#I'm playing the narrator this year finally ahah

[docholligay]

Hot Sexy Free Purim Spiel

Hey y’all on tumblr who are Jews and Jew-adjacent

A few years ago, I took over the Purim stuff for my congregation, and I actually wrote my own spiel. I wasn’t happy with the free stuff they were pulling of the internet.

To that end, I was thinking today: Why do I not offer this up, as a free spiel?

So: If you want a copy of this spiel for your congregation, just hit me up in my ask box with your email address (remember it’s gotta be in hiimjewish AT jewmail DOT com for tumblr to let it through) and like, I dunno tell me something about yourself. I’ll get you as a reader on the google doc. Note that it’s a little light on some stage direction because I wrote this for me--I’ll be working on that and have it done at least for next year, if not this one.

My only ask is of course you not sell this, record it to be sold, etc, but I’m not concerned about that. Credit is nice but honestly I don’t care that much if Jews around the country/world know I wrote a series of Timely Jokes.

I REALLY want to hear if you use it though, because that would thrill me. Tell me people laughed, even if they didn’t.

Snippets in case the idea intrigues you:

Narrator: (In the style of a ring announcer) There are some who say he was the punishment for not putting the last Amalakite to the sword. Some say he’s the physical manifestation of the fact that anti-Semitism is always with us. And some people say, he was just a jerk. Ladies aaaaaaannnnndddddd gentlemen, the villain of tonight’s tale, HAAAAAMAAAAANNNNN! Booooo!!!

Haman enters through the back, really hamming it up, Ric Flair, Zoya the Destroyer style: *ad libbed* You love to hate me!  Oh, sad Jews, so cranky at me! Hahaha, I have the favor of the king, it doesn’t matter what you think!   

Xerxes: Haman! My beloved advisor. 

Haman: Yes, your Majesty, with shining locks and the body of a God, mellifluous voice echoing through the dreams of the people?

Xerxes: That’s what I like about you, Haman, always honest. Haman, *Throws an arm over his shoulder* Haman, we need entertainment. I’m thinking...I’m feeling something, calling in the air tonight. 

Haman:Oh lord…

Xerxes: What?

Haman: Wait thousands of years, your Majesty, you’ll get it. 

Xerxes: *Nods, swinging the wine bottle out toward the people* You know what these people would like to see tonight, Haman? 

Haman: I hear Hamilton is very big right now.

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Contestant: I’m Mariska, I’m a Capricorn, I like long walks on the gulf, baking cookies, and doing whatever my husband says. 

Xerxes: *looking over at Haman* You know, Capricorns are just so bossy. I wonder if her moon is in Leo? 

Haman: Better not to risk it. Next!

Contestant two: I’m Megan, a preschool teacher--

Haman: Ugh, a woman of EDUCATION. 

Xerxes: You’re right, I don’t want a wife smarter than me. 

Haman: Next! 

Narrator: It’s easy to have rules for yourself, down on paper, but here in the real world, things get a lot trickier, once something, or someone, is before you. 

Esther: I’m Ha--Esther, and I enjoy cartography, reading, putting those little pearls in my hair for banquets. 

Xerxes: *Standing up* That’s it. She’s the one. 

Esther: I’m a Capricorn…

Haman: Not to ever doubt your judgment your Most High and Kingly but she said she loves to read, and you know those Capricorns…

Xerxes: What are you talking about? *swig* I’ve always loved Capricorns. Young lady! *He marches up the “stage” and puts the crowd on her head* You shall be my queen, and let it be known through ALL THE LAND, that we shall have ANOTHER great party, this very night!

---

Haman: God this is Vashti all over a---UGGGHHHHH!! You scrape to me, hit the dirt, right now. Or I’ll--THE KING SAID SO!

Mordechai: I answer to God, not to you, you little pischer. I have not bowed to any man, and I don’t intend to start now. 

Haman: And who is this God? 

Mordechai: Well, isn’t that the question? Some say God is the holy in all of us. Some say God is the traditions we have put together over the years, that bind our people. Some say God is a sacred bond--

Haman: No, no, what is the THING, your people WORSHIP? 

Mordechai: This is what I was explaining. How can there be only one idea, through so many people?

Haman: RAHHHH!!!!

Mordechai, unimpressed: We’re Jews, this is how we--

Haman: Jews! Thank you, that is what I was looking for, 

Mordechai: You know, Rabbi Akiva said that…

Haman: No, no, thank you, have a nice day, I’m going to murder all of your people now, goodbye. 

Narrator: Haman had no patience for details or debates, and maybe, if he accepted any counsel but his own, his story might not have ended where it did. Or maybe it would have anyhow, men like him are usually determined to ruin themselves. But we aren’t he to talk about what he might do, in some other story, but what he did in this one.