#I'm still depressed tho part of it is probably hormonal

[yallemagne]

The frustrating thing about trying to distance oneself from a previous hyperfixation is that... all my fuckin art is just that. And my own art doesn't stir any negative feelings (other than the typical negative feelings an artist is saddled with when viewing their own creations) but I don't really want to work on those things... buuuut starting new shit when I have so many WIPs is annoying to me. Especially when these new projects aren't finished immediately. If I'm going to be slogging it might as well be with something already established.

Then again, I kinda have two things I've already finished over my break, but since I didn't post them immediately upon finishing I just have no will to post, so finishing any projects seems pointless with that particular roadblock in the way.

grrr bark bark wahyyyy.

I know the reason why: I don't want to build myself up, but why draw if I'm not even letting myself be proud of my work?

[raw-eggy]

Just a personal depressing ramble, nothing fun here, will ruin your mood if you finish reading so don't do it lol

It's weird to me once I've realised, since I know 1. I'm a hopeless romantic 2. I tend/try to give almost all of me whenever I'm in a relationship 3. I've always been clingy+attached+needy in most, if not all of my past relationships but:

I've been in first/puppy love, infatuation mixed with hormones and some other shi, love out of longterm companionship and familiarity, mind fogging infatuation again + horniness after peacefully parting with the longterm relationship, then now where it's just two people who are interested/who like each other but are still trying things out with a special open agreement on my side due to lack on his side that leads to me having another special precious someone but it's complicated too-

What I'm trying to say is, I don't think I've ever gotten the chance yet to fall in love, like really in love with someone and that makes me sad. It's no one's fault tbh, it's either because I never had the chance to get to know them better before it came to an end or reality problems like they're in school/have work so we can't spend enough time together or we were both just mentally unwell or just because my self aware mind was holding me back just because she knew I wouldn't receive the amount of feelings I needed to feel wholely loved and it would have just brought me pain rather than the decently happy memories and experiences I have now-

Ah,,,,, so it's because I've never had or felt like someone actually was in love with me? That's why she didn't let me? Well that realization while typing whatever came to mind just made me cry a bit. And the fact that 60% (remaining 40% is my optimistic side taking control and just hoping for a chance) of me believe I probably won't find someone who will be in love with me like I need because I'm just so average and not fucking enough just makes me cry more and I hate it.

I know I'm good, I'm great, I'm not bad, I'll be an above average gf to any lucky guy with a good eye; I appreciate/am grateful for any feelings towards me lots and will love you back the same amount or more but why? Why can't anyone be interested in me enough to want to learn all of me? Even if it takes a lifetime. And then be in love with everything of me that you've found out? Why can't anyone only want me and be sure that no one else can compare and never ever want to let go of me? Try your best with me even when reality is being an ass? Why can't someone just be unconditionally in love with me all because it's me? Why? why? why why why

I want to be fully trusting hopelessly in love with someone, but I can't as long as I feel like there's any risks or possibilities of me getting hurt or it not working, does that mean I'll never get to experience being mindlessly in love? It's a good thing ig that I have a defense mechanism in place,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I'll still be insecure and have bad feels and get hurt sometimes cause I'm a crybaby but at least I won't feel anything lasting haha~ tho then that makes me worried if there's something wrong with me cause after every relationship I just cried and mourned a lil then was totally fine-

(Okay that was a big spiral LMAO imma just leave this here so I can clear it out of my head and not revisit those feelings again) (also in no way does this post means I'm not happy with what I have right now, everything's reasonably balanced and it's perfectly fulfilling for what I need right now, I like both my darling and sweetheart a lot and wouldn't trade them for anyone else.)