#I'm sure this is full of typoes sorry folks

[batbirdies]

ADHD and being your own zookeeper

So, I was diagnosed with mixed ADHD in my late 20′s. It’s been a couple years since then and I was recently lamenting to a close friend about the difficult process of working out alternative methods of doing things once you’ve (finally) realized the standard ways don’t work.

With that in mind I thought I would just volunteer some advice I have gathered over the last couple years of attempting to be my own zookeeper.

This will mainly be with an ADHD focus since that’s me but hopefully it will be helpful to lots of ND people.

to start, you’ve probably heard of inviting people over to force yourself to clean. This is.... a method. And it works! until it doesn’t (ie burnout). Basically this is a way to trigger a stress response in yourself that forces motivation. You can do this. I have done this. But I would say this is an absolute last resort and not something you should ever be doing on a regular basis. It is not the healthy way to go about this. So here are my tips on hopefully maintaining your life without needing to resort to this stressful method.

(also I know this is long ADHD peeps, I’m sorry I’m just longwinded it can’t be helped.)

So, to get started

1. Time yourself. 

Sometimes a whole task is overwhelming to think about and starting it feels impossible because the idea of finishing it feels impossible. So what I often do instead is just choose a specificed amount of time (a SHORT amount). I usually do 15 minutes, but you can do whatever you choose, and tell myself I will spend that amount of time on a task (usually cleaning but can be anything). This feels much more managable to me, it’s a definite length of time and I know I am capable of 15 minutes (or whatever amount of time you can manage) of sustained activity. 

also DO NOT keep going after the time is up. Stop. Because if you keep going your brain will then remember this and know that 15 minutes isn’t actually just 15 minutes and then you’re back to the initial problem of being overwhelmed. Pick a time and stick to that time. 

2. Do things the easy way.

When I say this what I mean is “do things the way that sounds easiest to YOU”. Sometimes that is actually, objectively, the harder way to do something. It’s less efficient, takes longer etc, but it feels more doable for whatever reason. Just do it the way you are capable of doing it. 

As an example I needed to clean the litter box really bad but I just kept putting off and then feeling guilty and also gross and instead of just cleaning it I dumped the whole thing and started fresh because it felt like less work. Alternatively on other days I have been planning to dump the whole thing and start fresh but THAT sounds like heavy lifting and being outside but I can manage to just scoop the box like normal. So I do that instead. 

3. Do things part way

This is more something to learn to be ok with rather than a method in and of itself. But along with the first suggestion, 15 minutes sometimes isn’t long enough to complete a task. And sometimes you don’t have another 15 minutes later in the day to finish it etc. But doing part of a task is SO MUCH better than doing none of it. I have started using the mantra “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing what you can.” 

4. Make a list

This is a suggestion I see on tons of (bad, unhelpful) articles online about ADHD and accomplishing tasks. I find that it can be sometimes helpful and sometimes not, depending on what it is I need to get done. For my actual office job, it can be really helpful because I sometimes get frozen because there’s too many things to do and I can’t seem to just pick a place to start. Making a list in this case helps me to just start moving in a specific direction and keep going. This can also be the case with cleaning if you just don’t know where to begin. But do not feel like you have to do this either, because sometimes a list just feels like pressure to accomplish things and that’s not helpful at all.

An alternativey way I have found to make lists in relation to #1 is to make a list of things I will spend X amount of time doing, because as someone whose brain flits between tasks rapidly when I’m not in hyperfocus mode it’s sometimes easier to keep swapping back and forth, however if you do it TOO quickly you don’t accomplish anything. So I try to time things. Ten minutes here, ten minutes there, etc. or whatever amount of time you choose. 

5. Do things the minute they occur to you if at all possible

I’m sure I don’t even need to say this and people will know immediately why, but just literally. You won’t remember. Do not tell yourself you’ll do it later when it’s more convenient you are GOING To forget until you are laying in bed trying to sleep and then go “oh shit I didn’t do the thing”. And for the record it is totally ok to get up and out of bed and go do the thing if it feels managable and won’t keep you up all night. If it will, put an alarm in your phone to remind you the next day at a convenient time. 

6. Get a body double

This is something I’ve always sort of known about but didn’t understand until recently, and it’s actually a thing you can even look up articles about it now. Basically for some unknown reason it will feel easier to stay on task if there is another person with you. I have invited my sister over to hang out with me while I clean my apartment before. The difficult aspect of having someone in person, especially if its for cleaning, is that you have to be ok with them seeing the dirty version. However I have also found this can work almost equally as well over the phone! So totally get on the phone with a friend while you task!

I do advise that you tell whoever you are asking for help this way that that’s what you’re doing. at least for me, depending on the task, if can take up enough attention that it’s hard to maintain conversation. But if they person knows that they can either carry the convo or be chill with silence while they also continue their things on the other end. 

7. use a crock pot

This is obviously cooking specific, but I recently bought myself a slow cooker and it’s been a game changer for making myself cook. For whatever reason it is so much easier to make myself get meals going midday than it is in the evenings. And I’m also much more likely to clean up the mess when I can do it before the food is ready. There are ALSO CROCKPOT BAGS YOU CAN BUY!! SO YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO WASH THE CROCKPOT BETWEEN USES, JUST THE LID! But if the bag leaks or something you can wash the pot part in the disahwasher (and the lid)

8. buy frozen meals

tbh frozen meals are way too small they do not equal an actual meal in my mind, however when you are full on into hyperfocused mode and the idea of stopping to eat is laughable, these will be your rescue. Pop it in the microwave and go back to your thing, eat it while you continue your thing. It’s at least a more healthy and well rounded snack than potato chips, or alternatively, not eating.

9. Make your next appointment before you leave

If you’re anything like me, sometimes making that phone call and scheduling something is like some incomprehensibly unmanagable task even though it will literally take 1 minute. (But then if you have phone anxiety then that complication is thrown in.)

So when possible, after a dentist or doctor appt, make your next one before you leave. Most dentists want you on a 6 month rotation, doctors on a yearly one (chiro monthly etc). I know that is like a crazy long time away to think about having something on your schedule but they’ll call you a day or two before the appt to remind you and if you MUST you can reschedule, but that will at least force you into making the phone call if you end up being unable to keep the appt. (however be aware of cancellation fees etc. this is ALWAYS a good idea because of such things) 

Also ask if you can schedule online, a lot of places have that ability now!!

10. Try new methods and be flexible

As I’m sure is the case for a lot of peope with ADHD, things that work really well one day will not be an ounce of help the next. This can be particularly frustrating because you will think you have found the holy grail method. FINALLY, SOMETHING THAT WORKS!!! I WILL BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH MY WHOLE LIF-- WTF this doesn’t help anymore. 

I have found that when something is a NEW strategy, it helps a lot! and then after a week or two it loses effectiveness. This is fine though, because if you have enough methods you can cycle through them and they are like new again!! It’s like hiding a toy from your cat after it gets bored and then giving it to them again in a month and oh wow! new toy!!

This is where I’m at currently and all of the helpful things I could come up with. I may add things as they occur to me<3

[signalnext]

It's the wee hours of the morning and I can't stop thinking about TPOTD and Thirteen/Yaz

(long post - many spoilers) Here's a bunch of thoughts (about 2k words) from the perspective of someone who loves Yaz and Thirteen. Fair warning in advance that my love for Doctor Who is about characters, and it's them as Thirteen and Yaz especially in Flux and later that I loved most. If I don't post this now I might not ever. Sorry for any typos or grammar etc.

There were many parts of TPOTD I really loved. Overall I loved that it was such a prominent episode for Yaz, and that so many of the hints we got to her character development were not forgotten, especially her co-pilot status and her becoming solo pilot in this episode.

(Gosh, what I would have given for Thirteen to say "Co-pilot?" and hear Yaz's reply one more time for their last journey. Why didn't that happen??)

It's clear that this was an emotional scene already and Jodie Whittaker and Mandip Gill did a stunning job - I had no doubts about that. They've always been terrific with the writing they had. I am really going to miss them.

Story-wise, I don't fully agree with the canonical ending with Yaz and the Doctor in TPOTD, but I can see how the characters might have gotten there, and for Yaz to keep repressing herself, for the sake of The Doctor. For the Doctor not actually saying the words but saying them in a roundabout way. But dang it, I did not like it. This was a chance to stick that landing, just like Dan did. This was not a 9.9.

In the scope of the storyline between Yaz and The Doctor, I wished two major areas had been different. I'll mention them briefly first and then get into more thoughts about them.

(I'm 100% sure I'm not the first person to touch on these topics, but I wrote this all immediately after watching. So I hope this comes across as a "yeah, I feel the same way!" nod to you if you do feel the same on some of these things.)

I kept waiting for a conversation that didn't happen. The ending did not follow through with the messages that were brought up repeatedly through their earlier scenes and through their entire run. Being brave enough to be honest and vulnerable with the people you love, and that love is worth it. The writing really dropped the ball on this. Even in this final episode, you have Graham semi-joking-but-not-really to Yaz about whether the Doctor's still not telling her anything (seriously? still?), and there was no satisfactory resolution to that. The Doctor never really let Yaz in, like she said she wanted to. What is the message we're supposed to take away? The Doctor is just flawed, people want to change but sometimes they can't, so deal with it? Even if this is so, then it's a strange way to lead up to it.

I felt there's a kind of absence of acknowledgement, of how significant an earned, happy ending would have been for queer representation -- especially for a queer Muslim woman of color in Yaz. I don't mean that I expected Yaz and the Doctor to live happily ever after. I acknowledge and am SO GLAD that Yaz lives and gets back safely! And that the last scene that Thirteen had was with Yaz together! But their ending -- whether intended or not -- was one of repression, from a queer Muslim Asian woman of color. Yaz had to repress the full extent of her feelings, again, and that was sad to watch for her after everything she went through. This ties in with the first thing above, but in the context of representation, here we have another queer person of color who, ok, gets to live and return to Earth in her own time and have a support group (and I admit the support group was lovely but…honestly it felt almost like they had more dialogue than the Doctor and Yaz's last scene (?), and that didn't sit right with me. It just refocused on how their last scene together was too short (and how Thirteen's solo last scene was too short)).

The more groundbreaking choice -- and the one I (and I suspect some other folks aside from me) expected to happen based on her prior story arc -- would have been to have Yaz be brave one more time, and say what her heart feels, in this final moment they have. I had been waiting for her to be able to say those words, and she never got a chance. Even the actual dialogue in EOTD, Dan said "just tell her"!

Where was that moment for Yaz? To finally find the courage to say her piece? She knows their time is ending. Why choose to have her repress herself again? Yaz has been so brave through the entire episode, so for it to end like this… Perhaps the argument is that Yaz is being brave by tamping down her feelings, but again, in the scope of the narrative that's been put forward in canon, that is not the ending that makes sense to me here.

What would have made more sense to narratively continue from the amazingly vulnerable scenes in LOTSD was for Yaz, after showing how brave she really is -- how determined and relentless she is in her actions -- to be emotionally brave, too. She knew these would be the last moments with The Doctor. And Yaz, just like the Doctor, has a hard time with being vulnerable. Yet we saw them being brave before - we got to see them being sincere and opening up - at least on the Doctor's side, and a little on Yaz's side -- in LOTSD especially, literally the prior episode. So this would have been the perfect narrative chance for Yaz to open up, too. To be brave, and say aloud what she has always felt.

(more after the cut)

In their big reunion in Flux, they have a literal scene-stopping, crushing hug. And Thirteen says "I missed you" and Yaz says "Missed you too." That is their way of saying "I love you" and "I love you, too."

It would have been so easy after Thirteen says "I have loved being with you, Yaz" for Yaz to just say "I love you, too."

Not reusing Thirteen's phrase and saying "I have loved being with you, too" because that would be the safer option (which, btw, she still doesn't get a chance to say??? Not even that???).

But Yaz saying "I love you, too" would be her way of acknowledging to Thirteen that she understands what Thirteen is saying between the lines, but she's not going to be cagey about it. She's going to say it, finally, out loud, what she feels. Because she knows she's gonna live and it's not the past tense for her.

How amazing would that have been? Yaz was already standing up for herself - to call out Thirteen in earlier episodes, and in this one to tell her to stop and make time and explain the Daleks. So for Yaz to finally get to utter those words aloud to the person she loves...! Even if Thirteen just listened to her and those words, looked her in the eye, and smiled.

And kiss or no kiss, it is so bizarre to me that Chibnall wouldn't even let them have a hug. Yaz could have asked for a hug. The Doctor could have given her one. Even Ryan asked about a hug in Revolution of the Daleks and the Doctor immediately gave him one, and then gathered them all for the group hug.

Why the heck for the repression for the characters here. Is the argument that the characters knew they'd start sobbing and lose control, so and they didn't want to so they held back? I can understand that argument but gosh it didn't work for me for the reasons above.

The writing could have had them in a hug, and saying those words, AND holding back the tears.

And yes, Yaz could have said "I'm not leaving you" but I won't get into that now.

Yaz still could have said "Let's not say goodbye." They could still have kept that line after, and Yaz being dropped off, and walking away, and nodding. For me, it would been so much more attuned with the story arc to have them get their moment of vulnerability and openness, and THEN have to pull back and part without saying goodbye in public.

Why do I think it was a dropped ball? Because in the larger context of Yaz, having her feelings acknowledged by The Doctor and the Doctor reciprocating her feelings but being afraid of acting on them romantically -- because in the larger context of Yaz being a queer, female, South Asian Muslim, who has repressed her feelings for so long, for her not to get to even tell the Doctor a simple "I love you, too" is...not just a missed opportunity, but -- narratively, it diverges from all the groundwork laid already, and continues the representation of repression.

Their last scene could have been far, far more monumental. It could have given Yaz that much, and shown this queer WOC on screen driving through her fear one more time and saying those words because this was her last chance. It could have given Thirteen, the Doctor so afraid of her feelings, the chance to be brave for Yaz, and to tell her "I love you." The Doctor, who wears rainbows on her shirt and coat. We got so far in the story, and then...this.

I give all the love to Jodie Whittaker and Mandip Gill, but gosh as far as the writing for their characters here at the end…

Where is the emotional bravery for Yaz and the Doctor that should be the bookend to all the steps we've seen them take?

Where is the message to be kind, and to choose love? Did that not even get remembered from the last regeneration?

Is it because Dan, who tried to keep them in line and have them be honest with each other, conveniently wasn't there to make them talk it out (joking… but am I?).

I think it's frustrating for me more than I thought it would be, because they DID get that scene together at the end, alone. That literally EVERYBODY ELSE on the TARDIS was conveniently GONE (and that Yaz herself made that happen!) so that they could have their few minutes together before the regeneration, plot-wise, and so the significance of their relationship was recognized for sure logistics-wise, but seriously, just a few more words that Yaz and the Doctor could have had a chance to say. One hug. That's all it would have taken for me at least, to feel a little better about their ending. For Yaz to be brave ultimately in that last moment and let herself be vulnerable.

But she didn't get that. Why?

We have learned from the writing that bravery is letting yourself be sincere, to be honest, to be open, to letting someone in. And for some reason, Thirteen doesn't ever let Yaz in like she promised her at the end of Flux, and Yaz never completely gets to say what she feels. Why? Is it for dramatic angst? Why? They've already had their dramatic angst. Thirteen is going to regenerate. Why continue the angst all the way to the end? It's disappointing to me because that should have been their last hurdle to get over. To be able to be free about her feelings, one last time. And it doesn't happen. It feels like someone took a red pen and edited out a bunch of stuff that was supposed to be there, after all of the telegraphing from prior episodes.

After those parallels with Vinder and Bel's love story (and seriously Vinder coming back, that was a lost op too), and especially that direct parallel with Nick and Sarah…?

Gosh there were some great moments here though, such as Yaz carrying the Doctor. Seriously… but in the context of their entire storyline together, this is another seed planted and very deliberate. It was Yaz who carried her. She didn't even ask for help, it was her. It's an iconic, dramatic visual, that is associated with so many romantic storylines. We already know they've been slow burning this, and they show us Yaz carrying the Doctor?? and after this; after their hands against the glass; those moments earlier; THAT's the final conversation we get?

The emotional parts to the episode -- returning to the heart(s) of the emotional backbone of the entire Flux series and after, with Yaz and the Doctor -- it was not up to the same level as prior episodes. And for their last episode together, that is unfortunate.

Nothing is perfect, of course, but it's just unfortunate because it could have been so, monumentally significant even more so than it was, and could have been so much more gratifying in terms of queer representation, especially for POC.

I'm so, so thankful that we did get what we get. Thirteen's speech at the end also resonates for me personally and also resonates for her storyline with Yaz. It was so special -- the scenes that we did with them. All those wonderful moments of Yaz/Thirteen. The adaptive hologram (oh I almost forgot…I have so many thoughts on the emergency AI, and while I appreciated it, it felt so off from the adaptive hologram ball -- Tegan and Ace got their sincere conversations -- where was the sincere conversation with Yaz? Why was there no comforting message for Yaz?).

That beautiful scene on the ocean floor surface. The beautiful and still heartbreaking scene on the beach. Tbh it's still in some respect hard for me to believe they actually happened and are canonical. But because of the strength of those scenes, I was hoping for something similar in the last stretch. And gosh this is why I absolutely appreciate fandom writers who will take their own disappointment and channel it into something healing. They wield a magic power of their own.

I'm so, so proud of Yaz. This post is more about Yaz/Thirteen, but I loved Yaz from the beginning and early on wished she could get so more to do, so I'm really glad that she got to feature so prominently in this episode, and very, very relieved and happy that she gets to live and so do Graham and Ryan (off-screen) and Dan.

Sure I wish I would have seen her family, and her talk to her mother about the Doctor. But I grew up during a time when there was hardly any queer rep on tv, and rarely positive rep, let alone for queer people of color. I have to remember also that never did I imagine we'd ever get to see this kind of story on Doctor Who. There's progress, but then there's not-progress. It's how most things go I suppose. I'll take the progress, with the reservation that there was room for improvement.

Gosh I miss them already. If I had two hearts about this, I'd be happy in one, and sad in the other.

[smokeys-house]

Sorry for your loss, Smokey. It is always hard to lose someone close

thanks I appreciate that. yeah it's been real hard. I don't wanna talk alot about it here bc my blog is sposed to be a place for folks (including me) to escape to. I don't even usually like to talk about or reblog world events or anything on here.

I'm gonna say a few things about the situation under a cut, but I'll warn you it's really sad. Death tw I guess. It's also very personal but I need an outlet.

I'm serious when I warn that this is going to be a hard thing to read, and you don't have to read this. In fact I recommend you don't. I'll try to be succinct.

So basically my mom died. She wasn't super old, and she was mostly healthy in regards to that kind of thing. She had a lot of medical issues but none that would have taken her out this suddenly. I'm not strong enough to talk about what things may have happened, we don't really know yet either way until after they look at her a little longer.

I lost my dad when I was 8, and my extended family is mostly estranged. My support network is very thin, but for the most part I think we've got it handled for now. I don't want to get too personal, so I'm being a little vague. It's kinda just. Me and my siblings right now.

My mom's dogs are also very distressed, one of them is having seizure issues because getting him his medication on time is challenging since my mom handled that. Her other dog had troubles eating so she used to hand feed her, but now that she's not around to do it she won't eat. She's a bit older, so we're worried about her.

I'm also fairly young. I won't say how old I am but I'm in my 20s so I'm not really prepared for any of this. We have a lot of issues to sort out like phone plans, bills, her house, her car, and all her like. Special retirement and life plan stuff and what not. Dying costs a lot surprisingly, and the funeral costs alone are over $10,000 USD. That's not a typo nor a joke. Everything's been so impersonal and hard. Going through catalogues and discussing plans with the funeral home they talk about it like it's buying a used car.

Of course aside from the logistics side of things, like the bills and figuring out how to get the money together and how to be a fully sustainable and "got-my-shit-together" adult right out the gates, I'm also going through another death in the family. I've got very few people left. There are many things I wish I would've said or done or asked. I had a near complete breakdown, I'd go into details on things but honestly it's just. Really really sad even for someone else to just read. Even now I'm either barely functional or I'm in full repression mode. The dogs keep looking for her, it's incredibly heartbreaking. I keep "forgetting" what's happened and why I feel so weird and why certain people are here or why I can't do certain things.

When I lost my dad, I lost my ability to tell time and dates. That's also not a joke. The grief effected my entire life until this point. I'm intellectually and emotionally stunted for a number of reasons, that included. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from how things happened with my dad. I'm not a well adjusted adult. I've had so many setbacks and issues that I'm basically in my third childhood now. I'm worried as to what will happen to me mentally following this. I've never been very stable. I've got a lot of issues.

Baseline, I'm not well right now. Things are going to be very hard in the coming days. Idk what's going to happen with everything. Financially, I don't make much and my siblings don't make much either. We don't have a lot of time to come up with the money and there are a lot of other considerations to make. Emotionally is one thing, but I don't even know if I'm going to have a home or internet. I think I will. But it's hard to think about just now. I'm not sure if I'll be posting donation links bc it's a lot of personal IRL information but if I run out of options I'll post about it I'm sure.

It's taking a lot just to keep things kinda ordinary typing on here. In truth I want to say a lot. I want to say a great many things. There's nobody for me to say them to. There's so much. There's so much

[drtanner]

Man I know you said "in the tags" but I have Big Opinions on this and the tags don't afford me enough room for them (and also it's hard to fix typos in there and I hate that). Full disclosure: I'm not ace (I did think I was for a while but after reflecting on it and thinking about my reasons for feeling that way, I figured out that I'm not, lmao) but I am most definitely aro, and romance as a Thing™ kind of grates on me.

I think romance is a social construct to a degree. I don't believe that it's entirely a fake concept, there are many different kinds of love and romance certainly encompasses several of them, but the importance that has been placed upon it by society is 100% fake and bullshit and not remotely grounded in reality.

I will openly say that I blame capitalism for this! Separating people into progressively smaller and smaller social units and thereby creating as many social units as possible, all of which can then be separately sold to, has been a strategy since the 50s; after all, you'll sell more TVs, lawnmowers and toasters if you have ten distinct and separate households of two people (and their children) who don't share with their neighbours than you will if you have four households of five people or two communities of ten, who all freely share their TVs, lawnmowers and toasters amongst themselves. Romance as the superior endgame that everyone should aspire to is central to the concept of the nuclear family, that small social unit that presents the best and most desirable outcomes for capitalism, so it shouldn't be a shock to anyone that it's rare to see a piece of media that doesn't push romance as something that everyone should always want at all times and that it's shameful and pitiable to be without.

That said, I also happen to believe that there are as many kinds of love as there are people who love each other. I genuinely believe this in my soul. The kind of love you experience with one person is never going to be the same as the kind you experience with another. You love every single one of the people in your life in a different way, no two are ever the same, and personally I find it a bit pointless to try to shoehorn them into specific boxes like "romantic" or "platonic" or whatever because each one is unique and it is what it is. What is it that makes a love "romantic"? It's not sex, people have sex with folks they don't love at all all the time and it's also very cool and fun to have sex with your friends! It's not the strength of your bond either; I've known plenty of friends who were fiercely ride or die for each other and whose bonds have endured far longer than any romance any one of them has had. So what is it? No one's ever been able to tell me.

Supposedly there's some certain extra something in romance, some kind of magical je ne sais quoi that is absent from a friendship, but I'm not sure how much I believe that. It smacks of the same fallacious claim that romance is superior to friendship, that friendship is merely something you settle for until you manage to achieve romance and that as soon as a romantic relationship becomes available, all of your friendships are lesser and have to be pushed aside to make room for it. That there's allegedly some certain special something that makes romance inherently more valuable sounds like propaganda to me. I'm sorry, but it just sounds to me like you don't love your friends enough.

Ultimately that, too, is a problem of capitalism, which doesn't leave people enough time or energy to really bond with each other. We're all very isolated and alone, often only having the option of bonding with the one person who lives with us full-time: our romantic partner. All of our need for closeness, vulnerability and intimacy, both emotional and physical, gets foisted onto the one person we have access to on a sufficiently regular basis to fulfil those needs. You see this a lot with cishet men particularly, who are viciously discouraged from sharing any kind of real intimacy with their male friends and thereby end up making their female romantic partner responsible for those needs in their entirety; it's not a coincidence that suicide rates for men are so disproportionately high.

Placing such massive importance on romance denies huge swathes of the human experience, basically. We were never meant to live in little isolated pockets, apart from our friends and our communities and not knowing how to deeply love each other outside of one very specific type of social bond.

Anyway sorry about the essay OP, I hope you're having a good one.

aspecs reblog and put in the tags how/if you differentiate romantic and platonic attraction and if you think romance is a social construct i need your thoughts on this it’s for science