#I'm tired and I would rather sleep anxiety free tonight

[v3nusxsky]

Hii, I love your writing and you're so very talented!!

Please, feel free to ignore this request if you don't feel comfortable writing it 😊

I was wondering if you could write a Lady Lesso x Never!Student platonic where the reader has depression. The reader has no motivation and everything seems like a chore - even eating. She would feel so terrible that she would phyically get sick and nauseous and tired all the time. The nights are the worst because her mind is plagued by dark thoughts, the nights seemed to never end, she's afraid she'll do something stupid so she rans down the hallway knocking on Lady Lesso's headquarters' doors.

She's afraid of Lady Lesso but she's afraid of herself even more.

I suffer from seasonal depression that lasts from like February to October and I'm tired already-

It gets to the point I even think things that aren't even true. Like... I'd mix reality and thoughs. For example - I'd be thinking my phone cracked and for some reason I'd believe it. I get so confused xD And I'd isolate myself from people not even caring. I wish I could feel bad because I stopped communicating with them but I just don't.

Hey lovely anon! <3 thank you so much for your support and kind words. I hope this is what you were looking for <3

Save me from myself

*Authors note| This seemed very fitting for my mood today so I absolutely have had a blast writing this.*

Trigger warnings~ food issues depression self harm the whole lot really

Prompt~see ask^^

Depression is a strange thing, especially when coupled with anxiety. It's like you have no energy to do anything but your brain is going a million miles a minute. Yet it makes perfect sense, your brain is whirling so many thoughts that it's draining all of your energy. Self care goes out the window, anything that really requires any physical emotional or mental energy goes too. Why does life have to be soo hard? It feels as though everything is getting on top of you and pushing you further and further back into this dark place.  The dark place being cold and lonely, two of the things you wished to not feel, yet they surround you all day every day.

Food isn't on your radar, even the thought of food makes you feel nauseous. All you want to do is sleep for the rest of eternity. Yet your mind refuses to allow that. You know that staying in doors, in bed, is not helping you. Yet getting up is much too difficult. Sleep seems to evade you. Taunting you as if it knows your desperation for it to claim you. The lack of food, sleep and your overwhelming feelings seem to control your everyday thought. You know it's wrong and that you should ask for help but the energy to do that is missing.

That's why you turned to an older coping mechanism. You didn't mean to. It was a moment of weakness and not one you had planned to do again. You felt guilt as sin. Yet when you did it god the numbness was something you craved. But you couldn't do that again, it was a dangerous path that was extremely hard for you to crawl your way back from. Scars littered your arms now and they served as a reminder, self harm was not and is not the way forward. So for days you focused so hard on not giving into the urge, it was draining you but at least it worked.

As a never it felt wrong to even consider reaching out for help, it was weakness. Never's aren't weak. Weakness got you in a vulnerable space, something you really can't afford. Yet for some reason you had bonded rather well with the one and only Dean of Evil. Your recent slip into your seasonal depression had you pulling away from Leonora, something she didn't take too well. At first she assumed you were unwell, after all no one can stay in perfect health all the time, but soon it became apparent something darker was lurking behind your dorm room door. Something perhaps you were trying to hide. She trusted in you to find her when you felt ready, she had told you day or night she would be there for you and had truly meant every word.

Tonight, you broke. Fighting this battle alone was terrifying, and you didn't trust yourself to not fall back into that bad habit, you knew what would happen if you stayed in the room alone. You knew where to find your collection of sharp objects and how your control would dwindle fast just by the sight of them. You could feel the sensations of them on your skin. This was dangerous territory and you knew it. So without thinking you fled. Seeing the outside of your dorm for the first time in days. The candle light seemed awfully too bright and overwhelming from what you remember, was it always this cold? Briefly, you considered going back to hibernate under your blankets and just wait this out, but the sensations on your arm reminding you just how much of a terrible idea it truly was. So you ran.

Your body mindlessly taking you to your safe place, your home. Before you even knew it you were up the hall standing outside of Lesso's chambers. A luxury only had been given, for this exact reason. Yet here you stood, willing yourself to stay put and knock. Yet your mind was telling you to go back to the room and give in. Give in to the demon that plagued you. You need it. But you don't want it. And that's what makes you knock. Small timid knocked in a carefully designed pattern alerted the older women of your presence. And when that door opened, you felt your heart shatter into a million pieces.

This was absolutely terrifying, but you were more scared of your own mind right now. Your body reacting instantly by seeing the women, you threw yourself in her direction causing your body to slam into hers. Sobs tore through your body as she brought her arms around your quivering form. At this point you didn't know what was real and what was in your mind. Was she holding you? The words you hear, are the created by your mind? You didn't know, and truthfully you didn't care right now. You needed her and she was here, in person or in your mind , but that didn't matter. She was here when you needed her just as she had promised to be.

Soon enough you had settled on her sofa in front of the fire being cocooned by her strong arms and words of reassurance and encouragement being whispered into your hair as you let it all out. Tears and muffled apologises for pushing her away, hurting yourself and not being strong enough. Each and every fear she squashed and by the end of it you had snuggled closer and fallen into the first restful sleep you'd had in god knows how long.

Word count~ 1170

[storiesofsvu]

incoming personal rant about family bullshit, minor work bullshit and holiday bullshit. you're more than welcome to read/reply, you're also more than welcome to scroll on by, feel free to ignore my venting, i just need to get it out

so, as y'all know already, xmas is an extremely stressful and busy time, esp at work and in the industry. we have extra shifts, longer shifts, more complicated functions, everyone's tired, everyone's cold, everyone's sick of the entitled guests. we had group in on tuesday that had a $4500.00 bill and they didn't want to tip the service staff....

2 weeks ago i finally picked up when my mother called because i was finally #1: awake when she called, and #2: not at work and #3: had the mental energy to DEAL with the conversation. she said that my aunt was going out to sask to see my one cousin and we were invited, i declined (and already had) because it's like a fucking 18hr drive, and i didn't want to fly (and that wouldn't have helped, like, look at the airports). she asked if i thought i would come up there (for reference, it's important to know that i do not drive). i said no, i had a bunch of extra shifts, i only had three days off and wanted to spend them doing nothing, relaxing etc. she asks if i want her to come down here, i say no, that i only have three days off and already have plans with the girls from work who also aren't going home to have drinks, order pizza and watch shitty hallmark movies (not a lie).

I FIND OUT TODAY THAT SHE'S FUCKING COMING DOWN TO "SURPRISE" ME FUCKING TOMORROW. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??!!!

She didn't ask, she didn't tell, she's assuming she can stay with me, and i don't know how long she's planning on staying for. Thanks to numbers at work and cuts I managed to get a full 8 days off and I planned on doing NOTHING but catching up on writing and reading, drinking, watching my tv shows and relaxing, ALONE in my empty house cause the roomate would be gone home to family for xmas.

Not only that but i was supposed to be working tonight, i just got cut because i was the third bartender in and theres only 70 ppl. So i would have been out until like, 3, 4 am, up untl probably 5/6 or later, and sleeping until 5pm. THERE IS NO FUCKING BUFFER IN THERE BETWEEN WORK AND BEING FOCED TO HOST SOMEONE WHO I DO NOT WANT IN MY FUCKING HOUSE ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW.

not to mention i do NOT have anywhere for her to sleep. i'm not giving up my room, i'm not giving her parker's room (technically i own the bed, but like, it's parker's space, you don't get to sleep there or even look in there). there was a futon in the house last year because sam owned it. like, if she thinks she's sleeping on the couch? girl. i couldn't do more than 2 nights on your couch at 30, i doubt you'll enjoy this shitty couch for sleeping at 73... ALSO, last year she went creepign down the hall all "i'm just gonna snoop into your bedrooms" like.. FUCK YOU, NO! Like, MAYBE you deserve to be able to look into my room cause i'm your daughter, but guess what, you have NO right to look at my roomates space?? esp cause both rooms were dirty and the mess from the rest of the house was shoved in there, like, fuck you, you're so fucking invasive.

I have been battling burnout, being sick, and other work bullshit for over a month now. Thanks to having tonight off I at least have time to try and process her coming, and now i get to spend my one buffer day riddled with anxiety, panic cleaning the house and all that shit rather than ENJOYING my fucking holiday?!!?? like FFS. i no longer get to enjoy even my first day off?

she has no clue what my schedule is, she has no idea what my plans are, like i could be out of town with the besties, i could already be planning to spend xmas with someone else's family, or friends, parker and i could be hosting a giant "orphans christmas", yet you think you have the right to just fucking show up on my doorstep and barge into my fucking life when i told you not to just because you're my parent!???

spoiler alert: you don't have that right.

there's a reason i moved away. there is a reason i no longer go home for holidays, there is a reason i rarely talk to anyone from my family. and shit like this? is *just* going to make it fucking worse.

tl;dr: i'm fucking livid and wanted to spend the next week getting as much writing done but apparently imma have to play host even though i didn't ask for it.

and please don't you fucking dare come into my inbox or the replies all "awwe but you should be happy that she cares, you should be happy that she wants to spendtime with you, you should be..." no... you don't know shit about our relationship and if you'd like to hear why i dislike my family so much i will gladly give you some examples.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Thursday November 9th

6am Woke up really well rested! Good!

Got sad when I saw I didn't have any messages overnight. CBT: This is your anxiety plugging emotions into nothing. Nothing has transpired, there's no real reason to feel anxiety, the anxiety is only coming from inside you.

Why hasn't he texted you? He's sleeping and he's a POS you don't need that controlling your energy. You can't control what he does. Reclaim your energy.

What am I thankful for this morning?

- nights rest, stretches, soft blankets, cool fan, and the fact that I have no hw due tonight! Think about that! ❤️

630am I should buy another candle for the bathroom for my showers lol don't know why the last one went so quick

7am tumblr can be a really nice positive space, it's like the only positive social media like that's kinda insane.

8am about to get ready for class, I can't stop thinking about him. I would like to try to not text him today just to see what happens really. I'm afraid he won't notice or not care and just not text me either. Maybe that's what I need. Whatever this is, is clearly not working. Got to leave early enough to get a coffee bc maybe that will distract me. Drink for lunch too, I'm tired of gorging myself and wasting money on food. Just breathe oh yeah I'm going to take a benadryl and maybe that will help with anxiety.

830am I want to text him so bad but I really shouldn't lol. He doesn't care enough to change. I won't say he doesn't care at all, but he doesn't care enough for me to keep doing this. I got an iced coffee and an egg McMuffin :)

11am Daydreaming about traveling over the break. I need to be realistic tho. I know I am able to take off on a flight somewhere but let's be real I probably won't have the time off and money to do something like that. I'll keep it in mind, but I don't want another Disney scenario where I just go completely broke on one adventure, I'd rather do day trips, maybe an overnight if that even sounds like a good idea. I like sleeping in my own bed unless it's for a really good reason tbh. I want to focus on things around here that I don't typically have availability or mental capacity to do. I know I'll have fun regardless. Maybe even do the plasma thing some afternoons or mornings really to fund the adventures I'll have on my true off days. Just thoughts :)

1130am I passed my HIV patient counseling! It says satisfactory in the gradebook! For some reason I can't see my rubric so I started to panic and doubt myself, but now I know I'm not the only one who can't see their rubric, so I'm sure that part is a fluke/ irrelevant :) just breathe and enjoy the passing grades ❤️ if something is wrong, someone will let you know ❤️

12pm lunchtime! I'm getting curry chicken. Journaling is actually helping a lot and made me realize how intrusive and repetitive my thoughts are when I don't write them down. It's like I need a little vent port for these thoughts to fly out of my brain like steam out of a boiling pot of water. Crazy tbh lol.

1pm Ate lunch outside with some friends and it felt great!!

3pm lol I zoned out during the whole Verbal Defense (not mine!) But then he texted me good afternoon so I sent him a picture of my sweet tea, nothing crazy. I won't let him control my evening. I just wonder what is his motive lol. During class I was looking up free and cheap things to do and it's funny how a little googling can come up with a thousand things to do! So much fun to be had in the world :)

4pm he got me looking at my phone for a text back bitch guess what I'm taking a nap just like I planned lmao I'm not waiting around to talk to you wtf. Call me like I asked you to if you wanna talk, I hate this texting shit and he knows that. What am I a high schooler? Texting bs got you into this mess in the first place dumbass. I'm eating a cupcake and taking a nap.

6pm I have woke up from my nap. No messages lol I guess he just wanted to see if I was alive?? Don't know don't care. Nap was ok, cats kept waking me up or micro waking me up I think but that's ok too :) - There's really only one week left of this bullshit I am so proud of myself ❤️ I actually love the idea of NOT burning myself out the last week so that when I leave school I don't necessarily NEED to do that hibernating thing where I feel like shit for 4-5 days afterwards. I'd like to exit my verbal defense maybe take a nap just like I did today to refresh and then shit take myself out for a nice dinner and get dressed up. Instead of getting drunk and passing out, I can do that most other nights after a closing shift 🤣 I want to start my vacay right away with no need to "recover" in such a drastic manner. Let's see if we can make that happen :) I think that also includes NOT avoiding fun things the next week, bc I always avoid fun stuff when I'm stressed as if I'm going to jinx myself, but I think I'm ready to break that curse of "all work and no play." We shall see ;)

9pm A little tipsy but I'm getting my work done :)

11pm I keep wanting to text him because I'm in a GOOD MOOD but when he doesn't reply it puts me in a bad mood....... So solution is simply DON'T TEXT HIM AND ENJOY YOUR GOOD MOOD QUEEN 😂 he's stupid for leaving and he's missing out on this drunken chill fest tbh and one day, I'll have a fuck ton of friends I've acquired through the years of being myself that I can randomly snap my thoughts to and they'll actually reply and care 😂

12am I know I texted him some dumb shit but idc I still feel good and I love journaling and Tumblr. Getting tacos again for dinner bc JFC I did a LOT of dumb shit work today. He's such a loser he can't do shit by himself not even get a taco 🤣 tbh one day I feel like you'll find someone who's gone through what you've gone through and you'll have so much in common and everything will just be EASY. Yeah I'm fucked but I'm not the only one going through this so I know I have an army of ppl out in the world who would have my back in a heartbeat and THAT'S what matters and what keeps me going fr.

1245am What a weird day. I want to keep journaling so bad I think it'll help me alottttt. I texted him a little but it's like it doesn't matter as much as it did previously lol. It's different now. Let's keep it up :)

[rainbowravioli]

I really loved your meta on Yuuri being bi and his crush on Yuko! Thank you for putting it together. If you don't mind, can I ask what you think of the biphobia w/in the fandom? I've seen people take offense to the idea of Yuuri liking Yuko just because she's a woman. It's not just limited to whether or not he had a crush, they hate the thought of him being bi. I mean, she's married w/ kids, he's w/ Victor, there's no other love story. Where is the threat they feel? It hurts me because I'm bi.

Oh anon, what more can I even say on the topic than to point out that, after writing numerous negative posts about the finale and beyond, I only ever got anon hate the second I made that post about Yuuri having (canon) feelings for Yuko. Even now as I write this I feel anxious for a repeat of that. I think that already says a lot.

I think it’s terrible. For me the worst are those “jokes” about how Victor killed the last remaining shreds of heterosexuality in Yuuri or turned him gay in any way. Yeah, that’s totally how that works, you’re gay or straight depending on who you’re into at that exact moment. I die a little every time. 

I just don’t understand why people feel so threatened over the fact that Yuuri had feelings for Yuko. Feelings that were never reciprocated, and feelings he moved on from. There’s no love triangle here - Yuko is happily married and Yuuri and Victor are only ever shown to be interested in each other going forward from episode 1. They’re not going to suddenly leave Takeshi and Victor and run away together. Yuuri’s feelings for Yuko don’t diminish his feelings for Victor. It doesn’t take away from the value of the relationship. In fact, as I have pointed out numerous times, Yuuri’s past feelings for Yuko are an important plot point and an important part of his character.

Oh but nobody feels threatened by the people who for some ungodly reason headcanon that Yuuri slept his way through the male skating circuit before meeting Victor. Or the ones that headcanon that he was with Phichit during Detroit, no. That’s fine with fandom, but Yuuri having canon feelings for his childhood best friend who happens to be a girl??? Blasphemy!

And yet, people don’t seem to have a problem saying Victor is the bi one and I wonder why that is. Why is Victor, who is exclusively attracted to Yuuri, uses gender neutral pronouns to refer to his past relationships, and has worn two outfits to pay homage to two openly gay real life skaters, the bisexual one? The only justification I’ve seen is people picking on the extremely wrong idea what Victor was a playboy and just slept around with anyone before Yuuri. Cause you know. Those promiscuous bisexuals, am I right? 

People are so transparent.

It’s not really a problem exclusive to the YoI fandom though. I’ve seen this in many other places. Any time a character expresses interest for the same sex all previous attraction to the opposite sex gets erased because this somehow threatens the same-sex couple. I’m very tired. 

Attraction to more than one gender exists. Yuuri has shown it. He isn’t gay. It doesn’t diminish him or Victuuri, so let it be. 

And before anyone decides to invade my ask box for this. First, the block button is my friend. Second, I’ve written about this before so check these first, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard all the arguments already

(x) (x) (x) 

[ms0milk]

falling asleep with a claustrophobic s/o

| ft. tengen, rengoku, sanemi, and giyuu

a/n: i'm SUPER cleithrophobic (which is like clastrophobia but more a fear of being trapped and unable to get out, rather than being afraid of small spaces in general) and cuddling is really hard for me. sometimes i, me, the author has to indulge in some VERY specific comfort hcs 🙈

tengen

bedtime got you down?

cuddling feel like being buried alive?

well you’re in luck!

b/c your husband is as broad as a california king

‘but i’m big big :(‘ you protest

to which i say

sorry

he’s even bigger

he will always be bigger than you and he will always want your weight sprawled on top of him

tengen thuds onto his back in a sea of satin sheets

“come”

he pats his chest invitingly and peers over his big old bust at you

“ten, i’m not sleeping on top of you.”

he pouts and drums his chest some more

“you don’t love me anymore”

“your boobs are too big!”

pouty lips curling at the corners, he sits up a bit to reach for your hand

you always fight him when you think you’re being a burden

you don’t wanna fall asleep tangled in his arms?

nonissue

he would sleep on hot coals if it made you more comfortable

smile on his face

“you love these double Ds”

“they’ll give me a crick so bad i die”

you’re not fighting him anymore though, as he takes your hand and pulls you forward

“dying in my arms y/n, very romantic”

it only takes one tug to pull you off balance and your head lands squarely above his heart

you can hear it beating clearly here

and if anything, a little too fast

“you got a crush or ‘sum?” you murmur into his collarbone with one defeated, and cozily squished cheek

it’s perfect like this

you wiggle all your limbs and bask in the freedom

he tosses a blanket over your little dogpile

and rests a hand on the back of your head to keep you from slipping

“y/n, a crush?” he grumbles into your hair, “when we first met, i once– from the thought of you alone– without touching myself– achiev–”

“goodnight tengen”

rengoku

kyojuro is ridiculous i swear

who thought ‘yes i’ll simply write the perfect man and then let him be perfect in front of a yearning audience’??

a sweaty heat between you

legs over hips

your waist in his arms

a thumb swiping at your cheekbone rhythmically

it’s too hot

–can’t bend your arms, can’t free your hips, it's too–

“it’s–it’s too much”

you roll a few times out of his arms to the safety of your empty futon beside his

“i’m sorry kyo”

he’s warm and wide and heavy and so fucking cuddly

“my love, are you alright?”

when you peek at him behind you, in his own bedding, his golden eyes look so concerned it kills you

he’s propped himself up on an elbow

ready to jump into action

has he offended you?

are you unwell?

do you need a doctor?

“i’m sorry” you murmur and turn away from him “i’m tired, i don’t want to touch tonight”

“oh love, i’m sorry, i wasn’t trying to–”

“no, no” you roll back over in a hurry to correct him, “i just have to be over here right now”

he doesn’t understand

“are…um, have i, maybe..”

how could you possibly tell the man who hung the stars for you that holding him at night makes it difficult to breathe?

“my chest,” you pull one of his hands out of his blanket and press it against your heart, across the divide of your futons laid side by side, “it feels tight when i’m in closed spaces”

he melts in your touch and lowers himself back into bed to listen

“i don’t...like feeling like i can’t move”

it takes him all of eight seconds to cure your anxiety

“i hold you at night to make you feel safe. It has not been. My darling, what can i do to comfort you?”

i life without this man is no life at all

you fall asleep easily on his outstretched arm that night, his other hand rubbing patterns down your back

“you should always tell me these things y/n, i will help you.”

from then on, on days where his arms are too heavy for you, or his bedding is too hot, kyojuro tucks you in and then falls asleep facing your futon so that the first and last thing he sees everyday is you at peace

sanemi

“what do you mean you don’t want me to hold you? are you fucking defective?”

ah yes

doesn’t he just make your knees weak

“real panty soaker you are nems”

sanemi is behind you and seconds away from reaching an arm across your waist, having finally gathered enough courage to spoon you

this is what people want right?!

to be the little spoon??

he would want that if he were you

you roll away from him two times to make sure you’re facing him and far enough away to see his face clearly

it’s whole fucking ordeal

“i don’t like getting spooned”

“huh?” he grimaces

and makes a dramatic show of stretching his arms out wide in exasperation

“it’s just too restrictive! i don’t like it”

“you don’t seem to care about restriction when i’m fucking folding you in–”

“do not finish that sentence”

“–half!”

first night together going just swimmingly 🤟🏽

sanemi finally has a chance to be gentle with you and you don’t even want it

“how do you normally sleep?” your airy voice snaps him momentarily out of a rage

“however i fucking want”

“then get comfortable”

“what?”

what are you talking about?

“go on then” you repeat, holding back giggles from the other side of the mattress “get comfortable, I have an idea”

he looks to you and then back up at the ceiling and huffs

“c’mon nems jus–”

his arms suddenly shoot straight out next to him and he kicks up his knees under the blanket

⭐️

he’s still staring at the ceiling but now his face is bright red

“o-oh,” you bite back laughter, “is this..is this how you do it normally?”

“shut up”

he’s not embarrassed for long though, as you snake your way beside him

“let me know if you don’t like it”

he’s not sure what he’s expecting– anything? everything?– and he’s really not sure how to breathe when you lay a careful head on his shoulder

you press your chests together and tuck one of your thighs between his legs

adjust your cheek into the hollow of his collarbone

“is this okay sanemi? you lay on your back, i lay on my stomach”

is this okay sanemi

he might love you

“you sleep like a starfish so i’ll just latch on where i can”

“whatever”

he’s thankful you can’t see him fighting to not bury his face in your sweet hair

“oh i get it” your voice and chest rumble with laughter against his body “you just want me to spoon you”

and for the first time all night he’s too distracted to be a bloodthirsty bastard

“you can do that?”

“roll over”

giyuu

three demon hordes, two sleepless nights, and one lost finger

and this is going to be what kills you?

giyuu gulps

you don’t even make a sound

you’re both hovering at the foot of a single futon in the center of the inn room

“i asked for two”

is the only thing he can muster

you shake yourself out of your daze and rest a hand on your sword hilt

“we can do this”

giyuu nods vaguely but doesn’t look at you

you’ve been together for weeks

a hundred years longer than the hashira thought anyone could stand him

but haven’t needed to fall asleep together yet

‘burn that bridge when we cross it,’ you always thought

besides, you and giyuu have never needed a bed

giyuu is the first to lay down after bathing

he stands up politely when you enter the room from your own bath but you can tell he’s exhausted

he’s back down even faster than he stood and visibly fighting the urge to sleep for forty days and nights

you sink to your knees beside the bed

“may i?”

and before you even get the last word out, he’s tossing the blanket back for you

dark eyes

parted lips

hair covering his face in long tumbles

“please”

gods you have such a big crush on this little awkward man

okay

alright

your first full night together might not be so scary after all

he looks like he’ll fall asleep immediately

you might not even have to tell him–

“y/n,” he tugs on you before pulling the blanket up so far it floats down over your heads,

“closer.”

he hates this

he can’t feel your warmth

“tomioka wait– i–”

he moves closer before you can finish your thought

and cups your hands in his

it’s difficult to make out his expression in the dim candlelight filtering through your comforter

but you wish you could have seen exactly how he looked before he brought both of your hands to his lips for a gentle kiss

 in one hand he laces your fingers together and with the other he pulls the bedding back down to a reasonable shoulder-level

“don’t worry y/n, i know you don’t like tight spaces”

you’re laying on your sides facing each other, fingers tangled together

“is it okay if i hold you.. like this?”

you nod, blissfully

sleepily

you really didn’t have to tell him

“i’m sorry about your finger”

…

“what?”

“your finger”

he murmurs into your knuckles still held against his face

eyes closed so gently they flutter

“the one a demon bit off”

right

you exhale softly in laughter, the air blowing over his cheek

“don’t worry, it was my least favorite”

“mine too”

op-

there he is

[bozowrites]

My Brain Just Won’t Shut Up

Imagine

↳ When your brain just won't be quiet and his comfort is all you needed.

Pairing: Kirishima Eijirou × Fem!Reader

TW: Anxiety kinda

Word Count: 1.9k

My mind won't quiet itself. It never stops shouting. I can hear their laughs. Their mocking words and threats.

I shifted in my bed again, trying to find a comfier spot. Maybe it'd quiet the voices in my head. It was almost five in the morning and I couldn't find myself in the blissfulness of sleep. Instead, I lay in bed, wide awake.

"Hey, Loser."

"You're so stupid and weak."

"Why are you still here?"

"No one loves you. Even your mom left you."

My mind won't quit. The events of the past kept popping up. Embarrassing moments, dumb things I'd done, mean things people have said and so on.

I felt tears fall down my cheeks and past the bridge of my nose. I just wanted it to stop. I don't want to remember. I curled myself into a ball, covering my ears as I whispered to myself, "Shut up." Over and over again. Nothing seemed to make it stop.

It was a never-ending battle.

The only pro in this disaster is the fact it was Saturday. I could sleep till three in the afternoon if I pleased. That was if I could fall asleep.

I let out a shaky breath as I sat up and rubbed my eyes free of tears. The room was dark, except for my nightlight in the corner outlet and the dim sunrise light coming through my closed blinds. I let my feet carry me to the door and down the corridor to the elevator.

Perhaps a drink of water would help. Or a snack. Something to occupy me.

As I left the elevator, I cursed at the loud ding. Rather annoying. I heard the clatter of dishes being moved and the small curses accompanied with it. Peering over to the kitchen space, I found a shadow in the low light of the sunrise scavenging through the cupboards.

"Hello?" I questioned. The shadow jumped, knocking over the cup beside them. "L/n?" Kirishima's red hair came to my view. I smiled slightly. "Hey. What are you doing up so early?" I asked, walking over to help with the small mess of water made after the cup fell over.

"Uh, I was a little thirsty. Thought I'd get some water. What about you?" I avoided his gaze and shrugged. "Same here." Though it wasn't the full truth, it wasn't a full lie. I was a little thirsty.

And hungry.

"Ah, okay." I grabbed my own cup of water and an orange and walked over to the table to sit. Kirishima soon joined, sitting right beside me. I smiled over to him and sipped at my water.

"What are your plans for today?" he asked, letting his cup clink against the table. "Uh, nothing much. Do some studying, maybe, What about you?" He smiled wide. "I was hoping to have a movie marathon tonight with the squad."

"Sounds fun. Which series are you guys planning to watch?" I asked as I peeled my orange. "You guys? Are you not coming?" I chuckled. "I thought you said it was the squad. I'm not part of the bakusquad, last I checked. I'm a loner in between everyone else's gangs."

Kirishima let a small whine out. His lips pouted out and his eyes teared up. Fake tears, of course. "I-I thought you were apart of our squad! L/n? Do you not love us?" I laughed. I loved small moments like these. "Of course I do! How could I not love you guys? I just didn't think I was part of it."

"Well, you are. Deal with it." Kirishima pouted his lips out and giggled. "Okay, okay, I surrender. I'm part of the oh-so-amazing bakusquad." Kirishima laughed lightly. "Well I'm gonna head back to bed. See you later, L/n." I waved goodbye as he left to his side of the building.

I sighed. This was nice.

It was already five in the evening. I had gotten in five hours of sleep after my conversation with Kirishima. He let my mind drift to more fun, better moments in my life. I even got an hour-long nap before diner. I had a strange dream during that hour, though.

My father told me a man was crushed to death by an overly large baby. Weird.

Now, I sat in Ashido's dorm room on her bed as we prepared to watch a bunch of our favourite movies. Kirishima sat beside me on the bed sharing a blanket with Bakugou on his other side (It was a miracle he was here). Denki, Ashido and Sero shared a few blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the bed.

"What movie first?" Sero asked. "Doesn't matter to me," Kirishima said. "Mine first!" Denki shouted, going to play his movie on Ashido's computer. "Please don't be anything stupid," I muttered. "Don't worry, Cutie! It's a great action, car chasing type movie. Very funny."

"Cutie? The fuck? Who you talking to?" I snickered. He smirked at me. "Well, of course, the finest woman in this room." I chuckled. "Mina, he's talking to you." She blushed, laughing. "You sure? I think it's you. I mean, have you seen yourself? You're a total hottie!"

I laughed. "She's right, you know," Kirishima whispered. I giggled bashfully. "Well, guess I should say you're pretty hot too," I whispered back, smiling at him.

"Shut the fuck already! Do your flirting elsewhere." Bakugou grumbled. I giggled sheepishly. "Sorry, Sparky. Anyways, on with the movie!"

The third movie came to an end. I was wrapped in a burrito-like blanket barrier. I munched on chips as I watched the credits. "That was good," Sero stated, yawning. "but I'm exhausted. Anyone wanna go to sleep now?"

Bakugou had left after the second movie, so Ashido had joined us on the bed. "I could go for some shut-eye! I need my beauty sleep, you know." She said and leaned into me, sneaking a few chips from my bag. Rude. "Why don't you guys stay the night, just for the hell of it? A slumber party!"

"That's genius," Denki mumbled. I shook my head. "Iida will be all over us when he finds out." Denki groaned. "What's the worst that could happen? There's five of us. What would we do? Have a fivesome?" I snorted.

"Or cause a hell load of trouble and noise, waking up all of Japan and maybe be the reason the world ends." Denki glared. "That's a little excessive." I shrugged. "It could happen."

"Come on! Please! It'll be fun!" I sighed. "Okay, okay. I'm in."

"I'm in too!"

"Me three."

"Me four."

"Yes! Should we get Bakugou?" I huffed. "He'd kill us in his sleep. And I highly doubt he'll want to." I pointed out. "I'll still ask." Kirishima said. "So kind." I muttered. He chuckled.

"He said no." He stated after a few minutes. I laughed. "Called it." Ashido raised from the bed. "Well, if you guys are staying the night, I need to go do my nightly routine first. I'll be right back. L/n, coming with?" I growled. "I'm comfy, though."

She giggled, trying to unwrap me from my burrito blanket. "No! Stop! Mina!" I let out whines as she dragged me from the warmth of the bed and blankets. "It's so cold!"

"You're such a baby."

It was well past three in the morning and the other four had already gone to sleep.  

Denki snored from his spot on the floor with Sero. Ashido was on her bed puffed out in a starlike position. Kirishima was beside me, a bit of drool falling from his mouth. I giggled. The light from the pink lamp illuminating his face nicely.

"So cute," I whispered. I pushed away a stray hair from his closed eyes and sighed. He's so beautiful. "L/n?"

I shrieked in surprise as Kirishima's eyes cracked open. Kirishima shushed me quickly. "You'll wake up the others!" I glanced around and sure enough, the others shifted in their sleep, though none of them showed signs of being awake.

"What are you doing up?" He asked in a whisper, sitting up. "Couldn't sleep." I shrugged. After rubbing his eyes and giving a yawn, he stared me down. "Why are you staring?" I asked, feeling myself become self-conscious.

"Wanna talk about it?" I raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about?" He gave a warm and gentle smile. "L/n, I'm dumb but I'm not stupid. I can see you're clearly bothered by something. You've been tired a lot more these days. I almost started mistaking you for Mr. Aizawa."

I muffled a giggle behind my hand. "I'm not that bad, am I?" The redhead nodded. "You still look cute, though." I blushed. "You really wanna know?" Kirishima's hand rubbed my thigh slowly in a show of comfort. I placed my hand on his and leaned closer to his body. I want his warmth.

He gently grabbed my arm and placed them around his waist. I did the same with my other arm and fell into his chest. His hands rubbed slow circles onto the small of my back now. His body radiated warmth and comfort. I could smell his shampoo from the shower he had yesterday. His breath tickled my neck as he dipped his head into the crook of my neck.

"Take your time." He said against my skin. The contact sending a small shiver down my spine. The things he does to me.

"My brain won't shut up," I said quietly. I eyed the three others in their spots. Denki pulled Sero into his arms and let out a small snore. Those two were only friends, but they had more chemistry than my aunt and uncle.

"What is it saying?" Kirishima asked. I sighed. Maybe it's time to confine to him about my troubles.

"It's shouting about every mistake I've made." Kirishima's hold tightened on my waist and his breath tickled my ear as he whispered, "Everyone makes mistakes, you know. It's okay. You should have told me sooner. I'd stop everything I'm doing to help you."

I let out a small cry. "I'm sorry." My heart was loud in my ears. I've wanted him to hold me close like this for so long, but not in this type of situation. "Don't be." I leaned in more (if that was possible) and tightened my grip on him. It was a miracle none of the others woke up.

My tears stopped and I pushed back from his embrace. "Didn't realize I needed to vent that out." I laughed quietly, relieved. "I'm happy to help. Whenever, wherever." I caressed his cheek. He leaned into my touch and smiled a toothy grin. 

My heart pounded in my chest. His gentle gaze and warm smile was so comforting and beautiful and perfect.

"You're beautiful," I whispered, almost too quiet even for myself to hear.

"Not as beautiful as you."