#I'm making $20 an hour right now and it feels impossible to keep up three or so payments if I miss. day or two per check

[foxgirlmoth]

You ever just get hit hard as hell that you've felt trapped in your place of residence for years and years and you're just so tired from working the most shit jobs for a decade you just wanna scream.

[pellaaearien]

20 Questions for fic writers

@five-and-dimes, @signiorbenedickofpadua, AND @cuubism all tagged me in this, and when three of your favourite writers ask you to do a thing, you do it. SO! Here goes.

How many works do you have on Ao3?

A nice round 25 😊

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

540, 538. I should update my portfolio.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Sandman, right now. Technically I still write for Doctor Who and maybe Lucifer but frankly it's all I can do to manage one fic right now, so.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

They're mostly Lucifer fics, I'm surprised. I thought AWFA would have passed them by now. The Devil You Know (1955), 100 Ways (1696), What Dreams May Come (1626), White Days (1533) and rounding it out with Doctor Who, Fool Me Once (1474). I'm kinda proud of that last one.

5. Do you respond to comments?

Usually, yes. I try to.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really write angsty endings tbh. Not my jam. Probably a toss up between the ending of The World is Unraveling, because it ends on a cliffhanger, and maybe Out of the Cold, because it ends ambiguously, but nothing I'd characterize as angsty.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mean, the rest are all definitely happy, enough that I have trouble picking just one. The first one I thought of, though, is To Hell and Back, because it ends with a wedding.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully not. The worst I get are vague comments about "I wish you hadn't written it like this" which are hurtful, but I ignore.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

The ace kind. In that, I've been told that my smut reads like it was written by an ace person (it was a compliment).

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I write crossovers very rarely, because I find they tend to stray crackier than I intend. However, I am pretty proud of the Doctor Who/Lucifer crossover I wrote based on the Impossible Planet episode. (Mistaken Identity)

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I don't think so. I've had people write their own version of my fic? Which was flattering, but also made me feel kind of odd.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware of. That would be really cool.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not really, no, unless bouncing ideas off a discord counts.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I don't have one. I get REALLY into one ship in the moment, and then I move on to the next, which doesn't mean that I love the previous ships any less, or that I love the current ship more, it's just what happens to be bouncing around my brain at any given time.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Can I answer 'all of them'? Truthfully I think Locum Tenens has to take that spot, I started posting it with the notion that getting traction on it would make me want to continue, but the idea of writing what I have planned for it is SUCH a daunting prospect. I never say never but that fic will be a LOT of work.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Character. I'm good at keeping voice consistent, at getting into a character's head and really understanding how and why they would react a certain way. I'm also really good at making connections, at drawing on things from canon to use in a new light.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I am SLOW. I only put something down if it's what I really want to say, and I edit as I go, so my pace usually hovers around the hundreds of words per hour. I also think I'm bad at writing emotional scenes, but in this I compare myself to others, and I know that's a false dichotomy, because obviously my writing isn't going to affect me emotionally the same as someone else's. I just feel like I consistently fall short of the ideal in my head, but I guess that's common to all writers for the most part.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Awkward, generally. As a linguist, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't get everything absolutely perfect, and it's hard for me to justify including whole lines in a different language in a fic written in English. That's not to say I've never done it, but most of the time if I want to use other languages I'll just pepper in a few words here and there.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I'm going to draw a distinction here. The first fandom I wrote for, where I was on tumblr and engaged in actual fandom stuff, was Doctor Who. My first published fic on Ao3 was for Dragon Age (Skyhold Slept), and my first fic I ever wrote (published nowhere, I was twelve) was for LotR, but I did not, and still don't, consider myself a part of their respective fandoms. Maybe that's a silly distinction, but I consider immersing myself in and engaging with other fans and content an integral part of how I write now, when it hasn't been, historically.

20. Favourite fic you've written?

That's like asking me to choose between my children. I'm going to cop out and say every fic is my favourite while I'm writing it, so it's Another Word For Ache. Sorry I don't have a more interesting answer to round this off.

Aaaaand I feel like a lot of people have been tagged, so how about @themirokai, @delta-pavonis, @thewollfgang, @moorishflower, @eidetictelekinetic and anyone else who wants to play!

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 2

I'm waiting for the metro that'll take me to see my uni best friend. A voice on the speaker said they were going to read a few verses of poetry. The voice was very sweet and the poem about being in a maze and not searching for a way out. I hope I hear it again because I'd love to be able to write down more of what it said.

I have no idea how I'm going to tell my best friend that I'm dropping out. We're spending the evening together, and I can either tell them as soon as I see them, or while we're having dinner, or only at the very end of the evening when we're parting ways. I'm afraid if I tell them straight up, it'll ruin the evening for the both of us, but if I don't get it off my chest ASAP, I fear I'll be anxious the entire evening and won't get to enjoy myself at all. We'll see. But I don't want them to ask me questions like "have you revised for the test" and having to lie to that, and only tell them the truth later on.

Since I made the decision to drop out, I've felt three different emotions: 1) relief 2) guilt 3) sadness. Today I've been feeling very sad, maybe a little lost too (and for the past 10 minutes, probably a bit angry because the metro is packed and parisians are really slow and someone accidentally stepped on my feet, but that's another story).

I haven't fully grasped why I feel sad yet, but I think it might be because I've dreamed and fantasized about this moment for so long that I subconciously convinced myself I would heal immediately (not true obviously). I think I may still feel guilt about resting, like I don't actually deserve it. I don't know. All of this is a lot of process. I'll keep updating this blog!

UPDATE 4 AND A HALF HOURS LATER:

The announcement to my uni best friend went kind of wrong, which didn't help with the fact I was already feeling like utter shit. I didn't tell them right away, I waited until we were sat at the restaurant but hadn't ordered yet. They reacted very calmly but I could feel they were disappointed. They tried to make me change my mind but quickly enough they understood that was impossible. They told me all the things that could go wrong with my plan (not being able to find a job, not healing, hating my new studies and not being able to keep up...) and no matter how many times I said this was a life or death situation for me, they didn't seem to understand the gravity of it all. I'd say the first 20 minutes of our dinner were really tense, but then we were able to mostly change the subject and things felt a little more like they usually do.

But looking back on the entire evening now, I think that, mostly, they're angry at me for "leaving them behind", which really puts me in a Nick-Nelson-in-Volume-5-and-in-the-Nick-and-Charlie-novella type of situation. And this just puts me down even more because on top of having to bear the guilt of dropping out and the fear of the unknown and all the sadness that I ended up in this situation, I also have to deal with the knowledge I'm probably hurting someone I love and care about. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but I think they're just afraid me leaving uni means I'm giving up on our relationship, when really I am NOT. I think I could see their anger through all their tiny "mean" jokes that they never usually do, like telling me I'm "boring" out of nowhere. It's so obvious to me that we'll remain friends... and it seems like it isn't to them. I hope that just like Nick and Charlie, our relationship survives this, and that eventually, I gain their full support. We're mature enough to talk. If they won't tell me what's on their mind and heart, I will. But right now, I'm saddened by their reaction and it just makes me want to distance myself, which is the opposite of what I intended to do in the first place. I want to believe fighting for our relationship is worth it.

Also, someone I was really hoping to get encouragement from regarding me dropping out didn't reply to my message although I saw they've been online... they might have just missed my message, or I don't know. I think that would have cheered me up a little.

Now I still need to tell my grandparents, my other uni friends, and my Chinese teacher whom I loved very much. That's for another day though. I'm so mentally exhausted from today.

Bye for now xx

"I think that I love you but it's hard

Just to be around you

Don't hate me, but you're not

Don't hate me, but you're not what I thought you was

Don't hate me, but you're not

Don't hate me, but you're not what I thought you was

You said that I'm really fucking boring

Well that's rich coming from you

'Cause when you rain you're fucking pourin'

I can't win, I can't lose

And it's cool if you don' wanna hang and get loose"

[polyamorousmisanthrope]

📷I took five minutes to vacuum my closet the other day. It was part of my routine cleaning, no big deal. It was just a quick thing to check off on my cleaning list. I removed some boxes of stuff in the bottom, a few pairs of slippers, and vacuumed. I replaced the stuff and went on with my---

No. I didn't.

No, I looked at the bottom of the closet in a state of shock and burst out laughing.

I have spent a large portion of my life trying to get organized. When I was a child, "cleaning my room" really did mean tossing everything I could think of where to put it in a closet so that it looked tidy when Mom poked her head in. I was the child with the cubby under the desk in grade school so stuffed with papers and junk that it was simply impossible to add or find anything.

This level of disorganization bothered and embarrassed me. It really hurt and made me feel like a failure.

As a teenager, my backpack also became a mess of papers, random items, books, and paraphernalia (no, not that kind. In many ways, I was hopelessly square)

As an adult, it wasn't much better. My desk was full of bills to be paid, papers I didn't want to face, things that were vaguely sentimental but not enough to display anywhere. My closet?

That was still the place where I hid stuff I didn't have a place for but wanted the room at least to appear a little tidy.

How long from a stuffed closet to a tidy closet?

It took about thirty years.

I wasted a lot of that time, though. I addressed it in cycles. "Starting now, I'm finally going to get organized!" I'd spend several hours a day over a few weeks cleaning, organizing, and playing possessions Tetris with my home. After a month or so, know what? The house would look great!

Then, inevitably, the house would no longer look great. I'd clean the kitchen well enough to prevent food poisoning, but more than that? Not so much.

Ever done that? C'mon, it's okay. We all have.

Being tidy over time is all about consistent action.

You can, indeed, get the house clean with heroic effort, just as you can work really hard to train for an athletic event.

The problem comes in when you do something intense for a short period. As I mentioned in my last post, heroic effort is unsustainable.

Several of my favorite housekeeping systems (Flylady and Unfuck Your Habitat) talk about starting very small – shining your sink or making your bed. They are so right!

It's not about getting tidied or organized quickly. It's about developing consistent habits. For a lot of people, that's enough.

But for some…

Executive dysfunction can interfere with consistency.

If you have organizational or distraction issues, habits may not be enough. Autism, ADHD, and a host of other neurodivergent issues centered around executive dysfunction make it hard to do things that seem pretty obvious to the neurotypical person. What? You need to wash the dishes after a meal? No kidding. Go do it!

As I was writing this article, I broke for dinner. Guess what is in my sink right now?

I thought about it, got up, scrubbed the pan a little, realized it needed to soak some more, and sat back down here to write. Sure, sure, I'll get to it after I finish this, no biggie. But if my sink was full of dishes other than that pan, if I had laundry on my sofa, a desk drawer full of unaddressed bills, and my phone beeping that I needed to get up and get my car to the garage to get the brakes done, would I be getting back to that pan in any reasonable amount of time?

*Hollow laugh*

People with executive dysfunction issues can find their problems painful.

Maybe some people laugh and think it's cute to be disorganized. It never felt cute to me. It hurt because I had a hard time doing what I wanted to do. I was utterly desperate to get my life under control. Completely and utterly desperate from the time I was nine years old. That's a heavy load.

Jokes about executive dysfunction aren't cute.

I know the whole "squirrel!" joke about distractibility is mean to make people feel better and okay with themselves. I never wanted to be okay with chaos. I wanted the chaos to stop. It hurt. It interfered with accomplishing what I wanted to. It was exhausting. It used up time I wanted to spend on other things. I wanted a clean canvas so that when I jumped from obsession to obsession to obsession, I could feel like I was using that time intelligently rather than as a distraction from things that were bothering me.

Late fees, court cases, and lost jobs aren't cute, either.

There's an ADHD vlogger that I really like named Jessica McCabe. She's brilliant and adorable, and being a little bit of the manic pixie thing is part of her brand. It gets people to listen to broad issues of executive dysfunction. People will accept and listen to that stuff sometimes and find it palatable if someone is small and young and cute. (She's a LOT older than her looks or mannerisms would indicate, by the way).

So, the brilliant part. Quite sure McCabe knows what she's doing with that because sometimes she drops the adorable thing. The pain of being disorganized or having a hard time directing attention is very, very clear. If she weren't so cute, it would be unlikely as many people would listen to the important things she is saying. There's more to her than cute by a long shot. (And don't get me started on the sexism of it).

But that whole "cute" thing about disorganization. It's not so cute when unpaid bills land you in court. That has happened to me. With money in the BANK, that has happened to me! (Or without money. *shrugs* That, too). It's not cute when you have to buy a car at interest rates that are close to what you'd pay on a credit card. Yeah, that's happened, too. That we're in good financial shape now is a miracle.

There is a cultural narrative of *giggle* *giggle* "I'm so distractable!" to try to ameliorate the pain of being disorganized. Know what? It's not funny. It hurts.

Proscriptive solutions won't work.

I use a Bullet Journal just about with the out-of-the-box method that Ryder Carrol posted in that first video he did about it. I tried it, and it clicked.

Know what wouldn't have clicked? Someone making me do it when I was fifteen.

This is where you, if you have problems with executive dysfunction, might wonder if I can provide an answer for you. Know what? I can't.

I can say, "You need a Bullet Journal." I mean, I'll think it. I wouldn't say it. Know why? It won't necessarily work for you.

What I will say is that you need to find methods that work for you.

"Okay, smartybrat," I hear you cry, "if you can't offer a solution, what do I do?"

Create systems that support you

This is going to look different depending on how you think. Does a beepy reminder go bing! and prompt you to do stuff? Do you like to have a menu of tasks that you choose from depending on how easily they grab your attention in the moment?

What primes you to take action?

What plans have you followed through on (c'mon, you do have some if you're alive past 20), and what about them made you feel good?

My husband doesn't use a Bullet Journal. He plans his day using a calendar app. If there's an interrupt to a task, he'll move it to another free time. When you first try this, I strongly encourage you to multiply your estimation of task time by at least four until you get good at estimating how long something will take. If you have executive dysfunction issues you're struggling with, I'd bet at least a nickel that you're not good at estimating how long things take yet.

What stops you from taking action? Can you remove the interrupts?

A simple example would be to take the dirty clothes hamper's lid off if that's enough to discourage you from tossing your clothes in the hamper. Still, I'm not talking about "Tips 'n Tricks" here. I hate tips 'n tricks! They're like taking a Tylenol when you cut off your leg. You need to extrapolate that to life systems to support how you want to live.

Your system is useless until you define "good enough."

I could skip the next two or three times I need to vacuum my closet, and I wouldn't care. If I get to it every year or so, it's absolutely good enough. "Good enough" means I address my paperwork file once a week and clear it out. I don't have to do it every day unless I feel like it. "Good enough" is walking for five minutes on the hour around my living room until I get my 10,000 steps in. I don't have to walk for three miles unless I want to. "Good enough" is spreading up the bed and tossing the shams at the head. I don't have to bounce a quarter off the damn thing unless I get a wild hare to do that sometimes. Don't give yourself an image of perfection you have to attain, or you'll do nothing.

It's okay for "good enough" to change

Remember how it took thirty years to get to vacuuming a closet? There was a time when that chore wasn't on the "good enough" list, and ya know what? That's fine. Have your "good enough" be slightly, but only slightly, ahead of what you're currently doing if you want to make improvements. Incremental improvements over time, and I mean decades, are pretty dramatic when you look back.

Good enough can stay good enough

My exercise parameters have me getting in an average of 10,000 steps a day as measured over a month. That is never going to change. If the Spirit moves me, I'll do more. But I'm not going to keep raising the bar over and over and over. This is it. I'm good. I'm maintaining.

It takes decades to get your life in order. What small thing will you do today?

[ethan-bears]

Home for Christmas (Nolan Patrick x Reader)

You've resigned yourself to spending this Christmas alone. But Nolan has other plans.

Author's note: I started writing this out as a thought to send to @lindylovegang for her soft thought night tonight but I realized it needed to be a small book whole fic instead, so I decided to do this instead of editing my final paper. This is also not edited. I might edit it later. Who knows.

Warnings: light swearing, holidays, slight angst but it gets fluffy real quick, it's my first fic so it's probably not great, I'm on mobile and I can't figure out "keep reading" and I'm very sorry

Word count: absolutely no idea but good luck fam

gif credit to: bretthowden

*****

This was not how you wanted to spend your first Christmas in Philadelphia. Ideally, you wouldn't even be in Philly at all right now. You should be on a plane back home to your family and friends and the warm, familiar streets of your hometown. You should be waking up tomorrow morning in your grandma's house with the smell of warm bread surrounding you like a hug.

But no. You were trapped.

The blizzard had started to roll in earlier this morning, and you thought to yourself that it wouldn't be that bad, right? It was just some flurries. They wouldn't ground any flights, right?

Oh how wrong you wound up being.

After three hours of waiting for news in the airport terminal, followed by another hour and a half desperately trying to reschedule your flight to a time that would still work and getting nothing out of every airline representative in the building, you somehow managed to get an Uber driver crazy enough to come get you in the ocean of snow. Fighting back tears, you tried to console yourself in the backseat. At least your apartment would be warm. And you had a little tree, so it would still feel like Christmas. You'd make some soup and Skype your family, and while it wouldn't be the same as being with them, it would be better than nothing!

"Reckless optimist," you sighed as you flipped the light switch to your apartment only to be met with continued darkness. Alone in a dark, cold, apartment on Christmas Eve, snowed in with nowhere to go in a city that came nowhere close to feeling like home. Merry Christmas. Slumping against the door, you felt your hot tears break free and cascade down your face. You decided to let all the stress and frustration that had been building all day take over your body, sobbing harder than you could ever remember. Each new wave shook your body, sending you to the floor. You didn't care. It couldn't get worse, so why not act like it?

During a pause in the festivities you decided to check your phone to see if you had any messages from your dad, only to find a text you definitely didn't expect from someone who was definitely not your father.

Sir Nolan the Rosy-Faced: hey, just checking in, i know you're probably mid flight rn but just wanted to make sure you land safely when you do. Crazy storm. Text me?

Sniffing, you paused to process the message. Nolan wanted to make sure you were safe? It shouldn't really have surprised you, but the fact that he was concerned enough to text you while he thought you were still midair was...touching.

You fired a short text back explaining that the flight wasn't happening, thinking he'd respond with a simple "okay" or an "oh, sorry to hear that :(". But the next text you got (mere seconds later) surprised you again.

Sir Nolan: oh my god that sucks! Wait.....does that mean you're home alone tonight?

Me: Yeah, and the power's out, so it's suuuper cold, but idk it's fine, I'll just layer up and go to bed early I guess

Sir Nolan: are you okay?

That one hit you like a truck. No, you thought, I'm really, really not.

Me: Yeah, I'll be fine

Sir Nolan: are you sure? Cause I can come over if you want.

Any other night, you would be losing your mind at an offer like that. Ever since you had met Nolan, you'd had the biggest crush on him. All other crushes seemed like weak sauce compared to how you felt about him. But you'd cried all your energy out. The best response your heart could muster was a meek, "Sure, but don't worry if the snow's just too much."

You were met with a resounding, "Already on my way."

You decided that if you were going to be having company you should at least get up off the floor. You shuffled your way into your bedroom, habitually flicking the light switch before you remembered it was pointless. You fumbled in the dark to your desk drawer, trying to find your flashlight, and once you found it you turned it on and started changing into your warmest pajamas. Now that you weren't just a puddle of self-pity, you started to think about Nolan's sudden inviting-over of himself. You first met him during training camp when your work friend brought you along to meet up with Travis, her boyfriend. She figured that since you were new to the city and also a huge hockey fan that it couldn't hurt to introduce you to some guys on the team and help you make some friends. You weren't sure what to make of Nolan at first. He seemed so quiet and awkward that you thought your own quietness and awkwardness would make conversation impossible with such a knockout of a man. You wound up being horribly wrong, once again, but that time it was in a good way. Neither of you were really the super-outgoing party type, so whenever one or both of you started getting exhausted with the atmosphere you'd usually drift off into your own conversation in a quieter part of the room. As a result, he became a good friend incredibly fast. It seemed there was nothing you couldn't talk about with him, even though you still got nervous about certain things. Like your personal feelings for him. But that had never come up before, so you were safe. For now.

You knew he knew all about how hard the transition to Philly has been for you. How homesick you get, how you can't help but wonder if you made a mistake taking the job offer that brought you here (even though it was your dream job), and how you felt like it was hard to click with so many new people. Which was probably why he seemed so worried about you being alone tonight. He knew you felt alone most of the time anyway.

An hour and a half had gone by and you were starting to get worried about him. He only lived 20 minutes away, and even with the snow, it shouldn't take him that long unless he was stuck and just too proud to call you. It had given you time to call your mom, which you were grateful for and made you feel a lot better, but you couldn't ignore the knot in your stomach anymore. You were just about to hit "call" when you heard a knock at the door. Or more like a thump at the door.

You practically sprinted over to open it for the man-sized popsicle with his arms full of grocery bags standing on your doorstep. You paused for a second with your mouth hanging open, both amazed by the fact that he actually came over and by...him. The cold made his already pink cheeks bright red, and the snowflakes were sticking to his long eyelashes and the free locks of hair that didn't fit under his beanie. You had never seen anything more beautiful in your life.

"Can...can I come in?" Nolan's teeth chattered, snapping you back to reality.

"Oh, yeah, sorry! God, Nol, you're shivering!" you remark, ushering him through the door. Not that inside was that much warmer, but anything was better than being out there.

"It's cold," he laughs.

"Wow, AND he's meteorologist!" you quip back. "What can Nolan Patrick not do?"

Shaking his head, he made a beeline for your kitchen, looking for a place to set his bags down.

"Took me forever to find a place that was still open tonight," he muttered, pulling what looked in the dark like to-go boxes out of one of the bags. You shined your flashlight up to the ceiling to make it light the whole room as Nolan continued to pull items from his three bags. You just stood there, still dumbfounded by him.

"Pat... what's all this?" you manage to squeak out.

"This," he said, pointing to the to-go tubs, "is soup. I'm not completely sure what kind, but I figured soup would be the best thing no matter what. I didn't know if you had any crackers, so I brought some saltines. And some oranges because I knew you'd want something fruity and healthy and oranges are festive. And this," he pulled a thermos out of the second bag, "is hot chocolate. Made it myself." He grinned, sliding it towards you, obviously proud of himself. You could barely contain your own grin, feeling yourself blush. You were proud of him too.

"I saved the best for last," he continued once you took a sip of the cocoa. You frowned.

"What else could you possibly have brought?" you asked, genuinely astonished.

He looked you in the eyes and gave you a smirk. Holy hell. You were glad he probably couldn't see how pink your own cheeks were getting. The things he did to you and he didn't even know.

He carefully pulled a basket out of the last bag, and you could see it was full of a bunch of other things. You couldn't believe it.

"Nolan..." You trailed off, feeling the tears starting to well up again. Inside the basket were a bunch of little gifts with a note that read "For: y/n, From: Us". It had some of your favorite candies, one of those cheesy home-state-scented candles, a scarf with your home team's name and logo on it, and a tin of your favorite tea from a tiny local tea shop in your home town. You tried your best to fight the tears, but you weren't strong enough, rendered useless from your earlier fit.

"Nol-" You couldn't even finish your question before your own sob choked you. You set your thermos and flashlight down to bury your face in your hands.

"Hey, hey," Nolan whispered, pulling you into a hug. You wasted no time in hugging him back, squeezing him as you sobbed into his chest. "Shhhh, it's okay," he muttered to the top of your head. He slowly ran a hand up and down your back, rocking you back and forth. It only made you more emotional. He had never hugged you before, and you hadn't been hugged like this in what felt like years. You just wanted to stay there in his arms forever and ignore the world around you.

"It was a team effort," he continued. "Some of us thought you could use some things that remind you of home."

"Who...who found the tea?" you said into his chest, muffled by his sweater.

"What?" He smiled, pulling out of the hug a bit to let you speak up.

You wiped your face and took a breath. "Who found the tea?"

He pulled the rest of the way out of the hug, much to your disappointment. He leaned his head down, staring at the floor.

"That was me," he mumbled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "I remembered you mentioning it, and it was hard to work out, but they agreed to send me some." Somehow, his voice kept getting lower and lower.

You could hardly believe your ears. He remembered that? You swore you had only mentioned it once in passing after you got a really disappointing chai from a coffee place down the street. You had no idea he had been paying attention. And he went to all the trouble of getting a store with a locals-only business model to ship a product long-distance. You started to wonder if.... No, you thought, don't get your hopes up again tonight.

You stared at him for another moment, trying to soak in the situation. He seemed surprised when you went back in for another hug.

"Thank you so much!" you whisper, knowing that if you said it any louder you'd start crying again. You could feel him relax into the hug and gave him a little squeeze before you ended it.

"Soup time?"

"Soup time." Nolan nodded, practically beaming.

You sat on the couch, eating as carefully as you could in the dark, though your eyes were getting pretty adjusted. From then on, it was conversation as usual. It came so naturally with him that even when you weren't saying anything, you were still happy. You exchanged stories about your favorite Christmases, what you thought the best cookies are, and weird things your families do during the holidays for hours, barely even noticing the time or the cold.  At some point Nolan had pulled the blankets off the back of the couch and tossed them over both your laps. You didn't notice that you'd been getting closer and closer to him with every story until you laughed so hard you fell on his shoulder.

"Stop laughing!" He pouted, audibly trying to stifle his own laugh. "I almost got hypothermia. I could've died!"

"I can't...I can't!" you breathe between laughs. "You fell through the ice...but just one leg?!"

"Yeah, and I was stuck there on my side almost doing the splits between the ice and the water and my sister just stood there laughing. Just like you!" He nudged you, pretending to be annoyed. "But eventually she pulled me out and carried me back home. Couldn't move my leg for hours, it was just sticking straight out like..." He stuck his leg in the air, demonstrating, and only making you laugh harder. You could hardly breathe. You knew it probably felt funnier because of how exhausted you were, but you didn't care. Nolan had put a smile back on your face and back in your heart.

"Hey, Nolan?"

"Yeah?"

You swallowed. "I just... I'm not complaining that you're here, obviously, but... weren't you planning on spending tonight with Kevin and his family?"

"I was, but they've got each other, and someone else who's super special to me was sad and alone, which made me really sad to think about. You deserve to be happy and I wanted to help. Easiest decision I've ever made."

You really did not have it in you for another cry, so you settled for teasing him instead.

"That's really cheesy of you, softie."

"Take it while you can," he laughed.

"I know," you smiled.

Your eyes were starting to feel heavy and you let out a jaw-cracking yawn.

"Damn," Nolan remarked. You grunted in response, earning another laugh from him. "Wanna lay down?"

You nodded, leaning into his shoulder.

"You're warm," you sleepily drawl. You wanted to lay down, but you didn't want to get up to go to your bed. You wanted more snuggles, and right now you didn't care if he read into it or not.

He seemed to get the message, moving to lay down and taking you with him. He wrapped his arms around you after making sure the blankets covered you both as much as possible. You smiled contentedly, settling into your position and closing your eyes. You barely had time to contemplate how touchy he was being tonight compared to his normal reservations about hugs and touching before you were completely gone.

*****

Nolan woke up first the next morning. He was careful to move as little as possible to avoid waking you up. You looked so peaceful, curled up with your head on his chest. He felt his heart swell as you shifted to wrap your arms around his torso and fell back asleep within seconds. He smiled down at you, noticing how beautiful you were, even with your messy bedhead and your cheek squished against his chest. He wanted to stay in this moment forever. Just the two of you.

The power had come back on at some point during the night, so it was no longer freezing in the apartment, and the lights on your tiny tree had come on as well. He glanced back over to the kitchen to the basket on the counter. It had been embarrassing enough to admit to being the one who hunted down the tea like a police dog, so he left out the part about the whole gift basket being his idea in the first place. He would've bought you everything himself, but he wanted you to know that you had other friends, too, and that they wanted to show you that they were thinking of you. The scarf was Carter's idea, the candy TK's. Claude had suggested the candle, and being the local expert on how to be good to the woman he loved, Nolan took the advice and bought the candle as well. It did make him strangely jealous of your hometown in a way he couldn't quite explain. He was worried that you would be looking for any excuse to move back home, which he really didn't want. If it made you happy, then of course he'd support you, but he'd never felt for anyone the way he felt about you. The way you laugh, how passionate you get when you talk about something you care about, whether that's a person, a subject, a place, or what the best pizza topping is. He loved everything down to the way you word your sentences. He loved how much you loved.

He was awoken from his thoughts by you stirring and opening your eyes to look at him.

"Merry Christmas," you mumbled.

"Merry Christmas," he mumbled back.

You laid your head back down, enjoying the comforting rise and fall of his chest.

"You hungry? I can try and make you some breakfast. Emphasis on try," Nolan offered.

You laughed at the thought. "That'd be nice. But I don't wanna get up."

"Me neither," he sighed, tracing his thumb along your arm. He was not ready for when you suddenly shot off the couch, eyes manic and wide.

"Oh my god!" you shouted. "I didn't get you anything for Christmas! And you did all that last night!" You waved your hand at the kitchen. Nolan sat up, confused and cold, missing the weight of you on him.

"It's okay, y/n! I wasn't expecting anything."

"No, okay, I'm making you breakfast, and it's gonna be the best damn breakfast I've ever made. Lay back down," you insisted, marching off to the kitchen, wincing at the still-cold floor.

As nice as it sounded to stay under the warm blankets, Nolan didn't want to just sit there doing nothing. Suddenly he had an idea, even though it was a risky one. He decided it was a risk he needed to take eventually.

"Get out!" you playfully threatened, brandishing a spatula at him as he stepped into the kitchen. He put his hands up in mock surrender.

"I won't touch!"

"Good," you smirk, turning back to your pan.

Nolan shuffled around nervously, working up the courage to say what he wanted to. He swallowed and took a deep breath.

"I, uh...I have an idea for what you can give me. If you, uh, still want to give me something. Besides breakfast, I mean." Smooth, Patrick, he thought.

"What's that?" You met his gaze, making his stomach flip. The things you do to him and you have no idea.

"Maybe we can go out sometime? Like, just us. On purpose. To dinner or something?"

You looked like a deer caught in the headlights, making Nolan immediately second-guess himself. He bashfully broke your eye contact, focusing on the floor again. He felt the blush on his cheeks worsening.

"Are you... serious?" you ask, voice full of wonder.

"Of course I am!" he mumbled insistently. "Wouldn't ask if I wasn't."

You almost knocked him over with the force of your hug, a truly impressive feat.

"Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!!!" you laughed, not even bothering to play it cool. Nolan smiled so much it started to hurt, but he didn't care. He felt like he could take off and fly, he was so relieved. The weight of the world was replaced by the weight of you clinging to his shoulders. And he couldn't imagine a better way to spend his Christmas. Maybe, just maybe, he thought, Christmas would be like this forever from now on.

*****

You relaxed into Nolan's arms as he followed you back to the stove, hugging you from behind and resting his chin on your shoulder. Suddenly, you felt something more than the giddy high of getting asked out by your crush. You felt a sort of peace you hadn't felt since before you moved.

You were home for Christmas.

[esterphania]

Gling!Gling!Gling!

This sound keeps on resonating through the colony ,I don't know what making them ring the bell at this time of the day ,such an early hour 😔, oh no ! I know why it's been rang it's because today is the day all young mermaid are to come out for the race before hunting activities begin we do this once every month .I just want to sleep 😴 and cover my ears with the pillows but that's impossible since they are going to still check round all the house for us or wait 🤨 is the colony under attack that's why the bell is been rang so that everyone can come out to fight 😕 this makes me shoot my eyes open to start looking for where to hide as I can't fight for my self I can at least look for how to stay alive .

Am not like every other mermaid 🧜🏽‍♀️ am weak ,slow ,I can't make wave or create storms ,etcetera 🤔who even does that here Lol 😂 but still I can't do anything for my self so I should definitely hide before they get here 😰

Mummy,what about mum ,what do I do I can't go out to look for her I'll die before I make it to any where by now my head has started feeling so heavy I couldn't just get the picture of mom been killed right in front of me ,my hands started shaking I could feel the tears threatening to drop from my eyes 😑😭 why does this always have to happen to me .I have been having this anxiety attack and ptsd as well since when I was a kid ,no,no,no,I can't start thinking of this things I have to go get mum I just have to ,I tried moving but couldn't get my feet or body too as I applied more force I felt my strength dissipate and my eye lids close gradually as I accept the darkness that's comes with it .

"Ada ,Ada,Ada, wake up , wake up baby ,you need to go for the race ,darling wake up you are scaring me "I heard my mum say as I gently open my eyes to find my mum looking at me with worry written all over her face ,I could have sworn she had called my name more than 20 times before I woke up ,

"oh mum ,my sweet mum"I say as I hug her in a rush thanking the water Goddess for keeping my mum alive for me

"Ada ,...Adaobi, what's wrong baby are you okay ?." Mum says as she pulls me out of my daze

"yes mum am fine ,I couldn't be more better "I said to my mum mentally cursing my self for worrying her that much then it me ' the race 'am going to be late and that's if I aren't already late I wonder how many hours I was out for shit I cursed again .

"Ada prepare for the race you have twenty minutes to get out of this house and show them how strong you are " mum said knowing fully well that I was so impotent to do that 😓but still she has faith in me

"Alright mum I'll be down in a sec ,you really know I have to stop going since I haven't made any improvement since then "I said with a worried look on my face "but I'll be down soon never mind ,so no if you don't mind can you leave my room so I can get dress up ,thanks " I said as I gave mum a kiss on her cheeks

As soon as mum shut the door behind her I feel to the bed out of exhaustion am so tired of this stuff

FLASHBACK

The coach was asking all of the racers to a queue for more co-ordinance and here I was just staying in a corner as always . Coach is a man in his late forties ,it seems like he was well structured by the water goddess as he has a handsome face for a man his age with prominent jaws ,small pinky lips and attractive dimples many unmarried mermaids often go after him seeing as his wife passed away leaving him and his two children James and Julia martins and ever since then he has refused to get married .

Coach has always been one of the three people who have been nice to me although he shows it more privately than publicly ,according to him people find fault with what ever I do I'm and he won't want them reading meaning into what doesn't have a meaning although I don't care 🤷‍♀️ or maybe I do care but what can I do 😩.

Well as for his race I don't even know what an doing here ,this race takes place every month on the day which there is a storm ,not the very very troubling storms ,just the light ones as we are still young stars ,I always lose the race because I'm slow and can't challenge my self to do anything .All of my pair are better than me ,I'm ten years old now and am still as incapable as a three year old child I just pray he doesn't remember to call me .Just as I am liking my wounds I begin to hear my name from a distance

"Adaobi,come join them for the race "I felt like swearing at myself as I walk to join the others ,I mean who knows that the mind is powerful as well I thought it was just the tongue that's powerful what a mess 😪.i have never won this race before neither have I gotten between the 1st to 15th people who has been wining since I was five ,so I cant definitely win this. I'm just been put here to be the laughingstock of the community again so here I go as coach blows the third whistle ,the race begins and every one has started swimming they are so very fast and I'm still so slow .

The race is to go around the temple of the mermaids and back to the starting points before the time is up every time I pass there it seems like there's more to it although I can't quite figure it out but this time around as I passing the temple something begins to call me ,to draw my attention to check it out ,to open it , to be honest no one has been able to open the doors to the temple talk less of cracking. It was so real right here at the side of the temple As a noise begin to rise its tempo in my hears I recognized it as clattering sounds of plates and dishes and then cries then it starts to make me slow down making me want to pass out there then am sure there was something being said between all of this but I could hear it as I was almost out because of fear ,then before I know it all I begin to hear is run ,run Adaobi run ,of possible fast ways I could think of swimming nothing came through .I just did the only thing I could that was to swim as fast as I possible could to get out of there .

I got to the finishing point where I began seeing people again before my heartbeat subsided and I realize that everyone was looking at me which face of a WOW and question of 'what was pursuing you 'then I turned to the board to find out that I came in as the fifth person in the competition I couldn't believe it ,isn't it I who had never gotten past twenty second in the race is now the fifth .

I was over joyed ,confused but still happy 😆 because then I began to think that I had hope that I wasn't useless at all just then I took a look at my clothes and I think everyone had started seeing it too and started laughing at me.Well at the end even though I passed that day I never passed again which still means that no one recognized me as a winner that month they all still laughed at me .

FLASHBACK OVER

So now since that one time i thought I won till now that I'm eighteen years old I still haven't won at all am still the slowest amongst the set of people am competing with as my pairs have all graduated to another level of train about two years ago but I still continue going on my mother's request and yes if your asking whether the noise continues then I'll be glad to say 'NO big 'NO' but oops who knows what today will bring .

[bobasheebaby]

70 Scrubs Prompts

Yup, another prompt list. Most of these are actually light and funny, though some are a little heavier. I tried to pick ones that would work outside of a hospital setting. Again it’s super long so cutting at 15. 

1 “And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true? Just this once ... “ — John JD Dorian

2 “Look NAME, I don’t know if it’s possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. I never really believed I’d find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. NAME, I love you more than FRIEND.” “Oh my god” “It's kind of hard for me to say, but it's true.” — John JD Dorian and Elliot Reid

3 “I grew up on the street ... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.” — John JD Dorian

4 “As I looked at all the relationships around me ... Some that had gone on forever ... some that were reigniting ... and some that had just begun ... I realized something: It should have been me.” — John JD Dorian

5 “NAME, you can’t test love. When I met NAME, it seemed he/she was more in love with his/her best friend than with me.” “Honey, they’ve got that almond biscotti FRIEND loves, so I was wondering if I could borrow some money so I can get him/her some.” “No, you got him/her a present yesterday.” — Carla and Turk

6 “You’ve been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's 'NAME'.

— Perry Cox

7 “I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.” “I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.” “Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.” “OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.” — Carla and Turk

8 “So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother/sister?” “Yeah, I... well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.” “So call and change it to three.” “Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.” — Elliot Reid and John JD Dorian

9 “Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy.” — Bob Kelso

10 “Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.” — Elliot Reid

11 “I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.” — Perry Cox

12 “Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!” — Perry Cox

13 “So he/she has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.” “You should bring it in someday.” — John JD Dorian & Carla Espinosa

14 “The problem with people who only want what they can’t have is that once they have what they want, they don’t want it anymore.” — John JD Dorian

15 “I guess when you care about someone, you’ll do whatever you can to make ’em happy.” —John JD Dorian

16 “The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person” — John JD Dorian

17 “‘Cause even if it breaks your heart to be ‘just friends’, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.“ — John JD Dorian

18 “The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.” — John JD Dorian

19 “Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” — John JD Dorian

20 “Sex is only good for two things. Making babies and revenge.” — Jordan Sullivan

21 “What's going on?” “I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.” “NAME’s on the phone with his/her mom/dad/parent, so we're taking five.” — Jordan Sullivan, Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

22 “By the way, NAME’s here but I'm not going to kiss and tell.” “Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city".” “Oh really? That came through?” — JD and Elliot

23 “You're gonna love it here, sport.” “Get out while you still can.” “Uh...” “Seriously, get out while you still can.” — Bob Kelso, Ted Buckland, and Keith Dudemeister

24 “Ted, what are you doing?” “I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.” “Ted, lunch was four hours ago.” “Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.” “It's Wednesday.” “Aw, man! I missed SHOW!” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

25 “Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.” “No one male or female ever cared, NAME.” — Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

26 “Thirsty, huh?�� “Helps the tears taste less bitter.” “Cheers.” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

27 “I have to get ready man. I want my date with NAME to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?” “Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.” “Yeah but except this time with two horses.” — John JD Dorian and Turk

28 “I am wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?” “She's pregnant, she's not a bull.” — Elliot Reid and Turk

29 “This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.” — Turk

30 [She/he sees NAME holding a beer] “What are you doing? [He/she threatens to open it] “You better not open that.” [He/she opens it] “Okay, you better not drink it.” [He/she takes a sip] “All right, You better not enjoy it.” [He/she expresses enjoyment, person A bitch slaps his/her beer] “Did you just bitch slap my beer?” “Are you calling me a bitch?” “Yes. Yes, I am!” — Carla and Turk

31 “Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?” “Okay, let it out. I've got you. NAME has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.” — Turk and JD

32 person a “This plan is fool proof.” Person c “That is impossible. You two are involved.” Person c “We will see about that!” [Person a and c crash into each other as they try to walk away] — JD, Perry Cox and Turk

33 person a “I don't think we have anymore wine. NAME, can I have some of yours?” [Person C’s narration: I felt like NAME was starting to blame me for all of this.] [person b Spills his/ her wine in person c’s face) “I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some NAME’s.” [Person C Spills his/her wine on his/her crotch] “I spilled mine too.” — Carla, Turk and JD

34 “Wait NAME! I have an idea.” “You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with your ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?”  “It's a good one.” “I'm listening.” — JD and Turk

35 “He/she is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.” “Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, he/she was skinless.” — Carla and Turk

36 “How often do you make love?” “Twice today.” “Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.” “Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.” — Marston, Turk and Carla

37 “How was your first stress-free day?” “Horrible. And you?” “Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.” “Not helping with the stress.” — Carla and Turk

38 “Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.” “Oh, that's Nana.” — Turk and JD

39 “Are you nude right now?” “Yeah! How'd you know?” “Your voice is always higher when you're nude.” “That's true.” “It's not weird you know that at all.” —JD, Turk and Perry Cox

40 “You know, I actually like NAME. So, don't do that thing you always do.” “If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with NAME anymore.” [Later] “Behind your ear.” [Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear] “My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell NAME we're still playing.”— Elliot Reid, JD and Turk

41 “Dude, he/she keeps a hug schedule with his/her friends!” “Okay, NAME ... looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o' clock spot and getting penciled in for never! How does that feel? Does it sting?” Person B Narration: He's hurting! Hug him/her ... hug him/her now! — Turk and JD

42 “Dude, don't sweat it - It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.” “Thank God!” “It also says their kick can kill a man!” — Turk and JD

43 “Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.” — Elliot Reid

44 “NAME, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.” — Elliot Reid

45 “We have a very complicated past.” “Yeah, I hurt him/her, and I'm not proud.” Person B narration: I'm a little proud. — Elliot and JD

46 “NAME and I keep it superficial.” “Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!” “Oh thanks buddy!” “Sparkly.” “Yeah!” — Elliot and JD

47 “Will you tell me what NAME’s fantasy was?” “Nope.” “Did it involve chains?” “No.” “Whips?” “Mm-mm.” “Candle wax?” “No.” “Role-playing?” “No.” “Lasers?” “Mm-mm.” “Hamsters?” “Negative.” “Was he/she a Mexican apple thief?” “If only ...” — JD and Elliot

48 “Why don't you just move into my place?” “Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.” — Elliot and JD

49 “NAME, what you said before ... I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.” “NAME, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.”

— Elliot and JD

50 Person A “Ohhh, my God, you're right.” Person B “Don't let him/her be your puppet-master.” Person C “Hey!” Person B “Hey.” Person C “What's up?” Person B “I have a headache.” Person C “Take some aspirin.” Person B “Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!” — Carla, Elliot and Jake

51 “I've never connected with a guy/girl like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know NAME better than I know myself.” “What does he/she do for a living?” “I should know that.” — Elliot and Carla

52 “Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?” “Well, you...you could have just told me that.” “Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!” — Elliot and Jake

53 “I've seen the Wiggles live in concert ... twice.” “Did they perform 'Big Red Car'?” “They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.” — Perry Cox and Turk

54 “What's wrong with me?” “You're an annoying, whining man-child.” “That question wasn't directed to you!” “What question?” — JD and Perry Cox

55 “I’m notifying all my old boyfriends/girlfriends today that I'm officially off the market.” “I'm sure the 'pulse' setting on your shower head will be devastated!” — Elliot Reid and Perry Cox

56 “If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.” “I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.” — Bob Kelso and Perry Cox

57 “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man/Woman Not Caring.” [points to self] — Perry Cox

58 “If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.” — Perry Cox

59 “Should I talk slower or get a nurse that speaks fluent moron?” — Perry Cox

60 “Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?” — Perry Cox

61 [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me? — JD

62 “And you know what else? I quit!” “No you don't!” “Well I'm leaving early today!” “No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!” “Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!” “Whatever.” — Ted Buckland and Bob Kelso

63 “Your dog is creepy.” “Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.” — Elliot and JD

64 “I thought we cared about each other ...” “Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.” “Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!” “Do me right here.” “Okay.” “See!” — JD and Elliot

65 “Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!” “Oh, come on, NAME. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.” “Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.” “You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.” — Elliot and JD

66 “You know, I've been thinking a lot about us lately.” “Me too.” “God, you drive me crazy.” “Oh, you drive me crazy!” “Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking about how unbelievably lucky I am to have you in my life.” “Sometimes you're so controlling it makes me want to strangle you..” — Paul and Elliot

67 “Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.” “You know, NAME, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.” “Yeah ... never gonna happen.” — Elliot and Paul

68 “You know, it's funny... when I said "I love you," it was an accident - and I never really loved you at all.” “That is an absolute riot.” — Elliot and Paul

69 “Okay, here's what you do: First you say that, even though our relationship is ending, you don't have any regrets.” “Oh, my God! Are you actually telling me how to break up with you?” “You're right. Go ahead.” “If you could just start me off, that'd be super.” — Paul and Elliot

70 Person A “You never explained that U2 thing, did you!” Person B “You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe it's not such a bad thing that that happened! Right? I mean, things have been going really well between us, and maybe it was fate! I could've been looking at my Bel Biv Devoe CD and said, "I love Bel Biv Devoe" - which I do, by the way. And I'm not ashamed of it.” Person A and B “That girl is poison..." Person A “NAME, look, I just think that if you guys are meant to get to this point, it'll happen... naturally.” Person B “You're right! "I love U2!" Dammit! Why do I always have to say every little thing that comes into my head!? Ugh, I really wish you wouldn't stand so close to me after you take your hummus break. See! I didn't need to say that! I'm gonna tell him.” Person C “Love you!” Person B “Love you more!” Person A “Ugh!” Person B “You know what - brush your teeth, then judge me!” — Carla, Elliot and Paul

[patternsintraffic]

My 100 Favorite Albums of the 2000s: #100-#91

Hi all. As you can tell from the title of this blog post, I am about to take you off on quite a tangent. Music is in the works (both the completion of Lights & Reflections and the first full-length Harsh Lights album), but currently I find myself sitting up into the early morning hours with a newborn while my wife tries to get some uninterrupted sleep. So I am taking the opportunity to finally post this ridiculously long-winded writing project that I embarked on last year. The actual list-making and blurb-penning has been done for many months now, but I never took the time to format and post it. So here I am with some free time, getting around to finishing this undertaking!

As you may have seen, I decided to join in the fun at the turn of the decade and make a list of my favorite albums from 2010-2019. I wrote about my top 20 albums of the decade, and had a blast revisiting those records and sharing a little bit about why they are special to me. However, the most surprising part of the process for me was that choosing 20 albums to represent that ten-year period was...pretty easy? I started my career in late 2009, so the entire past decade I've been working full-time, pursuing my own music in my spare time, and more or less adulting. I've definitely listened to a ton of great albums, but it's hard to find music that truly excites you as an adult the way that it did in your formative years. The whole time I was crafting my list, I was thinking about how much more difficult (and rewarding) a task it would have been to compile a list for the previous decade, spanning 2000-2009.

So of course, not long after posting my 2010-2019 list I got to work compiling my favorite albums of the aughts. That 10-year period starts when I was 12 years old and wraps up as I was starting my post-college career. Pretty much my entire journey of musical discovery and growth occurred during those years. I had little in the way of responsibilities, and for most of the decade I ravenously consumed an absolutely enormous amount of music. Multiple hours worth on an average day. I was still buying physical CDs all throughout those years, so I really focused on each album I purchased, giving them many repeat listens and learning them intimately. And so much of what I heard was new and fresh to my ears. At 12 years old, there were so many sounds and styles of music that I had yet to encounter, and all of those first experiences and coming of age moments left lasting impressions.

Suffice to say, putting together a top 20 list of albums to represent that 10-year period was nearly impossible. I knew I would have to make a larger list to feel like I was doing justice to even a fraction of the albums that impacted me in that decade. What I eventually arrived upon after making an initial list of albums and then cutting it down quite a bit...was 100. Yes, I'm going to write about my favorite 100 albums from 2000-2009. And I'm going to have a damn good time doing it. Most of my favorite albums ever will be contained in this list, and most of them are wildly underappreciated, in my opinion. For the sake of keeping each post to a manageable length, I will be posting 10 albums at a time, starting with numbers 100-91 below. Walk with me down memory lane in countdown form, and I hope you can enjoy me waxing poetic about 100 albums that were staples of my young life. Let's get nostalgic.

100. Paris Texas - Like You Like an Arsonist (2004)

There are hundreds of albums that I could have picked to round out my list here in the final spot, but I wanted to shine a light on this poppy punk rock record from 2004. It doesn't do anything particularly groundbreaking, but it's a really fun take on the genre and it didn't get the recognition that it deserved. "Bombs Away" and the title track are absolute barnburners. What a shame that the band broke up shortly after this album was released. I remember reading a review of Like You Like an Arsonist around the time of its release that criticized it for sounding like a collection of songs that could blend seamlessly into the soundtrack of a blockbuster action movie. Looking back, I agree with the reviewer's assessment, but I see it as high praise.

99. Greenwheel - Soma Holiday (2002)

In 2002, you could throw a shoe and hit a band that sounded much like Greenwheel, a radio-ready alternative rock outfit with some heavy riffs and a throaty lead singer. But these guys stood above many of their contemporaries on Soma Holiday, their only major label release. (Their independent EP Bridges for Burning and never-released second full-length Electric Blanket both hinted at a sustainable career that didn't come to fruition.) This album had enough muscle for the rock kids ("Shelter" and "Strong") and enough sweetness for the emo kids ("Dim Halo" and "Breathe," which was later recorded and popularized by Melissa Etheridge). What could have been.

98. Sleeping at Last - Ghosts (2003)

It's been almost 10 years since Sleeping at Last became a solo project for Ryan O'Neal, releasing themed singles that make up overarching concept albums and EPs. Though the output from the current incarnation of the band is beautiful and soothing, the minimalist and orchestral style is a far cry from Ghosts, Sleeping at Last's one major label album. At the time they were a three-piece featuring guitars, bass, and drums alongside O'Neal's piano and distinct vocals. Ghosts features an uncommon blend of cinematic, ethereal, and earnest indie rock that just seemed to go deeper than its peers in 2003.

97. Taking Back Sunday - Where You Want to Be (2004)

I've never been a huge fan of Taking Back Sunday, though of course I rocked the singles from Tell All Your Friends like any self-respecting high-schooler in 2002. It was the follow-up, 2004's Where You Want to Be, that really got its claws in me after I picked it up on release week. With a killer opening trio of "Set Phasers to Stun," "Bonus Mosh Pt. II," and "A Decade Under the Influence" giving way to ballads like "New American Classic" and "...Slowdance on the Inside," this is just a great rock record.

96. Sherwood - A Different Light (2007)

A Different Light is a bright, summery, buoyant pop album full of smooth vocal harmonies, glistening guitars, and shimmering synths. Sure, the lyrical content isn't all rainbows and butterflies, but if you could capture the sound of pure positivity and optimism, it would sound a lot like this record. Between the singalong melodies, handclaps, and "whoa-oh"s, if you don't have a good time listening to A Different Light then music might not be the right medium for you.

95. Young Love - Too Young to Fight It (2007)

I'm fairly certain that Young Love, the dance-rock side project of beloved post-hardcore band Recover's frontman Dan Keyes, was not at all well-received. But for someone with no preconceived notions or attachments to Keyes' previous work, I thought this album was a hell of a lot of fun. In a world where Young Love made a mainstream impact, alternate-universe Kyle can be seen storming the dancefloor to the title track or "Discotech." Too Young to Fight It also gives us the smooth R&B of "Tell Me," the indie rock of "Take It or Leave It," and the experimental and apocalyptic "Tragedy." This is so much more than a dance album, and if it hadn't been released by a musician with strong ties to the hardcore scene it would have had a fighting chance of being recognized as such.

94. Vendetta Red - Sisters of the Red Death (2005)

Vendetta Red frontman Zach Davidson has one of the most dynamic hard rock voices I've ever heard, and Sisters of the Red Death is one of the catchiest rock records I've ever heard. Despite those facts, I have a complicated relationship with this album because of its often-horrifying lyrical content, which details acts of sexual violence and gore. That's usually a dealbreaker for me, but I won't completely write off this record since it is a concept album set in a post-apocalyptic fantasy world. Apparently female empowerment is at the core of the message, so it's not like Vendetta Red are condoning the acts that they're singing about. It's still a bit unnerving when you get the urge to sing along to one of the plethora of earworm melodies throughout this album and then realize exactly what you're singing. While I may not have the stomach for Sisters of the Red Death in 2021, I can still wholeheartedly recommend "Silhouette Serenade," which contains all of the awesomeness with none of the gross-out lyrics.

93. Ours - Distorted Lullabies (2001)

Now 20 years into his career, Ours frontman Jimmy Gnecco is surely tired of being compared to Jeff Buckley. But damn, he really does sound like Jeff Buckley. And when you're being compared to one of the all-time great voices in rock music, that's not such a bad thing. Distorted Lullabies is the first proper Ours album, and it's filled with melodic rock songs that highlight Gnecco's incredible range. As the saying goes, I could listen to Gnecco sing the phonebook (those were still around in 2001!), but put his powerful and emotive voice on dynamic rock songs like "Sometimes" and "Meet Me in the Tower"? Yes, please.

92. Armor for Sleep - What to Do When You Are Dead (2005)

This here is an emo concept album about a boy who commits suicide and his experience in the afterlife. Despite the overwrought subject matter, the songs on What to Do When You Are Dead are carefully crafted and interesting. "Car Underwater" is a scene classic, and my favorite track might be the keyboard-centric interlude "A Quick Little Flight." Armor for Sleep seemed a bit more thoughtful in their songwriting and arrangements than many of their contemporaries.

91. Cauterize - Paper Wings (2005)

The single "Something Beautiful" led me to Cauterize's 2003 major label debut So Far from Real, but upon purchasing the album I found that the rest of the tracks didn't live up to that song's high bar. Not so with the independently-released follow-up Paper Wings, which was just full of emo rock songs that I absolutely devoured in 2005. This was actually the first album that I had to order online because it wasn't sold in stores. I remember the surreal feeling of the CD showing up in the mailbox, and that first experience attached some additional meaning to Paper Wings. It doesn't hurt that it features propulsive songs like "Wake to the Sun," "Closer," and "Tremble." Cauterize later signed to another label and re-recorded most of these songs for Disguises, which rejiggered the tracklist and added a few new tunes. Even though the production might be a little better on Disguises, I always preferred the Paper Wings versions and the flow of the original tracklist. There's nothing like the first time.

[my-mystic-messenger]

RFA + V + Saeran figuring out MC is like literally a junior in high school?? That's how old I am and I'm kinda wondering how they'd act! ^^

I figure that you being a Junior equals17 years. Now this is a really interesting ask, to be honest, becausein Korea funnily enough the age of consent is 13 years. In Europewhere I am from that is pretty similar. So if you’re American some ofthese reactions might shock you. Frankly, I find American age laws tobe ridiculous most of the time. To consider someone underage by 16/17years old…

|| REQUEST ARE (ALWAYS) OPEN!! ||

Zen (23)

♬ when he found out he was extremelyashamed

♬ he choked up for a moment too

♬ he’d freaking kissed you! Twice!

♬ you’d stayed at his place

♬ you’d almost been kidnapped by alunatic because he hadn’t been faster

♬ such a young and innocent girl to gettangled up in such a mess…Zen couldn’t help but sigh

♬ he also wanted to punch himself forhinting at such lewd things in front of you

♬ you were like a young flower not evenin full bloom and he’d already tried to pick you

♬ for a while he tried to avoid you

♬ mainly because he couldn’t trusthimself not to do and say more such things

♬ despite your young age you wereextremely strong willed, determined and kind

♬ all those things made you ratherattractive in his eyes

♬ on top of that you really looked older

♬ eventually you caught on to what he wasdoing and admittedly you got a little angry

♬ oh what now? because you weren’t 20years old you weren’t good enough anymore?

♬ you assured him that sex most certainlydidn’t scare you

♬ in fact, hadn’t he had sex long beforeyou?

♬ Zen admittedly hadn’t been able toargue that one as his teen years had been rather adventurous

♬ when he’d tried to pull the ‘but I am aman and you are a girl’ card you’d glared daggers into him

♬ you’d also contemplated slapping himfor his misogyny but decided against it

♬ God forbid you actually gave himmaterial for his silly arguments

♬ after that it didn’t take long to winZen back

♬ mainly because he knew that he wouldn’tjust use you like other men his age might have

♬ because he knew that he genuinely caredfor you, loved you

♬ because he’d been just 15 years oldwhen he’d started to take control of his own life, so why should hedeny you that very same right

♬ he still asked for your understandingwhen it came to public display of affection

♬ as a rising star he really couldn’tafford any scandals especially involving young girls

♬ (Jaehee also loved to remind the bothof you of that)

♬ you didn’t mind as much since you understood wherehe was coming from

♬ you hadn’t really cared for publicityand anyone knowing all too much anyway

♬ Zen also being not as uptight as someothers made other aspects much more interesting

♬ more often than not you were allowed tosleep over, even on weekdays

♬ Zen didn’t give a shit about schoolduring his years, so why should he lecture you

♬ he was also an amazing work outpartner, while you usually helped him with proper food

♬ bonus points for the face he made whenyou finally seduced him

♬ to his disdain, you’d done so ratherquickly despite Zen trying to control himself

♬ you were just happy he had no selfcontrol whatsoever as he was truly and literally a beat in the bedand that was an experience you more than enjoyed

Yoosung (20)

★ when he found out it actually tookYoosung a while to register

★ he’d been complaining about assignmentsagain, as he usually did, while you’d tried your best to cheer him up

★ eventually you’d chimed in, complainingabout your homework and all the final exams you had coming up, not tomention the CSAT’s you’d soon have to start preparing for

★ Yoosung had felt for you, really, as hestill very vividly remembered his exams

★ eventually you’d both said yourgoodbye’s until an hour later Yoosung had returned to the chat

★ he’d spammed it with emoji’s andcapitol letter messages of surprise and shock

★ you were still in high school and ifyou weren’t yet preparing for the CSAT’s you were an 11th-graderat that!

★ it was slightly awkward at first

★ mainly because he was ashamed he neverasked for your age

★ hell, you could have been some twelveyear old girl getting tangled up in all of this

★ but you insisted you were fine and hebelieved you

★ being a minor he was still extremelyprotective of you and swore he’d do anything to keep you safe

★ in the end, however, age just wasn’t anissue for Yoosung

★ after all, he was mere three yearsolder than you

★ his own parents had a bigger age gapand they were perfectly happy

★ on top of that you seemed to love thefact that he was slightly older

★ whenever you called him oppa his heartswelled with pride and he blushed

★ he was especially happy once he pickedyou up from school after getting his license

★ you’d bragged to all your friends aboutyour older boyfriend, making them all jealousy

★ Yoosung had never gotten that muchattention from girls like he did the moment he stepped out of his car

★ not to mention that once you’d actuallymet and started dating…well it turned out age was seriously nothingmore than a number as you were a lot more mature than he was

★ so even after you were revealed theyoungest in RFA, he was still considered the baby

★ if anything you being younger than therest of the RFA made you much more understanding

★ you understood the struggles ofstudying, procrastination and stress

★ you also turned out to be a greatgaming partners on certain date nights were the two of you allowedyourself to indulge in such things

★ above all, however, your young agereminded him of taking things a little slower

★ you dated for quite some time until hefinally asked you to marry him and it only made your union all thestronger for it

Jaehee (25)

♨ to Jaehee your age was a slightlybigger problem than it would be for the rest

♨ for one, she’d taken job advise from aminor, which was bad for more than one reason

♨ it also made your possibly relationshipimpossible in her eyes

♨ being both female was already hardenough, but you being a minor on top of it…

♨ while her parents might have had a hugeage difference, she’d learned to steer clear of them

♨ for her it had ended rather poorly andJaehee had no need to repeat mistakes already made

♨ from the moment she realized just howyoung you were, all romantic intentions were forgotten

♨ instead she began seeing as a youngersister and best friend

♨ it wasn’t half bad either, as both ofyou really blossomed from the relationship

♨ you taught her all about the girly,teenager stuff she’d missed out on while she taught you all aboutbusiness and other grown up things like taxes and stuff

♨ it was fun going shopping together andyou’d enjoyed helping her put make-up on for the first time

♨ she’d also been extremely patient whenteaching you how to correctly wash laundry

♨ not to mention that a lot of the thingsyou did together had no time stamp on them

♨ like for example making yourselfcomfortable on the couch and watching Zen videos

♨ or even better, going to the theater towatch his musicals life

♨ your age also didn’t mean that youcouldn’t help her with the café

♨ sure, you had to spend quite some timein school, but after school you came to the café every day andhelped out with anything and everything

♨ on weekends you even offered to workfull day, so she could take the days off

♨ Jaehee was extremely grateful for that

♨ and generally for having met you

♨ despite being young you’d given herjust the right advise

♨ you also had a young and freshperspective on things which helped a lot with customers

♨ eventually you finished school anddecided to go work full time with Jaehee

♨ she’d tried to advise you to go andstudy, but you’d been insistent

♨ after all she’d studied and gotten ajob and yet not enjoyed it

♨ why not safe yourself from pointlessexperiences other’s had made before you

♨ Jaehee had just laughed, unable toargue that point

Jumin (26)

♛ when you arrived at his apartment he’dbeen instantly smitten

♛ you’d captured his heart in the chatalready but on top of being kind, you were also utterly beautiful

♛ the only problem with Jumin is that hecan be a little ignorant of society, norms and such

♛ so having been a working hermit for thepast years he hadn’t really registered that teenagers tended to looka lot more…mature these days

♛ the only reason he even found out wasbecause you told him you had to leave, as you couldn’t afford to missa day of school

♛ he’d frozen for a moment, swallowed andtried to understand what you’d just said

♛ school?

♛ not university and not work but school

♛ he’d asked you for your age then andyou’d shyly admitted to being only in 11th grade

♛ it made things a hole lot uncomfortablefor an evening

♛ while he still kept you at his place –you weren’t safe after all – he’d stormed off to work withoutanother word

♛ now you didn’t judge him, you kind ofunderstood

♛ he was an extremely public figure afterall and people just loved to tear down as it was

♛ Jumin could not afford another scandalabout him dating a school girl on top of everything

♛ not only that, but you also knew of hisfeelings about his father dating women much younger than him

♛ almost a decade of age differencesurely must have scared him off

♛ you’d sighed and made yourselfcomfortable, rolling into a ball on the bed, waiting for him to kickyou out upon his return

♛ surprisingly, things didn’t quite gothat way

♛ the first thing he did was apologize toyou, for a lot of reasons

♛ for one he’d admitted to having hadsome rather inappropriate thoughts he was scared you might findextremely appalling and disgusting

♛ you assured him that it was absolutelynot the case

♛ he also apologized for keeping you awayfrom school as education was important

♛ of course that meant he’d gotten you aprivate teacher for however long you wanted and needed him

♛ he kept a slight distance to you, atleast physically

♛ you still talked and flirted and moreoften than not it was you making him flush pleasantly

♛ once you started to become moreseriously you assured him that you were fine with hiding therelationship, anything to not dirty his reputation further

♛ he’d assured you that you had nothingto be ashamed of, but that maybe keeping the relationship under theradar for a while wasn’t a bad thing

♛ after all, he could only marry you onceyou’d turned 18 and then only with your parents consent

♛ he was more worried of not gettingtheir permission and having to wait until you were 20 years old tofinally put a ring on your finger

♛ by the time you’d finally turned 18your parents had been delighted to agree and he’d swept you off rightaway

♛ age difference be damned, you were his

Saeyoung/Seven (21)

☼ by the time you’d gathered the courageto tell him how old you were, he already knew

☼ frankly, he seemed to know much morethan that as well

☼ you quickly came to the realizationthat he’d hacked into a lot of your private information

☼ you were too shocked to even feel angryabout it

☼ also exhausted, if you were completelyhonest with yourself

☼ you’d been carrying this guilt aroundever since you met, scared to admit to your age

☼ it had taken you days to get him to beeven remotely nice to you

☼ much longer to actually open aboutabout feelings and such

☼ then it finally clicked

☼ he’d been so mean to you because heknew of your age the entire time

☼ when you confronted him about it Sevenwas quick to admit you were right

☼ he hadn’t really cared personally

☼ four years wasn’t all that much

☼ not to forget that he’d beenindependent much earlier than you as well

☼ Seven had learned early on thatphysical age rarely equalled mental age

☼ that being said, he could not put aminor in danger and since he practically seemed to attract that, itmeant he had to keep you at arms length

☼ he’d seen what facing difficultiesearly on in life could do to people

☼ Jaehee, who’d lost her parents beingforced to almost work herself to death

☼ Zen, who’d abandoned his family only tojoin gang, get himself in danger on a regular basis and craveaffection and attention to the point he developed into a lonelynarcissist

☼ Yoosung, who’d lost his beloved cousinand was no barely able to function much as V as well

☼ even Jumin’s incompetence to act like anormal human being could be traced back to a root in his childhood

☼ Seven didn’t even want to begin to listhow much his childhood had fucked him up

☼ he’d tried to keep you away as long aspossible, deny himself his feelings

☼ it hadn’t lasted long, not when youunderstood and healed him in ways no one else could

☼ not when you’d been the bravest he’dever met

☼ not when you’d risked your life forpeople you barely knew and had no obligation to, let alone hisbrother who’d actually tried to harm you

☼ no matter what danger had been thrownat you, you’d managed it with utter ease

☼ eventually he’d been out of reasons tokeep away from you

☼ in fact, he was even in utter awe ofyou as you proved once and for all that age did not matter

☼ your body might not have been, but yourheart was fully developed

☼ your brain too, just saying (Sevenlikes em smart)

☼ so he gave in, ignoring all the voicesin his head telling him not to

☼ because of literal death threatscouldn’t keep you apart, age shouldn’t either

Saeran (21)

☀ by the time you’d gotten him away fromRika Saeran had been in no shape to date anyone, really

☀ not that he would have cared much tobegin with

☀ he’d loved Rika and she’d been olderthan him as well

☀ however the very same Rika was also thereason he’d given up on love

☀ mostly, that is

☀ he knew that he felt something for you

☀ but there was just too many things inthe way

☀ for one, he was dangerous

☀ even outside of Mint Eye his mind wasan utter mess

☀ he was too unstable to care forsomeone, let alone a teenager

☀ those were generally too emotional tobegin with

☀ he liked you just fine and he let youin as far as he could, but there were still walls after wallsseparating the two of you

☀ just like with V it would take him along time to actually admit to his feelings

☀ not because they are there and mostcertainly not because of age

☀ he’d tease you about it from time totime, call you a baby, child or brat

☀ Saeran would never mean it though, notreally

☀ you might have been young, but you’dbeen taken care of him, not the other way around

☀ you were mature and you knew what youwanted, traits much more important than age

☀ they were also precisely the problem

☀ he was older, he should have been theone taking care of you

☀ so when he realized he wasn’t capableof doing so, he did much like his brother

☀ he kept you at a safe distance for aslong as he needed to and not a day longer

☀ when he was finally able to trusthimself not to hurt you

☀ when he was finally able to be and actlike a fully functioning being

☀ he finally let you in

☀ you’d been there for him when almosteveryone else seemed to have given up

☀ you’d sat through insults and deaththreats

☀ never once had you given up on him

☀ someone like you was one of a kind,Saeran knew as much

☀ he’d be a fool to let a silly fouryears stand in the way

☀ so the second he thought of himself asstable, he went to you

☀ not wasting a single second to make youhis officially

☀ not when he’d already wasted so manyyears of his youth

Jihyun/ V (26)

📷 when V had found out about your agehe’d immediately cut you off

📷 it was rather harsh but not unexpected

📷 V wasn’t a bad person he was justextremely guarded

📷 especially after everything that hadhappened with Rika

📷 for the longest of times he hadn’tallowed himself to move on

📷 after that he hadn’t allowed himself tofall in love again

📷 so when you’d actually managed to makehim fall for you, you’d been wary to begin with

📷 you’d met people like V before and youknew how they worked

📷 even the smallest reason to break upwith you and they’d grasp at it

📷 not because they don’t love you, quitethe contrary, actually

📷 V loved you a lot and you knew as much,he always showed it

📷 but he was scared of his feelings andnot ready to face them yet

📷 so as expected, he fled from them

📷 for a while he disappeared from thechat entirely, which wasn’t anything new

📷 however even when he returned you werenever on at the same time

📷 even when you caught him mid chat hebarely acknowledged – if at all – and disappeared right aftertaking care of whatever business he was taking care of

📷 obviously the feeling wasn’t pleasant,but eventually you managed to move on

📷 almost a decade of age difference and alot of trauma were two very valid reasons to separate people from oneanother

📷 after a while things between the two ofyou cleared up

📷 V returned and you talked

📷 never about your relationship, but atleast you were friends again

📷 you even managed to convince him to gethis eyes fixed, which for you was much more important

📷 by the time he actually got to see youthe first time, years had passed

📷 he’d been blind for two RFA parties,gone for another

📷 you were over 20 years old now and whenhe saw you climb on stage to hold the opening speech, it took hisbreath away

📷 you were confident and soft at the sametime, a proper woman now

📷 he was still aware of the agedifference but it seemed so irrelevant all of a sudden

📷 it had taken him years, but he finallyapproached you that night

📷 sure, you weren’t that young studentanymore, but the wait had been worth while

I should be studying for my own exams…why the fuck am I writing these instead?!

[i-remember-there-was-mist]

Hi Christine! I have two questions, and I've asked them to multiple people and never gotten the answers I'm really looking for: 1) Have you had to manage your finances differently as an actor? (feel free not to answer if this info is too private) and 2) Do you have advice for managing multiple gigs as a performer, especially since some schedules can be subject to change?

These are really great questions, and I think it’s so vital that actors actually talk about money.  It’s considered a taboo subject, but if we never talk about the ways to keeps ourselves afloat financially, we can never really thrive as artists.  It’s not information that’s shameful or to be whispered about.  Let’s talk about money.

I think the main difference in how I manage my money is my income tracking. I make my money in 20-50 dollar chunks because of lessons, and then in several thousand dollar chunks for shows.  So not tracking my income is not an option.  Particularly when Harrison makes his money in the exact same way!  I would have exactly zero clue how much we made every year if I didn’t track every single dollar that we make.  Tax time would be impossible if I didn’t track this, and tax time is still really tough when you’re having to manage tons of different jobs.  It’s also tough because you can’t really justify, “well it’s only twenty bucks,” because...My entire income is made up of small chunks of money like that!  So small amounts of money hold more weight for me, because I see really first-hand how they add up.

I was so incredibly lucky, though, because I had a big savings leaving college and I made more money than I’ll ever make in my life on the ship.  The only job that would pay me more is Broadway, which is not something on my horizon.  So after the ship, I had this ginormous savings (which is why I was able to buy a house and still have plenty left) and a lot of drive to make performing work on land.  That savings gave me the flexibility to not have to take a subsistence job, and I got to take the time to build my lesson business.  I didn’t start where I am now with lessons--I didn’t have 15-20 hours of lesson a week.  I had 3 or 4, which was not enough to pay the bills.  Harrison was making a lot more than I was in piano lessons, but that was okay! Now I make a lot more than he does in my lessons, and so we balance each other out.  We’re there for each other when the other needs to take a slower few months to build up something bigger.  So having the savings I did gave me the time I needed to build up my business to the point I am at now.  I don’t think I could have done that so quickly without having all the free time my savings gave me. 

I feel very fortunate for a lot of reasons. I had huge scholarship going into college, and my parents covered the rest of the costs.  I am so fortunate to have had that luxury, because my savings before the ship would have been completely depleted.  Not everybody gets this luxury, and I know that.  For me, getting incredibly high grades and test scores in high school led to large scholarships, which coupled with my parent’s generosity, got me through college. 

I’m also very fortunate that this ship job came.  I wasn’t supposed to get that job.  Somebody quit about a week and a half before rehearsals started, they looked through their files, found my tapes, called me up.  That job gave me so much--it gave me Harrison, it gave me experience, it gave me travel, it challenged me, and it gave me a lot of money. 

I am fortunate for this blog, where I got to meet so many phenomenal people at all stages of their careers.  This blog is what made my business possible, and it’s the thing that pays my mortgage.  Maybe not the large majority of my followers, but the ones that take that extra step and choose to take lessons with me...I am so fortunate for them, because they make my life possible. And I am fortunate for all the rest of my followers for continually believing in me and trusting me and lifting me up.

For your second question, get a detailed planner.  Write everything down, start balancing your schedule early on and communicating your other conflicts with directors.  Next month, I’ll be juggling three different shows at once.  Every one of those directors knows about my other gigs, and knows that right now, they’re all going to work out fine together. They’ve all made minor adjustments for me to make it work. They also know that they can’t just change everything up without discussing it first, because I have a lot of conflicts.  These are all people I’ve worked with in the past, so they trust me to be honest with them and be upfront with my schedule. They also trust me to try to make anything I can work, and really try to accommodate everyone.  So honesty with your directors can help a lot, because if they’re in the loop, they won’t be surprised if you say you can’t do an extra eight hour rehearsal one Saturday.  A show isn’t allowed to take over your life completely without prior notice.  If you got the rehearsal schedule and they said, this will be eight hours a day for two weeks, then you knew.  But they contractually can’t say, “oh it’ll be only weekends” and then halfway through, change their minds and demand you’re there all day every day...   Just like any other jobs, they set up expectations, you agree to them, and then changes need to be passed by you. 

The tough thing, which I don’t really experience because of the nature of my side job, is when rehearsals would conflict with side jobs.  Or auditions.  I actually have a friend who is about to make her Broadway debut, and she would take serving jobs and then just quit them when she got auditions.  This was obviously incredibly hard, because it’s not sustainable.  Thankfully, she got on a National Tour after a couple of years of auditioning, was on the National Tour for two years, and now is getting moved to Broadway.  So it worked out for her, but I would imagine the stress of having to juggling a side job that isn’t accommodating and auditions and rehearsal is very, very hard.  This is why a flexible side job is so vital, but isn’t always readily available!