#I'm just thinking about how much I benefited from reading stuff like this in uni

[tozettastone]

Just on the topic of radical feminism— (heads up that there's some transphobic stuff discussed below, although not in much detail)

I think it's worthwhile to acknowledge that radical feminism did have its era. I know we deride it a lot online now and we have some good reasons for that. And I also do think it isn't really the right tool for approaching the evolving gender landscape of modern life. Radical feminism views all oppression of women as a result of gender relations between men and women (who are binary opposites) specifically. Today, a lot of highly educated people who think deeply about sex and gender have stopped treating gender as, like, "these are the unalterable facts about our bodies and they have a specific, inalienable social and biological meaning," which makes radical feminism just kind of... less useful to us. A school of thought that wants gender as an entire concept to be dismembered and served up on the good silverware can't really make use of a framework that's grounded in gender binary.

But I still think it's worth knowing about radical feminism.

I just think we kind of need to understand where we as feminists have been if we want to understand why we're here. Radical feminism did, in fact, have its era. Once you start thinking about it in its context, it's absolutely no coincidence that it emerged as a force in a froth of rage during the post-war years in the west—when the menfolk came back from war and the women were so condescendingly ushered right back into the home. It's worth reading your Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin and Carol Hanisch (and, yeah, even the most loudly hostile transphobes like Sheila Jeffreys or the off-the-wall spite of Valerie Solanas, yes, sorry), and it's worth thinking about the absolute rage that informs, well, pretty much anything Sylvia Plath wrote (although I don't think she'd ever have called herself a radical feminist, if she'd lived that long—she's furious about the same things, though). All that stuff from the 50s (or late 40s, if we count de Beauvoir's The Second Sex) and 60s and 80s is useful and educational, if the people around you read you as a woman when you walk around on the street. It's worth reading and knowing where words like 'patriarchy,' and phrases like 'male supremacy,' and 'the personal is political,' are coming from.

And, anyway, reading something doesn't mean you should treat it as an authority. Obviously I don't think you should read Jeffreys and come away agreeing with her that "sex reassignment is mutilation," because I personally think that's incorrect (because... see my point above about dismembering gender). But maybe you shouldn't take my, or anyone else's, word for it? Maybe you should read and find out how she arrives at that idea and figure out what you think about that? If you come away thinking she's wrong, you'll be able to explain to yourself, clearly and with high quality critical thinking, exactly why. And if you read a bunch of radical feminist stuff and come out going "all this was a massive distraction from a more significant axis of oppression—which affects all women anyway—which is CLASS," or something, that's a reasonable criticism that you can probably support. I know people who think that, too.

I guess I just sincerely believe that we really only get to know one little tiny bit of reality from one single point of view at a time. So each new piece of information can form part of the lens through which to view reality. And to me it's just so much more useful to understand radical feminism as a deeply necessary, if now outdated, era of feminist thought than it is to howl "RADFEM RHETORIC," and not actually know what you mean by that.

Anyway if you got to the end of this and you're like, "yeah, maybe I should read more historically significant theories, but I simply lack the will and energy," then. Understandable. Have a nice day. LOL.

[birdylion]

2, 4, 17 and 24 for the aro asks

Thanks for the asks, anon!

2. When did you first realise you were aro-spec?

Quite late because I didn't have the words for it for a long time, and getting there was complicated. I don't recall it with certainty, but I think I first thought about maybe being ace because clearly there was something unusual about my attraction. At some point I'd heard the word and its definition enough and that it just made sense for my life experience of, for example, mostly just ending up in friends with benefits situations and never wanting anything else out of it. So, mid-twenties, I guess?

edit: I just re-read a bunch of older stuff. I realised when I was very close friends with benefits with someone, with a commitment you could call queerplatonic, but definitely without romance or romantic feelings on either side. Other people kept telling me that I was in fact in a relationship and just didn't know it, and I was SO annoyed by that. That's when I started using the aro label.

4. What moments make you think, “Well, I’m definitely aro”

Well there's all the times when I'm bewildered by other people's amatonormative assumptions, about wanting to find a partner, about needing a partner, about what it means to be in a relationship, about what romantic partners can and can't do (like voice disagreement with their partner about how much they like the color of a wall).

There's Valentine's Day, which is just such a non-issue for me that I'm entirely bewildered how there can be such an industry around it. I used to be annoyed by it, but that was before I figured out I was aro. I was so frustrated that apparently it was so important and I didn't get it, but it made no sense, and that made me angry. Now I can just shrug and say it's not something in which I want to take part.

There's bound to be more, that's just what comes to mind.

17. How do you feel about sex/love songs?

First, what moves me most about music is the actual musical part, the melody and harmonies and rhythm etc. I only listen to the lyrics half the time. So I often don't notice unless I pay attention, but then I'm bored when every other song is about that. Human experiences are more than just romance. I'm sure "I want you but I can't have you" feels like something you have to cry out loud, but ... there's so much diversity in the human experience, aren't you bored to sing about romance all the time?

Sex/love songs that come to mind that deeply move me:

I'm you man, by Leonard Cohen (devotion)

Ready to call it love, by Mika (uncertainty about (queer) feelings and commitment)

Nothing else matters, by Metallica (deep trust between lovers)

Arguably sex/love songs:

You're my best friend, by Queen (look Deacon wrote it about his wife)

Songs about other topics, just for the fun of it:

Cats in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin (familial love and the passing of time)

Streets of London, by Ralph McTell (social misery)

Riez, by Stromae (starving artists)

The Islander, by Nightwish (being forgotten by the world, I guess)

For Good, from the musical Wicked (two people having changed each other for the better)

Gracias a la vida, by Mercedes Sosa (being grateful for your life)

Fade to Black, by Metallica (depression, suicidal ideation)

Eleanor Rigby, by the Beatles (lonely people)

Wanderlust, by Nightwish (wanderlust)

Fils de joie, by Stromae (how society treats sex workers)

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free, by Nina Simone (being able to be yourself)

I am what I am, by Gloria Gaynor (being yourself)

Friends will be friends, by Queen (friends being there for you and vice versa)

24. Best part of being aro?

Best part of identifying as aro is that I can do away with all the little excuses I found before for not dating or looking for relationships: I'm too busy with school/uni, I'm going abroad soon and it wouldn't be fair to start something now, etc. And internally, I feel just so much more chill about the whole thing now that I can just shed society's expectations and say 'no thank you' while still acknowledging that it is a thing that's important for others.

Best part of being aro is ... it seems other people are very stressed about romance, and I'm just not? Sure, I'm sometimes frustrated and feel alienated that others seem to live in such a different internal world than I do, but from what I see, I wouldn't want to think that much about dating and partnering up and being with someone just for the sake of being with someone. The best part of being aro is definitely that I had an easier time dissecting amatonormativity; it was easier for me to get there and I think that changes my life for the better, all in all. Alloromantic people can do that too, but I guess it's not as intuitive.

[bloutwo]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers ⭐️

ok last one! I'll try to make this one short (I failed)

My friends <333 I was really lonely growing up, and always struggled to connect with people both online and offline, so when I went to uni in 2020 and met these wonderful people over the uni's discord, and then being able to meet them in person a year later was wonderful!! My friends truly are everything to me, and most of my favourite memories are time spent with them!

On the topic, a favourite of mine is ending nights out after going to our local goth club with a kebab is something I always always always look forward too! There's something so beautiful in stumbling around with my friends, shivering in the cold because we're all too stubborn to bring coats, wolfing down kebabs while we sit on the pavement that I love. It always reminds me of this song by dodie, and truly something I'm going to miss once we're all a bit too grown up to be spending every wednesday night outside the kebab house debriefing on what had happened that night (not too old yet though!!).

Crocheting! I only got into this last year when my grandmother taught me, but I love creating amigurumi plushies to gift to people, it's a hobby I find so relaxing and a nice way to unwind. I picked it up in an attempt to cut down on screen time and I found it to be so fulfilling, it really helps keep my mind and hands busy during my downtime which benefits my mental health tremendously. There's a little yarn shop in my town ran by two little old ladies, and I love going in and showing them my latest projects, and chatting to them while they help me pick out yarn for my next projects. The whole hobby is something that brings me an awful lot of joy :)

Reading in the garden!! Another attempt to cut down on screen time (reading fics doesn't count ok). Especially in warmer weather, I love spending my downtime lounging around in my garden with a good book, maybe a Pimms or Desperado for the vibes. One of my favourite memories is of the summer I spent between my first and second year of uni, where I spent most of my time sunbathing, reading All The Young Dudes and listening to Inside by Bo Burnham. Listening to the birds and bugs and watching my cat play in the grass while I relax is something so lovely that I look forward to in the colder months (not so fun to do when my teeth are chattering from the cold and I can't turn the pages with thermal gloves on).

This is such a silly one, but when my followers/mutuals interact with me! I know I post about it maybe a bit too often, but reblogging a post and seeing people interact with it within a few minutes brings me so much happiness! It feels like we're hanging out!! Getting asks like these ones!! I love em!!!!! I know its just pixels on a screen but knowing that there's someone on the other side that thinks the stuff I reblog is cool or funny, or they like my dumb lil text posts, it makes me happy, knowing that I had even the tiniest little impact on someone through a silly joke on tumblr (or a gifset of keith looking pretty, lets be real). I love the sense of community really, and I'm not quite sure how to put it into words how it makes me happy, but it does, and it's something I really am grateful for :)

[foxounderscorecube]

Hi Foxo, I have a question - not sure if you're on Autism and/or ADHD spectrum but regardless seeing as you clearly read a lot in quick time, do you maybe have advice for someone like me who wants to get back into reading but keeps getting distracted and rarely able to finish and often gets tired from reading even not that long pieces of text [like less than 10 average pages]?

Hello! I am definitely autistic and it is plausible that I have ADHD.

So, for one, I am currently just on a reading kick. This is the longest-lasting one I've had for a very long time now, which is nice. I read everything all the time when I was younger and only struggled to around the time I developed chronic fatigue syndrome - I wasn't really able to focus as well after that, likely due to both the CFS and that was when I was doing A levels and then uni after that.

As for why I'm able to read again now, a big part is that I haven't really got much going on right now, which is not very useful from an advice perspective. Even so, I still had to make myself read to start with, and still sometimes do. I benefit from setting time specifically as Time to Read. Typically, this is before bed. Despite having the tired sleepies in devastating quantities, I am not someone who can just get ready for bed and sleep instantly, for the most part, so I generally lay in bed and chill out for a bit, and that's a great time to read (and a childhood classic for me, too!). This is not perfect in that, like when I was little, I do sometimes stay up too late reading, but hey, what can you do. Train journeys are a good Time to Read for me (but aren't especially frequent in my case) because what else am I going to do? stare straight ahead and pick at my skin? Sometimes it's literally just that I say to myself "this afternoon/evening/whatever I am going to read" and I set myself up in my room and that is what I do.

Not sure how useful this is as advice, but I avoid reading sitting in the living room or workroom, especially at my desk. I am way more likely to get distracted by my PC or by the stuff around me. I also try to optimise my comfort levels, which sounds way more effort than it is! Stuff like, I know I am more likely to be comfortable reading laying down/reclining than sitting up, and I'm more likely to struggle with concentrating if my glasses are at all dirty.

None of this makes me immune to being unable to read for very long or getting distracted by scrolling through social media apps, and sometimes I get myself all set and comfy and then my brain's still like "haha nah m8". But it helps.

I've already written a total novel here, sorry, but one last thing that may or may not help for you? I have a notebook that is just a Miscellaneous Things notebook. I do shitty drawings and collages and stuff. I also write my thoughts on what I'm reading after I've finished, which is mostly to help me remember things better. I have fun thinking about what I'm going to talk about when I write my silly little review, too. For me, that's fun, so it's motivation in itself, but for other people, that would be like homework!!

In short, it's probably going to take some effort to start with. If routine/setting a segment of time aside helps you, lean into that. It might feel like a lot of effort at first. If you have any favourite books, maybe start with re-reading them rather than gambling on something that could be crap!

[feuqueerfire]

Never Let Me Go Ep 7 Live Blogging

Watching this during the break between my lectures. Also I finished watching Strangers From Hell yesterday and I'm still kinda in that mindset, so hopefully this will keep my attention

Just kidding, Part 2 has no subs + they're pillowfighting on the bed in part 1, so I feel awkward watching it in public. Will watch after I get home - now to reblog Strangers From Hell gifsets instead heh

Episode 7: Good Fortune

Part 1

oof pillow fight in bed, can't watch this in uni esp from where I'm sitting

ah fuck i knew someone was gonna see them looming over in bed. at least Palm's mom didn't make it a bib deal

David's gonna proposeeeee

Palm orchestrating a romantic moment with the dirty cheeks - it's giving me War from YinWar flashbacks

damn not Phum also being like hmm you're a good guy, huh but apparently you blamed Nueng for initiating the kiss - he and the viewers have some stuff in common ig

the endless school fighting when it comes to Phum

damn Ben reflecting on his shortcomings that he denied his involvement because he was a coward and selfish; not as brave as Nueng, which he was impressed by. Interesting self-examination because honestly they're pretty rare in BLs

Ben and Chopper convo - I hope Chopper's not the one who released the photos please - I wonder how much Ben knows about

Nueng's really caught up on the fact that Palm brought him to this romantic ass beach that: the server's boyfriend took her on a date, is perfect for proposing, Palm thinks is romantic.

aww proposal

it's good for Nueng and Palm to get to see these happy gay adults in love and thriving

Part 2

oh good there's eng subs now

i'm gonna lose my fucking head it's gonna start rolling palm is giving nueng a foot massage/wash like their power dynamics already goes so hard but this is actually about to send me to an early grave

Palm has been sooo smiley this episode and probably also last episode since getting here

100 baht per day from 500 baht/hour expectations lmfao

plsss quitting after half a day is killing me. things i should've done at my last internship

Nueng straight up asking Palm if he's included in the people Palm loves. ahh them shouting "Please keep Khun Nueng safe" and "{lease keep Palm safe" and "Please keep us safe"

rip both of them getting bad predictions

the reason Palm's father and he owe this family is because they paid for Palm's surgery and "Gave them new lives" but is this new life just for their benefit? no sir you can't lose your life for them.

so true you tell him Nueng that nobody's the owner of his life (did Maggie previously say this too?)

Part 3

so Tanya's still alive as expected, but in critical condition

so did Chopper's father kind of admit that he called the hit on Tanya? or is he somehow a red herring cuz we're getting hints too early?

lmfao they're getting married a day after proposal

So it wasn't chopper who released the photos but Phum paid Palm's basketball friend to do it?

Palm's mom taking a chance again at this gay wedding to ask Palm what's between him and Nueng - "Are you having an interclass romance between a boss and his servant?"

Palm's mom reads him so hard "I can see it from Chiang Mai!" and then asking him if they've kissed

oh now she's talking about why she left his dad and Palm

interesting that she brought up her husband stifling her with his love, wonder if Palm will take something from@that

girl why's Palm smiling like that, does this dumbass already love Nueng?

Part 4

everybody loves this part, i'll watch it at one watch through maybe? it's taking me 3 hours to watch this ep cuz I'm distracted

ahh boyfriends while on the island, I'm assuming we're gonna get some more sadness when they get off the island

kiss ahh

ah fuck palm's father arrested

Got spoiled on before watching:

just a few moments from preview of last ep and a few screenshots on twitter but nothing much

just kidding i went to check the on-air thread for which pars have subs and apparently they're boyfriends in part 4 and have a good kiss

Overall Thoughts:

Thankfully we got to see more of what's going on with people outside of Nueng and Palm's bubble and it's all going to shit while Nueng and Palm are being cute and giggly lol

Thoroughly enjoyed the ep, and stood against my mild obsession with Strangers From Hell.

Fave Scene:

The kiss scene probably? Or is it the pillow fight? Or maybe Palm washing Nueng's feet

Posts I made

None

Most viewers that I saw per part during the premiere:

1: 17k || idk after that and also there may have been missing subs for at least part 2

12 hours later 

14 hours later actually

Part 1: 641k || 2: 538k || 3: 423k || 4: 462k

Avg: 516k

Views Tracking (just because I’m curious): 

6 days later bc last time was a day late

Ep 1 - 1: 2.074M (+103k) || Avg: 1.322M (+61k) || Max Part: 1

Ep 2 - 1: 1.328k (+56k) || Avg: 1.066M (+49k) || Max Part: 1

Ep 3 - 1: 1.133M (+53k) || Avg: 985k (+50k) || Max Part: 1

Ep 4 - 1: 1.365M (+64k) || Avg: 1.056M (+58k) || Max Part: 1

Ep 5 - 1: 1.175M (+102k) || Avg: 1.024M || Max Part: 1 (also part 3 with kiss has 1.143M)

Ep 6 - 1: 1.219M || Avg: 953k || Max Part: 1

[gryffin-who-cannot-fly]

I'm unsure if this is helpful or not but as a student at an Australian University this all sounds absolutely appalling (that's not the 'helpful' part don't worry). I'm sure @ms-demeanor is well aware of this but none of the stuff listed is 'the nature of the beast' or in any way required to give a good tertiary education.

At my uni, they:

Aren't allowed to mark me for attendance at all, or make it any part of my grade (some units get around it by having assessed weekly labs in person, but it means that is only used when absolutely necessary)

Have a very strict requirement for the unit outline which tells me what is taught each week, when and what the assessments are, what portion of the grade they are, where I can find my unit coordinator/lecturer/tutor/etc., the pass requirements, and so on

Set the academic calendar like 4 years in advance. that's not a major one, I'm just blown away that your college (?) does it only the year before??

Have minimum notice they have to give to make significant changes to when or what an assignment is, and might even have to get student permission or at least not have student dissent?

Have a maximum of 3 assessed items per unit per semester (this one is a little controversial as to whether it benefits students and also they can be split into something like weekly labs, but it does help avoid one unit being an overload of work and ruining other units the same students might be doing)

Reading between the lines here but as far as I can tell they have much more oversight and standardisation between units, so there's much less risk of a bad unit coordinator fucking you completely

I think, reading through this thread, that part of it is not having an arbitrary focus on "butts in seats" at an institutional level, so they can focus on actual outcomes like pass rates for units and employability from degrees. Also our unis are... less for-profit nightmares, although that is getting worse here.

I spend so much time complaining about my uni and how little it cares about staff and students compared to how much it cares about money, but hey, apparently it could be worse.

So yeah anyway trying to argue that the particular list of bullshit outlined in this thread is in any way necessary for tertiary education to work is just straight-up wrong. It might be a reasonable outcome of the circumstances (underpayment, overwork, under resourcing, etc.) but even if it is, you should be willing to call it out and critique it. How else would it get better otherwise?

Honorary mention to (paraphrased) "as a perfectionist I can't plan my unit outline ahead" because what the fuck, that's no excuse to just fuck over all your students. Your unit isn't the only thing in their life, they need to plan that shit. Just pin down the major details like dates and weightings and work out the rest later? Like ms-demeanour said these are adults, treat them like it.

What the fuck is up with professors not including an assignment schedule in the syllabus I'm going to scream

[margridarnauds]

honesty hour thoughts on the dark academia aesthetic

Oh, I *hate* you for this.

I think...on one hand, I have to be as consistent as I can be with my personal beliefs, and I'm big on free will in general. People can do whatever they want so long as it doesn't harm anyone else.

That being said, I think the entire thing is superficial and pretentious, more about appearing to be well-educated and smart than in anything of substance. It's all about name dropping the right authors, wearing the right clothes, knowing the right artists to name drop. And it's incredibly white, it's incredibly classist, it overwhelmingly glorifies Humanities fields that have traditionally been built upon and benefited from colonialism (....Classics), built upon an idea of academia that hasn't existed for decades at this point, and glorifying the worst aspects of it -- the burnout, the mental health issues, the class issues, the huge, sprawling campuses that we all know have more than a few skeletons in their closets. It's all less glamorous when you hear people from multiple departments around the world, many of them large, prestigious institutions, talk about how they all know their programs are hiding the real suicide statistics. I can always tell when someone actually has experience with this stuff, whether it's at the undergrad level, the MA level, or the PhD level, and whether they got that experience at a community college or at a Grand, Established University, just based on how they talk about it. (Here's the secret, as someone who's been in about every single tier of university you can get and has friends in the ones I haven't been in -- the main difference is money. You can get more resources in those grand old institutions than you can in the community colleges, but no, people are not, in general, getting inducted into any nefarious cults. It's a richer school, it isn't like you're going to Hogwarts or going to school on the moon, even if people there might act like it at times. It's one more program. You have a nice view, that's it. And at my uni in Florida, we even had that, because we had some lovely botanical gardens.)

And I get it, for a lot of people, it's a neat escapist fantasy, it's harmless, but I'm just...too close to it to enjoy it. I've been in those big, prestigious universities, I've done the whole "leaves scattering under my feet as I clutch a warm apple cider in my hand, taking in the first chill of winter beneath my blazer, the pile of books in my backpack a secure weight on my back" thing, and, surprisingly, I was still extremely depressed. There's no escapism for me because it's my every day life. I've seen the classism first hand, I've seen the pressure to dress a certain way or act a certain way, I've seen how much performance goes into it even as grad students are increasingly being recruited from lower and lower middle class families (even though, overwhelmingly, students come from families that have at least one parent in academia) because they need us to fill their programs and do their cheap work for them. I've seen some of the dark things that everyone knows but that we're not supposed to speak about out loud, not necessarily in my own immediate department, but...my field's small. Rumors travel. And it's fairly common for grad students who present as women to be gently taken aside by some of the older grad students and given a List of professors to avoid at conferences, and that's not including all the Nazis in academia historically (and into the present.) And...it's not glamorous, it's not exciting, it's soul destroying. These men (and the odd woman) are never going to get punished, they're going to live their whole lives without being challenged, with many of them being there in the first place because they came from backgrounds that told them they were destined for academic greatness just based on who their family is, and we have to live with the knowledge. And it's hard to be reading the old classics when you're on the line for multiple conference papers + the coursework you're already doing, because you need to get out as much work as possible before you're thrown into the cruel world of the academic job hunt, especially if, like me, you're in a very niche field.

It's simultaneously outdated while also being a little too real. And, again, I get it's good fun, there are parts of it I even like, especially given that I really like when they lean more into the gothic themes of the aesthetic, but it's just...wildly not my thing. Raccoon Academia for the win.

[ghostiewriter]

1/2 Hi I really loved part 1 of your new rivusa series. It was so well written and I'm excited to see where it goes. Obviously expecting the whole feelings? Pfft what are those?! Thing from both of these idiots before they come to their senses. And I can't wait to read that. Thank you for being so lovely and encouraging the other day (anon who lost her rivusa fic here) & thanks to the others who were also sweet, much appreciated. Thought up some new rivusa ideas but unis a bit hectic atm for me.

2/2 Also, Ik you should write for yourself and for me even that can be a challenge. I find it really hard to ever be satisfied with what I do even if I kinda liked certain aspects before. I dont wanna give you a whole ass essay on my personality, I just wondered if you or any of the other mega talented writer friends had any advice/tips you thought were useful. Dw about feeling like you have to dish this all out though I just came to say I like your fics and thanks for being so nice. ♥️

Thank you so much, I’m so glad you enjoyed the new series!!❤️What more can you ask for that an Idiots to Lovers Friends with Benefits plot?😌

And btw I totally get what you mean about the not being satisfied with your work. You’re human and you’re going to have really high standards for yourself, we all do. But one of the biggest things you have to remember is that you will be way more critical on yourself than anyone else may be. What you think is not that good could be like the best thing ever written to someone else. And writing is a learning experience, you’re always learning new things and improving the way you work and figuring out your style. Trust me, if you saw any of the stuff I wrote a couple of years back you wouldn’t believe it’s the same person 😂it’s gonna be a challenge and it’s gonna be nerve-wracking af when you post your first fic but trust me, it feels so fucking good when you see the comments people leave and see how much they will enjoy it (and trust me, they will enjoy your writing!!). I can’t wait to see the fics you’ve come up with and read them and fangirl over them completely!!! And take your time with it, I get it that uni and work can be overwhelming and take priority, don’t feel the need to spurt it out into the world because other people are pressuring it. Enjoy the process, that’s the fun of writing fics and stuff!!❤️

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 33

Today was actually quite good, after me talking about the chaos in my head and in my life, we looked at my problem with boundaries again.

I started pretty slow and exhausted, and talked about how problematic my situation with F is at the moment (awkward moment: he asked me if I still had sex with him bc I told him so last week, and because we shortly f*cked yesterday, I had to say yes. But at least I didn't have sex with him again even tho I really didn't want to, that happened the week before and I dissociated really badly. I only did that because I was afraid he wouldn't like me anymore / wouldn't spend time with me anymore if I didn't sleep with him bc he proposed the friends with benefits thing). We got to the topic of setting boundaries pretty fast and had a very similar conversation about it as in a session before. But we analysed it a bit more how I have a different standard for boundaries when it comes to me than when looking at other people - in the meta-level I know very well that boundaries are a very personal / individual thing, but when thinking about my boundaries, they just seem wrong and I try to align my boundaries to some kind of "normal" level (which obviously doesn't exist, but to a level that I can observe in many people, trying to find some kind of "standard" bc my boundaries were always called wrong so I sometimes have no idea of where they actually are and instead have to try the boundaries of other ppl to see if it might fit to my boundaries or not).

This lead us to why I think of my boundaries like that and why I am afraid of setting boundaries and am afraid of being humiliated for my boundaries - because of how my boundaries were treated when I was a child and because that is still engraved in my nervous system. The part of being humiliated for my boundaries kinda triggered some memories of when I was still living with my mother and she brutally humiliated me for any boundaries I tried to set. We then also talked about some stuff I remembered because of the book I am still reading, a book about trauma-research, where I read about how perpetrators destroy their victims' autonomy and their whole view of the world basically and make them dependent on the perpetrators, I then realised that some of the things I thought were projection of my mother were more a pretty systemic way of destroying me. Kinda too much to explain it here shortly, maybe I'll make a post about this someday.

Definitely a good therapy session, still pretty depressed but I'm not as suicidal anymore as I was on the weekend, I am currently typing this while sitting at a desk with my gym-crush who invited me to come study with her at a study-room in a building of my uni, but I kinda regret coming here because (almost as if I knew it) there is a reason that I wasn't studying the last few weeks and instead desperately tried to get some kind of distraction from my thoughts - tried learning now and first of all I'm way too tired bc my sleep quality is f*cked at the moment (thank you nightmares), and a few minutes later the bad thoughts started and it's really hard to push them away. I'm listening to music now and I'll try again, but this is kinda self-torturing.

[secondsofhappiness]

I hope you don't mind me asking but I read your posts about your sexuality today and I wondered when you realised you were ace and what you feel looking back on your teenage years? Did you still do typical teen stuff and realise you were ace later on? What made you realise you were? Sorry I'm just so curious and I hope I haven't offended you. Much love

That’s fine, anon. I don’t mind talking about this stuff at all on here so ask away! Makes a change from my personal life where I have never talked about it :)

I’ll try my best to answer your questions!

First off, when did I realise? When I was 26. I’m 28 now (29 in July). Late, I guess. Or maybe not late as many people my age perhaps never heard of asexuality until later in life so didn’t know there was a word for stuff.

Looking back at my teenage years? Haha I definitely knew I wasn’t like others. I think I started realising I was a little different around age 14-16. I didn’t have friends who were mega into boys or dating or anything so that perhaps delayed any response I had to that stuff but it was mainly my general behaviour. I didn’t talk about boys/girls, I didn’t show any interest, I actually found it difficult when they began talking about celebrity crushes or real life crushes and it’d all make me deeply uncomfortable. So I’d make a few things up and I always referred to myself in my head as a “late bloomer”.

The main thing that made me realise I perhaps had an unusual response to this stuff was when one of my best friends told me he liked me. He’s the only person so far in my life to ever do that and I adored him. He was so funny and I liked him a LOT. It was all swoon crush stuff with 16 year old me smitten with him. I didn’t want anything else, only to be noticed by him and to spend all of my time in his company. The second he told me, I clammed up and told him I wanted to be friends. I liked him an awful lot but I still turned him down. I then couldn’t even bring myself to speak to him. I was a wreck. I left school without speaking to him or saying goodbye. I treated him so poorly and I regret is so much but I didn’t know how to deal with the prospect of dating someone.

I’ll pop the rest under a cut as many people may not be interested in this..!

Then we got back in touch when I was in University… yep! We had been kind of in touch online for years but we messaged a lot and when I was home from Uni I agreed to meet up with him. It took EVERYTHING out of me to meet him after he finished work. He worked in a clothes shop and it took me 8 attempts of walking in to find him. I was a MESS and felt sick. I managed it and we walked around and looked around the shops together and he walked me to the bus stop and I gave him a hug that took all of my nerves. He was incredibly sweet, he was very patient and asked me if I wanted to meet up with him a month later when I was home. He told me he’d had feelings for me since school, had never stopped thinking of me (Christ alive) from time to time etc. I said yes I’d meet him but when that month came, I freaked out and made excuses that I couldn’t go. I have never seen him since. He got a girlfriend soon after and I still have him on social media but we don’t talk and I haven’t heard from him in years.

I learned a lot from that because one singular thing became apparent and that was my reaction to dating, relationships and attraction was different to everyone around me. I had NO frame of reference for it. I had no clue what to do and not just in the fumbly teenage way, but more that I had no natural pull to want to do this stuff. Emotionally - yes - but outside of that it was very difficult for me to want anything. That was such s tough struggle to reconcile and it still is.

It was much more obvious once I hit University. I went through school, college and University without a love interest, boyfriend or any attempt at one. I didn’t even look or consider one outside of a few very short romantic crushes. I made zero attempt to instigate anything.

University was an eye opener because sex was everywhere and it just didn’t factor in my life. I had no interest in it. I didn’t actively pursue anyone because I had no desire to. I did develop feelings for one of my close friends (I wrote about this the other day so see a previous post) and that whole experience confirmed to me that I didn’t have a “normal” reaction to attraction because I remember him giving me a hug once when we were watching a movie and I felt the moment it maybe went from friendshippy to something a little more and I freaked the hell out. I pretty much recoiled in horror but tried to cover it up. I didn’t know how to respond and I didn’t want it to continue despite me liking him an awful lot. Confusing, right?! Haha.

Since I was 21, I have had only one other semi romantic attraction that I now can’t even understand because I know the guy better now and we’d never have gelled in the long run. That’s it. I don’t date, I don’t look, I don’t consider relationships. Now, there’s a common denominator in all of it and that was always the looking to the future. The “well if I find some shred of confidence to try to respond to these advances then that means I’ll eventually have to consider physical stuff because that’s how the world works” and that fact alone was enough to stop me in my tracks and end things with quite a significant amount of finality!

I used to ponder it all the time and never understood what was wrong with me. I used to call myself (secretly) “avoidant”. That was my own word. That I had an avoidant personality. That I was simply unable to share intimacy. I read article after article, tried to work out why I was this way and it wasn’t until I was 26 that I saw a post about asexuality and reading it, I cried my eyes out. I visited AVEN and read everything I could, I bought books and everything just felt so personal and was like reading about myself. It was so comforting and I finally understood that perhaps it did have a name and I wasn’t screwed up or broken.

Looking back, so much made sense. I had never ever felt in any way sexually attracted to anyone I’d liked. The mere thought of that actually put me off. I got NOTHING out of the thought of that. If anything, it made me feel really damn uncomfortable. I always thought people were joking when they said they thought about sex so much. So much teenage media had been lost on me because I didn’t share their experiences or desires. I’d never had any of the thoughts that are associated with teenagers and those in early 20s. Friends with benefits was something I just didn’t get. One night stands were alien concepts because why would people?! What’s the point?! There were so many signs and I just hadn’t realised them all until later in life.

So I didn’t do typical teen stuff. I didn’t have any of the typical firsts or experience any stereotypical teenage experiences and they didn’t happen in college, uni or beyond either. That’s difficult to accept at times because many people who are perhaps late bloomers actively want that stuff. I didn’t.

When I turned 25, I noticed friends became a little more interested in that aspect or non existent aspect of my life and the more they questioned or queried, the more it made me think of how I felt and so much slotted into place. I’ve never “come out” or whatever you want to call it but I am also pushing 30 having never had any relationship or pursued one and my friends definitely just accept this about me. One of my best friends, Hattie, said to me once “I don’t think you’d everyone be with someone unless you were very very close to them or perhaps you may never have those feelings for someone but I’d hope you’d tell me if you wanted to talk about stuff”. That’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to talking about it.

So the future is unknown but nothing has changed since I was 14-16. I am still exactly the same about it all as I was then and so I guess if I’d have known about asexuality I may have been a little less upset about how different I seemed to be from my peers and may have understood myself a little better and spent much less time worrying, stressing and feeling like I was a broken human being! That said, I always focused on friends and have been fiercely independent and happy being alone so I’ve always been pretty well adjusted despite it all :)

So yeah! I hope that answered your questions, anon. Why do you ask? If you’re questioning, I’m always happy to answer any questions etc. Might as well chat about it as it’s so damn unknown in the grand scheme!! 🙂

[justalittlemango]

I'm getting mad, I don't know why

16/07/2019 -; it’s been nice to think I haven’t needed to post on here for a while, but at the moment I feel like it’s right to. I’m 22 years old now, so how is life? It’s ok I guess. I’m doing alright for myself, renting an apartment with my boyfriend in a job I don’t really like and in a town I hate.

2019 has been quite a tough year on me. My health anxiety or hypochondria has been pretty much off the charts this year. This is due to unwelcome effects of heart palpitations, which started back in February. I think I used to get very minor/barely noticeable palpitations before, but in Feb it kicked in as the worst I’ve ever had. It was a strong unforgettable feeling, the panic it induced made me think I was going to die.

I went to A&E and they pretty much declared it was anxiety, I had an ECG and was sent home. I went to doctor as they said they could prescribe me some beta blockers, so I took them . They did nothing. I then got put on sertraline (antidepressant) and the side effects were horrible, so I said no thanks to that. In fact, I said no thanks to medication in general. Palpitations still trigger my anxiety but I’d rather that than horrible side effects from antidepressants, which I don’t even feel like I really need.

I then went to A&E again in May after suffering chest tightness, I think I had about 3 ECGs , a blood test and my blood pressure was monitored consistently, the doctor reassured me he was 99% sure it was anxiety. This helped me feel at ease, we were speaking for a while about common interests and this was really the only doctor I could ever truly open up to. He was a great lad and understood my anxiety.

Being in A&E this time on a Saturday night really made me think . Everyone was high on hard drugs, alcohol, trying to fight the doctors / nurses, spitting/puking on the floor and yeah. I felt like I was in that fucking hospital from Outlast.

Ever since then , I get them pretty much daily. I try not to take much notice. I’ve been trying to go to the gym to improve on my physical and mental health, however finding the time to do so is tricky when you’re working long hours. I feel like it has something to do with my posture that induces these palpitations, I can lead forward or to the right to stop it from happening, If I do nothing, it would probably go on for a while.

My next plan is to take magnesium pidolate to help. I have heard good things about this nutrient and its benefits when it comes to palpitations. I really think this could work for me. So that’s how my life has been this year, a lot of health anxiety. What about other issues?

I feel like I am very stressed but I couldn’t say so myself? I tend to brush it off but when I truly think of it, there’s anxiety and stress always when I’m going to and from work. The buses are a big part, as they’re so unreliable and sketchy. Walking through the town centre where I was only robbed last year on the street in pure daylight, still gives me fear walking through on my own.

Working itself is stressful of course, having to always keep a good rapport, making sure your shit is organised , making sure you attend 9+ hours a day and on time. Dealing with asshole clients. Dealing with incompetence, it happens so much. I get home and I stress myself out as I always want to do something creative or socialise with people, but I just have no motivation, I always see it as “I have no time to go out my comfort zone now, I just wanna relax” (socialising is usually out my comfort zone cause social anxiety and all that.) My mind then gets so conflicted and irritated that I want to try something new and creative and make friends, but just can’t find the time to do so. I’m always so exhausted.

Money hasn’t been too much of an issue, so at least I’m blessed on that behalf, but even so I’m still deep in my overdraft that I gotta find a way of paying. A decent £1,500 worth. I paid off my immediate student loan earlier this year and it took much weight off my shoulders.

Dissociation seems to be something I keep thinking of lately, things just don’t seem right. I can’t quite describe it. I don’t even know if it is dissociation? Time is just flying by so fast, I don’t seem to enjoy things as much as I used to , and I don’t really get excited for things anymore. I read online apparently this is just being an adult, but I don’t know. I would love to regain my excitement for life and whatnot.

Being stuck in the past has been a major issue itself in the past couple years , mainly due to loneliness or absence of friends I think. Albeit , it hasn’t been so bad since I’ve been active on various communities online, but without the internet, I have nothing in terms of friends. Most of my friends live in my hometown, which I don’t live in anymore. This triggers me to constantly look back in the past, mainly 2012/13/14 years and enjoy the memories I had, the friends I made, the experiences I embarked on and the fun I had. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever get moments like that again. I guess that’s part of the “dissociation”

Despite all these issues, I’ve never thought about suicide, harming myself or others. I love life, I love people, I try to love myself . I want to truly cherish life but it’s just seem to lost its magic.

Issues that were dominant in my life around 2013-2016 thankfully are no longer around. Including emetophobia which was a big trigger, jealousy/envy was also a bitch to get over. My social anxiety was generally much worse back then too , so at least I don’t see much of those.

Alcohol consumption is another issue, I hate the stuff but at the same time, I fucking love it! If I don’t have booze over the weekend, it will feel like a wasted weekend, yeah it’s that bad. I usually just drink at my apartment with my bf as we don’t have friends local. I feel like it’s damaging my brain, I feel like it’s made me think slow, more forgetful and causes general health issues I wouldn’t expect. Sadly it’s too much to ask for to ask me to come off the stuff. Other drugs? I don’t do drugs. Not my thing really.

I blame my first attempt at uni for most of my desensitization. Shit happened and I was so kind and fragile back then, and it fucked me up. So now, those arseholes are the reasons why I am a not give a fuck kinda person when it comes to meeting ppl now.

SO WHATS GOOD? OR WHAT WILL BE GOOD OR WHAT MAY HELP? WHAT IS KEEPING ME GOING?

Well, I’m leaving my job on 30th August. Yup, I’m packing it in. I am also moving out of this town, I will then be on holiday in Toronto for 1 week, and then starting university down in Cheltenham, where I hope to make friends, have more free time back, not live in a shitty town, focus more on my academic skills, follow my dreams of getting into game design and really trying to climb the ladder. I want to go because I want to prove myself. I want to be able to sleep properly again. I want to feel how I did in college, where my happiness peaked. Work life is so dull and boring, and when you do it for so long, your life flies past you. I hope going to university will slow this down as I will have more free time, which I’ll be doing the things I want to do.

I’m so confident I can do well at uni this time around. I feel it’s exactly what I need. The holiday in Toronto is also exactly what I need . It’s the only thing I’m very excited for. A nice holiday, I haven’t had one in over two years. I’ve mostly been working non stop.

I want to see how this magnesium works out with my palpitations and hopefully if it works, I won’t have to worry and fear them when they happen. I’m crossing my fingers here!

I want to see how university plays out and if I can cut down on my drinking as the year progresses . I don’t think it does too great for your body or your mind.

I want to go to the gym more at uni, to help me stay in a healthy mindset and feel good .

I want to make friends and join communities to help support each other, have fun, make memories and not have to dwell on my past all the time just for comfort.

I don’t want to keep working at the moment. I’m not ready for it. That office makes me feel old. The stress I feel is probably killing me. This town is depressing. My morale is low. I don’t feel safe or confident here. I await my departure in September to hopefully feel much better.

Happy trails ! Kurt :D

[dxmedstudent]

Hi dx. I'm a med student and I often find it hard to follow complex instructions - i tend to filter bits out/forget bits. I usually get round it by asking people to repeat themselves/with skills, i just practise doubly hard in the lab. Today my driving instructor suggested that I might have processing problems. Tbh i've thought about it, but never took it seriously as i usually get round it. I always thought I was just very dopey! Part 1

Not sure if i do have it, and if i should do anything about it/try and get a dx. I’ve heard health profs scoff at stuff like this and say it’s just people trying to get a label. Most support stuff online seems to be for kids. Do you know of any drs with stuff like this? Would be nice to have some strategies to tackle it so i dont have to work so hard!            Hello! I’m really touched that you decided to share this with me. I don’t think you sound very dopey at all! Quite the contrary, you’ve clearly been working super hard because in some way you/your brain processes things a bit differently. It’s probably been a bit harder for you than for most people, but you’ve worked super hard to do your best; and achieve what others do with less effort. I’m proud of you for the work you clearly put in; it may often go unnoticed, but I can understand that it probably takes a lot more than most people would realise. I don’t believe in scoffing, and I think quite a few profs are rather out of touch with the world, or at least what gives people meaning today. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or appreciating a diagnosis. We’re not silly; when we notice that we are different from other people, we want to know why. We want to know if there’s anything we can do to help, and if there are any more people like us. I think that’s a perfectly natural and reasonable response. Yes, people might attach importance to labels, but the reason that people look for a diagnosis to begin with is to make sense of symptoms which disrupt their lives. Any profs who look down on why labels might be important to some people have clearly not thought much about what it must be like for your body or mind to do something weird or hurful, and for you to have no idea why that might be, or what can be done about it. It can be a really isolating, experience. As an aside, I always just thought I was dopey and dumb for being really bad with faces, particuarly out of context. I’ve always really admired how some people will see a person once and say ‘yep, I’ve defintely seen that person before’. It turns out, some people just aren’t good at recognising faces; it’s called prosopagnosia. It can be a spectrum, from mild to really severe (like picking up the wrong kid at school because you didn’t recognise your own child), and it’s probably missed a lot of the time because who on earth would go to their GP and say “doctor, I can’t remember faces”? I had no idea, and I was a medical student. Until I read one of Oliver Sacks’ books; he described this so well, not only because he was an excellent neurologist, but because it affected him, too. I burst into tears. Because this exists, and there’s a name for it, and I’m not just really really dumb person who just isn’t trying hard enough to be polite to people. And that’s why sometimes a label can help. Even if like me you’re not severely affected, or there’s no treatment for it. Because we often subconsiously blame ourselves for things outside our control. I never asked my docs for a formal diagnosis (though there are research groups out there looking for people, I guess I could ask them), but it didn’t matter; for me even just knowing that it’s not just me is enough. I definitely know docs with things like dyslexia or ADHD, so I’m sure you’re not alone. There are probably plenty of people in medblr who can step in with their own experiences.I don’t know what condition (if any) you have, and where you might be on the spectrum, but sometimes even just knowing that you’re not imagining it can help. More importantly, in your case perhaps there’s some support that might help, or ways in which work or university could accommodate you. You could also see your doctor about it; universities can diagnose stuff like dyspraxia, dyscalculia or dyslexia, but sometimes not more complex things. So your doc  might have ideas about whether there’s a team which could help get you some answers. Don’t worry if you’re not sure what you might have; it shouldn’t be all on you to ‘find out’ everything. Sometimes we aren’t sure of which diagnosis (if any) fits ourselves best. But then again, that’s why even doctors have to go to doctors (much to our own dismay); sometimes what we want is reassurance from someone who can view things independently, and who is there to listen to our story with compassion. Who can say “I believe you are having these symptoms”, and who may be able to give you a reason why they are. Where something feels like it’s a part of us, this can be trickier; the differentiation between ‘this thing I have’ and ‘who I am’ can be difficult, and it’s hard not to feel or be judged for something that is very much a part of us. Most universities (at least in the UK) have a disabilities service/department that can assess students for dyslexia, dyscalculia and dyspraxia, so it’s always worth going to your university’s relevant department and explaining how things affect you, so you can be assessed. That would benefit you in 2 ways; firstly it helps the university to know you may need more support if you are struggling, and that if you struggle, it’s not a sign you just didn’t try hard enough. And also, if you have a diagnosis, then you might be eligible for more support from university; including extra time or other things. Sometiems this has made a huge difference to people I know. I always advise people that it’s usually better (at least in medicine) for it to be on the record. Particularly if you feel that it might affect your work or training. The reason is this: the law protects people with known disabilities and conditions. University and work should make reasonable efforts to accommodate you, as long as they know that you need help. I’ve known people to struggle at work or university, and risk looking like they are flaking out, when really they are struggling alone. Whereas the people I know who disclosed that they needed support have always got some kind of support, and been accommodated. If they don’t know that you have a diagnosis, there’s a risk that you could be accidentally or more deliberately descriminated against, if your condition affects your studies or work. Whilst people with conditions that aren’t affecting their work may well choose not to seek a diagnosis or keep things off record, if your condition is more severe it usually works in your interest both to know what it is, and also to make sure you get any support available, and make clear to employers/uni that you are doing your best. Good luck, and let me know how you get on :)

[ink-fireplace-coffee]

Okay I didn't know you were a twin! That's so cool to know Morri!

In my case, my sister and I have had this "i wish we were identical twins" conversation a million times (and wondered who would be the clone of who haha) but solely because she sucks at math and I'd make her exams. That's all.

Comparison between twins is real. Very much so. Like by everyone: parents and teachers and well... adults whenever you are studying.

I was lucky to be the "try-hard" kid, the one who "got it easy" (and I quote everything because I am not gifted and i don't really think I can measure myself as intelligent by that scale). On the other hand, as I said, my sister sucked at math (this is actually a really interesting thing because another fun fact about me is that we were born being 24 weeks old, six months and that qualifies us as preterm or premature kids. Recently a study has shown that preterm children have problems in language and math areas and I wasn't surprised when I read the article).

This meant that my parents helped her more, trying to "get her to my level". Along with other types of different circumstances that impacted us growing up, my sister and I have developed two different attachment types, which basically means that we react differently with others.

Now that I'm somehow having a hard time with my marks and grades and exams and stuff and she's actually getting higher grades than when we were in high school, I had a bit of meltdown cause I was always the "smart one" and I wasn't anymore. This is not like self pity or anything I'm just putting it as an example for you to see how (as i said before) my self esteem and self concept are built from the existence of the other and our eternal and somewhat unfair comparison

I have NEVER used the "I'm older!" directly but my parents have sometimes used it as a somewhat valid argument or whatever when i just wanted to scream "WE ARE TWINS" and the reason I'm supposedly older is because they took me out first (C-section born yayy)

I didn't always share friends with my sister, since we were in different classes in elementary and middle school we used to have different friend groups, but then we both were bullied and decided to hang out together and search for friends that way i guess. She didn't fit in as well as I did with the rest of our friend group (she's not as "nerdy") but "survival-wise" is what we had.

I consider myself to be very protective of my sister because of again different stuff and attachment styles and maturing which benefited her into not having to mature as much so fast. This year though it changed with her going a year away and it has lifted a weight of my back. I understand not all fraternal relationships are like this, and that I'm lucky to get on well with her.

Still as Morri said, she knows me well and trusts me and I trust her (i mean I have trouble trusting people but you know, to a level I trust her) and yes! she makes really good gifts! I like to think I know her enough to success in gift giving

We have reached a balance when we started uni because here is not as common to leave your house to go to uni in another city, so we are both still living at home (not this year tho), where we know when to hang out and when to leave the other alone with her separate life

Hey

Tell me some stuff about twins. I never do any real person research for my characters but I should really start.

oh wow okay that's a long answer so be mindful of that

also this is all my own experience so if you happen to be part of a pair of twins and wants to chime in, please do so.

Okay first thing first: there are two types of twins. Identical twins and non-identical twins.

I am a non-identical twin. Which means exactly what you can be thinking: my sister and I are nothing like each other physically. She has brown hair and eyes, I have somewhat blondish-brown hair and grey eyes. Our face structure is different, our features are different. Our body is different.

Most of the time people don't even guess we are twins at first! But we are.

Second thing I should probably say: I'm two minutes older than my twin (yes it matters) I'm the older one.

Your set of twins are going to be x minutes apart from the other and that's a number you take to your grave. That's a number you remind them everytime you are in an argument and you want to make a point.

My sister and I grew up in a neighborhood where there weren't any kids out age, so we've spent almost all our childhood together. This translates to use having almost the same exact memories of things, our own language (invented words to refer to something or someone and we talk backwards when we need to say anything with people in front of us), key words that we created when we were little and basically the same childhood!

If you went to my twin and said "the girl and the fence" i know what she's thinking about. And if you told me "Imagine by John Lennon" I can interpret you our own version of the song that we wrote when we were like eight or so.

This means that more often than not we speak at the same time and say the same (I guess you could say it is because we have similar braincell patterns if you want to get scientific, but telekinesis is a much nicer explanation)

Still of course we are not the same person! At all! We both have different hobbies, likes and dislikes and are our own person, even if we still relate to a lot of things. I like to refer to my sister's hobbies as "the same as mine, but in a different direction": we both like reading, but we read different genres; or we both like a sport but for different reasons.

Living with a twin us not living with your best friend. Not always. We fight a lot (as siblings do) over dumb stuff and we are not joined by the hip. Specially not literally since she is in Germany now so...

Maybe this is also just my case, but I've grown so used to people calling me by my sister's name that I answer to it automatically, so maybe that's a twin's thing as well.

In my course, we were four set of twins: two pairs of two boys, us and a pair of a boy and a girl. Of course everyone had different dynamics but I think it's safe to say that almost all of us share that proximity with our sibling the way separate siblings don't do (← can't know for sure cause I don't have a separate sibling just my twin and I)

Somehow, the fact that we shared course, sometimes teachers, a friend group and later on the same class, has made us build our self concept around each other. Being a twin is part of our identity and now that I'm in uni and I'm meeting new people it initially shocks me when they are surprised cause they just found out that I'm not a single kid. Cause I'm clearly half of a set, you know? Still of course I know it's not something visibly clear.

We have a lot (and I mean a lot) of inside jokes, of stories and memories. I think she knows me more than anyone could ever because I've spent all my life with her. There are some childhood grudges as well (like when she ripped the scratch page that smelt like chocolate from my Geronimo Stilton Fantasy Kingdom book)

Aside from that now that we are kilometers away, our day to day conversations usually are either calling the other while we are studying and just talking about whatever or sending us memes and tiktoks saying "that's u" (she just did that as I'm typing this)

If you happen to be part from a set of twins and want to add your own little things or share stories PLEASE feel free to reblog this!!!

Again this is just my humble interpretation of 20 years of being a twin and you might not agree with some stuff which is completely normal!