#I'm sorry there's so many paragraphs I wrote more words then tumblr allows in one block so I had to separate it

[lesbianwyllravengard]

i still have yet to play bg3 so i still dont go here yet but Wyll seems literally like one of the most compelling characters of all time and im not even joking. I havent even played the GAME but his character arc haunts me /pos. people are literally just racist to say that he isn't compelling

LITERALLY. He's utterly fascinating. He is a folk hero, a legend, the fantasy equivalent of superman. He's a warlock who is secretly pacted to a devil. He hates devils. He's an incredible liar. He's incredibly sincere. He's silly. He unironically enjoys puns and clowns. He over-exaggerates his Blade personality because it amuses him. He sometimes doesn't know where The Blade ends and Wyll begins. His hero-ness is a performance; not to hide ill intent, but to hide a broken man, to hide weaknesses and fears. It's who he is. It's always been a distant thing, a mask. It's who he thinks he must be. He loves freely and openly and will let anyone know it. He's only ever wanted to know he's loved. He still thinks his father's inability to trust or believe in him was all his fault. He still thinks that every bit of suffering he's ever experienced was all his fault. He thinks admitting to suffering would be disrespectful to the lives he's saved. He thinks he has to suffer or else his sacrifices were worthless. He thinks it couldn't be a sacrifice if he didn't suffer for it. He would take any suffering if it meant lessening someone else's. He is the first person to stand up for someone's life and safety, the first person to defend someone's worth and autonomy. He is the last person to do so for himself. He is of the least importance to himself.

He needs to be needed, because if he's not needed then what good is his power and the soul he sacrificed for the pact to get it? And if he can't be needed then he throws himself into the fray without hesitation because his purpose has always been to sacrifice himself so others may live. His life has always been one of sacrifice. His life has been recompense since the second he was born and his mother passed as a result. He saves lives to make up for it. It will never be enough to him. It will always be everything to those he saves. He just wants to be seen for who he truly is. He thinks if no one can see him for who he is then maybe it isn't who he is, and maybe he's fooled them all, fooled himself into thinking he can be a better person, be the hero they need. He wants to be known by someone. He's terrified of someone looking deeper. He sees others for who they are. He's a monster hunter who does not hunt the typical definition of "monster", who knows that monsters are not the ones with fangs and horns in his group of friends but the men who look harmless yet cause endless death and suffering to others. Not even the threat of his life was enough to get him to harm an innocent.

He wants to be chosen. He cannot fathom that someone would choose him. He chooses others over himself every time. He has so much love for others. He thinks he must constantly earn love. He is shocked when someone simply loves him. He thinks he cannot love and lead at the same time. His only role model was a father who could never put his son before his city. He is capable of immense anger. He is capable of immense kindness. He purposefully chooses the latter; he works hard to not let his anger consume him. He's still angry over things that happened a near decade ago. He thinks feeling hurt is the same as being angry and so he can't be hurt. He's always hurting. He takes pride in his achievements and he does not underestimate himself. He's not religious. He devotes himself to his cause with the dedication of the most pious believer. He stands by his friends in any battle, against any struggle. He stands against them if they choose to threaten lives. He holds on to those he cares about with bloody knuckles and teeth bared because loss has always been the hardest pain for him to bear. He has lost everything. He gives every part of himself to others. He cannot lose anyone else. He thinks he can do anything because he refuses to believe any alternative. Because he could not survive any alternative. He thinks his intent is as important as his actions, and so he must always intend to do the right thing.

He does not tolerate his boundaries being pushed or his father being disrespected. He tolerates any judgment because he thinks he deserves it. He defends his status as the Blade of Frontiers. He thinks the fear caused by his devil form is a fault of his own that he must work to fix. He hates the patriars and their farce diplomacy, their lethal hypocrisy. He thinks his father is infallible. He does not hold himself to the same regard as he holds everyone else. He thinks its okay if it only hurts him. Anything is okay as long as it only hurts him. He has to keep fighting to prove he can be a hero. He is so, so tired. He cannot for one second admit to wanting for anything, because once he starts he might not be able to stop wanting. He cannot accept that he deserves to not suffer, too, because if he does he might not be strong enough to continue suffering so others might suffer less. He might not want to suffer. He thinks he cannot regret any decision he's made, he cannot regret his pact, because it would be a dishonour to the good he's done with it. He thinks that saying he regrets his pact would be saying he regrets every life he's saved with it and he would never regret saving lives so he cannot regret his pact. He's accepted that his freedom will always be the cost of saving lives. He desperately wants to be free. His life has never been his own, to him. He thinks every choice he's ever made was his own, alone.

He is very complex. He simplifies himself to be easily accepted by others. People fall for it easily. He just needs one person to look closer. He's afraid of what they'll find if they do. He doesn't keep his cards close to his chest, he meticulously chooses which cards to hold at all. Which parts of himself are worth losing if need be. How much of himself he has to keep close in order to keep being himself. He has seen the worst that the world has to offer. He chooses every day to be kind, to see the best in things, in others. He chooses to care. He holds onto his pain because it's proof that he cares. There are several pathways that don't connect quite right in his brain which you'll notice after a few conversations with him. He is wise beyond his years. He is my favourite guy ever

[sarcasticsciencefictionwriter]

Fanfic Tag Game

Tagged by @dorothyoz39 thanks so much for the tag! 🥰

1. How many fics do you have on AO3?

104.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

520,363

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Sanctuary and Stargate SG-1.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Commute - 85 (Stargate SG-1, G, Sam/Jack)

In-Between - 70 (Stargate SG-1, G, Sam/Jack)

One Snowy Day - 65 (Stargate SG-1, G, Sam/Jack)

Two Kinds of Sparks - 60 (Stargate SG-1, T, Sam/Jack)

One Rainy Day - 58 (Stargate SG-1, G, Sam/Jack)

I'm sensing a pattern.... 🤔

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes, I always respond to comments. They make me happy and I want to take the time to thank anyone who took their time to respond to a thing I wrote, because I very much appreciate it.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The Last of the Tau'ri - Stargate SG-1, Sam/Jack

This was inspired by The Last of Us and is a one-shot. I don't want to spoil anything, but it involves death and loss of hope, so that's probably the angstiest.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I don't know. Really, I don't. I have a lot of fluffy endings, but I don't know if I've had hugely happy endings.

Waving the white flag on this question, sorry.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten comments telling me what I got wrong in canon and how I got it wrong and then told how I shouldn't ask for them to stop doing that.

On ff.net I've had people speed-run all the chapters of a story and then their only comment is that it's depressing. (And also assume that because it hasn't been updated in a while, it's finished)

I don't know if that counts as hate, exactly, though.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Yep! I love doing crossovers. I only have four published crossovers write now and since two are extremely serious, I'm going to have to go with 'Tesla's Moving Castle'.

This is Howl's Moving Castle with Nikola in the role of Howl and Helen in the role of Sophie, but with science instead of magic, set in the 1870s.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Not yet, technically. @tina-mairin-goldstein got me to agree to co-write a Supernatural/Hannibal crossover, but I haven't really put any effort into it. I'd like to, though, in my fandoms.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

Helen/John, Helen/Nikola from Sanctuary and Sam/Jack from SG-1.

15. What’s a fic you’d like to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I intend to finish every fic I have published, even if inspiration and computer problems are delaying some, so I think I will finish them all, eventually.

The rare few I started and abandoned in my document folder are abandoned because I don't want to finish them.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Emotion and tension between characters. And foreshadowing, though that's sometimes not intentional.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Emotions, funnily enough. I always have such a hard time during the writing process and it's not great.

Or description.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I've done it a few times, when characters speak another language, mostly just sprinkling in a sentence or word or two. I like including it when possible, though I worry that the translation program (i.e. google translate) may butcher the language and I worry about that, because I don't want to be disrespectful.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Warrior cats (unpublished).

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

*cries in 104 fics*

Either Enigmatic Confections or The Abnormal X-File

It changes with my mood.

No pressure tagging: @lanistas, @tinknevertalks, @theleotorrio, @zeldamacgregor, @chartreuseian,

and @romanaisalive and anyone else who wants to play! (Tumblr no longer allows you to tag more than five people without a paragraph break)

[clovemerablog]

Journal 12 - BMSP Songwriting and Composition

Well, what I write today won't be as good as what I did write. You see, I write these things on Microsoft Word before copying and pasting them into Tumblr. And what I wrote… has been lost. So, I ought to begin this by telling you I'm not too happy as I write what you're reading right now.

We explored chaos today. Not the kind of chaos that Gen Z call humour, but inviting the shirking of conventions and allowing our workflow to be imploded, so to speak. There was less talking more workshop activity this week, but that's not what we're talking about in this blog.

I’ll tell you this much. In the beginning, my music was all chaos. I was using GarageBand on a baseline iPad. It had 32 gigabytes of storage, which is not enough and should not be an option, though thankfully I think the minimum storage has been risen. I started off using pre-made apple loops and eventually began experimenting with making my own melodies and progressions. This year, I've learned so much about song structure, chords, conventions, everything. I think I've developed some semblance of a workflow which in its developmental stages, has prohibited the chaos I once had.

And that's not a good thing, necessarily. I miss the chaos. I wish I still had the looseness to play a bunch of non-premediated keys and work with what I make instead of feel the obligation to decide which chords I'm going to use beforehand. As mentioned in a previous blog, which I presume you’ll read after this if you're going down the list on Tumblr, but I'm working on an EP. The track that started it, I made on the iPad. It was inspired by Grimes, who does it all his self. I'm going to touch it up, apply all my new knowledge to it, but that song and a bunch of other things I made between 2018 and 2021, are really good.

This activity, we tried something called an “exquisite corpse”. It involves making a little bit of music and giving it to somebody else who then continues it in their own musical stylings. We were given a starting point to help generate some ideas. Also, to conserve consistency across the two teams working on it. I heard it and I instantly felt inspired. Sorry in advance, Sara, but the sounds were all completely ugly. But that's not a problem! Because I have many patches in Logic I've tried and hated because they were completely mismatched with what I usually try to create. But for this sound, I knew they were all perfect. So, I pulled them out and I started mashing my MIDI keyboard, mostly because we were on a time limit. I added this patch, added that patch, mased the keys, didn't do too much quantizing. It was chaos and I loved it.

This really has reflections of an earlier blog entry regarding play in music. I wish I would play more and now that the end of the semester is here, I have more time to do it. So, that's good.

Now, to change the subject with quite a graceless transition, this is the last journal entry for this particular subject. You see, this is an assessment let's do on the day by writing it, a Friday. This Friday, Lana Del Rey releases her new album, "Blue Bannisters". In fact, I received it in the mail as I'm working on this. I'm enthusiastic to listen to "Cherry Blossom" and hear if it sounds the same as the unreleased version I love. Now come up that's not the subject I was trying to segue too if it beginning of is paragraph. The next one is.

We are to look forward to the break between this semester and the next, which I believe starts in March. That's five months and we've been invited to contemplate how we're going to spend it. In semester 1, I made a lot of material that contributes to what is now an EP I have conceptualised. I don't know how much to say about it this early, but I assume I'm going to spend the break working on it.

12 out of 13 weeks this semester were spent on Zoom, so I want to go to campus and make some stuff, possibly with other people. Additionally, I want to work on some literature, as I try to write when I can. I don't want to be a hobby I want it to be a career. Music is a part of that that's an extension of a literature. So... I got stuff happening.

So, that’s all from me for now.

Signing off,

Clove 💕