#I'm talking to the void because its easier than getting a diary

[everywordisanewregret]

Coasting on potential towards a wall at a hundred miles an hour...

I completely feel this line. I don't know when I'll hit it, but I know I will. Maybe I already have but it was close enough to the end of school that I was able to cover it up. I've given myself some breathing room this year, but...

I think I've already hit the wall, but it's flipped the car up and over and it hasn't landed yet. I've felt the first impact but the next one is coming and it's going to be so much worse. The problem is I don't know how to save myself. I will hit the ground.

I was the clever one. Top of the class. The one who was going to be something incredible. The one who wanted to be an astrophysicist. The one who watched documentaries for fun and understood everything without trying. The one who could nail a test without revising. But then suddenly... I wasn't. I started slipping. And it really seemed like nobody noticed. Or nobody cared. I'm not sure which. But how I'd always managed no longer worked. And I couldn't find a new way. I got myself stressed, I started missing deadlines more and more. I stopped caring. I really just gave up and coasted to the end of the year. I told my parents I was revising but really went up to my room and played on my phone and listened to music. I honestly tried, I promise I did. But I just couldn't do anything. I don't know why and it doesn't make sense but I could not make myself do anything apart from show up to lessons. The second the lessons stopped being proper taught lessons, the second the teachers stopped taking any notice of what you did, the second they didn't actually take the homework in, I stopped being able to do any of it. I know it just sounds like I'm a huge lazy piece of shit, and maybe I am, but it honestly felt like there was something in my mind stopping me. I did ok in the exams, but had I not taken some entrance exams to get an unconditional offer for a university place a few months previously (when I'd started feeling like this but before everything was completely impossible), I would not have a place, I don't think. I fell short of all my offers otherwise. And I know this problem is going to continue next year when I actually go to uni. But what I don't get is that nobody seems to believe it. The people around me think I'm intelligent (thanks to autocorrect for suggesting the word "insane"). I don't understand how. It's like they refuse to listen or see the truth. Either they're lying to make me feel better (it does not work, please stop), or they're truly delusional. Except my two friends. They're the only ones who just listen and believe me.

So I think I've hit my wall. But if I've hit it at 18, what am I supposed to do?

Oh yeah, we also found out that I'm probably autistic, so there's that... I mean it explains everything. And honestly I'd be more upset to be told I'm not as I've finally found an explanation for why I am the way I am and if I'm wrong I don't know what to do. If I'm wrong, I'm just broken, just bad at humanity. I've taken the AQ50 and RAADS-R and CAT-Q what feels like a billion times to reassure myself but I still worry. I'm not pursuing a diagnosis because it will take forever and I'm probably not autistic "enough" to access any NHS diagnostic services (I know that's not how it works, you're not less or more autistic, but I don't think I'm having enough problems to be worth the NHS doing anything, there are people who need it way more) and private will be stupidly expensive and I'm scared of a diagnosis having consequences (I'm probably being paranoid but I don't want something that can be used against me unless I really need it).

I'm fine. Most of the time. But then I get myself all worked up like this.

I swear if it wasn't for music I don't think I'd be even close to ok. Especially Fall Out Boy. But a lot of other artists too. When I get really stressed I like to listen to a particular set of songs:

1. "Tell That Mick He's Just Made My List of Things to Do Today" (Fall Out Boy). This one gets the anger and tension out.

2. "Everything is Alright" (Motion City Soundtrack). This one just echoes how I feel a lot of the time. It's a kind of stressful song but it's comforting too and when I'm feeling bad, exactly what I need.

3. "Glowing Eyes" (Twenty One Pilots). I need to rock myself back and forth while listening to this one. The "Make them stop" lines near the end and the bouncy feel are just incredible for relief. I don't really know why, because it also feels like a song that dials up the nerves, but it really helps.

4. "What a Catch, Donnie" (Fall Out Boy). It's such a relaxing song. And the one that is lyrically perfect to calm me down. I love it. I love it so much.

5. "Coast (It's Gonna Get Better)" (Patrick Stump). The other songs break me down to calm me. This one builds me back up again, makes me ready to continue.

I don't know what I'd do without music. I think I would have fallen apart completely last year.

I now can't sit still and I'm not sure if I can human for the rest of the night. Today is going to be one of those nights when I have to sit on the floor or pace for ages because I can't make myself get into bed. And the pillows are new so it feels weird. At least we haven't changed the bedding yet. I hate that, it always gets me really wound up and needing to pace and pace and cry and I know it's unreasonable but it doesn't stop me especially if i didn't know the bedding was going to be changed and the cuddlies are all on the floor. I've got myself worked up. I'm not sure how that happened, I was just trying to say initially that the first verse of Saturday is incredibly relatable...