#I'm so fucking tired i wanna hibernate

[isitthemoon]

..... this apartament is a mess.

[singmyaubade]

OKAY OKAY idk if you still do Eddie Munson if not it's fine but I just ended a situationship/fwb with a rude white boy, I lowk wanna see a fanfic. where Eddie has this relationship with reader, then he flirts with someone else and takes them to bed, and reader is just heartbroken,and gets revenge

toxic!eddie munson x female!reader

summary: you think I’d let him destroy me and end up happier than ever? no fucking way. he doesn’t get to win.

warnings: smut! 18+, cursing, very much angst, arguing, mature content, etc..

a/n: wow, you actually got me out of hibernation with this one. i haven't wrote eddie in a long time so bear with me but since fuckboys very much PISS ME OFF, i had to do you a solid and i hope you enjoy! as always, apologize if you hate this.

Your relationship with Eddie was not something that you could explain in a few short words. Of course, it was complex, complicated, difficult, angering, loving, warm.... But again, not something you could name with a few short words.

It had been about three months ago when you caught Eddie staring at your ass while you were playing dodgeball and he was sitting at the bleachers.

He had that sly smile on and his back leaning on one of the levels on the bleachers, staring at you intently. Not only was it enough to catch your attention but enough for you to keep looking.

All it took was a wink and a few whispers in the locker room for you to be hooked. But after, Eddie had made it clear with you that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Eddie kissed your neck while his grip on your neck was harsh, "Listen baby, I want this so fucking bad but I'm not ready for somethin' serious," He whispered but the trance you were in only had you saying,

"Uh-huh,"

And since then, you had been stuck in a friends with benefits situation with Eddie Munson.

It wasn't the worse thing in the world but sometimes, it never felt the best. I mean, it wasn't like Eddie was an asshole who didn't care about you after you fucked or did anything. He would always cuddle you or clean you up when you felt tired.

He would always let you vent to him, give you kisses, and make you laugh. Those were the times when you felt like you could be more with him.

And then there would be times where he talked about Stacey Callahan's ass with a sly smile and glint in his eye, almost making you want to stab him.

You would shoot daggers into him but he would never notice because he considered you a friend.

And you could never tell him your real feelings because then you guys would be nothing and that seemed like a worse fate.

But at least, he never made an actual pass at girls in front of you and from what he had told you, he hasn't fucked anyone since you and him had started.

And that made you feel like you could be more.

But you were afraid you spoke too soon when you were trying to find Eddie and saw him and Caroline Blaren making out under the bleachers.

His hand groping her ass and her moans echoing throughout the gym. If it wasn't for the fact that it was after school, almost half the school population would've been cursed with this sight.

His mouth leaving hot kisses on her neck as he did with you a multitude of times, whispering sweet nothings into her ear as she giggled.

For the first time in your life, you had felt as if your heart had shattered.

A part of you wanted to make a scene, maybe go batshit crazy and curse Eddie to the brink of eternity and then the other part of you wanted to walk away, realize that you were worth more than someone who you thought cared for your feelings or for you at all.

Before you could leave the gym and maybe cry in a corner, Eddie locks eyes with you and smiles before he excuses himself and tells Caroline to wait under the bleachers.

She scoffs a little bit but twirls her hair as she stands there, mugging you.

You still have a shocked expression as Eddie approaches you, grinning ear to ear,

"I know I said we were gonna meet today but," He shyly cheers, "I've been trying to bag this for months and I really need this, Y/N, we can meet tomorrow though," He says as if this was casual.

You blinked at him as he awkwardly laughed at your expression, "Earth to Y/N?" He waved his hand in your face as you closed your mouth and swallowed.

You did your best to form a smile, "Uh- yeah sure,"

He cheered, kissing you on the cheek, "You're the best, I owe you one," He winked at you before going back to Caroline.

He put his arm around her shoulder before exiting the other way of the gym.

You couldn't believe that you let Eddie Munson break your heart.

There were multiple thoughts entering your head the sight of this.

One was that you were a complete idiot and let Eddie Munson play you like a fiddle. The second was that he had never taken you seriously. The third was that you needed to make him feel as you did.

And maybe it was petty for you to feel like you needed revenge but you couldn't let Eddie get away with making multiple girls feel this way,

Harmless to him but cruel to you.

And now you had to make him pay which you knew wasn't going to be easy.

Making Eddie Munson jealous was one of those things that was damn near impossible. He always prided himself in being as 'chill as a cucumber, when it came to his love life.

You had never seen him get jealous once and you didn't even think it was a feeling to him.

But you did know Eddie hated being ignored.

You remembered when he jokingly called your ass flat and you ignored him for an hour before he looked like he was on the brink of tears.

That was the one sore sport of his that you knew of and it certainly wouldn't hurt to use it to your advantage.

So when Eddie had called you that very night, you answered but not with the same eagerness you always had,

"Hello?" You answered, holding the telephone up to your ear.

"Hey Y/N," You heard Eddie's voice on the other side of line, voice excited.

You swallowed before answering back flatly, "Hi,"

He sounded surprised at your tone but didn't mention it, "Jus' wondering if you wanted to come over, Caroline just left,"

Your blood felt like it was boiling. It was as if he wanted a snack to go with his meal which only pissed you off more and it had been six hours, he had been fucking Caroline for six hours.

"I can't," You said, concealing your anger.

He sounded astonished, "Uh, why not?"

"Busy," You replied, annoyed.

You could feel your vagueness starting to worry him, "Busy with what?" He said snarkily.

"Stuff," You scoffed.

When did Eddie care so much about what you were doing? Maybe once he realized you wouldn't be at his beck and call any longer.

He took a breath, "What about tomorrow?" He asked, hoping your answer would be different.

"I'm busy, Eddie," You snapped.

There was silence on the other line for a few seconds that felt like decades before he replied again, "Is something wrong?" He asked, the worry present in his voice.

"No, I really can't talk right now, I'll see you later," You said quickly, putting the phone back on the link before he could answer.

You sighed, trying your best to feel as if this was the best decision. Of course, you knew ignoring Eddie wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world but you didn't expect it to be the hardest either.

Once Eddie gets fixated, there's not really a way to get him off the case.

And that turned out to be a fact when you saw him at school the next morning,

"Y/N," Someone grabbed your arm, pulling you in the custodian closet.

You made a surprised sound before realizing it was Eddie, "Jesus, I thought you were a murderer," You said, releasing your arm from his grip.

He ignored your joke, locking his eyes into your eyes, "What's up with you?" He asked.

You gulped, "I don't know what you're talking about,"

He scoffed, "You fucking dodged me on the phone,"

You rolled your eyes, "I told you I was busy,"

"You've literally let me eat you out before you had an huge exam in the next hour so that's a load of crap," He replied as you gawked, "So tell me what's actually up,"

You moved your jaw to the side, looking away as Eddie fumed in front of you.

You were lost for words but this didn't stop Eddie from waiting for answer so you gave one,

"I'm done fucking you,"

Eddie looked shocked, lost for words, he almost seemed as if he was having a stroke. He snapped out of his trance by laughing, "Are you serious?"

Your demeanor didn't change, "Deadly."

He bit his lip, almost wanting to laugh because this had to be a joke, "Baby, thats a big decision," His chest was against yours at this point, "Are you sure about this?" He asked, his breath whispering against your ear.

You could feel yourself breathing harder and a bit turned on but you knew this cycle wouldn't end if you didn't stop it. You pushed against his chest as he stepped backwards, "I'm done Eddie." You stated, walking out of the closet and leaving him in there.

You took a deep breath before walking to your class, it was hard to believe that you had just rejected Eddie and that he didn't utterly make you regret it.

You sat in class as you watched Eddie come on minutes after, always arriving after the bell. You could feel the tension radiating off you both but he didn't care to take a glimpse of you, his hard expression already telling enough.

You eyed him as he sat down next to you, a shocked expression on your face. Eddie had never sat down next to you in classes or let alone even show up.

You could already tell he was about to start fucking with you.

As Ms. Rodriguez started her lesson, you started to feel a fingertip tracing your knee as you swallowed. You looked at Eddie but he kept his hard expression, not even a smirk forming.

You watched him as his finger rose higher, almost at the hem of your skirt.

There was something in you that wanted to let him, maybe get your last taste Eddie before it was over forever but if you did this, it would never be over.

You knew this was Eddie trying to win and you couldn't let him.

In a flash, you grabbed his hand which caused him to finally look at you and you slammed it into his own lap. He looked furious and you felt a small victory as he pushed out his chair and stormed out while Ms. Rodriguez yelled for him to come back.

—————

The bell rang as you went towards the cafeteria, going to sit with the mutual friends you shared with Eddie.

Ever since you and Eddie had started hooking up, he had introduced you to his friends and you didn't actually mind sitting with them. They would always banter in front of you which always made you giggle and it was never superficial with them.

Usually, you would've sat next to Eddie but since shit hit the fan, you took a seat next to Gareth.

You saw Eddie shooting daggers into your soul but you kept your composure and ignored him.

You could hear them arguing over something about D&D which only made you laugh before Gareth noticed you, "Hey Y/N!" He beamed as you smiled.

"Hey Gareth, what are you guys talking about?" You asked, looking at him.

Gareth grinned, ready to start his tangent, "Oh so basically, we were talking about if Paladin or the Monk had more of a power bu-"

Eddie cut him off, "What are you doing?" He asked, looking at you as the table went silent.

You steamed, "What are you talking about?"

He began his theatrics, "I mean did I say you could sit here?" The whole table looked between you and him, there had never been one argument between you and Eddie, let alone one in front of them.

You sneered, "Why would I not be allowed to sit here?" You asked, wanting to kill Eddie for doing this in front of everyone.

"Well because, you don't belong here," He said, nonchalantly.

You laughed, "I don't belong here?" Your eyes were locked onto his, anger present in them.

"Yeah," He smirked which only made your blood boil.

"So since I'm sucking your dick anymore, I can't sit here?" You questioned, causing the entire table to gasp.

You weren't planning to reveal that you and Eddie had fucked several times but since he was really trying to get under you, there was no other choice.

"You can't sit here because nobody wants you here, Princess," He said, hatefully.

You looked at everyone around the table but they kept their gazes low, not wanting to go against Eddie.

Eddie was expecting pure anger to come out of you or maybe you would have to reconcile with him and you guys could go back to how you were but instead, you had gotten up and a smile was present on your face.

"I think I'm actually gonna sit with Jason," You slyly said as Eddie felt enraged, "I think that's a dick I actually would like to suck," You grabbed your tray heading over to jock table.

It wasn't exactly the best plan considering you hated Jason but Jason had been trying to get under you for years and this was the only way to get under Eddie's skin.

Your skirt rose up as you blinked dumbly at Jason sitting next to him, "Hi Jason," You sweetly said as he grinned from ear to ear.

"Y/N, what do I owe the pleasure?" He asked, him eyeing your body.

"I was wondering if you could teach me a few things about basketball at yours, I've got a research project," You said, fingers grazing his thigh.

It was not your best effort at being seductive but it was enough to get Jason Carver.

"I think I could help with that, mine at seven?" He said as you nodded.

You turned your back to see Eddie staring at you, more mad than you had ever seen him.

He was jealous.

And this was only the beginning.

[flurry-bace]

SO I read a bunch of Sonadow fanfictions (13) and I'm here to bless you with them! All of these fics are on Ao3, so go check them out!! Here we go:

Tides of Chaos by LightningHikaru - https://archiveofourown.org/works/29411574/chapters/72254715

Tags: Alternate Universe - Pirate, Sonic is a Naval Captain, Shadow is a Pirate Captain, Robots are not a thing, pirates of the caribbean vibes, Slow Burn, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, ghost ship - Freeform, creatures of the night, Omega is a Ghost, Aged-Up Character(s), Minor Character Death, Angst with a semi happy ending

Chapters/words: 40/40 chapters, 150K words

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Monsters Don't Live Happily Ever After by fleetways - https://archiveofourown.org/works/40786071/chapters/102197328

Tags: Beauty and the Beast Elements, Bounty Hunters, Chaos Emeralds, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Prince Sonic the Hedgehog, Shadow wears a disguise, Infinite is Called Zero (Sonic the Hedgehog), France (Country), Shadow works at a bookstore, Minor Original Character(s), Master emerald doesn’t exist, Shadow is ex GUN agent, Tags May Change, Slow Burn, Minor Violence, Fairy Tale Elements, Action & Romance, Mystery

Chapters/words: 24/? chapters, 31K words

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Shattered Realities by GoldenAla22 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/43777747/chapters/110086162

Tags: Slow Burn, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Sonadow - Freeform, Rivals, Sonic Prime Spoilers, Sonic the Hedgehog Has ADHD, alternative universe, Slow Romance, Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Canon-Typical Violence, Sonic the Hedgehog Needs a Hug, Shadow the Hedgehog Needs a Hug, they get one eventually, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Episode: s01 ep8 There's No Arrgh in Team, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, Accidental Kissing

Chapters/words: 8/? chapters, 36K words

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In Which Boom Sonic Buys a Bed from Ikea by Commonseasponge - https://archiveofourown.org/works/48527758

Tags: Fluff and Humor, Fluff, Humor, No Smut, It’s not sexual like at all I just like mundane things like buying a bed, Aroacespec sonic and shadow, T for excessive use of fuck, Middle aged hedgehogs with crushes on eachother, Amy reads sonic like a book, Living Together, Roommates, Established Relationship

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 1K words

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I don't wanna see you smile by kty309 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/48544186

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, shadow takes care of sonic as best he can, as in character as i could possibly do, so there’s not much explicit romance, but they are in love, trust me this is very sweet, shadow the hedgehog character study almost, Sonic the Hedgehog Has ADHD, Autistic Shadow the Hedgehog, not specified just how i see them lol

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 3K words

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The Cold Season by Infinity_XOXO - https://archiveofourown.org/works/48839329/chapters/123205204

Tags: Winter, Cold Weather, hibernation, Cute, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Sonic is so tired he can't think straight, Shadow doesn't know hedgehog biology, Tails is done with everyone, Sleepiness, Sleeping Together, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Established Relationship

Chapters/words: 5/5 chatpers, 3K words

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I’m married? Really? are you sure? by Lilwoofs - https://archiveofourown.org/works/48889399

Tags: Fluff, Silly, Funny, Weddings, (kinda-), kinda crack treated seriously but maybe not?, it’s mostly just silly, I haven’t written a fic in too long

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 1K words

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stay with me by ramslum - https://archiveofourown.org/works/48805642

Tags: Fluff, Kissing, Domestic Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Miles "Tails" Prower and Sonic the Hedgehog are Siblings, shadow and tails get along, Hugs, Lovey-Dovey, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Literal Sleeping Together, hotpockets!, Autistic Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog Has ADHD

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 3K words

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Cracking shells by "orphan_account" - https://archiveofourown.org/works/15455322

Tags: Literally one sentence mention of Knuxouge, farmer au, Sonic loves his chicks, Shadow the vet, Fluffy, Silly

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 10K words

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did i really have any of that gravity?(maybe you're quicksand) by rubyillusions - https://archiveofourown.org/works/41175252

Tags: Domestic Fluff, just fluff, soft, Established Relationship, No Plot/Plotless, literally just an excuse to write werehog sonic and also have shadow call him "my dear", (this is for you twitter user s0nadow!! heart emoji), Drabble, Short & Sweet

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 524 words

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the time has come again for stars by rubyillusions - https://archiveofourown.org/works/39462495

Tags: 5+1 Things, Slow Burn, (kind of), Enemies to Lovers, (also kind of), Flirting, rated t for use of the fuck word, Blood, Sonadow - Freeform, Everyone knows they are in love, (except for sonic and shadow but yknow. that would be too convenient), even eggman knows and he wants to kill them both, theyre just very deep in denial

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 3K words

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we are beautiful, we are doomed by rubyillusions - https://archiveofourown.org/works/39356559

Tags: 5+1 Things, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, (not really enemies more rivals but still), Fluff, Fluff and Angst, No Smut, rated teen for swearing and a few light sex jokes, Shadow the Hedgehog Needs a Hug, probably slightly ooc but this is my first sonic fic so oh well, Flirting, Bad Flirting, Sonadow - Freeform, sonic keeps flirting with shadow and shadow gay panics, rouge just wants them to stop being idiots and kiss already, and also there's one scene where they hold hands and shadow falls deeper in love than ever before, Stargazing, Existential Crisis, yknow just your average sunday, First Kiss

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 4K words

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(seep into the wounds) i've been mending by cozyqueerchaos - https://archiveofourown.org/works/44701870

Tags: Disability, Disabled Character, Mental Health Issues, Chronic Pain, Slice of Life, No Plot/Plotless, can be qpr or romantic, Past Child Abuse, Past Medical Neglect, Ableism, But also, Fluff, Team as Family

Chapters/words: 1/1 chapters, 1K words

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Hold Me Close (To Keep Away The Memories) by spittingspite - https://archiveofourown.org/works/24415819/chapters/58902865

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Sharing a Bed, Pre-Relationship, Post-Sonic Forces, Implied/Referenced Torture, could be read as platonic, but lbr you probably won't now you've seen the relationship tag, also hi idk how to tag things, so if you want me to tag something just lmk, no beta we die like men

Chapters/words: 2/2 chapters, 6K words

Please suggest more in the tags/reblogs/replies!!

I also might add my personal thoughts on these, but for now I'll just let y'all gobble these up :)

[manicpixie-tieflingboyfriend]

hhhbnnfnbfhb I'm so tired!!!! I'm so tired and done with being in pain and exhausted all the time!!!! fuck dude!!!!! I just wanna take a nap, hibernate even, until the pain stops

[frogsandfries]

Irritation stew

I've been dealing with depression since I was about seventeen. Several things that made me the happiest I'd been in years were taken away from me in quick succession and my brain has never been the same since.

And this past spring, my brain finally decided that down was easier and more natural than up, never even mind neutral and I've been carrying the formal diagnosis of "chronic major depressive disorder" for several months.

And it burns me to my core--I spoke to my dad a few years after it really hit me that I had been kind of struggling with SAD, I accused them of not even realizing anything was wrong with me and they gave me some limp-wristed (excuse the saying) bullshit about realizing something was wrong and like, thinking I'd get over it or not knowing what it was or whatever. They said if I'd admitted to suicidal thoughts, they would've had me locked up. Like that would've been a solution..... and it was like, well fuckin yeah no wonder I didn't say fuckin anything, you think that would've helped?!? Seriously??!

But the part that really steams me up is that I feel like I was...... kinda fucked by not getting any help--not when I was a teen, not in my early twenties, and not in my late twenties.

How could you look at the woman who gave birth to me and not see what was happening right in front of your eyes--how could you not see one of the very clear paths that I could fall onto??

I don't want to sleep my life away because I can't get therapy and I can't get pills. But fixing it is almost a whole lifestyle in itself, and for the most part, I like most of my present lifestyle. I like working on my graphic novel--when my work schedule isn't fucking up my sleep schedule. Not crazy about the work thing, which seems to be doing increasing fuckery to my brain the longer I spend working from home, where there's no real pressure to wear normal clothes and brush my hair and be upright and alert and socialize "normally", like not yawning in people's faces and doodling while they yammer.

I'm trying to get ahold of HR or whatever the fuck they wanna call it. I need to arrange a big, long hibernation between these intense projects without having to resort to quitting fully. I would mope about being weak or whatever, but.....I don't know how normal people do it and I'm not sure I'll ever find out. I need to do what it takes to take care of myself first and foremost. I can't make a living working four months here, off for six, working eight months here, off for four, etc.

I'm especially tired of this stupid spiderweb trap I've gotten myself into where people don't know what to say to me because I'm a feral animal who doesn't need help because I've never been helped so people end up not knowing how to help me because I don't know how to admit that I need help because I've never gotten help because I'm a feral animal because I've never gotten help..........

[thegreathomestuckreread]

feeling fiddly restless can't do shit but also just wanna go back to bed everything's weird-feeling and i wanna go outside and scream but also just curl up into a ball and allow the squirrels to bury me like a seed for winter hibernation

need someone to fucking pummel every muscle in my body until they all stop feeling like somebody's tied them up like a fucking friendship bracelet

honestly i would just go the fuck to bed but i need to finish writing this fucking work shit thing for a meeting tomorrow afternoon and there's no fucking way i'm going to finish it before the meeting if i leave it to do in the morning i learned that lesson too many times in university i am not physically capable of that it's late night or bust

my wrists feel so tired just typing this post out and i have so much typing to do >:(

and yes i know speech-to-text exists but i fucking hate hate HATE using speech to text i don't fucking think like that i'm a visual thinker i can't organize my thoughts like that

beats the shit out of a tree with my mind

[jonsnoodlearms]

today is not a good day

[starbuckie]

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐟 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

words: 4k words (goddamn i'm a slut for fluffy goodness)

warnings: angst at the beginning, fluffy goodness, bucky barnes in an apron (sexy sexy man), civil war era bucky, yn’s family lives on the west coast go norcal go), gingerbread making this is very christmas indulgent

summary: y/n l/n is very much a family girl. she enjoys spending time with her parents and her nieces, to get to taste her traditional family cookies in the suburbs of california, but living in new york has its consequences, snowstorms being just one of them. she doesn’t know how she’ll make it through the holiday season without getting to go home, but it’s a good thing that there’s always a pretty, blue-eyed, metal-armed super soldier always willing to help her out.

a/n: i’m tired. i’m very very tired. but as long as i have me bucko i think i’ll be okay🥰 please do enjoy, and happy holidays my babies <33 reblog and comment if you really wanna make me happy !!

main masterlist || sebastian stan characters masterlist

December 20. A stupid, no-good, absolutely goddamn awful day. Sure, it was beautiful. Winter looked good on New York, especially upstate where the plentiful trees let snow rest on their branches and children sloshed across the ground for a small bit of warmth. Opalescent lakes froze over, catching a certain serenity in its gaze, animals hibernating by its pretty sight to create the most Hallmark image in the world. Despite everything wonderful the New York holiday season had to offer Y/N, she loved to spend her holidays in the slightly warmer air of California. The salty breeze of San Francisco and the misty fog that rolled over her head on Christmas walks with her two little nieces were just too good to pass up. After all, this was the year Mona and Cici were five and she had bets that they finally remembered her name. Auntie Y/N did have a nice ring to it.

But this year, the New York weather had proved to be a little stubborn when it came to getting home. The Avenger should’ve expected it, with the immense amounts of snow clouding up the sky and the streets of the East coast, but she had held out all hope. Until now.

“Your flight is cancelled, my ass!” The woman yelled. The words echoed around her room, making them just that more real that she wouldn’t be home, her real home, for the holidays this year. “This is goddamn bullshit.”

“Shut the fuck up, Y/N.” Sam groaned from the room next to hers. Her wallmate was normally up at the same time as her, an early-riser superstar, Sam Wilson was. He also shared her love for the holidays and for his own family, but the difference between the two of them was that his sister and nephews were already in state for their visit.

Turning to the wall the noise came from, she knocked it a few times just to piss her friend off. “Fuck off, bird-brain, my plane home got cancelled. Stupid fucking snowstorm.” Y/N turned her phone off and flopped backwards into the bed, her body bouncing a few times before coming to a rest, ending in a position that was not safe nor comfortable. She readjusted her arms that had gotten caught under the weight of the rest of her body and faced her door with a pout, only to catch sight of the two bubblegum pink suitcases filled with her clothes and souvenirs to bring back to her family. It only angered her even further.

Two knocks sounded at the door of her room and Sam walked in, baring sympathetic eyes and an apologetic smile. His pajamas were still on, his Yoda ones with the stupid, matching house slippers, eyes bloodshot from the crazy night before.

It was no secret that Y/N enjoyed the holidays, having filled the Avengers compound with garlands of popcorn, blue and white baubles, even going as far as to ask the staff who came in what they celebrated so all would feel welcome during their stay, no matter how long of short it may be. Her excitement for her family and the holiday cheer radiated through the walls of the darkened facility, and while normally the other Avengers enjoyed her spirit, they really just wanted to damn sleep after their drunken movie night that had ended at three in the morning.

Said drunken movie night may have included a very tipsy Wanda giving a very blushful Vision a lap dance and Sam had also been victim to a terrible, just terrible, lap dance from one Tony Stark.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I didn’t know you were having a shitty day. It sucks you can’t go home this year.” The kind man came to sit next to his close friend on the bed, rubbing her shin with his left hand. “There’s just no easy solution for these kinds of things.”

Her heart ached for home. For the first time in nearly two decades, she wouldn’t be sitting with her parents at the dinner table, setting a roasted turkey on the table to share with family. But she moved on. There was no use in crying over something she couldn’t change. She sighed, shoving her face into the comforter below her. “Yeah, it kinda blows, but it’s kinda freeing too, I guess.”

The man next to her cocked a brow at her statement, facing her as he asked, “What do mean by that?”

“Well,” she began to get up, shuffling her legging-clad legs up to her chest, “I’ve never not been home for the holidays. I’ll miss my family and Mona and Cici aren’t gonna get their presents in time because Postal Service is down too, but I get to spend the holidays in the compound this year. With you guys. My second family. Which should be more fun because now I can be naughty,” she exaggerated her last word, jokingly winking at her friend with a smirk.

“I’m glad you’re able to find the light in this, Y/N, I'm really proud of you,” Sam grinned genuinely before adding, “Also never knew you were capable of handling anything maturely.”

Y/N huffed out a laugh and grabbed a pillow to launch at his face as he squealed in fear. “Shut the hell up, I’m more adult than the rest of the group combined.” Her friend just took her assault and flung the pillow harder at her, making her catastrophically hit the mattress below her and bang her head on the headboard, but before she could say anything, someone interrupted her complaint.

“That is horseshit, dolly, don’t be makin’ up lies,” a voice sounded from the door of her room. Sam was shit at remembering to close it, she should’ve guessed. Recognizable footsteps padded across the floor, letting her know that someone else had entered her bedroom. It was the beat up black boots, the grey sweatpants, and the cologne scent of cedarwood that always hung off them to let her know that it was-

“Tin Man!” Sam beamed, “you made it just in time for the pity party.” As soon as he said Bucky’s (nick)name, she flew up from where she had fallen on her back, straightening out her hair and trying to look less out of place than she was with her previous lazy airplane-lounging attire. Her attraction to the man was… less than subtle. It had only gotten worse over the year she’d known him so his unexpected arrival made her absolutely rigid. Bucky’s large presence seemed to make everything that much more awkward, his blue-grey eyes wide with surprise at Sam’s outburst. “Can you stay here with Y/N? She’s whinier than usual and I need coffee before I can handle both that and a hangover.”

Before the metal-armed man could speak, Sam zipped out of the room. Y/N also swore that at that moment that she could kill Sam Wilson. The damn idiot knew of her infatuation with the supersoldier (the whole compound did), and it was no coincidence that he had left the two alone in her room. “He’s-”

“Annoying, that's what the bastard is,” Y/N grinned. She ruffled her hair into something slightly better than before, pulling herself up to cross her legs. She only took a glance up to the tall man, before adding, “You don’t have to stay, Buck, really, I’m just being butthurt about nothin’ serious.”

“Hey, darlin’, I don’t mind it. I like spendin’ time with you,” Bucky grimaced as he sat himself on the edge of the bed precariously, being mindful of his large frame interrupting her bubble of personal space. Way to be corny, asshat. He was always a little too worried about being too forward with her. Just her. It was no coincidence that the bird man had left the two of them together because he took every moment he could to taunt the frustrated, lovesick man ever since he’d confessed his love for her a few months back. He gently moved his eyes up to hers, only to find her staring at him already. “I, uh, I heard that you couldn’t go to California this year. I’m real sorry.”

If you keep worrying about me in that damn Brooklyn accent, I’m going to have to kill you. Y/N sighed, letting a small upturn of her lips take over. “Am I really that loud that you can hear me from down the hall?”

“Darlin’” Bucky chuckled, “you know you are.” Both of them shared a short, sweet laugh about it. Something about the way he teased her, it wasn’t mean, it wasn’t rude, it just made her feel fuzzy and tipsy, like his words were the sweetest, most potent wine she’d drunk.

“That’s very true, Buck,” she sighed. “I think I’ll be okay, I’m just gonna miss my family a lot, but I have you guys here with me too. I can celebrate in some Avengers family traditions this holiday.”

Bucky grinned, testing the waters by scooching closer to the top of her bed where she sat up against the frame, laying a friendly hand on her knee. Thousands of goosebumps spread across her skin at the light of his touch, and she had to stop her heart from beating so furiously loud because she just knew he could hear it. “‘M afraid we don’t do anything except eat dinner and drink together over the holidays. Or what I’ve experienced, anyways. It's not as bright when we don’t have our resident sunshine,” Y/N’s face burned at his slight flirt, and she knew that there was no use in hiding her swelling heart anymore. “Maybe you could bring some of your sunny California traditions over to New York this year. We need more fun things to do, doll.”

A little smile curled at Y/N’s lips, her eyes suddenly glazing over as if she were entranced in a memory. Her fingers started to play with the ones laid on her knee, fidgeting around as she remembered her baby nieces and fond times with her family. “Well, each year I decorate cookies with the younger kids in the family and we go bring them to the senior center near my sister’s house. Her kids were born about five years back, Cici and-”

“Mona, I remember.” Chubby-cheeks, toothless grins, and wide, innocent eyes staring into the camera, wearing matching tutus and shirts for their second birthday three years prior. When he had first seen the picture, he noticed that it was something he had wanted before the war. Something he still longed for, but definitely couldn’t have. If he could though, it would only be with the woman playing with his fingers and sitting right in front of him. “Real cute kids,” he noted.

Y/N nodded and glanced out of the window in her room, watching the snow come down hard on those poor people who had to walk during the harsh weather.

“Well, dolly, I know for a fact that I saw that Tony stocked up on some ingredients from the recent grocery store run.” Bucky saw her ears perk up at his words and he had to hold back a chuckle. “We could go bake some cookies and hand them out at the women’s shelter in Hell’s Kitchen that you always sneak off to right before training. You always have a shitty excuse for being late.”

Her face heated up at being caught, but nonetheless the idea was appealing to her. But an entire day spent doing her family traditions with the sweetest man alive? Yeah, she could definitely get with that idea. “Thought I was bein’ subtle,” she murmured.

“You up for the challenge, darlin’? You’re the only person I know who makes good cookies here, and this is not an easy mission,” he bounced off the bed with a small crack of his old, prehistoric bones, and offered out his metal arm like a true gentleman of his time.

“Challenge accepted.” She took Bucky’s offered arm, which he then used to scoop her up and tossed her frame over his right shoulder as she erupted into a fit of giggles. “Christ, Buck, you could give a girl a warning.”

As they made their way down the long, never-ending route to the familial kitchen, Bucky noted her festive decorations she had set up around their living quarters. He really couldn’t imagine a world without the sparkle she brought to their everyday lives. “You made this place look like a damn hotel, Y/N, you ever thought about becoming an interior designer?”

“Few times,” Y/N quipped back, watching the sight of the cranberry garlands behind his back. “But my parents thought I should pursue a STEM-related major in college so I have to live with the everyday burden of never knowing my true potential.”

“Shut up,” Bucky chuckled, slapping the back of her thigh.

The two laughing Avengers laughed through the hallways of the compound, passing Sam and Steve with mission briefings in hand. “You two look like you’re having fun,” Steve commented with a smirk. He knew very well of Bucky’s thing for Y/N, but he was surprised to see that the brunette had gathered up the courage to have a full on conversation with, much less be holding her on his shoulder.

“Bucky’s taking me to bake some holiday cookies since I can’t visit my family this year.” Y/N yelled, looking up at the two men walking past them. “It’s gonna be loads of fun.”

“I’m sure it will be, kid.” Steve ruffled her hair and she stuck her tongue out at him, watching him laugh at the inability she had to mess up his hair as well.

The kitchen was still empty as when Bucky saw it, the bags of groceries from Safeway stacked neatly in the center of the counter. Bucky let Y/N down, after of course letting her kiss him on his scruffy cheek and watching a pretty blush rise to his face, and scrummage through the bags. There were more eggs, because Sam seemed to go through a carton of them in just two sittings, oat milk, two percent milk, non-fat milk (after taking out the third different type of milk she realized that they really were picky eaters), a bag of brown sugar, and her favorite instant coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts.

“Oh, thank God Tony got more coffee, whoever’s been drinking mine has been driving me insane.” She stashed the box away in her snack cabinet, hoping that whoever the sneaky coffee stealer was wouldn’t take it again. Bucky yelped and Y/N turned quickly, meeting the sight of a metal-armed supersoldier’s chest and shirt covered in some sort of dark syrup. “Buck, what did you do?”

His lips turned into an adorable frown, metal arm squeaking as he tried to remove the substance from the intricate, golden plates. “I tried to take it out and open it but it just spilled all over me.” Y/N laughed, grabbing towels as his frown turned even deeper. “It’s not funny, I’m all gross now.”

“You were already gross before, Barnes,” he feigned an offended gasp at her little jab as she scrubbed at his arms and tried hard not to gape at his biceps.

“And here I was thinking that we were friends,” he admonished with a wide smile. “What is this crap anyway, it says here… uh, molasses.” Bucky read the word slowly, sounding out each syllable like a kindergartener.

“Ooh, that’s the stuff that makes gingerbread chewy. You should know, grandpa,” Y/N did the best she could to clean him up and patted his arm when her attempts remained fruitless.

“No use, Y/N, ‘m just gonna take my shirt off.”

Well, she certainly wasn't one to object.

With one swift motion, he pulled his tee off, revealing the hours upon hours he put into the ropes of muscle vining up and down his torso. She had to avert her eyes quickly, careful to not ogle him for too long. She had plenty of time to do that during the trainings she was always so late to.

“Let’s get baking,” she distracted herself from his half-naked state, calling out to the A.I. living in their, well, everywhere. “Hey, F.R.I.D.A.Y, how many women and children are currently at the Hell’s Kitchen Women’s Shelter?”

“There are currently fifty-four residents in the Hell’s Kitchen Women’s Shelter, sixteen of whom are children. Would you like me to send an email that you and Sergeant Barnes will be dropping by later?”

“That would be lovely, F.R.I.D.A.Y, thank you.” Bucky started pulling out the bins of baking materials from around the kitchen. The two sorted through the groceries pointing out which could be used for making cookies. “Oh, Buck, we could make gingerbread! We have all the ingredients for it anyway.”

Y/N looked so excited, her eyes wide with excitement and lips turned up in the cutest of all smiles. He didn’t stand a chance against the adorable woman. “Whatever you say, chef.” He presented her with an apron matching the one he now wore, a canvas cut one with pretty burnt orange trim. She ducked her head so he could drop the neck of it around her neck, then turned her in a quick motion so he could tie her back.

With the set up instructions from F.R.I.D.A.Y and Bing Crosby’s Christmas album playing softly in the room, they began their gingerbread cookie journey together. Bucky took the baking as no joke, compliant to each and every one of Y/N’s instructions as he marched around the kitchen in his far-too-small apron. If she asked him to grab some milk from the fridge, he was grabbing two cartons. If she asked him to fold in spices to the early stage of dough, he was asking her what the hell folding was. They worked nearly harmoniously, but despite the few bumps in the road due to his inexperience in the kitchen, his heart was jumping with emotions and pure happiness. Peace had never felt so good.

Or maybe it was what Sam liked to call being pussy-whipped.

“What the hell is a clove? Y/N, do we have cloves?” Bucky asked confusedly. Y/N, standing on a tall step stool to access the cabinets, turned around to see him staring at the recipe with furrowed brows, a little crinkle between his eyebrows and a small frown curling his lips. It was a cute sight, watching the old man try to understand the more modern recipe and she’d be lying if she said the heartwarming image didn’t make her a little… possessive of him.

“We have the cloves, Bucky, don’t worry. They’re the mini flower buds that smell really good and we’ve already added clove powder to the dough, shit-”

Y/N, though she was graceful and poised in the battlefield, was nowhere near as poised anywhere else. The stool she stood on to search for ingredients fell off balance, completely toppling to the side and taking her down with it.

Before she could even have time to process what was happening, a pair of muscled arms wrapped underneath her legs and back, holding her up right above the ground. Bucky peered down at her, his blue eyes wide with concern and the most panicked looking expression on his face.

“Are you okay, darlin’?” He asked quietly. Only then did Y/N realize how close they were, his hot breath mixing with hers, lips so close that if she were to tilt her head up just a centimeter, she’d be exactly where she wanted to be. Y/N seemed to search his eyes for some sort of signal, just a sign that he wanted the same thing as her, but his eyes remained blank, yet nonetheless beautiful, and she dejectedly dropped from his hold.

Her legs swung around his arms, setting herself on the floor shaily. “Yeah, um, I’m fine, thank you, Buck.” She sent him a melancholy smile, one that covered up her heart as well as she could. The task of baking cookies felt a lot less lively now, but Y/N just had to push past the waves of rejection that the small moment had created. “We-we’ve already preheated the oven so-”

“Hey, Y/N?” She hummed quietly, turning to him absentmindedly before Bucky’s lips were on hers, his large hands cradling her waist gently as if she were the most delicate thing he’d ever known to his touch. Quickly she pulled away, pressing softly against his chest, and saw that he was just as flushed as she felt, her cheeks burning without a single coherent thought in her mind. Bucky seemed to sense her alarm though, only tightening his firm hold on her, letting her know that he was there. And he was hers. “You’re really fuckin’ pretty.”

There must’ve been a clear change in her demeanor as Bucky smirked, maybe even chuckled, at the awestruck expression on Y/N’s face as he pulled her back into his arms and kissed her again. It was hot and messy this time, her legs nearly damn giving out as she pushed her tongue through his parted lips, eliciting a low groan from the man in front of her, but if this was heaven then she would take hot and messy everyday. Cold fingers found their way around Bucky’s neck, the drag of her nails across his skin making him just that much more crazy about her.

When he finally forced himself to pull away, of course only due to the lack of breath they both had, his left hand came to cradle her face, enjoying the clearer view of her swollen lips and hazy eyes. Her lips lifted upwards for a millisecond before a look of shock came over her features. “You ate some of the cookie dough, you goddamn thief! I knew the batch looked smaller than before, I can taste the damn stuff on you,” she fought a grin off her swollen lips, jabbing a pointer finger into his hard, muscly chest and tried to look upset.

Bucky’s head tilted back with his nose scrunched adorably, his laughter echoing in the small kitchen. “That was the best goddamn kiss of my life and that’s all you have to say? I gave you some of my best work and you’re now accusing me of cookie dough thievery.”

“You can get salmonella from that, you hear me? Salmonella. The chicken egg disease. Then I’d never kiss you again.” Bucky smacked another one on her, the lingering hints of ginger and brown sugar turning her lips upwards as she giggled against him. “But you do taste very, very good. We’re damn expert bakers, handsome.”

He spoke against her intoxicating smile, pressing her chest against his as he lifted her up and onto a very small patch of clean counter. “What about the fact that I like you? A hell of a lot too. That’s gotta count for something.”

She pulled away from him as he nearly whimpered from the loss of her lips on his and hopped down from the counter, beckoning him to the side of the counter that held the dough he’d stolen a bite from earlier. “I could never forget about that, Buck.”

He watched with admiration as she placed her hands on top of his from where he stood behind her, using both of their force to flatten the gingerbread dough with a roller. Bucky’s chin came to rest on her shoulder and he kissed the peak of her cheekbone gently. It was so domestic, two of the most hardcore Avengers baking cookies, something that was a part a real life outside fighting, something that neither of them thought they would ever have in the superhero life. But they found each other, and together, who knew what would be next? “And, Bucky, honey, I think you’re really fuckin’ pretty too.”

[rnainframe]

oh yeah i almost forgot

on Thursday it was confirmed, my mom and i have covid

it hasn't been life threatening 🤞✊✊✊(me knocking on wood) but it's fucking SUCKED

here's some stuff to watch out for if you're ever worried your sickness isn't just the sniffles:

sore throat. like, swallowing feels like gulping gravel sore. extremely dry and itchy and dull of phlegm. you're gonna lose your voice at least a little bit. coughing will hurt like hell but you need to get the mucus out

congestion, pressure, itching, pain, etc in your nose. if it isn't running at any given time you're probably getting drainage. savor any moments where you can miraculously breathe through both, let alone one nostril whenever you're laying down

weakness and pain and aches in your muscles and joints. it hasn't been as bad since the first few days, but any kind of pressure or usage on your muscles and joints are gonna make it throb. just sitting back in a chair made it feel like my hips aged several decades and just holding my head up made my neck hurt

chills. really, really bad chills. i felt like my house was below freezing and couldn't stop shaking until i slept directly on top of my heating pad with it cranked all the way up. you don't even have to necessarily be feverish for this to get this bad. get warm and stay warm, because if this happens with the aches it's going to hurt really bad

you might still be able to taste stuff at the cost of it tasting fucking disgusting, especially if you hate or are sensitive to bitterness. unfortunately, you need to stay hydrated Or Else so you're gonna have to either suck it up and drink the nasty water or find a beverage that's flavored strongly enough to be edible without upsetting your stomach. 7-up is my go to sick drink and I've been keeping a two liter on top of the vent by my bed to keep it cold

the need to go into hibernation, i am so much more tired than usual and this is coming from someone with fatigue that makes him wanna sleep all the time as is, and it Sucks because the other symptoms on the list makes sleep impossible unless stifled by heavy medication

obviously this isn't an end all be all thing but. I'm pretty sure what my mom and i have is omicron and here's what we've had in common! mask the fuck up, get your shots, get tested, and avoid people if you feel even a little bit sick just in case - you're contagious pretty much the entire time the virus is in you anymore and it's gonna last an average of ten whole days

the vaccination will not make you immune, but it WILL make you safer! this is my first time getting it and so far it's basically been like getting strep and the flu at the same time

[zombieee-queen]

I've been feeling better the last 5 days or so, COVID seems to have fucked off (after 3+ weeks of feeling like dog shit) but today I woke up and I feel like I'm trying to move through treacle.

I am so tired that I have to sit here with my eyes closed to feel even a little relaxed. My stomach is churning, I'm congested again, my head hurts so much, and I'm still coughing.

Also, I'm due my period in a few days so that's also making me feel rough and I just wanna hibernate until this is all gone.

[probably-lucifer]

Guess it's time to listen to Simple Plan and be depressed because I get payed 11$ an hour, but I live in Texas and that's not enough for me to live in a relatively safe neighborhood by myself so I'm stuck living with my mother who treats me like I'm fucking 16 when I'm goddamn 23 or treats me like I'm 34 when she needs a fucking shoulder to cry on because she can't make fucking friends but no no, don't worry, she SURE doesn't need depression when every single fucking time she has a fight with her, admittedly damn near fucking perfect boyfriend (he's great, we've talked about this) she thinks they're gonna break up and ya'know what, I'm 100% certain they'll get married, they fucking talked about it on their first date, it's ridiculous and I might be more stressed by this than I thought but whatever it's this and cry or cry and be alone with these thoughts... Sometimes I really wish I was dead but like, not actively... I wish I had money for therapy

And dammit I fucking hate my job, I do not want to work, I never wanted to but I accepted it cause I thought I can handle some mean customers but FUCK I'M AN INTROVERT WITH DEPRESSION AND I NEED TO BE ALONE MORE THAN THIS! AND, and it's not even the social requirements and creepy old men that make me feel disgusting and hate my body and make me want to hide everything everywhere for like all of fucking eternity and I can't even fucking mention any of that because half of it is "I'm having an I want to be a boy/they but with a dick and without boob's day" finally bought a sports bra today BTW so that's nice and the other half is "God I was wrong all men are pigs" which she'll agree with but I'll hate myself for saying let alone thinking because God fucking dammit that's not fucking true and it's a lie to perpetually pit men and women against each other for the patriarchal capatilism and all that fucking bullshit, and THEN she'll tell me she has it worse as a stripper (she does, I don't want to hear that when I just want to fucking rant my god) and honestly I just feel like I'm drowning again and it was so. fucking. HARD to dig myself out of that last time and I don't want to do it again because it hurts so bad and god I nearly destroyed myself last time and I'm just, so, fucking, tired, and I'm so, fucking, stressed, and I just, god I wish I could fucking hibernate or something

This is actually one off the best ways I've heard depression described, and it's a really good song

Fuck I just want to go live in the fucking mountains and own one fluffy black dog and three cats and just exist. Or just die in peace but I can't afford either and FUCK I want to live alone but 490$ (if I'm able to get the hours) a paycheck is NOT enough to live on and I CANNOT get a second job because my feet already hurt too much and my ankles are still fucked up from when I was like 16 and my back has joined and my shoulders and I have an eating disorder which has been surprisingly quiet this month so that's a nice B-Day present from my issues thanks @ me and I honestly just can't fucking afford anything without wanting to die, I have needed new underwear for a year at least and I just spent 70 dollars on that, a sports bra, a 7$ bottle off hair lightener and two packs of gum. I have to pay 130$ a month which would be fine if that was all I was paying, but I can't say no and my mom owes 81$ and that's fucking 281$ and how am I supposed to save up for anything? An apartment or house or whatever? A fucking car I don't want because they fucking terrify me because when I was 16 I had horrific and gruesome nightmares for six months straight (sixteen was a really bad year for me, wow, the movies really do lie that much) of everyone I love getting into various horrible car accidents.

I hate it so much. Everyone I work with is super nice and understanding and cool and helpful and chill and I like them but I'm just so fucking stressed and I hate everything and I wanna die and I can't say that because then everyone thinks it's their fucking fault or their godamned problem and their responsibility and like, no????? You weren't here when I was 16 and I didn't need you then and I don't need you now but FUCK I wish I did, I wish I would let myself need my friends but I can't trust that to them, I can't put this hurt on them because I am everyone else's problem solver and I know, I FUCKING KNOW what it feels like when someone unloads their fucking life story on you and you're not in the right place or even when you are, I am EVERYONE'S therapist and friend and confident and it fucking sucks and it hurts and I hate it I hate it so much I can't tell them to shut up and leave me alone either because I love them and they're my friends and I care so much it fucking hurts and I don't know, I don't know what else, I just know that depending on people hurts because so so rarely does it work out in my favor, so rarely do I have a friend to depend on in the end and it's scary and I hate it I hate it so much I just don't want to deal with this anymore.

I'm gonna go read and listen to music or something, I'll check in tomorrow so you don't worry if you read this far...

[whatwejave]

I'm a homebody

As much as i enjoy other human beings, I still crave for solitude. Even with people I care about the most. I love them, I truly do, don't get me wrong. It's just that sometimes I want to escape from everything. I envy those people who can talk to their friends about everything and not feel they overshared. 'Cause there's a part of me that takes over when I'm not careful.

Is it really right to feel this way? I don't wanna be skeptical of my own solitude but idk i think it's unhealthy for me and those around me. Maybe if I could just tone it down a bit? Like maybe stop pushing others away? It's so hypocritical of me to try and make myself available for others and encourage them to open up, but when it's me? When will I ask for other people's help? When will I let others to check in on me? Why the fuck am I so complicated? I'm so tired of slipping into an extreme case of social hibernation that comes before or after a big change. Cos believe it or not, I just fucking did it again, this time with someone I really care about. I'm tired of hurting her. Do i really deserve someone like her?

Am I okay?

I just wish it were that easy to explain to everyone how I feel.

[5hfanfiction]

Too Close To Home - Chapter 14

A loud excessive bang wakes me from my slumber.

I begrudgingly throw my covers and slide off bed, stomping my way to the door. I’m too tired for this shit, waking a person up at this time should be illegal in my opinion.

As I open the offensive object, Lauren came into view. She seems… angry. Her eyes are burning, her body stiff as she looks at me, breathing heavily as she does so.

“How did you get in?” I ask, confused

“That doesn’t matter,” she spits, walking towards me as she continues, “Why did you intentionally try to make me jealous?”

“What?”

“You think I don’t know you? You did it deliberately. Every time you make flirty jokes, your eyes would wander on mine for a second to see my reaction. Do you think I’m stupid or something?” she growls, walking like a predator circling it’s prey, slowly trying to devour the scared animal - in this case, me.

What’s happening?

“Wha-? No..” I walk backwards subconsciously, away from Lauren.

“Then I’ll ask again. Why did you intentionally try to make me jealous? Was it because you want a reaction from me?” My back hits the wall across from the door. Lauren traps me, using her hands to captivate me by placing them on both sides of my head.

“I-”

“You what?”

“I-I wanted to pu-punish you because you were being stupid,” I stutter, scared to look at her eyes as I do so.

“How was I being stupid?”

“You had your girl on your arm, and yet, you’re je-jealous of another girl.” The close proximity is dampening the air, making me feel like I’m in a dream.

“Well, that’s not stupid..” She moves her hand from the wall to the collar of my hoodie, “this is.” She drags me to the bed beside us and push me on it. I yelped from the sudden move.

She then crawls on top of me, one of her leg in between mine. She looks at me. Even if the room is relatively dark, illuminated by only the small lamp on the corner of the room, her eyes were still bright enough for me to see that her pupils are dilating. She’s aroused.

She pushes her thigh against my sex, making me moan in pleasure. She leans on me, making an indication that she’s going to kiss me.

That’s when I jolt awake - for real this time. My body are sweating and my panties are incredibly damp from the dream. I’m usually the one on top when it comes to bedroom activities but let’s be honest here, Lauren is hot when she’s possessive and dominant.

That’s when I start to register as to what happened. I had a wet dream about Lauren, what the actual fuck?

I look around, finding Dinah with her back on me on the bed. Oh My God! I had an almost-sex-dream about Lauren. And I didn’t even think of Lucy during the rest of the dream. Holy- If it were to actually happen, would I have accepted it like I had in my dream?

An abrupt vibration stops me from my train of thoughts.

Lauren [3.17am]: You awake? 😶

Me [3.17am]: Yeah, what's up?

Lauren [3.18am]: I can't sleep 😭😭

Me [3.19am]: Me neither.

I mean, it’s not technically a lie. I don’t think I could sleep now.

Lauren [3.19am]: You wanna go out?

Me [3.19am]: It's 3 Lauren, what can we do at three in the morning?

Lauren [3.21am]: We could go to the beach?

Me [3.21am]: I think I've had enough beach visitation for a day, don't you think?

Lauren [3.22am]: Fine~ how about just cruising?

Me [3.22am]: I don't know 🤔🤔. Won't Lucy be mad?

Lauren [3.23am]: She's asleep..

Me [3.23am]: That doesn't make it right..

Lauren [3.23am]: She's asleep and I don't wanna wake her. Besides, she's all for us being friends again.

I refrain from texting, “This isn’t really a friendly thing to do,” because what the hell do I know? Our friendship was quite different from the start, what makes me think that it would change now? I already decided to accept, but not without playing a little.

Me [3.25am]: Fine.. But on one condition.

Lauren [3.25am]: What is it? 🙄🙄

Me [3.26am]: I want you to beg.. Just say please.

Lauren [3.27am]: Please..

Me [3.27am]: Full sentence..

Lauren [3.28am]: Urghh.. So annoying.. omg.

Lauren [3.28am]: Would you PLEASE come out because I'm already waiting outside your door?

Me [3.30am]: You are?

Lauren [3.30am]: Yesss.. Can you PLEASE get ready now..

Me [3.31am]: Alright.. Alright.. So bossy..

Lauren [3.32am]: You were the one who wants me to beg, you sadistic ass..

Me [3.35am]: Enough with the technicalities.. Give me 5 minutes to get ready.

And with that, I tuck my phone in my jean pocket, brush my teeth, and fix my hair.

Once I think I’m presentable enough, I walk out, but not without hearing a moan from a hibernating Dinah.

“Mmm.. Mani.. Please.”

My eyes were wide as saucers at that. Why does she sound like she’s having sex with.. Mani??

What the hell is happening? Whaaaaat?

I shake my head. It’s too late to dwell on something I can’t really answer myself. Another question for another day.

I walk to the front door, opening it softly to find Lauren leaning against the wall with her phone on her hand.

She’s wearing a grey hoodie with black ripped jeans. The vivid dream I just had not 30 minutes ago crossed my mind, making me blush at that thought. She looks hot as fuck, even if she just got out of bed.

I feel like this is a way for God to torture me.. I’m already sexually frustrated as it is.

“FYI, You’re the bossy one here..” she starts.

“You’re such a kid.. Let it go.” I laugh.

She just huffs in response. We ride the way down to her rented car silently. She looks like she’s still cogitating on our banter.

“By the way.. I’m not the childish one here, you are,” she says while starting up her the car, bringing our conversation back.

I laugh. I knew it. She’s so easy to aggravate. “Not trying to be technical here, but technically, you are.. You can’t let things go.”

“I can-”

“Another example how you can’t let it go. Lauren.. let it go-”

“Fine,” she sighs exasperatedly. “I’m not childish,” she murmurs to herself, “you are.”

We drive around the block for a minute before actually driving further away to nowhere. Her phone was plugged in with the system’s auxiliary port, playing her songs from Spotify.

“Why do you wanna drive around?” I ask.

“I told you.. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Yeah.. but why?”

“I don’t know exactly.. I love car rides. It sort of gives me a sense of clarity. Like, driving in the middle of the night has those 2 things that I love. Music and Movement. I could listen to songs while laying on the bed, but I would feel like I’m freezing in motion. I don’t like it. I feel like I’m wasting my time staying still. I mean, sure, driving around to nowhere is technically wasting time, but the motion enables me to manipulate my mind into thinking I’m moving, yknow?”

“Besides, being under the wheels, it gives me a sense control. You know how management and the label were controlling our lives? Well, after you left, that hasn’t changed. So now, being able to control where we’re going gives me tranquility. It’s the only thing that I could control.”

“Did you stop writing? You usually express them on your journal.”

“I write too, but I guess it’s not enough anymore. I’m just so fed up with how I can’t do things without their consultation. It’s crazy.. Like, legally I’m an adult, but at the same time.. I’m not. I have those contracts hanging over my head.”

“I understand. Sort of the reason why I quit.” A few seconds of silence ensued before I eventually ask, “How about.. we write a song together? You could sing with me but you don’t have to if you don’t wanna or can’t. At least that way, you could express your mind vicariously through me.”

She turns to me for a second, smiling fondly, “I would love that.”

We drive around more, the street lights illuminating her structured face as we pass them. She looks beautiful, even if she doesn’t have any make up on, even if her hair is tied into a messy bun, even if she’s not wearing tight dresses, worthy of the red carpets. On the contrary, this is actually the time I think she looks most beautiful, because it shows that she’s human too. She’s basically a God on the red carpet, so knowing that she has those moments where there are ketchup stains on her hoodie, it kind of makes me lay off on trying to beautify myself externally.

“Are you hungry?” She asks.

“When am I not?”

“Fair enough,” she laughs, “there’s a burger place I know that opens 24 hours, wanna go?”

“Sure.”

***

“Omg.. This is heaven.” I say with my mouth full.

“I know….” She laughs at me when she saw the ketchup drips from my mouth.

This is another reason why I like Lauren’s company. She doesn’t care if I look gross right now. Yes, she’s laughing at me, but it’s not in a condescending way, she’s laughing at me as if I made a joke.

We are now in the car, eating a takeaway burger place in front of us. We could eat inside but stupid Lauren decided that she wants to eat in the car instead.

But now that I’m making a mess, I’m pretty sure she’s regretting it.

“I feel like you have a hole on your mouth.. How could a person drip that much sauce?” she says, gesturing me.

“Shut up, you’re the one who wants to eat in a claustrophobic space. Lauren, seriously, I’m not cleaning my mess.”

“No one asked you to, but now that you mention it, you kinda have to.”

“Fuck you.”

“Gladly,” she smirks, making me recall the dream again.

I blush excessively, making my face shade like the sauce that is currently dripping down my mouth.

“Hey, I’m just joking,” she says guiltily when she saw my face.

We clean up everything once we were done and continue driving around. But we’re silent now, the friendly banter absent.

“So, you and Ariana..”

I sigh, of course.

“What’s happening between you guys?”

“What do you mean?” I play dumb. Ariana’s obviously straight, I don’t even understand why she’s asking me this.

“Are you interested in her?” she murmurs.

“Nope.”

“Are you sure? You guys seemed… close.”

“We’re not. I don’t like her.. like that. She’s my friend.”

“But.. you were my friend and you liked me.. like that.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Because,” I sigh, exasperated. She’s being completely unfair and petty right now. I can’t exactly say that we were never platonic in the first place, considering that we’re trying to be friends. So, I went with a vague one instead, “I was never attracted to Ariana like I was with you.”

I know she doesn’t deserve even an answer. I do. It’s just that I don’t want to have these tensions between us.

“Okay..” she says, finally letting the topic go, but not before a barely audible, “was,” slips out of her mouth. I don’t think she wanted me to hear that, so I let it go.

“So how long are you going to stay here? Before going back on tour?”

“I have another concert in the next two days before going back on the road. This is actually the longest break I have in quite some time. Schedule has always been crazy, I don’t know why I thought it would change.”

“True.. What are your plans now?”

“Well, Dinah mentioned about clubbing later at night. She said that we should all go to a club because tomorrow could be our lazy day. If we go out tomorrow, I could have a hangover by the time the soundcheck starts so that’s a huge no. Wanna join?”

“I, uh, have the date night with Lucy.”

“Oh… Okay then,” I say softly. No matter how hard I try to hide my disappointment, she seems like she can see through my emotions like a glass.

“Maybe we could come by after that?” She says hopefully.

“No.. Don’t, it’s your day with her.”

“I don’t think she’ll mind..”

“But you said you guys barely have time alone, today’s your day.”

“But-.. Yeah, alright,” she says, adding a nod, seemingly trying to convince herself that it’s the right thing to do.

***

The sun was already up by the time we park the car on the car park reserved for the hotel guests. I went to my room while she went to hers.

A few minutes later, my phone vibrated against my thigh.

Lauren [6.32am]: That was fun… We should do it again sometime.

Me [6.34am]: Yeah… Sure.

Lauren [6.35am]: By the way, Lucy knows that we went out. She was awake by the time I came in. Told you she doesn't mind.

Me [6.36am]: Really? Damn, I wouldn't have reacted accordingly.

Lauren [6.37am]: Ahahhaha 😂😂..

Lauren [6.37am]: Alright.. Sweet dreams, Camz…

Me [6.39am]: Goodnight..🌙

I turn off my phone and stare at the ceiling with Dinah snoring beside me.

I’m convinced, Lauren is a hurricane.

What is she doing to me?

[blujayonthewing]

all I wanna do is sleep through the entire month of november but we’ve ALREADY got PLANS for MOST OF THE WEEKENDS IN NOVEMBER

[elysianslove]

it's okay if u don't find it <3 i'm quite sad i can't read most of the stuff you've posted yet bc it's still so busy >:( literally wanna hibernate for an entire month now

and yeah i'm feeling better!! still kinda stressed but i figured i'll just do what i always do and take things as they go and just focus on doing what i can,,,i'm v tired tho >:( and i probably won't get any rest even after i finish this semester bc lots of stuff r coming up</3

BIG SIGH sometimes i just wanna be a dumb baby. my brain is tired i just want someone else to do the thinking for me 😴 AND ARE U GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP BECAUSE MISS MAAM.......THAT BODY CLOCK AIN'T RIGHT —🦊

it’s okay my love take your time! they’ll be here whenever you’re done, and so will i :)

im sorry you’re still feeling stressed but you got this !! i promise you!! it’s v bad now but you’ll be unbelievably proud of yourself and satisfied after! it’ll be worth it i promise <3

PLS MY SLEEP IS SO FUCKED RIP I HATE THIS SHIT <//3 i genuinely wish i could fix it but the 2 habits i can never control are my sleep & eating habits 💔💔💔💔