#I've felt bad about my sporadic schedule recently | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pbandjesse · 2 years ago

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I've been avoiding doing my post for a while now. I just want to go to sleep so that today can be over. Today was very stressful. I'm just glad I got to see James.

Neither of us slept well last night. I never even pulled our blankets down off the bed and I slept the same way that I would normally sleep when I take a nap in the daytime. With a throw blanket at the end of the bed. It was really hot in here and I I had to go into the office to turn the heat down at one point because I was concerned about things catching on fire. I changed my pajamas a few times because I couldn't find a good temperature. Me and James would text sporadically because they were up and down all night apparently. Around midnight they move them from the ER to a room upstairs. And that's where they would stay until they would get ready to be prepped to go into the OR.

Wake up at 7:00 and got dressed and ready to go. I had nothing else I could focus on so I was going to focus on looking cute and being good at my job. And I think I did okay at both.

I got breakfast and drove out to camp. It was a beautiful day. And I would start walking around camp getting things ready. Elizabeth said she was going to go get coffee and that she would be back to help direct traffic. But by the time I had walked to the other side of camp to drop off some stuff at the lodge I found that all of the parents were already over there.

So I introduced myself and started walking them around giving them the lowdown on what they were going to be doing and where and when they should come back to the building for the intro. And everyone was just really great. I made some stupid mistakes. But everyone was super gracious about it. I read our schedule wrong because I was so distracted that I read it up and down like the schedule at the museum is instead of left to right. And so I gave some bad information but they ended up figuring it out and it was fine. I just felt very dumb. And I would walk around making sure the people had the supplies they needed and solving issues when things got broken. But I was very distracted.

When the kids got there they were very sweet. A handful of them are campers that stay there during the summer so it was nice that they could already kind of know the lay of the land. And the rules. And my intro went pretty well. I still think I could put a little bit more history in there and I think I just need to do more reading. I had a good time talking to them though and Elizabeth stayed for part of my intro and she said I did great. So that felt really good.

James texted me at 9:30 before the kids got there that they were getting prep to go into the OR. Surgery wasn't going to be till 11:00 and I thought it was going to be about 2 hours. Man did it feel longer than that.

After the first couple programs we had lunch. I warmed up the leftovers I brought from last night and went and read my book. I both started and finished my last Dear America book. I'm going to have to get some more I guess. This one was okay. I didn't love the story as much. It had some good moments and some good stuff that I'm going to be able to pull into the museum. About the famine and work conditions and garment factories. But it was not as engaging as some of the ones I've read recently. And then she died like 2 years after the story took place and that made me really sad.

I was just trying to be distracted because I wasn't hearing anything from James and everyone is contacting me to find out what's going on. And I just wanted to hear from them. Mom said that I should call the hospital and see if they could tell me what was happening. And so once I said goodbye to all the children I called and the woman on the phone was so nice.

I told her basically I didn't know what I was doing and that my husband was in surgery and I wasn't sure if I could come see them or anything. That I needed some kind of update. I have gotten so much practice saying my husband in the last couple days. It's going to lose its novelty. But she was really nice and she joked about HIPAA. Because I could be anyone. And because I knew James's birthday very quickly she told me that they were in the OR currently and that if I was there within the next half an hour I could get on the list to see them. I didn't quite understand what that meant but I was a half an hour away and I could do that. So I quickly called Elizabeth and booked it to the car as fast as I could.

I drove very fast. I was like 10 miles over the speed limit which is not horrible but faster than I would normally go. And the speed limits already around 65 on 83.

But I got to the hospital. I parked in the correct parking lot this time. And I ran across the parking lot to get to the front desk. The woman at the security desk was great and she told me exactly where to go. Gave me great directions. And I headed up to the fourth floor.

This is where things got a little stressful. The woman at this desk seemed annoyed. She just wasn't very personable. She probably has to deal with people being very scared and sad all day and it is probably very emotionally exhausting. But I was also just really confused and not sure even where I was. I thought James was going to be in their room already but they were still coming out of surgery. I didn't know that.

I was very surprised when she didn't take my ID or check me in. She asked for my name eventually. And then she gave me a number and the number corresponded to James. And then in the waiting room there was a big TV screen where it would flash the numbers and tell you where they were. Kind of like the airport. So you could see if the person you were there to see was currently in the operating room or in recovery or what. When I got there James was in recovery.

But I couldn't just go back and see them. I had to wait until they called my number. Well James's number. And then I would get a 10 minute visit. She kept saying that. 10 minutes. And then I would have to wait again. And I was sad. And confused. But I was just happy that I was going to be able to see James at all. And if I had to do it in 10 minute increments that was okay with me.

I actually didn't have to wait that long. I had left my backpack and everything in the car except for my phone and keys. So I didn't have anything else with me and I was sort of worried my phone was going to die but it was okay. Everything would be fine. Because very quickly I would get called back.

I did not expect James to be as fragile looking as they were. I walked back and they pointed me to curtain 14. And James had just come out of surgery. Maybe 5 minutes before. And they were in so much pain. I had never seen them like this before. They tried to claim that yesterday they were in more pain but I don't think that it was as extended as this. They looked so pale. And small. And it was scary. But I was so glad to see them.

I told them I only had 10 minutes but then not a few moments after that did a nurse walk over and say that I came with perfect time because they were moving James up to their room and I did not have to leave. And so I got out of the way so they could walk around and disconnect them from everything and we slowly made our way upstairs. There were more bumps than I was expecting. And James got Josh a little. But I was glad I could be in the room with them and get them settled.

A nurse would come and help James get some clothes on and help them stand up so they could use the bathroom. And she said that they were doing such a good job. That she was surprised that James was already standing. But James is so strong and I was very proud of them.

But they were hurting so much. I didn't really understand what had happened with their bone. They're left clavicle had snapped and when that clean break happened it tore their ligaments and that allowed the bone to go upwards at a 60° angle. That's why everyone was saying how did you do this. I still don't understand how it happened. But not only did they have to put a almost 10-in bar to pull their clavicle back down, James also had to get donor ligaments. They have 33 staples. It is impressively long. They also shaved James's chest on one side. And James does not want to see the wound or the X-ray. But I'm glad that I saw it so that I can understand more of what's going on in there.

I just want to be able to support them. I got there at 2:30. We were up in their room by 3:00. And I stayed with them until the sun went down around 5:00. I sat and held their hand and we texted everyone. They came and took vitals and I got them a new ice pack and made sure that James wasn't under playing how much pain they were in. James is very good at pushing pain to the side but sitting quietly with James and watching them grimace I was like you need to stop telling them that you're at a four. This is an eight. We compromised at a 7.5 but I cannot have them pretending that they are not in pain. I need them to be honest with a doctors and I don't think that they are understanding what the pain scale represents. Like yes this might not be a 10 because you can stand up but James my love you cannot move without gasping. It's unacceptable and I need you to be taken care of yourself. I just kept telling them that.

And I was still worried that they hadn't eaten. I kept refilling their water for them but they didn't bring them dinner and then the nurse shifts switched after I left and James didn't get food for a very long time. But they did feed them eventually. I'm not thrilled that it took until almost 8:00 p.m. but I am glad that they got dinner.

When I left I gave them a kiss and promise to come back for them when they were ready. I stopped at the nurse's station and asked for a new ice pack for them. And then I almost got ran over when a nurse ran past me because one of her patients was trying to get out of bed and he just had both of his legs amputated and I don't think that he remembered that. But I had to go get something to eat too. And come home.

I really wanted a salad but there are no salad works around here and so James suggested I went to the Panera. And that ended up being a disaster. It was $20 and it was terrible. The soup tasted like ketchup, the salad was so boring, and the grilled cheese was soft like they had microwaved it. And like if it was a $10 meal it would have been fine. I wouldn't have been thrilled and it wouldn't have been great but for $20 I was very upset. And because I was so upset I ended up just getting containers and taking most of it home.

But I was in the shopping center that has the PetSmart. And I decided that I was going to get something for our empty tank. And so I went in and they had aquatic frogs. Like pancake was. And so I bought all three of the ones that they had. I was only going to buy two but then I felt weird about leaving one behind. And the one was very fat. And I was excited about it. Me and James have named them waffle, omelette, and sunny side. Sunny side is the fat one.

And everyone around me in the store was so excited about these little aquatic rocks. Apparently they just got them in and the girl at the register had never seen them before and people in line were very excited about them too so I got to talk about them for a little while and that was fun. I hope they thrive in my tank. Because right now I think they're a little shell-shocked from being moved and are just kind of hiding in the moss at the bottom of the tank.

Coming home with a little tough only because there was a bunch of traffic and it was dark. But I got home and brought everything upstairs. And everything is okay. Me and James have been texting pretty constantly. And that has made me feel more secure at least.

I have had to put my foot down and decide that we are not going to travel for Thanksgiving. I really was looking forward to seeing my family but it's not safe with James just getting out of surgery. I do not want them in the car for 3 hours. I don't mind the drive. Tucker and Ann were both concerned about me driving that long but I make that drive by myself all the time that is not a problem. I'm more concerned that James is in pain and we don't know what tomorrow is going to look like. I don't know what healing's going to be like. So we need to stay home. Will do Thanksgiving with their godparents and that will be a nice new experience for me. And if James is feeling all right enough to be home by themselves next week I'll drive up on Friday like I was planning. Everything will be okay.

I got the frogs set up in the tank and checked in with a couple more people. I took a shower and I washed my hair and felt a little bit more like a person. I tried to play pokémon for a little while. But I finished so many of the tasks that it's not as fun as it was before. And then I was going to play the pokémon photo game but that wasn't doing it for me either. Maybe me and James will get the new pokémon game that just came out even with the flaws. Who knows. I'm not that concerned about it. I just kind of wanted something to distract myself but I didn't really want to sit in my studio.

Now though I've just been laying in bed and watching tik toks and texting James. But they just went to sleep. I think I'm going to poke around the apartment for a little bit longer. And try to get some rest.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the museum around lunch time to work on some Christmas card stuff. I'm not 100% sure how it's going to work but I appreciate the distraction. And then when James is ready for me to come get them that is what I will do. We think that they're going to be allowed to leave around 4:00 but I don't exactly know. It's 24 hours from the antibiotics starting. Three rounds of antibiotic bags. I was there when they got there first one and I think if it's 24 hours from that one it would be about 4:00 p.m. but I don't know what they'll decide. And it seems like people get discharged at all different times. I will be ready whenever that is for my James.

Thank you for thinking of James and us and me and let's just keep hoping that James will be okay. I love them very much and I just want them to be safe and happy. So this is very hard.

Good night everyone. Please watch for bikers while you're driving. Everything happens so fast.

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