#I'm very grateful to have you in my life snd i love you

[wetbananapeel]

Today has been one of my favorite days of this year so far I think :)

It started off good cause I woke up before my alarm and took my time waking up because of it and wasn't rushed to get out the door. I listened to the Affirmations Song by Snoop Dogg on my morning drive (an essential element is that while it was playing as loud as my speakers can play, I was also screaming the affirmations as loud as I could with all of my windows down). A local musician dropped one of my favorite songs of theirs on Spotify during this drive also. It's significant because I previously could only listen to this song live as they don't have much recorded music out yet. But because I have heard it so many times live and with friends, the song is so meaningful because of the memories and I'm so grateful I can now listen to it whenever. I truly adore my local music community <3 (I later shared my excitement for the song release on my story and the musician shared it on theirs which was also a good thing from today :)

I haven't gotten coffee out in a long while, so I got coffee AND had time to get breakfast from Taco Bell also (this was actually such a treat and felt extravagant). I went there and the person taking my order was a classmate from my painting class and I was so excited to see them. The cook who made my order upon passing it off said "this for your friend from painting class" and it made my heart feel warm <3

Then, if that wasn't such a phenomenal morning already, I got a lot done at work, but also put in my formal letter of resignation from my job as a supervisor. I am actually feeling quite a bit of relief that I have finished my contract; this semester has been such a draining semester for me emotionally and knowing the end is near gives me a lot of hope. I'm leaving because of a move and this makes it feel more real that I'm actually moving.

Then, and this is where the day really started to get better and better, I left work and met up with one of my dearest best friends. I was so excited to see her as I always enjoy her company. We searched for my new emotional support water bottle, as I still cannot find the lost one I have had for the past 3 years, and had to go to a few different places because I had specific criteria ✨ the bottle ✨ had to meet. Then, we went and got tacos at a local spot that I have many good memories at. It was a beautiful day and we ate outside. There were birds flying around our table, but a house sparrow lingered while eating a corn chip. Magical vibes only 💫

After tacos we went and ran some errands which included going into a pet's store for prescription cat food and seeing a cat (the first of three I seen today. Vvv grateful. How wonderful).

After our time concluded, I drove to another friend's house. This is also one of my dearest best friends and I hadn't seen him in quite some time and it was so good to hug him. Lately, hugging friends has felt so much more significant and because it had been nearly a month since I had seen him last, this one felt extra special.

We hung out at his house and baked two cakes, a lemon cake and a pineapple upside down cake, both of which were delicious, but the pineapple was the clear winner.

And we just talked while Wall-E was on in the background and it was so lovely. At that point, a third friend, and you guessed it, one of my dearest best friends, reached out to me to see if I had plans that evening and if I wanted to hang. I cannot tell you how heartwarming, meaningful, and significant it is to have the most dearest people in your life (these are all my core friends) all separately ask to hang out with you on the same day independent from one another. It means so much to be chosen by these people and to choose them in return. I am so grateful for these friends in particular and value the relationship I have with all of them so close to my heart.

But guess what? I was able to see all three of them also. What a marvelous thing. Truly. I feel so incredibly privileged to have these people in my life and spend time with each of them. I am grateful to be chosen by them. I love them all with such intensity it hurts. I am so glad they are all in my life. I truly feel very loved today.

When I got home, I washed my new emotional support water bottle and put the first band sticker on it. After I put that sticker on I was scrolling through Spotify and seen that that exact band who's sticker I just placed on the bottle had released an EP today also. And with the remaining time left on Friday, I listened to the EP. Literally the duration of the EP was the exact time that was left on Friday when I started listening. It was 11:43 and the EP was 17 minutes long. So, literally from the moment I got up till the end of today, all things have been good. What a blessing I'm not taking for granted. What a wonderful day?

Today has been nourishing in ways I'm too tired to articulate now, but it's definitely going in the books as one of my favorite days this year. I'm glad I took pictures <3

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!