#I'm not rly scared of spending money I have saved up for this but I don't want to waste sm money on the WRONG thing

[kijagf]

paralysed at the idea of making a big purchase

[mistergoddess]

the way i'm going to be absolutely fucked by bills on the 1st ^_^ rent n utilities n student loan payment all the usual stuff but then also... car insurance renewing and i have... hrt check in appointment on the 1st as well... and no health insurance rn bc unemployed so ummmmm no clue how that's gonna go out of pocket, i'm def gonna call this week and see what my options are and like if it's possible to just get it refilled without going in but pprrrrooobbably not so i'll also ask like for a quote for how much itll be and if there's any idfk financial help i can get or like sliding scale? probably nnnoootttttt bc its fancy private clinic, which was great when i had insurance! but now is like oh fuck oh shit! but worth trying to ask what they can do auuhhhh... but im looking at like upwards of $1200 in bills all hitting on one day lmfao fmsbl

AAAAND im injured so job hunt/working rn is sketchy and need gas and need to refill my t before the end of the month which is gonna be expensive now out of pocket and groceries are stupid fucking expensive bc im Not Good About Food and have Special Needs when it comes to food which makes it rly expensive and it's so exhausting to be like wow i could really like save money on food AND be healthier and have more energy if my mental issues didn't make my ability to eat different things and cook like fucking. nonexistent so i spend so much just eating like my Autism And Depression Wombo Combo Safe Foods i.e. instant food like ramen and frozen dinners and tuna/chicken salad and sandwiches and snacks which isn't good for me or nutritious and sustainable anyway.

it's so fucking hard i don't think of myself as struggling financially bc i'm crazy good with my money... usually... and always work it out and keep my savings up when i need to to keep a big safety net under me for just this kind of stuff since it's so hard to hold a job and i take a long time between jobs so i can't afford to let my savings dip to where i'd be absolutely stranded between jobs and can breathe a little. but then i get here and i'm like yeah it isn't good huh like money is indeed an issue isn't it. and then i don't think of myself as disabled and it's like yeah well clearly i struggle with stable employment and i struggle with the food thing. and my issues make it hard for me to work out stuff like negotiating and accessing healthcare in ways that are more manageable and affordable, like i know trying to call my gyno this week about the hrt checkin is going to be a disaster and i'm not gonna be able to ask the right questions or know how to ask for what i need and just get discouraged and scared.

like i DO have special needs and am at a disadvantage to ppl who can cope better and are higher functioning. but i don't. idk. allow myself? that? it's so fucking exhausting bc idk people have it far far worse and far harder than i do and i am functional to a degree but those weak spots and the inconsistency just mean. i'm disabled but not disabled enough to like treat myself kindly over it and not disabled enough to feel like i deserve to ask for help because i can take care of myself sometimes but the times i can't are really scary and stressful

i feel like. i'm constantly balancing on a fucking tightrope. or sliding down a hill and barely clinging to the side and desperately trying to climb back up a few feet before the next wave of the avalanche hits. and the fact that i CAN climb up and gain some ground a little makes me feel like. well i'm not really doing as bad as the people at the bottom of the fucking ravine who actually deserve to be rescued so i should just get over myself and why am i even here and why can't i just toughen up and get over it and climb all the way up. and i feel so fucking guilty like ok also why aren't i helping the people at the bottom of the ravine. if i can afford to keep some savings under me for times like this and emergencies then i'm just hoarding money and not doing enough for people who don't have that luxury like. i'm a bad person for looking out for myself first and not distributing what i have. idk.

and i know these are all really common anxieties and stresses and feelings of shame and guilt and self depreciation and self sabotage amongst ppl who have variable or mixed needs and like the fucking impostor syndrome that comes with it... which helps me feel less alone but i feel really alone too and i am quite alone, i have 2 really key players in my support network who i'm endlessly grateful for but i don't have anyone taking care of me but me and it's exhausting just. staying afloat. but i don't see myself as worthy of that exhaustion. i don't have anyone i can rely on just for like. idk. sympathy and comfort and distraction bc i don't have any irl friends and i don't have a social life so it's just me like. either going to work and struggling a bit to maintain that or being unemployed and struggling really hard to gain ground again and get back to stable. i don't have a lot of joy or wonder or exploration or experiences in my life because it's hard enough just to exist and not spiral and lose everything i'm constantly working so hard for and not spiral and start wanting to kill myself.

[glamrockmonarch]

ok official request for u to tell us all the history or timeline u have in ur head of what goes down w current bri n rog that leaves them single like I'd rly like to kno what happened to sarina n anita n how the taylors n May's react to their dads having young new wives or gfs n them having kids (I'm sorry I dont mean to hound) but mostly about sarina n anita I'd be fascinated by what storyline u have about what happens to them,, I lov ur work btw adore ur blog take ur time tho tysm 4 ur work!!!

Alright, so I have already done this for Roger and for Brian with their respective so’s.

But since you wanna know about their families I will do it again and it might be a bit different (cause I want to make it that way): 

ROGER: 

You getting together with Rog was a big deal only in your heads, Roger was concerned because he had ended things with Sarina after meeting you and it was no secret among his children that you two had great chemistry - Lola went as far as to point out to her sisters and brothers that you did not even need money or attention, so your relationship with their father could not be something out of interest. 

When you and Roger finally happened it was a bit chaotic, you had not intended on going fast with him, the two of you tried to keep things on the down low and you would never be each other’s date at events - even if you were attending the same party. It was difficult for you to let people know you were together because of the age gap and the fact that Roger did divorce his wife because of you - Sarina was not happy to be pushed away by a man she trusted and loved so much, although since they did not have children together it was somewhat an easier separation for the drummer from his previous ones. For his children, it was too, even though the British press had the time of their lives destroying you on the regular, Roger’s kids were supportive of their father no matter what. Which meant that they had your back.

It was great having this kind of support, and since you worked on PR you would always lend them a hand where needed, of course, Roger loved to see how you had a more normal job and still remained relatable to his kids. Especially helping out Rufus and Lily with their social media accounts. 

It took you about three months to be living together and after that only a year to be married. Undoubtedly, you were going at quite fast, not wanting to spend any time, you got to know each other to perfection, Roger taught you about cars and music, he challenged you intellectually, which most people would not know: he was well informed of the political issues worldwide and you sometimes found yourself having arguments about something you read on the newspaper earlier. 

Having children was not exactly on the plans, you did not intend on getting pregnant during your second year together...this scared you as much as telling his children about the relationship had scared you before, with the difference that now Roger seemed to go pale at the sound of the words that came out of your mouth. 

“Pregnant!” Roger’s eyes were blown wide as he stared at you, half-hoping it was a joke. 

“Due in March, love!” You tried to give him an honest smile, but it did not reach the corners of your eyes as it should have. 

The thing was, this baby was not planned...still, Roger was not mad, how could he be? You were young, smart and gorgeous! But most of all, you were scared - he could tell. Roger was scared too, but at least he had already taken care of his other children, he knew how to do to at least half-ass the parenthood thing. You did not. Then came the topic of the press. God, they would judge him so badly for having a child at his age... and what about his grown-up children? 

Rufus was pissed. Not pissed at you, he was simply mad knowing that Roger told him last. The first to hear the news was Rory because Roger needed to vent to someone, this happened to be his eldest daughter, who listened and then shot her father back with a simple “so what?” She showed her father support and comfort, encouraging him by telling him what a great father he had always been, even through his separations all of his children always knew that things would be alright because Roger remained close to all of them, never leaving them and never turning his back on them. Rog felt a lot better, which translated into you feeling a lot less scared since your husband was so positive and supportive. When you decided on telling his children about your pregnancy half of them already knew, and they were all happy for their father, enthused by the thought of a new family member to have fun with in the future. 

BRIAN:

THE WORLD WAS COMING TO AN END THE DAY BRIAN AND ANITA SPLIT UP. Anita was simply not into Brian’s self-doubt, she was old, yeah...but she was also so full of energy! She just wanted to keep performing and her husband obviously craved for his wife to be home with him when the days were rough and the nights rough. So, yeah...Brian was left single again. And the man does not know how to be alone, he is bad at it. He needs someone to rely on, someone to share his busy thoughts with and someone to listen to when he is being too stubborn to make sense of anything but his own patronizing ideas. 

Lucky for Brian, you were in town. You met at the studio while he was working on the guitar version of 20th Century Fox Fanfare, he was on the studio for not too long but while he was there you were told to remain in the mixing booth in case the musician needed anything. Of course, working the job of an assistant was not what you intended for when you took the internship at Universal Music, but it paid some money you needed and it also got you a chance at learning a little bit more about music production. 

Brian was a gentle giant, you learnt that first time you met, and while you did not expect much more than that first time meeting you were pleased to see him again after the highly publicized separation from his wife. You did not intend on being flirty, though Brian was no twelve-year-old boy and he caught on to your hair flipping and nervous laughter. He took his chance as he saw it approach with every step he took towards the exit door at Universal, and you were pleased to hear him say he would love to have you drink tea with him sometime. The rest was history. 

You became an item, although not too fast as Roger had done with his girlfriend... no, no, no. You went at it slow and methodically, as one would do when one follows the scientific method. 

Observation. You were possibly opposites in many areas, personality wise the two of you got along, curious and creative, you hated to be proved wrong but loved to hear good reasoning. You had scientific training too, but you pursued a different career path than originally intended. With a degree in Chemistry, you were a good rival to Brian’s rhetoric. 

Hypothesis. Brian was falling in love with you at the same exact rate you were falling for him, even as you probably should not you would always try to follow him in his adventures into the farms when he worked on his environmental projects. Saving badgers was nothing that concerned you too badly, but you took interest in it after watching Brian and Anne take care of a couple of them. Animals seemed to become something you loved. 

Experiment. Telling his children about you. Uh...that was one of the ugliest diners you have ever attended. There was yelling, there was crying and sadly some of it came from you too. His daughters were not having it when you told them about your relationship, and it got worse when Ruth saw the ring already lying on your finger. 

Things were tense with his children for the whole of six months while you planned your wedding, the only moment when it softened was after the actual event when it was more than clear to everyone around that your and Brian were meant to be, each of you giving equally dorky and adorable speeches at the beginning of the reception.

It was also hard for Brian’s kids to come to grips with the fact that they were going to have a little half-brother or sister soon once you announced your pregnancy plans to them. Brian was aware that you wanted children from the moment you got together, and who was he to keep you from having them? Of course, compromises were made and you agreed on having a single baby together was only for the best. Ruth, Jimmy, and Louisa were reluctant to accept this new addition to their family, but once your baby boy was born, the storm seemed to clear off. The May children were astounded at the sight of the little man, all of them looking incredulous as the baby shared a huge resemblance to Brian - therefore to them. 

“Is that a curl?” Ruth wondered, glancing down at her own curls while Brian laughed. 

Of course, the boy had the darkest scarce hair on his head, but there did seem to be some waves already twisting whatever few hairs there were...

[florencicle]

rant ab love slash my ex

so . for those who r unaware i broke up with my long time on and off ex (we were super toxic and on and off for two years) four weeks ago

today she finally blocked me.

i thought i was over it? bcuz i had mentally checked out from the relationship months ago. like i was like yeah i'm completely ready to move on and i still am . i want to find someone who's so much better and treats me the way i should be treated and not like some thing that'll always be there so it doesn't matter how i'm treated bcuz i'm just gonna be there. i wanna matter to someone and i am completely ready to start anew and find someone new like i have a crush for gods sake.!!

i haven't genuinlet felt or had a crush in two whole fucking years. i was always stuck on her it was always her i sacrificed so much of my senior year for her i passed up on dates bcuz of her i was convinced it would always be her and i wouldn't ever. having a crush feels great i haven't felt like i actually liked someone in such a long time and they're genuinely suchba good person they're so perfect and i'm so scared i'm going to hurt them because i'm a terrible person and i always end up fuckinf things up. and i don't want them to think i'm using them to get over my ex bcuz god i'm not i genuinlet do like them i just. am afraid of being vulnerable to someone new .

she instilled in me worthlessness kind of. i felt like j nobdoy but her would ever love me or appreciate me in all of my fucked up ways . we had our good times and i'll never fault her for when she was good to me but god. she's fucked me up and the way i view relationships so fucking badly.it's like the one mitski lyric "it's been you and me since before i was me" i've changed so much in the last two tears and i've done so much fucked up shit and she was by my side for all of it and i feel like nobody's ever truly gonna understand me or love me the way she did even if it was all in her own fucked up little way.

she was my first love she was it for me. i was one hundred percent convinced we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and that it was going to be just us two.

i sacrificed sm for her. so much money and so much free time. lost friends over her bcuz i wouldn't listen when they told me she wasn't right for me. i started my job five months ago so i could save up enough to go visit her.

her blocking me kinda. cemented. to me that we were done for good this time. and i broke up with her and it just kinda. sucks. i am left in the dark . just me and myself. trying to figure out who i am without her because it's always been me and her and her and me. she was my fp and my bpd was so codependent on her i couldn't function some days without her.

i guess in my mind it kinda just. stuck there that this was another one of her little ghosting episodes where she wouldn't talk to me for weeks but she never ever blocked me. now it's real. and it's real that it's just me. florence. not florence and her. just florence. and i don't know quite how to deal with that . i'm gonna have to learn to be by myself or to be vulnerable enough to let someone in to love me the way i deserve to be loved and that rly kinda scares me.

this all started bcuz i was watching a insta reel and i was like omg she would love this and i wrnt to instinctively send it to her and i realized her insta was gone and then i checked and i was blocked. checked i message. it was green. blocked on discord. and it fucking sucks there r things i'm going to have to avoid bcuz of her for a while. and that sucks. i'm not ever going to be able to truly love my favorite mitski song bcuz it reminded me of them. or ever fully enjoy a batman movie again bcuz they loved batman. or a lot of my favorite songs in general. never going to be able to listen to cavetown the same way or watch an episode of community. never gonna enjoy saiki k again. like. that rly sucks. i love a lot of these things n it's so greggrgrgr

i dunno. i'm scared to put myself out there bcuz i'm afraid no one will ever love me with all of my fucked up shit. and i'm scared that if i do it'll just be another her situation. i've never truly had a healthy relationship n that in itself terrifies bcuz what if i'm so fucked up in the brain that the first healthy relationship i get into i ruin bcuz i can't fathom truly being loved?

i don't know. im just very belgh. i don't miss her. not one bit. god now that i'm out of it it was terrible. i just miss what we were before we fucked each other up. and i'm scared to continue fucking people up because i'm unlovable .