#I'm working on it. exposure therapy or smth

[spotinyourreflection]

I've lived in my house all my life, not counting a few months as a baby, and I know it's safe. No one has broken in, nothing has ever hurt me (that wasn't my own fault. That trip up the stairs was by bad.), and the animals we keep are harmless.

And yet, I was always told to fear the outside world. That people have bad intentions and not to trust them. Maybe it was partially because I was a young girl, coddled by overprotective parents and a first-time mother. Maybe it was because we lived close to a busy street with a lot of traffic they wanted to keep me safe from. Or maybe it was the stories that filled their heads.

I must've been 5 or so when I really understood the first one. At night my mother would leave the TV rolling in her room. I'd hear the stories of death. Of people being killed in gruesome ways, and the police and detectives cleverly solving the crime. I never lingered on the solve, because when it was all laid out it was clear none of them were the perfect murder, and the killers would be caught. It was the death that scared me. Those people who died and ended up on TV, as though their death was a lesson. A warning to others (usually women) that it wasn't safe. Outside their homes, or inside them.

And so I was raised to stay inside. Good habits like locking the door and closing the blinds at night were hardwired into me, but in the same breath I wasn't allowed in our fenced off backyard without adult supervision until I was well into my late teens.

I carry a pocket knife everywhere I go out of worry, and a day out with friends becomes a trip with the guard dog. Any car that follows me for two turns I'm sure is following me, and the person I pass on the street must be dangerous, I'm just sure of it. And yet I make it home safe, unlock my door, and step inside with relief.

Until the door creaks. Until the wood settles. Until it gets dark. Then my home is by own enemy, because what if there is someone inside? What if it's a person out to get me? Murder me? So I end up on those compilations of faces I don't remember the names of. Their murderers are mocked for their failed execution, the victims put on display like a morbid memorial. A warning.

I don't want to be a warning.

I hole up inside, in one room with the door closed. I don't take walks, or go outside or out at all without a friend or family. Ultimately there's really no point to the caution, though. I'm sure that whatever I fear has been inside all along, just biding their time until I'm fully at ease to reach out and grab me. So I'm found, and it's put up all around how such a promising young woman was slain in her own home. They might find the killer, but there will always be more. After all, it's a sign to others. You can't ever be safe, not even in your own home.

[groovyfrog420]

Finished the show, time for a mini theory. (keep in mind that it's late and I'm in no way a poet. just letting the brainrot out of da brain)

Scarab's Voice and what it could mean for possible future character development

long post be warned. DOES contain spoilers!

I had a weird feeling about his human design.

No, not because he doesn't look like a hot magazine-cover model, but because it's a completely different vibe than what his voice & personality have been giving off so far. Why would Scarab choose to present himself as a more scrawny-looking weird little guy, instead of someone who looks perfect, strong, and exhibits fear and respect just from one look at his face? (this isn't a roast I swear just stay with me on this one)

Well, maybe he didn't.

His voice is so grandiose and full of self-confidence, all high and mighty like he owns the world. Even from character design perspective, his human form just doesn't match this vibe. When I saw his human face, I've expected a matching voice, fit for a scrawny character like that, not a bossy boasting man.

Except he does have a scratchy weird voice too

We only get to hear it a few times - mostly, in ep 9 from his little bug-selves, or in the finale, when his mask fully comes off, or during the final fight in more feral, buggier form.

All moments when he's completely out of his depth or loses all self-control.

(Here, around the 6th minute of the episode, he's even more distressed because of losing hold on the crystal. You can hear the difference from his usual voice a bit clearer at this point)

So, here's my mini crack-theory - Scarab fakes his voice.

Or, at the very least, has trained himself to make it sound like that.

Scarab hides a lot of stuff. His face, behind a literal mask, for once. That in itself could be symbolism that there's more to this guy than what meets the eye.

We've got a good look at his obsession with rules and control already. Everything has to be perfect, has to work exactly as expected, as planned. If it doesn't, it must be changed. So, if he himself doesn't meet this standard in his eyes? Well, he'd change that too. He'd make himself fit his standards of perfection, mold himself into a person that's as rule-abiding as possible. Even if that doesn't bring him happiness and he's stuck always chasing smth he can't get, even if everyone hates him for it, it must be the right way, right?

There's also of course, the red-blue dynamic - both his human form and the new shape he has in 2D-dimension are blue and not red as his outer shell. An interesting pattern, as many people have pointed out already.

I don't feel super confident in getting into that part, but, I think it can connect to my previous point - this little guy has layers. They're better reflective of who he is on the inside. That's why neither of those forms is super scary or menacing, softer at the edges.

And I really think that's why his 'punishment' is perfect. Yes, he's stuck with the one guy he hates the most, but it's also the one guy who can show him that following the rules isn't always needed. Therapy by exposure, and all that. Hopefully, that will help him open up and be more honest to himself as well.

TLDR: I theorize that because of Scarab's obsession with rules, he forces himself into brackets and roles he can't find happiness in. He's got a lot of potential for character development if he manages to work this out (likely with the help of Prismo) and accept himself as he is.

I believe that this lil guy WILL be redeemed. Give him time, he's just warming up. He just needs to come out his shell more.

...get it?

ok I'll go

[leafened]

learned that the issue i have where i "go insane" and feel like my body and brain is on fire and can't sleep/ dissociate/become agoraphobic/ feel like I'm being tortured to the point that I have to boil my skin off in a bath or apply ice everywhere and scream/hit/claw myself/drive all night and sleep in my car to get a sliver of relief is because of something called Akathesia that is known to be triggered by tons of antipsychotics and bipolar meds as well as certain antibiotics and steroids.

the symptoms vary and the syndrome is notoriously hard to describe in words, but the one common description patients give is that they feel like they're being mentally and physically tortured. After Cipro last year I was so desperate I ended up soaking my feet in Epsom salts for 8 hours a day (magnesium definitely helps tamp down symptoms), and when I last had prednisone I by all definitions went totally insane the entire course and a while after the course was over. I dealt with this for years straight in high school, probably bc of antibiotics (varying intensity but often completely unbearable, i ended up suicidal and homicidal (typical for the syndrome)) and the most fucked up part is that I've been keeping bipolar meds on the table in case the mania comes back, but an estimated 20% of people end up with Akathesia from bipolar meds, and some never come back from it even after quitting meds. Antipsychotics are even worse, studies show 40-60% of patients on antipsychotics met the diagnostic criteria. and the symptoms just look like insane person shit, so basically zero chance your psychiatrist will work with you to quit them, they'll just up your dose or switch to a med that does the same thing. withdrawal actually makes the symptoms worse, so even if you do manage to quit, you'll probably end up with a prescription again

overall I had maybe 3 years since puberty where I primarily got only nighttime symptoms and only 1 year of no symptoms at all. looking back the Cipro+Prednisone I took 3 years ago for chronic ear infections probably triggered this resurgence, and I had to take Cipro AGAIN 2 months ago for a UTI (amplifying the episode frequency once more). I'm going to keep having those types of risk exposure my whole life and I already spend a good 1/5 of my time actively in an episode. I don't want to add to that

Bonus being I only discovered this bc I've been frequenting antipsych and anti therapy forums. Doctors do not care about people and want the mentally ill and other "problem patients" to die

I also wonder how many people w "slam your head into the wall" style autism are dealing with this. one of the most common presentations is a need for continual movement. I read a South African study a while back showing that therapeutic doses of magnesium+potassium (important to have both bc one uses up the other or smth in periods of stress, don't feel like looking it up rn) significantly reduced repetitive stress behaviors in autistic kids. But magnesium and potassium aren't profitable so why would the industry recommend them.

[celamoon]

*kicks legs* I'M IN LOVE WITH MIZUKI (more oc rambles)

she grew up around rich ppl right

so at first she didn't charge money she just requested that they pay her back with each session with like a lesson in smth

that said, she plays piano

i don't remember if I said that

she also plays the organ bc rich ppl do rich ppl things

and horseback riding

and she basically has the education of an elite as a result

voice, piano, violin, organ, you name it she's probably learned it

she's only mediocre at all of them tho like she can play but she can't do anything else

why? She also includes music therapy in her course of therapies offered

do I talk enough abt her and Matsuda? yes? well here's more

I have this feeling that the two of them didn't get along that well until like idk at least a semester into the schoolyear

Her sister told her to make up with him bc he started talking shit abt her to the steering committee and that was not good

so they made up

yay!!

so the real question is how did Mizuki fall for Matsuda? Easy. EASY

mere exposure effect

she's very keen with emotions and picked up pretty early on that the two of them had really good chemistry

and he liked her first anyway so she was like I like him too!!!

BOOM. Dating.

can you tell I haven't put much thought into why she likes him idk why she'd like him maybe it's the way he stirred Hinata's brain like a latte

Or the fact that the two of them worked on the kamukura project together

either way the two of them aren't actually that toxic for each other without Junko in the picture

with Junko tho? WITH JUNKO THO???

World's most toxic couple fr

the two of them worked together to repress her memories as Ryoko and Mizuki was too enamored with Matsuda to think too much of Mukuro pining the murders on Ryoko

Until Matsuda's dead ofc

and then whole hand thing bc Mizuki was the one who sneaked Kamukura out n stuff u know

so he paid her back by replacing her hand with Matsuda's

mentally ill girlie

Mizuki's fav food is pesto pasta idk why

And her fav luxury brands r Chanel n Dior bc she's basic asf and her childhood best friend bought her first luxury bag from Chanel

Her childhood friends are all dead btw they died during the tragedy

but she kept in contact with them until the tragedy

technically if you squint hard enough she never reaches self actualization in canonverse

like if Matsuda lived she would've been able to but he died just at the worst part of her life possible

and if you think hard enough about it she's lost every single important person to her in her life

In the FF she works as a therapist and is the head of her division

but she kinda just fades in and out of consciousness while working bc she doesn't rlly know why she's still alive type of stuff :(

wow that turned angsty fast wth

[whitemochacoffee]

I just need to scream this into the void lol

I can't believe i was caught in the middle of a suucide attempt thats so fucking funny how it was something so casual. Just a stupid joke before i was about to do it. I had it all planned out over the course of this week, i paid my debts and finished work and i had messages of i love yous readied in my notes app i was going to send out on the day i picked out,, but this just broke me out of it and it was so funny. We were sitting at the top of the building and we were casually talking about our fears because we were studying exposure therapy and they just noticed smth that,,,

I don't think the person who stopped me knew because we were not at all close. They just made a joke about maybe how i'm planning suicide and i forced out a laugh that was so fake i'm sure it unnerved them. I just. Maybe they knew smth was wrong but it's just so funny to me that that's what broke my resolve. A stupid joke caught me off guard.

I think the fact that they guessed exactly how i planned is why i stopped and why i decided i won't go through with it its so fucking dumb a reason but i dont want to give anyone a satisfaction of a guess

I don't think i want to die but i can't take it anymore sometimes. I'll be fine i think. I just need time to cope with myself.