#I'm part of the problrm

[tired-aliensoul]

Stepped on the scale today

In total, from the time I started dating Cory, I have gained 5.9kg. Over three years essentially. I'm at numbers I haven't seen for 10 years at least.

I'm not in recovery, so does this trip me out? Hell yeah. But whatever. I just keep annoying myself with these spirals of thoughts that I can't really express to anyone because no one really gets it. They don't see what I do, and that probably kills me the most.

Like I'm well aware of what I look like to others. I've always known. But it's not their comfort, is it? I spend hours working on changing what I'm saying to myself so that I don't lose again. But good God somedays I just wanna st*b myself.

Like, ugh, often times I just like to forget I have a body, and I have finally found people who don't judge me straight out on my size who are other females. I've got friends. But do I? I'm anxious. I've been left by others so many times because they compared themselves to me more so than enjoyed my company. That always hurts. I'm always afraid it's gonna happen, because it comes out of nowhere. I'm getting married and I went through all the people I used to call close friends and so many of them I thought would be here for a day like this, but they're not.

I'm tired of being judged by how I look and not being able to complain about gaining without getting "go d**" looks. I want to talk about going to the gym without being asked why I bother, and being told I don't need to go. Have you ever been toned? I don't mind a higher number on the scale if I'm toned. I can eat more if I'm working out.

I'm starting a new job in a female dominated field. All new judgment, watching what I say. It's tiring. I slept for a lot of yesterday. I miss Cory.

I'm heartbroken and frustrated. I'm tired of others having opinions on me. I'm tired of losing people I had such fond memories with. I truly fall in love with my friends, and it takes me forever to move on when they leave abruptly. It never gets easier. Anyway. Probably gonna actually cry since I haven't for a few months. If you've read this far. Sorry. It's just a pity party. But isn't that what a personal blog is for?

[saint-starflicker]

I keep wanting to write a crossover with Mysterious Skin, The Living End, and Fraternity by Andy Mientus (one of the background characters from the third one listed, named Osmon, gets expelled from his posh boarding school for being gay, then in this fanfiction gets soft-disowned by Pennsylvania parents and sent to live with extended family in Kansas who are less homophobic but also less wealthy. Eric Preston helps him get his GED while they're in Kansas because I think there'd be a State University initiative to aid high school dropouts in graduating and Eric's a part of that because he's a nice boy with telepathy and writes his own poetry) (he's not a nice boy he saw evidence of CSA and just went nnnope and like the next day was just back to normal around Neil??) (no Eric's a nice telepathic boy but THE BEST PROBLRM is Osmon accidentally makes friends with Neil too and so this chaotic hellspawn of a 19-year-old barges into Osmon's house like "Hey meet my shady new friends Luke and Jon, and the Republican senator's son or something they kidnapped and are holding hostage" and the hostage is Zach Orson from Fraternity, and Neil's like "We need a place to keep the hostage, Osmon your house is the place" and Osmon's like "Neil don't do this to me I was going to get my GED and live a straight-passing life" because Osmon's asexual he only joined the secret book-title Fraternity of demon-summoning gay boys plus one token bisexual boy at their posh boarding school, because their secret club had snacks, but headmaster Westcott called Osmon gay and then told Osmon's parents 'ur sonnn he gay' and then expelled him.) (So they all party or chill at Osmon's house and it's awkward. I really only thought all of that up because I want Zach and Neil and Brian to be in a room together and have exactly one specific cathartic conversation, and also the timelines of all three source materials match each other perfectly if this is set in the summer of 1992. unless Hutchington university never had anything to do with GED programs even on a student volunteer basis, in which case the whole thing doesn't work and I ought to put it in the bin.)

In any case I'm writing a Next to Normal fanfiction right now and I'm getting to the scene that Gabriel Goodman has an afterlife chat with Dagger from Period with Moritz Stiefel as their translator. (This version of Moritz is Deaf and also dead. No, I don't know why a 19th century Deaf dead German boy would know American Sign Language. They don't have pencils and papers in the afterlife so Dagger can't talk to Gabriel any other way.)

Broadway campiness aside, just tell me this isn't a contender for a GMC anthem if we had one:

Requests Open

Hi everybody!!! I’ve been really wanting to get more on my pondering grind. And write some more, too. I actually have a writing challenge planned for the summer. So, any headcanons or fics you would like to be written, put in my askbox and maybe I’ll get around to it!

Possible fandoms

Zero Day

Elephant

Duck!

George Miles Cycle

Mysterious Skin

Scream (1-3)