#I'm having a creative crisis
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Silly references of characters from favorite game
#good pizza great pizza#gpgp#I'm having a creative crisis#I really like Michael and I hope that his story will be revealed in the future#I think he should improve the dough recipe#because the pizza cannot be bland due to the toppings
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miniature paintings of valkyrie
#ensemble stars#shu itsuki#mika kagehira#watercolor#I'm in creative crisis#am I an artist?#I'm so small and insignificant#I'm also on twitter now. don't know#It's so frustrating for me to have to interact with other people in response to#my dear viewer#look at my drawings and leave me messages#without ever talking to me face to face#I'll fall in love with you and you'll never know about it#i love you. yes#you!
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i think i got accepted into the 2D animation class at my university #win #success #awesome
#talks#all of my other classes this semester are kind of boring. we kind of got the worst professors/teachers for every class too lmfao#our first semester teachers were so passionate about their job and now we only have teachers who have the personality of a cardboard box.#i really looked forward to illustration but our first seminar yesterday was a huge disappointment#and i'm lowkey trying not to have a crisis about it lol.... it's not even the class. it's the teacher & the way he chooses to teach us#which is just. sketching from real life. realistically. no room for creativity whatsoever. WE WONT EVEN HAVE A FINAL PROJECT#i'm mad about it because the other groups who had illustration last semester had assignments that sounded really fun#illustration class is the reason why i chose to study here in the first place.... and we got a teacher who doesn't gaf about it. grrrrr#anyways. i'm hyped about 2D animation!! it's the only class i really look forward to :D
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I know that my ideas aren't the best, and that my opinions seem shallow, and that I'm probably not the best profile when it comes to art or writing or anything interesting but HOLY SHIT LET ME BE HAPPY WHAT HELL!
#DAMN I JUST WANT TO STOP FEELING LIKE SHIT#I'm on the brink of stopping posting things about any fandom possible#oh you're are attacking my depression anxiety existential crisis today so much#JESUS JUST LET ME BE#If you don't like anything I post JUST IGNORE IT WHY YOU HAVE TO SAY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT#shogun 2024#shogun#shogun fx#stellatrix#ftws#fanfiction#creative writing#writeblr community#writers on tumblr#writer problems#writers of tumblr#writing problems
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I fucking forgot I had explicitly been rolling with the poison dart frog ability theory for this fic since we didn't actually know when I started this thing.
#im going to have to go back and add an authors note to the beginning of this thing damn. i'm only 4 chapters in with 12 more to go damnit#im kinda frustrated with myself like shit should i just rewrite that out of the first chapter instead of doing this to myself#or do we just pretend beast fyodors ability is different smh#it would be one thing if i was even halfway through with it#i guess that is the risk of taking that long a break in an ongoing series for a character like that#do i care. do i not care. hmmm.#im going to be having a creative crisis for the next hour or so deciding this because it also is relevant to other parts in my outline#for future chapters.#wait but there are just immortals in general here so he ain't special.#maybe i keep some version of the poison dart frog thing because the body swapping isnt as notable like he might as well not have an ability#i guess. i dont know. rahhhhhh#-pers
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Well, I'm watching The Wheel of Time for the first time ever, and it is the first series I'm watching that I know absolutely NOTHING about. Honestly, I think the only thing I knew about it was that Rosamund Pike was in the series!
And while I'm watching it, I'm also with a fucking hyper-focus on DnD (because of BG3 and my bsf who was playing back at home a campaign with her friends) and all I can think is doing a campaign that drinks a little bit from The Wheel of Time's story.
Ok, now I should sleep because even if I'm hyper-focusing on those things, I still need to do my homework because I won't have my degree without studying...
#the wheel of time#lizzie thoughts#I wish I could just change to creative writing in college#but I'm not from a family that can support me until I have my own money#maybe I'm having a existencial crisis#or a professional one
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Ough
#god i never realize how depressed I've been until im applying for zines and find out that ive only done 2 finished pieces this year#like i dont know i just feel like im stagnating in more ways than one#creatively. socially. occupationally#i just. sigh#i joked today that I'm having a mid-20s life crisis but i think there's far more truth in that than i wanted
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i just realised that it might be a little strange that for a person with limitless creative drive, i have very little creative ambition?
#my sister asked me if i had any desire to leave my mark on the world#and i realised that maybe it isn't typical behaviour to scorn at those creatives in books who agonise over#being remembered when they're gone? i've done that since i was a child#i always thought it was contrived#but apparently it's a real thing and it's just so far for my experience that i never realised it wasn't just made up#what the fuck#now i'm having a bit of an existential crisis#i have always been a bit insecure about my lack of creative juices#i've always been better at reproducing than making out of nothing#but i've trained those muscles too#to some extent at least#but i still just do my things because they're fun!#not for external validation#although that's good too#feels nice man#but the internal validation i get from satisfying my creative urges is more important#and my creative urges can be satisfied by finding someone who's done something great and latching onto them and going#look !!!! they get it!!!!!#and then obsessing over them for one thousand years#internal monologue
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throws my whole story into the trash
#I don't have the time to write creatively except in small bursts and I am uninspired#it's the corporation law#soul-sucking#also the global disasters don't help#a little existential crisis inducing#rambles#also#if you are a FTH person I will email you! it just takes ~time~ and I'm currently ~time poor~
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it took me 4 years to realize it's okay to fuck around with my writing
and it, in fact, is extremely healthy to do so
#i realized i starved myself creatively fml#one of those: i hate i'm now realizing it bc existential crisis but i cannot think of any other way for me to fully understand it#i will always have mixed feelings about graduate school#tally vents
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the thing about WS beaulix brainstorming is i don't know if i'm going to or even should write the multiple sex scenes in my head but the problem is that apocalyptic world really does give so many more interesting opportunities for Sex Locations
#LIKE YOU GET TO BE CREATIVE!!!#most adventurous beaulix sex in RR/LB is in the car LOL#there might be something more adventurous in LB but i haven't figured out out yet. but still not as fun as the WS opportunities#like when else can they have sex in an ABANDONED DINER#or a wilting greenhouse?? overturned train carriage?? like is this the power of spec fic???#i never thought about this when i did my 2022 draft#i remember i had a massive crisis during nano trying to look up natural lube alternatives because i was like#this personal project is littered with plot holes for the sake of being self indulgent but god i will make the sex accurate#but all of them were so bad....i will spare.....but now i'm just like who cares LOL
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How do you...decide what you actually want to do with your life?
#realized recently that if I had started a degree a year ago when I first thought about it I'd be halfway done by now#instead of still puttering along not sure what I actually want to do or study#looking for jobs that would pay more but be boring and unfulfilling because I don't want to be worried about money#but also shouldn't I be doing something that inspires or motivates me?#like this is partially my latest existential crisis speaking#but I think I've just been putting off making any actual decisions about the future? and pretending that waiting *is* the decision?#which it sort of is I guess#I just want to be able to afford shit#and also want to be able to make a difference and do shit I care about and not be terribly overworked#almost 30 feels way too late to not know what I actually want to *do*#almost 30 also feels too late to start (over) in some kind of creative endeavor#like there's so many things I could have decided to get off the ground in the last few years#and the truth of the matter is I haven't cared about or liked any of them enough to do it?#but I probably need to pick something an decide to care even if it's not always fascinating? like that's how people do life?#so I should just fucking pick something?#but I also just. I want to be able to afford to travel. I want to move to a nicer apartment. I want to go out for dinner when I want to#and shop at the independent bookstore#and take a weaving class#and a creative job or even something that is marginally interesting but professional isn't going to provide that for me#and it pisses me off so much because I'm so tired! of seeing other people! able to do all those things!#and I know that everyone's lives are different and I don't know what goes on behind the scenes#but what I would give for a partner who made bank and could support my fumbling...#anyway I have to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in years soon and clearly I'm handling it totally fine#and not at all having a crisis about what I've done with my life since college hahaha
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Ketu in the houses
Doing smaller(in this case not so much, but it's still more elementary and formulaic) posts before dropping the big ones. I know you all are going to love this (my blog has become a ketu information hub for a lot of you 😅🙃)
As always, keep in mind: ketu is very internal and personal. I can give you basic descriptions and observations but to connect with your ketu, due to its essence and nature, I think you'll have to shut out a lot of the noise and just listen to yourself. That concerns everything. So, if your truth is telling you that I or someone's description is incorrect, then trust it. Be careful while examining that.
Ketu in the 1st house:
Automatic and natural possession of the physical body. Comfortable in their own skin, sometimes too comfortable. Have an appearance that suits natural adornment. Quality pieces look extra good on them, but even they wear/carry something "cheap", it still somehow works. They don't have to really think about their appearance, but if they do start to, it might have enormous impact on others. They're not really fans of trendy looks of the moment as I've observed, they have the power to set the trends themselves but I'd say most of them are not aware of that. Might be loud while talking and have a sort of unrestrained/unfazed demeanor. On ther hand, they might also be really quiet.
When all else fails, just focus on yourself. Keep coming back to yourself in times of crisis. You have good health but don't ignore it, this placement might not even give you the permission to. You have enormous privilege of having amazing power, don't waste it.
Ketu in the 2nd house:
Hoarders, collectors, but not intentionally. Possessions have meanings attached to them. Intuitively have a knowing of what should go into their body and follow it, even if others disagree. Good at measuring the worth of things or people. Relaxed face. Sort of disconnected from their family or lineage, or seem that way. Family support was convenient in childhood but might have been taken for granted. Deeper voice(?), slightly intimidating way of speaking. Great singers(?).
You can always ground yourself, no matter how strongly it seems otherwise. The support and the family can be all around you if you find it inside yourself first.
Ketu in the 3rd house:
This is my placement, so it's gonna be longer(cause I have more info, not cause I'm arrogant😭) so bear with me.
Aware and alert but ironically might not be aware of this at first. Great instincts, naturally skilled. The information field is constantly on their radar. A lot of what they observe is boring to them, and they absorb everything. Movements are natural/effortless. Might look clumsy or careless with movements or speaking sometimes but they have it together, more than others and more than it shows. Have the ability to skillfully get out of sticky situations. Survivors. They have creative ways of managing tasks. Great with details but confused with too much data, they consider it pointless. Can get to the bottom of things. Can play devil's advocate but they often don't want to. Can argue but it's mainly to increase a sense of self-possession. Their "trivial" words have more meaning than they or others assume at first. Don't say a lot of what they know. Might be surprised that things that are obvious to them elude others. More shrewd than they look, but they themselves consider a lot of "shrewd" and "cunning" strategies dumb and superficial. WILL NOT trust others before analyzing them in their head. Quick, kind of messy minds but still somehow organized and sensible. Love to dig and investigate. Trust themselves before anyone else. Know that they know stuff but can't show the whole truth of it easily. Use confusion as a weapon. Relationships with siblings, cousins and childhood friends are nuanced, interesting and kind of cimplicated. Town/neighborhood black sheep but still fit there the best.
Ehh, what can I say, you're doing amazing keep going. 😭 The truth will come, don't worry, boredom is not forever and sometimes it's better than anything. Anxiety is a warning, get that b*tch out of your system, connect to what makes you calm. Look around you and get rooted to your life, like you know how to do.
Ketu in the 4th house:
Strongly tied to their home/family, whether they want/like it or not. Private about family life. Need their space a lot. Sort of clingy to their family and home but at the same time want to break out of it. Get defensive if you get too close or vulnerable. Have a natural ability to nurture but always nurture themselves first. Familial responsibility is embedded in them. May have been spoiled with attention, especially in childhood but have hated it, or have come to hate it. On the other hand, might have felt very ignored by their family memebers. Might have a very traditional family that values culture, upholding to moralities, and appearance.
Family is not the worst thing in the world and I know the ties might hurt, but there is truth and stability there for you. Find peace there and the rest will fall in place.
Ketu in the 5th house:
Fun, creativity, art has deep meaning to them. Life is built on entertainment for them. Their life is a soap opera. Dramatic and expressive. Art is their religion. Can be ignorant of other's preferences and naturally assert dominance when the situation concerns creativity, entertainment and art, even remotely. Only know what they like and don't seek to be trendy in their preferences, it's very personal to these natives. Can be selfish and get lost in hedonism. Don't discriminate between pop and indie, or discriminate harshly. Not easily infulenced in general but easily persuaded if you know their "weak points"/preferences. Generous with their attention if others can pay even more attention to them.
Yeah, life is art, but it's not for profit and not always for show. Learn to be humble when life demands it. It IS your life, but before you get lost in the art, make sure you're rooted in the truth of it.
Ketu in the 6th house:
Resilient, distrustful but relaxed. Healthy and helpful, very practical and balanced. Might have had health struggles that have shaped them and made them stronger. Natural medicine>chemicals. Will take chemicals if they consider it correct and see no other way. Expert at making the best out of the worst situations. Not confrontational but can put people in their place. On the other hand, might not hesitate one bit and be direct in times of tension. Know how to look after themselves and hate it when others interfere. Won't take advice even from close people, have a very unique and personalised way of looking after themselves, as well as a unique/personalised routine. Obstacles might persist but they can't to much to these people. Skillful and quietly cunning but it's not much work.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and squeeze them in other people's eyes if needed. You gotta be selfish sometimes, what can you do. Every day is a gift and the routine is a privilge. Don't be mean about it.
Ketu in the 7th house:
Lovers and supporters. Recognize other people easily and connect to them deeply and effortlessly. Charming and genuine. Recogize the truth behind connections and human behavior, sensitive to one-on-one dynamics. Good listeners, excellent company, giving and humble but know how they gain from relationships and connections. Value harmony and conflict resolution. Naturally attune to others and find their sense of self through them. Know how and what to sacrifice for others but have strong and specific boundaries. Love has a deep meaning to them, any kind of love. Important relationships are full of intricacy and are laced with destiny.
We are parts of something bigger than us, and we all have stories to tell. Keep finding yourself through other people and keep helping others find themselves. "Karmic" ties are not punishment, they're the simple truth.
Ketu in the 8th house:
Complicted internally, don't make much of it. Each crisis is an opportunity to gain. Survival IS life. Never reveal too much of themselves and easily read others, but can be stubborn about seeings things in only their way. Incorrect judgement costs them a lot, correct judgement gives them enormous power. Struggle anyways. Casually intense. Se×ual and private. Privacy is a must. Go through a lot of pain and become savage if their privacy is invaded. Know that selfishness is very selfless. Quietly independent, confidently dependant, carefully engaging. Adaptible but out of necessity. Hide their intensity, along with other things, very well.
The complications are alright, don't be afraid of the unknown, or fear itself. It's okay to go deep, it's okay to not, it's ok to survive however it is possible for you.
Ketu in the 9th house:
Philosophy is natural. They find truth everywhere if only they detach. They seem "higher" than others, and seem to be enjoying it. Truth is simple and exhilirating for them. They need their freedom. They exude a sense of wander and assuredness. Don't really care about conventional morals as most people see them and have a hightly personal sense of right and wrong. Religion is very familiar to them, whatever it has been. Talk to "god" and "the divine" to feel comfort, might not realize it fully. Their faith has been tested and strengthened, and they themselves might have tested their own others' faith. Might feel like nobody will understand their exact beliefs, but understand others' beliefs. Even if they feel lonely sometimes, places of worship feel weirdly reasuring. Can become a little arrogant.
Your ideals are not too high and mighty. You know what you know, and you should know that you do. Not everyone can ground themselves in a grand and utopian place. Don't let possible arrogance blur or exaggerate it.
Ketu in the 10th house:
Legacy is inherited. The world can feel like their oyster. Even if not much is going well, they might feel supported by people in power, and usually, they are, even though they never really asked for it. Older people and those with more experience bring out their natural competence and maturity. Might come from a line of influence, usually from father's side. Easily gain aqcuaintances but feel like they have to work hard to gain and keep friends. Might feel like they have much to lose but don't worry about it. Family prince/princess, or people's prince/princess, but in a quiet way. Naturally self-possessed. Might feel chained by obligations.
There are those who will stand by you as you pull back and detach. When you go into the world, people see you, and you know how to act. You don't really care about your reputation, but it cares about you. Don't lose a good thing, embrace and enjoy it, because in that, you will find your truth and your power. That stability that is too familiar to you, it's a huge privilege.
Ketu in the 11th house:
Everyone's friend, everyone's confidante, one of the girls/boys. The gang is what they trust, but they don't look for the gang. The gang is just there. Friends flock to them and they welcome all, but friendships are private and their business. The kind of people that don't have to do anything for friends to find them. Might feel like they act like a constant chameleon to everyone but feel comfortable in that place. Can be too neutral to strangers, but become proud activists for causes that are close to their heart. Strongly unbiased and multi-faceted. Others feel relieved when they're around at gatherings. Can be very uncaring and dismissive, unless you are one of their people.
You're lucky with support. Even if friends have dissapointed you, you have gotten something valuable and worthy out if it. There are those that are your people, and those that aren't. Don't lose sight of that, but be honest with discerning who is who.
Ketu in the 12th house:
What really lights them is hidden and reserved only for them. Selfless like it's nothing. Deep and understanding, floating through life like a fish following their own current. They can gently hold your hand through harshest times but it's so subtle you'll barely realize you've been affected by them by the time it's almost done. When they get lost, they really get lost, and that's when and where find themselves. Hate to force things and know how to be humble. Private like no one else. If life gets too hollow they become a recluse. Nobody sees what depths they carry within at first, but some might suspect, by their restrained behavior, or by an innocent yet wise look in their eyes. They're not mad when they go into themselves, and no matter how much you try to get to them, if they can't, they won't hear you. But it does not matter. In their own way, they hear and see everyone, and through them, they see and hear themselves.
Oh, yes, confusion is huge and it seems overwhelming. You know how to find comfort in that. So many sides to life, so many truths. If others tell you you're deluded, do not forget that everyone is. When your sacrifice and martyrdom becomes too much, stay only with yourself once more.
#vedic astrology#astrology#nakshatras#astrology observations#sidereal astrology#astro notes#astrology tumblr#ketu#ketu in houses#south node
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Reading Anne Rice seems to be a constant cycle of: This is one of the best things I've ever read. This is one of the worst things I've ever read. I'm bored. I don't want to do anything else but read these books. Whatever. This is problematic and offends every minority that exists. Educate yourself. Get a job, stay way from that character! You're weird. You're a creep even by this genre standards. You're annoying. You should die. This is so unnecessary. Why, just why? Stop repeating yourself, you have said that same thing 954869048 times now. Get to the point! This is so exaggeratedly descriptive. This is so wonderfully descriptive. I can see it so vividly in my head and love it! It feels like I'm experiencing it myself and not in a good way, make it stop! Laughs. Cries. Chills. Depression! Autism! BPD! ADHD! Dyslexia! Everyone gets a DSM condition! And some that aren't even discovered yet! And they're all amplified by vampirism! Nobody gets medication or therapy, though! The Catholicism and Catholic guilt are heavy on those people. The existential crisis is real. Whoa there, great discussion. I can relate. I hate this POV. You're my favorite character. You're my favorite ship. These two should kiss. Okay, I get it, Armand is the most beautiful creature that has ever existed. This is poetry. Those two should NOT kiss. This is so creative and imaginative, I love it. You're contradicting yourself. Nevermind, it makes sense. I take it back, I like this character now? Okay, you're just making random stuff happen without any explanation at this point? I don't even know who is who or what's happening anymore. Reads page again. Are you okay? Please, do therapy, you certainly have a lot of things you need to work on. What the hell is wrong with you? Your brain is so... something. Added stuff because I had more thoughts lol.
#interview with the vampire#the queen of the damned#anne rice#the vampire chronicles#I take what I love and reject what I hate and make this mix of books/show/my AUs and prefer it that way
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How to make a powerful, hot vampire you still want to hug
Hi tumblr! I'm Cyrus Nemati, creative director at Little Bat Games, and a voice actor you might know from games likes Hades (I did the really secure guy and the really insecure guy).
We're closing in on the release of our debut title, Vampire Therapist, and based on tumblr's response in the past, I think you might be interested in seeing our creative process.
Andromachos is our 3000-year-old vampire mentor you'll meet early in Vampire Therapist. He's a complicated character: he was an assassin and warrior for most of his 3000 years, but a personal crisis put him on a voyage of self-discovery in the 1800s. Therapy never existed in his time, but as it developed, so did he. We needed a character who expressed wisdom and strength, but also gentleness and compassion. And of course, he's a vampire in a sexy vampire game. He needed to look like a Mediterranean dream.
This was our initial sketch of Andromachos by art director Ruth Bosch (https://x.com/rthbosch). As you can see, he's already oozing confident vampire energy, and he clearly has the wisdom of 3000 years. This is someone you want as your therapist. Vampire Therapist is a game with specific needs, and a certain lightheartedness is one of them. This Andromachos is very much grounded in reality, and just might be *too* realistically sexy.
This was @nomnomroko's first test render for Andromachos before joining the team. Right away, she understood the *figure* of Andromachos and poise of a man who has lived for 3000 years, but this was a more villainous (albeit super hot character). We toned him down shortly after, and brought back in some of the more grounded humanity from Ruth's initial sketch. You can make fan art of this version, though, we won't mind. This version might come back if we ever do a prequel!
Here's his toned down version, already much closer to the Andromachos we see in the final game. He's lost none of his power, but is already the welcoming presence we needed to have in Vampire Therapist.
Body language is also a key aspect of our game. In a game about therapy, we are mostly sitting, so the ways we can express emotion and intention are more subtle. You can already see the strength of Andromachos's character here.
Which takes us to our final rendering!
I love Andromachos. Or Andy, as more familiar folk call him. And I think you will, too. To me, he's a perfect synthesis between Ruth's initial rendering and Sybille's test that fits the comedic, warm, and very human tone of our game.
You can check out our game on Steam and GOG, and your wishlists will make algorithms happy. As you know, everything is algorithms! Help us make Vampire Therapist 2?
Steam:
And GOG:
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i'm...thinking about writing a book?
I mean. I feel really silly at the thought because i'm not like a scientist or anything, i'm barely at the beginning of my knowledge journey, but...being a writer was what I always wanted to do. It's what I've been doing ever since I could remember. And I'm constantly, constantly just so full of things that I want to tell the whole world. I will have a realization or idea and think, oh my god. Everyone needs to know this. But I can't tell everyone. I'm not good at talking.
I'm good at writing. But I will sit down to write a post on my silly little blog and get so overwhelmed by the SCALE of everything I want to say.
I think I've already started to write a book. I think the space for these ideas to fill is already the size of a book and it will never have any smaller of a size, and no one else will come along to write the book, and no one else CAN write the book, and IT HAS TO BE WRITTEN.
I want to write about the ways of the plants, of course. I want to teach how to transplant and how to gather seeds and the properties of keystone species...but more importantly, I want to write about how to learn the ways of the plants. I want to promote the habit of insatiable curiosity and intense observation. I want to show everyone that everything everywhere is infinitely interesting and mysterious, and if you pay attention to the plants, they will teach you.
I want to write about Symbiosis. I want to write about how we are connected to every other thing, how we have our own ecological niche as Caretakers, and our own special adaptations of curiosity and love. I want to write about how the ecosystem needs us to participate in it, not to cut ourselves off from it, and how our powerful influence on ecosystems can be for good or for bad. We are not a disease. We are a Keystone Species.
I want to discourage this Euro-centric idea that sees humans as separate, and recommend more reading from indigenous points of view that understands ecosystems better and sees humans as participants in nature, engaging in a reciprocal symbiotic relationship. I want to speak against all this talk about removing humans from half of the Earth or reducing the human population, and show other people that despair and fear make you paralyzed and powerless, but hope is powerful.
The most important and powerful thing you can do for your ecosystem is to love it. It is necessary to have hope for the future—to learn to imagine a future of restoration and renewal, and to build community with other people working toward that future.
If we don't imagine a future for our ecosystems, imagine them boldly and audaciously in ways that feel crazy and impossible, those futures will not happen. But just the act of saying, "This WILL happen. We WILL be okay." gives you the strength and energy to fight and it gives you the creativity to come up with solutions you never could have thought of before.
And I feel I have to explain, how did I end up listening to plants? And how did the teachings become so important that I had to write about them? There's this black, swallowing abyss underpinning all of who I am, some intimation of a reality so terrible the human spirit breaks beneath it. I had a mental health crisis back in 2021 where I was pulled deep into that abyss, and when I started rescuing little plants and caring for them, I was basically re-learning how to be human.
I feel like I was seeking answers to "How am I supposed to live in this world?" in the natural world because the human world of poetry and books and articles and think-pieces had utterly failed me in that regard. I had taken multiple poetry classes where I had read all the best contemporary poems, and all the poets just wrote flat, plodding, blunt descriptions of their trauma and despair. Nothing is wrong with these topics, but the worst part was how these authors didn't even take themselves seriously; they had to be detached and ironic about their own pain, like a snarky dystopian novel hero who jokes casually about the horrific reality they live in so the reader knows that this reality is normal and unremarkable to them—and even more importantly, that the hero is ironic and cool instead of responding in a vulnerable, human way.
And speaking of dystopian novels...there were a lot of those! It was like all the visions of the future I had read were dystopian. Even I had been writing a dystopian novel. But I realized that I wasn't wise enough to tell that story yet. I didn't know why at first. But then, as I was reading everything people were writing about climate change, I began to realize.
I saw a lot of patterns between the way people wrote about climate change and the tendencies of self-harm and self-defeat that gnawed inside me. Suicide was something that I had never struggled against, but I understood that suicide was only the most striking manifestation of a self-annihilating way. Sometimes you feel like by hurting yourself, you are being transgressive, exercising autonomy against an absolute, crushing reality. It doesn't have to be physical hurt; it can just be deciding no one will like you and denying yourself love, or thinking "Well, there's no use hoping for anything good to happen."
This is how people talk about climate change. They fantasize about extreme, horrific scenarios and talk as if the Earth is already dead and destroyed, and they talk about humans hatefully and as if they were a disease, and then congratulate themselves for seeing how bad it REALLY is instead of being in denial. It is easy for people to get attached to this and even get mad when someone suggests there might be hope, simply because self-harm can be very psychologically reinforcing.
It is common to call these responses "climate grief." But as I came into this very simple and quiet yet profound encounter with Nature, she had an answer to this philosophy that was perfectly gentle and placid and yet caustic enough to strip paint:
"HOW CAN YOU WISH FOR THE STRENGTH TO GRIEVE THE EARTH, WHEN YOU WERE NEVER STRONG ENOUGH TO LOVE IT?"
I realized, with a breaking heart, that I had always hated and resented my back yard and my home town, because it was an ugly place that seemed to me "Already destroyed," and my soul ached for woods and wilderness.
It had taken me 20 years to fully admit my love of nature, because I felt like there was no point in acting upon it—everything would get destroyed anyway.
I had not been brave enough to love the woods across the road, the creeks and the hills, because they were so fragile in a world that didn't respect them, they could be destroyed by some housing development at any time. So I just accepted that it was already a lost cause.
But it was time to be brave enough—not to accept despair, but to choose hope.
To grow up, first we had to become strong and get rid of silly beliefs like hope and fairness and love. But now, we have to become even stronger and start believing in those things again.
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