#I'm thinking to try google tumblr and research papers to HOPEFULLY encounter actual cases of the two together rather than just bullshit

[equalperson]

I decided to reflect on My PD status recently, and it's honestly something to see how much I've changed as well as the things I perhaps missed.

firstly, I'm barely even avoidant anymore. I don't fit either the main or alternative DSM-5 criteria for AvPD (not to say that criteria is everything, OFC), only fitting a preoccupation with criticism in the former and anxiousness, withdrawal, and intimacy avoidance in the latter.

even aside from the DSM, I've noticed this in Myself. I still show signs of being avoidant, but most of them feel "residual," so to speak: I still have social anxiety, I'm still inhibited, and I still have shame spirals under physical stress (hunger, sleepiness), but I generally have pretty decent self-esteem and take criticism easier than before nowadays.

but on the other hand, I've been wondering as of late if I have antisocial or negativistic personality in addition to My narcissism.

I was already wondering if I was negativistic, as I have a major aversion to doing what people want Me to (even beneficial things, like using My inhaler or eating) and often feign forgetfulness to get out of it.

but I especially started considering antisocial personality recently. I've found that I relate a lot to antisocial people, sometimes even more than prosocial narcissists.

for instance, I don't really care to abide by social or moral norms (especially as I've gotten less avoidant) and I don't feel much of any shame for My "disordered," "immoral," or irresponsible actions.

meanwhile, I notice a lot of other narcissists care less than other people, but will still beat themselves up for doing things "wrong," which I just can't relate to. I want to be admired, sure, but not at the expense of My own hedonism. I can have My cake and eat it, too.

by DSM-5 standards, I mostly fit the criteria for ASPD through deceitfulness, irritability, and irresponsibility, although rather than a history of conduct disorder (which I know not all antisocial people actually have), I also fit the criteria for oppositional defiance (though I have contemplated many of the actions used to diagnose CD on countless occasions).

I fit the broader, alternative criteria even closer, fulfilling basically every criterion there.

I arguably fit the definition of "ASPD" better than I do that of "NgPD" (negativistic, not narcissistic), as I don't experience the aimlessness and ambivalence often attributed to the latter. like I said, I know what I want and I do whatever I can to get it, even if I do need to be a bit dishonest in the process.

overall, I definitely want to look into the possibility of being antisocial, but I'm sorta dreading it; not only are the narcissistic and antisocial personalities so similar that it's pretty hard to distinguish the two unless one or the other is incredibly blatant, but they're both so demonized that I just know any searches I do to distinguish them will be filled with sanist pop psychology.

much to think about, for sure.