#I'm often afraid to post these things. saving multiple in my drafts or deleting them. (they're still in my drafts. the ones I saved)

[hollowsart]

.

I don't really speak my mind or feelings.. I don't actually have any thoughts and don't know what I feel.

I barely do anything.. I just..

exist.

I'm alive. I live.

but all I have to offer is just my existence.

I was "promised" a lot of things for my future as an adult when I was a little child. things I looked forward to, things I wanted to do, ways I wanted to live my life.

but as I got older, life and the world around me denied me those things. they renounced and revoked those "promises" and simply said that I, and everyone of my generation, did not deserve to have such a life.

I had some stuff to look forward to, to keep me going. I would draw and fantasize to get me through the days, communication was never something I was good at nor really capable of. there were things I wanted, things I enjoyed.

but now?

now all I really have.. is nothing. I have no thoughts, no feelings, a lack of understanding and comprehension. I still act so childish, often acting and speaking without fully thinking.. or not thinking at all. things often go over my head and I don't realize aspects of those things..

only thing left.. is being able to draw.

adulthood and being an adult now.. it terrifies me.

I know my own incompetence. I know my own limits and abilities.. and lack thereof. I know.. that I wouldn't be able to survive and handle such things.

I would love to try and take part in adulthood.. if only there were some way that I could without pushing myself too far.

the world isn't kind to people like me. who need some assistance. it's often denied, rejected, or often thought silly and unnecessary..

people may want to think I underestimate myself.. I feel the opposite. the vice versa to that, I feel, is true.

people often overestimate me.. makes me feel worse for how I actually am and how I know I am. I always say I want to do better and be better.. but I never know what I am doing, I never know what to say or do.. I need guidance.

I'm always trying, but it often never feels like I'm doing anything, like I'm not doing enough..

it's a struggle.

almost every day is a struggle.

the very least I can do is exist. to live.

the only one to truly know myself the best.. is me.

I wish life was better, that things were better.. maybe if they were, it'd be different. I could be happier.

we could all be happier.