#I'm sorry for this I was peer-pressured into maintagging it

[goatsandgangsters]

I tried to summarize what I've osmosis'd about house of the dragon purely from my dash & my partner and decided to post it

caveat: I am horrible with names and I did not fact-check the spelling of a n y o n e ' s name

so. first of all. lesbians.

there’s Alicent who is “a repressed lesbian who’s never had an orgasm in her life” (quoth @meyerlansky). I don’t think she knows this about herself, but it’s true. there’s also Rhaneyra who is Extremely Hot and bisexual. (this I know to be factual!! I saw the kissing gifs with that other woman!! I saw them!!) anyway, Alicent and R had an adorable childhood first-love situation that they didn’t realize was them being in love but They Were In Love. then it all went to fuck, because Alicent had to marry Rhenyra’s… father? stepfather? some crusty old relation of hers? and this was bad for them, because Alicent is a lesbian and was also STILL TINY, so marrying your bff/love-of-your-life’s crusty old man relation is Not A Good Time For Either Of You 

Rhaenyra—I’m just gonna spell it different every time until I figure it out, but I think this one is right—anyway Rhaenyra is married to Matt Smith but I don’t think he like… matters? I get the sense he’s kind of one of the Main Dudes but I also don’t know anything about what he like. Does? oh also he’s her uncle 

there are……… three children. I’m not entirely positive whose children they are. I think they’re Alicent’s children. There’s—oh god—ONE OF THEM is Aemond and one of them is Aegon, only I’m not sure which is which. this is super embarrassing because @meyerlansky 's fave is “whichever is the one with the long hair and the eyepatch” so I SHOULD know this. but I'm bad with names and I just call the one who is their fave “three-mouth” bc he looks like that meme of the cat going >:3 at a knife. there’s also Helena, who was a small weird child who likes bugs, and whose name is definitely spelled differently than that 

anyway. Ae-something (the one who looks like this >:3) has a dragon who is old and senile and her name is Grandma Warcrimes. and she accidentally (?) ate Ae’s couuuuusin, his name is Lu-something-or-other. this was a very significant thing that happened 

Alicent’s Squad and Rhaenyra’s Squad have Major Significant Beef with each other, only I have honestly no idea what it is, other than like… their unresolved sexual tension

there’s also. okay wait. someone has a gay husband, yes? there’s a handsome Black man who is gay? was heeeee WAIT WAIT. Handsome Gay Husband was Rhaenyra’s husband, but she was fucking around with Uncle Matt Smith, so all her kids are… Uncle Matt Smith’s? and then Handsome Gay Husband died (was killed? for being gay maybe?) and then she married Uncle Matt Smith instead? 

OH! WAIT WAIT WAIT. I’M PIECING IT TOGETHER I THINK. SO THE BEEF. Grandma Warcrimes ate Cousin Lululemon, who was…. like one of them is Alicent’s child and one of them is Rhaeynera’s, so the beef—in addition to the rampant lesbian sexual tension—is also about “your kid killed my kid on the playground” kind of an issue? (see now I’m second-guessing myself whose kid is whose based on hair color but whatever) 

there’s also a GILF. she literally Just Died. which is sad, because she was hot rip 

so yeah. that's all I got. that's all I've absorbed. this show is about lesbians and dragons and people are mad at each other for Reasons. I don’t know what those reasons are but they sure are fighting and killing about it!