#I'm parking my ass in new york city for 6 months and you'll have to drag me out by my teeth to get me to leave

[windandwater]

back from Finland and my nightmare flight situation got really fucking funny (and awful) at the end so I’m gonna tell you the whole goddamn thing. cut to save you from Airline Stories.

I mentioned in a previous post that I had to sprint through Heathrow to get to a flight, and it wasn’t my fault. that turned out to be just the beginning but here’s what happened.

airline randomly decided to change my flight to an earlier time

I found out about this from a 3 am text that I read at 8 am on my way to work

cool I have to leave work much earlier

I do that. it was about to rain in New York so it was a good goddamn thing. no subway delays at all.

I sit at the gate for a bit. an hour before boarding, there are still zero airline employees to be found

what the fuck.

I google my flight number. it is not at the gate I’m sitting at.

great.

I walk over to the new gate, the lady there explains “it got changed.”

fine. I’m still on time.

….

the flight is not.

the rain started while I was in the airport and New York is gridlocked, and they barely had enough flight attendants to take off

I check my flight information. I have a connection in Heathrow that’s an hour after my flight and my flight is delayed…you guessed it. an hour.

I’m definitely gonna miss my connecting flight

I accept this (I am on a lot of anxiety medication) to deal with when I get there (thank you, medication!) and go to sleep (so. much. medication.)

arrive in Heathrow

announcement on the plane says that the connecting flight to Helsinki is also delayed, and to see them up front if you are getting on that flight

so I talk to them

“they’re leaving at 8:20 (it is now 7:50), so you can make it but you have to BOOK”

me: “GOT IT.” *takes off*

*accidentally knocks off a baby’s blanket. does not stop, like an asshole. yells EXCUSE ME to every British person in the way, while elbowing them, I’m from fucking New York, MOVE*

“few people runnin' about” happens

gotta go through security first

lady at the desk spins her computer monitor to show me what it says when she scans my boarding pass: “please proceed directly to gate 9”

me: “TRUST ME I FUCKING KNOW”

someone in front of me for some reason has every glass bottle in the world, doesn’t speak enough English for the security people to explain that it’s fine so long as there’s  no food or liquid in them

somehow I get through and make it to the gate

“if you had been 10 minutes later you would’ve caught us, but you’re good!”

phew.

find out later that my family had a similar yet worse experience in Frankfurt. ha.

turns out that was only the fucking beginning. because I still had to come back. here’s how that went.

day 1:

I’m supposed to fly out Saturday at 3 pm. my brother is flying out Saturday at 7 am. Friday night, we are on our way to the BnB and I double check my email.

surprise! my flight has changed. now at 7 am.

ughhhhhhhhhh

fine. I’ll just go to the airport with my brother.

we do that. Air BnB host nice enough to wake up and drive us—for a price, but a pretty good one.

they had a sauna and I had to skip out on using it (I only got to do it once) and I was pretty upset. fuck you, airline.

get to the airport at the asscrack of dawn

I check my email in the car one more time

….

wait a second

the date on this is for Sunday

fuuuuuuuuuuck

screw it, I’ll wait around until their service desk opens and have them put me on a flight

1 hour: nothing

I try and call them. on a janky phone that has issues with phone calls

customer service is closed, because Europe

call the US number

customer service is open and in English but it rings a few times and then I get a message in Icelandic and it hangs up.

….I’m never flying a Scandinavian-based airline ever a-fucking-gain.

2 hours: nothing

fuck. this.

I start googling hotels by the airport instead. check into one. get a shuttle there. room itself isn’t too expensive, but not money I really have.

oh fucking well

I pass out.

wake up, have to leave the hotel to get lunch, come back and read Yuri on Ice fanfic

oh daaamn this hotel has a sauna

tight

get smoked reindeer pasta at the hotel restaurant

go to sauna again

go back the fuck to sleep

day 2:

airport shuttle at the asscrack of dawn but this time I’ve slept all day

feeling annoyed but optimistic. this will suck but at least I’m rested.

get to the airport

once again they have changed the airline on me. this was not self-evident in the email

haul my ass to the right terminal. thank fuck there are only 2.

that last sentence is foreshadowing

in line for getting my ticket (b/c of course I can’t check in at a kiosk) and two people in front of me are going through the same shit. airline answered their phone calls tho and promised them money back

feeling more hopeful

am now flying through Amsterdam. they can’t print my connecting flight boarding pass. I will have to get it printed at the airport when I get there.

there is only an hour between the flights

I am hit with a sudden premonition of doom

but am still hopped up on anxiety medication

here we go again!

make it to Amsterdam with no drama

phone battery is dying. my external battery stopped working abruptly and there’s no charger on the smaller planes. it wouldn’t charge at the gate; was plugged in but draining. I turn it off. charges 2%.

more foreshadowing

I get off the plane and have to ask where to go to get to the correct airline. someone directs me. it’s a different terminal. I run-walk over there, knowing what’s about to happen.

passport control. spend 5 minutes panicking that I don’t have an e-passport b/c I don’t know where to look for the logo. turns out it’s on the front cover! I’m a dumbass.

get there. can’t check in/print off boarding pass

oh boy

have to wait in line for a service rep

this wait takes 35 minutes

I get to the front. my seat reservation somehow does not exist

she manages to print off my ticket. and call them to tell them I’m coming.

looks me in the eye: “you run.”

me: “I run.”

I do that.

new gate is 2 more terminals away

Amsterdam is fucking big and I have now run across 3 terminals of it.

the Dutch are better at moving out of the way than the English

I make it to the gate and people are there yelling “New York? New York!!” make it on the plane. phone won’t charge. ...... great.

no podcasts for me! I watch a Stonewall documentary, a gay rom com, and a slew of nature documentaries.

at least I’m on brand.

make it to New York in one piece. meet a nice German lady and everything.

it was hell coming back here from Greece but from Scandinavia it’s fucking amazing.

anyway

slight panic after going through passport control. I handed them my receipt, promptly forgot I did that, then got my baggage and began looking for my receipt to show to the next set of cops.

receipt was gone

ummmmmm

I empty out my entire bag

nothing

I ask the lady next to me if they kept the receipt

she says yes they did and I nearly collapse. guess there’s no next set of cops this time around. it’s different every fucking time.

she sympathizes. we have a nice chat. she has family in Helsinki and just got back from Greece and Italy.

Scandinavians are not friendly. FUCK I missed New York.

because some people will assume otherwise if i don’t say so: it was not a white lady. I really really missed New York.

I manage to make it to my subway stop with no more drama than wondering why I’m the only person on the train

I realized literally this morning that it’s almost a holiday weekend. oops.

make it to my apartment door

they installed a new front door while I was in another fucking country

(there were issues with the old one)

sign on the door says go see the super. who never answers his door, only the phone.

my phone battery is now at 10%

….

super’s not answering his phone. or the door.

7%

text and call neighbors who live near me. leave messages. try not to panic.

feel raindrops

look up

there’s a storm cloud coming in

I hear thunder

this is the point where I started laughing

I try the super’s other number

“uhhh you changed the door”
 “you were sleeping!”
 “I was in FINLAND!” 
“okay, give me a minute, I’m on my way”

5%

turn phone off

super appears. I am not soaking wet and laughing hysterically. yet. if he’d been any later it would’ve been another story

make it inside. plug in phone. it’s at 3%

answer all my family’s frantic texts, order food delivery, take a shower, go the fuck to sleep, and sleep 14 hours. felt fucking great.

go to work today because it’s 4th of July and if I don’t I’ll only be in for two days. oh well!