#I'm jealous of my older siblings because this is a milestone most of them won't reach for a long time
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Hm
#rainy vents#in the tags of course#I'm spiraling I think#I've lived twice as long without my mom as I have with#I'm jealous of my older siblings because this is a milestone most of them won't reach for a long time#like at 15 I'd already officially lived longer without her than with her#I ache for my little sister because she hit both milestones as soon as she hit 4#we have no family photos of all 8 of us with her because by the time the youngest was born the eldest 3 lived out of the house#2 lived a day and halfs trip away and 1 already had a kid#everyone else seems to have moved on and sometimes I feel like I have too like if you want a bitch that makes dead mom jokes I'm your girl#but then we get to this point the interim between the new year and my birthday#and all I can think is “okay the day before my moms been dead fo x amount of years and then midnight hits and I'm [age]”#and all I can do it dread it#i remember I used to hate going on social media because I hated how everyone would be mourning my mother one day#and then the next be sending me birthday wishes like that hadn't happend#now I hate it because no one talks about her at all and focuses entirely on my birthday#i hate my birthday and this isn't even the only reason but its the one that tends to overshadow the other trauma#if you're friends with my I'm sorry if I'm weird in the upcoming weeks#if I'm sporadically really clingy and all but ignoring you#I'm working on it but god this is the worst time of the year for me
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