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#I've considered that I want to look sick and like. make my mental problems visible
no-one-hears-me
·
1 year
Text
wow I really am terrified of gaining weight
#ed tw
#idk what my motivation for all of this is
#I've considered that I want to look sick and like. make my mental problems visible
#but I'm actually very embarrassed about this and hide it. I get uncomfortable if people ever mention my eating habits
#it's not really for looks bc I understand that being such an unhealthy size isn't attractive? at least when it involves unhealthy methods
#makes me look like a sickly little corpse
#also I lose a lot of muscle mass bc of this which is sad bc I like lifting weights. but I ruin all my work and progress
#ik a common ed theme is control but I've never really related to that tbh
#I also think it could just be a weird form of perfectionism since I'm just worried about numbers but idk
#bc I still think I look too fat and that's not just numbers
#but ig it still could be me striving for perfection overall and that includes both numbers and appearance?? but idk
#what I know is that I feel accomplished for not eating. losing weight makes me really happy
#gaining weight makes me upset even though ik it's just water retention and whatever. not actual weight gain
#I just don't wanna see the scale number go up
#I've been doing this for years and I still don't understand why. none of my psychoanalysis attempts have given a solid answer
#maybe I'll understand eventually
#except starving destroys your brain function. no wonder I can't figure out my reasons for this 😭😭😭
#so like. I've never actually recovered but I am way funnier and cooler in my moments of partial recovery
#that makes me sad too bc I don't wanna eat but I can't deny its benefits
#Sera
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