#I'm going to throw up WHY CAN'T ANY LOSERS IN ANY OF MY FANDOMS EVER RESIST CORRUPTION GOD 😒🙄

[romaritimeharbor]

"the five sinners of khaenri'ah"

...

you know who those mfs look like lowkey?

LOOK 🗣❗️❗️❗️

[loungingbear]

I hope someday, I can live without fearing I've said something wrong, that every choice I make is a mistake, not to be called a victim. I feel like a fucking loser for not letting go of shit that's been long over, for over half of my life span. I hate that I feel like my pain isn't valid. I've had to grow up with an alchoholic mother and a drug addict father that didn't give enough of a damn about their son. I had to grow up masking around a shitty crowd of people that were my only chance of not feeling alone, even in that shitty racist hell hole of a town. Having to know my father is in jail as I graduated. Being left alone somewhere because dad decided to get drunk and just throw me anywhere. Better than when I have to sit alone in the dark and wait for a mother to return because I can't stay at my grandparents because my drunken father nearly assaulted me, again. Having to run to a friends house to call the police to because I was afraid he'd hurt my mom. The same mother who took in a dangerous piece of shit, who constantly harassed me along with his children. Growing up having to constantly leave home, because dad is drinking again. Coming home to blood in the carpet and a gun on the couch, but having to get ready and dressed for school. Having brothers and sisters that don't give a rats ass about you, hating you because "your parents love you more." If you wanted their fucking love, you could have had it. Cutting off all of them now so I can have a bit of brevity. But at least I had friends during all this time right? My best friend set me up with someone who's homophobic, almost outed me to my parents via valentines grams at my school and constantly harassed me until I was finally out of school. Only one person from that town, I still care about, and I probably won't ever see her again. But at least online was alright though right? No, ontop of everyhing, online I was stupidly trying to make friends with people, falling in with people who turned out to be gross fucking people of the furry fandom. If anyone knows of the names, Tamias6, Skorksis, Tanookicatoon. It fucking sucks growing up knowing what's right, when you see the cracks in the people who you thought you could FINALLY FUCKING TRUST. AND YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT SAFE FOR YOU, OR ANYONE. But really, nothing tops Tokimasu Blazer. Imagine, you find a group of friends you finally feel at home with, you get close to someone specific in the group. They pretend they've killed themselves. And now you have to sit there while everyone else freaks out. And what would you do? I told everyone the truth. Tokimasu came back, miffed that he couldn't just slink off. Now threatening suicide for real. It's too the point I can hardly talk about my feeling anymore, this being here, is a fucking miracle I was able to say any of this. I never feel like I can ever get any sort of break. All I've ever felt like I've had in life, is to lose everything I thought I'd hold dear, for all of it to ALWAYS fall apart. Even friendships that felt stable, I've watched people just grow and leave, knowing them before their current sonas even. I don't even know where to go from here anymore, my whole life is a fucking mess and I have no idea how to.. do anything about it. I'm trying to do therapy, but my first.. legitimate checkup in probably a decade is in November. Going to try and get to therapy or something. At this point, I'm just a hermit, curled up in my room, self medicating, just hoping things will get better. But the way I look outside and here the news, I feel like the world is going to end this year. Probably why I took the time to type this out, because I have so little hope anymore for anything.