likely branch out from Choices on Wattpad and if you are interested in that, maybe you could look at my account? It's @ GalaxyGirl20671! Again, feedback including constructive criticism is welcome, and I hope you like it! I think it helps 'set the mood' if you do listen to the song, but in no way do you have to! I hope you enjoy. 😊

I know I didn't use every lyric but that's because I didn't want to use repeated lines in case it became repetitive.

Song - Lost by Freya Ridings

*I know I use 'Ellie' in this instance but it just represents the MC - to me, it feels a bit detached to use 'Y/N' - but feel free to self-insert if you wish! :)*

 'Standing on the platform, watching you go...'

Ellie stood at the turn - in at the end of her block, watching as a sleek, black-striped yellow sports car slid out of its slot into the street. Almost as easy as it had come into her life, she supposed, on that less-than-fateful day. But she knew that that was not the case, just as she knew the boy whose spark plug necklace was slipped under her t-shirt, guarding her rapidly beating heart.

'It's like no other pain I've ever known'

That same heart ached at even the concept of him leaving her side, yet somehow there the reality was painted, harsh and monochrome against the bold, colourful canvas of what had been her hopes and dreams for the two of them. Although with him, those dreams could have been driving around the city or sat in some reincarnation of his loft eating takeout from Kelso's, and it would still make her feel as though she was graduating from a hundred- no, a thousand - Langstons. Her sense of loss was so strong it manifested itself as physical pain - a common symptom of undergoing stress, she seemed to remember from one of their late-night 'study sessions', the knot in her stomach tightening at the fond, soon-to-be-bittersweet memory.

'To love someone so much, to have no control...'

Ellie could still feel her whole body pulse gently, perhaps not entirely from her emotions (although those threatened to overwhelm her), but from the intensity and fierceness of their last embrace before he left. That had been out of her hands, he had wanted to keep her safe - but her father pulling a gun on him only pushed the situation further out of her grasp. It seemed she had come full circle - from her cop father controlling her life to her breaking free, her forgiving him again, and back to him commanding the one thing she loved beside him; the boy with the car. Couldn't she have one untarnished goodbye out of the many to remember him by, without someone accusing them of something? Ellie's dad had only been trying to protect her, and she knew that - but her first everything had been putting HER first as well, being noble for Gods' sake! Even if it didn't feel like it to her...

'You said "I wanna see the world", and I said "Go"'

The look on his face had told Ellie one thing, yet his mouth spoke another. He had known she had plans for the future, and to him, he was getting in the way of those. With his words, he gently retracted himself from her life. He had been 'just some kid you caused trouble with in high school' to her father undoubtedly, but in Ellie's heart, she knew he was so much more. However, while he was saying that, his arms drew her in and she had melted into his touch. The sound of his car engine seemed to call out decidedly that his words had signified his true intentions.

'I think I'm lost, without you'

Without him, Ellie didn't know who she should be anymore. He was the one who brought her into this life, who brought out this side of her. Every time she had been brave, or confident, or even remotely bold, it had been because of him, directly or otherwise? Whoever thought she'd dance at a secret warehouse rave? Or pass her driving test? Or even talk to Ingrid as an equal in any way other than academics? Going back to her old self felt as difficult as trying to separate water from the sand without filter paper. "Be the real you. the one that was always waiting to come out" he had said. She wanted to so badly, but how could she do that when so much of that person was based on him? It was just like Colt had said - every time she gets behind the wheel she will remember them and the year she had spent.

'I just feel crushed without you'

Ellie's emotions weighed down on her like the heavens on Atlas the Titans' shoulders. Whenever they had been driving or executing one of Kanaeko's master plans with the rest of the MPC, she had enjoyed - no, loved - his company, yet now she realised that once the others were gone he had been the one she needed the most of all of them. And now he was about to be gone, leaving her with a stolen car that Toby wasn't here to patch up, and the memories of fleeting touches long since past.

'I've been strong for so long, I never thought

how much I needed you'

Even when he had left after teaching her to fight, Ellie had not felt it with the same note of finality that this moment held. She had always thought there was a possibility - however small - of seeing him one last time. And now, even though she wished it desperately, Ellie knew he wasn't coming back. This time, too much was on the line.

'Strangers rushing past, just trying to get home.'

In the not-so-far distance, Ellie could hear the steady stream of LA traffic that the boy she loved would soon enter. She wondered - would they know a wanted street racer was cruising down the freeway amongst them? That that drive was breaking two hearts and would damage at least one more before the night was out? Nobody knew where he was going, however, not even Ellie. Her best guess was back to Detroit, but Ellie guessed that not even he knew where he would wind up tomorrow morning. Even that one suggestion could have been some sort of plot to make sure she didn't worry about him (although she would nonetheless) or found where he was. He knew her better than anyone, after all. She would only have agreed to Mona's terms if he had reiterated them.

'But you were the only safe haven that I've known'

Those words were true enough. Despite her father claiming to support her in everything she did, the one thing Ellie never knew she wanted had been right under her nose, kept away from her by the one who 'only wanted her to be happy'. Sure, Ellie understood that Grand Theft Auto wasn't exactly a conventional - or indeed safe- pastime, but not teaching her to drive only meant that once Ellie wanted to learn, she was dangerously inexperienced anyway! And look where that got her. With her driving license, of course (since Ellie, as her dad loved to brag, "succeeded in everything she put her mind to"), but with her friends a now orphaned teen with what seemed to be a world (or at least city) domination problem, a hardened criminal currently in hospital, soon to be jail with a bullet through her side because of her, and two mechanic - slash racers on the run, and a boyfriend (well, would-be, since they never defined the relationship, but an ex now involuntarily)being forced by her dad to leave the country at gunpoint.

The boyfriend who had taught her how to drive. Who had cared about her over the safety of his crew, or even being put in jail. Who had guided her through her first... everything, really. First kiss, first car, first heist - whenever Ellie needed him, he was there. And most importantly, she could say next to anything around him and he would listen and give advice without judgement. Even though she had missed the comfort of her bed whilst residing in his loft, that boy was - and Ellie had a feeling always would be - where her heart lived.

'Hits me at full speed, 

Feels like I can't breathe 

And nobody knows'

As soon as the key had turned in the ignition, the Devore roaring to life, Ellie's breath had been knocked out of her as fast as if her car could have accelerated from 0 to 100 in a nanosecond. All she wanted to do was scream and howl at the sky, to God, to anyone who would listen to try and get them to rewrite fate so that they could be together. She wanted to cry to Riya, but she knew that her best friend no matter how much they had in common would just take her to get ice cream and tell her 'these things heal in time'. She wanted to collapse at her mothers' feet as she frequently did in her dreams, but the tightness of the heirloom bracelet at her wrist reminded Ellie that that was impossible.

Most of all, however, she wanted her fathers' understanding; that she loved and had lost just as he had all those years ago. She remembered when her dad had met him for the first time properly, the anger he had wielded towards the boy who had put her in so much danger - who had saved her from it just as many times. The disbelief on his face as she explained that she loved this 'bad boy', this 'adrenaline junkie'  as she was sure her father addressed him in his mind. How the initial shock had moulded into fury at whatever 'trick' he was sure this criminal must have worked on his daughter. No, Ellie was sure he wouldn't understand for at least the next week or so.

'This pain inside me

My world is crumbling

I should have never

Let you go'

The first tear of what was to be many rolled down Ellie's already mascara-striped face as she fell to her knees. Her dad looked at her in surprise as she screamed in the middle of the street, and could see an identical tear roll down the face of the boy inciting it as he drove past the old man, wincing in guilt as the sound of his ride or die's anguish reached his ears. Had it maybe been the wrong thing to do? Had he maybe... underestimated the intensity of the teenagers' emotions? Undoubtedly, but he had to protect his daughter from going down the wrong path.

Ellie's jaw tightened as her father dared to look vaguely upset at the situation. He was the one worsening it after all. It was almost shameful of him to have judged her (literal) partner in crime so quickly. After all, when had he ever hurt her with bad intentions at heart? Ellie realised that her anger was not directed towards her father, but rather towards herself for allowing this to happen. She couldn't have stopped him leaving, but she could have made sure they were farther out of her dads' line of sight so they would have a chance of a 'proper' goodbye, whatever that was;  the one year had spent with him and the crew had felt far more meaningful than any of the 18 she had gone through alone, to the point where the mere thought of goodbye was heartbreaking.  And she had simply let him be treated in that way by her kin?

'I've been strong for so long, I never thought

How much I love you'

Earlier in the evening, once she had dispelled all of her nervous energy, her mind had been solely focused on bringing Shaw and The Brotherhood down. But once that had come to pass, her emotions had hit her like a ton of bricks. The Mercy Park Crew had no reason to stick around now Teppei was dead; it was time to find a new gang. For Colt and Mona, leaving had not been a choice. The latter's injury and the formers' determination to build his name in LA's criminal underworld saw to that. Saying goodbye to each of them had been no easy task, and she had half expected him to have skipped town already, to save them both the heartbreak of saying goodbye. But that had not been the case, as he had stepped out of the darkness to say one final farewell. 

Tears had soaked Ellie's skin at the words he spoke, as they did now as he drove away. Her guard had been up during the heist, channelling her anger and determination to have Jason put behind bars, along with Detectives Wallace and Hester. But when she was around the crew, those she considered close enough to be family, Ellie had broken down. She had been fierce and brave then; that had been to cover up her paralysing fear of losing them again. Of losing herself again. His goodbye had hurt the most, like a slap to the face, short and painful but with lasting effects.

Throughout the brief conversation, their relationship had played through her mind; not just from her perspective, but what it must have been like for him.  How on that day, what seemed to be casual flirting and general friendliness must have been tiptoeing through a minefield for him. A single wrong move and the whole crew could be placed at risk. The initial shock and rush when driving from the cops leading to the beginning of their relationship. How in each moment Ellie fell deeper in love with him, he was doing the same, only that feeling of freefalling was paired with the guilt of tricking her, and the fear of letting her in at the risk of his emotions and her safety - concerns which were not calmed by certain complications they had run into along the way. This myriad of memories only emphasised the emptiness Ellie felt in her heart now.

'Standing on the platform, watching you go.

You said, "I wanna see the world" and I said "Go"'

As Ellie felt the tarmac of the sidewalk dig into her knees and tears roll down her face, she watched as the car she knew so well turned into the next street. When the car swung around, she caught a glimpse of its driver, his eyes trained on hers, smiling weakly through tear-filled eyes. Regret was written undeniably in his gaze, but he was trying to put on a brave face for her to remember him by. Trademark. A thought that once would have put a grin on Ellie's face now caused her to sob in sorrow, grieving the little moments that comfortably passed between them that she was sure could not be replicated with anyone else. She shot him back a brief smile, equally bittersweet in the less than perfect moment, and the last words he said to her echoed in her mind.

"Give 'em hell, troublemaker"

His car finally moved out of sight, and Ellie suddenly felt the repressed need to call out for him spring out in full force; now that her father had walked inside she felt less pressured to avoid the elephant in the room, at least out loud.

"Logan..." she choked out to no one in particular, as she rubbed her road marked knees the way he would have done and slowly got up.

Later, after she had deleted their messages from her phone and laid in her bed in silence, she took off the necklace from around her neck and placed it on the adjourned pillow. "Logan." Ellie whispered to herself as if in the affirmation that he had been real.

She had been lucky to know him. Too bad there wasn't a next time to be ready for.