#I've been feeling nauseous all week and looking at the screen just made it worse but I wanted to draw SO BAD ughhhh...

[millenniumscreampuff]

Been sick throughout the week, but I still tried to draw at least a bit 😤

[psychicberry]

Major Key Alert (Life Update)

Monday, August 7, 2023

I will start by saying that life updates are cringe. Whenever anyone posts one they disappear again for months, maybe years. But, it's been six months since I've last written, and frankly, I forgot about this blog. This could be due to the fact that I relapsed into my bad habits and couldn't look at a screen for too long without feeling nauseous, so I reverted back to pen and paper. I would have written in my journal today too, but I already turned the lights off and I'm on my laptop. I have a shit ton to talk about, so that's enough preamble.

Perhaps the biggest update, which is a factor in a lot of the other updates, is that I started therapy. As you know, I've struggled with my emetophobia for years, and in 2022, it got significantly worse. I always knew that I needed to go to therapy, to help with my phobia, but I did not know how to go about getting help. Then, this past December, I decided that my feelings and fears were valid and that I needed to see a medical professional and I made an appointment with my primary care physician. I made the appointment under the guise of being tired and sick all of the time, but I mentioned my restrictive eating and unhealthy thoughts. My physician agreed that I needed to start therapy after the tests came back normal for my vitals. I started therapy in mid-January, initially over the phone. I was formally diagnosed with a phobia! Emetophobia, to be specific, a fear of throwing up. The first couple weeks were about processing my thoughts and feelings and how they related to my fear. I learned about anticipatory anxiety, which is exactly what I was feeling. I learned that this fear stemmed from the actions of my father, his detention and DUI, his drunk incidents. I learned that my anxious thoughts aren't my real thoughts, that I can combat them. I learned how to differentiate my anxiety brain from my regular brain and to use healthy coping skills when I do feel anxious. I learned to be more conscious of my thoughts, to notice when and why I might be feeling or thinking certain things. I learned to do socratic questioning when I have cognitive distortions (breaking down the thought to process if it is valid or not). I have now moved on to the exposure therapy part of my treatment. That has also been going well. I have also been talking about closure with my therapist and talking to my father about his actions and the effects they have had on me.

Another update is that I have gotten back on my reading grind and then gotten back off. I started a reading challenge to read 100 books this year and so far I'm at about 56. I slacked off in May and now I'm perpetually behind unless I read like 24 books in one month. Wish me luck on my journey.

This one is probably the biggest change and my newest hyper fixation, but I finally got into K-POP. It started innocently last year with NewJeans and LESSERAFIM, then NMIXX, and then IVE. I swore that I wouldn't get into boy groups cause I didn't get the appeal and they were all the same to me. But then Tik Tok got me... One compilation of Beomgyu being a silly little guy and it was over for me. I am now slowly transitioning into stanning boy groups Together x Tomorrow and Enhypen. I want to buy all of their albums but I'm trying to be responsible with my money so I've relegated myself to streaming their music and watching clips and videos. NewJeans and Tomorrow x Together just performed at Lollapalooza and it physically hurt me to watch the clips, so I never want to regret not going to a concert. Enhypen are currently on tour and I want to go see them so bad. They're going to Chicago and Dallas and I've been trying to decide where I should go and I've been trying to save up. We'll see. I really want to see them. Like really bad. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

EN

[lovecolibri]

I've been thinking... In the 5x13 synopsis, if I remember correctly, says that Buck 'realizes' he has to come clean with TayKay... But realizing and doing are two completely different things...

One of my biggest fears ((way to be dramatic lmao) besides having to see B&L flirt or worse! right in front of my salad) is for Kr*sten and Co. to drag the BT breakup forever... While at the same time having to see B&L flirt or worse! every fucking week...

Could you imagine? There would be carnage

Nooooooo, Nonnie why would you say that?! 😧😧😧

Actually, I had the same thought that maybe that's going to get pushed to the background of 5x13 with the Eddie of it all plus several emergency calls. There's the spider call, the shark cage call, the falling in a hole call, PLUS the big "no fear" lady call that looks like it will be an Athena case-turned 118 rescue at the end. That's a lot, plus we have the Maddie/Buck reunion, AND the Eddie breakdown (WHERE BUCK IS IN THE ROOM), and at least a scene or two of Eddie in therapy! It's going to be a jampacked episode.

I'm feeling like we won't really see her much and he might make the decision at the end of 5x13 to tell her. And at this point, knowing that because of the cheating guilt that we aren't getting the narrative satisfaction like we got with Eddie's breakup, I'm kinda hoping he decides to tell her at the end of 5x13 and then either does tell her at the start of 5x14 and we see him telling her and then cut, and see him tell someone else about how the breakup went, OR start 5x14 with him telling someone (NOT YOU l*cy) that he told her and how the breakup went, keeping it all off screen. Partly because it was always gonna be hella cringe thanks to MW but now with the cheating, it's not even going to be enjoyable watching Buck set himself free, because he's not taking a step forward as a moment of growth, he's in a downward spiral. (IF you want the cheating to make some kind of sense with his character an assume he's in a dark mental place. Otherwise he's just a dick who stayed in a miserable relationship because he was already miserable so he might as well not be 100% lonely as well, and then ditched his gf when he found someone new and shiny that made him feel alive again. But "free and happy and exciting" is how KR promoted this L arc so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️)

I don't think they'll drag it out much further than 5x14 but even once he's single the idea of Buck and L "poking" and "flirting" at work on calls already makes me nauseous (if it was a man 10 years older people might have more to say about them being someone who brings out the worst in the younger character and goads them into make poor choices like she's supposed to do across her scenes with Buck, but that's a whole other post), so I'm just hoping after 5x11 and having this three-week break, that they might change some things up a bit. If not, you can always come yell at me and we can be salt-buddies together!

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 2)

[Donnie x fem reader]

Sfw, part 1 here

Intellectually, Donnie was the best matchup for their leader as today was sparring day. He'd gone against his oldest brother many times, sometimes even coming out the victor himself, but today was just not his day.

He held his staff with that iron grip of his and waited for Leo to come at him. Donnie was more on the defensive than any of his brothers; he had to be. Out of all he was weakest physically but superior in calculations, but he was missing range in this matchup. Leo had a hard time disarming him as his katana could sometimes get lodged in the solid wood staff, giving Donnie leverage to perform the finisher in the short time it took him to dislodge his sword. He thought this time would be how that would happen.

"You're slow today, Donnie," Leo said as he lunged at his brother with a swing of his katana, forcing Donnie to step back. He was too focused on blocking Leo's rapid succession of attacks to respond.

Leo reeled back to swing his blade again but Donnie parried and struck his arm with his staff, shoving it aside. For a split second, Leo actually thought he was fixing to go down by this move if Donnie could hit him again quick enough. But his brother hesitated in thought, and without any reluctance himself, he used his other katana to put him in a compromising position. The match was over and Donnie was forced to stand down.

"Why did you hesitate?" Leo questioned him, lowering his blade. Raph watched from the sidelines with Mikey as they prepared to go up next. Since Leo was the winner, it was Raph's turn next to spar in his younger brother's place.

Donnie huffed and dropped his stance, putting his staff away. "It's just an off day," he replied. Splinter wasn't there to dictate today's training session and tournament, so Donnie was already on his way out to go to his lab by the time Raph stepped up to spar. But Leo sheathed his sword and put a hand on Donnie's shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"You've been pretty eager to run back to your lab lately," Leo said matter-of-factly. He was wondering what was going on, why Donnie seemed weirdly distant the last couple of weeks. He had gone through a very withdrawn phase in earlier times upon entering his teenage years, but now, he was legitimately making everyone guess. He didn't snap at his brothers, and he wasn't any more impatient than usual. But something was different. He'd been spending a lot more time holed up in his lab, which everyone began to notice. Leo wanted to know what was wrong.

Donnie shifted and shrugged, "Like I said, I've been busy with some projects. Also, it's not like I have much to do out here beside training and patrol."

Leo opened his mouth to speak, but Mikey jumped on between them. "You missed game night last week! You never miss it," he butted in. Both Donnie and Leo gave him a look as if to say really? and he added in, "Well, uh...not usually."

Gently moving Mikey aside, Leo wanted to continue, but he saw Donnie staring at him expecting a follow-up when he didn't really have one. Whatever this was, Leo knew that coming at Donnie with questions was not the way to go about it. So he stepped back and gave his brother some space.

"We all have off days," Leo said finally after an awkward moment of silence. "Just work on your speed, Don."

"Got it."

With that, Donnie turned to leave, and Raph entered the ring to go against Leo in the last match of the night.

Once Donnie was gone, Leo got ready to spar with Raph. As they got into position, he contemplated bringing this recent development up with the other two, but decided against it in the end. He didn't want to incriminate Donnie, especially with Raph's assertive approach to handling things. Donnie could be somewhat flighty at times when it came to resolving matters of emotion, at times a little too introspective, but Leo couldn't fault him—he had his own struggles with that very thing, too.

Done, finally, Donnie thought as he skirted into his lab and started up the game. He was late to the party quite literally; training lasted longer than he'd thought, and he was disappointed to see that his newest friend was online, but not responding to his invite. Did everyone get together and play without him? After a few minutes, he almost decided on giving up. The instance made him contemplate whether he even wanted to continue this. Perhaps he'd been too eager.

He sighed. And then the menu pinged, and he was there reading the message in an instant.

Hey, sorry I partied up without you, I just didn't know if you were gonna be on or not :/

Without even thinking, he licked his lips typed back, repeatedly deleting and retyping his message to make sure it was casual but not too casual, apologetic but not desperate—

It's okay, don't worry about it

Likewise sorry it took me so long to get here.

That would do. He'd be lying to say he wasn't feeling that flutter in his stomach; the excitement of something new got to him in a way that only a discovery in his research did, or how he felt when he mastered a new technique in his training.

Let's get started then :)

They started the game, and this time he kept the mic on, as she did. They talked back and forth as they fought creatures and enemies and looted things, eventually coming to learn that she herself was in New York City. He was surprised; suddenly, the world felt a lot smaller, and he couldn't concentrate on just playing after that. The time they spent became more of an opportunity to converse than to play a mundane game for hours on end.

At some point, she switched the topic to his whereabouts. Donnie's breath hitched.

"I'm...not anywhere near. So it doesn't really matter," he told her, cringing. If the guys found out—if Splinter found out—he would be in such trouble.

"Oh," she paused for a moment, trying to find something to say. "That's alright, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me, you know?"

He'd muted his mic to release a deep breath. He got lost in thought thinking about how in that moment, he wanted to be human. If he weren't a giant mutant turtle, he could actually form a connection with someone. It was a very "Mikey" thing to think, he reckoned, but at times he wanted friends just like his brother did.

"Yeah, sorry, I just…"

"It's really no problem, dude."

He felt as though he could hear the smile in her voice. What did she look like, he wondered. He wanted to see her, but he couldn't ask for that when he could never do the same. If he could get her name, he'd be in the clear to do some preliminary lookups on this person, but so far, she'd been dodgy about sharing info about herself as well. He couldn't blame her. They were two strangers online, one with a huge secret and the other completely in the dark about who he truly was. For all she knew, he could have been a creep, looking to stalk her online and perhaps do even worse. The thought made him feel almost nauseous, how she could be considering that about him as a possibility as they spoke. But she seemed comfortable enough. Unlike him, who was still slightly skeptical of the entire thing, because after spending his whole life in practical isolation, he was at a loss as to what to say or do after a certain point. The conversation died off and both of them thought simultaneously about how weird the sudden silence between them felt.

She hummed, as if searching for something to bring up. When she spoke, he was taken aback—"Hey, I'm gonna be honest, I really like talking to you but this game is getting boring. Do you wanna chat somewhere else?"

"Uh…" he trailed off, mind shooting blanks. Oh, was it just a horrible idea. He couldn't keep the jig up forever; the truth was bound to get revealed somewhere down the line. He was fixing to reject the proposition, tell her that he didn't want to take it that far. She could be anyone. The likelihood of it being a clever ruse on account of the Foot Clan was slim, but the paranoia still worked ambiently in the background noise of his mind. But his other doubt stopped him—when would he ever have a chance at this again? He wanted to have the strength to say no and leave it at that. The loneliness that crept up on him from time to time had something else to say.

"Yeah," he answered after a terribly long pause of mumbling, fighting with himself all the way as she told him where to add her. He could have kicked himself had it not been for the fact that he knew how to encrypt data, and that as long as he didn't leak a word about his inner circle or life, it would be okay. It didn't feel okay, though.

"Nice! I'll text you, see you later, Bo. I had a lot of fun tonight," she chirped.

Before he could respond, she was gone from the party, and the mic went silent. It happened so fast. He was barely caught up with the fact that he was now receiving messages and prompts to talk, but he couldn't bring himself to answer right away. He had to refocus his logic; how could this be used by the enemy as a way to get to them? Could they have somehow anticipated he'd download this game and find this random on there? The more the thought about it, the more glaringly obvious it was that it was not the case. It was just too improbable.

"The probability of the Foot being able to simulate such a specific scenario in order to get intel on us is so slim, it is practically non-existent," he told himself as he finally pulled up the messages. He read through them. "Approximately a zero-point-zero-zero-zero..."

My name is (Y/N), by the way :)

Well, that was easier than expected. He figured that somehow, the name suited you—a fitting name for such a personality. But it also gave him a glimmer of hope. It made him want to ask why you appeared to trust him, as he could be anyone on the Earth over the screen, not his benevolent self. Which she had no way of proving, technically. But he soon came to realize the screen painted him in a whole new light that it casted on him. It hit then that he could be anyone. He didn't have to be himself; not necessarily. She'd never have to know, as he could wear a human mask and she'd be none the wiser. Problem was, the lying made him feel guilty, and slowly would develop to be the thorn in his side.

Donnie thoughtfully stared at the screen. Now that he was here, some of his anxiety began to fade. He found himself actually able to talk, someone to listen to his tangents and even build upon them. They spent hours texting back and forth about anything and everything until it was almost time for him to put the phone down to leave for patrol. He felt giddy, like a kid, all over again.

________________________________________

Had you ever been able to talk to someone this easily?

You asked yourself that question as you exchanged with the faceless and nameless stranger over your screen, chatting from afternoon to night. Time flew by in an instant, with him, and you loved every minute. He was someone intellectual, but funny and so easy to talk to that it was as though the conversation carried itself. After some time he came out about his age after you revealed yours. Oftentimes, he'd just present to you a random question when the subject tapered off and run with it, like now:

What do you think of reptiles?

Puzzled, you took a second to reply. Odd question.

Why do you ask? Do you have one?

I was just curious

What do you think of them?

The chat indicator flip-flopped between "typing" and "idle" a few times before a message finally popped up, and you smiled. You'd learned over this short time that he was a dork in a cute way.

Well...I think they're pretty cool.

They've got natural armor and you would be surprised to know just how fast a turtle can be

You laughed a little to yourself. It was such a random thing to bring up, yet you were endeared. Deciding you'd go along with it, you asked him what else he knew about turtles.

Well...

__________________________________________________

Donnie was wondering what he was talking about just as much as she probably was. Stupid, he thought, facepalming. His first time really speaking with a human as an equal and he starts talking about turtles. Of course he knew a lot about them, he was one himself—but for some reason he found himself wanting to dispel myths and misunderstandings about turtles as if they reflected on him, when as far as she knew, he was just a human guy like herself.

He groaned lightly and typed, thinking up a fact that wasn't too conspicuous.

Red eared sliders are semi-aquatic.

As he typed the next part, he caught himself writing "we" instead of "they", to his dismay. He quickly fixed the error and continued, feeling weirdly exposed as it was almost as though in sharing this information, he was putting himself under a microscope for her to inspect.

They can hold their breath for up to thirty minutes, usually

Holding his breath was something he'd tested numerous times before. He and his brothers had actually made a game out of it on a few occasions, with Leo leading at thirty-three minutes, Donnie in second at thirty-one. Raph broke at twenty-nine minutes and Mikey followed behind in last at just twenty-seven. The ability could be trained, nonetheless.

That's interesting, I wonder what it's like to be able to go underwater so long?

It's kind of cool, you should try sometime

For THIRTY MINUTES?

Shit. He promptly replied:

No—not like I can hold my breath that long, I just mean you should try to see sometime I guess

I tested it just for the fun of it.

Looking up how long humans could hold their breath on average (between thirty seconds and two minutes), he bumped the number up a little bit and added:

Personally, I'm at two minutes and forty-five seconds

He was embarrassed, partially covering his face as he waited for a response. Such a foolish slip-up; he couldn't afford to say anything cryptic. But he still was fairly sure that he had recovered that alright. He couldn't help but think about how awkward or weird he seemed to her. Who talked about this?

I don't think I could hold my breath for more than a minute, kudos to you haha

Anyway, sorry to switch gears all of a sudden but if you don't mind me asking, what's up with your family? You have any siblings?

He told her no. He would not bring his brothers into this, lest it be the slim chance of a ploy, after all. He said his family situation was unconventional and left it at that.

With that, he said to her goodnight and put his phone away, getting up to go get geared for patrol. It was only then he noticed the figure leaning against the doorway.

Chapter 3