#I'm just feeling that imperfection is a missed opportunity to self expression

[birds-for-brains]

Late night thoughts, but I feel we need to make art that doesn't look necessarily pretty more often. I've been experimenting a lot with doodling recently, and can say it's such a cathartic thing... and yet many people overlook it.

Sometimes, all you gotta do is draw the jankiest fish, monster or creature you've ever drawn, and toss some colors onto it. Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in this case, beauty can surely be found in smudged strokes, values that don't necessarily make sense but are pleasant to the eye, and just feeling careless about the expression.

I have yet to embrace the beauty in ugly art to its fullest... but I've been having fun so far. And man, I sure hope to just let this flow through.

[atendersun-archived]

Sleep was beckoning him, but first he wanted to write out the things that had made his day turn out to be a really good one.

Getting to sit and talk things out with the sheep baby who isn't quite a baby anymore, Cairo. Even though he wouldn't speak on his tears having too much meaning after long since providing himself with a nap and a snack, he at least was thankful that they listened to him as a whole.

His self esteem is still very much so touching the ground with how low it is, but he at least made some stride in bumping it back up to a much healthier level by finding a way to compliment himself without unintentionally triggering himself in the process. Using phrases like "I'm capable of being ___", or "I have all of the tools to become ___", are incredibly helpful ways for him to express traits that bring him a sense of pride without worrying about a voice in his head telling him that those don't apply to him while he's still in the process of being an imperfect person in the midst of healing.

Getting to spend a large chunk of his evening just getting to sit on someone's lap without there being any subtle complaints to be made, or any amount of guilt that would have made him regret asking his friend, Nich, to hold him in the first place. He'd honestly been missing having those moments where he could just give into the affection and be babied basically, so it was really heartwarming to have the opportunity to experience it again. And to for it to be one without any ounce of feeling like he was a manipulative burden by the end of it.

Honorable mentions that are not necessarily things he isn't happy for, but are more along the lines of acts he's proud of himself over more than anything:

With each formative bond being established between himself and a male friend of his that reached out to as a means of conditioning his mind to know it is safe, and loved, he fully supports his decision to not have any of those kinds of discussions take place with himself and any member of Komachi. As well as any of their spouses for that matter. Would he maybe want to establish a kind of connection between himself and Akatsuki / Jirou alike where conversations were completely open to the topics he really needed to get off his chest and address? Of course. But does he also want to make the kind of mature effort in acknowledging that neither would probably care to converse with him in that deep of a manner anyways? Yes, of course. Just because he wishes to be held by by his ex, as well as by said ex's partner, with the reasoning being that he would like everyone to feel as though they can always go to one another about anything, doesn't mean that realistically that should be the way things work. He's very, very slowly coming to understand that.

That he openly used the word wife in front of Akatsuki, and that he didn't give into forgiving him just to make sure everything stayed comfortable between them. The first brings such immense feelings of confidence in him due to the fact that he has been afraid for YEARS to even mention the word dating in front of the older male because of the circumstances that unfolded the last time he spoke openly about having someone he was intimate with shortly after the two had broken up. It absolutely terrifies him to tears when be thinks about the possibility that Akatsuki does not believe he ever loved him due to his less than good behaviors while they were in a relationship together. Sometimes that fear can become so big that even just imagining himself in other partnerships makes him feel a sense of guilt over giving up on / abandoning the older man. He doesn't want to live like that, though, and he especially doesn't want to keep his relationship in the shadows for an eternity when Hannah has absolutely been the best thing to ever happen to him.