#I'm incredibly comfortable with openly talking about but I have so many word documents of stories about it

[that-sw-selfshipper]

I was sitting here and thinking the most "Me" for self-inserts is my self-insert with Revan and my self-insett with Kylo.

For Revan, its the part of me that is afraid, that has to put on a front to be strong. They've been hurt one to many times in various ways, their heart tries to "shut off" from the world, they distance themselves from others. Make sure to make it a point to tell people they aren't worth the hassle of catching feelings for because they're emotionally unavailable (of course its far from the truth) Revan can see through and most importantly break through those defenses that Kaden has placed.

For Kylo, it's the part of me thats the "ugly" the side that is also afraid but it's also the side where I explore and get comfort for my bipolar, my menieres disease, my depression and anxiety. He sees the "ugly" and instead of telling me what I've been told in real life by others he stays, he reassures and he understands. With Kylo its different as he has actually affected me in real life. I've already explained many times before so I won't get into it but yeah...

These are the two who are the most me, how I am irl. Just as if I was too split myself into two.

Its hard to explain, I mean all self inserts are me with various parts of my personality but these two are the most irl versions of me that I've ever made.

Is scary but, they're special.

[laylainalaska]

Mashblogging (11x05 "Who Knew")

I watched 11x05 "Who Knew" tonight, and I thought "Sons & Bowlers" was my cause of death, but NOPE, just put this episode on my tombstone, GOODBYE.

I love how (while not exactly intentional, and there are obviously a lot of other episodes that are important along the way) there is a clear and explicit throughline across SEVEN SEASONS in how Hawkeye relates to other people, from 4x19 "Hawkeye" through "Where There's a Will" and "Sons & Bowlers" straight into this episode. (No coincidence, I'm sure, that the last three are all by the same set of writers.)

I complained about 4x19 "Hawkeye" over on DW, because he spends the entire episode talking nonstop and yet somehow manages to say absolutely nothing personal - it's mostly just rambling about medical terminology and girls he dated in college. I guess I would've expected talking about his friends, or revealing a little more of his internality, or something?

But the more I saw of him as a character, the easier it was to see it in context: Hawkeye simply doesn't talk about anything personal, even with people he'll never see again; it's a pure reflex even when he's concussed and rambling, as of that point in the show.

Then in "Where There's a Will" several seasons later, Hawkeye, fearing he's going to die at in shelling at the front, keeps himself sane and focused through the hell he's in by thinking about the people he loves, and says goodbye to them by writing out his will. It's an unspoken "I love you" but in a fairly oblique way, though he gets perhaps more personal than he ever has before in the show, praising their individual qualities and telling them what he likes best about them and choosing appropriate gifts (his main personal comfort object goes to Charles, Margaret gets something to remind her to laugh because that's what he loves best about her, Potter gets something sentimental from his childhood that reminds him of his dad, etc).

Of course, they don't even know; he's writing a document to be read after he's dead, and he never actually uses the word "love" even once. They only way they'll ever hear any of this is if he dies, and since he doesn't, they'l never hear it.

"Sons & Bowlers" has Hawkeye as probably the softest and most open that we've ever seen him in the entire show, plus Hawkeye explicitly talking about saying "I love you" and how he can say the words but he doesn't know how to really tell his dad that he loves him (and Charles gives him the nudge for how to do that, and he does do that).

And then we come finally to "Who Knew," where Hawkeye, who has spent eleven seasons deflecting and avoiding emotional conversations, admits openly that he does this and he knows that he does this.

"I'm a lot like Millie. I'm not shy ... I cover up my feelings with jokes. I don't tell the people that I care about the most, the most important thing I can tell them - that I do care."

... and just straight up tells his friends that he loves them in so many words.

"I love every one of you."

And I love how just as in "Where There's a Will" where it's clear that the order of people in the will is non-random, there's a definite progression here in the people he names. It's almost in order of closeness but not quite - Potter is first because of rank and also the specific nature of the relationship they have (in terms of emotions I'd put him right before Margaret, but I agree that he needs to go first), but then it's a steady emotional escalation (though you could easily swap Margaret and Charles, they work equally well in either order).

I also love that it's a sort of escalation of complexity, because Mulcahy and Klinger were always easy, Margaret and Charles were a hard-won love, and BJ is just and has always been BJ.

And the distinct way that he says the last three names!

Margaret is incredibly soft and gentle, the way he just whispers her name.

Charles is soft too, but also just kind of like "You didn't know I loved you? Well, now you do."

(Charles: I CAME OUT TO ATTEND THE FUNERAL OF SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW OR CARE ABOUT, I DIDN'T EXPECT TO BE ATTACKED LIKE THIS.)

and then he just grins at BJ.

And those last three are the ones he finally tears up on.

PROTECT HIM. T___T