#I'm not masc enough in other areas for it to work for me right now

[vimbry-moved]

I've developed this recurring theme in my dreams the past couple months where I'll catch my reflection and see my hair's kinda long, like neck length. and I'm like oh god when did it get so long!! I don't like that, I have to do something!! and then I wake up and go oh nvm it's still short. didn't know it bothered me that much 😭

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

im having terrible gender dysphoria recently, i feel like I'll never be enough of a man and i will have to die and be born again to be enough ever. Until now i was coping so well but im getting older and i see every single man being more of a man than I am and im trying so hard and i am never enough no matter what i do and and i really want to be masculine to see myself more masc and want people to see me as a man but there's always that message that goes like "we don't want you dead but you will never be a real man you will always be this other disgusting third thing" and i, i don't know, i haven't been able to start testosterone yet and sometimes feel it's my fault because i haven't tried hard enough and, i wish i could control this until i learn to make this better, how can I cope with gender dysphoria, internalised transphobia and simple everyday transphobia ? i know it's a difficult question, sorry for this, i hope you are doing good and im very sorry for this question

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with all of this. I can only imagine what it must be like. Unfortunately I don't think I am the right person to help you though. I'm cis and cannot personally relate to this experience. But maybe one of the other mods would like to add something.

All I can say is that I think you would probably benefit from contacting some resources specifically for trans people and/or some local queer support group that can give you advice on how to get the specific help and treatment that you might want in your area. The process of going on HRT and of medical transition or changing gender markers on legal documents is very so different depending on where you live so the best would be to ask someone local who has experience with it.

All I can say is that I'm pretty sure things will get better. It might seem very overwhelming but if you keep working on this and don't shy away from asking people for help then you can get to a place where you are more at peace with yourself and accept yourself.

Maddie

[nonbinaryresource]

Going on 6 years, I don't know whether I'm NB, trans masc, trans man, or genderfluid. I'm already taking low dosages of T and considering top surgery someday. But since only male/female is acceptable on legal ID, they think I'm not trans enough for legal change, because I keep flipping around between wanting no gender and male or preferring no gender but will accept male as second choice etc despite in each case 100% rejection of female is always present. Help??

I’m sorry; I’m not positive on what you’re asking for help, so if I don’t touch on the right thing here, please come back let me know I was off base!

What does your gender marker on your legal ID mean to you? How much does this come up? Do you have any other people or things to do in your life that validate your gender? What is your vision for how changing your gender on your ID will impact your life?

As I see it, you have three options. None of them are great, but they do leave you with options:

1) Let go of changing your gender marker and focus on other things in your life. Changing your gender on your ID can be a BIG thing. Besides emotionally, changing your gender marker can be a big, lengthy, involved, very resistant (full of anti-trans sentiments and road blocks) legal process. Many trans people struggle to get their gender marker actually changed, even ones who’ve gone through years of medical transitions, including surgical transitioning. So, a lot of trans people live with the incorrect marker on their ID. Sometimes this can even put them in a really tough spot when they have to present their ID. It sounds like so far you’re in a place where you’ve still been able to pursue the transition steps you need (like hrt) even without this change, so not everything hinges on this ID, at least. It sucks, but if you’re not even in a place where there’s any other option than M/F and you’re struggling to get that M marker... work on some mindfulness, practice validation elsewhere, and focus more on your personal journey than your legal one for now. Get involved in whatever trans/queer community exists where you are. Pick up a new skill. Start a new hobby. Make time to volunteer regularly. Make space for some good, positive things in your life and focus on those for a while.

2) Keep the questioning/fluid part of your gender close to the vest. In public and to your doctor(s), start on a path where you are a trans man, and you know you’re a trans man. Settle in to present this to the world long-term for now. You’re playing a long game in order to get your gender marker changed, after which you can think about revealing the questioning/fluid part of your gender again. We absolutely shouldn’t have to, but if we have to lie in order to get the healthcare/benefits/legal status we need, then that’s what we have to do.

3) Research areas where it’s easier to legally change your gender on your ID. Make a plan for what you need to move, what sort of timeline is reasonable, and how you’re going to reach the place you need to be in order to be able to move. Then start the plan. Save up money, research the job market, do some poking around and see if you know anybody in that area. Maybe plan a trip or two to that area to check it out and see if you could imagine yourself living there for a while. Then you’ll have a solid plan on track to get to a place where you can change your gender marker.

As for your personal journey and finding a good label, it sounds like you’re doing everything correctly. You’re letting yourself think about it, you’re trying out different labels, you’re just letting yourself be you. If you want and haven’t heard of them yet, I’d suggest looking into genderfaun, bxy, libramasculine, xoy, cenrell, hydrangeaflux, mascgender/mascfluid, marfluid, agenderflux, boyflux and demiagender/demiboy (generally in order of what reminded me of you most -> least).

Good luck whatever you decide and whatever you pursue!

~Tera