#I've also learned I HAVE to get enough sleep or my brain/ocd get upset with me

[concoulor]

taking a sabbatical day today

[malewifegradyruewen]

if you don't mind my adding on...

i'm pretty sure i have ADHD and boy is it a struggle. i'm pretty sure i have inattentive type ADHD, so my parents never realised that maybe i had it, because they were watching for the hyperactivity. then again, thinking back, i did fall out of my chair a lot for no reason so maybe my parents were just overlooking that which i wouldn't put past them.

this school year, my sister was diagnosed with OCD, and possibly depression and/or anxiety and/or insomnia (possibly related to other things but i'm not prying). i'm glad she's getting the help she needs, through medication, a psychiatrist, and support from my parents. what pisses me off is that i told my parents that i don't think i'm mentally healthy or neurotypical and they've brushed me off for about nine months now.

and it's affecting my schoolwork. sometimes i can't do my homework because of executive dysfunction, or i'm feeling too depressed to do anything. however, when grades come out, it's always because i'm lazy or not working hard enough. my parents have honestly stopped confronting me about my grades when report cards come home. but i truly wish i was able to do my homework. it's not that it's too hard, or too complicated, it's just that for whatever reason, my brain won't let me and i can't do anything about it.

what stings even more is seeing one of my best friends who also has ADHD getting medicated and actually being able to get shit done. you have no idea how badly i want to be upset at her, but i can't. and then, i feel guilty for wanting to be mad at her, or my sister. then, the guilt leads into a depressive spiral, so i can't focus on shit. it's terrible, and it affects me so much that sometimes i wanna just unalive.

however, because my ADHD and mental illness don't affect my parents the same way my sister's did, it's not an issue. they don't see how it affects every aspect of my life, from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep. because of the oldest daughter syndrome in which i have learned to keep my thoughts to myself, i've stopped bringing it up. i know i have ADHD, and i can't do anything about it. i don't know where i'm going with this, but these are just some thoughts i had while reading this post.

I think that something that we as undiagnosed (and school aged) neurodivergent people need to talk about is the weird cognitive dissonance that comes from being around people that you know have a diagnosis that you fit the criteria for.

This is about a specific person in a class of mine. I know that they’re diagnosed with asd. (they mentioned it one time and it stuck with me) And me, as a person that would likely be able to get diagnosed with autism, knows this. And it makes such a weird situation because it’s like... he’s no older than me. So why does he have that and I don’t? What did he do right? Did I do something wrong? Am I just bad at being myself? Am I not autistic?

And then comes the anger. What did he do right?! What allowed him to get that? Better parents? Didn’t move cross-country during elementary school? Better at being himself and not hiding it? Being born a fucking male?!

And it’s so goddamn annoying. Because I want, so badly, to hate him for it. But I just. Can’t. Because I know I have no reason to hate him. I know that it isn’t anybody’s fault. And it’s also that I see myself so much in him. And that somehow makes me feel good. I like it. I can finally, for the first time ever, simply connect with someone that is at least somewhat like me. But I can’t connect with him. Because I’m not like him. We are alike only in that one regard, and in the regard that being in the same class brought us together only somewhat. But other than that, we are distinctly not alike. And it‘s sad that the people I can talk about most freely on these topics are either actual nd people that I also have never seen that faces of, or 1-2 neurotypical friends that I have.

I just. Hate it.

@gay-otlc

Yes I put it under the cut for one singular tag.