#I'm so fucking tired honestly. the work is literally killing me lmao. it's just.. the past two months have been horrible for me

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Hey yall I'm having a bad time with food lately and I need to vent/celebrate but also don't want to trigger anyone

I got to eat some soup (a whole 2 cups! And half of that was mega-dense matzo balls) and have a cup of tea today, and I inhaled it before it cooled so now my mouth is burned but GOD food is the best and the worst all at once.

I'm down to 240lbs [from 315 in Feb 2024], and my muscles are the kind of fucked it is going to take a DECADE to come back from. But the food aversion episode does seem to be passing. Real glad I stopped taking the sucralose because that was definitely making it worse. Honestly I do wish that I believed this would ever really end.

Ironically, it was starting care for my food aversion eating disorder that nearly killed me the first time around, because I had to eat 2500 calories a day and the only way I could manage it was with 3 costco blueberry muffins a day alongside my usual scavenging. Which is pretty bad for you if you're allergic to wheat lmao. Anyway, within 6 months of that I was in hospital and my doctor was telling me that my digestive system was on the verge of organ failure. And literally not a single week has gone by since where I consistently cracked 1000calories a day. A lot of days like today I'm lucky to manage the 800 or so I got from the soup and the 100 I got from the fruit roll up lmao. Getting one organ out seems to have helped some things, but I think it's accelerated others, and I'm genuinely kind of worried about my health these days.

It doesn't help that I can't seem to actually get to my specialist appts, I had to reschedule sleep/migraine twice and ultimately just canceled it.

Ahhh fuck I gotta look at insurance shit for next year too, cuz like FUCK am I giving blue cross my money ever again after the shit they've put us through

I'm so tired, and I just......I don't know how much more of all this I have left in me before I can't keep it up anymore. I really need to last 6 more years in my job at least so we can get to the end of the 5yr plan and then recover a bit, but after that....maybe I finally retire to my animals and mountains. Maybe I focus on my rewilding work and give myself a real rest. Lord knows it would give me the best chance at a complete nutritional routine lmao

[memberment]

good morning everyone!

I have ruined my sleep schedule. Someone save me LMAO

(10:00) as I reach the end of what I've written for morning glory, I grow tired. I need to take a nap. Will I finally finish this Fourth of July chapter today?? Perhaps.

But no one and I mean NO ONE is allowed to let me forget I need to incorporate the mostly bit at some point. Like there are so many canon refs in here it's SCARY. I NEED THE MOSTLY BIT IT IS MY FAVORITE CARTMAN BIT. NO ONE LET ME FORGET!

(6:11) this is my third good morning of the day, second on record good morning, first on record crying over my writing.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE GONNA DIE I'M GONNA THROW UP

(I'm literally not okay I need to stop writing tragic creek)

(7:04) Guys I'm almost done with my morning glory reread and when I tell y'all I just nearly died from shock bc Craig casually mentioned he 'Doesn't believe in coincidences.' Like, it's such a benign statement but after WRITING his storyline in Genesis and randomly seeing something like that in the wild that I totally forgot about almost just took me out.

(10:20) Guys after I reread this Genesis chapter and code it I AM OFFICIALLY WORKING ON MORNING GLORY AGAIN LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO (This Fourth of July chapter will get finished tn I SWEAR TO HECK!!!!)

(And then I get to read my fav once its like 5am bc I can only read my fav fic at like 5/6 when the sun is just coming up and my room is perfectly cold and I'm almost ready to go to bed but not quite the vibe is JUST RIGHT here's to praying to the gods we don't believe in I get blessed with an early chapter(bc I have literally been trying to space them out and save them and sometimes I do get lucky and get to read two at once and it's literally the best istg))

(11:17) I forgot to reread said chapter and quit at some point but tell me how Morning went from 84.6 (?? ish) to 86.1k?? LIKE HELL YA LETS GOOOOO WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS!!!!

(11:29) It's not, like, haha funny, but I find it so painfully hilarious that I keep going back and forth between writing like fun wholesome dirty mountain kids figuring out life creek and then like them literally DYING for each other with the most gut wrenching dialogue surrounding it all. My brain needs to be studied, I fear.

(3:28) I just spent like the last 30 minutes being a fucking lunatic BACK TO MORNING GLORY!!! We're at 87.1k ... Which like, honestly, for me on hiatus??? I'm kinda impressed. Kinda proud of myself. (Not to mention the other shit I wrote that is not Morning Glory today, because I did write some of the most gut wrenching shit for Revelations just because I felt like writing angst LMAO)

(5:14) I know I've said this before. And I'll probably say it a million times. Jack stands on business and it's so FUCKING FUNNY. Like 'killing him won't solve anything'

'yeah but it'll feel good!'

LIKE OKAY DAMN LMFAOOOO

(6:27) and tonight I shut down with 89.7k

Which like, holy shit, yippie. 4th of July is done, they're doing powerpoint night, and I am just that much closer to being done with summer.

[gregoftom]

i don't really know how to explain myself properly but i feel like some people are really concerned about Getting A Good Grade In Succession to the point where they've adopted a very cynical view of tg's relationship because being too earnest about them is ~not the point of the show~ or w/e. which is funny because every other relationship in the show is allowed to be nuanced but not theirs i guess? so you have people going "oh their relationship was only ever about them using each other from the start" when that's demonstrably not true and like. i have really mixed feelings about this season so far and i feel like anything could happen with them by virtue of weird writing choices and i hope with all my heart this doesn't end up being the case but even if the finale tries to diminish the depth of their relationship i don't understand the point of Us acting like there was never anything deeper there? but anyway, all this too say that i agree w/ you that the way people are very cynical and dismissive abt tg specifically has rubbed me the wrong way and thank u for your service ❤️

hiii sweet anon!

A GOOD GRADE IN SUCCESSION ASHAKJSA god honestly, i hear you.

i'm getting real tired of this "point of the show" shit bc it's like. just because tg isn't "the point", isn't a main focal plot [which it is, or at least is part of it], isn't integral to character development [which it is too; without tom greg would not be where he is now which is at a point where he actually could be seriously considered as a fucking CEO, without greg tom wouldn't have learned any self respect or self worth/we would never have been able to see him express himself beyond servitude towards shiv], it doesn't mean it can't be explored and considered as a serious part of the show?

media is created for us to enjoy. yes it's there to interpret and discuss but it doesn't always have to be that way? literally you can watch the show just for tomgreg and that is A OKAY. why? because you don't have to justify why you like something! surprise! and yeah i've noticed that too - other relationships get to be seen as nuanced, but not tg i guess. idk why, seeing as its dynamic is something to be studied under a microscope and fun to not only shippers but normies too lmao. clearly there is something more interesting to it than just, oh it's mutual corporate climbing.

exactly! there's even more contexts provided by the scripts, THE SACRED TEXTS lol that provide us with more knowledge and insight into the feelings of these characters, that show us that their relationship goes beyond using each other. there is an element of that of course, but that's not all they are. why reduce them to that when so very clearly on paper we are affirmed of what we thought we could read textually on the screen? it just baffles me.

i'm hoping too anon, like A Lot. from the looks of the trailer i have a. i have a little bit of hope. even if say, tom has to choose between greg and shiv, if he chooses shiv and has visible trouble with it, like it takes him time, it plagues him, it takes effort, it feels like a real decision affecting his life, like. that counts for something you know? that would, to me, not diminish his relationship with greg. obviously it would be heartbreaking after how loyal greg has been to tom, but the very fact that it would be difficult to tom would mean that greg is important to him in some fashion, and the show would be at least acknowledging it by doing that. like, it's that easy. i ain't asking for much. i know what i'd like, but what i would be satisfied/settle with, well i think the bar is reasonable, you know?

i'm glad you understand me! i mean, who knows maybe some of it is people trying to go on the defensive like, "it's the hope that kills you" so they are trying not to have any by lessening it, saying oh there was nothing there, there was no romance, nothing positive, it was all for mutual professional gain and that's it. but like, personally that doesn't work for me. i think you should at least acknowledge its importance otherwise we're regressing right back to the oh it's a mlm ship? never mind then. i'm not about that, i guess.

thanks for the message buddy god speed <3

[carmenized-onions]

SIGH you got me good with this one I fear

Okay so the chap is still fresher in my mind this time since I read yesterday!! Itemized yap sheet incoming below based mostly on the order they happened

1) Yoooooo

That just cracked me up okay. Had to add. But also like. I love them. I love that Tony is so nervous to catch up with Richie bc it means talking abt mikey, but also relieved and excited ish to talk to richie bc it means talking abt mikey does that makes ykwim

2) AAAAAAA listen the way that Carmy thinks about Tony to calm down?? Like hes having a panic attack and he thinks about Tony and is calmed slightly by smelling her shampoo in his hair literally makes me ILL

2b) kinda related but also like not ?? But Anyway Like. Carmy like unsure whether or not he is actually scared/believes Richie when he says he could end his relationship with tony got me like on my knees in my workplace when I read that bc UGH he has absolutely zero confidence and i just want to kiss his face okay. Also him not really wanting to share tony with Richie is so real of him actually. Like he wants Tony to just be his and that's so sweet.

3) if we dont find out the chip storyline ill riot if only for Carmy's sake cause like Carm, im also now very intrigued that Richie didn't immediately blab when prompted but also go richie thats very cute

4)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Scream break mb

5) last one but like the painting??? The way that it starts with the beef and has like pictures of before and stuff and the mid point is mikey and then it has pictures from like the building process and ends with the The Bear sign? IM DECEASED YOU KILLED ME THATS SO GOOD WHAT LITERALLY WHAT

6)okay im i liar whatever could i edit the post yes will i no. I digress. Last one fr. So the way both their lil povs end with them saying on friday they'll do right by each other??? Im so gone actually wtf

Anyways as always i adore you and your writing RAAAA

HEHEHEH GOTCHU!!! GOT YOUR ASS!!!

yoooooooo -- The next convos are really some of my favourite to write, i get to amp up the funny and math out what their texting styles would probably be, it's fun!!

Also yes, it's very much that part of grief where it's like a knife to talk about them, but it's also nice, it's weird when in the grief process, everyone around you acts like that person just simply Never Happened in fear of being triggering-- It's nice for Tony and Richie to get to talk raw!! Even if it's anxiety inducing to lead with it!!

2. Hehehhehe, he does it a LOT, When he called her before, trying and failing to get her voicemail, when he was having an episode in the diner and then Tony came back and he became Normal mostly. Grounding Tool but it's a Person

3. listen baby, I don't put a gun in the first act just to not fire it. I've had this backstory since chapter two. And honestly, I was extremely nervous that someone was gonna guess it and I was being too obvious. Thank God, no one has, yet-- But also no one's guessed, so like, feel free to throw in your guesses, love to hear em.

4. AHHHHHHHH!!!! Here let's see, during this scream break what can I give you...

This is what I'm screaming over, personally. This is Chapter 10 alone, LMAO. AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE LMAOOOO. The goal for me is to get it out this Friday, so it's like, timely and on theme. But we'll see how tired I am, this work week. Might've just gotten a commission (that I honestly don't want to take lmaoo) so we'll see. Fingers crossed. It's definitely gonna need me to take my eyes off it for a day and come back to, so keep your fingers crossed, for me.

5. OH GOOD! I was worried I described it poorly; there's always that fear, when you have to make the thing that's like the thing of the story, and if it's not good then what the FUCK WAS IT FOR!!!!!????

I'm vv happy to hear it killed you, is what I'm trying to say. I also thought the idea was very sweet. Hehhehe

6. You're always free to yap on end, never fear such a thing. Yes!! Their POVs start and end the same way, which is just like, a cute lil touch, yknow. Two anxious mfs. In the club tnnnnn, trying to do right by each other if it fuckin' KILLS them

thank you thank you thank u as always i love to hear this and i hope u enjoy Friday whenever the FUCK it comes out.

[summerlycoris]

Okay so I'm putting this here because Dad really fucking pissed me off today and If I don't write something I'll just-

So I was helping him to put in a veranda and ramp on the front of my house today. Work projects with Dad would be difficult, but not misery, if he could just. Fucking. Not be a dick for 5 seconds.

Unfortunately my dad has "must be a dick every 5 seconds " disease so that's never fucking happening lmao lol roflmao.

Anyway. He was ragging out my brothers girlfriend Rochelle. And yeah. She's got problems. Neither of us can see the relationship lasting. (Rochelle's nice, but not to brodie. She let's her anxiety get the best of her, and constantly embarrasses him in front of their friends making out of line jokes, and emotionally abusing him.)

Dad thinks the reason they're not going to last is that Rochelle is on disability and is "a leech" "She's going nowhere." He used himself (hes not fucking diagnosed. And normally im all for self diagnosis. But not for this cuntwad. I WILL gatekeep from my damn dad because fuck him thats why.) me and my brother as examples of disabled people who don't need help.

And that ticked me off. Because I do need help. I just don't get help. Brodie needs help too. He just can't get it. Hell, maybe if dad had help as a kid he wouldn't have been such a bastard when we were kids. (He's fucked up 2/3 kids. Bad odds when your a parent. And he's still got plenty of time to fuck up the 3rd kid! SHES ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.)

I can't remember exactly, but I try to tell him that my life wasn't great and that I could've used some help. He asks how my life sucked so bad.

And I'm just fucking gobsmacked. Mum did this too recently- despite literally being the one to say that she thought I was gonna off myself at 11 years old years ago. Do these two not have any fucking memories?

I told him I'd been bullied all through school. (Couldn't exactly tell him he'd treated me like dirt whenever he was home) and he was like "well you're living a better life than your bullies. I bet they don't own a house."

I got so fucking angry. And I couldn't explain it at the time. But I can now- it doesn't matter what YOU think. Or what Mum thinks. Or what the fucking goldfish think. You don't live my life! And my opinions the one that matters, because im the one living that life. And I think my life's kinda shit!

I can't make friends. Not because I'm necessarily bad at talking to people (I can mask better now than I ever could as a kid) but because I just can't feel the same way about talking to people as I could as a kid. Like this may not make any sense- but when I was a kid before everything? I liked talking to people. It wasn't a chore. I didn't have to overanalise everything. But now it is. I quickly finish up talking to people thinking something like "Thank god that's over" or "Thank god that didn't go badly" and it's so. Fucking. Tiring.

So I'm gonna be alone forever. Not because of some incel bullshit. But just because I literally can't do it. I just can't fucking do it right. I can't go back to being 8 and being excited to meet someone new. I can't even go back to being 19 and bring willing to try making friends.

I'm 28. And I've spent most of my life being lonely.

And he's like- you've got the autism support group- but we meet once a month and I sometimes can't even MAKE it due to work and there's acquaintances. I don't even know most of their NAMES.

And it all just sent me into a tailspin honestly. Like the day was okay until he decided to be himself and trod over some exposed nerves. Then run his fucking jeep over them for good measure.

He's like "your like van goth" and I'm like "he killed himself" and he says "but you won't do rhat" and honestly dad? There's still fucking time. Better 17 years late than never huh????

Fuck, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand him. I really can't. But I kinda have to because I want to still know mum and nikara.

It's just amazing how he can just. Always find a way to ruin my day. Today was supposed to be good. It's autism group meet up night. I'm supposed to take Rochelle and one of brodies friends there. But I think if I go tonight I'll just be a miseryguts and cry everywhere. And I've got a surprise work shift tomorrow from 7-3pm. And then my fucking On Week at work. Despite not really having much time off from it and work doing a number on me even during my fucking off week this week. It's just not worth going oh my fucking God I hate this.

[thegeminisage]

ive done a terrible thing and accidentally turned on gloom hands for the map. i was only doing korok seeds/wells/caves/other bosses - i wanted shrines and hands to be a surprise, so i was just turning shrines on and off now and then to make sure i wasnt walking past any. but then i turned on hads to see how many there were and there's two in the next place im going for my korok seeds (crenel region). i would have rather not known :(

ugh man my compendium is SOOO empty...i miss the camera being on the first-person view. having it as an ability is so clunky! if i wanna 100% this i really gotta get on that bc no way do i or will i ever have the rupees to buy my way to victory

i looove btw, if i havent said. that if you kill an enemy while gliding/skydiving, you get the drops anyway. like they just appear in your inventory. VERY good

five bomb flowers in this chest! i appreciate it, but i almost have more bombs than arrows. (80-something arrows, 60-something bombs.) i got used to living without them. im a muddlebud girl now

ah i see. mining.

a well with nothing in it...there's gotta be more to it. haha it's the moor garrison ruins well so. that's a little joke. anyway im googling

okay, apparently google doesn't know shit either? surely there is something else here........

i guess not :/ bet i'll have to come back later...

WAIT I FOUND. STEPS THAT GO UNDERGROUND BUT THERE'S BARS HERE AAAA LET ME INNNNN

lmao the wall in the well is cracked can i actually bomb it?

answer: no

OH....................................

i thought ascending thru the ceiling would just take me back topside, but the well room was under this underground room! so i got in! ooough that dopamine. puzzle SOLVED all on my own!!!!

theres a treasure chest in one of these rooms, but the map tells me it's another fucking shield so im giving it a pass. i got the trick, thats what matters

shrine BELOW me? girl wtf

if i have to go back in that mining cave i just went thru.

ugh i checked and i DOOOO how did i miss it!!!

i DIED getting over there >:(

UGH and the enemies are back cuz of a blood moon :( i wasted 2 muddlebuds to NOT fight these guys...

i wish the totk fight music was better. i mean don't get me wrong, it's fine, but because of the way the soundtrack works the 3 songs i hear most often are the fight music, the shrine music, and the ambient bg music, which sometimes changes when in a snowy/high/watery area. i hear the fight music more than any other song and it gets stuck in my head CONSTANTLY and while much of this game's soundtrack is mindblowing and incredible, the fight music Is Not. it's simply not good enough for the song i'm listening to the fucking most. i'm already tired of hearing it and i'm only (checks) 95 hours into this game. ugh

>:( i'm mad that i probably won't be able to 100% it before i hit 100 hours...i wanted my whole hero's path on record...

anyway i found the shrine. finally.

NOT MORE OF THIS EVENTIDE SHIT

ugh i'm just gonna do it. honestly why couldn't they have just refined it to one island instead of microdosing us.......

COOL...there's a battle talus just patrolling back and forth along the road here!!

oh, a big tower fell over here...idr that from botw but i think it was in the trailers! neat

ok, i'm getting close to the area where the hands spawn :( i turned them back on on my map cuz im scared :(

oh man. so they spawn in these stumps full of water right...i can literally see those. they are so close to me. if i didn't Know i'd wander right in, unsuspecting...this is why i had that turned off. it's better not to know!!! than this anxiety!!!!!

what if i just...make them pop and then despawn them...

i can't do it. i can't. that is a TRAP i can see it's a trap those are high sides there's water like no fucking way. no way

GOD fuck a like like made a noise and i jumped out of my skin. the way the hands can scare you when you arent around AAAAAAAAAAAA

rauru settlement ruins...an innocuous reference to the ocarina of time sage in botw, but now...

i still have a few seeds left to get there and i know what i said about not doing shit today but i do actually have to do shit today. rip!

[call-sign-shark]

Brummie!! I've been so late I'm so sorry. I had to deal with a lot and I didn't want to only skim and quickly comment on the longest stories of my friends because they deserve a proper analysis of their works. In truth, I was so excited about this new story of yours that waiting was torture. My apologies if this comment is a succession of quotes live-commented by me but ... FUCK IM ALREADY OBSESSED.

Wow Reader's mom is really... Harsh with her? I must say that the way you chose to open the story with showing the difficult relationship between YN and her mother is such an interesting introduction to this new story. I particularly love the detail "Her normal vocabulary filled with a plethora of her favourite profanities not once leaving her lips", contrasting her kind of "brutal" behavior with what she wants to show to other people. Also, the bratty and unruly nature you gave to Y/N is INCREDIBLE. Not only it is a stark contrast with the protagonist of Killing Me Softy, hence showing it's a whole different story with a whole different mood, but it already got me hooked. This one is gonna create trouble teehee, as she has proved to us in the church scene. Honestly, I cackled at the whole passage when her mother dragged her by the arms after she taunted the priest, while Arthur and Tommy were laughing LMAO.

Another aspect of this new work I loved to death was the adorable and fun banter you created between young Arthur and Tommy. This is so endearing to see them like this, Tommy embarrassed because "Y/N is not my girlfriend" and Polly trying to keep them in line... It definitely warmed my heart. On a similar topic, the sweet and hilarious relationship between young Tommy and Y/N is made me melt. I love how she is quick-witted. That excerpt "Think your Aunt needs to shorten those" you laughed as you nodded to the ends of his trousers bunched up around his boots." got me laughing so much. It's so unusual to imagine that innocent and young Tommy, so full of happiness and emotions... I adore this image of him, with his trousers too large for him because they are Arthur's. 🥹 the lanky git, I died. And now... I know this is a Tommy x Reader work but COME ON ARTHUR YOU ADORABLE STUPID THING. Stealing the candelabras thinking it was gold only to find out it's just copper??? This is so Arthur-coded I swear. My sweet idiot.

When I thought it couldn't be funnier and cuter, you added a little John poking his bro's knee with a stick?? Oh my heart can't handle it. You describe sibling relationships so well it makes me wonder if you have siblings too... Despite this adorable cameo, I feel like the plan of this trio is going to fail miserably. I can't help being scared for them tbh. 🤣 But despite the banter and the stupid idea of stealing something, I adored the small mention of Tommy and Y/N melting for each other, like Tom never getting tired of the way her features change when she laughs.

Now the thievery... "Your eyes at him knowing anything the eldest Shelby said was not to be trusted and far from the actual truth." I'M CHOKING, this is so true. Teen Arthur 'trust me it's safe' Shelby Jr. 🤣 He's so stupid I swear, he is, it's not even the good map. 🤦🏼‍♀️ And sweet talking Y/N by referring to Tommy's birthday... Run YN, Run, it isn't a smart idea lmao! Also... I KNEW THE DOG WOULD BARK. Now we know why Tommy ended up being the boss of the Peaky Blinders "Fucking traitor! After all the food I gave you" Arthur shouted as you all ran down the hall, making your way up to the second level." OMGGG I CAN'T BREATHE ANYMORE. HE GAVE THE DOG SPROUTS. 🤣🤣

On a quieter note, Tommy and YN pressed together while they hide is such a sweet idea. Your drawing is immaculate, honey, a real treasure. I'm impressed at the way you manage to build the tension between them. I was rooting for Tommy so bad, waiting for him to find the courage to make the first move so... The unexpected kiss made me literally squeal in front of my computer!! Things got heated in there teehee but at the same time, it still remains super lovely. Two young lovers discovering love together -- I'm tearing. Oh, and it's impossible not to mention this line "Oh and you're not? You really think I believed that ridiculous story you told us all last summer about how you gave Irene five orgasms in ten minutes" TOMMY. 🤣 "Hey! Nobody gets to call her a whore but us" Thanks Arthur I guess? LMAO. So protective, it's adorable. Your portrayal of teen Arthur is making me SWOON. It feels so in-character, so canon, I can't.

Back to our two young lovebirds... The whole bed scene with each other pressed against each other, the gift she gives him after hours of work, the little promise... Brummie, it was such a beautiful and heartwarming moment. In fact, you're once again showing your sadism to us since most of this chapter was lighthearted and, then, you brutally shove us ten years later with a cold Tommy. Clever move, but very mean too -- I love it. The stark difference between this scene and Y/N crying as she watches Tommy and Grace pressed together... Aouch my little heart.

Also, the parallel with the birthday wishes!! The line "But yet you still held on, hopelessly devoted to the man who promised to hold you in his arms every night" refers to the title... Brummie!! Can't you stop being such a talented writer? Honestly, this is an AMAZING first chapter for your new series. I'm already hooked and I need chapter 2, please!!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤

MASTERLIST

Hopelessly Devoted (PART ONE)

Summary: A flashback to when you and Tommy were young, carefree and smitten with one another plays out in your head as you sit alone in the Garrison, watching him now in the arms of another woman whilst you desperately hold onto the love you still have for him. Does Tommy share the same sentiments or has his bitterness towards you stained the love he claims he no long has for you?

Warnings: Language, angst, fluff, mutual pining

Authors note: Inspired by the song "Hopelessly Devoted" by Olivia Newton-John. RIP sweet angel.

"We're bloody late again!" your mother muttered under her breath as she hurried up the church steps holding onto her hat from the bitter January wind whilst you are your little brother George, lovingly known as Georgie walked behind her. "Ten minutes until we leave I said" she huffed turning around, scowling at you as you rolled your eyes in response. "Ten minutes! In the time it took for you to put your dress on I had swept the porch and gotten your brother ready. Why did you give me such an unruly child?" she said looking up to the heavens expecting some sort of response. "Out all hours gallivanting about with those Shelby boys, never listening to a word I say. I'm being punished aren't I, for the sins of her father...the bloody fool he was, drinking himself to an early grave, leaving me here to fend for myself with two kids..." she carried on as you held your little brothers hand, a small sigh leaving his mouth as he looked up at you, shaking his head at your mother's relentless rambling. " Y/N let me look at you. Bloody hell child, you look a state!" she frowned as she turned to face you at the top of the steps.

"Can you just stop" you said trying to move her hands away as she pushed your hair back behind your ears, pinching your cheeks to give them a rosy glow. "Look at your dress..." she huffed as she straightened the bottom out, pulling at the frilly pink fabric whilst your little brother reached up to open the church door. "Stay still!" she said as you started fidgeting away from her hands, her overbearing mothering making you feel like you was eight years old again.

" For god's sake I'm not a kid!" you replied rather loudly when the doors fully opened and everyone in their seats turned around to look at the commotion. "Shit" you mumbled under your breath as you looked to the sea of eyes now staring back at you, the loud bang of the church door slamming against the brick wall startling you as your little brother giggled in amusement.

" Bloody Walk Y/N" your mother said through gritted teeth behind you as she took her and George's hat off. Smiling graciously left to right at the people seated along the outer rows your mother politely mouthed small hellos and good mornings as all three of you made your way down the aisle, her normal vocabulary filled with a plethora of her favourite profanities not once leaving her lips. Turning your head you quickly spotted Tommy sitting next to his family with a huge grin on his face, loving every second of the embarrassment he knew you was enduring. As the sound of your heels on the stone floor echoed loudly through the church, your entrance now the focus point of everyone's attention, you finally reached the alter with the Reverend stood beside it. You could almost feel the laughter Tommy and Arthur were holding back as your mother pushed you forward to bow. With a grunt leaving your throat you lowered your head, a small mischievous glint in your eye at the sudden, yet stupid idea to prove to your mother how unruly of a child you really was.

" Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been mere hours since I last pissed my mother off..." You said dramatically as your mother's eyes widened in embarrassment a gasp leaving her mouth as she grabbed you by the arm and span you back around, all while apologising profusely to the Priest now shaking his head at her. Oh the shame, the humiliation, she would never live this down. The gossip she would have to endure for months in the women's wash house was a fair consolation for her making you wear this god awful dress you proudly thought to yourself as you walked to find a seat. Sighing the Reverend lowered his eye as he turned the page of his sermon, longing to be appointed somewhere, anywhere out of Small Heath. No number of hail Mary's could save this sinful town. As you walked down the aisle the sudden sound of Tommy and Arthur laughing had you biting your inner cheek holding back your own amusement as you watched Polly snap her head in their direction.

" Shut up" Polly whispered as she reached over hitting each of them in the chest. "Bloody kids" she mouthed sympathetically to your mother as you all walked by.

" Girlfriend finally made it" Arthur whispered in Tommy's ear, knowing full well how smitten he was with you.

" Shes not my girlfriend, shut it" he muttered under his breath as you sent him a small wave which he quickly returned.

" Hi ya" Arthur laughed mocking him.

" Fuck off Arthur" Tommy replied as he elbowed him in the ribs leaving him wincing in pain.

" I'll let you have that one baby brother" he laughed rubbing his side.

" No fucking swearing in church!" Polly said quietly through gritted teeth as she hit the back of Tommy's head. It was always an eventful service when the Shelby's attended, which made you wonder what they had done to have their Aunt force them this time.

Walking out into the fresh air, free from the stuffy confines of the church you pushed back your hair behind your shoulders folding your arms as you faced the sun. Closing your eyes you sighed as the rays of light beamed onto your skin. With summer still a long way off you was enjoying the rare event in which the sun broke through the smoke filled skies of Small Heath. That was until you felt the warmth disappear and a large shadow take it's place. Opening your eyes you was met with Tommy Shelby standing right in front of you, a cigarette precariously hanging on the corner of his mouth, grinning from ear to ear.

" Get out the way you're blocking the sun" you said as you pushed him to the side closing your eyes again.

" Hmm, you are looking rather pasty"

" Thanks Thomas, you really know how to compliment a lady" you said taking the cigarette out his mouth as you walked over to sit on the brick wall just outside the church.

"Lady?" Tommy laughed as he sent you a cheeky smile." Nice dress by the way. You look like a flower girl"

" Shut up" you said playfully hitting his arm in response, hating everything about the overly embroidered puffy dress you were begrudgingly wearing. " Have you seen yourself?" you smirked looking down at his outfit "Think your Aunt needs to shorten those" you laughed as you nodded to the ends of his trousers bunched up around his boots.

" They're Arthur's hand-me-downs, the lanky git" he said kicking a stone on the ground that you both watched roll into the road.

" So what did you do this time to end up here on a Sunday morning?" You asked as you turned your head to face him.

" Aunt Pol found out Arthur stole one of the candelabras from the Reverends study. Convinced himself it was solid gold, you should have seen his face when we melted it down in Charlie's yard and it was copper" Tommy laughed as he looked back at you. " Polly was furious said he had sinned enough for the whole house and we were all damned to hell if we didn't come today" he explained further as his eyes lingered on your face, watching the way your nose scrunched up as you laughed, a sight he never got tired of. " So you coming later?" he asked leaning into you as he took his cigarette now stained with pink lipstick back from between your fingers, not that he minded.

" No absolutely not. Do you not remember the last time we followed one of Arthur's genius ideas?" you answered folding your arms having already made your mind up.

" He's got a map this time. Come on it will be fun" he said nudging his arm against yours.

" A map to what?"

" To where this rich fuck has all his liquor stored"

"Can I come?" John said running up to you both after overhearing the conversation, poking his brothers knee with a stick in attempt to get his attention which Tommy quickly put a stop to by giving him a kick in the shin.

" No, fuck off " Tommy said pushing him away from in front of him as John stormed off crying in search of his Aunt. " So how about it? "

" Fine, but only because it's your birthday tomorrow" you said giving in as you both smiled to eachother. "But this better be fool proof. I can't risk getting in trouble with my mum again, she's a few breaths away from kicking me out"

" That's alright, you can come live with me" he said winking to you as you looked up at him through your lashes, blushing a darker shade of pink than your dress." We'll come by to get you at eleven, don't be late ok? "

" I'm never late" you responded as Tommy rolled his eyes flicking his cigarette onto the ground. If there was one thing he had learnt over the years it was that you was always late.

" Thomas Michael Shelby! " Polly shouted as she stormed over to you both, dragging John with her by the arm.

"Shit. Right I'm off" Tommy said quickly pecking your cheek as he jumped over the wall running away from his Aunt. Bringing your hand up to your face you pressed your fingers to your skin, a smile dancing on your lips as you turned around to watch Tommy run into the back alleys of Small Heath, fleeing from the fury coming his way. Thomas Michael Shelby your best friend, your partner in crime and also the boy you had been head over heels for as long as you could remember. What a sorry story your limited love life had already been, endlessly pining for a boy you had convinced yourself only saw you as a friend, desperately hoping he felt the same.

It was just after noon when you Tommy and Arthur made your way over the wooden fencing onto the large mansions land. Having never once left the city limits in all of your eighteen years of life you was taken aback by the sheer size of the house in front of you. Surrounded by luscious green grass, rows of trees adorning its drive way, you was sure it was something only seen in films, a far cry from the mud and dirt of Small Heath.

" Give me the map" Tommy said as Arthur handed it to him whilst he looked over the brick wall separating you and the owner who was outside sitting in a garden chair.

"Arthur he has a dog. A mean looking thing" you said as Tommy stood beside you squinting at the map in his hand.

"Yeh well, he would have still been out with that dog hunting, but you were late" Tommy interjected with a smile on his face, having been right about your constant tardiness.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist Y/N, I've been coming here every day for the past week feeding him leftovers, he likes me. He won't make a peep " Arthur said trying to reassure you as you rolled your eyes at him knowing anything the eldest Shelby said was not to be trusted and far from the actual truth.

" Jesus Christ Arthur" Tommy said throwing the map at his brothers chest. " This is a fucking map for a house in London!"

" Ay?" Arthur said as he straightened it out in front of him. " Where's it say that? " he asked as Tommy snatched it back from him pointing at the words "London" written right underneath the name of the house.

" Well how was I supposed to bloody know. They should have put it at the very top"

" It's in fucking capitals Arthur, how can you not..."

" Right I'm going home" you said as the two brothers continued to argue. As always Arthur's ideas were never properly thought out, often getting you in trouble more than anything else.

" Wait Y/N no, come on stay" Tommy said as he looked back to his older brother widening his eyes in gesture to help him convince you not to leave.

" Y/N " Arthur said as he put his arm around your shoulder. " We're at the back entrance. He probably keeps it down in the basement, it won't be far. You're the only one small enough to shimmy through the window to open the lock on the other side. Come on, dont let us down, it's Tom's birthday tomorrow. "

" Fine. But if I put another ladder in my stockings you're paying for a new pair" you said pointing to him as Arthur placed a wooden crate below the window for you to stand on.

"Atta girl" Arthur said as he turned his head around winking to Tommy as you climbed through the window, quickly making in through to the other side. Pushing past his brother, Tommy went to open the door when the dog Arthur promised wouldn't bark suddenly started to do exactly that.

" Hey! Who's there?" the owner said as you all ran into the house. " Get 'em boy" he shouted as his dog came charging round the corner into the building.

" Fucking traitor! After all the food I gave you" Arthur shouted as you all ran down the hall, making your way up to the second level.

" What did you feed him with?" you asked breathlessly as you ran beside them, Tommy's hand resting on your back making sure you didn't get left behind.

"Sprouts"

"Sprouts!" You and Tommy both shouted looking back at him.

" It's all we had"

" No wonder he bloody hates you" Tommy said as all three of you came to a stop behind a wall waiting for a maid to walk by.

" Sniff them out" the owner said as you heard the sound of the dogs nails clicking on the wooden floorboards, getting closer by the second.

" Shiiit, run! Hide! Arthur giggled as you legged it down one of the second floor corridors, Tommy quickly pulling you into a small storage room to the side as Arthur continued to run down the hall. Breathless, you both looked up at eachother as a fit of laughs left your lips. Bringing his finger up to his mouth Tommy gestured for you to be quiet as the sound of the owner walking along the corridor quickly brought your giggles to a stop. Taking in your surroundings you suddenly realised how close you were to eachother. Cardboard boxes were stacked as high as the ceiling all around you, there was barely enough space for one person let alone two.

" Is he gone?" you whispered to which Tommy nodded, his eyes looking over you as he too started to realise how close you were to one another." You're taking all the space" you said trying to free yourself from the uncomfortable position you was in.

" Y/N my backs pushed up against the door. I don't have any more room to move" he said as you huffed in response moving your arm that was stuck between you to the side. Silence fell upon the small room as you continued to fidget in place whilst Tommy cleared his throat, his eyes darting between you and the surrounding boxes.

" What? Why do you keep looking at me like that" you said with a thrown on your face.

" I'm not looking at you like anything" Tommy replied as he quickly glanced away. With your focus now elsewhere, Tommy's eyes drifted down to both of your bodies pressed up against eachother, biting his inner cheek in attempt to rid himself of all the thoughts going through his mind. Taking in every delicate feature of your face, Tommy felt his heart quicken as he continued to stare down at you. God you were beautiful, he had been wanting to tell you those very words for years, wanted to ask you out, tell you how he felt. But unlike his old brother who seemed to have endless amounts of confidence when it came to girls, Tommy never found the courage to make a move. Instead he begrudgingly tormented himself, watching all the boys of Small Heath try their luck with you.

" You're doing it again, stop it!" you said squinting your eyes as you looked up to see him still staring down at you. " You're making me nervous"

" What else am I supposed to look at, you're right in front of me " he said with a small sigh. Just ask her you idiot, he thought to himself as he peered at you in the corner of his eye.

" Y/N erm, I was wondering..." he started to say when you grabbed his hand your eyes widening in a panic.

" Shh. Did you hear that?" You said as you looked behind him to the door.

" Its just a window blowing open" he replied as he glanced down at your hand still holding onto his. Throwing his head back Tommy shook his head, frustrated that the moment he had finally found the courage to ask you out you had cut him off. Bringing his eyes back down to look at you, Tommy took a deep breath. If he couldn't say how he felt he would show it. What was the worse that could happen?

" Fuck it" he said as he cupped your cheeks crashing his lips onto yours. For a brief moment you resisted taken by surprise at Tommy's unexpected move until your whole body finally relaxed and you quickly melted into the kiss. There was no technique to it, wet, messy, all tongues and teeth. But as your lips interlocked you felt a flutter of butterflies fill your stomach, your hands finding their way to his shoulders as Tommy enthusiastically pushed you back the few centimeters remaining between you and the wall behind you.

" Owh" you said as your head hit the wall, the thump loud enough for anyone to hear.

" Shit, sorry" Tommy said as a small giggle escaped your mouth at his overly keen display. Pressing your lips back onto his the kiss was smoother, a small whimper leaving your throat as his tongue brushed over yours. Moaning, Tommy's hand dropped from your waist to your leg as his fingers travelled under you skirt grazing over your suspenders. Things were getting heated, very heated.

" Wait, Tommy I've, i'm a.."

" Fuck sorry, I wasn't trying to" Tommy awkwardly said cutting you and himself off. " Wait, you're a Virgin?" he asked with a small smile etched on the corner of his lips his brows slightly raised.

" Why do you look so surprised? " you answered back, your whole face scrunched up in annoyance.

" No nothing. It's just I didn't think you was...you know" he replied unable to formulate his own words.

" Oh and you're not? You really think I believed that ridiculous story you told us all last summer about how you gave Irene five orgasms in ten minutes" you scoffed with a laugh as Tommy's cheeks suddenly went a crimson shade of red, his hands dropping from your waist.

" Jesus...thanks Y/N" Tommy said looking away with a huff unable to physically move away from the embarrassment surrounding him.

" Slightly exaggerated don't you think? " you giggled as Tommy looked back at you, his hands now on his hips.

" You done?" he huffed as you bit your bottom lip trying to hold back the laugh that was seconds away from escaping. As Tommy pressed his lips back onto yours the small giggle unable to contain itself finally broke free.

" Stop it, I'm trying to concentrate" he said smiling into your lips as he continued to kiss you, his hands roaming over the curves of your body when the door suddenly flew open.

" Oi oi, what's going on in here then? " Arthur said grinning at you both as you let go of eachother. Rolling your eyes you walked out the small room pushing past him the box of whisky and leg of ham he was holding. "Get to second base baby brother?" Arthur sniggered as Tommy thumped him in the arm.

" Fuck off Arthur" Tommy pouted leaving the room and his older brother in fits of laughter. Both barely out the door, your eyes widened as the owner and his dog turned the corner.

" You little bastards. I've seen your faces. I know who you are! You're those trouble making Shelby boys. And look, you've brought your little whore with you, that dead drunk idiot's daughter. How did you petty little thieves make it out of Small Heath, steal a car?"

" Hey! Nobody gets to call her a whore but us" Arthur warned the owner pointing his finger at him as Tommy protectively pushed you behind him. Now in a stand-off between the owner and his drooling dog growling at you, you watched as he unclasped the large metal chain from the dogs collar.

" Go on boy get 'em!" he commanded when Tommy grabbed the leg of ham out the crate in Arthur's arms, launching it in the dog's direction.

" My bloody ham!" Arthur said, furious his dinner had been tossed to the the very dog he felt had betrayed him.

" Run!" Tommy shouted as you all turned around.

" I'm calling the police!"

" Thanks for the whisky old man" Arthur laughed running down the stairs as you and Tommy followed behind him, mentally noting never to follow one of Arthur's ideas again.

Several hours had passed and you Tommy, Arthur and a girl he had picked up along the way were sitting around a campfire in the local woods where Arthur and Tommy's families two vardos were, sipping on the finest whisky you had ever tasted. You couldn't remember the amount of times they had brought you out here to camp, taking you away for a brief moment from the smoke filled air, from the memories of your father that hung over you thicker than any fogged filled skies, a grief you wouldn't have made it through without them. As you sat looking at the flames of the fire mesmerised by their orange glow Tommy glanced over to you, watching the flickering lights from the campfire cast a golden hue on your skin, desperate to be alone with you again, the kiss you shared earlier repeatedly playing out in his head.

" Come on love, let's leave them to it" Arthur said standing up taking his dates hand after noticing his brother staring at you. " See you in the morning" Arthur winked back to Tommy opening the small caravan door, squeezing the girls bum as they both entered. " If the caravan be rocking, don't come a knocking!" Arthur laughed as he shut the door leaving you alone with Tommy.

" Dickhead" Tommy mumbled under his breath as you looked away, biting your bottom lip at how awkward Arthur had suddenly made everything. "It's getting late" you said standing up as you brushed the mud and twigs off your skirt looking back at the other vardo.

" I'll sleep out here" Tommy said as he sat up throwing another log onto the fire.

" You can't sleep out here, you'll freeze to death. Come on, it's not like we've never slept in the same bed" you said only just realising how different this time would be.

" Right, yeh...ok" Tommy said clearing his throat as he stood up.

As you settled into the small bed you watched as Tommy took of his hat and coat, your heart rapidly beating as nerves started to mount in your stomach. Climbing under the covers Tommy turned to face you, his fingers coming up to brush the strands of hair away from your face. Leaning into eachother, both of you turned your head in the same direction, awkwardly banging your foreheads together, resulting in a fit of laughs leaving your lips as Tommy shook his head at you. It was quite possible you were the giggliest girl he had ever met. Relaxing you recomposed yourself as Tommy pressed his lips to yours in a tender embrace. As his hand moved to your lower back, pressing your body closer to his your breath hitched in you throat, nerves now consuming every movement you made. Pulling away Tommy rubbed his thumb over your hip, in an effort to help you relax.

" Let's just lay here together, yeh?" he said taking the pressure away from you, not wanting to rush you into anything you wasn't ready for you as you nodded your head, thankful for his understanding nature. Rolling onto his back Tommy brought you closer into his side as he stroked up and down your arm, happy to finally have you in his arms.

" I nearly forgot" you said as you sat up leaning across him to pick up your coat.

" Happy Birthday" you said pulling out a small gift wrapped in cloth.

" My birthdays not until tomorrow " he chuckled as he sat up.

" It will be in ten minutes" you said as you looked down at your watch, quickly returning your eyes to him pulling out a gold pocket watch from within the delicate fabric.

" Jesus Y/N...you got this for me, how? " he said with a huge grin on his face as he looked to you.

" All those hours pressing clothes. Took me almost a year to be able to afford it"

"Come here" he said bringing you into a hug as you settled back down into the bed together." Thank you" he added as he pressed a kiss to your forehead feeling happier than any win he had ever won at the races.

With his arm securely wrapped around you Tommy couldn't stop the smile on his face as he looked down at the watch in his hand, it was nicest thing he owned and the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. Glancing at your wristwatch, Tommy turned the dials to the right time, when you took it from him turning it back a further five minutes.

" It's five minutes too late" he said watching you press the knob down.

" That way I'll always be on time for you" you giggled handing it back as Tommy chuckled shaking his head.

" Yeh just means I won't be on time for anything" he smiled closing the watch, keeping it tightly clasped in his hand as you nuzzled your head into his chest.

" Tommy?"

" Mm-hm?" he said as his eyes were about to close.

" What do you think we'll be doing this time ten years from now"

" The same thing" he smiled as his thumb rubbed over the curve of your shoulder. "Only naked" he said as he opened one eye looking to you.

" Tommy!" You said, giving him a small punch to the arm. " I'm serious, what do you think we'll be doing?"

" The same thing Y/N" he said with certainty as he tuned his head to face you. " You'll be in my arms every night from now on, that's a promise" he said as he looked lovingly back at you before giving you one last peck to the lips as you both closed your eyes, dreaming of the future and everything coming your way. Even though you were both young with your whole lives ahead of you one thing was for certain, in that moment you had no doubts that you wouldn't spend the rest of your lives together and every night in each others arms.

Ten years later...

Laughs and chatter of people enjoying eachothers company hummed around you as you sat quietly in the corner of the Garrison, the drink in your hand untouched as the night you and Tommy spent together this time ten years ago asleep in each others arms cruelly played out in your head. As a tear fell from your eye you looked up across the room to see the new barmaid sat tightly against Tommy's body, his arm resting around her shoulders. Tonight it wouldn't be you wrapped in his arms, tonight you would sleep alone as regret over decisions you had made weighed down your already broken heart. Standing up from your seat Tommy's eyes quickly darted to you, watching you pull your coat around you as you brushed the tears from your face, leaving the Garrison in a hurry unable to withstand anymore.

Clutching your coat around you from the cold night air you pushed the last tears from your cheeks as the pain in your heart dug further into your chest.

" Y/N" you heard your name being called by the very man you didn't want to see you like this.

"Yes Tommy" you said turning around as he waited at the Garrison door.

" I need you to go finish those papers at the betting shop for tomorrow" he said lighting a cigarette as he stepped a little closer.

" It's nearly midnight..." you replied as you watched him pull out his pocket watch to check the time. Quickly closing it Tommy clutched it tightly in his hand as he looked back at you. For a brief moment that's all he did as if the memories of that night had suddenly come flooding back to him. Maybe they had never left, and Tommy's heart was aching as much of yours, either way you could never tell, for just as quickly as his face softened for those brief few moments his demeanor abruptly changed, a scowl not spread across his face.

" The deadlines tomorrow " he said sharply looking to you as you shivered in the cold, your eyes red from crying.

" Ok Tommy" you said like you always did, at his beck and call night and day, desperately hanging onto the love you still felt for him. Without saying another word you turned on your heel heading for Watery Lane.

" You not going to wish me a happy birthday then?" Tommy called out as he watched you walk away.

" Happy birthday Tommy" you replied, the words catching in your throat, tears streaming down your face as you walked briskly off into the night. So much had changed over the years, so many promises broken, hearts broken along with them. But yet you still held on, hopelessly devoted to the man who promised to hold you in his arms every night.

(Part Two coming soon!)

Tag list: @cosniffee @jonsncws @powellssaturn @jessimay89 @bruher @riseandreigns4u @mariaelizabeth21-blog1

[divinesouldariax]

"I'm tired of thinking, let's just make out or something" with Ashton/Milo bc I know we're both dying to get them to kiss

Send me prompts?

Thank u my friend, u know EXACTLY what i want :D Even if this fic kinda drove me nuts bc i am simply not very practiced with writing kisses. Also the prompt list was hurt/comfort and this turned out to be literally Just Fluff lmao. I promise to make up for that by being extra angsty in the other prompt u sent me. I hope u enjoy it! <3

Word count: 1,111

Content warnings: brief mentions of injuries/brain trauma and memory issues and struggling with school, brief discussion about boundaries and touch-averseness, kissing

*

It was a point of pride to Milo that when Ashton had decided to start taking classes again after the accident had forced them to stop a few years ago, they were the only person he would go to for help on their schoolwork. Ashton knew he would never have to explain or justify their memory problems or difficulty grasping new concepts to Milo, and Milo knew never to press Ashton when he said that he was done working. 

Milo wasn't the greatest teacher in the world, which they reminded Ashton of often, and Ashton always responded with something along the lines of "And I'm not the greatest fucking student, so it's a perfect arrangement." It seemed to work, anyway. Ashton was passing their classes, and Milo was honestly just happy to be spending time with him.

Today, they were sitting on the couch together talking about how to approach making a notes page for Ashton to use on tests reminding him which calculator functions to use for which stats problems. Ashton seemed distracted. They weren't closing their eyes or touching his temples like he did when a migraine was coming on, though, so Milo didn't ask if they wanted to stop.

After a little while, Ashton cleared his throat. "I'm tired of thinking," he announced abruptly. "Let's just make out or something."

Milo stared. Blinked a few times. Wondered if there was any possible way they had heard Ashton correctly. "...are you aware that you just said that out loud?" they asked genuinely.

Ashton was looking off into the distance over Milo's shoulder. "Mm-hmm. Fuck, I'm gonna fucking kill Anni if she was lying."

If she--ohhh, not if I kill her first. "Did Anni fucking tell you I was--" Milo could already feel their face heating up.

"Might have said something."

Milo groaned and dropped their calculator and notebook and pencil off the side of the couch to bury their face in their hands.

"We don't have to--I made this really weird, huh? Fuck. We can--rewind, say I had a little fuckin' brain moment and just move on with our lives," Ashton babbled. "I didn't really mean to say it like that, that was fucking out of nowhere. I hate--fucking talking. God damn it."

"No, it's fine!" Milo wasn't sure if it was actually fine, but they knew they didn't want Ashton to feel shitty about it. "I'm a little confused?! I think? Was that a...do you want to...or did Anni just tell you that I…"

"Actually what she told me was that if I didn't do something to show you how I feel sometime in the next week, she was gonna plug in her amp in the hallway by my door and play me an electric violin solo at five in the morning every day for a month because she's apparently tired of living in a house where everyone's pining," Ashton recounted. "Pretty much word for word. I actually remember the phrasing, it was that vivid."

Startled, Milo laughed. They would get back to the "show you how I feel" thing in a minute, but they needed to process how ridiculous this was first. "So you decided to suggest making out with absolutely no warning?!"

"I swear to fucking god, that was at least partially impulsive brain fuckery," Ashton said, half laughing and half defensively.

"I believe you. Holy shit," Milo exclaimed. "That's one way to do it. God. Okay. First of all, and we'll be circling back to feelings, don't worry, but Ashton, I have never heard you say that you want to make out with anyone. You hate being touched."

"That's not...necessarily true?"

Milo raised their eyebrows. "Ash, you once hissed at me when I tried to rub your back when you got sick after drinking too much on a new med."

"I don't remember that," Ashton admitted. "But--no, I mean, yeah, it tracks. I definitely hate being touched when I feel fucking awful. And by people I don't know. But not all the time by everybody."

"That's--how have I lived with you for three years without knowing that?" Milo said, bewildered. "I really thought you just hated being touched in general this whole time."

"To be fair, I never corrected you."

"Yeah! But I never asked. Anyway, I'm getting distracted." Milo knew that their cheeks were probably flushed quite a dark pink by now. "I gotta get something clear. You like me?" Fuckety fuck, they sounded like a fucking middle schooler. 

"Yeah, I didn't actually think I was being subtle about it? Anni sure seemed to think it was stupid that we hadn't figured it out yet."

"Am I just an entire dumbass then?" Milo couldn't help but laugh. Their heart was beating so quickly, but the absurdity of it all was keeping them from turning into a total flustered mess. It was a little bit perfect.

Ashton shrugged, a little too casually. “If you are, then I am. So, uh, Anni wasn’t lying, then? You’re into me, too?”

“Oh, I was, uh, not prepared for this conversation at three in the afternoon completely sober without a head’s up,” Milo stated. 

“You good? Like I said, we can forget this–”

“Absolutely fucking not.” Milo wanted to just surge forward and kiss him, but several years of friendship where their habit had been to avoid touching Ashton whenever possible so they didn’t make him uncomfortable was hard to overcome. “Yes. Yes, I’m…yes. This is ridiculous. Do you actually want to make out?”

“I mean, I definitely don’t want to be doing stats anymore,” Ashton said with a wry little grin.

“...was that a yes–”

“Yes, oh my god.”

“I feel like it’s something to be very, very sure of before starting!” Milo defended themself, feeling like Ashton was teasing them at least a little bit. “I don’t want to hurt you accidentally.”

“Which is why I’m very sure that it’s gonna be fine.” Ashton put out their hand. “C’mon, apparently we’ve been wasting time.”

God, it was that kind of confidence, even with the initial uncertainty, that made Milo find Ashton so incredibly attractive. They let Ashton take their hand and pull them close, almost into his lap. Before they could even really conceive of the fact that oh, fuck, Ashton really is letting me touch him, they were kissing. Ashton’s initial comment about not wanting to be thinking anymore was onto something, because every rational thought in Milo’s head began vanishing.

We’re definitely gonna have to have a conversation about this later, Milo thought faintly, but for now, they would just focus on Ashton’s hands against their waist and his lips on theirs.

Send me prompts?

[droidmom]

Seventh Sister for the ask meme! (because it's fun encouraging you to talk about your Blorbos.) Alternately if someone has already asked about her, I would love to read answers to Pixie Hollow stuff.

thankie! meme here

How I feel about this character:

i love her so much ;-; had a whole lesbian crisis when i met her because i love evil feral women who don't know how to sit properly and i was very unprepared to get that here. i'm really excited to explore her character more even if sw is so intimidating

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

kanan (childhood friends to enemies to something, but also sometimes just plain enemies to whatever)

hera (i would have loved to see them interact because it's a little reminiscent of maureen/smith from the lost in space reboot lmao)

minister tua in about 6 different canon divergent AUs because i need them to stay alive and make out and have cybernetic implants to replace everything they lost in their respective ""deaths"" that they work on for each other

a pre-canon oc who i'm still figuring out the details on!! there was a canon comic character who kinda fit this role but the age/personality ended up not working as well, so i'm hopefully going to involve her but not in the role this oc takes on

potentially ahsoka because their fight was A++ but i don't know enough about her character and i can't cope with clone wars just yet

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

her and her little parrot droids!!!!!! i love that she loves them more than people and i have a lot of headcanons about how technology is predictable and something she can control.

she grew up a jedi and probably got really fucking tired of the more... vague mysticism vibes with the force, and felt betrayed by it all at a certain point. but technology is something she can understand and use to her advantage without having to open herself up to the turmoil of using the force.

i also think that the little area in the armor on her back where droids sit idle in is also... part of her body. like the droids plug into ports that are literally part of her back. and then maybe she has a mental link to them as well through all that. she honestly tends to move like them sometimes.

i think since fifth brother has a cybernetic hand as a result of a training incident/punishment it's not unlikely that other inquisitors have cybernetic parts to them as well.

My unpopular opinion about this character:

hmmmm so. like her creepier lines and behavior are unfortunate but i also don't really hate that part of her. i feel like there's a lot to read into with them sometimes but that's kind of tricky territory i don't think i can word very well.

once example i've seen some people point out is that flirting is a weapon when aimed at jedi because of the chastity-leaning ideals, and she would know to exploit that or use it to catch people off guard.

there are a lot of potential reasons for it, but it still would be great if she could dial it back a bit lmao.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i wish she'd lived :') but the fact rebels!maul is really fucking bad at killing people, and kids' show means slightly off-screen death, i can believe she's alive pretty easily. her dying actually gives me a lot more free real estate to work with in AUs where she didn't so... ngl i'm kinda fine with it.

Favorite friendship for this character:

fifth brother!! i wouldn't exactly call it a friendship but there are... little things.

i think a lot about the development of how they basically went from forcibly working together (with her keeping secrets from him!!) to something that happened on malachor. 5th brother was about to go on ahead with 8th brother to attack the protags, but 7th sister told 5th to stay back with her and let 8th brother put himself at risk to give them both together an advantage. it's a little thing that shows her valuing him and their teamwork, or maybe just her knowing she has a better chance with him by her side (look how that turned out hahaaaaaa.)

like they're still awful to each other, or at least would've been if they lived past that point, but i like to think they managed to slightly shake the competition of the rank system and form some weird mutual understandings they weren't ever supposed to.

there's also a comic panel where vader stops by and she has an arm in front of 5th brother protectively, and knowing vader cut off 5th's hand in training makes me think that was drawn that way intentionally.

My crossover ship:

star wars is too extensive for me to wrap my head around crossing it over with anything else :'') so i saved the ships that are crossing over within the franchise for this one

potentially other inquisitors (mainly 2nd sister and 9th sister) but i'm still making my way thru jedi fallen order so i'm not sure how everything comes together just yet.

same applies to jfo's cere. i just want them to meet and see how cere's angst about 2nd sister would come into play.

and i'm probably going to at least ship her with simone kessell's inquisitor character in kenobi because i'm a lesbian trainwreck <3 if simone isn't playing another blorbo of mine then at the very least it is my gay duty to still involve her somehow

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

[wishesofeternity]

rambling thoughts on SSNS (Glass Alliance 3 by Joanna Hathaway)

(SPOILERS)

(it’s gonna get long)

okay, I read the prologue and already started crying.

I really want Cyar to survive.

“Jali Furswana says that if he dares flatten even one of her cities, she’ll kill him in his sleep with a manicured nail to the neck.“ we’re all rooting for you, Jali.

… Shadowborn? Oh, Athan.

Athan is just Done™

ARMY-NAVY-AIRFORCE! That makes for a cool scene

Kalt is officially the vainest brother.

Oh hey, they won.

Ali’s letter hurts.

"Kaziah’s aggressively watering her beloved herbs” I feel like this is the core of who she is, honestly.

BARK

SHE’S HERE

Arrin, stop being an ass and give Bark a hug.

But on the plus side, he and Athan are finally getting along!

“I’m convinced that if I can learn to paint, if I can just pat every horse I pass and learn to love them, then Ali will come back to me.” … I have nothing to say to that

Just for the record: Leannya is bi, and is therefore my favourite Dakar.

Ali in this book is really like “fuck the rich”

“A dazzling sparkler of a woman” … damn

Oh my god, these soldiers are disgusting.

“Everyone here knows what happens to local girls when left alone with the Butcher of Thurn” I want him dead

"This is what he does. He takes brave people, and he breaks them" I WANT HIM DEAD

Wow, he’s apparently a terrible father, too.

Cyar and Minah are engaged?????!!!!

Garrick and Violet are married????!!!!

Well, at least Athan's love life still sucks

god, I want to give Ali a hug.

Kalt is officially the coolest brother.

"My father...he's fading" excellent

ALI

AND

LEANNYA

!!!!!!!!!!

oh shit

oh shit

wait, this is all happening too quickly

WAIT

This is probably the most visceral, horrifying death in the entire series, and I think what hurts the most about it is just how preventable it was.

god, I'm going to miss his jokes.

“I hate crowds” same

oh god, this hurts

I love Kaziah so much

it feels like Athan has been trying to keep everything and bay and now it’s just … exploded

Athan’s grounded. oops.

Dakar is a terrible father and a military dictator responsible for countless deaths, but at least he likes dogs?

wait, no

this hurts too much

OH MY GOD

RAHELLE

wait, Merlant’s also involved???!

Their plan is from a place of privilege, but it's also well-intentioned, and it makes sense, and it's sure as hell more than what anyone else from Landore is doing.

damn, Leannya is clever

she's also just...so tired of everyone, lmao.

good god

Ali is the governess of Arrin’s son?  

Mati is literally a mini-Arrin and everyone sees it and that is both absolutely hilarious and horrifically tragic

lmao, even Athan hates Windom

I'm kinda confused with Arrin and Windom's dynamic though

I adore all the Leannya content we’re getting so far

ALI AND VIOLET! ALI AND VIOLET! ALI AND VIOLET!

it’s so heartbreakingly sad that they love each other, and they always will, but they’re just so fundamentally divided in who they are and how they see the world that things just … can’t go back to the way they were before.

but they love each other! they’re still sisters!

okay, is everyone married?

Leannya just dragged Athan's ass lmao

Violet is the No. 1 Ali x Athan shipper.

Ali and Athan break my heart.

but also, props to Ali for all this deception, lol

oh fuck

Kalt

wait, no

GARRICK???!

Oh, Garrick

Arrin refusing to see Garrick but making sure his comrades are with him till the very end was … Something.

Poor Folco :(

I like how Athan and Katalin are … comfortable, if slightly distant, friends. It works, for both their parts.

Leannya is doing what we all wish we could do by trash-talking the fuck out of her father

Leannya, I LOVE YOU

I really love Ali, Kaziah and Damir sitting in their apartment and plotting away.

damn, Ali, you’re fucking brilliant

(terrifying, though)

yeah, I can see how this is gonna go down

okay, this entire conversation with Athan and Kalt was intense.

“His Wicked Majesty”

so much shit is going down, and he's actually still concerned about his stupid love life.

oops, Ali x Athan drama

OH SHIT

SHIT

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

WAIT, SLOW DOWN

IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS

WHAT’S GOING ON????!

(This is just not a good day for people who's names begin with K)

… Havis???

Oh damn, I did not expect to see Seath right now.

Seath “builds and breaks, shatters and restores” I love this

“I want to know how a princess—my niece—escaped a royal trial, crossed the sea, survived for eleven months living right alongside her enemy, and now arrived with this” Ali's had a wild life

I love how the conflict so far has just been … this complete disaster of things, everything happening at once and yet nothing moving forward, barely holding itself together with new treaties and scattered positions and haphazard lines. but now, with this one decision, the war that has been looming overhead for so long is finally going to be unleashed.

at least Kalt’s in the sea

“I’ve given you everything. I’ve done everything you’ve ever asked, since I was too young to know better, and now you’ve stolen my brother. This is your own goddamn fault. You made him fight even when in a corner! And you’d better pray I don’t live long enough to see you do the same to him.” Arrin's SNAPPED

oh. my. god.

this entire conversation is making me tear up

the parallels between Ali/Athan and Arrin/Rahelle, though

honestly, this entire conversation about choices is … interesting. and very approproate.

“I want to force them to see us as we are—even if only for a moment.” and "We have the chance to alter history. To make sure they’re broken at the knees for good. We may go down burning, but we’ll take them down burning right along with us, and maybe that’s worth it.” Ali and Athan are so different, and yet they’re exactly the same.

They’ve come so far.

“Make an airplane” HOW DARE YOU

Ali is in a frozen world, surrounded by despair and death and decay … and yet a little child hands her a warm cup of tea.

can you believe I actually found Havis annoying in DotW?

no, honestly, it’s absurd to think about that now. I guess it was because he was that typical annoying, far-older suitor who Ali hated, and though I obviously found him interesting, I didn’t like him.

but all of that seems so far away now. he’s seen a lot, he knows the world, and he does care. he’s entwined with Ali’s family.

also, he's clever and crafty and fun.

“It wasn’t really peace they offered us. It was violence of another kind”

and the fact that Arrin knows how fucked up this is, but he's been fighting for so long, that he's resigned himself to it. he's tired. he's trying to survive.

but Athan, who despite everything he’s seen and everything he’s done, still hopes, is able to convince him to refuse. to take a stand.

and Arrin agrees. because they’re brothers. and because it’s what’s right.

“Arrin takes Father’s chair at the head of the table.”

OH

MY

god

THIS IS SO GOOD

THIS IS GLORIOUS

(just imagine the look on Dakar’s face)

I love this so much. All these people, so very different, who have come from so many different walks of life, but they’re all united in resistance. they’re all united under the name Nahir.

“I’ve learned not to care what anyone thinks of me” good

I would kill for Elan

wait, never mind, Ali already did

“I will kill all the monsters for you. I promise.”

OH MY GOD

IT’S CYAR!

I MISSED HIM!!!!!

Athan and Cyar both wanting each other to get the fuck out of this war and start living again.

but both of them refusing, because that wouldn’t be living, it would be surrendering

all they can do now is fight

Arrin and Leannya are both like “our brother is an idiot with zero self-preservation instincts, and we need to protect him”

aww, Arrin's crying

“And then—then he goddamn hugs me.”

OH

MY

GOD

WHAT THE FUCK???????

I can’t handle this.

I’m taking a break.

Just saying, Sapphie Erelis would be so happy right now. Because this is her legacy. Her children standing together and trying to do what’s right. Her children loving each other, wildly and unconditionally. (also her children overthrowing their father and placing him under arrest) (I think the last one would almost make her happier, honestly)

god, Ali has come so far, and I’m so sad for her, but I’m also in awe.

she’s amazing.

Seath is fascinating, and there’s something about him that’s so similar to Sinora. I don’t know what it is - maybe it’s the way they speak. their expansiveness. the sheerness of the lives they’ve lived and precision in how they continue to endure. There's something so radiant about them.

I LOVE YOU, ALI

Athan and Cyar are 20-years old and are considered old veterans.

“I’m a bastard of a captain” oh, Athan.

Also, what has Leannya been doing till now? Is she in Savient?

but also, how the heck have they managed to hold on so far? like, there’s no way their forces are any match for the combined ones of Landore, Elsandra, Resya, and the other royal nations.

still, there’s something so powerful about them going up against an entire empire to keep their fire burning.

Kif is Athan’s surrogate dad, confirmed.

naturally, Bark works as an adorable buffer between two ex-enemy Aces.

I really love all this resistance fighting. all the little things and the bigger things that they do, that all make a difference.

did I mention I would die for Elan?

“The Safire have outfoxed everyone” whoops. (so that's how they're somehow managing to win.)

Ali raging against the battle unleashing before them,  and then trying to get a little lost girl to safety … that’s who she is in a nutshell.

Ex-rivals to reluctant allies to frenemies who save each other’s asses in battle.

“Prince Charming”, huh?

I ship it

Ali and Arrin do have a strange history between them, but any interaction they have is also just very funny

Ali is so damn sharp, and I love it. She gets people. She gets what her uncle was going to do, and she refused to play into it. She adapts, she survives, and she hopes, and there’s something so empowering about that.

“I know I’m just tired” LMAO (same tho)

“Am I not allowed one impossible hope in all of this?” you are, Ali. You are.

“If her soldiers dared turn back, gave up even an inch of ground, she ordered her officers to shoot them.” what … the … fuck.

yk, the way Dakar was just … brushed aside, without even a word, was so abrupt in the best way possible. I’m honestly curious to know what he thinks about all of this, though.

OH MY GOD, HE’S ALIVE

YES

YES

FUCK, YES

I missed you, Kalt!

…oh no

damnit, Arrin. Just to give my take on it though - I think this was Evertal's idea, and that Arrin knows, deep down, that he is absolutely wrong and Athan is absolutely right. I think those bullshit justifications he came up with, which he might have even convinced himself were true - this is what they need, perhaps things would be different with them - are his way of rationalizing it to himself. But he's unable to see the sheer extent of how wrong he is - how horribly, disastrously, pathetically wrong. He cares and understands on a personal level, but it's like Athan said, he's been groomed to see the world in through sheer objectivity. that's learned behaviour, it explains his thought process and is really sad, but you have no idea how much i want to fucking slap him right now.

oh shit

if they do anything to Elan, I’m gonna fucking murder them

Evertal, leave Elan alone

… oh

Arrin and Elan recognizing each other from Beraya is … something.

wait, what the hell?

those fucking idiots, lmao

“You don’t deserve to be a father” SNAP

I'd love to read a whole other novel just on Seath, and the long complicated heartbreaking tale of his life.

I'm so glad Fenn is alive. I'm so glad Ali is okay.

Arrin was doomed right from the beginning. In this life, there is no way he could have survived.

“The first wave of grief isn’t for me. It’s for Leannya.” oh my god

“But in death, couldn’t he at least be buried beside our mother? Couldn’t we all be together, somewhere, eventually?“ YOU STOP RIGHT THERE

“Maybe he really didn’t want any of this. But it doesn’t matter. He still went—we all did—and now here he is, destroyed by his own artillery. It’s both just and stupid.” that just about sums it up.

but I love how Arrin believed in Athan, till the end and beyond. He knew that he was right. Which is why i think that, had he lived, he would have listened to him. It might have been probably been a longer and messier path, but i genuinely think - or rather, I hope - that at the end of the day, he would have listened to his brother and done the right thing, because I don't think Athan would have let him do anything less. And I think Athan believed that as well - or at least wished for it - because even though Arrin was dead and gone, Athan made the right decision with his name.

I also really like how the narrative doesn’t really … define Arrin. It just gives us his story, his choices, and it lets us decide for ourselves, as history will probably decide for itself, what kind of a person he could have been, and what kind of a person he was.

at least he’s with his mother and sister now.

and I definitely want to know what their father feels about this whole thing.

… holy shit

Fenn

She's such a "give no fucks, take no orders, smash the prisons and the borders" kind of person. She is spectacular.

okay, I’m crying

THEY’RE SISTERS

“We all deserved better”

you did

god, you did

you all deserved so much more

Evertal is just. so entertained by the Dakars brothers' disastrous love lives lmao

WE’RE HERE

WE’RE AT THE PROLOGUE

Oh my god

okay, this is intense

this is INTENSE

Ali and Athan FINALLY come clean to each other, clear up their misunderstandings, and it’s … soothing, in a sense.

“Beautiful in a world of steel.” wait, I remember this. god, Athan, you’re such a romantic.

I love how … the war is raging, and Ali and Athan are there, but they’re together, under a golden sky, and they’re going to be okay.

they’re going to be okay.

... everything seems to have gone to hell again

I love Ali’s letter to Reni.

goddamn

LEANNYA

I can’t believe she actually killed him, lmao

what a legend

ATHAN GETS HIS PLANE BACK

wait

wait, no

god, I expected Cyar to die within the first few chapters, but it’s so much worse that he almost made it to the end

almost

DAMNIT, IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS

of course he went down defending his best friend

but god, I so desperately wanted him to live.

(edit: HE’S ALIVE! HE’S FUCKING ALIVE AND I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY AND DKJSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKS, AT LEAST ONE OF THEM GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING A HAPPY ENDING)

Reni, you have absolutely no right to talk about pretentious royals. You’re one of them.

oh, no

Violet’s gone, too. at least she’s with her father again, and Garrick

holy shit

I knew it

I knew it

I KNEW IT WAS LEANNYA. Look at her - she's organizing councils, giving speeches, making sure all those who are lost are returned to their homes. she's amazing, and it is so damn embarrassing that a literal teenage girl is more competent than all these idiots combined.

“I think of her before the League, repeating her brother’s words, making them new. She is him. But she is also not, because she made a different choice.“ I love her

I bet people are gonna have historical debates about the Dakars someday.

and i love how this situation seems to be shaping up? because Landore might have won now, but Savient is gonna be the nation that eventually gets it right in the long run. maybe not the immediate future, where the story will be rewritten, but a century from now, in the eyes of history, i think they're going to be viewed very differently. because the values on which Savient was founded upon were always important. they grew dangerous with Dakar, but the potential is there. it's always been there. and im sure, someday, it's going to thrive.

“I want us to have mattered.” you have, Ali. I promise you, you have

what the FUCK

this is so wacked and so fucking amazing, holy shit

I guess Athan has two surrogate father-figures, now.

Athan is like “look, if I’m gonna die, can I at least have some food?”

The Isendare siblings make me sad

(Not really relevant, but i wish Ali had taken her mother and uncle's surname in this book? It would have been symbolic but would have also been a genuinely believable and logical decision based on the way she's grown over the series)

“If we’re truly looking for those guilty by association, then are you not the greatest culprit here?“ DRAG HIS ASS, ALI

I’ve waited for this for so long

honestly, I really cannot stand pro-monarchists. and I find Reni...sad, but also deeply irritating. It's a mixture of his absolute privilege, his self-righteousness, the way he pats gimself on the back for doing the literal bare minimum (honestly, barely even that), and the way he occupies a weird centrist middle-ground position in the conflict that allows him to be complicit in it while also staying removed from it while also benefiting from it.

I'm glad he's found his own path though the circle of reformers, and that he's doing what Sinora had dreamed of.

“It wasn’t good enough." / "But it was good.” SHUT UP

sorry, I refuse to believe that Athan will die.

I’m just … I'm so happy for Ali

I’m so happy that she gets to live on her own terms, that she's in the South, with the people she’s come to love. I'm so happy that she looks at flowers growing from the ruined earth, and sees herself in them.

I’m so happy that she gets to live.

I’M SO HAPPY THAT ATHAN IS OKAY

I love how this series has a prologue that shows a world that’s broken, and an epilogue that shows a world that’s finally beginning to heal.

Okay, I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep now. See y'all in therapy.

I am so fucking grateful that I read this story.

[godwithwethands]

lmao i don't know all your shipping preferences but can i say, i much prefer sam with ba'al than with jack (this might be because i'm a high jack/daniel shipper but also, i just prefer the sam/ba'al vibe over the sam/jack vibe)

I'm a multishipper so I ship pretty much everything simultaneously: I love JackDaniel too 🥰🥰🥰 They are so cute and so good for eachother 🥺

Honestly yeah I prefer the vibe of BaalSam to JackSam as well 👁️👅👁️ But that's personal taste and interpretation of course 🥴

Oh no now I feel like explaining in depth why I love Baalsam and why I ship it... oh no... someone stop me 😩... LET'S FREAKING GO I'M GONNA EXPLAIN WHY!!!!

Mino’s “Here’s why I love BaalSam so much” aka just me gathering up the few baalsam crumbs the show writers, Amanda Tapping and Cliff Simon left in their wake....and baking a cake with those crumbs.

Before I start, PSA: English is not my first language, so please bear with me if there are any mistakes 😭

Okay so I feel like at first I can't explain it without mentioning the differences with jacksam, and to all jacksam shippers: I love jacksam to bits too and they're so good, as the show has showed us multiple times, but I miss a little spice here 😩🌶️

I will also briefly talk about things I have found in Baalsam fics that I adore in (Fic points)!! And link back to fics I love with (x)!!!!

(Mid-writing note: I realize I say a lot about Baal and less about Sam, and that is because I just think about Baal way much than I think about Sam, mainly because we have so little Baal screentime compared to Sam’s screentime. I often wonder how/what he feels and try to analyze his behavior closely. 🥺 I don’t do it as much with Sam, sadly 😭

1. The ship dynamic scale (totally made up by yours truly, me 😎)

I often describe the ships I prefer as "A is obnoxious and B is struggling to stay sane" (maybe because it is a description of my own relationship??? 🤔) (this is exagerrated for fun and giggles don't worry i am fine and happy). They are all a variation of this, in different levels. I'd say jacksam fits level 1, Jack being obnoxious sometimes but in an endearing, jokingly, "aww you're such a goof 😍😂" way, and Sam's not really struggling, she just laughs and shakes her head, her heart full of love for her man.

Baalsam on the other hand. Oh boy. They are on level 5 out of 5. What the hell. Baal is obnoxious, in the villain way. And that means, a VERY extra way. He's mean obnoxious. Putting salt in the wound obnoxious. "if you don't shut up I will punch your teeth in/shoot you" obnoxious. Sam is struggling every minute to stay sane with this crazy motherfucker. He's SO MUCH. ALL THE TIME. But joke's on her, she also thinks it's funny. 🤡 That's her sanity flying out the window.

Seriously, Sam has to put her foot down. She has to play Baal’s game and sometimes be mean too. I feel like Baalsam allows Sam to unveil her true potential. A strong woman who takes no shit from men and 2000 years old overlords. She can be 200% true, smug, mean. Maybe JackSam respect each other too much they wouldn’t dare saying/doing some things like Baalsam would  🤔 Maybe Sam is restrained by everything she lived with Jack, the respect she has for him, the 10 or so years spent having him as her superior officer.

A lot think that Sam got her smug from Jack, but I don’t agree: she was smug from the get-go in COFG. She just can’t be too smug with him around or it’d sound like insubordination. Aint she tired of being nice? Doesn’t she wanna go apeshit? That’s what baalsam is. Sam going apeshit and quitting being the perfect nice girl.

Baalsam is an explosive volcano and it ravaged me 😩💖💖💖

2. Baal is a Villain

Send him to horny villain jail!!! BONK!!! 💥🔨

Baal being a villain is VERY important. Villains are so extreme. Everything he does, he does way too hard and too much. His evil plans? As layered as an ogre. Onion. I meant onion. His wardrobe? Nothing but the finest. His love? He'd give his Queen the Universe.

I love that. Everything he does, it's too much. But it's so amazing. Urghhj I love it SO MUCH. Sam is overwhelmed 😩💖 All of that for HER?? Damn, boi either really wants to get laid with her especially or.. 🙊‼️ I love the concept of a Villain’s Love because it knows no boundaries. A villain won’t be held back by things like morals, the love they feel is disproportionate......AND I DONT KNOW Sam being able to provoke this kind of feeling in Baal’s little snake heart makes me lose my absolute fucking mind!!!!! 

Very important too: even if he becomes a SGC ally in one way or another in whatever AU, Baal will still keep his good ol' villain habits. Sam would try to tone them down, but they will always be there. You don't erase 2000 years of bad habits 😭. His first solution will be murder, and she will go "we talked about this." Classical Enemies to Lovers shit  🥴💖 (x)

(Fic point: When Baal does something so extreme yet so so soooo damn sweet for her and Sam can’t believe it??? 10/10 Or when he acts on his villain plans for distasteful jokes and that puts Sam on a tight spot and he immediately feels bad at the unfair treatment she gets because of him (x))

3. The endless verbal jousting

I love watching them being mean to each other. If Baal goes too far, she /would/ hit him, and he would turn his other cheek saying "Do it again, loved it". What a freak 🥴🌶️ (x)

Honestly I just love their little sparring matches, even more so when they do it in front of an audience. Like lmao guys..... y'all flirting in front of everyone what the hell!!! BONK !! 💥🔨 horny jail for both of you. At least Teal’c seems to enjoy their jousting  😂 He even teases them holy shit, Teal’c is the true multishipper in that show!!!!

(Fic point: When they argue and come to a fistfight (mostly Sam hitting and Baal taking or blocking the hits)? HELL YEAH!!!!)

4. Admitting the other’s qualities

I’ll start with Baal:

Baal seems to appreciate the courage Sam shows in front of him. You could explain her confidence in The Quest by saying that at this very moment Baal doesn’t have an advantage on Sam since she’s the one holding the gun. There is something else, and I will bring it up later.

Let’s talk about Reckoning!!!! The situation is different, Baal actually called for help whereas he was supposed to kill everyone on Dakara. And here goes the little sparring match in front of Jacob  🤡 Sam ordering Baal around??? Being smug as hell??? 10/10 love it

It’s the first time he sees her and he’s taken aback. He should look mad, having a woman addressing him like that. But he looks rather surprised and curious of what’s going to happen next. I can literally hear the little “Hm. Interesting.” in his head. Baal enjoys that smug look on her face. Tau’ri female who??? Who IS she!!! Quick gotta be a jerk so she won’t suspect I’m crushing super hard right now!!!! Cliff Simon decided Baal will be the horny one among the System Lords and holy shit he did just that 😂😂😂 i’m sorry i’m just incohenrently babbling at this point I CANT BELIEVE THIS, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!!!!! you thought that huge ass post was going to be me thoughtfully bringing points and evidence? nope it’s just me losing my shit.

I believe that, despite what Baal says, he recognizes Sam’s intelligence to some extent. He’s just too proud to say it clearly and is too busy testing Sam’s limits. The more I think about it, the more I feel like he really looked for that punch in The Quest. Some kind of... I don’t know... “What makes you so special, as a female Tau’ri, to be on your kind’s elite scout team? How much can you take before you retaliate, if you retaliate at all? Show me what you’re made of.” kind of thing? Baal has shown some kind of interest in Earthlings in the past. He has studied them while living among them and he seems to like how different they are from other humans, Now he knows she’s as fierce as she needs to be to survive in this galaxy.

Have you sEEN his smile and his laugh after she punched him in The Quest? AFTER SHE TURNED HER BACK TO HIM TOO, OH, MY GOD. He really wanted a drastic reaction from her and he got it.

That is a “I love me a woman who can kick my ass” kinda smile if you ask me  👁️w👁️...

What makes me think that it was a test is: after the punch and Sam’s threat to kill him, he stops being so annoying and they can finally work together. But why? Why did he care about being killed? He was a clone, there’s no way he was still hoping to steal the Sangraal from SG-1, so his mission as this one Baal clone couldn’t be fulfilled anyway. That makes me think that he was just testing Sam’s limits, and maybe having a little fun with her.

(Fic point: I LOVE IT when Baal gets access to the SGC and everyone gets on his nerves because he thinks they are all dumb as shit. But when he talks with Sam, he’s not so annoyed. She can keep up with him. Well, sometimes she needs a little help but- Maybe she’s okay to be with sometimes...(x))

Sam’s turn: 

It’s no problem for Sam to admit Baal’s intelligence. However the idea of working with him just makes her go [grimacing emoji]  😭 😭 😭 She just knows he’s gonna be obnoxious pfahahaha But!! She trusts and values his knowledge nonetheless! She knows that teamed up with Baal, they can solve anything. I believe that’s why she asks him for help so easily despite...Well, Baal being Baal.

I feel like, when you put the "it’s a matter of life and death” thing aside, Sam’s desire to learn could push her towards Baal. She knows there is a lot she could learn from him, and they can work together once he stops insulting her every 5 seconds. She can learn from him in those moments.

(Fic point: I love fics where Sam learns things from Baal... It’s usually very sweet, because Sam is absolutely adorable when she’s excited about science and Baal can’t help but melt a little bit when she smiles so bright at him. Thankful.) 

5. Sam’s kindness 

I said earlier that, as we all know, Baal is a villain. But what’s important here is that he is a Goa’uld System Lord. 

No trust, no kindness and love allowed between those guys. Those would leave the door open for treason and low blows. (See Qetesh in Continuum)

(I believe the only Goa’ulds truly in love we saw were Apophis and Amaun’et)

Now what I tell myself is: that must be pretty freaking lonely. In any shape or form. You can’t have friends, because you can only befriend your fellow godlings who will try to kill you at any given opportunity. Same for mates. 🤔 Baal is just alone at the top of his army and that’s all. What if this isn’t enough? He is different from other Goa’ulds.

What if Sam’s genuine worry and thankfulness towards him in Reckoning were the first time he had someone feel those towards him for like, hundreds, or even thousands of years? Not something distorted and stained by any slave-to-god adoration?

He is soooo surprised. He even stutters a little? At a loss for words when faced with kindness, you, galactic overlord? And she looks actually worried about him and his ship about to go down, when before saying thank you, she asks him what’s going on. I like to think that this first interaction shaped what Baal will think and feel for Sam forever....And that it made him a bit soft for her  🥺 Maybe he sees in Sam (and in the rest of SG-1, see: how much fun he’s having with them during The Quest) a possibility for friendship and maybe more, something he hasn’t considered for A WHILE. He seems to be thinking “did she really say that...wait what do I answer to this...uh....Good luck.......ok i said it. damn that was weird.” 

Also can I briefly talk about this??

Why does Sam look so embarrassed in a “Oh god right Dad is right there and saw all of that hUM.” way 😂 I don’t think she felt like it was creepy, since Baal was just responding to her kindness, and she definetely doesn’t want to talk about her being nice to a System Lord with Jacob bjfdjgbfdg

(Fic point: All I can think of is this fic where Sam gets thrown in a prison cell with a badly beaten up Baal (his symbiote is not able to heal his wounds because of a collar he wears), and she refuses to leave him there to die. They escape together 😭💖💖💖 (x))

6. Sam knows Baal will never hurt her

Maybe this is a result of Sam’s kindness in Reckoning, but Baal made it clear to Sam that he would never hurt her directly. And this is what I was referring to when I said “there’s something else” in Sam’s confidence in confronting Baal. This line below activates all of my monkey braincells because what the hell!!!!

That’s “I kinda like you” in Villain language is it not????? Out of all the things Baal could have answered to “You can kill me if you want”, he decides to say “I would never dream of killing you.” with a voice so soft... oh my god. Talking about soft....

Is it me or Baal’s touch on Sam is kind of gentle....like he doesn’t hold her wrist too tight or anything,,,,  🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭💖💖💖 Because honestly, another Goa’uld would have yanked on her arm so hard to put their hands on that hard drive but no no no he just closes his hand on her wrist and lets her go gently when she pulls out of his grip and AM I OVERANALYZING THIS?????? IM SORRY I GOT THAT TRAIT FROM MY DAD!!!!!!! we just have that tendency to watch things over and over again to notice all the small detailsssss

I like to think that afterwards, once the heat of the moment gone, she noticed that, hey. He /could/ have hurt her very badly, she was at his mercy after all. But he decided against it. Maybe because she’s the only one who’s been nice to him for literal cenTURIES????? HHHNHNHNHNHN I CANT!!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE SHE NOTICED IT!!!! And that it’s why she’s so confident addressing him like she does in The Quest.

I think I’ve addressed pretty much everything here and I’m going to talk about more things I like about BaalSam but more on the headcanon side  🤔

Miscellaneous: 

About Baal’s host:

I have said multiple times that Baal is different from other Goa’ulds, and I really don’t think it is just an act. 

He is willing to break the god act, change strategies when he realizes there are better ways to proceed, searching for new allies in drastic situations, etc etc... Baal is way more human than other Goa’ulds.

What if that was because Baal let his host’s thoughts influence his own?

Why wouldn’t there be asshole humans wanting to be hosts to asshole Goa’uld symbiotes? Just like the Tok’ra, but on the villain side? (even if Tok’ras are assholes lol) (except Jacob. I love Jacob) (And Martouf) (I don’t like Martouf but he’s the only one with Jacob that I consider a Real Tok’ra) (The other ones are hypocrites) (ANYWAY!)

I love to think that when Baal doesn’t have the flanged voice, it is his host who speaks, as Tok’ras do. I know symbiotes don’t have to talk with the flanged voice but. Having Baal and his host thinking so alike that it doesn’t matter if it’s the host or the symbiote talking makes so much sense to me. It really could explain his different way of thinking. Baal has shown curiosity for humans and how they think, how to better manipulate them...What if it was because of the good experience he has with his host? It could also explain why he’s the horny one amongst the System Lords 😂 He is just very human in a lot of ways.

Now you’re like “ok but what does that have to do with Baalsam” AND YEAH I HEAR YOU !!!! I just think it may be easier to imagine Baalsam for a non-shipper if you see Baal in that light?  🤔 🤔 🤔 it sure helps Sam seeing herself with him in fics 🥴 I don’t know!!! We know so little about Baal, and there are so many possibilites. I’m going way out of the Baalsam remit but at the same time, I strongly believe those who don’t understand the ship are those who stop their analysis of Baal at Abyss. He is so much more than just “that one Goa’uld who tortured and killed Jack in that one episode”. Baal has so much potential that makes this ship work!! Sam seeing that potential makes this ship work!

Sam hosting Baal (yes, the symbiote):

OKAY OKAY OKAY SO!!! This is something I LOVE to bits!!

That’s a thing that is great if as I said, Baal and his host are on the same wavelength. But it can work without it nonetheless.

Sam hosting Baal, consensual or not, is always ALWAYS such an amazing trope. (x) It’s really something that makes me hyperventilate because it makes them so close...so blended...it’s infinitely intimate... When Baal is in love with Sam, it’s even better. (x) I almost can’t describe it because it is so wonderful. Being able to feel each other’s feelings. Baal healing Sam from inside when she’s injured. Sam deciphering his emotions and most importantly the affection he has for her, especially when he still haven’t confessed it? holy shit it’s SO DAMN GOOD!!!!! The silent conversations they can have within Sam’s head, Baal pouring Goa’uld knowledge into Sam’s mind. It’s just the two of them and I can’t express how comforting that is to read.

i don’t know, random stuff I like i guess, I’m almost done: 

He just really craves her attention huh. Look at that smile, so cute...”I’m smart! Did you know I’m smart as hell? Of course you did. But I Would Like You To Acknowledge It.” He’s even bouncing on his heels, i love when he does that!!!! He is turning towards Sam especially too  😭💖 and she’s just ê____ê LMFAO

(Maybe this is just another “it is my speciality and not yours” moment but hey i like to give him the benefit of the doubt 💖)

Baal being “I’m tired of being a villain, I want to be loved now”...Aren’t you tired of going apeshit? Don’t you want to be nice? just a little bit?

Baal using so much petnames so easily... i’m usually not a fan of those but having him saying “my love, my sweet” etc etc oh fuck!!!!! i don’t know wHY it gets me!!! 

A lot of Baalsam fics are smutty, and while I enjoy that, I still think they have so much potential on the spiritual level. They’re both nerds and they both have so many things to learn from the other. (x)

Baal taking Sam on his ship to show her some neat space stuff.

Baal loving motorcycles just like Sam and modifying engines with naqadah.

Guess i’m just gonna link to fics I love now nvkjfdg and that I haven’t linked to already--

In the Lap of the Gods - Rating: M - Sam gets stuck in a sarcophagus with Baal. Really well thought fic, I love it!!!

The Mating game - Rating: M - Ten dates. Can I call this slow burn? It’s slow but not too slow. Please read this, it’s hilarious and so well written like- this fic makes me lose my absolute shit!

The Mating Game: Endgame - Rating: E - Read after The Mating Game. Honestly yEAH!!! Amazing sequel to an already amazing prequel, what else can I say 😩💖 you got some Host!Sam action in this too!!

Enemy Amongst Us - Rating: E - Hmmmm Sam falling for Baal is always yummy 🥴 It has more than that, it’s pretty wild!!!!!!

Those are not all but they are the ones i prefer 🥺💖💖💖 (along the ones I linked during the essay) 

I think I’m done? Congratulations for reading all of this lmao  😭💖 I hope you can see why I love Baalsam so much now!! They are just SO MUCH FUN!!! 

feel free to send me asks and stuff about this TvT/

[jujutsu-headcanons]

Yes to Yuji wrecking Mahito! Just so much yes my boy needs to avenge those wrongfully killed!

See I wanted Geto to be on my shit list (as I'm not normally a bad guy lover) but I swear he wore me down reading the manga. Plus he's just so pretty he makes my brain all static noises 😳 Not to mention that backstory between him and Gojo like YES give me all the drama I need buried drama 🤩

Totally agree on the Mai thing. See I wanted to hate Todo too bc of well him beating on Megumi but the moment him and Yuji were just like "Big Dumb Meat Heads" together I threw that out the window! Those two together are *chefs kiss* Absolutely stupendous I never get tired of them 👌👌👌

Mai on the other hand is just crawling more and more under my skin. Like why you gotta be like that gurl? You wanna go in the crusty corner with Mahito? Cuz you gotta crusty attitude that needs fixing like yesterday 😐

Literary brain tells me it wants more drama/character growth between Megumi and Toji. But my useless overly big heart wants to punch Toji and protect Megumi at all costs bc he just showed up on the screen like the kool aid man and burst right into my heart and I shan't forgive Megumi for that but now I will die for him so ¯\_( ツ)_/¯

But I'm not the only one who lowkey fantasizes about self inserty type day dreams??? Like every day all day I got my thoughts flowing into 500 different lil oneshots I'm too chicken to post anywhere bc I havent written anything in a while and I feel I'm rusty. But your idea! YOUR IDEA WOO BOI- I'm not even a Gojo fanatic (like I adore him but my heart dick thudded elsewhere RIP) but that scene you described of straddling him just to rip his blindfold off in the heat of an arguement that's clearly deadly to either party- Just to see him on the brink of tears fighting back every emotion to slate his composure to cocky/uncaring. Only to have it obviously failing, and the metaphorical reality around you both crumbling along with Gojo's emotional state- Oh God I would read that crap outta something like that. It fills me with the angst and I thrive on it daily *heavy breathing* You should think about posting more of your original content too! Self inserty or not bc that sounds down right brilliant on so many levels

💛anon

Bro I can't help but feel had for Gojo. That shit must have hurted. Like he looked so calm and collected when it all happened but was he really? His best friend potential lover went feral and murdered an entire village AND his family then he tried to kill his first years once and now AGAIN what is happening. Did you see the look on Gojo's face when Yaga told him he went rogue? That was a face of hurt and betrayal he couldn't even begin to understand at the young age of... What was it, 17? 18? He was practically a little itty bitty baby compared to now. I haven't read the prequel yet don't laugh at me but I've heard it hurts so much worse having to face Getou back then AND now. Stupid brain worms, stop fucking around.

I wanted to hate Todo too hut before he even turned good I couldn't. I have a thing for big buff boys who have zero brains and too much brawns I'm looking at you Metal Bat, Captain Ōbi I just wanna adopt/marry them because in all reality they're trying their best. I'm really glad Todo exists and has his big brother delusion because honestly I think that's something Yuji needs, especially in the current arc. Yuji needs as much support as he can get.

PFFFT CRUST CORNER I cannot with you omg they do need to sit on the time out chair for s bit and think about what they've done lmaooo

DID YOU CALL TOJI ZENIN- FUSHIGURO THE FUCKING KOOL AID MAN AHAHAHHHSH oh my god i hate this so fucking much or were you calling Megumi the koolaid man bc really each one is absurd n e wayz I dunno bro I rlly can't wait until Megs wakes up post Shibuya arc and actually has time to process what the fuck happened to him back then. I really want to know if he can connect the dots by himself and realize holy shit that was the source of my daddy issues right there in the flesh and how he reacts to him being a curse and all that. There's so many ways that can go too it's scary to think about.

Low key unrelated but I have a theory that Gojo can see everything from his little cube prison and knows what's going on. Its probably because of the six eyes, or because he's just fucking Gojo, or even because Geto seems kinda sadistic and would do something like that. But I can imagine him watching Megs and Toji fight and it absolutely destroying him. For starters, Gojo killed him .... Right? Wtf is he doing back? What? Second don't commit suicide in front of your kid oh my god Toji what (I'm probably just salty because of a past experience, but also, calm down Toji oh my god) and third I can see it hurting Gojo because in a way it feels like he's been trying to protect Megumi. Its obvious Gojo has this attachment to Megumi, and maybe it's because they've known each other so long, but I don't think Gojo is prepared to deal with the aftermath. Does he have to tell him, if Megs doesn't put the pieces together? Will he have to knock some sense into him to actually tell him? Because he DID try to tell Megs once before and he avoided it like the plague. Its also gotta hurt when you feel like someone's dad and you witness them have a bad interaction with their other dad.

Throw in his daughter being on the brink of death, his other son being emotionally demolished, his second year kids lost in the void and not even his void, his best friend locked him in a box, his other best friend exploded, etc. I think Gojo I pretty distraught even if he doesn't show it

Bro okay my brain is riddled with ideas like this and 90% of them are always angst. Idk where tf they come from half the time but they exist and I hate it. They're always self inserts too.

So I actually read this ask last night, but due to personal reasons I didn't reply to it now, and I actually started experimenting writing out this scenario. I had to stop when I wrote the line "Approximately one year after the first finger was consumed, Itadori Yūji was formally executed. At three minutes to midnight, Sukuna Ryomen was expelled from his body, destroying the vessel along with it. The executioner was none other than the teenager's teacher and mentor Gojo Satoru. When Y/N awoke to this news, they attacked on sight."

Oh god I made myself so sad with that line

And i do really want to post some of my fics, like I did with Nobara Meeting Sukuna For The First Time. However, I only posted that because it was short and simple lmao it was basically just a meme I didn't even run it though grammarly like I do with the headcanons.

I like sticking to the headcanons as of right now because I feel like grammar didn't exist when I make those. I can spell things wrong and leave off punctuation and word then like I'm a third grader just learning English and no one will laugh lmao. Fanfics kinda stress me out because i want them to be perfect. I also have a hard time with fight scenes and transitioning and it's s mess.

I REALLY want to write out my Guardian Angel! Junpei AU because I think it's so cute. Just the idea that this boy is assigned to fight against fate and the higher ups and keep Yuji alive despite him being an idiot and a target is cute to me. Like I just canon him being the plantonic equivalent of in love with this boy and he feels like he rlly owes it to Yuji for trying to save him it's the LEAST he can do. Plus I need the mental imagine if Junpei annoying reader-chan into finding Yuji because "they play a pivotal role in Yuji's future" just for the "pivotal role" to literally be playing therapist and just being there for him and being a medium between Junpei and Yuji because guardian angels aren't allowed to reveal themselves to the person they're guarding but also/// he might risk his wings being stripped just to talk to Yuji one more time////

Okay I'm going to stop now

But yea, maybe if I have time and create little mini works like Nobara Meeting Sukuna For the First Time I'll def post them! I'll work on casually making them longer and soon I'll be confident to posts longer ones. But until then I hope just the headcanons at alright ;-;

[extreme-technicality]

does talking to an anon help about ninjago help? cuz I'm down

DHDKCKGSC YES IT DOES THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OFFERING YOUR SERVICES

Okay now that I know I won’t be clogging people’s dashes buckle the fuck in my dude and I should stress that I literally would not be talking about this as much as I will be if I didn’t genuinely enjoy the show. I’m gonna go season by season and just Rant

S1 has the serpentine as the bbeg and like, as far as villains go they’re p lit. They’re early enough that they haven’t been done to hell, things are fresh, the characters and dynamics are being fleshed out, and all in all s1 is a pretty solid season. There’s some fuckery that gets brought up re: how the FUCK aging works and what the actual timeline of Ninjago is and how Wu and Garmadon fit into that timeline, fuckery that LITERALLY NEVER GETS RESOLVED IN A SATISFYING WAY BC ITS REVEALED IN A LATER SEASON (s8, dw we’ll get there lmao) THAT THE ONLY REASON THE FIRST SPINJITSU MASTER, WU, AND GARMADON LIVED AS LONG AS THEY DID IS CUZ THEYRE BASICALLY DEMIGODS AND ITS IMPLIED THAT LLOYD WILL ALSO LIVE FOR A LONG ASS TIME WHICH MEANS ONE DAY HES GONNA OUTLIVE ALL HIS FRIENDS AND EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED WHICH IS A FUN THING TO THINK ABOUT AT NIGHT But anyway I digress, s1 also coincidentally introduces Lloyd (he wasn’t in the pilot episodes that set up the rest of the series) and the existence of Evil Dad Garmadon.

S2 is where Garmadon starts acting a lot more Evil and a lot less Dad. He’s the main antagonist for that season, and I actually read somewhere that the show was originally slated to end after s2 which high key explains the fuckery of literally every single season after this lmaooooo. Much like s1, I really can’t find much to complain about, the first two seasons are pretty decent as far as I can remember

Season. Fucking. Three. Where the fuck do I start??? I hate season three for entirely personal reasons revolving around the STUPID GODDAMN ROMANCE WRITING. okay lemme back up and explain a thing first so, Jay is dating Nya and they’re fine, they’re going steady, aND THEN????? THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON INTRODUCES BULLSHIT LOVE TRIANGLE FUCKERY FOR ZERO GODDAMN REASON, BITCH I HATE LOVE TRIANGLES AND I HATE THEM EVEN MORE WHEN THEYRE DONE FOR NO GODDAMN REASON!!! AND THEN. AS IF THAT WERENT ENOUGH. THEY SHOEHORNED A ROBOT ROMANCE BETWEEN ZANE AND PIXAL AND I KNOW I RANTED ABOUT THIS A LITTLE BIT WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING BUT I DIDNT GO INTO ENOUGH DETAIL!!!! THEY MADE THE OTHER NINJA OOC IN ORDER TO PROP UP THEIR SHIP!!!!!! AND AT ONE POINT ZANE GOES “its like we were…made for each other” AND I HAD TO FUCUCJDHVE I HAD TO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW BRO, IM SO TIRED!!!! NO THE FUCK YOU WERENT!!!!!! YOU WERE MADE FOR YOU AND PIXAL WAS MADE FOR PIXAL AND IF YALLS WANNA BANG BOLTS THATS FINE BUT DONT IMPLY THAT EITHER OF YOU WERE MADE INCOMPLETE!!!! THATS AN INSULT TO YOUR MAKERS AND YOURSELVES, MOVE ON, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. anyway that season also killed Zane (for the first time, but not the last) (spoiler alert lmao) and like, not to be an emotional little shit but I did cry a bit at his funeral.

S4 is honestly one of my favorites, even though the romance crimes continue (the love triangle bullshit is continuing and honestly I maintain that Cole, Nya, and Jay should all have gotten together and in my personal canon they DID, and also Kai has a forced romance) the VILLAIN makes up for it imo. He’s campy!! He’s funny!! He’s a clown!! He’s serious enough that if he says “I’m gonna kill you” HE MEANS IT and that’s so fucking refreshing!!!! S4 is honestly 8/10 just for the villain alone, don’t like that it retconned the SHIT out of the elemental masters and how many different elements there are TO master but eh, it’s ninjago, shit is stupid.

S5 was…interesting? OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT S3 INTRODUCED A GARMADON WHO WAS A LOT LESS EVIL AND A LOT MORE DAD, HONESTLY I THOUGHT IT TOOK A LOT OF THE FLAVOR OUT BUT THATS JUST ME LMAOOO. anyway s5 killed Garmadon, and I was a little sad cuz I like him okay??? I just think he’s NEAT, he’s got big dad energy, he was teaching Lloyd some shit that just got DROPPED and literally was never brought up again which is honestly a theme in Ninjago. Ninjago drinking game: take a shot every time they introduce a plot point or ability and drop it at or before the end of the season. WHICH THEY ALSO DID IN S5 WITH A DIFFERENT POWER ACTUALLY, so all the ninja are masters of Spinjitsu right, well s5 introduced the concept of Airjitsu which only Spinjitsu masters can learn and it lets them FLY and they used that for seasons 5 and 6 and then they nEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN EVEN THOUGH IT WOULDVE COME IN HANDY FOR S E V E R A L DIFFERENT SITUATIONS ACROSS THE SEASONS, ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FALLING TO THEIR DOOM AND MY ASS WOULD BE YELLING “YOU CAN FLY, DUMBASS” - anyway, they do that again later lmao it’s fine. But what’s low key NOT fine is they made Nya the WATER NINJA!!! Like I’m not mad she has powers, except I kinda am, she was doing just fine as Samurai X and honestly the only reason she has super special ninja powers is for plot reasons. Also Cole got turned into a ghost, but by s7 he’s????? No longer a ghost????????? And that’s NEVER addressed or reasoned away, so like. Cool lmao

S6 didn’t happen. Like, canonically, s6 ends with wish fuckery that undoes the entire season and none of the characters remember anything that happened except Jay and Nya because S6 is the season where they get back together so they remember all those events for???? Feelings reasons?????? Unclear, moving on. The actual bbeg for S6 was a djinn with a vaguely Spanish accent, and to this DAY I don’t know why they made him have a SPANISH accent. Djinn are Arabic, not Spanish!! They’re not central or South American, either!!!! Your villain design makes no sense, do better

S7 had MORE time fuckery, and retconned what happened to Kai and Nya’s parents and hmmmhmhmhmhmhm that makes me Upsetti Spaghetti :3 not just the retconning, but the fact that they LITERALLY brought them back oNLY TO NEVER MENTION THEM AGAIN!!!!!! LITERALLY!!!!!!!! Okay so at the VERY very beginning, like pilot episodes beginning, Kai talks about their dad like he died/left fairly recently, BUT s7 contradicts that and claims that both of their parents were essentially abducted when Kai and Nya were little kids, which makes me question what in the fresh fuck two little kids were doing for all those years alone. SETTING THAT ASIDE FOR A HOT SECOND, their parents were also apparently good friends of Wu’s and old war buddies (from the Serpentine wars, which is YET ANOTHER bit of the timeline that doesn’t quite add up but honestly I could make a whole other post about that shit). But if they were such good fucking friends, why didn’t Wu check in every now and again??? What the fuck was Wu doing that was so fucking important that he couldn’t have been assed to visit his friends ONCE in like TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS and realize “oh shit, they’re not here and there are two tiny children running around unsupervised…My Kids Now : )” LIKE????? WU YOU LOW KEY SHOULDA LOOKED OUT FOR YOUR FRIENDS’ KIDS BETTER, THEY COULDA DIED BRO!!! Uhhhh the time fuckery also results in Wu getting yeeted ahead in time a bit and the ninja gotta find him

Season. Eight. I have…mixed feelings about this one. The beginning absolutely SLAUGHTERED me, and not in a “this is so fucking funny” way. No, the beginning made me feel like I was being flayed alive with just about every episode because Ninjago was back on its forced romance bullshit and this time it was Lloyd’s turn on the chopping block. That hurt my soul cuz like, look at that mans color scheme, he’s CLEARLY alloaro, why are you forcing romance on my aro man, why would you hurt me like that, BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE AND THE GIRL HE WAS BEING SET UP WITH HAD A LITTLE HEART TO HEART REALLY EARLY ON AND IT WAS THE MOST QUEER CODED SHIT!!!! IT DEADASS READ AS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN AN OUT AND PROUD QUEER AND A CLOSETED QUEER AND THEY MADE!!! IT!!!!! STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! The only thing that kept me watching at first was wanting to find Wu, and then I started enjoying myself once Cole found a plot-relevant baby and had fatherhood thrust upon him. Everything went from “ehhhhh” to “holy shit this FUCKS” once it was revealed that Rumi (Lloyd’s love interest) wAS PLAYING HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND WAS EVIL AND HAD AN EVIL GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! LITERALLY IMPROVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SEASON FOR ME, I COULD EVEN FORGIVE THE WHOLE “let’s resurrect Garmadon, but as evil as possible” BULLSHIT!!!!!!

S9 is a continuation of s8, Garmadon is back and 1000% Evil, 10% Dad, but none of the Dad energies is directed at Lloyd - it’s all directed at Rumi, and honestly I could write a whole ass post on just RUMI cuz that’s honestly my DAUGHTER and I LOVE HER and I’m MAD SHE DIES AT THE END OF THIS SEASON!!!! SHE DESERVED THERAPY AND TO LIVE WITH HER GF AND MAYBE SOME CRIME. AS A TREAT. RUMI DESERVED BETTER AND LOW KEY IM GONNA WRITE A FIC ABOUT IT, BUT ANYWAY WHERE WAS I

Ah right, so s9 has the four major Ninja stuck in the original dimension with no way home, while Lloyd has no powers (cuz he almost died last season) and has to somehow lead a resistance against Garmadon (who has taken control of Ninjago City and is working on the rest of Ninjago). Actually, s9 is pretty cool. Like, the end of s8 and into s9 are low key my favorite episodes, and I kinda wanna rewatch them now -

S10 is a FUN one. Garmadon got got last season, but he didn’t DIE, so he’s in cold storage and now there’s Another Threat and he’s the only one who knows wtf they’re up against so they let him out and he works with them. The funny part is, he is still Very Much Evil and doesn’t quite Get emotions like he did when he was, uh, human lmao, sO HE WOKE UP EVERY DAY DURING THAT SEASON AND DECIDED TO CAUSE PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING SHIT. 1000000/10 MY FAVORITE GARMADON, he ended that season by literally fucking off into Ninjago and they never decided to track him down 😭😭😭😭😭and I’m so SAD about it dude

S11 has another Serpentine as the bbeg, though in the setup to that they retconned how the fucking Serpentine tribes and history work??? I think???? Also Wu was a good 150% angrier and generally Done with the ninja’s shit, which was honestly refreshing tho I’m not quite sure I liked what the refreshed view was, but whatever lmao. S11 also had the ninja get yeeted to the dimension farthest from Ninjago, and honestly - okay, so they didn’t all go at the same TIME, Zane left about a week or two before the others did but there was time dilation fuckery afoot which I’m not too mad about cuz low key it makes sense. What I AM mad about is that they didn’t play the angst up to its full POTENTIAL!!!!!! Zane was EVIL in the other dimension!!!! Okay so I’m Ninjago he was only gone for maybe a week or two, but DECADES had passed in the other one, and all that time Zane was alone and disconnected from everyone he knew and loved, with a staff that boosted his power while slowly corrupting him and Turning Him Evil to help him, and like???? The thought of Zane trying to find a way home, trying to get SOME sort of message back, while he has to use the staff more and more to help him survive the long, lonely decades, so that by the time his family DOES show up its too late??? BRO. B R O. THAT JUST HITS DIFFERENT, BUT NINJAGO DIDNT DO THAT!!! THEY MADE HIM EVIL DUE TO MEMORY WIPE!!!!!! MEMORY WIPE IS BABY SHIT COMPARED TO A LONG, SLOW CORRUPTION!!!!!!

S12 was alright. It went into Cole’s mom, touched on some of the adventures she had had, threatened another forced romance (this time on poor Cole, just leave my mans ALONE) but thankfully didn’t follow through this time, introduced cool new powers that honestly hasn’t been elaborated on since that’s the most recent season I think lmao

Anyway thanks for reading and letting me rant!!!! I have,,So Much More I could talk about, PLEASE ask me about Rumi, some of my headcanons re: Garmadon and Wu’s dynamic, the Serpentine, my top five times they butchered Kai’s character for Plot Reasons, or anything else I brought up here that you want me to elaborate on!!!

[bpdluv]

a letter that my fp will probably never get lol

EDIT:

scratch all of that shit. he came to lay down with me as soon as i finished writing all of this & we fucked. i'm finally okay again for now <3 lmao i'm so fucked up in the head i seriously need help

baby...

i'm trying to work on communicating better with you so i'm just going to type out how i'm feeling

i have bpd... my biggest fear is being alone

i tried to explain all of this to you again a few days ago

when you ignore me like this it really hurts me

i can't stop all the thoughts that race through my head

i can't help but feel like you hate me and i make you fucking miserable and all you want to do is get rid of me

i don't mind giving you space when you need it or even a few hours to play your games every once in a while

but babe.. it's been over 30 hours now

and we were also away from each other for almost a whole week before this

i miss you a lot.. i just want to spend some time with you

i really want our relationship to work but if you keep neglecting my needs like this then there's no way it will..

i know that might sound harsh so i'm sorry – it wasn't meant to be, but it's the truth

i have a personality disorder that requires extra love & care

it doesn't mean i need your attention 24/7

i just can't handle being ignored for this long..

my mind is a scary place

it's basically impossible for me to tell the difference between what is real and what is not, even when it's my own thoughts..

i need to have reassurance from you

i need to feel important enough to you that you want to spend time with me without needing to ask you to

my emotions are so much stronger than "normal" people

when you choose to prioritize games over spending time with me it hurts so bad i feel like i could literally die

i noticed this has happened a few times in the past but now i'm working to get rid of my old toxic coping mechanisms by teaching myself new healthy ones

i'm choosing to identify the issue and taking my time to think everything over before i address it. calmly & also in a way that will hopefully be easier for you understand too

if you ever need space after an argument or something that's completely fine but please communicate that with me & let me know when you will be ready to talk to me instead of leaving me hanging..

abandonment is my absolute worst fear and all i can think about while you ignore me is:

"he's going to leave me any fucking moment now"

i just feel like you're pulling away from me but i'm not exactly sure why..

when we were talking on the phone before i came up there, you seemed so ready to do anything you needed to do to help fix our relationship – and i am as well

i feel like something just switched in you after we got home though.. but i could be completely wrong. maybe you're just hooked on your game.

some reasons why i feel this way:

you haven't kissed me or touched me at all since yesterday morning

we've barely talked to each other at all since we got back

you've only laid down/sat next to me twice since we got back

the first night back – when you did lay with me for an hour or so, you were barely cuddling me & then you got straight back on your game after we got food (11 a.m.) and you are still playing it now (7 a.m.)

you haven't tried to have sex with me in probably a month now, if not longer (not really an issue but i'm confused by the sudden switch)

it's honestly killing me but i think it's also a build up of how i felt before you left too

i feel like you're tired of me & ready to break up with me but you're trying to avoid it

i really hope that's not the case & it's all in my head (as usual) because i love you so much but if i'm right and you are tired of me, please tell me so i can let you go

i'm trying to be open with you like you asked me to be so you know what i need from you & how you can help me.. not just now but for the rest of our relationship

please.. start spending more time with me or let me go

[monstrous-beauty]

Monstrous Beauty Text Posts

Jake: What (and i cannot stress this enough) the fuck/ sure. blame the guy who's a huge idiot who causes a lot problems, again/ Me in jail: so are you guys familiar with the cell block tango/ Apparently "the vibes are off" isn't a just excuse to leave work early/ what, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck/ what doesn't kill doesn't kill you/ yesterday at target the cashier said "your receipt is the bag* and I responded with "you too" so I've been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I'm slowly coming to terms with it which is cool/ *enters my own password* i'm in/ due to personal reasons I will be cheating death/ *gets down on one knee* *gets down on the other* *doesn't get up ever*/ Not to be dramatic but if I don't get my life together I will die/ I have pure intentions, bitch! you can't kill me/ cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you me: yeah he was not very friendly

Storm: Which is messier my life or my hair/ "I am unknowable" I say as I overshare my biggest childhood trauma's in the first conversation with someone/ I love laying the FUCK down and sleeping/ me: [vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine] everything in the world is my fault/ my only goal in life is to destroy the space-time continuum/ i am a huge fan of space, both outer and personal/ Yeah sex is great but have you looked at common English words and then followed their systematic time changes back through Old English and Proto-Germanic all to the way to their Proto-Indo-European roots, whispered one of those roots out loud, and been overwhelmed by a sense of Lovecraftian insignificance as it dawns on you that you just reached back across scores of centuries and spoke a word older than civilization itself?/ but i don't have a hyperfixation i'll die

Adrienne: im so tired of this life. i want to be a roomba. i want knives taped to me. i want to be set loose./ are my prophetic visions a joke to you/ There has been a lady inside my head screaming for the past 10 years and u think taking a bath and doing yoga will stop her? U are wrong. She is a very mad lady and she will not be silenced/ Cranky because you haven't had any prophetic dreams to aid you on your quest aren't you/ i wish it was 1600 so i cood spelle words howe everr my harte destyred/ me: *hangs out with little kids and tries to teach them self love and feminist ideas*/ Pros and cons of wearing all black pros: hot as hell cons: hot as hell/ If someone points at your black clothes and asks you who's funeral it is, a look around the room and casual "haven't decided yet" is a good response

Solais: mentally i'm at least 5"11. physically? don't worry about it/ don't call yourself edgy unless you talk to dead people and have daddy issues/ im a simple gal. people raise their voices at me, i cry for an hour/ once i figure out how to hold a conversation it's frienship for you bitches/ me: *is tiny* me: (;'._.');/ no homo bro *thinks about you* thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you*/ Listen man I'm just trying to wear soft sweaters and read my books and love myself/ i was put on this earth to eat bagels and be gay/ actually Ratatouille is the dish's name, you're thinking of Ratatouille's monster. im what the kids call

attention seeking/ me gay? why yes thank you for noticing/ on all levels except physical, i am a little heart shaped candy that says "i'm all yours!"/ nothing is awkward or cheesy if you don't give a fuck. i'm on this earth to have a good time. not to be cool./ i aspire to be one of those people who is known for always smelling good and treating people kindly/ big heart energy/ me @ you: >> this is my protecting women and girls knife/ doing violence tonight so watch out if you're weak to attacks/ why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one/ goes to the kitchen holds a knife in my hand for a while. puts it back. goes back to my room

Mal: these hands rated e for everyone/ forgive me father for I have sinned in all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible/ "I expected better from you" well that was your fault lmao i got nothing to do with that/ im beautiful im delicious i literally cannot die i want 200 dollars/ friendly reminder that i literally cannot die, and id love to see any of you fuckers try to take me down/ Slutty in theory but not in practice/ I just wannna be vaguely unsettling, not even scary or creepy, I just want people to look at me and feel like there's something A Little Bit Wrong but they don't know what when they tell the story of the slighty cryptid being to their friends later/ Hmmm gay rights but only for me i think? The rest of you are on your own/ i say i'm gay a lot for someone who is technically bisexual/ occupation: the family disappointment/ [steps on my emotions and grinds them under my heel] anyways/ i am evil and not straight/ me: breathes parents: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE/ you ever listen to your dad talk and be like "why are you like this?"/ dont you hate when you wake up and you're awake/ oh god...oh fuck...*yearns*/ Due to personal reasons I'll be going feral/ Quitting school to become a plant who wants to join me we can make a forest/ Anyways! *climbs out of the scattered and ruined debris of my feelings*/ so what if i love you. shut up/ i ask myself 48 times a day "am I being dramatic? Is this #toomuch?" the answer is always yes of course/ *lawyer voice* eat a dick, your honor/ I may seem like an asshole but deep down I'm good person and even deeper down I'm a bigger asshole/ in my defense, i was left unattended