#I'm pouring her fucked up pov back and forth between my hands like a slinky

[paradife-loft]

@veliseraptor stealing your tags to go on a ramble bc this is a little off on a tangent from the op

#lucille sharpe should've been more obviously textually gay. send tweet #the older i get the more i think about lesbian or bi lucille and the happier i am about it #desire sublimated through her brother?? thinking thoughts

bc like. headcanoning/interpreting now. this internal sense of "any attachment, any attraction I have to someone authentically is Bad and Condemned; any socially-sanctioned attraction or relationship model feels lacking at best, coercive at worst". everything she wants in any format just gets tossed in the same bucket of "I'm sick and wrong and Not Allowed To Do That"; they’re all functionally, emotionally equivalent on some level. they can only be expressed in the context of other morally-reprehensible actions. violence and care as two sides of the same coin.

do her feelings for the women her brother marries come before or after the selection, the marriage, the poisoning? yes. in their tying themselves to Thomas, they become owned by Lucille as well, a part of her the same way he is by transitive property. the idea of being in A Relationship herself (properly, with a man of course, that’s what that means) is just another box of someone else controlling and hurting her; while having that connection with another woman is. epistemically closed off, sealed away in the same decrepit rooms as everything else - and so those feelings and actions all become entangled together, because they can’t exist in a dialogue with anything else but one another.

I end up thinking about the “monstrous love” line, right? and two different kinds of intimacy where neither is really quite getting at what she wants, but both are transgressive. attraction and affection and enmeshment and murder and the house all in one big emotional soup of hiding and secret-keeping and putting on one appearance out in the world to cover for something that feels vital to who she (& Thomas) are as people that would otherwise ruin her.