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fairyniceyeah · 7 months ago

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🌹🤍 Deep inside my complex mind

Title from Eclipse (The Rose)

Summary: Backstory to 'Cause everybody fears the one and Don't you worry cause I'm with you now. Woosung is sick with the stomach flu for the first time with the members and the panic gets too much.

CW: mentions of depression and suicidal thoughts, emeto, fainting, panic attacks, emetophobia, paramedics, ambulances, hospitals

Sickie: Woosung/Sammy Caretakers: Dojoon/Leo + Hajoon/Dylan + Jaehyeong/Jeff

Dojoon was lying on his stomach in bed, mindlessly scrolling through TikTok. He loved those short videos – maybe at one point they could do TikToks as The Rose? He was sure the other members would enjoy it too and a little fun and exposure to the public next to their songs couldn’t hurt.

He was startled out of his thoughts by a knock on his door. Not as much an unusual occurrence as people might think despite it being the middle of the night. Just normally Dojoon wasn’t awake for them but he wasn’t tired that day as he had taken an unplanned nap in the studio earlier. Woosung had not been impressed by that.

There were only two options who would come to seek comfort now – Hajoon and Jaehyeong. Both maknaes had ended up on his doorstep in the middle of the night before. While they both had seen the darkness of the world, they were both so soft and young, and sometimes in need for somebody to carry the weight when they felt too weak to do it themselves. Dojoon was proud of them that they asked for help when needed, and happy he was chosen as their Atlas.

Whenever Hajoon reluctantly knocked on his door it was mostly due to his insomnia, his circling thoughts that left him spiraling deep down and made him feel worthless. It had taken some time for Dojoon to get Hajoon to understand that he would rather stay up all night with him instead of finding his dongsaeng sitting in the kitchen sleep-deprived and with red-rimmed eyes in the morning. The first time the younger had opened up to him about his depressive and borderline suicidal thoughts Dojoon had cried the whole night after Hajoon had fallen asleep in his arms. It was more seldom now that he sought out Dojoon for comfort, being in a better place mentally but they all had the occasional bad night.

Jaehyeong, on the other hand, was the person who hated sharing beds the most. The mix of Dojoon’s habit of fidgeting in his sleep and Jaehyeong loving his space never really worked out. He would come in to talk about his issues and to cry but would always go back to his own bed to sleep. Still, the youngest would wake him with less reluctance than Hajoon to get advice and reassurance that it was okay to be sad and scared of what the future would bring. Their maknae was a strong person but still so innocent and raw in some aspects.

Dojoon never minded these interruptions so he called a quick: “Come in.” He placed his phone down and sat up just in time to see the door opening slowly to reveal a shaking Woosung on the other side. Woosung?

🌹

This was new. Their oldest had never once sought him out when he needed help, despite Dojoon insisting on it repeatedly. Woosung was too proud to ask for help, still sometimes too shaped by toxic American images of manhood to dare be weak with them. Instead he chose to immerse himself in the role of the oldest and leader, which did fit his – sometimes too – independent personality. Dojoon wished one day he would understand he could lean on them too.

“Sammy?”, Dojoon asked when the leader didn’t say anything, just stood in the middle of the room like a ghost.

There was no reaction from him and so, extremely worried by now, Dojoon got up to walk over to him. Woosung was clad in long sleep pants that seemed like they belonged to one of the kids, considering just how much too long they were, scrunching up at Woosung’s feet. The shirt Woosung was wearing? Dojoon recognized it as his own. He didn’t know what was more surprising: Woosung wearing their clothes or Woosung actually wearing clothes.

Up close he saw just how pale his chingu was, the sweat on his face and in his hair. Saw the tremor encasing his whole body. Woosung’s eyes were blown wide with … fear? His breathing was raspy and shallow, far too fast for Dojoon’s liking.

Just seeing Woosung like this broke something in him.

“Sammy?”, he repeated and, when he got no reaction again, took the leader’s hands in his. At the contact Woosung gasped, as if not realizing before how close Dojoon was. “Hey, let’s sit down, okay?”, Dojoon suggested.

Woosung didn’t show any sign he had heard Dojoon but he clutched the younger’s hand tightly. So Dojoon gently led him to his bed, sitting Woosung down next to him and wrapping his blankets around their shoulders. It was harder than imagined, as Dojoon was able to free one hand from Woosung’s clutch but the other hand was held tightly once Woosung realized that Dojoon had tried to let go. Dojoon wrapped his arm around Woosung’s back and ran his thumb over Woosung’s hands.

“What’s wrong?”, he dared ask, not quite expecting an answer. Dojoon couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with the situation, completely out of his depth with his own fears. He had never been there to see Woosung this low. The leader hid away as soon as he felt off-kilter. What had happened for Woosung to actively seek him out? Had something bad happened? Was his family okay?

To his surprise, Woosung took a deeper breath – not deep, just not as broken as before – and whispered: “I don’t feel good.”

Okay, that was a start. Just not a very helpful one. Mentally? Physically? Dojoon tended towards the mental “I don’t feel good” considering the state Woosung was in but it was not an explanation.

“Can you tell me what doesn’t feel good?”, Dojoon encouraged, hoping his voice sounded as warm and inviting as he wanted it to be. He didn’t want to scare Woosung away.

Woosung opened his mouth to answer but instead a sob came out, choking him. The older leaned forward, curling into himself, and pressed his hands to his face as if to hide. Dojoon didn’t know what to do. It was clear that something was really upsetting his friend to the point of near hyperventilation.

Helplessly he stroked Woosung’s back, whispering comforting non-sense. It didn’t help at all. It was nearly like Woosung was not even able to hear him, too caught up in whatever was wrong to even acknowledge Dojoon.

Dojoon reached his own breaking point when Woosung’s silent cries turned loud, his harsh breathing reaching a speed that wasn’t taking in oxygen at all and the leader’s hand that wasn’t clutching Dojoon’s tightly wandered to his hair, harshly pulling at the longer strands. It was heart wrenching to watch the oldest succumb to his panic – Dojoon was now convinced that it really was a panic attack that Woosung was experiencing. He didn’t even know that Woosung was prone to anxiety, never having seen him falter this way.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

Gently he removed Woosung’s grip on his hand, hating how he caused the other man to cry even louder at that, before he reached up and carefully detangled Woosung’s hand from his hair. As he got that hand free, he held both of Woosung’s wrists in his hands and wrapped them around his own torso. Weakly, Woosung’s fingers tried to find purchase in Dojoon’s sleepshirt. Dojoon gently held onto Woosung’s knees from where he was still sitting at the edge of the bed, holding up Woosung’s back with his other hand and effectively lifted the smaller on his lap. With as much care as his own trembling allowed, he moved Woosung’s head to his shoulder and just held tight as Woosung cried himself out.

Dojoon couldn’t tell how long it was until Woosung managed to calm down, still shaking but not hyperventilating anymore.

“Sammy?”, he asked, manipulating Woosung so they were looking at each other. Woosung’s eyes were droopy with exhaustion and he looked ready to pass out. Despite being more than worried and also a little curious, Dojoon knew that sleep might be for the best for the time.

“Let’s lay down and sleep, okay? I can see how tired you are. We can talk about this in the morning, okay?”, Dojoon suggested and Woosung nodded faintly, holding onto Dojoon’s shirt.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t dream of kicking you out. Sleep here, I won’t leave you”, he soothed and helped Woosung lay back against the pillow. Quickly he spread his blanket over the two of them and laid back down as well. It was definitely time to sleep. He pulled Woosung close, letting the leader rest his head on his chest. Maybe the morning would bring answers. Dojoon reached up and turned off the light on his bedside lamp.

🌹

Dojoon woke up to a kick to his shin. Oh, that’s how the others feel when they share with me, was his only thought. He was prepared to turn around and go back to sleep until he heard the crying. His eyes flew open and he fumbled for his night lamp.

As soon as the light illuminated the room he saw his leader sitting upright next to him, looking completely terrified. Woosung had one hand pressed to his mouth, sick dripping down the appendage onto his sleep shirt and the blanket.

Fuck.

“Le…”, Woosung gasped out, not even able to finish the name before he was retching again, more vomit spraying between his fingers. Then the gagging sound was replaced by the sound of crying.

Dojoon sat upright and pushed the blankets off himself and onto Woosung’s lap. There was no saving them anyways and he’d rather not get stains on his mattress too. There would be no time to get a receptacle to catch the next wave with the way Woosung looked. Dojoon scooted over to Woosung who was trembling so badly that Dojoon was scared the leader would injure himself with how close his head came to the wall.

“It’s okay, Sammy, let it out”, Dojoon encouraged, helping the older man lean over his covered lap. But Woosung resisted against the movement, jerking backwards so hard he did hit his head against the wall. Dojoon grimaced in sympathy and for the time being placed his hand on the back of Woosung’s head to hopefully prevent further injury.

Woosung frantically began wiping his dirtied hand on the covers, the sort of frantic that Dojoon would not have expected. Sure, having vomited on yourself was disgusting, but something was going wrong. Badly.

“I don’t … Dojoon”, Woosung gasped like a drowning man. He was hyperventilating again but from the way he was swallowing between short breaths Dojoon knew he needed to be sick once more.

Dojoon had never felt so helpless. He didn’t understand. Surely Woosung’s panicked reaction couldn’t just be about the sickness, could it?

That’s when Dojoon remembered. How could he have forgotten about this? Not even sleepiness should excuse this.

🌹

Dojoon hadn’t been feeling well at all that whole day. Dinner had been unappealing to him in a way he knew he was getting sick. But he also knew he couldn’t really afford to be sick this shortly after debut so he sucked it up and hoped for the best.

He had not anticipated vomiting over the side of the sofa in the middle of their monthly movie night after a car chase scene had left him dizzy and queasy. He had seen the confusion and worry in Hajoon’s and Jaehyeong’s face and the utter terror in Woosung’s eyes but he had been too concerned about getting sick again that he had just rushed off to the bathroom. To his surprise he had been joined by their maknae to hold back his hair instead of one of the older members. But then again, Jaehyeong was the “eomma” of the group.

Then when he was feeling mostly human again the next afternoon he had been approached by Hajoon and Jaehyeong, who had been looking lost and scared. It was then that Dojoon had realized he hadn’t seen Woosung since that movie. At first he had felt a bit angry, a bit betrayed that his older friend had left him to suffer alone. When Hajoon, with a trembling voice, narrated how he had found Woosung scratching open his arms completely locked in his fear, Dojoon had felt like the worst dongsaeng. How had he not noticed?

🌹

Days later they had sat down with Woosung in their shared living room. Dojoon had noticed how Woosung didn’t look him in the eye and wouldn’t come near him, despite Dojoon being vomit and fever free for over 72 hours. At least none of the members had gotten sick that time and Dojoon suspected the sushi he had had that lunch as the reason for his sickness.

“I … I have emetophobia”, Woosung had said slowly, staring at his feet. “I … I can barely even think or talk about … about vomiting without panic. I know it’s stupid, I fucking know that. I just … I can’t help it. I’m sorry I let you down, Leo, as your elder and leader.” That’s when Woosung had looked up, tears shining in his eyes.

“Stop apologizing”, Hajoon said, sounding like they had had that particular conversation before. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know, it’s hard, hyung”, Jaehyeong had added, taking Woosung’s hand in his, “but can you tell us more about it? How we can help? What exactly is emetophobia? The fear of being sick and germs?”

“Isn’t that called hypochondria?”, Dojoon had interjected.

Woosung had nodded. “For me … for me it’s the fear of …” He swallowed. “… the fear of just vomiting and nausea. I get panicked when I think about it and seeing somebody be sick? It … sends me into panic. It’s not just that, though. I have … issues with food. Something not looking done, something old or close to its best-before date, take-out … it all makes me … scared. I don’t even know why…”

“It’s a phobia, Sammy”, Dojoon had soothed, “it’s not rational and definitely not your fault.”

🌹

It had been months later when Dojoon found Woosung sitting in the kitchen, his face white as chalk. There was a full plate of the past day’s left-overs in front of him.

“What’s wrong?”, Dojoon had asked worriedly. At first Woosung hadn’t even reacted, so Dojoon had thought he would not get an answer from him. Sometimes Woosung was weird like that but then to his surprise the older had whispered: “It … it’s the only thing in the fridge. I am so hungry. But … it’s from yesterday … it … it can’t have gotten bad, right?”

“No, it’s just vegetables, Sammy”, he had reassured, “nothing could have gone bad, we kept it in the fridge and all the ingredients Jeff used were fresh. It’s perfectly fine to eat.”

Woosung had nodded, looking more determined, and lifted his chopsticks to his mouth.

Just as he was about to take a bite, he stopped.

“I can’t”, he had said, sounding ashamed of himself, “rationally I know it’s okay, but I can’t help thinking ‘what if?’”

“It’s okay, don’t stress yourself out��, Dojoon had said, taking the chopsticks from him and setting them down. “I can make you some ramen. It will take a few minutes, but if you really need to eat now there are some bananas over there.”

“Thank you, Leo”, Woosung had said, relief evident in his voice, “but I think I will just stick with the bananas. My brain is being an asshole today, it’s been ages since it has been so bad. I’m sorry you had to see this.”

“I am sorry you felt like you had to hide this, Sammy.”

🌹

Dojoon was brought back to the present by a groan and a broken off gag. Woosung was shaking and rocking himself from side to side. Dojoon needed to focus on him. This was probably one of the hardest things Woosung had ever gone through. He wrapped an arm around Woosung’s back and brushed Woosung’s fringe out of his eyes.

“Sammy, I know you don’t want to, but you clearly need to be sick again. I promise I got you, I’ll stay with you”, Dojoon soothed and helped his leader lean over a bit further again. Woosung was forced forward by the next gag rippling through his body and a huge wave of vomit poured out of his mouth.

Before Woosung could even take a breath, he was sick again and again. Dojoon couldn’t do anything but rub his back and comfort him. He didn’t think Woosung was even able to recognize that he was there. Dojoon had never felt this helpless before, watching one of his best friends go through this torture. It was clear that Woosung’s attempts to stop the inevitable had made it even worse and violent.

Even now, between each retch Woosung was sobbing, not taking in any air. Dojoon tried to get him to focus on him but Woosung couldn’t seem to hear him, lost in his panic. He hadn’t even noticed it before until he tasted the salt on his lips, but tears of empathy flowed down Dojoon’s cheeks as he couldn’t do anything but watch.

It felt like hours later when Woosung was finally given a respite from the forceful expulsion of his stomach contents. Dojoon got about half a second of relief. Then Woosung gasped loudly and went limp in his arms.

No amount of tapping his cheeks woke the older man up, so Dojoon, now sobbing in earnest himself, laid his body back down and pushed the soiled blankets onto the ground.

Trembling so hard he could barely walk and so nauseous from the smell that now hit him full force that he feared he would puke too, he stumbled to the top of the stairs of the upper floor to call for help. He couldn’t do this on his own.

🌹

Hajoon woke up to the sound of somebody yelling his name. Rude. A glance on his phone revealed that it was barely past three in the morning. He was a musician. Nobody needed a musician at three in the fucking morning. What did the person possibly want from him?

He stumbled out of his bedroom, hitting his foot against the doorway in the darkness. That was it, he was getting a nightlight. At least he was awake now. Jumping on one foot he rounded the corner to the stairs, following the sound of yelling. It sounded suspiciously like Dojoon. What did he want in the middle of the night?

“Hyung?”, Hajoon called, utterly confused and starting to get really worried, “what is going on?”

Dojoon was standing at the top of the stairs, sobbing, and clutching the railing as if it was the only thing keeping him upright. Hajoon was half-way up the stairs before Dojoon was able to answer.

“I need your help. Get Jaehyeong too.”

What did they need Jaehyeong for? What was going on with Dojoon? Why hadn’t Woosung come out of his room, complaining about the noise level?

“Get Jae …. Hyung, what is going on?”, he repeated dumbly.

“Just, just do it, Hajoon-ah”, Dojoon whispered, crumpling to his knees.

Hajoon wanted nothing more than to hug his hyung and comfort him but one glance from Dojoon had him bolting down two steps at the time to wake the maknae. He burst into the room to find the younger still asleep. Bastard.

Without further ado, Hajoon shook him violently and tore his covers away. “Wake the fuck up, Jeff”, Hajoon called, loudly. He needed Jaehyeong awake five minutes ago. The maknae, to his luck, woke with a start, and to his misfortune, collided directly with Hajoon’s head as he sat up.

For a moment stars dancing in front of Hajoon’s eyes but he couldn’t care less. Jaehyeong looked at him with utter confusion – Hajoon couldn’t even blame him, he knew he must look and act like a madman.

“Joon-ah, what the fuck is going on?”, Jaehyeong asked, rubbing his head, “it’s the middle of the fucking night.” Wow, cursing like that - he took after Woosung now.

“I don’t know”, Hajoon called, not even trying to hide just how frazzled he was, “I woke up to Dojoon screaming for help and he told me to get you up. I have no idea what is going on and I am terrified.”

That woke Jaehyeong up alright.

“Let’s go”, the maknae said and took Hajoon’s hand, pulling him with him.

🌹

Dojoon was where Hajoon had left him, breathing more calmly now but still crying. It hurt to watch. What the hell was going on?

“What’s wrong?”, Jaehyeong asked, kneeling down beside their hyung. Hajoon followed suit.

“It’s Sammy”, Dojoon said quickly, “don’t worry about me. He … he’s got the stomach flu and he panicked and passed out.”

“Oh fuck”, Jaehyeong gasped, recognizing the problem at the same moment as Hajoon did.

Oh fuck, indeed.

“Where is he?”, Hajoon asked worriedly, then he couldn’t help his voice turning harsh, “why did you leave him alone?”

“My room”, Dojoon whispered, not looking at them, “I was panicking, he had just passed out in my arms and I was starting to feel sick from the smell.”

Hajoon nodded and pushed to his feet. He wasn’t angry at Dojoon, not truly. He saw how bad his hyung looked. But he didn’t have time to check on him. Woosung was his priority.

The stench of vomit hit Hajoon the moment he entered the older man’s room. Thank God for his strong stomach (outside of moving vehicles), no wonder Dojoon was done for. The blanket laying on the floor was positively soaked and beyond any repair. Woosung was on his side on the bed, face washed out white and sweat soaking every part of his body. Stains of sick were on his sleep shirt. No actually, one of Dojoon’s shirts.

He seemed to still be unconscious or asleep, so Hajoon took the opportunity to push the dirty blanket out of the door with his foot. Dojoon and Jaehyeong seemed to have vanished into the hyung’s bathroom – Hajoon saw the light on. Jaehyeong could deal with the blanket.

Then Hajoon carefully approached Woosung, not willing to wake him if he truly was just asleep. He knelt down on the floor and placed the back of his hand against the elder’s forehead, feeling the heat radiating from his skin. He really was sick. If he could, Hajoon would take it from him in a heartbeat.

Hajoon looked around and found that Dojoon had left a pair of scissors on his desk. Perfect, just what he needed. Unwilling to wake Woosung and not knowing how else to get his puke-stained shirt off, Hajoon just cut. He didn’t think that Dojoon would want it back anyways. After he managed to take the last shreds off, he chuckled them out of the door onto the blanket. Yep, Jeff’s problem.

Just then as if now sensing Hajoon’s presence or – please not – feeling sick again, Woosung started to stir, blinking up at Hajoon.

“Hey, hyung, go back to sleep”, Hajoon whispered, brushing Woosung’s hair out of his face and sitting down by his side. Maybe he could soothe him to sleep before anything could happen.

“Joon-ah?”, the leader whispered, his voice hoarse, “wha... what’s going on?” Maybe not.

What was Hajoon supposed to say to that? If they were lucky Woosung was feeling better now and would be able to just sleep.

“Why is your eye a bit blue?”, Woosung continued with a frown. Confused, Hajoon lifted his hand to his eye, feeling the skin surrounding it swell a bit. At his touch it ached again. He and Jaehyeong must have collided harder than he had thought. Great.

“Doesn’t matter”, Hajoon explained and added a bit more desperate: “Why don’t you go back to sleep?”

Woosung sighed and looked around. “Wait, why am I in Dojoon’s room … what?”

Then the memory or the feeling like crap must have hit him.

“Shit”, Woosung whispered, his breathing picking up speed. Not good. Hajoon stroked back his hair and tried to calm him down. “You’re going to be okay, hyung”, he said, hoping it was the truth, “it’ll be over soon and we’ll stay by your side, okay?”

But it didn’t help. Already Woosung was close to hyperventilating again, tears flowing down his pale cheeks. “I don’t want to be sick”, he whispered.

“I know, hyung”, Hajoon said helplessly and took his hand, stroking it with his thumb.

Behind him the door opened and Dojoon and Jaehyeong entered. The maknae was carrying a glass of water and a towel, while Dojoon held a bowl of water and a washcloth. Hajoon was glad for their presence. Maybe they could get Woosung calmed down.

Seeing just how distressed Woosung was, and also how helpless Hajoon looked, Jaehyeong rushed across the room and set his goods down on the desk. “Hey, Sammy-ah”, he said and knelt down by the leader’s head, “we got you some stuff to make you feel better.”

A bit disoriented and his eyes glazed with what was probably a mix of fever and fear, Woosung reluctantly nodded. The maknae took the water bowl from Dojoon and dunked the washcloth inside. Then he wiped it over Woosung’s chest, folded it and placed the clean side over his forehead. Woosung sighed in relief.

Dojoon, still looking a bit worse for wear, placed the towel on the bed above Woosung’s head - in reach but not in his constant field of view. Then he too knelt down on the ground.

“Do you think you can drink a bit of water? I have some medication here”, he said and pulled out a bottle from his pocket. “I know you don’t like taking pills so I found a liquid alternative.”

But Woosung shook his head. “I don’t want to drink”, he whined, “it’s going to … you know.”

“Okay, we’ll set it aside for now. Say if you want it”, Hajoon agreed, shooting the others a glance. He didn’t think that forcing Woosung to drink was a good idea and thankfully the others seemed to agree. “Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

Woosung bit his lip in worry. “I don’t know”, he rasped and a tear run down his cheek again, “I … I am sorry I am keeping you all awake.”

“No, don’t be sorry”, Jaehyeong said, taking Woosung’s hand in his, “we’re glad to be here with you. You don’t have to be strong alone all the time. How about Two-Joon go to your room in shouting distance and I’ll stay with you, hm? Sleep will do you good.”

“The fuck you just called us?”, Hajoon threatened while Dojoon wasn’t even able to close his mouth. “No, don’t repeat that. Ever again. I’ll end you.”

Woosung smiled at bit at that. Success.

“Come on”, Dojoon said, tugging Hajoon’s arm, “let’s go lay down a bit.”

Tiredly, Hajoon nodded.

🌹

The next time Hajoon woke up to somebody calling his name in the middle of the night he was going to commit murder. He had just dropped off. Dojoon had fallen asleep the moment his head hit the pillow but that meant he started to fidget. Hajoon really had tried to ignore it but after Dojoon’s knee had nearly hindered his ability to ever get children he had just taken his losses.

Then he remembered why exactly he was sharing with the older man and he shoved him off the bed hard in his haste to get to the other room. If Jaehyeong was yelling like that? It was going to be bad.

It was. Bad, that is.

Woosung was sitting at the edge of the bed with a trash can in his lap. Jaehyeong had wrapped his arms around him, trying to calm down. The leader was crying so hard he was nearly hyperventilating, a steady stream of tears dripping into the receptacle. It was abundantly clear he was about to be sick again - the swallowing, the greenish tinge of his face, the sweat everywhere.

“Oh Sammy”, Hajoon sighed and knelt down next to them, helping Woosung keep the bucket stable as the older’s hands were trembling too badly to keep a tight grip on his own.

“I … I don’t …”, Woosung gasped out, choking on his words. A gag followed but Woosung clamped his mouth shut fearfully.

Jaehyeong, who was now running his hand through Woosung’s hair, whispered: “Don’t be scared, hyung. Hajoon-ah, Dojoon-hyung and I are all here with you. You’re not alone and you will be okay.”

At his words Hajoon looked over his shoulder to find Dojoon coming into the room, apparently having woken up finally. He sat on the bed beside Woosung, placing a hand on his knee. Hajoon leaned back against his legs, wanting a bit of comfort himself. He didn’t particularly fancy watching people puke but he wanted to be there for his hyung.

“Please, it hurts…”, Woosung mumbled, shaking badly. He had removed one of his hands from the bucket to place it on his stomach, curling over even further. Hajoon imagined he probably had pretty bad cramps - it happened to him too when he tried to hold it in. He never had done so to the extent Woosung was doing it though.

“Breathe”, Dojoon said, “Sammy, breathe.”

The cramps or the fear were keeping his breath away - either way Hajoon couldn’t take it anymore. He hurt so badly for his scared hyung.

He felt so … helpless.

Then, without more warning, Woosung retched loudly and sick splattered against the inside of the bin. Hajoon winced, unable to tear his eyes away. Sadly, since he chose the position on the floor he was pretty close to Woosung’s head. He watched the leader cough and splutter as vomit quickly filled the bin, the violent expulsions only accompanied by sobs. Hajoon wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to eat jajangmyeon again, the noodles and the sauce still looking rather like the original dish.

Now he felt sick. Maybe he should rethink his earlier statement of having a strong stomach.

Then it was over. Woosung was crying again, his tears that ran down his face mixing with the vomit in the bucket. Carefully Hajoon eased it out of his hold and pushed it to the side to take care of it later.

Woosung was now more important. The moment he had stopped throwing up, he was hyperventilating again. His breath came in short gasps and Jaehyeong frantically tried to get Woosung to focus on him. Dojoon was rubbing Woosung’s back, humming a song under his breath.

“Sammy? Sammy, look at me, okay?”, Jaehyeong whispered, turning to the leader so he was facing him. Gently he took one of Woosung’s hands and pressed it against his own chest. “Feel me breathe, slowly, in and out.”

It seemed that for a moment Woosung really was trying.

“I can’t”, he panted.

From his position Hajoon couldn’t really see what was going on but then Jaehyeong shouted and Dojoon suddenly had to catch Woosung as the leader fell backwards. Woosung had passed out again.

Hajoon jumped to his feet to help the overwhelmed Dojoon lay Woosung back down. In the heat of the moment Dojoon had only been able to hold him in an awkward position that didn’t leave him able to put Woosung down on his own.

Dojoon jumped up to elevate Woosung’s legs, while Hajoon stayed by Woosung’s head. Jaehyeong quickly handed him the wet washcloth which Hajoon ran over Woosung’s face and neck, wiping away traces of vomit, sweat and tears.

“What do we do?”, Hajoon whispered when neither of the other two dared speak up. They all were asking themselves the same thing.

“I … I don’t know”, Jaehyeong said, “I am so scared.”

Dojoon reached over and patted his back in comfort. “I am too”, he admitted.

“Yeah”, Hajoon agreed quietly. They all looked down at their ill leader, pale and unconscious in bed, sick and scared out of his mind.

“Do you think we should call an ambulance?”, Dojoon asked after a moment of silent contemplation, “at the hospital they can give him better medication and fluids via IV. I don’t know if he can help him get better here.”

“Woosung-hyung hates the hospital though”, Jaehyeong said reluctantly. It didn’t seem like he was personally disagreeing with Dojoon but rather considering what Woosung would want. “I think it scares him, knowing that people are sick there.”

“Well, right now he is the sick person”, Dojoon pointed out with a sigh. He sank down on the bed and rubbed Woosung’s knee in comfort even though the older would not be able to feel the comfort. Deep down, they all hoped Woosung would just stay unconscious - just until the sickness ran its course.

“Dylan, what do you think?”, Jaehyeong asked. Hajoon rubbed his forehead, feeling the tiredness and exhaustion, as well as the collision with Jaehyeong’s harder head, turning into a headache. He didn’t want to make a decision. He didn’t want to be responsible. He didn’t want to decide things that had such profound consequences. But the person who they looked to when faced with challenges was the reason he was asked in the first place.

“I think if he passes out one more time we should call”, Hajoon finally decided. “Let’s give him one more chance.”

Dojoon and Jaehyeong nodded. This time none of them went back to sleep - too wired and worried to even think about resting. At one point Jaehyeong left to wash out the bucket but otherwise they just stayed in silence, watching Woosung breathe.

🌹

It was barely an hour later when Woosung stirred again. Jaehyeong and Hajoon both had moved to sit at the head of the bed while Dojoon stayed at the foot end. They all focused their attention on the moaning leader, tossing and turning from side to side.

Then Woosung’s eyes snapped open. Before he even had the chance to try to sit up he was sick again, choking on his own throw-up in his position flat on his back. Jaehyeong and Hajoon were quick to lift him up and sit him up to lean over the side of the bed.

Woosung was coughing violently, loud and wet and disgusting. None of them cared about the mess, just about making sure Woosung was okay. Dojoon kept hitting his back to dislodge any vomit that he might have swallowed and Jaehyeong held the leader to his side in a tight grip.

Hajoon felt frozen, staring at the terrifying sight. Woosung’s face was red from lack of air and the terror in his eyes was unmistakable. Tears trailed down his cheeks to mix with the vomit pouring out of him. Jaehyeong brushed back some of Woosung’s hair and recoiled when he touched Woosung’s forehead.

“He’s burning up”, the maknae gasped, then looked up to lock gazes with Hajoon, “call an ambulance now.”

Hajoon couldn’t move, still unable to tear his gaze away. Fear was gripping his chest in a vice grip. Hajoon kept staring.

Dojoon kept hitting Woosung’s back until whatever caused him to choke came up. Hajoon kept staring.

With tears in his eyes for the umpteenth time that night, Dojoon looked up at him. Hajoon kept staring.

“Hajoon! Hajoon! Snap out of it, Woosung needs your help now!”

At the repeated shouting of his name and the reminder just how much Woosung depended on them, it was as if Hajoon suddenly came back to his body and he dove towards the night table where Dojoon’s phone was still laying. With trembling fingers Hajoon managed to unlock the phone on the second try and dialed the emergency number.

“119, what is your emergency?”

“My friend is throwing up and keeps passing out between bouts. He’s burning up. We need an ambulance, please”, Hajoon pleaded, gripping the phone tightly.

“Can you tell me your location? I will send an ambulance your way right now.”

Hajoon quickly told the operator their address, praying they were fast. He was so near his breaking point.

“Is your friend conscious right now?”

Just as Hajoon was about to answer ‘yes’, he heard Jaehyeong call Woosung’s name. The leader had again slumped into himself - the vomiting and the terror too overwhelming to stay conscious. His legs still dangled from the side of the bed, like everything covered in puke; upper body in a half-lying position on the bed. Dojoon leaned over him, stroking back his hair.

As he moved his hand over Woosung’s face, he inhaled sharply and then held his hand slightly over Woosung’s mouth.

“He isn’t breathing.”

🌹

After that everything became a blur.

Hajoon remembered the operator telling him that after passing out from a panic attack people sometimes didn’t breathe right away. He knew that Dojoon had rubbed Woosung’s chest in order to stimulate his lungs and it worked.

He remembered the flashing lights and the sound of sirens. The paramedics strapping Woosung on the gurney and wheeling him out. Jaehyeong clutching the elder's hand and not letting go.

Hajoon thought Dojoon must have driven the two of them to the hospital. Hajoon didn’t remember the drive.

A doctor telling them that Woosung would be okay was the first thing he really registered again.

🌹

“I know it probably was very scary to see your friend like this”, the doctor said sympathetically, “but he really just has the stomach flu. His emetophobia caused the panic attacks but he wasn’t really in danger. We’re giving him fluids, fever reducers, antiemetics and medications that should calm his anxiety via IV. He’s asleep for now and needs all the rest he can get.”

“Can we see him?”, Jaehyeong asked. He’d been wringing his hands in nervous patterns ever since he had had to let go of Woosung when they arrived at the hospital. There were tiny crescents embalmed in his palms, a sign of just how out of sorts he was.

Hajoon thought he himself hadn’t let go of Dojoon since they had stormed into the ER to find Jaehyeong shaking alone. He didn’t quite remember. Dojoon’s arm was still warm around his back.

They probably made quite a sight. Frantic, tears dried on their faces, still wearing pajamas. Jaehyeong had been given a hospital gown so he could change out of his soiled shirt - apparently Woosung had thrown up on him during the ambulance drive.

“Come with me”, the doctor agreed and holding tightly onto Dojoon’s hand, Hajoon followed her together with the other two. They were led into a small room.

Immediately they spotted their leader, pale against the sheets and body looking even smaller than usual under all the equipment. He was asleep, for the first time peaceful tonight.

“Don’t worry about the heart monitor”, the doctor said, seeing them eye it wearily, “it’s just a precaution should he experience distress again. One of you can stay here tonight with him, the other two need to go home in a few minutes, okay?”

“I’m not leaving”, Hajoon croaked, his voice rough. He hadn’t spoken since calling the emergency services. He walked a few steps forward, taking Woosung’s tiny hand in his own bigger ones.

“Please, let us all stay”, Dojoon begged the doctor, “please. I don’t think any of us should be alone tonight.”

“I … alright.”

🌹

Woosung opened his eyes to find his younger members asleep.

Hajoon was clutching his hand, his upper body resting over Woosung’s stomach, breathing deeply and regularly. Dojoon had his head in an uncomfortable position bend back against the wall, sitting upright on a cot and snoring. Jaehyeong was curled up in Dojoon’s lap, one of the older’s hands in his hair and the other clutched to his chest.

They loved him enough to stay with him, even at his lowest. They never left his side when he needed them. They gave him a place where he didn’t need to be strong all the time. He felt safe.

But with exhaustion, sickness and medication wearing him down, Woosung fell back asleep.

Morning came slowly. The sun rose, birds chirped and the sky turned from black to blue.

It was a new day.

Masterlist links: Fairy's Full Masterlist Fairy's Masterlist - The Rose

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