#I'm tagging this with the magicians since I think everyone who watched that show should go and watch this

[freakadr0id]

OFMD and My Experience With Queerbait and Fandoms

I don’t think I can emphasize just how cathartic Our Flag Means Death is for me and my relationship with queer media and fandom space in general. It has made me grow optimistic for the state of queer television, and reminded me why fandom spaces are so important for the queer community online.

BTW this is a VERY long (seriously it’s too fucking long), kind of trauma dumpy post. If that’s not your jam, just skip over this. I don’t often do this sort of word vomity personal post, but OFMD has been stuck in my brain for a solid week and I have a lot of feelings when it comes to this show. There will be TL;DR at the end, but if you end up reading it, I have a feeling quite a few people will relate to my experience. I’ve bolded the elements that I think are most important in this mess of a thought dump.

Just like so many queer people, I have been burned again and again by shows, books and movies who have hinted at the promise of representation yet continuously end up disappointed. The presence of fanfiction and fandoms were a solace for me for many years, as I explored the subtext and queer themes that many shows have to offer, even if the representation wasn’t really there. However, one show ruined all this for me, and I began to resent most television shows and their fandoms, excluding animation (I’ll get to that in a bit).

Let me take you back in time to late 2018. I’ve just discovered this show called The Magicians (you might have heard about it) and I have fallen hard into the fandom. More so than I’ve ever done before. Not only am I consuming all I can surrounding the show and the books, but it’s also the most active I’ve ever been in a fandom (it was the first fandom Discord I ever joined). I talked to people in the fandom, felt like I was truly a part of the community, and even started setting up a rewatch of the show when it went on hiatus between seasons 4 and 5.

Then The Magicians season 4 came out, and it all came crashing down. They had killed their bisexual main character in the worst way possible, and every bit of queer rep the show had built up was all but destroyed. So many people struggled after that finale, heartbroken and upset at how they handled Quentin’s death. My mental health was in a terrible state at the time, so seeing Quentin, a character I so strongly related to, die the way he did was devastating to me. The fandom was shattered, and this little community I deeply loved became a source of pain to me. I never saw season 5 (I only read synopses) or watched the show ever again. Not even fanfiction could help me through this and I left the fandom entirely. I abandoned the rewatch project I helped set up, and I stopped talking to the people I met through it. Although I think it was best for my mental health at the time, this is something I still regret.

The Magicians was the final straw when it came to queerbait. It left more than a bad taste in my mouth - I lost interest in live action shows almost entirely, since most of my experience with queerbait came from that medium. There have only been two live action shows I’ve really watched since The Magicians: Hannibal and Good Omens, two shows that I knew going in were accepted by the queer community for their representation. The rest have been animated shows, which have been pushing the boundaries of queer rep in television over the last decade.

Fandoms were still a place I dreaded, since so many of them are full of antis, ship discourse, and bad takes (the animation community has some fucking AWFUL takes on shows and the industry). There were a few I continued to follow, but they were for things that have long since ended. Ongoing fandoms are strictly off limits.

I’ve learned an important lesson from The Magicians: most queer ships are never going to happen. I see so many fandoms hype up certain ships, swearing it’s going to be endgame (TJLC style, although not quite to that degree), yet I know most of them will end up only upset and disappointed. Why bother with an ongoing fandom, if I knew that any potential ship in the show wasn’t going to happen.

When I saw OFMD trending on Tumblr two weeks ago and I saw all the excitement surrounding it, I decided to give it a chance, and I loved it. To be fair, the first three episodes were rough for me (I get secondhand embarrassment really easily), but by episode eight, I saw what this show was doing. This was the show I had been waiting for – that we all were waiting for. I still had my doubts when it came to Stede/Ed, even with everything David and the cast were saying, but I finally had hope.

A kiss between Ed and Stede was something I simultaneously knew would happen, but never thought would exist. When we got the kiss in episode 9, I was overwhelmed with excitement, surprise, and most importantly, relief. For once we weren’t being lied to and the subtext became text. This isn’t some final episode conclusion that ensures straight people and homophobes continue watching the show throughout, but a first season promise that more is to come. The feelings we had upon seeing the kiss is something we should have been experiencing this whole time. It has been a long-fought battle to get to this point, and hoo boy does it feel good.

You would think that the excellent queer rep that this show provides would make me more resentful of the shows that failed in doing so, but I’m not. If anything, I’m more at peace with how those shows made me feel. For a long time, I hated what those shows did, since those shows were our chance to see finally ourselves on mainstream tv (let’s face it, Hannibal is a niche show). Time and time again we were denied that chance. Now, we have this show. We finally have a queer show that appeals to a wide range of people, straights included. I can accept my disappointment in shows like The Magicians now that there is better queer content to enjoy. It is just another broken steppingstone on the path it has taken to get here.

I’ve never been in a fandom this early on, and it has been a joy to see it grow. People are celebrating the show and the community surrounding it has been incredibly supportive of each other. I joined a OFMD Discord, the first one since The Magicians, and the people I have talked to on there have been absolutely wonderful. Of course, there has been a bit of discourse in the fandom (I think the kiss was excellent and the awkwardness of it was entirely in line with Ed and Stede’s character arc), but overall, I have seen nothing but amazing, talented people sharing their love for this show in their art and writing. I have people I can enjoy the show with, even if I don’t irl, and I am reminded why I enjoyed fandom spaces to begin with.

Has my faith in television and fandoms been totally restored? No, and it likely never will. We will get queerbaited by other shows in the future, and fandoms will always be a somewhat problematic culture. However, I believe that this show will set an example for queer media, setting a standard for what it can look like in the future and how creator honesty and fan expectations can improve in fandom spaces.

TL;DR: The Magicians ruined everything I loved about live action television and fandoms as a whole. I hated the constant queerbait and toxic fan culture that surrounded many of these shows and removed myself from them as a result. OFMD and its excellent queer rep (and lack of queerbait) has improved my outlook on live action television and fandom cultures, and helped me accept the pain I felt from past shows that failed in executing, or straight up lied about their queer rep.

[spicycreativity]

Intertwined - Chapter 2

Chapter: 2/9

Additional Notes: Read on AO3 under "WizardGlick"

Chapter Content Warnings: N/A, ask to tag

Excerpt: Patton watched, endeared. Seeing Janus laugh was like catching the green flash at sunset, a rare and beautiful sight he never thought he would be lucky enough to see.

Despite last night's promise, Janus was different. Or rather, he was the same: flashing only a token smile at Patton as he draped himself artfully over the kitchen island.

From the moment Janus had set foot in the kitchen, Patton could feel the regression. It was written in the gentle boredom resting atop Janus' features, in the way he made a show of fussing with his capelet. Like he had better things to do, and anything, even the drape of his clothing, was higher priority than Patton.

It hurt, but Patton swallowed it down because it was the only thing he knew how to do, and did his best to make Janus feel welcome.

"Morning!" he said brightly, already reaching for the coffee pot. Despite last night's lack of sleep, he had awoken to his natural rhythm (which was, much to Logan's curiosity, separate from Thomas' own), and immediately set about consuming as much caffeine as he could get his hands on. It had worked its magic, to a certain degree, and Patton found the day much easier to face. "Coffee?"

Janus nodded without making eye contact, glancing instead over his shoulder, then leaning forward to look into the white fog where the hallway turned back into the subconscious. "Don't tell me the others are still sulking?"

That stung. Patton tugged at one of the friendship bracelets encircling his right wrist, reminded himself to be patient. "They're allowed to be upset," he said, polishing his tone to a gleaming, brassy shine.

"What about Virgil?" Janus asked. Patton frowned, remembering how distant he had been, and turned away from the coffee pot to face Janus.

Patton wasn't sure what he'd expected. Janus' face gave nothing away, but... could he be worried about seeing Virgil? Why else would he ask? "Virgil might wander in," Patton said cautiously. "He's a late sleeper."

Janus nodded, studying his nails with a nonchalant expression even though he was wearing gloves. Patton squinted, opened his mouth to speak, remembered something. "Right, coffee." He took a mug down from the cabinet by the refrigerator, choosing a pale blue one with a pink heart on it. They had lots of mugs because that was how a home should be. Extra everything for guests and travelers and family.

"I had forgotten about Virgil," Janus said quietly. "So he's still practically nocturnal?"

"Only sometimes," Patton admitted. Hopefully Virgil wouldn't mind his saying so. It wasn't like Janus was a stranger, after all. "Milk in your coffee?"

"I'll take care of it," Janus said. He was smiling and sitting up when Patton turned to hand him the mug, and although he was no longer draped over the kitchen island, he seemed more relaxed, somehow.

Patton sighed, relief coursing through him at the return of this Janus. His Janus. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Yes," Janus said, and Patton wasn't sure whether to believe him. He was so guarded all the time. He never seemed to give anything up by accident. "I suppose you did as well?"

"Actually, I did," Patton said. He leaned over the kitchen island so he could face Janus, who had put his head down, staring fixedly into the shimmering black of his coffee. The set to his jaw was familiar, the refusal to look up. He looked embarrassed, although Patton couldn't fathom why. He decided to continue talking, to make the space more comfortable. "Yup, I fell asleep pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow. Guess you could say I was frog tired." He winced, grateful that Janus wasn't looking at him, and pressed on. "Anyway! Want me to make you breakfast? I can do happy face pancakes better than Denny's."

"Better than Denny's?" Janus said, finally looking up. All traces of embarrassment were gone from his face; he turned his human side to Patton and gave a crooked smile. "Why, Patton, are you boasting?"

Reflexive shame warmed Patton's cheeks at the call out, but Janus was still smiling. Oh. He was teasing. "Better than Denny's," Patton affirmed. This was new territory, but it felt safe, somehow. Janus was being… Well, nice. Smiling and relaxed, he looked as at-ease as any of the others would. Like he belonged here.

"Who could say no to that?" Janus said. His snake eye lit up when he smiled, Patton noticed suddenly. It wasn't the same as the human side, but then, it was probably hard to get any expression at all out of the left side, what with the scales getting in the way.

Patton smiled, too, and for a moment, all his troubles seemed like distant things. But the respite didn't last and guilt turned in his stomach. He would make enough pancakes for everyone, and deliver them to Roman and Logan if they didn't show up. None of them technically needed to eat, being imaginary; none of them needed to do anything at all. But Patton liked to cook, and the thought of Roman and Logan sitting alone with nothing made his breath hitch. Yes, he would make enough for all of them and then some.

Neither Janus nor Patton made any attempts at conversation while Patton got all his ingredients together. Logan had told him the name for that, some Italian phrase, or maybe it was French. That sounded right. "Hey, Janus?" Patton called over his shoulder, tossing a bag of butterscotch chips onto the counter.

"Yes?"

"Do you know what this is called?" Patton asked, already transitioning to the fridge for the whipped cream.

There was a pause. "...The kitchen?" Janus said.

"No, no." Patton set the whipped cream down on the kitchen island and popped the cap off. "When you get all your stuff together before you cook. I think it's French?"

"Oh," said Janus, his face growing thoughtful. " Omelette du fromage."

"No!" Patton turned away to laugh, one hand still on the whipped cream canister.

"Scout's honor." Janus held up his gloved right hand, facade not cracking for even a moment.

"It starts with an M, I think," Patton said, twisting up his mouth as he tried to remember.

This bubbled over into laughter when Janus said, deadly serious, " Momelette du fromage." That was when he finally lost it, and hid his mouth behind his hand, shoulders shaking with suppressed mirth.

Patton watched, endeared. Seeing Janus laugh was like catching the green flash at sunset, a rare and beautiful sight he never thought he would be lucky enough to see.

His palm began to ache with cold, and he realized he was still holding onto the whipped cream. Remembering his idea, he waited for Janus to surface from behind his hands before brandishing the canister. "Open."

"Shut," said Janus, eying him with obvious doubt.

"Open!" Patton insisted, shaking the can a little.

"Absolutely not!" Janus said. "Here." He finished his coffee in a few swallows and held the empty cup out to Patton. "They do this for dogs at drive-throughs, you know."

"A puppaccino for you," Patton said, filling the mug with whipped cream. He was just about to tilt his head back and spray some into his mouth when Virgil rounded the corner all cloaked in shadows, with his hood up like the Grim Reaper. Patton flinched so hard it almost hurt. "Virgil! Good morning, kiddo!"

"Not with him here," Virgil said, jerking his hooded head at Janus.

The change was nearly instantaneous and it came down in front of Janus like heavy iron bars. He leaned back in his chair, resting one elbow on the back of it so he could toy with what few strands of hair peeked out from under his hat. "Now, Virgil , is that polite?" he asked, affecting shock and offense. His eyes flicked to Patton, but he stopped short of making eye contact and directed his gaze downward instead. "Here I am talking with my friend--" a pause-- "and you come in here and insult me."

“Seriously.” Virgil looked at Patton. “What is he doing here?”

“Sitting,” Janus said before Patton could even think. “Is that allowed?”

"Uh, since you're asking my permission, no. It's not allowed. Get lost."

"Yes, that obviously wasn't a rhetorical question. You're so clever."

Panic welled up in Patton’s throat and he couldn’t control it-- they were just bickering now, but it would spiral and someone’s feelings would get hurt. He didn't even realize he was backing away until he hit the wall behind him. Oh, god, he wouldn’t have to choose, would he? He couldn’t. Just the thought made his breath hitch like croaking in his throat and no no no--

"Virgil," Janus said, a touch too loud. "Truce."

Patton looked at him, panic falling away in the face of his confusion.

"What?" Patton watched Virgil's posture open a little, shifting from defensive to something a bit more neutral, versatile. "What are you trying to pull?"

Janus waved a hand, flashing yellow in Patton's peripheral vision. "Patton can fill you in the gory details as he sees fit. Here's what you need to know: I'm in."

"You're in?" Virgil repeated.

"I'm in," Janus said again. "Quid pro quo." He paused in between each syllable, his gaze intense and never wavering from Virgil. "I gave up my name--"

"You what?"

" Please interrupt me; that will make this go so much smoother." Janus paused, but Patton and Virgil remained silent. "I gave up my name, and in return, was given a voice." He turned his face downward and began to fuss with his right glove, and it took Patton a moment to realize that he was taking it off. For what? Another vow? What else could he possibly have to swear to?

"What are you doing?" Virgil asked, drawing back as Janus stepped away from the kitchen island and approached him.

Janus held up his bare right hand like a magician at a street show, then held it out for Virgil to shake. "Truce, Virgil. You don't like me, I don't care about you, blah blah blah. That doesn't have to change. But for Patton’s sake, for everyone’s sake, we can at least be civil."

Patton watched them in wide-eyed silence. For his sake? Janus was doing this for him?

The silence stretched on.

"Look," Janus said, clearly losing patience. "There's nothing I can do to make you trust me--"

"Uh, you could start by losing the attitude," Virgil sneered. Something clicked in Patton's head, but he had no time to pursue it as Virgil turned toward him with a hard look in his eyes. "Patton."

"Yeah, Virgil?"

"What's his name?"

Patton pressed his back harder against the wall, letting it take more and more of his weight. That was all he wanted, someone to hold him up for a while. But he had nothing, nothing but the turmoil before him and the cold, white wall behind his back and friendship bracelets like circles of fire around his wrists. "It's Janus."

Virgil scoffed, and something akin to a smile flashed on his lips for just a moment. And then, to Patton's surprise, Virgil shook Janus' hand.

“Am I interrupting something?” Logan’s voice came from the doorway sounding as cold as the air around them, though Patton was reasonably sure that was poor Roman’s doing.

“‘Morning, Teach,” Virgil said, withdrawing his hand from Janus’ and shoving it in his pocket. “You’re not interrupting anything. What’s up?”

“Why don’t you sit down?” The words left Patton’s mouth in a frantic yelp, all high-pitched and desperate. He didn’t care. He just needed Logan to be okay; it was his job to make sure Logan was okay.

"No, thank you," Logan said firmly. "I only came to invite you to a meeting." He lifted his head and looked at Janus. " All of you."

"What kind of meeting?" Patton asked.

"A meeting regarding Thomas' functioning from this point forward. I believe we have cause to reassess some matters and re-examine some notions that were previously regarded as truths," Logan said "Please meet me back here at precisely 9:30. That is one hour and 23 minutes from now. I am telling you this now so you have adequate time to prepare and do not keep me waiting." Logan turned to leave.

"Wait!" Patton said, throat aching with the urge to cry. "Don't you want-- I can make toast or, or you can put Crofter's on the pancakes. The batter’s almost done."

“No, thank you,” Logan said, just as firmly as he had turned Patton away last night, before he’d gone to see Janus. And he turned and walked away.

“Jeeze,” Virgil said, his face still half-hidden under his hood. “What happened to him?” So Patton told him what had happened the night before.

And when he was done, Virgil had knocked his hood back, angry tears glimmering in his eyes. He rounded on Janus, practically shouting. “That was completely out of line!" Janus was silent. "It wasn't enough to completely shatter Roman's trust in himself, no , you just couldn't handle the insult to your precious pride , could you? God, you're such a jerk. I should drag you down to Roman's room right now and make you apologize, you-- you snake. "

"Virgil!" Patton interrupted, feeling the shards of his broken heart shatter into smaller pieces. "That's not fair."

"Not fair ?" Virgil repeated. He had gone bright red, both his hands clenched into fists. "What's not fair is that Roman's all alone in his room thinking that Thomas doesn't care about him!" He rounded on Janus again, angry tears still sparkling in the corners of his eyes, "It should be you; I wish it was you. You just fucking break things, don't you? You keep trying to tell us you're not the bad guy, so why is it that everything you touch ends up like this, huh? Why can't you just leave us the fuck alone?"

“Enough, Virgil,” Patton said, shooting an apologetic look at Janus. But Janus seemed unperturbed, standing with his arms crossed and a pitying expression on his face, like Virgil had just made a gaffe at a dinner party.

For some reason, that only made Patton feel worse. He was supposed to be their shepherd, the light to unite them and guide them through troubled times, and all he had done recently was cause fights and make people miserable. He would have to try extra hard at Logan’s meeting. They could all be friends again, for Thomas’ sake. They just had to work together.

--

"Aww," said Patton, desperate to break the chilly silence the only way he knew how. "It's nice to all be together, isn't it?"

He scanned everyone's faces for some trace of happiness, grasping for something, anything. Eye contact, half a smile. Just some hope that he hadn't broken things beyond repair.

Virgil raised an eyebrow at him, which was… Well, it was something. It was more than Logan's sickening lack of expression, it was more than Janus' closed-off scowl. Roman made a noise that Patton recognized at once as a choked sob, and continued to stare into middle distance.

Logan had gathered them into a conference room, evidently of his own invention; Patton had certainly never seen it before. Sitting down felt wrong, since they usually had these conversations standing and facing each other, but there wasn't really anywhere to stand. So they all sat in the high-backed leather chairs, spread out around a massive wooden table so varnished and clean that it reflected the fluorescent lights overhead.

Patton, not Logan, sat at the head of it. He hadn't noticed, at first, until they were all seated and everyone had turned to face him. The ensuing case of nerves made his stomach turn. What did it say about him, that he had taken the seat at the head of the table without even thinking? No one else had gone for it… Had Patton trained them all so well, manipulated them into being obedient for him?

Over to Patton's right, Janus planted his elbow right on the lacquered tabletop and rested his chin on his knuckles. "Alright, let's see Paul Allen's card."

From Patton's left, he heard Virgil snicker and clear his throat, but when Patton turned to look, he had gone back to glaring at Janus.

"American Psycho?" Janus continued, evidently unbothered by the lack of response. "No? Tough crowd."

Patton frantically tried to think of an American Psycho quote to answer back with, but he hadn't been paying attention when Thomas had watched the movie. All the blood made him feel queasy, not to mention the drug use and sex.

He was paying for it now, with no way to support Janus. Not that Janus seemed to mind; he was lounging in the stiff leather chair like it was his own personal throne.

"Let's begin," Logan said. He was sitting straight upright in his own chair, all the way down at the other end of the table. He sat across from Roman, the two of them as far from Patton as they could possibly be. "As you all know, Thomas doesn't know what to do in his immediate future. He is currently lying in bed staring at the wall, a behavior which was previously considered unacceptable. The purpose of this meeting is to determine how we should guide Thomas through this… fraught time."

Logan stopped speaking, and what Patton had thought would be a pause stretched out into an awkward silence. "Uh, don't you have any suggestions, Logan?"

"No."

"Well, um. Shouldn't he get up and make breakfast or something?"

"If you feel that is the best course of action, I will write it down." A legal pad and a pen appeared before Logan and he began to write.

"Roman?" Patton said. "Anything? Maybe he could watch Parks and Rec while he eats? Or, uh, something else. Whatever he wants to watch."

"I don't care," Roman said in a hoarse, ragged voice.

"What?" Patton's heart wrenched, and the sensation was painful enough to make him twitch.

"I don't care," Roman repeated. "Whatever you say."

The scratching of Logan's pen seemed to echo in Patton's ears and he swore he could feel a physical weight on his chest. "Wh-whatever I say?" This wasn’t right; they were supposed to contribute… They were supposed to help...

"Oh," Janus' voice cut through the fog. Patton focused on him, the only light in this storm. "You've got to be kidding me." He laughed, all his features lighting up in a parody of mirth. " That was your takeaway from last night? That Patton should be in charge of everything?" He lifted his head and shifted in his seat, bringing up his hands in tandem like an orchestra conductor. "I'd love to know what factored into that decision. Was it the part where he cracked under the pressure you already put on him? Because that makes perfect sense. What do you do when a bridge is collapsing? Put more weight on it, of course! How very logical!"

"And I'm sure you'd prefer it if we all put you in charge?" Virgil snapped. Patton turned his head to look at him, not wanting to be rude, but Virgil didn't seem to notice. He had somehow found space to draw his knees up to his chest and wrap his arms around them. Only his eyes peeked out from behind his legs, and his gaze never wavered from Janus.

" Yes , Virgil, that's my point! Take all that pressure off Patton and put it on me, that's exactly what I want. Congratulations, you uncovered my evil scheme to work myself into a nervous breakdown. I wonder what video game character I'll turn into."

"Like you haven't been aiming for a total takeover this whole time! Patton's probably your next target."

Janus actually laughed at this, which Patton almost couldn't conceive of. How could Janus laugh when Virgil was throwing such terrible accusations at him? They were both being so-- so ugly . The idea that Virgil might be right-- No. Patton couldn't even consider it. He had made the choice to trust Janus and he had to stick with it, right or wrong.

He slammed his palms onto the tabletop, marring its spotless surface with his touch. "Just stop! Stop arguing!" Great, everyone was looking at him now. "I can't be in charge of Thomas all by myself. Please help me."

Roman planted his forearm on the table and buried his face in it. Logan made a note on his legal pad. Patton had never been a violent soul, but for a moment he was nearly overcome by the sudden urge to grab Logan's rollerball and snap it in half.

"Patton," Virgil murmured.

"Just help me," Patton repeated, staring at the smudges his palms had left on the lacquer.

Janus stretched one arm across the table and stole Logan's legal pad and pen. He tore off the first page and began to write, speaking aloud as he did so. "Breakfast. Cereal, something easy. Parks and Rec. He gets three episodes, then he's getting up to brush his teeth, then going for a walk around the neighborhood. With headphones."

"Without," Virgil said. "In case someone tries to sneak up on him and jump him."

Janus paused in his writing and stared at Virgil. Then his gaze flicked to Patton and, to Patton's surprise, he nodded and went back to writing. He was honoring the truce after all. "No headphones." He pursed his lips, as though physically holding back whatever comment he wanted to make. After a moment's pause, he added, "In fact. He's putting his phone on 'do not disturb.'"

"But what if--" Patton blurted before he could stop himself. He covered his mouth with his hand until he noticed Virgil glaring at Janus. He shook his head at Virgil and dropped his hand. "What if someone needs Thomas?"

"And they think he's ignoring them," Virgil added. "And they get mad and stop trusting him."

"Any point on this list is negotiable," Janus said, and Patton had known him long enough to tell that Janus was only setting up the pins for the sake of knocking them down, "but only if your argument is reasonable. Hypotheticals are not reasonable arguments."

"Told you so," Virgil said to Patton. "He wants total control."

Janus slapped the pen down on the table with an unpleasant crack and pushed the legal pad toward Virgil. "Behold! My nefarious agenda."

Before Virgil could move, before Patton himself could be tempted to look, he flipped the legal pad over and slid it back to Janus without reading a single word. "I believe you."

"Patton--" Virgil protested.

"We can work this out like adults," Patton said.

"Well," Logan said frostily, standing up from his chair. "It appears as though you have matters under control without the need for my further involvement." He sank out before Patton could even start thinking of something to say.

Roman lifted his head, revealing tired eyes. At least he hadn't been crying at the table, Patton supposed. "I'm going to go, too," he said, and sank out without another word. The temperature rose noticeably, but remained uncomfortably cold. Poor Roman. It wasn’t often that he got so upset that he lost control of his imagination.

"You next," Virgil said to Janus. "Me 'n' Pat have got this handled. We can do this on our own." He looked expectantly to Patton, gesturing with his head for Patton to dismiss Janus.

Patton sighed. Why was Janus the only one who didn't seem to want something from him? Janus, who Patton even a day prior had suspected of puppeting them toward some bleak apocalypse, was the only one not trying to get him to do anything. Patton almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it. Everything was wrong.

"I don't think I can do this," Patton murmured, staring at his palm prints. Even after his colossal screw-up last night, they were all looking to him. He had failed, let them all down. He was the one who had manipulated everyone into seeing him as a good person, a leader, a father . And even after watching him fall, they all still trusted him to make it right.

Everyone except Janus.

Patton never could have guessed that the idea of not being trusted would be so comforting.

"You have to!" Virgil said.

"I know."

"Anytime you want to wrap up this little soap opera," Janus said. He was lounging in his chair looking supremely unbothered, spinning Logan's pen across his gloved fingertips. "We need to decide what Thomas should eat for lunch. He just bought a bag of granola--"

"No!" Patton and Virgil shouted in tandem.

"Don't we have to worry about, like, nutrition or whatever?" Virgil continued, smoothing his hair back.

"Logan would know all about that," Patton said, staring at Logan's empty chair. "I wish…" He let the sentence go unfinished. It didn't matter.

" One day of mindless self indulgence isn't going to kill him," Janus said. "See what I did there?"

"Read the room, dude," Virgil said.

Patton let them bicker for no other reason than that he no longer had the mental energy to tune in. They were only arguing, after all, and he was here if they needed him.

He really hoped they didn't need him. That ugly desire dominated his mind, the sudden, selfish urge to be completely unavailable. It was wrong . It was wrong to be selfish, it was wrong to shut down like this when the others were depending on him.

Suddenly the walls felt like they were closing in. He wished Logan had included some windows or something, some decor. Anything other than this sickening seafoam green paint.

"Thomas can put his phone on 'do not disturb,'" Patton announced. He wasn't sure if Virgil and Janus were even still arguing about that, but they were definitely arguing about something.

"What?" said Virgil. "You're seriously taking his side?"

Janus said nothing, but the splotches of yellow and black in Patton's peripheral vision had gone very, very still.

"Virgil, I need you to understand, I'm not taking anyone's side. It's just that… Well, you heard what happened when I tried to guess the right answers."

"But you're--"

"Fallible," Janus interrupted. "As are we all."

"Except you, right?" Virgil said.

"When have I ever said that?" Janus demanded.

"It's obvious! You don't have to say it. Every time you come waltzing into one of our discussions, you just bring it with you."

Patton sighed and sat back in his chair. He couldn't fix it. Everything he said and did was wrong . Everyone was at odds, and it seemed they all wanted Patton on their side.

He stared at the legal pad and thought,  seemingly out of nowhere, of the Judgement of King Solomon. "We'll do it half and half," he said.

"What?" said Janus.

"Virgil decided that Thomas won't listen to music when he goes for a walk. Janus gets to decide whether Thomas puts his phone on 'do not disturb.' Virgil gets the next decision. And so on."

"Fine," Virgil said. "He's going to have salad for lunch."

"And then he's going to take a long shower and sing as loud as he wants without worrying if anyone can hear him."

"Fine, but then he's going to watch true crime videos and start working on a strategy for what he would do if he ever ends up getting interrogated by the police."

"He's watching cat videos afterward to cheer himself up."

Patton sighed, seeing that they had forgotten about the legal pad, and started writing.

The plan they settled on was a lazy one. If Thomas stuck to it, he would ultimately accomplish nothing with his day. But Logan wasn't there and Roman wasn't there, and Patton barely had the will to advocate for himself . He just wasn't strong enough.

He wondered, briefly, if there was some way he could split himself up, and give a little bit of support to Roman, to Logan, to Virgil. They really seemed to need it, and it had to be hurting them that Patton wasn't there. And the rest of him, whatever was left, could seek comfort in Janus and his total lack of expectations. What else was he supposed to do?

"That's a wrap," Janus said, pulling Patton out of his morbid fantasies.

"Good job, you two," Patton said, and the praise sounded hollow even to his own ears. "Great teamwork."

"Don't get used to it," Virgil said.

Janus stood, sending his chair rolling back until it bounced off the wall. "I'll be going, then. Virgil, it was a pleasure ."

"Wait!" Patton yelped, suddenly panicked. "I wanted-- I…" He faltered and looked at Virgil, who was watching them closely. "I want to talk to you."

"I'm not gonna leave you alone with him," Virgil said, and Patton wasn't sure whether Virgil was addressing him or Janus.

"It's okay, Virgil," Patton said.

Virgil shook his head, and Patton's heart dropped when he noticed that Virgil was shaking a little, his breaths coming shallow (but thankfully, even). "It's not okay. He's dangerous, and I… I couldn't protect Roman. I couldn't protect Logan. I can't let him get you, too."

Patton thanked all the stars in the sky that Janus had the good sense to keep his mouth shut and not wind Virgil up when he was clearly upset. "It's okay, kiddo. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. And… I know you don't trust Janus, but I need you to trust me. Can you do that?"

"I-- I guess so." Virgil bit his lip, looking like he wanted to say something else. He dropped his voice to a murmur, so much that Patton had to lean in to be able to hear him. "I just want to help. I spent so long causing problems; I just want--" he sighed "--to be good."

"You are good, kiddo," Patton said, reaching out slowly. Virgil didn't flinch or shake his head, so Patton put his hand on Virgil's knee and gave it a gentle squeeze. "But if you really want to help out, maybe you can go try to cheer up Roman? I haven't had much luck with him, but he might listen to you."

Virgil nodded. "Are you sure you're going to be okay? I'm never gonna forgive myself if Janus hurts you."

"Ah, your ol' pop star will be just fine," Patton said. "Better than fine! I'll be gay-OK."

Virgil didn't smile, exactly, but the corners of his eyes crinkled a little and that was good enough for Patton. "Alright. I trust you." With one final dirty look over Patton's shoulder, he stood and sank out.

Patton turned around slowly, suddenly nervous. Part of him knew it didn't make sense. Logan had created this space; he and Janus were on neutral ground here.

"Parley?" Janus asked from the far end of the table. He had summoned up a chessboard and was evidently playing a game against himself.

"If we're gonna parley, should we do it in a par- lor ?" Patton joked, chuckling weakly.

Janus' smile was crooked and Patton couldn't tell if it was sincere. "You're absolutely right." He vanished the chessboard with a wave of his hand and stood up. "Follow me."

[acescreations]

Moody Manipulations - Patton

[Part 2 to the Connected Youtuber Ego Universe(CYEU) stories I'm doing on Amino.]

Characters: Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Roman Sanders, Thomas Sanders, Elliott (Cartoon Therapy), Kai (Cartoon Therapy), Lauren (Cartoon Therapy), Missy Sanders [background character], Pranks Sanders [refrenced], Mitchell (Cartoon Therapy) [mentioned]

Warnings: Patton has a really bad day, cries, and hides his emotions, Patton also has a retail job I feel like I should mention that, Mitchell is implied to be a little b*tch, Patton gets verbally abused

Word Count: 1798

It really didn't take me long to figure out what my emotions do. Whenever I was happy, things went right in the world, and when I was sad things went wrong. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but the correlation was too obvious to be chance. After that, I always did my best to stay in a good mood. I'd do things I enjoy, and avoid people and things that upset me.

I have to admit, staying happy became a lot harder. It almost seemed like a job at this point, since it was my responsibility to be happy. I still tried my hardest despite this, and when I was happy, hearing about all the good things happening in the world put me in an even better mood. Though that did go both ways, and hearing about bad things happening made me more upset, so I eventually decided to not look at the news when I was already uspet.

This was all a pretty good strategy for keeping my mood up, but one day everything went wrong, and I had no idea how to stay happy then.

I was heading down to my job at the local retail store and I bumped into someone on the street. "Whoops! Sorry about that." They said nothing, and just kept walking. I was surprised I didn't see them sooner. They had a head full of messy green hair along with bright blue eyes. I didn't really think much of it, after all, it was a busy street, people run into each other all the time. Once I got to my job, I saw my best friend getting his stuff. It looked like he was leaving, but we were supposed to be on the same shift today. I walked up to him as he was putting his hat on. "What's going on Chase? Are you leaving?" He turned to me with a sigh. "Yeah, I just got fired. I have no idea how I'm gonna pay for my date with Stacy now."

"Oh, geez." I was pretty disappointed myself. I always looked forward to the days when we worked together. "Well, good luck on finding a new job, I guess." Chase nodded as he walked past me. "Yeah, I guess."

I sighed as he left. This job was going to get a lot harder without him here. But, I still had my job to do, so I put on my name tag and I clocked in.

After a while of uneventful work, a woman came in and slammed a box of party supplies onto the counter. "I need to return these," she demanded.

"Okay ma'am," I said, a little nervous, "do you have the receipt?"

"No, but I don't need this anymore. I never needed it, so give me a refund on it!"

"I'm sorry, but can't return anything without proof of purchase." I had never had one of these conversations before, and this lady was really intimidating.

"I'm not keeping stuff my husband bought as a prank! Of course you teenagers don't care about how much money all this costs, you probably get handed money just so you can spend it all on stupid parties, don't you?"

Of course, I didn't actually do any of that, but she didn't know that, and I wasn't allowed to tell her that. "I want to help you, but I can't give you a refund on anything without a receipt."

The woman let out a frustrated growl. "I don't have time for this." She stormed out of the store, leaving the box on the counter. I allowed myself a sad sigh as I picked up the box and moved it off the counter, putting on a brand new smile as the next person in the line brought up their stuff. "Good afternoon, did you find everything you were looking for?"

~ ~ ~

By the end of my shift, I was exhausted. I wanted to call someone for a ride home, but my phone had died, so I had to walk. To make matters worse, I saw a cat that had been hit by a car on the side of the road. By that point, I was barely holding back tears, although I kept telling myself to stay cheerful, which only made it harder. I decided that I'd have a few cookies to cheer myself up when I got home.

I walked through the door, and saw Logan and Thomas sitting on the couch, watching the news. Obviously, it was all bad news. Logan turned off the TV as they both turned to me. "Bad day?" I must have looked pretty upset, because I never told Thomas about what my emotions do, but something must have prompted him to ask that. I just shrugged. I didn't want to talk about it, because I felt like I'd break down in tears if I did. I walked past them wordlessly and went into my room to change out of my work clothes. When I walked back out, I was determined to improve my mood, so I put on a smile and went to get that cookie, but I opened the cookie jar to find that it was empty. "When did we finish the cookies?" I asked to anyone who was listening. Thomas spoke up from the living room. "I'm pretty sure Lauren finished them with Roman and Virgil." I wanted to be upset about this, but I was determined to stay positive.

It's okay Patton, you can just make some more. That should be fun, that should make you happy.

I began taking out ingredients, but it turned out we were out of a flour, sugar, and eggs. That was definitely a disappointment. I told myself I'd be able to get through it anyway.

After that, though, was when I completely lost composure. Elliott walked out of their room, their shoulders hanging as they sat down next to Thomas on the couch. Logan looked up from where he was reading on the other end of the couch. "Mitchell left another message today." I overheard them saying. My heart broke in sympathy for my parent, and I quickly walked out of the kitchen and into my room, barely even trying to hold back tears anymore.

As soon as I was alone in my room, I collapsed to the floor, letting out all the sobbing my day had been leading up to. I don't know how loud I was being, but after wiping tears from my eyes, I looked up and I was surrounded by my family, all with faces of varying levels of concern and sympathy. Once my crying slowed, Virgil, eho was sitting in front of me, said "Hey, what's wrong?" I lowered my head onto my knees. "Bad day," I muttered, overcome with guilt for how many people I must have gotten hurt today. "Patton," I heard Logan say at my right, "you can't keep getting upset at yourself for being upset." I shook my head. "No, you don't understand," I said.

"I'm pretty sure I do, and Patton," Logan continued, "you're going to have your ups and downs, and it'll be less... disastrous if you just let the bad days be just a little bad. The world can take a little bit of misfortune, believe me."

I looked up at him, confused. "Are you saying you-"

"Yes Patton, and for your information I regularly keep up on the news so I can tell how your feeling. And yes," Logan continued, "everyone else knows too."

"Oh." I looked around at everyone, unsure of how I never found out.

"So why don't you just tell us what's going on today?" Virgil asked, scooting over to sit next to me. I shrugged, not really sure when exactly my day started going terribly. "Well on the way to work I bumped into this guy, which I really didn't mind that much, but after that I found out my friend got fired," I then just started stating everything that happened that day. I didn't mean to, really, I just started talking and then I couldn't stop myself. Once I was finished, Roman gave me a thoughtful look. "What did the guy on the street look like?" I blinked at him, confused as to why he was questioning that. "Well, he had blue eyes, and really messy green hair."

"What was he wearing?"

"I dunno, this big wavy coat?"

"Roman," Logan sighed, "what does this have to do with anything?" Roman didn't answer, despite everyone beong equally confused. He just stood up, muttered something about "Marvin" and walked out. "I have a hunch about something, I'll be back, hopefully with good news." Thomas sighed and shook his head after Roman left the house. "That boy, honestly. Anyway, how about me and Elliott go get those ingredients you were needing? You can just stay here and relax."

"No!" I said, a little too frantically. "I-it's just," I mumbled, "you could get hurt."

"It's fine," Logan said. "Camden's got an eye on the TV, and things are improving. They should be able to get there and back safely." Camden was the name Logan gave his familiar. I slowly nodded, and Virgil stood up and grabbed my hand. "All right, now you come here and watch some TV." I stood up and followed him as he led me to the couch, Logan, Kai, and Lauren following behind while Thomas and Elliott got ready to go to the store. Me and Virgil sat next to each other on the couch, Logan sitting a small distance away while Kai and Lauren sat near us.

After a while of watching Steven Universe, Roman burst back through the door. "Patton, you will have to worry about this misfortune no longer!"

"O-okay. Um, what did you do?" I asked.

"Well that person you bumped into, I'm actually acquainted to him. He calls himself Marvin the Magnificent. He claims to be a magician, but for as long as I knew him he couldn't do any actual magic. Turns out he got magic powers through a deal with a demon or something, and he had to agree to curse you with misfortune." He sat down on my other side, so now I had one sibling at both of my sides. "I talked him into releasing the curse," he said, probably more casually than what the situation would call for.

"Okay, thanks then," I said, despite Roman already being immersed in the show. We continued watching until Thomas and Elliott returned with the baking supplies, then Virgil, Thomas, and Lauren joined me in baking cookies. Once I tasted one of the cookies from out of the oven, I figured that the day wouldn't be as bad as it had been.