#I'm sorry you're dealing with that and I hope this month isn't too difficult for you | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

manslaught · 1 year ago

Text

any anxiety she'd had about them in the last few months melts away the moment tai tells her she missed her— she never doubted it, but she came close a few times, terrified by the silence until she finally received the first letter from taissa. everything feels closer to okay now, even when they're forced apart, because as long as she has tai's support through all of this, she'll be okay. she'll be able to handle all the stupid inmates trying to get under her skin, the image of herself that's most likely destroyed by now, based on everything she's heard from the mouths of others— none of it matters, not if she has tai through it all.

she's not apologizing for killing him, exactly, because she can't feel sorry about that, not when she knew she had to, even if she hadn't even been thinking about it in the moment. she's apologizing for how difficult she's made this for them, because they can't just be together, the way mikayla imagined they would. that, and she's sure her actions have only made it harder for all the other survivors, like they're all suddenly expected to follow in her footsteps, to snap. “ i didn't— i just wanted him to stop. ” a part of her always knew that his death would be the only thing that could ever guarantee that, so she'd hoped on the entire plane ride back that maybe he drank himself to death while they were gone— but luck has never been on mikayla desousa's side, so of course he was still alive.

mikayla isn't sure how to answer that, because she doesn't know if she's okay. she doesn't know if any of them will ever be okay after what they went through, but she doesn't think she has to mention that. “ i'm... better now. ” not okay, maybe, but better than she was three months ago, when she was beaten and bloody in a pair of handcuffs, with no number to call, not because she didn't have anyone, but because she didn't know it— but she's not sure if it would have mattered if she somehow did, because putting all of that weight on taissa seemed unfair, even if she was the only person mikayla thought of in the moment.

she doesn't want to talk about him, but not because it's difficult for her to— mikayla just knows their time is limited, so she'd much rather focus on them than what happened with him. she knows she has to talk about it eventually, but after being apart from her for so long, there's more important things for them to discuss. “ i'll tell you about it some other time. i just don't care about it right now. i just fucking missed you. ” she could say it a million times and it would never feel like it would be enough, but she thinks tai understands anyway: because it had to be the same for her, going from waking up next to her every night to waking up alone, without each other.

mikayla smiles for the first time in months, her face growing warm, gaze momentarily dropping to their intertwined hands, because it's difficult to give the same overly confident response she would have given before, given where she is. “ so do you, ” she says instead of any smug comment, her free hand moving to touch tai's hair, falling away moments later, when one of the guard glares in her direction. “ you cut it again. it looks good. ” her own hair is more or less the same length as it's always been, but healthier, finally— as bad as prison shampoo is, it's still better than nothing, which is what she had to deal with for months before.

her brows furrow, head shaking as she squeezes tai's hand. “ all i wanted was to see you. i just— i didn't have a phone number. or an address. or, fuck, anything. ” maybe they should have planned better before, had some kind of conversation before they had to reunite with their parents, but mikayla had been too panicked to even speak, so it wasn't an option then. “ you're here now. that's all i care about. and maybe it's... better, you not having to see me like that. ” outside of the mugshot, at least. they've seen their teammates in worse condition out there, but mikayla knows that it would have made her sick, seeing tai hurt, so she has to assume it's the same the other way around.

“ you're... going to go to college in a few months. ” it's supposed to be a question, but it comes out more like a statement, because mikayla knows tai— she's certain that she's eager to get back to the plans she had before, and while mikayla doesn't want to dwell on that, not communicating caused them to be apart for three months, so she figures it's best to just get it out of the way. “ i want you to. obviously. just because i'm stuck doesn't mean you should be. but— ” she hesitates, because this is something she's stressed about in the last couple weeks, terrified of what this all means for them and everything they can be. “ —but i still want to be with you. i love you. and i'm going to still love you even when you're— however fucking many miles away. so i want to... try. ” mikayla doesn't know if that's selfish, asking tai to be with someone incarcerated for five years, assuming she doesn't get granted parole, but she hopes she's not alone in wanting it. “ if that's what you want, too. ”

taissa knows she has to follow mikayla's lead on this. she knows most of what she's been through, the things she's read in the paper or heard on the news, but it's nothing compared to the assumptions she's made in her own head, expecting to see mikayla in the worst conditions now. she knew her father was a horrible guy, that he deserved what happened to him especially if it meant mikayla was finally, truly free from him — but knowing that she was hurt in the process makes taissa sick. so she's promised herself she'll be careful, waiting for mikayla to make the first move, for her to show her what she needs. then, taissa will gladly give her whatever that is, because all she wants right now is to hold her.

she's relieved when mikayla rushes towards her, the tension in her shoulders loosening as she wraps her arms tightly around her. ❝ oh my god, ❞ she mutters, because she doesn't know what else to say, doesn't realize how much she's been holding her breath for the past few months waiting for this moment. it's relieving to actually see her, to put to rest any of those fears that she may never see her again or that she can never see with her own two eyes that mikayla is still here, still okay. because she may be in prison, but at least she's alive--- and after seeing her mugshot and hearing the reports, she knows it could've gone another way, something that's haunted her every day until she was able to physically see her in the flesh. she brings her hands up, brushing her fingers through her hair, much easier than she ever could in the wilderness, a stark reminder that they're no longer out there, but rather, finally here, to some kind of safety even though it's not where mikayla should really be ( she should be out of here, with tai, planning their life together in a way they haven't gotten the chance to do yet, but she can't dwell on that. )

❝ I missed you, ❞ she mumbles with her face pressed into the side of mikayla's head, their bodies fitting together the way they always did, a reminder that they're still them, despite all the things that have changed. she's frustrated when they're told to stop, her body freezing in place again when mikayla pulls away, making her way to her seat a bit slower because she already misses her touch. the reality is, though, that there's no amount of time that would have been enough to hold her, especially after three months away, so she has to take what she can get for now. sitting back down, she looks to her hands, reaching her own hand out to hold hers gently. she notices the scarring, but she says nothing of it, doesn't hold back from holding her lover's hand. instead, her thumbs brush over her knuckles gently, a way to silently show her that it's okay.

❝ what? ❞ she asks almost immediately, shaking her head with confusion as mikayla apologizes. ❝ no, kay, no. you're not going to apologize for this, ❞ she insists, because that's what she wanted her to know before anything else: taissa does not blame her for what she did. she does not blame her for ending up here. she does not blame her for any of it, nor does she look at her any differently than she did out there ( the same way her feelings hadn't changed when mikayla first killed someone, when taissa wanted nothing more than to just hold her and remind her that she was still the girl she loved, the one who did what she had to to survive, just as she did with her father. )

her brows furrow as she goes on, because this is her first chance to really get answers from mikayla, and she's not sure what she was expecting. but she frowns, even more worried about what she's been through mentally. ❝ okay, ❞ she says softly, believing her, as if she'd ever question her. ❝ I didn't know. I didn't know if you meant to, or— or what. but it didn't matter, ❞ she's quick to say, taking a deep breath and wishing she was better at holding herself together, but it's been harder since rescue, despite assuming that she would have bounced back immediately. what happened with mikayla made that a lot more difficult, but she still doesn't blame her for it. ❝ can you just . . . tell me if you're okay? ❞ it feels like a stupid question, considering where she is, but she thinks she and mikayla understand each other well enough for mikayla to know what she's really asking, that she wants to know if she's doing okay mentally, given everything she's been through, everything she's been forced to live with since.

❝ you don't have to talk about it . . . about what happened with him. i've just been — fuck, I just couldn't stop thinking about you, about seeing you. knowing you're still here. you— ❞ she stops herself, her eyes closing as she quickly shakes her head, like she needs to backtrack. her hand squeezes hers as she looks at her again, leaning forward. ❝ you look so fucking beautiful, mikayla. ❞ yeah, these conditions are horrible, but she'd think that mikayla looked beautiful anywhere, under any circumstances, and given the way they saw each other last, it feels so important to say, to let her know that she still sees her that way despite everything. ❝ three months feels like— three fucking decades, ❞ she mumbles with a sigh. ❝ I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. I didn't . . . I was scared that maybe you didn't want me to see you, ❞ she admits.

#ladyintree #ladyintree: 47.#thread.#yj: 1998.#main.#mikayla actually communicating <3

7 notes · View notes

uglypastels · 3 years ago

Note

Hey!!! I love your writing!! I was wondering if you could write like a headcanon of something with the reader dating eddie and being on her period or something?? 💝

Thank you!! I definitely needed to write this and a shoutout goes to all my fellow menstruating peeps <3 hope you feel better soon. (warning though, I don't know how to write headcanons, so I'm just doing my own thing here). [[i'm also going to be posting a longer fic this evening hopefully, and I'm sorry to not have worked more on the requests, so yes, I'm using this as a little bit of compensation]]

eddie requests always welcome!!! // taglist // support by reblogging!

Warning; (period) blood. Light swearing. Eddie being the sweetest mutherfucker there is. maybe out of character stuff, bc i'm projecting

So, it being the 80s, being on your period was not very great. Like, it's still stigmatised, but nothing compares to a few decades ago.

It was just not talked about.

You've had a few boyfriends maybe, but never had even dared to utter the word around them. You didn't want to gross them out.

When it came around to that time of the month, you would just tell them you "didn't feel well" or something like that, which was true, but would drop the topic soon after. And not that it mattered a lot, the relationships never lasted for too long.

But then Eddie came along and your whole world changed.

That man did not care about a single thing and he despises the patriarchy. Maybe he doesn't know how it all works, but he knows that periods exist. Like, he wasn't too great in science but it doesn't take a genius to know that it was a natural process. He might not know exactly when you are having your worse days, but he's aware you have them. He doesn't make shitty "is it that time of the month?" jokes or any other dumb comments about it if you ever get a bit emotional or don't feel too good. You are still not really comfortable talking about it openly, not because of Eddie specifically, but because of everyone else and how you grew up. But if you did ever slip up and mention something about your menstrual cycle, Eddie wouldn't act all grossed out.

Maybe one day you stay over at his place and when you wake, you can already feel it. Just in your gut, before you pull the covers off, you just know.

You lock yourself in the bathroom and try to clean up before he wakes up, but that man has like a radar when it comes to you. He wakes up as soon as you slam the bathroom door shut (though, maybe that had something to do with it) and is at your side (just that bathroom door still between you.

'Baby? What's wrong?'

'Nothing!' you would shout from the bathroom. But Eddie isn't stupid.

'Baby?' He would just keep talking until you would properly talk to him. None of that "I'm fine" bullshit. The longer you would try to avoid it, the more ridiculous theories he would start to bring up.

'All you're doing right now, is ensuring that I think an actual alien burst out of you.'

'Fine I'm on my period!' you shout out, most likely for the entire trailer park to hear.

'Now was that so hard?'

You would have run to that bathroom in a state of panic, just wanting to clean the blood off, forgetting all your things. So, you ask Eddie to bring them over for you from your backpack. He had gone through your stuff a million times, just as you had gone through his, so he knew exactly where that little purse was where you kept your tampons and painkillers. A few seconds later he knocked softly on the bathroom door and handed you your things– little purse included as well as your spare change of clothes. You realise, however, that the shirt on top of the pile wasn't your shirt. It was his. He had especially pulled it out of the closet so you could wear it now.

But you also realise that you only had one tampon left. Overall, not a big deal. You could just quickly head over to the drugstore.

That plan, however, became a bit more difficult when you stepped out of the bathroom.

First, Eddie wasn't anywhere near the bathroom anymore. He was back in his room. You see him on the bed, cleaning up the bloodstain with a wet washcloth.

'I'm so sorry.' The tears already stinging your eyes. Eddie looks up at you and rushes to you, pulling you into a hug.

'Hey, hey, hey. Nothing to be sorry about. It happens. I can clean it up,' he makes you look at the bed, 'See? Almost gone.' It hadn't even been that big of a stain, but you still felt horrible. But Eddie wouldn't have any of that. He held you close, wiped off your tears and left kisses all over your face until you smiled.

'It's really no big deal. Why don't you go sit on the couch while I finish this up? Then I can make us some breakfast?' Breakfast being something between choice A) Cereal or B) Fried eggs or C) Last night's leftovers.

'Actually, I got to go to the drugstore.' You tell him, and Eddie immediately doesn't sound too happy with that. But not for the reasons you might have thought.

'No way are you going out now. You got to rest.'

'I can go to the store, Eddie.'

'I won't have it.' He's basically putting you on bed rest for the day, even if your cramps or other symptoms aren't showing up. He just wants to be sure you're comfortable. So, he heads out to the store himself after you tell him what it is you exactly need. You imagine he wouldn't be gone less than half an hour, but after two hours he still isn't back. A lot of reasons could have been the cause of it, so you try not to panic. Maybe there was a line at the drugstore, or he got hung up talking to someone? It was fine. The only problem is that you get hungry, and so, basically munch up the rest of the cereal that you found in the cupboard.

Eddie comes through the door right as you finish the box. And the mystery of his long absence is immediately explained when you see the amount of things he brought with him. He immediately wants to show you the haul.

'Right, so I got you your tampax,' he throws you the box.

'Also went and got you some candy.' And with "some candy" he meant an entire bag full of snacks, all your favourites, of course.

'And then I thought, we could just stay in for the day, so I went over to the video store and I tried to ask Robin what kind of movies you've borrowed because I wanted to pick something that you wouldn't hate, but she was being really difficult about it, so, unfortunately, in that battle, I lost the Reese's cups. BUT I got these,' he pulls out a stack of films that were most definitely in your customer history, at least a dozen times, 'And…really?' he laughs at your choices of favourite films.

'They're classics!'

'Whatever. Oh and I also got some more cereal because I knew you would eat them while I was away.'

And you do spend the entire day cuddling, eating junk food and watching movies on the little tv. Eddie doesn't want to pry, but he does ask you questions just so he can know a bit more about how you're feeling and how he can help. Do you have any cravings? What can he do for you if your cramps ever get the worst of you? Would weed help with the pain? Do you want a lot of contact or do you need space?

He would also be sure to stock up on everything you need at his trailer, just for emergencies. Maybe he would keep a tampon on him in his backpack at school. One day you would realise you had forgotten to repack your emergency stuff, but Eddie would just be like, I got you sweetheart, and hand you one. It would be at your locker, so someone would have seen it (Jason? Or some other jock) and, of course, they would make fun of him. Eddie would grab the opportunity immediately to reply back.

'What do you need that for, Munson?'

'Well, usually I keep them around for your mom.' or something dumb like that.

'You take that back, Freak!'

'Fine! I won't provide your mother sanitary products!' He would yell it across the hallway as he made his way out of the building.

He would happily take the stigma over from you, making everyone uncomfortable by talking loudly, and proudly, over something that should have been normalised a long time ago, anyway.

Leave a review behind!

taglist: @spiderrrling @hellfire-state-of-mind @theglitterymess @dorianelizabeth @theletterhart @niyahwhoreworld @chatnoirfangirl1624 @fopdoodle1624 @pastel-abyss-x

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fic #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson hc #eddie munson headcanon #eddie munson blurb #eddie munson #stranger things fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #imagine #blurb #headcanon #hc

568 notes · View notes

rcksmith · 4 years ago

Text

Not you — Five Hargreeves

Requests: “Five Hargreeves x fem!reader, Fluff prompts 9, 52 and 53, please? (You can do this whenever you feel like it) Five and Y/n are both hit by one of Hazel and Cha-Cha’s bullets in the Gimbel Brothers store and they immediately go to the academy (Five wants Y/n treated as soon as possible.) after they’re fine, the siblings start to question them on Five’s protectiveness over Y/n”

“Hii could I request 4 & 23 off the fluff prompts for Five pls ty 😌✨”

Fluff prompts:

4. “Sweetheart, you’re my entire world”

9. “So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend?!" "No, that girl is my wife!”

23. “i’ve dreamt about this.”

52. "Help her first."

53. “There are no limits when it comes to you. I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”

A/N: We not tolerate any pedophilia here !!

I write about Five with their 20s. I write the same about the characters of Harry Potter.

I hope you guys like💖I decided to compile these two requests, since they were the same energy and they prompts connect to a central plot. I added all the elements that were asked for individually, and made sure that all ideas were respected and written down. Good reading.

I used here some fragments of the central plot of Five, but, guys, keep in mind that he is 20 years old, and that when he comes back to 2019 Five does not make a mistake in the calculations. I changed the location of the fight too, but a really I hope you, Anon # 1, don't mind.

English is not my first language, so I so sorry if have a mistake.

Requests are open. Love you ❤️

Couple: Five Hargreeves / Fem! Reader.

Warnings: blood, mention of death, swearing, fluff too.

— — — — —

You remembered perfectly when you met Five Hargreeves, the commission's golden ball, The Handler's award-winning shamrock. If you closed your eyes, even after years, you could still smell the male cologne wafting in the air, and you could relive the same feeling in the pit of your stomach that you had when he looked at you with those obsedian eyes.

Five Hargreeves was gorgeous. Absurdly gorgeous. But absurdly arrogant, boastful, presumptuous and completely absent of any delicacy in relation to empathy and kindness. He was the type who would open the door for you to enter first, but who would be the first to make fun of your erroneous reasoning.

And that was why, at the time, when you were assigned to be his partner, you lived in conflict with what you really felt. It was a mixture of tantrum and physical attraction.

But unlike all the people around Five, when he spit fire at you with all the anger at his difficult temper, you didn't run. In fact, when it exploded the first time in front of you, you crossed your arms, arched an eyebrow and looked at him with boredom.

“Have you finished your show yet?” You said, as if you didn't care, leaning against the hood of the car while Five screamed through the 7 winds “Stop to imply with everything.”

Five had been your partner for a few months now and it became clearer each day that the irritation was mutual. He made it perfectly clear that you pissed him off until his last hair.

But, unlike you, it was for another reason.

Shit, you were a fucking goddess! Your beauty was notorious, but that was not all that caught his attention. You were smart, canny, brave, Five never saw you in fear of any situation or shaken by any scene of blood. You knew your goals and went after them. It was strong, decisive, and, goddamn, he loved it. You had a fist, you were firm, and you always made it very clear that you were no helpless maiden.

It felt like you had gotten out of his imagination, from the daydreams in which Five rambled about what kind of woman he admired. And, hell, you came with the full package. It was a combination of overwhelming beauty, intelligence, dexterity, and he never thought that someone like that could be real.

But of course you were. And now Five was completely irritated because you were real, and not just another his dream and daydream in which a sublime woman starred.

“To Imply?” Five turned to you, eyes on fire “To Imply?!”

“Like a 2-year-old who didn't take his afternoon nap. It's not the end of time, it doesn't have to be childish.”

Now Five felt himself ignite. He was a dry, rough fire and you were gasoline, igniting everything saw ahead.

Was that damn woman calling he a child?! You?! Just you, the person whose Five wanted to tie the bed and do all kinds of sinful things.

Oh hell no!

Five came forward, furious, like an angry god, his coal eyes never leaving your direction.

“Childish, isn't it?” He snarled “I'm going to show you the childish!”

Five held your face tightly in his hands and pressed your lips to his. Fierce, needy, set on fire, lost in half sentences of feelings about you. He slid his hands to the back of your neck, closing his fingers in your hair and invading your mouth with his tongue, letting you taste the caffeine, danger and lust he had.

You sighed, or Five, or both. You held him as close as he was, with the two of you being on the same mission: to conquer, to take, to possess. But Five had an extraordinary intensity, a magnitude that managed to win you

Then your touch became more docile, your kiss became submissive and you were surrendered. When Five walked away, not with his body, he still held you against him, but with his head, enough to look you in the eye, you sighed.

“I’ve dreamt about this.” You gave up your game, because you couldn't pretend anymore, and Five responded by kissing you again, this time tasting your whole mouth.

After that day, Five and you never came apart. You two were like a dynamic duo, crime partners in the morning and intense lovers at night.

But Five spent so much time with affection, love and caring being denied that when, on a night when work got the best of him, Five fell into the bed you shared in a Motel room, very close to your lap and you smiled sweetly and ran your fingers through his black hair, establishing the affection there, Five was catatonic.

His wild mind wanted to take it away and go, tell you to swallow those loving gestures and that he would never need them. That they were a nuisance, a distraction.

But his body and heart... well, they begged Five to stay another second. Just one more second enjoying that touch, the care, the importance that someone felt for him. He liked to be pampered, who knew.

So he ended up falling asleep with your touch and, after that day, Five realized that if his body and heart couldn't get any further from you, then no one would ever take you away from him. You would stay with him, until the end. As long as you wanted to stay.

And you wanted to. You wanted all the stages, all the moments, all the fights. You wanted Five, completely. And after some time like that, he said that you two were going to get married. It wasn't a request, it wasn't a speculation, it was a fact and that's it. You laughed, it was Five's style to be embarrassed about something and treat it more coarsely, just because he didn't know how to deal with the emotions he felt.

“Of course I do.” You reassured him by bringing your hands to his face, tracing affectionate circles on his cheek with your thumb.

“You would have no other option.” He grunted, not looking at you, trying to divert attention from his own racing heart.

You laughed and sealed the future of the two of you with a kiss.

After five years of making it official, Five said he had found a way for him to get home. And as he spoke, you noticed a flickering hesitation in his eyes. You knew, at that moment, that Five would leave it behind if there was a chance that you wouldn't want to go along. He promised to love you, in joy and sadness, in difficult times and in good times, and he never broke a promise.

Five Hargreeves would stay for you. In 1963, in 1988, in 2019, it didn't matter the season, the year. It wouldn't be worth anything if didn't have you by his side.

But, like him, it was logical that you would never abandon him, ever. So you went along. It was together in the murder in 1963, it was together at the time of the target, and it was together when he jumped in the portal. You were with Five when he reunited with his family, they all amazement by the 13 year old little brother who disappeared to reappear as a man of 25. On top of that accompanied by a girl.

But Five still couldn't administer his emotions properly, he still couldn't say that he missed his brothers and that being without his family had been terrible. His past contained many shipwrecks and he did not know how to open up about it. After so many years alone and then killing without any judgment, it was difficult to connect with emotions.

So, instead of saying everything that screamed inside him, after just some time with the siblings he took your hand and pulled you out, telling the Hargreeves that he would go after a decent coffee.

“I wish I could have talked to them better.” You grumble whit Five and he rolled his eyes.

“As if they were going to understand the things you were going to explain.” He murmured, covering the whole issue of the Commission and time jumps.

“This is not difficult to explain.” You raised your left hand, signaling the silver circle that hugged your finger.

Five laughed, sipping his coffee.

“You will be my wife forever, there is plenty of time for you to tell that.”

But as soon as Five's words had just left your lips, blowing in the air like fog, the door to the store opened, and you two didn't have to turn around to find out who they were. Years on the commission have earned you enough training to even recognize the sound of their footsteps.

The exchange of looks that Five and you gave was enough to know what each one was thinking and how they would act. That was your secret language, the superpower that you two shared. No words were needed to understand each one like the back of your hand.

You took a deep breath, while your fingers on your right hand steadied yourself on the coffee cup and Five on the knife. There was no waiting for speeches, exchanging words, you both knew that the Commission would send the best agents besides you, and Hazel and Cha-Cha were not known to be late at work.

Then the action started, Five turned and teleported with the knife, shoving it into the leg of one of the agents covered in rabbit masks. You didn't stay behind and swivel your chair around, throwing the sizzling coffee into the second's hands, causing him to drop the gun on the floor. You didn't wait to kick him in the chest, making him stagger backwards as you got up from the chair. You and Five were good, but so was Hazel and Cha-Cha, and you couldn't count on the powers to dodge physical attacks.

Everything was very fast indeed, windows were broken, punches were exchanged, blood was plucked. But when you looked to the side and saw who was probably Cha-Cha pushing Five against a broken glass stake, you understood why love at work was so dangerous. You understand completely. Because you've lost your focus. It took a thousandth of an instant for years of training and improvement to be thrown out the window. Only the possibility of Five getting hurt got you off track, and that was fatale.

The agent who fought with you took advantage of your distraction, reaching for the gun that was on the floor in that split second. And a shot reverberated through the place.

Suddenly, the world for Five stopped the axis. Everything was suspended, appalled, frozen. And in that very second, his body shivered from head to toe, as if misfortune had sighed in his neck. Five Hargreeves never feared anyone, even death itself. But as soon as he heard the sound of the shot, Five tasted death. Was rough, metallic and cruel, the blood drained from the body and the world released a dark and funeral note, sinking into a black sea.

Because fear is not the bullet hitting you, but someone you love.

Five turned back, eyes wide, hands shaking, and he didn't know what was beating faster: his fear or his heart.

He would remember that moment as the most cruel and frightening of his entire life, years in the apocalypse and killing had no comparison to the terror that was seeing your white shirt start to be stained with blood, the bullet hole marking your abdomen. You looked up at him, shocked, livid, and Five could see death perfectly, pulling the vitality out of your eyes.

He didn't think, he didn't reason, he just teleported himself to you, taking your body in his arms and teleported you two away from there. Five’s hands were shaking, a visceral pain snaking through his body and suffocating him with the worst sensation Five had ever felt in his life.

He took you both to the Hargreeves mansion in the blink of an eye, his powers failing when the blue flash left you both in the giant living room.

“Five!”

Maybe it was Luther's voice, or Klaus, or Diego, he didn't know. Everything was a distant echo, a note submerged in the water. Five saw or heard nothing but your body in his arms, your eyes closed and face frighteningly pale, his right hand, which was pressing on your wound, was already soaked in blood.

It was too much blood, the smell was overwhelming, and for the first time in a long time, Five Hargreeves was in despair.

Hands touched his shoulders, and Grace's voice was heard in the background. But he didn't want treatments, whatever the goddamn his wounds were going to be.

“Help her first!” Five shouted, his voice finding strength in the terror he felt. And also in fury.

The Handler would pay for that, and so would Hazel and Cha-Cha. And, by God, the whole world would pay if you never opened your eyes again.

“Right now.” Maybe it was Pogo “But, Five, are you…”

“No!” He ordered “She first!”

Then Grace's hands took you out of his arms and Five refused to leave you for even a second. He was beside you at the operating table, holding your hand, with him bloody fingers of your blood and the agent he had fought.

But Five didn't care about the himself state, the people around it, or anything. His eyes were focused on you, his face frozen in a livid expression.

And when Grace said that you would need a blood transfusion and Five barely let her finish speaking before rolling up the manga and extending his arm, the siblings Hargreeves and Pogo were shocked. What they saw in Five's eyes was not a man afraid of losing someone, but of losing the person he loved.

I shouldn't have come back. Was Five's first thought when the surgery ended well and you were still asleep. It was his fault that you almost died. And everything was buzzing in Five's head like a propellant.

“So…”

Klaus appeared in the kitchen, with the siblings, while Five was washing the blood from his hands, now calmer since you were alive.

“That was heavy.” Luther let out a little gasp, a kind of choked laugh.

“Aren't you going to tell us what happened?” Allison sat at the table.

“She almost died because of my decision, that's what happened.” Five replied, turning and picking up a cloth from the table, drying his hands.

“Five...” Allison made his eyes go towards his sister “Who is she, actually ?”

Five gave a bitter laugh. Who were you? How would he explain it?

You are everything. The reason wake up everyday was good, what made the summer breeze and the sun's rays warm, the reason why his world was still spinning.

Who were you? It was absolutely everything for Five.

“Someone very important.” His whispered escaped.

“So you're saying that girl is your girlfriend ?!" Luther looked at Five in shock, as if the possibility of him having a girlfriend was absurd.

“No.” Five looked at Luther with fire in his eyes, his voice hoarse “That girl is my wife!”

The room's breath evaporated, everyone was dumbfounded and bewildered. But Grace came in at that moment, saving Five from continuing that conversation.

“She woke up.” His mother's voice was soft, and Five dropped everything he was doing and disappeared into the blue flash.

The first thing he noticed when he entered that room was you sitting on the bed, your back against the headboard.

“Hey...” the smile you gave made Five's world spin again.

He didn't wait a second before walking up to you in quick steps, holding your face in his hands and sealing your lips in a desperate kiss, as if that could prove that everything was fine.

“I thought I lost you.” He whispered against your lips, hands shaking, thumbs stroking yours cheeks.

“Bad vase doesn't break early.” You joked and Five laughed softly, his forehead touching your. “Were you hurt?”

He denied it, still with you, as if letting you was impossible. Maybe it was.

“I got distracted, I'm sorry that we let them escape and...”

Five interrupted your sentence

“Sweetheart…” You stopped, bewitched by his tone of voice “You’re my entire world.”

Five wasn't calling Hazel and Cha-Cha right now. He would kill that entire Commission later. Later. Now the only thing that mattered was you.

“I shouldn't have broken our contracts with the commission. I shouldn't have put you in this.” He said “But ... but I am very selfish, and even though I knew it would be better to let you go back to the Commission, I cannot live without you...”

“Hey, I not go come back.” You held his hands that were on your face, looking at him with love "My place is with you.”

“I promise you that I will never let anyone else hurt you. Even if I have to kill every single person on this planet. ” Five guaranteed “There are no limits when it comes to you. I'll do anything to keep you safe. ”

You smiled, put your lips together in a passionate kiss and whispered:

“I only need you, my love. Forever.”

4K notes · View notes

theresthesnitch · 3 years ago

Note

Mondays do suck. I come to seek advice. Got any advice for when your life isn't going the way you wanted/planned it to? Not that I'm completely miserable or anything, just if you asked me six months ago this is not where I thought I'd be. A Masters rejection, a new job, moving back in with family, and struggling with mental illness and I guess I've just got change whiplash if that's a thing.

I know I need to pull myself out of this rut and start to move forward but I don't really know how to do that when it feels like I'm just surviving the day to day trying to adapt.

Sorry, I know this isn't the most fun ask in the world, but I've been reading your responses to other asks and you give good advice so I thought I'd go for it.

Hey, I take all asks for anon ask hour--fun and not fun. I'm glad that you've found my advice helpful, and I'm so happy that you've come to ask for some, too. You deserve to be here too, you know? You're so valid, even if your ask isn't happy and fun. Sometimes happy and fun are too difficult of masks to maintain, and that's alright.

Maybe this is going to sound way too simple, but.... I think you might need to talk to someone. As in a therapist! It sounds like you're dealing with a lot recently, and that it's weighing down on you pretty hard. That's so completely valid, but sometimes we need help to "pull ourselves out of it" or to figure out that we don't have to be pulled out of everything bad that happens, we just have to make it through to the other side. A therapist can help you determine strategies to reframe your mind or to approach things that are happening without them overwhelming you.

I do recognize that "go to therapy" is not always an accessible solution for everyone. I wish there was a way to get free, competent, accessible therapy for everyone, but maybe this is something not available to you. I am not a therapist, I don't know if any of these will work, and I don't think that there is a quick-and-free solution to every problem. But maybe some of these suggestions can help, or can give you and idea for what could help you.

Start small. Accomplish small, easy things. Reward yourself for accomplishing small, easy things. Go as small as you need to. (You sent an ask today where you acknowledged that you need help, and I am SO PROUD of you for coming to talk to me. I know that's not easy.)

Broadly, this is try journaling, but I think that is a very overwhelming thing to just say. Like, how do you even start. But remember, we are starting small. Keep a notebook next to your bed or in the bathroom (that's where I end up first thing in the morning) and make a bulleted list. What's the list? You pick. Things you want to accomplish today. Or, if that's too overwhelming, things that make you happy. Or, things you remember from the day before (this would be great to start keeping track of your life). Or, things you can see.

Give yourself a chance to just be. Go somewhere quiet and alone, no music or radio or phone or anything, and just be. I know this one can be diffcult if you have kids who demand your time and attention or no space to all your own. Even if it's just five minutes before bed, or thirty second before you leave the bathroom. Just sit with yourself and be with no purpose.

Give yourself permission to be a kid. Blow bubbles. Color. Play. Run with no destination. Not everything you do in life has to be productive.

Alright, all of these kind of boil down to the same thing, but really, just let yourself have a break. You don't have to be or accomplish all the amazing things. You don't have to use the next 5 minutes to the most potential ever. It's okay to just let go a bit.

I don't know if this was helpful, but I hope you find peace, anon. You're a wonderful, gorgeous person, and I'm so proud of you.

#snitch answers asks #anon asks #anon ask hour

7 notes · View notes

mysinsforbts · 4 years ago

Text

Be careful what you wish for~

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY Namjoon!~ 💜)

Dom! Namjoon lion hybird x Sub! (female) reader

Semi Hybrid au, Friends to lovers

Rating: 18+

About: Namjoon and you always had been friends because your parents knew each other, you played together in the sand, went to school together, studied together but you had no idea that you also would spend your lives together. As you and Namjoon became roomates, things start to get serious. He noticed his crush on you, while you had to deal with his heat and your hormones. You kept your fellings a secret, while he acts without thinking. Holidays were happening and than Namjoons heat broke out.

Warnings: semi angst, mentioning of death, cursing, Smut, dirty talk, masturbation, vaginal fingering, oral (female), possessive behavior, bareness, ass spanking, hickeys, marking, biting, breeding kink, Dom!Namjoon, Sub!Reader, Daddy kink, begging, teasing, overstimulation, squirting, size kink, window sex, Semi publix sex, rough sex, eye contact, (It's just a lot okay lol) (Let me know when I forgot something~)

(I hope the time-jumps aren't to bad! Sorry for gramma mistakes! Please enjoy~ 💜)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Y/N meet Namjoon, today is his birthday so be nice to him okay?", is what your mom told you back than. You saw a boy maybe 8 years old, wachting a tv show. Carefully walking towards him and sitting next to him you said, "Hello, what are you watching?". The birthday boy turned smiling to you, "Friends", he said before mustering you interesterd in who you are and where you came from. His dimples catched your eyes and you decided you liked them. "Do.. do you want to watch with me?", he asked gently, smiling at you. You nodded and turned to the tv. 'I like him!', you thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>> 7 years later <<

You went up the stairs infront of Namjoons house and ringed the bell at the door. A bit later a boy, 15 years old came out, still looking tired, "I couldn't even finish my coffee. Why are you so stressed today Y/N?", joonie, your best friend asked. You laughed and pulled out a book from your bag, giving it to him, "Happy Birthday Joonie. Isn't that the book you always wanted to read?". As he took the book from your hands, you saw him smiling. His dimpels, that you liked so much were showing. Before noticing what's happening, joonie hugged you, "GOSH! Thank you so much! I mean it Y/N! I couldn't find that book anywhere, where did you buy it?? No! Don't tell me! I-", as he rambled on, hugging you tightly a sound of a dump was heard. Than you realised the book had fallen down in the rain, "No! No! Shit!", you heard him curse while letting you go, picking the book up and running, in a hurry, back in his house to dry it.

You stood outside and laughed. 'I like him so much', you thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>> 6 years later <<

You moved out of the car and brought the last bag up the stairs, putting it infront of your door. Thanks to your university you had to move farther away from home. But finding something for you was difficult, everything was expensive. Than your smart best friend, Joonie had the idea to share one apartment as roomates. At the beginning you weren't sure about the idea, after all you had a crush on Namjoon since the last year of highschool. Beeing around him 24/7 would be hard on you. But your parents had other ideas. "Thank you for helping me", you smiled at your parents, who got back in the car. "No problem honey~ Don't worry to much, as long as it's with Namjoon there is nothing wrong with it!", your mum loved Joonie, but is that a suprise? Namjoon is handsome,tall, smart, funny and friendly. No other boy that you had met was like him. "Thats right! Namjoon is smart, he can help you with your studies and he promised me to take good care of you. From man to man!", your dad laughed at his last comment. Your mum just sighed and looked at you, with a nod that you should go. You said goodbye and went up the stairs. As you came to a hold infront of your door, you noticed that your bag was already inside. A shock overcame you and you opened the door to your apartment. In that bag was Joonie's birthday present, what if he breaks it??

You closed the door and walked in the living room, with the small kitchen. So in panic you just ran through the room and bumped into Namjoon's back, who made coffee. He got scared and looked at you confused, catching your shoulders so you didn't fall, "What are you doing?", he asked with a teasing smirk on his face. "Where is the bag? The bag that was infront of the door?", you rambled and looked around for it. Joonie looked at you concerned before answering,"In your room, but why-". Not letting him finish you just ran off in your room, checking on the bag. Well it looked fine.. Namjoon kneed next to you. Looking concered at you, than at your bag, "Why did something got stolen?". Busy opening your bag and taking the 'thing', which was wrapped into paper out. You sighed and shook your head. Carefully opening the paper and looking at the beautiful candle glass that you bought for Joonie. It was exactly his style and would fit perfectly to him."I thought it would break. I was so scared that it would shatter", you looked up at him and laughed, "No offense Joonie".His eyebrow raised as he laughed than too. Shaking his head he stood up and walked back into the kitchen, "I made coffee precious, come here have some~", the birthday boy said. 'Precious' that was your nickname from him since highschool. You loved it, it made your heart beat faster.

Standing up while taking the candle glass and the card you wrote for him with you, you walked back into the kitchen. Joonie put the cups down on the table and sat on one of the chairs. You sat down too and smiled at him, "Happy Birthday Joonie", gently you put the candle glass on the table. "I also wrote something for you, read it later~", you nodded towards the card while taking a sip from the coffee. Enjoying to see his dimples after such a long while. After highschoole ended and the holidays started you hadn't really seen each other, but now you would see each other everyday. Of course you were excited and so happy to have him around, but also very nervous. Joonie walked around the table and hugged you, hiding his face in your neck, "Thank you! This candle glass is so beautiful. How do you always know what I like?". You felt him smelling your neck, it was nothing new. After all he was a lion hybrid, what you forgot sometimes since you never talked about it openly. Namjoon didn't like talking about it. All you knew about him in this subject, you knew from his mother. Namjoon's mother was a kindhearted person. She trusted you and knew you liked his son but she also knew that it was difficult to be together with a hybrid, since they have to find the right partner to be with them forever. So what if you weren't the right one? Would Namjoon be unhappy than?

That is why his mother told you everything. She wasn't his real mum. His parents adopted him as he still was a hybrid baby. Joonie didn't know his real parents. He also never had friends besides you. His mother was thankful for everytime you protected him as he got bullied in school. Namjoons live wasn't easy. It never had been easy. Neither was it easy as his mother got in a bad accident 2 years ago. Since her death he became a lot quieter and more serious. But to you he seems still the same, he hasn't changed much while beeing with you.

Of course he hasn't, you were his light. You made his live happier. But you never saw those looks he gave you, the looks of someone who also liked you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>> Today <<

It already has been 1 year since Namjoon and you lived as roomates together and nothing changed. Actually a lot changed. You two were still best friends but closer than ever. Namjoon also met new friends. 6 boys, who did go to the same university as you do. You already met them, they're all nice, funny hybrids. 'Crazy what kind of suprises live throws at you sometimes', you always thought thinking back on how they met.Namjoon wanted to join the music club since he always had a talent for writing lycris and rapping, and so did the other 6 boys. Out of different reasons, but they all had the same goal. Wanting to make music,wanting to do what they love. You also met 'army' your best friend next to Joonie. Army and you went almost to every class together and decided to become friends. Often you all spend time together.

But now we had holidays, everyone had their own time to kill. Army went home to her parents. Some of the boys were here, some of them went home. Namjoon and you spend time together in your apartment. Like now..

It still was before noon but you sat happily chating at the table, eating your breakfast. "Did you read that book already that I gave to you last month?", he asked while slurping on his coffee. You tilted your head, "You mean the one about the 'map of the soul'? Didn't I give that back to you? Saying it was to complicated?", you took another bite from your pancake."Ahh true! You did.. But listen Y/N it isn't that complicated! Look it's just about the shadow,the ego and-", joonie tried to explain but you cut him off with a giggle."What??", he asked now pouting. You leaned over the table and caressed through his hair, "I know you're smart and you love theorys and storylines but I'm very bad at that. You should know Joonie~". Than you stood up and started to clean the kitchen. Namjoon stood up and hugged you from behind, hiding his face in your neck, "You're smart too! Let me help you precious~". You could feel your heart beat faster but tried to sound normal, "Please do~", giggling nervously you continued to wash the dishes. One thing that hasn't changed, was your crush on Namjoon. It got even worse, you were actually so in love with him.

Tomorrow was his birthday. You had to plan something special. So while laying on the couch in the living room you were so lost in your thoughts, that you didn't realise how Joonie cuddled next to you. Laying his head on your chest, hugging you gently he looked at you. Just enjoying your calming nature, your warmth and your whole beeing. You were his safe place, you were always there. You were his home, so it was just normal that he wondered what you could be thinking about. Everytime he looked at you, his heart were going crazy. You were his Love. Opening your eyes, you felt Joonie softly breathing against your neck. You both must have fallen asleep. Laying one hand on his back, you started to caresses over his back muscles. Than all of sudden you heard him growl and grab your hand in his, "Don't tease me!". You laughed in his ear, "Is someone ticklish here?", while caressing over Joonies back with your other hand. He got up on his knees and tried to grab your other hand. Noticing it before he could act, you moved your hand above you. Namjoon tried to grab after it again and started to laugh as he missed. "To slow~", you teased him and pushed his hand away. Trying to get your other hand free in the progess you pushed him slightly off the couch. As Joonie looked at you with his 'death' glare you bursted into giggels and laughs. The wrestle fight between you two continued for a few minutes longer, as like almost everytime something awkward happened.

The two of you had so much fun wrestling, enjoyed the laughs from the other that you didn't notice how close you two had become. Yours were so close to Namjoon's face that you could feel his breath on your cheek. One wrong move and it was done. Joonie finally managed to grab both your hands and grinned like a child that just got sweets, as he noticed the feeling of his lips. They were pressing against something. You stopped to giggel and just layed there, not moving at all. Your brain had left the chat. Your heart was out of control. You two kissed. Without a second thought you closed your eyes, not wanting to meet those of your crush yet. Scared what you would see, scared how he would react. Unsure about what to do you didn't make a move. Than you felt how Joonie's lips continued to kiss yours, it felt gently, soft with a bit of insecurity. Your heart jumped happily and made you kiss him back in the same way. Namjoon still held your hands in his, now pressing them over your head. It didn't hurt, it felt good, dangerously good.

After a few seconds of passionatly making out you heard Namjoons phone go off, that layed on the kitchen table. Both shocked, acting like children they just got caught by their parents doing something forbidden you jumped apart. Joonie stood up, the blush on his face clearly visible, "U-Uh..Sorry Y/N..I..I will look who it is", he said, quickly walking over to take his phone call and to stop the annoying ringtone. As Namjoon was out of the room your brain started to work again. 'WHAT JUST HAPPENED??', you asked yourself,slight panic overcame your body and you stood up. You needed a shower now! You just took your towel with you and went to the bathroom. While opening and closing the door you were so busy thinking how to behave infront of your best friend now, you forgot to lock the door.

'Best Friends huh?', you thought while starting the warm water. 'What are we now? Best friends don't do this kind of stuff! Maybe Best friends with benefits?..No No! We didn't go that far!’, while showering your mind all of sudden started to imagine Namjoon's body infront of your eyes. You saw him a few times walking around without a shirt, he looked so good. Those arm muscles were something else. You often thought about him lifting you up, pressing you against the wall, fucking you against the-.. 'STOP! Get it together Y/N! You can't go crazy just because of one kiss!', you shook your head, trying to forget those thoughts. 'Well it was more like a make out not just a kiss! But his lips felt so soft and the way his strong hand was holding both of mine..', you sighed and almost got teary eyed. You still had no idea how to look in Namjoon's eyes ever again. Lord.. this was so awkward.

After you were done you moved out of the shower door, grabbing the towel. Suddenly the bathroom door opened and a shirtless, just in boxers Joonie was standing there. Mouth agape, eyes almost falling out, blinking a few times and not moving. He just stared at you.

You stared back at him, forgetting you were naked. You couldn't help but to check this fine man out. He was perfect, from his hair to his legs. Namjoon always had a beautiful body. You knew since you saw him back in highschool on the pool. Oh boy, you never would forget this day. The day your crush on Namjoon almost got exposed. Back than you thought it was just a crush, it would go away soon. That was why you behaved openly about it, lucky for you Namjoon was still oblivious back than. He never noticed the looks you gave him, the compliements you made him or the way you got jelaous over other girls. On that pool day you were so excited to see Namjoon shirtless without it beeing weird or awkward. But that feeling was short lived as you saw another girl make out with him in the corner. All your hope got shattered in one second. You didn't know what you had expected, you were just a friend.

Later on you didn't talk to Joonie for 3 days. He always wanted to talk to you, worried what was wrong but you avoided him. After a week you slowly talked again and everything was normal. From him you got to know about his first heat and that he had it with that girl he made out in the pool. You came to the conclusion never to speak about your feelings to him. You weren't a virgin either so you couldn't blame him.

You lost your virginity to one of your friends, Namjoon's friend. Hoseok. He knew about your love towards Namjoon. Everytime you got hurt Hoseok was there. One day, you were so down from seeing Namjoom with this girl that you were crying in a corner were nobody saw you. But someone did. Someone saw you. For someone you were all he could see. To Hoseok you were a Sunshine, beautiful, bright and all he could see. Hoseok found you in that dark, lonely corner and helped you out of it, out of that party. Well, after that Hoseok helped you to make Namjoon jelaous but instead of solving your crush, you slept with Hoseok and had a short realtionship with him. 3 months than it also was over because Namjoon lost his mother. Of course you were at his side, day and night, 24/7, not caring for anyone else at that time. You didn't even care for yourself. You were starving for him. It was unhealthy, Namjoon felt horrible and so did you. All that came to your mind as you saw Joonie standing there shirtless.

Step. Step. Step. You heard Namjoon moving towards you but you didn't move. Paralyzed from the emotions you felt. Frustration,shy, sad but also hot. It was so hot, you could feel how your clit pulsed. "You will catch a cold precious~", joonie said in a soft but deeper voice than usually. He wrapped the towel around you and started to dry your hair gently. Not saying anything else, just helping you calm down, finding your braincells again. "Didn't you bring clothes to change?", he asked looking at you. You shook your head, holding the towel tighter against your body. Joonie laughed, "You're so cute.. I will bring you clothes, wait here~", he said while walking out of the bathroom. Sitting down on the bathtub you waited for him to come back. 'Did I just get horny from him seeing me naked?', you thought, feeling yourself get wet. You couldn't help yourself but to let one hand wander under the towel, caressing over your wet pussy. Playing a bit with your clit, not thinking about Namjoon who could come in any second. You were so turned on. As you heard the door opened you moved your hand quickly back to the towel, looking the most innocent as possible.

"Here, wear that. Its mine.. but I didn't know what to bring you.. all I could find was panties and some socks", joonie stuttered while holding towards you a white shirt and some boxers. "T-They are washed and comfy..", he said while looking at you smiling a bit. You took them and smiled back, "Thank you~". Than you just stared at each other. You didn't wanted him to leave but also didn't wanted to make the situation more weird than it already was. "C-Can I.. Can I help you?", he asked all of sudden while scratching the back of his neck. Looking shy, so adorable. At your confused look he repeated himself more clearly, "Can I help you.. putting your clothes on?". Your mind went blank but you nodded. 'What?', you asked yourself at the same time. 'No! Not now.. I need to go to my room', you bit your lip but your body didn't move a bit. As soon as you felt Namjoon's hands on your shoulders you threw every thought of not wanting this out of the window. You wanted him to touch you. Namjoon carefully started to dry your back with the towel until he reached your ass. Without asking he just grabbed your ass in his big hands and massaged them dry too. "Turn around", he whispered in your ear, his voice gave your chills it sounded so deep. Listening to him you turned around, now your face against his chest. Your eyes looked away to not get caught of beeing horny af.

Namjoon started to dry your shoulders and moved down, grabbing your breasts through the towel and gently rubbing them dry. You tried your best to act normal but failed, as a moan past your lips as he massaged your nippels through the towel. Namjoon didn't stop, he rubbed your stomatch dry and moved down to your thighs, leaving the rest of your body visible.

Biting your lip at the sight you had, Namjoon kneed infront of your thighs, on the same height as your pussy was. The thought alone of him eating you out, almost made you moan again. He rubbed your legs dry and than all off sudden you heard a growl and felt his head pushing between your thighs.

'He is a hybrid! Of course he would smell it!', than it came to you. That's why he was acting like this. Namjoon was about to go in his heat. That all makes sense now. But before you could give it more thought you felt backwards, almost falling into the bathtub. You catched yourself against the wall and couldn't help but to let out another moan. Joonie started to lick against your clit. If you didn't stop him he would eat you out and for sure regret it later. Hybrids in heat tend to lose theirselves in their lust and desire. But that wasn't as easy as you thought, since you were wet as well. Your body screamed for more.

"You taste so good Y/N~ Your smell drives me crazy! Let me have more?", joonie leaned away, looking up at you with blown eyes. Before you could answer you felt one of his fingers gently push into your hole, "You're so wet without me doing anything. You want this too right?". Than he removed his finger and brought it back up to his lips and licked it. "Mhh~", he sucked on it, smirking as he was standing up. Your eyes were now on the perfect height with his crotch. The outline of his semi hard cock was already visible on his boxers. "See? You did this to me Y/N! Since 1 year you tease me and made me wait. But I can't wait anymore! I want to have you as mine~ Please let me have you?", Namjoon asked while rubbing his hand against the outline of his cock. What should you do? You wanted him, like he wanted you. Your hole was clenching now that it had a taste of what it could have. Taking a deep breath you made your descion, "Let's move to the bed first okay Joonie? I'm a bit uncomfortable here~", you said while trying to stand up.

Namjoons ears, that caught your eyes now like how for the first time you saw them, twitched up at your words. Your struggle of standing up ended as his two strong, buff arms lifted you up and carried you out of the bathroom. Your legs moved around his, as you hugged him and enjoyed the touch. You could smell his perfuem, he smelled so good.

Than you felt a spank at your bare ass, "Don't get to comfortable there princess~", he teased, half growled while walking into his room, not closing the door. Namjoon carried you over towards his bed, on the window. He dropped you and leaned over you, starting to kiss you again. This time it felt different, it felt wanted, desired and passionated. You closed your eyes and kissed him back, laying your arms around his back. Caressing through his hair you felt his lips move down your neck, kissing it, sucking it and leaving a few hickeys on it. Than he kissed down your chest, leaving hickeys here and there too, while Joonie's hands gently massaged your breasts, circeling your nippels. The moment you felt a tug on one of your nippels you moaned and qickly bit your lip afterwards. You enjoyed that feeling so much that your nippels got hard, rubbing your thighs together and moaning as he pressed his lips to one of your breasts, sucking on the nippel. You tossed your head from one side to the other. Joonie's lips felt so good on your skin. You loved beeing marked, you loved beeing his.

After all this years, where you made yourself cum over and over again while imagine this situation, you finally could make it reality. You for sure looked fucked out, eyes blown wide, hair messed up, hickeys everywhere, nippels hard and your pussy was dripping wet.

"P-Please more Joonie~", you whined as he still played with your nippels. Namjoon looked up to you and what he saw made his dick just harder. You looked so good under him, he would ruined you more. His dick painfully pressed against his boxers at the thought of finally taking you. Finally you would be his. Not Hoseoks! His! How he hated the thought of seeing you with him. Namjoon liked Hoseok, they're friends. But he never would forgive himself for noticing the love he felt for you not sooner. For leting Hoseok having you first. Now you would be his! His forever. He wanted to breed you one day, but now it was to early. "Be carefull what you wish for princess~", he said while kissing down to your legs, spreading them gently. "Your smell is driving me insane. You're so beautiful!", he growled and started to kissing your thighs, leaving hickeys all over them. Namjoon moved one finger through your slit, to your hole and started circeling it. He loved to see you whine and beg under him. His dominace came out to play, in such times. You loved his dominate side. Or how would army call that? Duality! Yes! You loved his Duality!

"What do you want precious? You have to tell me otherwise Daddy doesn't know~", joonie whispered against your clit, he gave it a gently lick. You moaned, wanting to close your legs. Joonie held them open and did the same thing again. "Is that what you want? Want me to lick your clit? To suck it and flick it with my tongue until you are sore?". He did it again, this time adding more pressure on your clit. Your legs started to shake as you moaned louder, "Please daddy!~ Please put your fingers in me! Play with my clit!", your voice gave out as you begged. Namjoon growled and pushed his head in your cunt. At his limit to control himself any longer, he pushed 2 fingers gently in your hole and let you adjust to them. His tongue sucked your clit and flicked it all few seconds. He loved your moans, the way your legs were shaking and your walls clenched around his fingers. After a few seconds he started to move his fingers in and out at the steady pace, which got faster in minutes. Joonie tried to thrust them as deeply as possible, making the 'come here' gesture. You couldn't help but to moan loudly, your mind was blank, the only thing you could think off was Namjoon and his long fingers. The only thing that you could hear was your moans and the wet, dirty noises from your pussy. Namjoon's fingers fucked you at a insane speed. You were so close, your legs started to shake more. You caressed your hands through his hair. "Are you close princess? You're clenching so much! Cum! Cum on my tongue! Let me taste you~", he whispered as sucked more on your clit, biting it slightly, carefully. Than you just saw white, something in you snapped and you let your head fall into namjoons pillow. You just came, all over namjoons tongue and fingers,even the sheets were wet. You squirted.

"Did my precious girl just squirt for me?", Joonie said while looking up at your hard breathing face. You tried to calm down, to figure out what just happened but you had no chance as Namjoon moved his fingers slowly again. "I wonder if you can do that again? You came so quickly, maybe you can squirt again? Come on! Show me your dirty side precious~", joonie sounded not like himself. It was the lion speaking. The lion that he hold back for all those years finally was free now and it wanted everything you could offer.

Namjoon flicked your clit once again, sucking on it a bit more. His fingers thrusting into you at a faster speed. You didn't know what do to with yourself other than just to moan and push your cunt against his fingers, wanting to feel more. "You want even more? What a naughty girl you are! Are you that needy to be filled? Than come on! Take one finger more~ I will fill your needy hole!", joonie pushed one more finger in your dripping pussy. All three fingers were moving deep inside you, while the flicks on your clit just got more intense. Than your eyes rolled back and you came again. All over his fingers, more wetness dripped down your ass over to the sheets. "What a good girl you are! You deserve to have my cocķ! But let me clean you up first precious", namjoon said as he removed his fingers from your hole and licked them clean. Joonie leaned down and started to lick your hole , "You made such a mess~ Everything is wet because of that needy pussy of yours~", he slightly pushed his tongue in your hole, moved it around a bit. You whined and bit your lip as you felt his tongue inside, moving deeper. It felt so good but also so new to you.

After a few seconds he leaned away and moved away from your cunt, "Are you ready to get owned by daddy? Are you ready to be filled precious?", joonie asked while removing his boxers. His cock jumped out and your eyes grew wide. It was huge. You wanted to have it in your mouth, you wanted to suck him off. Just as you were about lean up, Namjoon pushed you down in the matress again, "Next time princess! I can't wait anymore! I need to feel your thight walls around me! Get ready precious Daddy will push his cock into you now~". You could feel the tip of his dick sliding up and down on your cunt, as he looked at you. "Look at me when I take you! Look into my eyes as my cock spreads you apart! I want to see your face when I pount into you and hit your sweet spot~", joonie moaned and grabbed my chin, to make me look at him. You got fluestered as you saw his eyes, dark and wild but beautiful and full of love.

Soon you felt his tip pushing into you, before with a 'plop' his whole, huge cock was inside. You felt so full, but in a good way. Even if it's burnt a bit in the beginning, after seconds you just felt incredible pleasure. The need to be fucked, to be ruined. "P-please move joonie~", you moaned while he leaned over you. Namjoon grabbed both of your hands and pinned them over your head,he hold them together without even trying. "I told you to be carefull with what you wish for precious~ Now you gonna get it!", he growled and started to move his hips in a hard and deep pace. You throw your head back again and moaned at the feeling. Namjoon hit your g-spot everytime he thrusted deeo into you. Your walls felt so warm and clenched around him. "Do you feel this?", he asked while giving one hard thrust, hitting your g-spot. "Next time I will breed you and fuck my seed deep inside your pretty pussy", he growled while getting faster and leaning down, kissing you. You couldn't help but to scream at his new pace, kissing him back passionatly. You were close, you would cum for the third time today. With him now pounding into you, having his eyes closed and moaning himself you just couldn't control yourself at this sight. You screamed Namjoon's name and came again. With that Namjoon stopped and leaned down to your ear.

"What a needy princess you are~ You came again and you still clenching around my cock~ Are you okay precious? Do you want more?", joonie kissed your ear gently and sucked on it a bit. You were so fucked out but you wanted to feel him cum too, wanted to pleasure him too, "I want you too cum too, Joonie Please use me!~", you whispered in his ear and kissed it too.

Namjoons hand caressed your cheek, pulling out of you, "Turn around than! Kneel over the beed, face to the window". Doing what he said, you had the perfect few out of the glass window. You were high up so there was no chance for someone to actually see you, but you could see people walking by, sitting on their desks and eating food. It made you just more wet. The thought of someone might see you getting fucked against a window turned you on.A spank against your ass made you whine and you forgot all those thoughts you had. "Lean forward! Press your breasts against the window!", he caressed over your back. You followed every word he said, now hissing at the feeling of the cold glass against your hard nippels.

Busy with geting used to the new feeling you weren't ready when Namjoon pushed his cock back into you. He pushed deep inside your cunt, leaning over you. You could feel his breath against your ear, over the back of your neck. "Do you like this precious? Does it turn you on that those people could see you naked, getting fucked by me?", he whispered in your ear while slowly starting to thrust into you. With every thrust your breasts bounced and rubbed against the window. You moaned and glass started to blurr. A few minutes later Joonie was fucking into you faster,you could feel his balls slappinh against your clit everytimd he pushed in. You closed your eyes and moaned louder, not seeing clear anymore. "Open your eyes princess! Look at this women with her child!", he growled while spanking your ass, he loved the way it jiggled everytime. Scared to got caught you opened them and looked down, out of the window to a bit older women than your mum. "What would you do if your mum saw us like this? Would you cum infront of her? Would she still think I'm a good school boy?", with every word joonie thrustes deep into you than pulling almost completly out and thrusting deep into you again. This had you screaming and the thought alone made you cum again. You let yourself fall against the window and tried to catch your breath. "See I knew you would squirt for me again~ What a good girl~ Now let me cum on your ass precious!", namjoon moaned while grabbing my hips and pouding into you like the lion he is. A few minutes later he whispered in your ear, "Happy Birthday to me", than he pulled out and came all over your red ass. You had just enough strenght to lift your gaze out of the window to the clock. It was 1 minute past midnight, Namjoons birthday was today and you had no present.

You were so tired. You hadn't noticed when Joonie stood up and came back with a wet towel and clothes to get you cleaned up. "Are you okay precious? Was I to rough? Let me help you", he caressed through you hair and lifted you up to lay your head on the pillow. You yawned and shook your head, "You were perfect joonie~". Namjoon cleaned you up and smiled at your words, "Everything I said was true. I love you Y/N! I hope you know that!", he sat next to you and wanted to put the clothes on you. As you heard the words you always wanted to hear, the words you already gave up on to hear, you jumped up suddenly wide awake. You craweld on his lap and grabbed his cheeks in both your hands, "WHAT? Say that again!", you thought that you had dreamt he said it and you just looked like a psycho now. But that thought changed as he took your hands in his, "I love you Y/N! I always have. I always wanted to be more than friends. Please be mine?". You jaw dropped not knowing how to react. "Love- I- do- too", came out and than you kissed him. This time the kiss felt complete. Namjoon chuckled and kissed your back,still holding your hands as he pulls you closer. You ended up falling asleep in the same bed, cuddling each other that night. The night on Namjoons birthday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>> 5 years later <<

The last the day of your study live, that was today for you and for your boyfriend Namjoon. He already got your present, the other boys, your friend army and you gave him a huge birthday cake with a song they prepared called, >"Magic shop". It was such a sweet, beautiful song. Namjoon cried on your shoulder as he heard that song, he was so happy and touched. But of course he would get his 'special' present today night from you.

"Now, before we say goodbye and I let you leave this classroom, tell me where do you see yourself in 10 years?", asked our class teacher for the last years. As Namjoon's answer came up he said, "I want to be a dad", while looking at you, smiling before looking at the teacher who laughed. You got fluestered and looked first at your friend army, who smirked and clapped with the rest of the boys and than back at Namjoon who winked at you.

After a while your turn came up, already knowing what you wanted you said, "I want to be a mum", winking back at your boyfriend Joonie. More clapping was heard and army started to laugh. Namjoon was the one blushing now and looked down at his calender. It said September 12th.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

( I hope you enjoyed~💜 )

548 notes · View notes

stargaze-issei · 4 years ago

Text

— "𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞" (𝐛. 𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; when your father, the head of the japanese mafia, was killed, your childhood friend swore to protect you till his death. now, you're the empress of the underground world, and he doesn't know what's harder, to keep you safe or manage to hide his feelings. what will he do when, for the first time, your life's at risk and he isn't anywhere near?

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; mafia!au, angst.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; swearing, mentions of blood, guns, murder, kidnap, yk... mafia stuff.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭; 2.7k

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; lemme know if u want a part two bc i felt like it was getting too long and i don't know if anyone will read it or like it 👉🏻👈🏻

"where the fuck are you?" bakugou's voice stroke over the phone, noticeably angry. he had told you several times to never go anywhere without him, which you mostly did, if it weren't for him being away a lot of times. nothing less was expected from your right hand, who handled every dirty job, and considering your line of work, it wasn't scarce. but you did had other bodyguards, just as trained as katsuki, willing to give their lifes for you, which was extremely better than having bakugou giving his life.

to his eyes, you were still the little girl from before. he saw you as a someone who needed protection. at first, you agreed. your father was murdered, someone managed to get through all his security and killed him, none of the guns he and his security team carried around could protect him, killing you would be like stealing a sweet from a baby. bakugou had always kept you safe, despite his agressive usual safe, he cared about you more than he cared for himself. so you stuck to his side, believing, hoping, he'd die for you. but that was a long time ago, now, you could defend yourself, and had raised a sense of loyalty in your people by your own. your father's empire was based in fear, yours? by admiration. you didn't see your people as working ants, but as important parts of a whole. still, anyone who was a threat to you, bakugou made sure to erase them forever.

"don't talk to me like that, i'm your boss" you could feel him losing his shit, a smile began to form in your face. even when everyone respected you, he was still the same.

"you can't boss anyone if you're fucking dead, you dumb shit" a laugh came out of your throat, he couldn't avoid smiling at the sound "wait, oh, okay, i know we're you are. stay there, i'll be in three" he hung up before you could reply.

you looked back, at one of your guards who was just putting away his phone. of course they told him. why couldn't you go get your own coffee? being in the office all day was tiring, to be five minutes outside was all you asked for. a few seconds after, they handed you your coffee, obviously, a guard had to try it first, in case that barista wanted to suddenly murder you. of course he didn't.

"who let her go outside without me knowing, huh?" a furious katsuki appeared through the door, making a scene in the place. you gave him a warning look. if there was something you hated, was that. everyone in the area knew who you were, but why make it any more obvious. those people were just living their usual lifes, and people tend to get nervous around you. "the car is waiting outside" he understood, but you knew he was going to scold you anyways.

you walked outside, smiling, and got into the car, followed by katsuki and one of his subordinates, the other one got in the front sit, next to the driver.

"save it, i'm n–"

"the fuck you are" he cut you "your safety is my responsibility, if i say you can't go out without me, then you fucking don't. specially not when there are people after your head" there was no denying he was right, but still, it upset you.

"there's always people after my head, bakugou".

two weeks ago, two men went into your office. they were in charge of some dealing territories, though small, important. most contraband had to pass those places, you controlled those police departments making everything easier to your truck drivers. they were beaten, cover in blood and barely standing.

"our men, all of them... they all..." only one of them could talk, the other being too shocked to even look at you. "kazuhito's men, it was them... they said we had to tell you, they're coming after you" you couldn't show any fear in front of your so called soldiers, and your template remained at ease. a shout was enough to get those men the help they needed, after holding their hands, you promised to go see them once they were checked by doctors. you called bakugou as soon as they left, he was the first who should know and help you decide what to do next.

the kazuhito family had always been rivals, enemies of the worst kind. everyone suspect they were behind your father's assassination, but with no proof, even you knew it would be the biggest mistake to charge against them, despite your personal desires.

"i already told the drivers they had to take rout b for a while, but we can't let them just keep what's our" you explained to katsuki once he arrived. "those drugs have to get in town by us, damnit". it was clear how frustrated you were, those assholes had mess with your and your father's hardwork.

"if we retaliate, a war will unchain. your father tried to avoid that for years"

"and see how he ended up" bakugou didn't know if it was the anger, or you talking. "we will lose everyone's respect if we don't do something, they killed dozens of our people, katsuki".

he was trying hard to stay objective in that situation, but it was near impossible. a war would put you in more danger than ever, your life was at stake, and bakugou wasn't sure if he was willing to risk it. growing up by your side, your father taking him in when his parents died, you were his only family. more than that, he loved you. the only reason he was able to do his job right, was the fear of losing you. your head was already valued in millions, how could he protect you in the middle of a conflict, that would end only with your death or the kazuhito's leader's death? your power was bigger than theirs by little, but they did something that reckless, which meant they thought they had out powered you. had they? or were they just bluffing? had they miscalculated?.

"we're taking action, wether you support me or not" you looked into each other's eyes, you knew him enough to understand his fear, just not the reason behind it. your voice softened "but i'd much rather do it with you by my side".

"you're the boss" he spoke, already regretting it "i'll schedule a meeting so the high charges let everyone else know, i'm staying at your place so we can trace a plan".

and there you were now, being reprimanded by bakugou. he was extremely tired, he decided to stay with you until things were calmer, which could be several months from then. getting up at six a.m, going to sleep past midnight, being always looking for possible threats, it had given him bags under his eyes.

"i'm sorry" you said once you were alone with him, it was only then that you could let your guard down "i'm making this harder for you".

"yeah, you are. but it's my job, after all" that came out wrong, he thought. it wasn't his job, it was his fucking life purpose. he wanted you to live a long, happy life, as hard as it seemed.

"i guess it is" deep down, his response disappointed you.

"hey, look at me" out of nowhere, his body was insanely close to yours, you felt his breath in your face as he lifted your chin with his finger "there's nothing i wouldn't do for you, got that, dumbass?"

for a brief moment, the taste of his lips was all you could think about. i bet they're soft. but as fast as it started, it was over, katsuki pulled away harshly, inventing an excuse to leave. he had flown too close to the sun, so close that it burned his skin.

a few more people went to see you that day, asking for diverse permissions, advice and stuff like that. since it had been slow, compared to other times, you decided to home early. a call to your team, and the car was already outside. bakugou left instructions for your departure, because he had things to do somewhere else, much to his displeasure. you were accompanied by your escorts to the doors of the building, that seemed like a normal office compound. there were waiting two other guards, making a total of six people protecting you. way to go, bakugou.

"how's your wife, ryota?" you asked the driver. of course, not everyone fitted in the same car, so you got into the second one, middle seat, between a built up woman and a big man. you tried to remember everyone's name, but it was difficult.

"she's good, ma'am, sends her regards" he smiled at you over the mirror.

"and the baby? he must be a month old, right?" at the memory of his child, his face lightened "you should take some days off, i bet your wife and son miss you"

"i have a duty with you, m–" a loud impact interrupted him, the front glass had exploded. the car had an abrupt movement back and forward, all you could see was blood, everywhere.

the woman next to you took her gun out, in order to protect you , you thought, completely wrong. before everyone could react to her act, she shot the guard in front of you. you looked at your side, searching for someone alive, the same bullet that had killed ryota was in the guard's at your right forehead. besides you , the only other person was that woman. if she hadn't glasses on, that stare could've seen throughout your soul. then you remembered, katsuki made you bare with a knife under your sleeve. with a weird move, you felt its sharpness against your skin, it was there, but she read you like a book. before you could even pull it out, another shot stroke followed by a intense pain in you thight. the bitch had shot you. you blamed it on the adrenaline, because nothing hurt. what happened after was a couple of blurry images in your memory.

bakugou had called you more than a hundred times, you, the drivers, the guards, everyone in his fucking team, but no one knew anything. the cameras at your house never showed you arriving, your phone's location was off. he was out of his head, if he didn't hear from you in the next five minutes, someone's going to die. he rushed into his car, following your rout at a dangerous speed.

both cars were full of bullet holes, and every guard he had hired was dead. there wasn't a place without blood. tears of pure rage came to his eyes, fuck, it was his fault. he started to look for you, but the whole world was spinning around him. where were you? where was your body? were you alive?, this couldn't be happening. he had left you unprotected, alone, and now you could be dead, because of his uselessness. his phone vibrated in his pocket.

"sir, we– we have– the kazuhito's are here" he left as fast as he came. they had touch you, they had taken you away from him, and he wasn't going to let them get away with it, even if he had to go against a whole army, whoever was behind it all was going to pay.

a man in a suit was sitting in the chair of your office, smoking a cigarette, as calm as a rock. katsuki was so close to rip his head of right there, that somebody had to hold him down. his own people updated him, saying that he had gone into the building alone, with no weapons of any kind, not even a cellphone.

"where the fuck is she?" he crashed his hand against the desk.

"ah, mr. bakugou, please take a se–"

"tell me where she is right now if you want to keep your head, fucking bastard" his hand had wondered to the tip of the gun in his belt, menacing to blow up at any second.

"you won't do that, mr., if i don't return to my people in one hour, she'll be so fucked up that not even you will recognize her" a laugh surge grom bakugou, a dark, cold laugh.

"i don't have to kill you, then" one of the man's hand rested in the desk, like asking for katsuki to rip it off his body. as you did, he also carried knifes under his shirt. in less than a second, one of them was buried into the man's hand. he screamed, both in shock and pain, giving your bodyguard a hatred look. "what do you want, shitface?"

"i-it's quite simple, actually" his face was white as paper, and even though he wanted to talk normally, his voice shivered "we want you to take over the y/l/n's business, under our command of course" he let out a sigh, trying to keep his composure and ignoring his bleeding hand "if you– if you agree, she will have to leave japan and never..."

bakugou won't agree to that. not now and not ever. to give away what you and your father built from scratch, and spent decades keeping safe, was like killing your child, and your father's memory. to send you away, alone, where he most likely won't see you again in years, was also off the table. it wasn't funny anymore. he started walking around the man's chair, picking up his sleeves. he checked the clock in the office, he had forty-five minutes with the man, meaning, forty-five minutes to make him talk. he ressourced to every fast interrogation method he knew. the people outside the door weren't surprised when they heard the man's screams, even wondering what had taken so long for the boss to start acting. katsuki was never a patient man. his senses were blocked, he couldn't hear anything but screams and begging, all his eyes could see was pain through all the man's body, his hands felt nothing but warm blood. but for the first time in a while, he wasn't enjoying it. he was doing it out of need, the need to save you. every minute that went by, was a minute were your life risked. he never felt so close to losing his sanity.

"outside the city! she's in one of our safe houses outside the city! i don't know which, please stop!" ten minutes before the timeline he finally gave up. your intelligence had all their safe houses, storages, garages, every location needed. not a second passed when one of yours men delivered a map with all the points marked. there were five in total.

"throw him outside in ten minutes" he shouted, walking to the armory "two teams, six people each, my fucking people, hear me? now, dammit! we're leaving in a minute, if i have to go by my fucking self, i'll do it"

when he was armed to the teeth, almost a dozen of people followed him outside. they were his most trusted men and women, being trained together, he knew they were as skilled as him, and they were all willing to put their life's at stake for you, their boss. in the car, bakugou barked the instructions. he had narrowed it down to two possible locations with all the information he had. if they had to kill every person in those places, then be it. he's going to get you back.

413 notes · View notes

obaewankenope · 4 years ago

Note

Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

#Kat replies #ADHD #Neurodiversity #Neurodiverse #Autism #Mental health #Disability

43 notes · View notes

expatesque · 3 years ago

Note

i have a confession.

to make a long story short, one of the closest friends i have i've known since high school. i had a massive crush on her then that slowly faded once we went to college. as this was happening, my priorities changed dramatically when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. then, soon after, covid hit, and for a very long time i couldn't see anyone, too afraid for my immunocompromised mother.

a few months back, my mom passed. and it's broken me, i've had such a hard time coping. for two years, she had to be the center of my universe and suddenly, my sun has gone out. in this time, my friend and i have gotten so much closer, and i think i'm beginning to fall in love with her. but it's so hard to characterize whether or not i truly am falling in love with her, or if i'm somehow trying to fill this gaping hole my mom has left behind. she's been here for me, held me at my darkest moments, and laughed with me at my highest. she's beautiful, and she doesn't deserve to have someone so unsure pining away after her.

is there anything i can do? :( much love

Oh babe, first of all I'm so sorry to hear about your mother - what a difficult loss. I agree with you that it may be best to approach this with some caution, because (with very reasonable cause) you're likely a bit messed up right now.

It is completely possible that you've fallen for your friend - after all, life isn't all split into bad and good parts and sometimes the worst and best things walk together.

It is also possible that your friend being there for you during the hardest time in your life has made everything a little fuzzy and while you really appreciate and adore her, you're not romantically in love.

But what is definitely true is that you need a some time to deal with the death of your mom.

So that is what I would you recommend you concentrate on first. If you haven't read it before, I really recommend digging through the Dear Sugar column, starting here. The writer also lost her mother at a similar time to you and I hope some of her experiences resonate.

I would give yourself a time frame, not to 'move on' from this but to help start and bookend a period of your life where you sit with your grief and allow it to be more of a focus in your life. For this, I particularly like the Jewish tradition where, as far as I understand it, the year after the death of parent is split into distinct phases where you do various things for the first 7 days, the first month, and the first year. Naturally I don't recommend you follow this tradition exactly but I like the idea of (i) giving yourself a full year of grief, where taking some time to recognize the grief is part of your daily life, and (ii) dividing that first year into stages where the time spent with grief gradually reduces. But that's just me - you should do whatever works for you, just make sure you're taking some time to let yourself really feel the grief and not focusing on 'getting over it' as fast as possible but also do try to time bound this period to help give yourself some structure.

During this time while you're with your grief, I recommend mentally setting romance off the table with your friend. You're right, your friend deserves someone who knows what they want and that isn't, and can't be, you right now. But when you've finished with your dedicated initial grieving time, and you've given your grief space so that it no longer is consuming you, you should hopefully be in a much better position to judge your feelings. And you should also be in a better position to be a romantic partner to someone. So that's what I would do: focus on yourself and your grief for a time, and revaluate romance once you're in a better place.

Good luck love, I'm in your corner.

#sending you all the love and virtual hearty but comforting meals frozen into individual portion sizes #correspondence #grief #ask away

4 notes · View notes

stay-tinystars · 4 years ago

Text

She's a what??

Ship: Wooyoung(idol) x female Vampire (unnamed)

Comedy/crazy fic!

Warnings: biting, blood, immortality, slight cursing, vampire, it's a really stupid vampire x idol au.

A/N: this is probably the stupidest weirdest fic I've ever written. This is my take on vampires. TMI I've always enjoyed looking at necks, and Wooyoung of ateez has a very very nice neck. So I wrote this crack fic because of a discussion I was having with @ateez-angel

I hope you all enjoy this crack fic. It's very random, and obviously very untrue, and a work of complete fiction.

Word count: ~1.2k

As an immortal it was a good thing to keep moving. Never being someplace too long, of course looking to be in my early twenties helped. I could always be a student attending college abroad, or a new girl who had moved from a small city. I'd done many random jobs, internships, at one point I even joined a nunnery. Having traveled the world I enjoyed the small things like the smell of small bakeries, the sound of amusement parks, the crackling of an open fire.

Most people thought of vampires as creepy, blood sucking creatures, only wanting to suck people dry. Bursting into flames if they stepped into a church (which is why the nunnery was always funny to me). I never fit that description. I also found human food to be quite tasty. I was the uncommon vampire, who had been around for centuries. I was grateful for modern day things, like airplanes, but mostly I was grateful for the fact that humans now bathed regularly.

I had seen things come to be that were now in museums. In fact I'm pretty sure one of the books on display in the Trinity college library was originally mine.

Well enough of my rambling, I'm here to tell you the story of how I accidentally created another immortal after 370 years. How can you accidentally turn someone immortal, you ask? Well that's why I'm here to explain. I really didn't mean to turn Wooyoung immortal. I really didn't, but with a neck like that, how could I not be tempted.

It was your average day in Seoul. I was working at the Jamsil Arena, setting up for another concert stage. This job was quite nice, away from direct sunlight, and worked well for my current 'life' of interning to work doing lighting for concerts. Being an intern I mostly set the lights up, and tested them. That is when I saw him for the first time as he and the 7 others walked on the stage for rehearsal. I had seen my share of k pop idols, they all were fit, young, and talented. However the one with a loud voice and cackling laugh, he drew me in. Wooyoung was what he said his name was, as they all introduced themselves to the stage hands. His aura, his smirk, that jawline, it was all beautiful, but his neck was so tempting. I could feel my small fangs sneak out slightly further than usual as I watched them perform. I tightened my lips as I adjusted the lights during their rehearsal.

I hadn't had human blood straight from the source in over 50 years. Most of my blood fuel came from blood sausage and rare steak. Tonight I'd definitely need a rare steak.

"Hey" I felt someone tap my shoulder, bringing me out of my thoughts, back to work. I turned around and saw him standing mere centimeters from me. "Sorry to interrupt, but they said you could help. My transmitter for my mic isn't connecting correctly"

"Well. I usually only deal with the lighting, but I'll see what I can do" I offered, trying not to stare. He was a masterpiece. I held out my hand, expecting the transmitter, and only getting Wooyoung's hand.

"My name is Wooyoung" he smiled as he squeezed my hand.

"It's a pleasure," I responded. He just swung my hand with his. "Can I have your transmitter to see if I can get it to connect"

"Oh yeah, here you go" he pulled it out of its holder, with his other hand effortlessly, never dropping my hand.

"I'll need both hands" I said slightly giggling as I took the transmitter. His ears reddened as he loosened his grip, dropping my hand. I turned it on, and pressed a few buttons. Trying to remember all the things I'd learned over the years of how these things worked. "OK, try talking," I said.

"Hello" he said, and the sound of his voice echoed through the stadium. "Cool, it's fixed."

At this point I doubted it was ever broken, but I handed it back to him.

"How can I repay you?" He asked as he switched it off.

"I don't think it was ever broken" I smirked.

"Well how else was I supposed to start a conversation with you?" His eyes looking at mine.

"Maybe just a hello?"

"That's too ordinary"

"I suppose it is, for you at least" I had to admit this boy intrigued me. He was different than most humans I had encountered. He seemed to skip steps in the getting to know you process.

"I'd still like to repay you." He grinned. "Maybe I can buy you dinner"

This was difficult. I hadn't been this drawn to someone in over a century, and I couldn't do anything about it. I just did my best to play my role as a young twenty something. He flirted relentlessly through texts, I responded in kind. That's all we did for a month was text. I ate a lot of rare steak.

Soon enough he started inviting me over to the dorm. That is one thing that's true about vampires we must be invited, luckily Wooyoung invited me everywhere with him. The relationship blossomed quick. My feelings for him deepened, much further than just the lust of it all.

Everything went fine until one late night we got caught in the rain as we walked. I had truly fallen for this strange beautiful man. We were walking when I slipped, and he caught me. I found my arms around his neck, his beautiful beautiful neck. It probably looked as if he was dipping me during some odd slow dance in the rain.

He moved in closer as he pulled me up. Our lips ghosting each other. My fangs started protruding, I couldn't stand the temptation anymore, I opened my mouth, a cruel smile taking hold of my features. His face changed from one of caring, to one confusion.

"I've always noticed you have what look like fangs, but tonight they seem bigger" he said quietly, his eyes growing larger.

He was going to become my drug, and I knew it. I smiled wider, then dove for his neck. His beautiful neck, his neck flexed, his SCM tight as I bit him.

His scream brought me out of thoughts. "What the hell! That hurts!" He yelled. I couldn't drain this man, so I did the next best thing. I pulled back slightly and bit hard on my own lip. My blood mixing with his, in my mouth, I then went back to his neck, and sucked. Mixing my blood with his against his neck. I pulled back looking at him and smiling. His hand flew to his neck, he pulled it away covered in the wet red blood.

"I knew you said you liked my neck before, but what the hell! Most people don't draw blood when giving a hickey. It almost felt like you were sucking my blood!" I smiled at his ignorance.

"Wooyoung, sweetie. I am a vampire" I said, trying to help him stay calm.

"Am I going to die??" Panic flooded his features.

"The good thing is, you will never die now. The bad thing is you're gonna have a hell of a time the next few days. You're gonna feel like you have the flu, and a hangover at the same time."

"Well, shit!"

"Also you're going to have to wear some thick chokers to cover your new mark for a while"

#ateez #ateez imagines #ateez angst #ateez crack #crack fic #ateez wooyoung #wooyoung #wooyoung crack fic

22 notes · View notes