#I'm trying to deamericanize it

[tropicalrpg]

28 i'm not exactly questioning post 27 but i'm having a hard time feeling peace and love right now. i was happy earlier today, truly genuinely happy

i know this post won't be long, but it could be. i have a lot of thoughts on the topic that's troubling me. there's a soccer game soon on the telly—a football game. i should deamericanize myself. i feel like shit. a pain, a loneliness in my chest, and if my team loses i have no fucking clue how i'm going to get out of the house tomorrow. though i guess the thing i'm going out to do will cheer me up.

i have this faith in my heart that my love life would be tremendously easier were i cis, straight, or both. were i into women at all. the fact that i'm ftm and gay is a big stressor in my life, is my point. my love life. being trans doesn't really affect my everyday life anymore, not really, not past passing anxieties. (not passing as in passing, although yes that too, but passing as in ephemeral.)

if i were a cis girl, a lot of my attributes would have ended up attractive, not incongruous. i would have more control over them. even if not ideal, they'd be less frowned upon. not in the sense that women are put up to less of a standard, because i'm not stupid, but in the sense that they're seen as attractive, still. women are prettier than men. women are easier to find pretty than men. i don't know. there's so much fucked up about what i say, what i want to say, what i feel and might be incorrect, but i need to say it. if anyone even reads this, my vent with its scary title, feel free to, i don't know. dm me. i have no friends on this blog. i kind of wish i did. i wish i had a friend i could be completely honest to. instead i have this fucking thing and a therapist who i don't have the time to say all these things to.

and if i liked women, i wouldn't be as deeply scrutinized, because gay men fucking suck. they aren't going to be attracted to me for years. no fats, no fems. there i go. women have been into me. several. not that i'm bragging, i'm not, i really hate myself for being unable to reciprocate and find joy in my life. no boy has been interested in me in years, i don't think. and i've been fooling myself.

yesterday i was flirting, or trying to flirt, with a guy who my friend fucked in a party bathroom last year. a guy he kissed the first night they met. i didn't kiss him yesterday, i think we barely flirted. our legs touched underneath the table, our arms touched on top of it, and my touch starved self (i haven't kissed anyone in three and a half years; in 2018 alone, i kissed twenty people) was so pleased with that, i despised myself when i made him scoot over. i want to ask him out tomorrow, but the last boy i asked out ghosted me. again and again. he makes me feel good then like shit.

there's this boy i used to kiss. we kissed every time we met. and i thought maybe he'd still want to kiss me now. but i have no way of meeting him, and i fell into the trap of situationship-adjacent instagram flirting, delusionships, whatever, and god. i just wish i could see him in real life and get this shit sorted. i wish i had ever talked to him, and had the power, the strength, to dm him like i did joão and like i'm going to do to marcos tomorrow.

and the worst part of me considers someone else. someone i don't want to kiss, but someone who, in my heart of hearts, would always want to kiss me. which is mean to him. X; i've been so mean to him, i never even wrote out the promise of his story. i wonder if he would want to kiss me still. his life has changed so much. he and that same friend of mine fucked at another party. this friend of mine whom i love deeply but who shatters all prospects of my joy. because who can compete with a tall twink with blond hair and blue eyes? not a 5'3 overweight trans guy with hair everywhere; too young to be a bear, too small to be a cub, too unattractive to even kiss someone. the utmost failure of a gay guy.

i hope i find love eventually. i hope, and like to believe it is to come; if i say it's not, my sister will bring out the stats to prove me wrong, and she'll argue that i find myself unlovable on the grounds of my body or identity. i don't find myself unlovable. i just know i'm hard to love, because i'm the opposite of everything anyone has been taught to love. boys are taught to like girls; boys who don't are taught to like twinks or jocks; boys who don't, or who aren't, are taught to like big, burly, manly. not a tiny guy with a pussy. (though i know this is probably appealing to someone, somewhere, that someone is hard to come by in my current circumstances.)

i'm just frustrated. alone. horny. alone. sad. i wrote a letter to a friend today and came up with some hypotheses as to why loneliness is a universal human experience. i don't think i listed my own, the one i think would explain why i feel so gutturally, fundamentally alone. i'm not sure i've come up with it yet.

23 07 17

[illgiveyouahint]

I feel your tags on the queer post so much. I've never been very active in my own queer communities in Belgium(where I grew up) or Germany(where I studied) and I feel a total disconnect from it. Everything is so focused on America (literature, films, series, discourse) that I sometimes forget how it is where I'm actually living. I know nothing about the history. For the most part, I even lack the vocabulary in my languages except English to talk about these issues, which makes it harder to do...

Hello darling, 

Oh I feel you on that so much. I struggle a lot when talking about queer issues in Czech. And tbh even though I've been an activist for about 3 years now I'm still learning about what the lgbtq+ community is like in my country. Still learning the history of my own country but know all about the lgbtq+ history in America. 

what I would suggest is to try to follow some local organisations. I don't know what organisations exist in your country I only know people from the Wel Jong Niet Hetero but I'm sure there's plenty to choose from. In my country, we for example have a Centre for queer memory which focuses on my country's queer history. I'm sure you have something like that in your country as well. that is a good place to start so that you can learn about your own country's history. You don't have to get involved or be active but just follow them on Instagram or facebook or whatever you use and see what they're posting. I'm sure Belgium has a rich lgbtq+ history and we should know definitely know more about it. I know a bit more about the German lgbtq+ history since they're our neighbours and I'm sure they have plenty of resources as well. I'd say just start somewhere and follow a few organisations and see where to go from there. Also in terms of the literature, films and series? I promise you it is there. Not as much as the USA and maybe not as out as in the USA but it is there. It just takes a bit of searching (the only Belgium queer film I know is North Sea Texas but I'm sure there's more). Also not just in terms of lgbtq+ topics in general I'd suggest to start following more belgian/german organisations/people etc. and perhaps go through your follow list and maybe eliminate the number of Americans you follow. Like do you really need to follow all these American celebrities? Just try to bring more balance to it.

Good luck 💛