#I've been sick three or four times since December

[sailoreuterpe]

I'm so tired of being sick. No one but me wears a mask at work, I literally have customers come in and fucking joke about being sick, this fucking country doesn't have any safety net for people who get sick (no paid time off, no universal healthcare). I hate it here.

[burning-academia-if]

Hello and welcome to me yapping about BA. I know this is late, but better late than never! (I have been sick since the end of November, so I also didn't get anything done during December fasdfja). This is pretty long, and I mostly wrote it for myself, since I like giving myself something to look back on in the future + reflect on my work. Feel free to skip this, especially because it is over 2k words LMAO

Brief content warning, there will be a very brief mentioning of health at the end. It won't go in to any detail since it is personal, but it is present! There will be a warning right before I talk about it, but I just wanted to give a head's up! Now onwards, to my 2024 look back: Burning Academia edition.

But first 14 years ago

It's the summer of 2011 (or 2010), and you've just discovered the Persona series for the first time. One day, at the mall, you see a copy of Persona 3 Portable on the shelf in the store, and you beg your very Christian mother to buy it for you, watching as she gives a very hard stare at the blatant "M" rating on the case. By some miracle, you manage to convince her to buy it for you, and then proceed to binge and finish the game in 5 days. Your mom promptly takes away your PSP, which is fair enough in hindsight. You'd played at least ten hours of it each day.

It's the summer of 2011 (or 2010, my memory is Bad), and you also discovered flash dating sims on DeviantArt, which also led to your discovery of otome games in general. Both this and P3P merge together into a story idea. One that you note down in a document full of other story ideas. The notes look like this:

Back then, thirteen year old me imagined an otome game mixed with the classic turn based RPG combat system, but made at a much smaller scale. There were 7 boys, and whoever you romanced changed what the final boss looked like.

It was also centered in a high school, and MC was a lot more of a blank slate sort of character, with no real background. They just happened to find a Weird Book at their private high school and got dragged into nonsense. There were still Wraiths (originally called Night Specters) who you fought during the three month span of the game. Said Night Specters were also controlled by the Resident Voice, who was not a love interest in the original.

Baby Em daydreamed about this idea a lot, for most of summer and throughout eight grade honestly. But it fell to the wayside for things I could actually do (basically, just my writing) and that was pretty much the end of that.

Until it wasn't

Flash forward to 2023, where I was having a rough time and unemployed and to give myself joy I went back through a lot of old files on my Google Drive. I'm not really someone that's ever been ashamed of my creative work, and questionable stories and art I drew are things I'm more fond of than anything. When I stumbled upon this, my brain latched on to it, so I took it, and ripped out it's guts to create the current version of Burning Academia.

Rook and Beck are the only "original" ROs from all that time ago. But even then, they've been changed A Lot, to the point where the two of them are completely different from what they used to be. Rhea was always a character (originally named Wish), who acted as the Best Friend/Guide for MC. She also completely changed to the point of being unrecognizable to the original. And Zoe was a random NPC who worked at the library. I took them, reworked them, and decided on these four as the love interests. Four was a perfectly manageable number, and BA had also changed a lot storywise that romance wasn't even the point anymore.

Of course, there clearly isn't four ROs LMAO

So, the Voice. They were also in the OG as the Villain controlling the Specters and manipulating your heart as a means to get whatever they were after. I'll be honest, I don't remember what they were originally after. But I've always liked villains whose connection to the hero is one where they dig their claws deep into them. It's how I got the idea of making them essentially 'haunt' MC. Then, the more I developed that, the more it just made sense for them to be an LI to me. The reason they're the only gender selectable one is because they're the one most reflective of MC (and the one who would change the least regardless of gender). And then that was it! We had five, I was done.

Which leads to Lars, I guess.

He ended up becoming a RO at the last minute, as in, a week before the launch of the blog last minute. He was kind of just this antagonist asshole whose primary job was to make sure you didn't do anything too stupid and who hated your guts. I'm going to be honest, I'm not that big of a fan of the asshole archetype, especially as a romance option. But then I got to chapter 5 in the outline of the story and it objectively just made sense. I can't say why because of spoilers, but I think I've mentioned all the ROs and MC are interconnected with each other and are meant to reflect certain aspects of each other in some way. With Lars, it would have felt off to me not to add him in, considering the type of character he'd grown into. So, with a sense of reluctance, I threw him in.

I think Lars is the funniest RO to me, because there was a point in time where he was the most popular on the blog, and I was like 'woah, him.' asldfakjldfjka. Over the past year, he's definitely grown on me in ways I haven't expected, and I think I almost find his awfulness endearing somehow. (To be honest, I think writing the scene of punching him in the face did wonders for my own perception of him).

As for the story changes, this clearly isn't set in a private boarding school ft teens. The original idea was just Persona 3 Portable all over again, because 13 year old me had a problem (I would proceed to replay the game over a dozen times over the years, so I still have a problem). And while I love the themes in P3P, I also feel like some of the things I wanted to write about just made a lot more sense with people within the college age range. I also decided to tie it in to a long standing world of mine, so that way I already had a solid basis of world building and lore. Placing it in what I dub the 'World of Fairytales' really anchored the story in my brain. I looked at all the other stories I'd written or developed that took place here, and I realized I'd yet to write one about death. And that's the focal point of BA:

It's a fairytale about death.

The Reception

I'm going to be honest, when I released BA I just expected it to get the same reception as anything else I'd written up to this point. I think when the demo dropped back in October 2023, I'd released two games, a game demo, and I think my novella and short story collection were out at the time. I'm terrible at marketing myself because I'd much rather vibe and make things than have to talk about it online, which is definitely part of the reason most of my work didn't even hit five hundred plays, save for one which had hit a thousand at that point. But you know, that does make it easy to keep making things when you don't feel like you have a bunch of eyes watching. (At least, for me. I know a lot of creatives feel the weight of loneliness of creation, especially when you pour so much into something only for no one to pick it up. I personally tend to release things on a whim though lol there's plenty of finished works I have laying around that I have no intention on sharing.)

Anyway, I thought Burning Academia was going to be much the same. So imagine my surprise when I post the intro post and I got eight hundred followers in a week.

My immediate thought was "I'm deleting the blog." After a year of making things no one paid attention to, eight hundred followers in a week for something was an overwhelming jump. At the time I'm writing this, we have apparently just crossed two thousand followers(???), which again, I was not expecting lol

I've been reading IFs for years now, dating back to about 2015. I was aware of the general community and vibes, although I wasn't fully in the community and just followed authors I liked. Still, I didn't realize how quick word gets around for a new IF. Especially when all I had was an intro post. Granted, I'd at least already had most of the prologue written and just needed to figure out Twine to code it in, so there was a sense of relief there that I wouldn't keep people waiting. But I did genuinely want to close up shop as quickly as I started.

Part of me is still a bit surprised I'm at where I'm at. I don't really care about numbers, be it mine or others, but I think at this point I'm closer to a mid sized author(?), which I can't comprehend. BA is more of a vibes story, with heavy themes that aren't for everyone. I also know there are certain aspects of BA that just aren't appealing to the overall IF community (it not really focusing much on romance, or the RO options being what they are, or just how bleak the first few chapters are).

I don't necessarily think it's like a niche idea, since it's just a fantasy dark academia, but I just assumed some of the details would make BA not noticed.

Anyway, clearly I'm normal about it now and my blog still exists. I do think if I knew where I'd land at, I might have waited longer to post everything, so I had a bit of backlog and more for people to play in the long run and it would have felt like a shorter wait on the player side. But also, in my defense, I did not expect 2024 to go the way it did.

What I wanted to achieve vs what I actually achieved

So, I wanted to have chapter 3 done before the end of 2024, and maybe even have chapter 4 started. It was a perfectly reasonable goal for me, in any other year where my body was better at being a body. I won't go into detail with health since I know it's a heavy topic for some, but I will briefly mention it since it was a major component to my creative output. Just skip the next paragraph if you don't feel like reading.

//

I got sick pretty much every month in 2024, with multiple of them being pretty bad infections. The second half of the year was a lot worse than the first half of the year, and that's why if it seems like everything slowed down after June/July, it's because of that. From November to now, I've been sick to varying degrees. It's why I did nothing in December because I spent it split between working still, the holidays, renewing various certifications for work, and trying to get some degree of rest between it all. My sister in law is a nurse, and she said I probably have an auto immune deficiency. Whether it's that or not, I'm going to get some tests done, and hopefully 2025 is a better year for me health wise!

//

Of course, I'm not upset with myself. Perhaps a little annoyed because I could have hit the goal I wanted if I hadn't been feeling awful for so much of the year, but I'm not annoyed with myself. Just the circumstances. I'll always be the type of person to take care of myself instead of forcing myself to do anything. Especially with something like this, which would just last to potential burn out.

So, I released 2 chapters of BA, a handful of the RO backstories, and a little short about MC's sister Marlowe. Including the unreleased chapter 3, I managed to write over 150k last year for BA. Which is a pretty solid number, honestly.

Depending on how life goes, I'll be aiming for up to chapter 4 this year. It'll also be a shorter(?) chapter than 3, or at least a little more manageable since chapter 3 just ended up having a decent chunk of branching. I won't give any estimates for chapter 3 since when I did, I missed all of them LMAO It'll release when it's ready, and I'll be chipping away at it during the times I feel alright.

Final Thoughts

This is already pretty long, so I'll bring it to a close here. If you read this far, thank you for listening to my yapping. And also just thank you to anyone whose played BA and decided to follow along for the ride!! I love BA a lot, and its both very fun and amazing and weird to see others enjoy it with me. The fact I've gotten so many asks, or fanart (please know if you drew fanart, it has been imprinted in my brain forever and also saved in a little folder on my desktop lol) is still a little surreal. So uh yeah, thanks for being here.

For my last trick, since you made it this far you can have an assortment of mindless doodles I have made of BA in questionable quality because I'm bad at photographing my art LOL

(Some of the few digital art doodles I haven't shown. Ft. mirrored Rooks and an unfinished comic page of Rhea)

The Rook pages

The scribbles ft Beck and Lars

The kinda mirrors ft Beck and Rhea

Aaaand that is all because I hit file limit (sorryyyy to Zoe I think I've already shared all the doodles of them I liked throughout the year sjsjsk)

[cheshitora]

Che my love, tell me about Kazutora's music taste. What does he listen to? What are his favorite bands? What was his first concert?

MARENAAAAAAA STOOOOOP!!! i've wanted to make a post like this for so long so thank you for this. i love my boy sm omg im gonna start crying. i have a short playlist for kazutora for my selfship to kinda give a feel of what he might like. but without further ado

i think kazutora has a preference toward pop punk/"emo"-esque bands. i put "esque" because not all of these bands i'm gonna list are really considered to be any of these genres but may have been at one point (for example, there's apparently a debate on whether or not my chemical romance is still considered an emo band). he does listen to other genres (because i do believe he listens to hip hop) but he keeps his music taste within his comfort range.

╰┈➤ my chemical romance

"that being said, he does for a fact listen to MCR. probably one of the most well known "emo" bands. his favorite album is "three cheers for sweet revenge"."

╰┈➤ bring me the horizon

"this is not an emo band but i definitely thought they were when i was younger lol. they're metalcore and i feel like kazutora does listen to some metalcore, which BMTH being his favorite specifically and actually one of his favorite bands ever."

╰┈➤ linkin park

"again, also not pop punk but c'mon, you can't tell me he doesn't listen to linkin park. almost every emo kid i knew was listening to "crawl" or "numb". he particularly listens to their "meteora" album and frankly, actually really likes "numb"."

╰┈➤ tokio hotel

"'monsoon' and 'ready, set, go' are imbedded in kazutora's dna. 'automatic' is another one of his favorite songs. he doesn't listen to them too much but their songs are too good to forget."

╰┈➤ dance gavin dance

"definitely also not pop punk, but i'm a firm believer that he LOVES dance gavin dance. their songs are so fun and obnoxious but when they get serious, they're so amazing. another one of his favorite bands and it's actually the first concert he attends since they don't tour often."

╰┈➤ pierce the veil

"how could i not say he doesn't listen to them? we all know he does. i think PTV also sits in his favorite bands list and his favorite album is "selfish machines" and his favorite song is "the boy who could fly"."

╰┈➤ thirty seconds to mars

"probably not a favorite band but he definitely listens to their "a beautiful lie" album. he had a phase where he had "the kill" on repeat until he got sick of it, so now he rarely listens to them, but won't skip if a song of theirs comes on lol. he really only sticks to the one album and doesn't listen to their newest stuff."

╰┈➤ afi

"i just know he loves AFI (so do i). "miss murder" is such a great band au song imo. it's most memorable song but i must say their "all hallows" ep is such a great listen, even if it's like four songs. but he loves their "sing the sorrow" album (though december underground is really close)."

as i look over these bands again, very few are actually "emo". some honorable mention bands include blink-182, all time low, sleeping with sirens, jimmy eat world (if he's feeling sad), the killers (oh he's so angsty i love him), rise against and the red jumpsuit apparatus.

che's final note :: marena, i hope i delivered. i really hope i did and to anyone else that sees this, this is just my opinion on some bands that tora listens to (my angsty boy i love him).

[worryingthing]

tyn 2/10

The subway was extremely messed up this morning, but because of that I was late to work (nbd, I arrive half an hour before everyone else, also I did not get this week's building code at the time, so I would have had to stand there and wait had I been on time) there was no line for a croissant from Bourke Street Bakery. They have probably the best Pain au Chocolat I've ever had (outside the ones I had in Montreal as a kid when we visited), but the regular croissant is also stellar. As a true Taurus, I can bear the miseries of overlit banal office work if I have pastry.

Because the R was running on a Saturday schedule (?????) I took the M, which means transferring at 53rd. The escalator at mid platform is broken, and I accidentally walked all the way up it last week, resulting in barely being able to breathe at the end (it's like four stories, I am old and post-covid have asthma now). So now there are hundreds of people in line for the other, working, escalator and right in between is the elevator. I have never used a subway elevator, but this is also the first time in my life experiencing a physical disability. So I squeezed into the elevator, and it was fine. I think A LOT about accessibility since joining Access Oasis, a local community garden founded by a friend that has a mission to create an accessible outdoor space. It's done wonders for me as an audhd person to find community and understanding with others who have experiences similar to my own. Also digging in dirt is just, really, really good for you! I love plants. But yes, the angriest I get is usually about how inaccessible the subway is for anyone who would require a mobility aid. It makes me so angry, and so sad, but also in the last few years both of my home stations (previously Brooklyn, now Queens) have gotten upgraded with elevators. They're in process, and it's only two sets of stairs, but it still means more life for the people who need it. Change is slow!! Every station should be ADA approved already, but it's happening.

Oh and because I took the M and transferred at 53rd, there's a corridor you pass through to get to the 6. Many days there's a man standing in there preaching about God to 100s of in transit New Yorkers who are probably, like me, thinking "fuck my life, fuck this job, fuck the MTA" while a man shouts at us to thank Jesus for our lives. BUT he was not there today, and I will take that as the win it was. Sometimes I do begrudge him that he's right I should be thankful for my life but also fuck off.

Things are really wonderful with my friendships, community, and relationship and I'm not sure I've ever experienced that or felt so at ease and comfortable. It's really wonderful.

I'm back working at the last temp gig I had. I had been looking for work the entirety of November, December, and January. It was terrible, probably the lowest I've felt since I got out of my last relationship. But now the sun is setting after 5, and being busy and tired and active is good for me. But I'm here because the person who is normally here is sick. They do not know when he's coming back, but they like me and say I do good work. I don't really want to work in an office or open/sort/send out mail for an office of 200 people. But I want a work/life balance, and I would really, really like to have health insurance. Idk, it's an upswing and I needed it and I'll take it.

PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT TO SPRING TRAINING TODAY!!! T O D A Y!!! FOOTBALL IS OVER, BASEBALL IS NIGH!!!! The golden period is coming (longer light, games on most nights, listening to radio broadcasts of games, going to the Coney Island Cyclones Pride Night every summer!!) During my worst periods of deep depression/suicidal ideation I would try to keep a mental list of names to stay alive for and things to look forward to. It helps and it works, and then I started to try and think of three things I was thankful for daily and one thing I am looking forward to (usually watching movies with friends or whatever plan). Anyway I went long and it's time for lunch, and I THINK it's sunny today? Blessed.

[puzzledmemories]

((i think i'm just on the tailend of this virus. i'm moving around faster today, i can talk easier, still got a concoction of symptoms but i feel like i could go back to work tomorrow, if tomorrow wasn't part of my regular weekend. having an, essentially, five day weekend was kind of nice, honestly... just wish i wasn't sick for it. i have a lot of vacation time to use up by the end of the year and four days left to plan it, so i should start planning it. which i say because, i wouldn't be surprised if my body was trying to make me rest and this was its way of forcing me...but i also wasn't the only person in the house that was sick, so, shrug emoji.))

((i did some non rp writing today to feel out how writing was for me... gave me a pretty bad headache that i had to rest a couple of hours from. the second round of it wasn't as bad, though. tentatively, i want to get back into the swing of things rp-wise tomorrow. i just. head in my hands. being sick is so boring. i've been sick for a week and it's been way too easy to overextend myself with simple things, so i've been very bored.))

((i appreciate everyone being patient while i recover. i've been told this past week that i've been downplaying my symptoms at work, so i probably have here as well; i think this past week is the first time i've taken sick time at my current job for actually being sick since i started, and i've been working there since december 2022. i took, essentially, three days. so my ass is definitely being kicked. i have a tendency to be a workaholic, though... i'm very hard on myself. so we'll see how i am tomorrow, but i'd like to be on here at least a bit!))

((..my car had to be jumped today. i have to drive tomorrow for an appointment, so if it has to be jumped tomorrow, i'm gonna scream.))

[marmotsomsierost]

I have been sick since fuckin. What day. The fuckin 16th of december is when this bullshit started. It is JANUARY FUCKIN FIFTH. That saturday i woke up, coughed (not super unusual with this persistent stupid postnasal drip crap) so hard i puked all of the little i had in my stomach out (super unusual) and had a scratchy throat for the rest of the day. Didn't think anything of it. Was feeling kind of but not really better towards evening. Then, decorating the tree, cough drop in mouth, i go to fling a string of lights up and inhale said cough drop, which lodges just below my thyroid.

I do not die. The dog and the husband are not convinced. I use actual words to mention the not dying thing. They are...slightly more convinced.

Sunday i wake up with sensation in throat, not like pain, not raw, just like...there's something there that isn't normally there. Have minor cough and very raspy voice. Sinuses mostly clear. I wake up on the 20th and have literally no voice. I need my voice to be able to triage people. I call out sick. I go back the next day, it's fine. Still little cough, mostly clear sinuses, just suddenly a tenor. This continues until the 25th.

Dinner on christmas i find annoying to eat. It's like my throat has decided it's full and the stomach goes 'eh okay sure let's stop' in weird agreement. I go to work the next day.

I have turned into the crotchety old man you never see out of scooterdress with snus in his lip and a suspicious possibly-sentient coffee mug in one hand and the other hand tucked into the front of his bibbed pants. Basically Bjørn Sundquist. Anyway.

I now have a coughing wheezy rasp where by the end of the night i will cough all the air out of my lungs, die, gasp in air, cough that out, die again, then am able to breathe again. Unfortunately not shiny and chrome. Still. I call out the next morning, have a video visit, get some antibiotics and an inhaler, we're good to go right.

Wrong. Turns out pretending really really hard that you don't have a fever does not actually get rid of said fever. I call out again. I'm off work the next three days anyway, that gives me a nice block of time to finish my antibiotics and get back to normal.

There's no tech for the two days before new year's day so when i show up despite sounding like a zombie everyone is all 'oh thank god you're here' and 'we have a tech?? We have TWO TECHS?? Yeah!' But about four hours in i keep getting the concerned face and side-eye of concern and avaunt foul beast from the rest of the ED. The doctor tells me i sound worse than half of the patients. The PA listens to my lungs and says something like 'wow with that cough i figured your lungs would be shit but they're actually really clear'. The loud triage nurse says 'well hell marmot's been coughing for weeks and she's still here' loudly several times in earshot of patients whose chief complaint is 'cough since this morning' and the night shift triage nurse tells the charge nurse that i can stay in the back, he wants to keep the front plague-free.

I almost call out yesterday. I had the phone in my hand but an alert went out that the evening tech called out and wednesday was a shitshow so i was like okay, i'm not that bad, i'll go in.

I should have called out. I have alarms set for when to take the sudafed and the cough medicine and the inhaler because time is fake at the best of times and this ain't the best of times. I survive to the end of the shift. I blow my nose before i leave and my ears pop- the right clears fast, the left clears by the time i get home.

I'm off today. Cough is demonstrably better in frequency if nothing else, even without regular doses of medicine. I get home from dropping samus at the vet (she's fine) and blow my nose again, and ears pop. Left ear won't clear. It doesn't hurt but it is driving me absolutely batshit insane. It's like juuuust on the edge of fucking with my equilibrium. I've tried gum. Decongestant. Antihistamines. Soak in hot bath in our dwarf-ass tub as best i can. Am about to try broiling in a shower.

I'm so tired of this crap. Where is bones with a magic lung-fixing ear-clearing pill when you need him.

[catchingbigfish]

writing plans for the rest of 2023

aka, yet another accountability post i'll laugh at in a few months when i realize how off track my plans have gone again

i am freakishly close to done with the first draft of Conversion; i'm at 57k words as of right this very second, and i'm trying very hard to not go past 90k words on the first draft (even though i think it could edge closer to 120k if i let go with full reckless abandon), and really, my target is to make it a tight 80-85k words. plus, my weekend plans to swap my office and bedroom (who the fuck decided the largest room should be the place you sleep?? that makes no sense!) have been thwarted by my fiance getting sick again, so if i run another few 4-5k days in a row? i might knock this out within the week.

on top of that, i'm enrolled in julia inglis's new shadow doll course (it's a shameless indulgence of mine) which starts august first, so it seems like the prime time to consider exactly how i plan to spend late summer/early fall and nanowrimo this year. here's my current plan:

finish the first draft of Conversion by July 31. this seems very doable so far, unless i really do let go and indulge in all those side conversations and small subplots boiling around in my brain.

spend all of august really delving into the shadow doll course, giving my brain a serious break from writing, and channel all that energy into other types of creativity. this also seems doable, but there's a chance i'll be forced onto a business trip in late august. if that's the case, it'll probably be three or four days, and i'll go ahead and do my first read-through of conversion on the trip. (i read So It Goes way too early and i realize that now -- i have to find a way to force myself to give it at least three weeks before i read through Conversion.)

spend september working on a developmental, high-level, birds-eye-view revision of the first draft of Conversion. if all goes according to plan, i'll use the first few weeks to draft new character sketches and go back to tidy up any mischaracterizations from the characters developing along the drafting process, tighten plot points that i think are dragging, and do a new zero draft based on the first draft plus any new additions i think are necessary, then spend the last few weeks doing the actual drafting for any new scenes i need (and hopefully, for the love of god, creating actual chapter breaks in there). this also seems doable.

get Conversion ready for alpha-readers and zero draft the sort-of-sequel Apostate (👀) in october. yeah i'm basically fully committed to this idea now, lol. the working title is Apostate because i'm terrible at titles and i think it's a fun counterpoint to the title Conversion. i've realized my original cult fiction concept works unreasonably well as a follow up to Conversion (and that's one of the two reasons the ending changed so dramatically), so i'm going for it. i'm not confident i can do this all in october, but i'd love to do nanowrimo again this year and draft Apostate during the month, so this is like my stretch goal. also, i'm not comfortable calling it beta reading just yet, but i'm hoping to get Conversion to a point where i can hand it off to some people who can tell me if it's working, where things are lacking, and any glaring issues i can't see because i'm too close it. (if all goes according to plan, i hope to make a call for alpha readers in early october and have the draft handed over by november so i can force myself to only work on Apostate that month! i wouldn't expect readers to actually dive in until after november, since most likely, they'll be doing nano too -- but it's just the best way to motivate myself). this is definitely the goal i see most likely to fall off track.

spend november drafting Apostate. again, the entire concept of writing Apostate is definitely the weakest link in my plans, but it would be so nice to do!

take december off. seriously, if i actually do this in the way i want, i will need *so* much of a break it's unreal.

[chibinightmares]

サッカリン染め承服 «🌸» Saccharine-dyed Compliance

It's been seven months and twenty-six days since your contract was nullified with the Navy and seventeen days since your last day of work.. overall, it's been a busy ride, hasn't it?

Ever since your newfound lover came into your life rather unexpectedly last September, it seemed like things had finally gone in your favor.. at least, until you started to feel.. burnt out. Three-to-four months into your very first job, it felt as though you were making your way up.. a little too fast. Going from a simple employee to a rather shitty and confusing company to becoming the Lead-in-Training for your club's team, it all was too fast.. and the worst part was, you never wanted it to begin with.

You knew your nature well, easily guilt-ridden and simple to trick, but why was it that your boss' words could sway you so easily? You knew this job well, hell, your own mother had spent four years in utter misery because of it.. but then.. why was it that you were becoming too competent to say no?

Of course though, as you'd soon come to find out, this would come to have consequences.

It.. felt weird and scary to feel burnt out for the first time-- almost as though you were letting everyone down by wanting to quit in mid-December.. seeing your name as "Employee of the Month" no longer filled you with a sense of pride.. but rather disgust. You always hated being in the spotlight ever since childhood but seeing your name on that piece of paper on the cork board made your blood boil.. it felt as though your co-workers would come to expect more from you.. even if you knew that wouldn't be true.

It wasn't until January, when your mother convinced you to stay for at least another month, that you found out your boss, the very person who managed to push you this far, was quitting.

..and what followed the days after she quit was hell on your mental health.

Constant back and forthing between not being able to do your job because you knew too much and trying to make it so everyone else could do theirs had made your body weak, sick even, till the point where a possible hire came in and brought a sense of false hope.. a false hope that made you panic when you heard he didn't take the job.

It was horrible until you decided that you had enough.

When February came around, you made your decision. Of course, your boss' employer had offered you a sense of relief but your mind was set in stone.. "you know, when we get a new supervisor in, all the weight of what you've been doing will be lifted off your shoulders,"-- what bullshit to hear.

Though when the day came, it felt.. strange.

The last day of work came and went and.. you went home happy. Happy to have experience but happy to relax finally-- happy to finally feel as though your life was your own again.

It's been seven months and twenty-six days since you felt free, having kept your contract nullification hidden from those around you until you returned home from visiting family out-of-state, and six months and twenty-nine days since you started your first job.

Adulting has just begun and with it, you're lucky to have your partner by your side.. the one who helped you understand it was normal to feel what you felt, who held you close as you got sick from overexertion.. the same boy who you never thought you'd get to hold in your arms as you slept, finally feeling at peace rather than on your guard, damn near 24/7.. the same one who tells you he loves you.

It's an odd feeling to be loved for once.. but it's a welcome thought, nonetheless.

It's been a while since I've made a proper post and well, who would've thought that this would be it.. it's nice to vent once in a while.

[psychicdragoncoffee]

Books

I believe I might have a bit of a problem lately.

I sometimes go to these book sales that take place at a library offshoot that sells used books from the library or books that are donated.

The sale in question mainly involves filling up a tote with whatever you find that you want. Sometimes I can completely fill up the tote. But not every time. Not if I go to every sale.

Then after that, I could go to another store to buy even more books. The first time after moving I didn't do this, but the other two times I did. The first time I did this I went to Target later and picked up four more books.

Then yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble and got three more.

The problems...

I have growing piles of books and don't have shelving space for these books. The only bookshelf I have is exclusively bought for manga. I will have to get more shelves for my growing book piles.

Unless I'm hyperfocused on the book I'm reading I'm a really slow reader. I got my copy of Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes probably in November and I'm not even halfway done with it. Though I do admit I haven't even picked up the book once in December. Since getting that book the two sales happened and I have bought 7 new books [Not including what I got from the tote sales because I have no idea how many I got during those sales] Nor does this include the books I got for Christmas [5 addition books, 6 including a manga. I'm not including manga in all of this.] And this doesn't also include any books I get from Book of the Month either. [5 Books in November, 1 in December, 1 in January though I gave that one away since I had no interest in any of the books for the month.] And then I forgot at least three other books. One was a cookbook, one a used book that my mom had an extra of, then a book about muscle and weight lifting.

So lately I have been trying to progress in the book I've been reading; even if it is just reading a chapter a day. Since I had gotten sick I'm mostly been sleeping crocheting or reading.

I have a server I have made to be like a book club. It isn't very active right now, but I'm hoping it could encourage me and others to work through their TBR piles by talking to each other about these books.

[dawnowar]

Post from the future 12/30/2023

Now I'm back up and around, im starting to exercise again and i'm trying to be a person but im sleepy all the time and im coughing like crazy and I have so much gunk in my lungs and it replaces itself as soon as i cough it up.

I'm basically going to work and doing Jazzercise classes because i only have to the end of the month to get in 17 more classes to get my t-shirt and then i sleep and thats about it.

The bronchitis is sickness #5 in a row.

I've been sick since the end of the first week in October save about four or five good days and a day and a half i was in some denial and tried to be OK for Halloween.

I decide to write off the rest of the year and just work and get my tshirt. Also i end up with unexpected bills for having had to tear the shed down at the same time my vacation was happening and getting sick and missing work and the cat had a thing i had to take him to the vet for (hes fine) and i'm just eating a lot of junk and getting fatter and fatter.

When im sick i eat whatever im craving and im certainly not eating low calorie and exercising. When im sick 5x in a row for basically three months which includes the eating holidays... well I have definitely gained back some pounds i took off before Setzer to look good in my outfits.

December is diet sabotage month anyway so im eating the holiday foods without guilt and i'll get back to diet and exercise in January.

I keep exercising to get my tshirt through December so im flabby but im not out of shape. Hoping that gives me a head start in January.

[cutestkilla]

Happy Sunday folks and thanks for the tags today @j-nipper-95 and @you-remind-me-of-the-babe! Thanks for alllll the tags over the past many, many weeks when I’ve shared nothing @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @ileadacharmedlife @ic3-que3n @hushed-chorus @artsyunderstudy @forabeatofadrum @larkral @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @fatalfangirl @whogaveyoupermission @shrekgogurt @palimpsessed @stitchy-queerista @blackberrysummerblog @shemakesmeforget.

Despite all appearances to the contrary, I have in fact been a busy little bee working on fandom stuff. I spent February making four (more like six because one is a composite of vignettes) illustrations for @captain-aralias' Year 3 Picture Book story, which I’m really excited to share when the time comes. For now, have maybe my favourite little baby Simon face I've ever drawn:

I’m a baby artist, so that many illustrations was A LOT for me and I haven’t written a word of anything since I finished my exchange fic on December 31st, though I have been thinking a lot about my “Wedding Fic” and how I want the second half to go. (Canon divergence in which Simon and Baz both end up at a WoM wedding the week before 8th year starts.) I’ve outlined it three different ways, in fact… ANYWAY, I do have many words written of that since I started working on it 7 months ago, so have some Simon/Jamie that I might end up dropping:

“I’m sorry,” I told him. “That you have to babysit me and miss the rest of the ceremony.” “Are you kidding me?” Jamie replied, cheeks reddening. “You’ve done me a favour. I can’t cast that spell either. A bit rude of them to expect everyone to be able to, if you ask me.” “But my magic… it must be bothering you. It makes my best friend sick all the time when it gets like this.” “Not really, mate,” Jamie smiled. “Maybe we’re just magickally compatible. If you average us out we might come out to one normal magician, eh?” I laughed, for the first time in the entire day. Actually, if I’m honest, more like for the first time in at least a month.

Tags back to everyone mentioned above, and a few extra taggies for: @facewithoutheart @aristocratic-otter @ivelovedhimthroughworse @technetiumai @onepintobean @raenestee @moodandmist @otherworldsivelivedin @thewholelemon @bookish-bogwitch.

[thebattleisoverbut-thewargoeson]

TW: Sexual coercion, stealthing, women on contraception.

A friend of mine, E, is getting married in a month's time. Last weekend was her twice-postponed hen do (owing to the 'vid pandemic), arranged meticulously by her best friend, B. We stayed in a glorious Airbnb, with the Friday night involving games, a piñata, an outdoor jacuzzi and karaoke. Late Saturday afternoon, we went to the cocktail-making class which one of the hens, E's colleague, had booked.

During this, I went over to speak to B and A. I caught the tail end of B saying '...as soon as I came off them, I was fine. My body went back to normal'. She explained to me they were talking about contraception, then asked what my favourite form was. My initial response was: 'My personality does the trick!' before I told them that I'd been on a couple of contraceptive pills in the past which had led to multiple ruptured ovarian cysts, involving agonising pain and being rushed to hospital from work. These have always coincided with me either beginning the medication or ceasing it. Just over eleven years ago, I had an Implanon inserted into my upper arm which did prevent pregnancy when I was r*ped shortly afterwards however, six months later (having been celibate for that entirety), I had a period which didn't stop. When I went back to my GP surgery, they opted to put me back on the Pill for three months, AS WELL AS still having the Implanon in my arm. This prescription ran out just before that Christmas and when my period started that December, it didn't stop once again. I returned to my GP surgery in January 2012 and had been bleeding for six weeks by that stage. This time, I saw my usual female GP and she booked me in to have the Implanon removed and tested me for anaemia, given my prolonged menstrual bleeding.

I also disclosed to B and A, hesitantly, that I'd always been pressured into going on the Pill because every partner wanted to 'fuck [me] without a condom'. I used to be uncomfortable with asserting boundaries and instead of standing up for myself, I went along with it: visiting my GP, discussing different Pill options (ruling out any that could interact with my epilepsy medication) and taking contraceptive Pills as prescribed, purely so that my partner could relinquish any responsibility with regards to to sexual health or unwanted pregnancy in pursuit of his own pleasure. B confessed that her husband kept complaining about having to wear a condom after the birth of their second child four months ago. I suggested that her husband could go on hormones or get the snip if condoms bother him so much. A sneered that men don't want to go on contraceptive Pills because of the side effects, to which I replied: 'So it's fine for women to deal with headaches, migraines, nausea, weight fluctuation, mood swings, ruptured cysts, disrupted periods, acne, changes in libido and who knows what else?' She could only shake her head.

This conversation would've sobered me up, had I not already been drinking mocktails. Having not seen most of these women since our late teens when we were in sixth form, here we were at E's hen party thirteen years on, voicing our disheartening and disenchanting experiences with male partners pressuring us to sacrifice our body's natural hormone levels in order for them to enjoy 'raw' sex. Following instances of my last partner withholding contraception (telling me he'd put on a condom when he hadn't/ removing condoms without my knowledge or consent), meaning I had to seek emergency contraception, I've been celibate for over a year now and honestly? I have no desire to fall off that wagon. Often, I felt like I was just chronically unlucky when it came to this, yet clearly women everywhere share similar experiences. The hen party drove home that even in 2022, women are still expected to aspire to and prioritise events such as engagement and marriage to a man. There are separatism women's movements in Japan and South Korea for women who are sick of dealing with this nonsense. Perhaps it's time that women everywhere followed their lead. In fact, it's long overdue.

[astralscrivener]

⭐ for at skyfall!! :D

first of all: i love u

second of all. this is a long one so i'm putting it under a read more, but first, for anyone who doesn't know what at skyfall is:

can i interest you in a klance and adashi fic where shiro and keith get kidnapped and adam joins the castleship crew

fanfic writers: director's cut!

OKAY SO it's silly. it's so silly. the very very basic premise for this one had been sitting in my google docs for four years. since senior year of high school, bestie!!!! FOUR YEARS!!!! i'm almost done w college that's how long the basic premise has been sitting there!!

here. i can provide a screenshot of exactly what it looked like in my notes. it was a google doc full of things i could use as potential fic titles or chapter titles bc i STRUGGLE with titles so it was handy to have some notes for that. the edit history on this bitch goes back to december 17, 2017, aka peak of the voltron fandom

ID: a screenshot of a google doc. in bold and italics, "skyfall / at skyfall", followed by six bullet points: "multichapter probably, or a oneshot, either way it has to deal with kuron and someone has to come close to death, focus on the downfalls of the two previous black paladins (shiro & keith), black paladin lance, klance for reasons". End ID.

and so you can very much tell that this was in the era when everyone thought lance should have been the black paladin, and also that time when everyone knew kuron was a clone from like the minute he entered season 3 but they dragged the plot out for three and a half seasons. ANYWAY

like many other people, 2020 sent me spiraling back into klance because quarantine truly was the time when people just went back into old hyperfixations. like i was still actively writing and interested in klance, but hoooo the panini brought the brainrot back in full force, and so i wanted to write angst. it had been a long time since i wrote angst. and i wanted a long-term project that wasn't the fix-it fic and also wasn't a modern au. i wanted the paladinsverse dammit. and then lo and behold i found this in my notes and went "oh. i can use this"

i ended up scrapping the kuron thing mostly because i missed shiro and i was sick of the little clone bitch, and also my feelings on BP lance have gotten more complicated, and ALSO i wrote the original premise when no one had any idea who the fuck adam was, and ALSO i've gotten way into the broganes dynamic, and so with the Glasses Of Hindsight on the plot became: shiro and keith having to survive together, keith and lance secret relationship, adam joins the castleship crew

i still chose "at skyfall" bc black lion guardian spirit of the sky and blah blah blah, but the focus is a little less on the whole "black paladins" thing and more on like, the team's bonds as a whole. and also i'm a sucker for devotion, be it platonic romantic familial whatever, so jot that the fuck down. really i just want more hurt/comfort. more "how far would you go to protect the ones you love." more "what would you sacrifice to keep them safe." and so during the past few nanowrimos i just began. writing chapters. and yelling about them. and now i'm six chapters deep and proud of the way it's coming along

(and thank you for editing them my wonderful beta bestie <333)

thank u for this ask!!!

[blot-squisher]

So, I've been working as a delivery driver for the past year and one month for Chick-fil-a (yuck, I know but I needed the money, I have kids to feed).

During the entire time I worked there, all of us were told that if we received three write ups in a 30 day period, we'd be terminated. Well, in the past 60 days, I've gotten four. The first was back in late November because I got super sick and couldn't find anyone to cover my shift. Same thing happened again in December. Got sick, couldn't find coverage. Late January my son got sick at school and I had to leave early to go pick him up. Got a write up for that. Then, Tuesday night I got food poisoning and had to call in for my Wednesday shift. Obviously couldn't find coverage because it was 9:30 pm and my shift was the next morning at 7:45.

So! Today, I was just kinda like... I'm gonna get fired. I couldn't find coverage and that makes three. They just fired another driver and he had doctors notes for his call ins (they don't care!) Worked my shift anyway and before I could clock out, sure enough, my direct supervisor asked me not to leave until he could talk to me. Bet. I asked if I was being fired.

That was when they decided to tell me it's three write ups in a 60 day period, not 30, and since I called in the night before and not the day of (minimum three hours before my shift when the store doesn't even open until 6:30???) I was put down as a no call no show even though they knew I wasn't going to be there. :)

There have been other issues, getting worse over the past few months and if ya'll want the deets I'll gladly share. I'm honestly so relieved to be done with that whole thing. Now I can spend some quality time with my husband and kids while we get ready to move back to his home state. <3

Pretty sure I’m getting fired at the end of my shift and I just don’t care at this point 🙃 I’m so tired of this dead end job. Please. Fire. Me.