#I'm part of the problrm

[tired-aliensoul]

Stepped on the scale today

In total, from the time I started dating Cory, I have gained 5.9kg. Over three years essentially. I'm at numbers I haven't seen for 10 years at least.

I'm not in recovery, so does this trip me out? Hell yeah. But whatever. I just keep annoying myself with these spirals of thoughts that I can't really express to anyone because no one really gets it. They don't see what I do, and that probably kills me the most.

Like I'm well aware of what I look like to others. I've always known. But it's not their comfort, is it? I spend hours working on changing what I'm saying to myself so that I don't lose again. But good God somedays I just wanna st*b myself.

Like, ugh, often times I just like to forget I have a body, and I have finally found people who don't judge me straight out on my size who are other females. I've got friends. But do I? I'm anxious. I've been left by others so many times because they compared themselves to me more so than enjoyed my company. That always hurts. I'm always afraid it's gonna happen, because it comes out of nowhere. I'm getting married and I went through all the people I used to call close friends and so many of them I thought would be here for a day like this, but they're not.

I'm tired of being judged by how I look and not being able to complain about gaining without getting "go d**" looks. I want to talk about going to the gym without being asked why I bother, and being told I don't need to go. Have you ever been toned? I don't mind a higher number on the scale if I'm toned. I can eat more if I'm working out.

I'm starting a new job in a female dominated field. All new judgment, watching what I say. It's tiring. I slept for a lot of yesterday. I miss Cory.

I'm heartbroken and frustrated. I'm tired of others having opinions on me. I'm tired of losing people I had such fond memories with. I truly fall in love with my friends, and it takes me forever to move on when they leave abruptly. It never gets easier. Anyway. Probably gonna actually cry since I haven't for a few months. If you've read this far. Sorry. It's just a pity party. But isn't that what a personal blog is for?

[just-eyris-things]

⚔️ for dear Nia 💖

@mystery-salad

Soooo I'm currently rewriting her story so it's cohesive since she takes over the Pact from HoT to the end of LWs4. Also because I think I can make it better. Man. My problrm with rewriting stuff is as big as ever.

ANYWAY!! Nia is unlike my other characters (that joined the Vigil). While others join Vigil because they want to make the world better and safer place, Nia joins the order because she doesn't want to be a part of the Shining Blade.

Nia initially works as a Seraph like her dad, but because she is special TM, she is made an offer to join the Shining Blade. However, she doesn't think that's a job for her. She knows a few people there, like Anise or my other character, Rachelle Cross (also a mesmer) and her opinion is that every Shining Blade member is sketchy as fuck (wow, Nia, judgemental much?). One does not simply say no to Anise. At that time Nia also doesn't want to work an ordinary job like bartending or standing behind a counter. So, Nia escapes to the Vigil. How different could it be from fighting centaurs, right?

Considering how she wants to have her own family one day and how she then travelled the world without a moment to take a breather - she regrets that decision.