#I'm going insane in my self made avoid using the internet for long periods of time for a few days cage

[random-kido]

Genuinely feel like I'm going to start vibrating out of my skin due to sheer excitement because the movie is just *making grabby hands*

It's right there. I can feel it.

[rosesinmars]

In These Walls, Colson Baker, MGK

It was hard.

It was always hard.

It was hard at the begin, when you two were hanging out with the homies and you had to pretend that you were just friends.

It was hard when he was touring around the world, and you at home, missing him with every inch of your soul.

It was hard seeing him party like hell with all those groupies like he didn't care about you at all.

So I admit I took advantage of your precious time, I admit I took advantage of you every night that I was on the road, even at home I wouldn't do you right I'll admit it

But nothing was as hard as when you break up with him. You loved him with all your being, you still did and you knew you would always. Your heart never broke as much as when you saw him crying when you told him it was over. You couldn't bare to see him cry, it wasn't like him to cry, and all that you wanted was to run into his arms and tell him that it would all be alright. But you couldn't, not if you still wanted to preserve that little bit of self love you still manage to have.

Colson was the love of your life and you did believe that you two would be forever, you knew he was the one, but you couldn't bare to see him destroy himself slowly, you tried your best to help him, but no one can help someone who don't want to be helped.

You said even if it took forever, that me and you would be together and I never thought that you would lie

You threw yourself into the depths of sadness after your break up, and the fact that none of your friends knew that you two had been in a relationship, just made the things worst, because you had no one to talk about it. And to get things even worst - if possible - the whole world was shouting warning signs and suddenly an endless quarantine period was all over us, and now locked up in your house, Colson wouldn't leave your mind.

And if it wasn't enough, the universe decided to make more fun of you by putting Colson constantly on all of your timelines on all social media platforms with his damned Lockdown Sessions. And they were damn good. You watched all of them, everyday. You missed him so bad.

I feel you in these walls, you're a cold air creeping in, chill me to my bones and skin

There wasn't a day of his session you would miss, you heard his Misery Business cover, the Smoke and Drive, the Oasis cover with Dom, What's Popping, and by the time he put Pretty Toxic Revolver out, you told yourself it was enough. You were down, and going as down as it was possible and keep relying on the past was just make you more insane if possible. After that one, you tried to avoid internet, or better saying, every damn technological thing.

I heard you down the hall, but it's vacant when I'm looking in. Oh, who let you in?

The days went by and you try to do everything that you enjoyed in order to keep your mind busy and far away from him. You painted, you wrote, you cooked, anything that came to your mind.

I caught you walking straight through my walls, guess it was all my fault. I think I let you in

But you wonder how long would your "so-called peace" last. Even though you were taking some rest from technology you would still text your homies from time to time, just to let them know that you were still alive. But a then you got a call from your bestie Mod, one that was poorly healthy for your soul.

Mod was beyond happy, even for himself. He was finally putting his new music out, and it was just a three days waiting now. You were happy for him, but then he asked that damned question, the one that broke you on the inside.

"We are going to Colson's tomorrow's, birthday surprise! Are you coming?"

What could you say? Sure as hell you couldn't go, see him in person was more than you could handle right know, or ever for what matters. But you couldn't surely come up with some lame excuse, you were locked up in your house, like a couple of miles away from them. So you said, "of course, I will be there". But there was no way you would. Whatever what questions they would all have about you not showing up, you could just avoid them all. Quarantine privileges.

What a fuckin' childish behaviour, you thought, ashamed of yourself.

And then you remembered the present you had ordered for him when you two were still together, already thinking about his birthday. It was something meaningful and that would have to take some time in order to be prepared in the day. You completely forgot to cancel it after the break up. You then found yourself going to pick up the damn present, you couldn't forgive yourself if you didn't, even not together now, Colson meant too much to you.

His birthday finally came, and you put together the rest of your decency to call Mod and tell him that you weren't going because you weren't feeling quite well, but if he could still go throw your house.

And he did. You gave him Colson's present and asked him to take it to him and so he did, and you went inside again, with tears in your eyes.

You turned the internet on again, after some weeks away from it, and were right away welcomed with a twitter notification from Colson, from the day before:

"it's my birthday tomorrow but it doesn't feel like it.."

You felt your weak heart aching. You wish you could just be with him, cuddle him, run back to him. And then the Lockdown Session popped up as well.

"this one is called "In These Walls" 💔" he wrote in his instagram post, and immediately you listened Lynn Gunn's voice singing one of yours favourite songs ever, and you couldn't help to listening it to until end.

By the end of the song, you couldn't even breathe. Tears were streaming down your face and you couldn't find a way to control your sobs. He looked so down. First you felt a tearing sadness taking hold of you but as the song started to play again, the lyrics starting to settle in the back of your head, you started to feel angry. Without realising, you were grieving your relationship, and going through all the stages, and this one was clearly promising to be far beyond calm. And so you fell in the mistake of texting him.

You said I never wrote a song for you, so I hope this one is haunting you

.・。.・♪♩♬ ♪

Mod arrived to Colson's house at the same time as all the others that wasn't already there. Holding a small birthday cake in one hand and trying really hard to not break whatever was in that goddamn big and heavy box that his best friend had ask him to gave Colson.

Mod wished happy birthday to his other best friend and hugged him with all the happiness in the world, God knew how much he missed him. After everyone present wished an happy dirty thirty to the birthday boy, the one and only blowed the candles on his pink cake and silently begged for his birthday wish to come true.

With no possibilities of throwing a party all together, all the homies returned to their own houses, and Mod took the change to finally do what his best friend asked him to.

"She couldn't make it, but she asked me to give you this." Mod told Colson right before going back to his house.

A shiver went through all his body as soon Mod spoke those words, but he kept it cool. He said goodbye to his friend and went inside with the present. Should he sent a thank you to her? Would it be okay or weird? But if he didn't, it would be impolite, right?

Who was he trying to fool? She remembered. She bought something for him, he didn't even knew what was, but his heart was somehow harm but still in pain.

Colson grabbed his phone to sent her a message, but when he did, he found one of her already there.

"Wish granted" it said.

Colson looked confused at his phone, the silly thought of his birthday wish on his mind. He had wish for her to talk with him again, but could it really be?

He took upon himself to call her. Only one single try, if he would be lucky enough, she would answer it.

And it was, or at least so he thought.

- Hey, I called you to...

- What the fuck is wrong with you?! — she cut his words, her voice sounding broken. She was crying, there were no doubts.

Colson hold his breath without even nothing, that was completely unexpected.

- I... — he tried, not actually knowing how to finish that sentence.

- That fuckin' song! How could you? — she shouted. — You... Like you are being through something! You really be there fuckin' pretending that it's all my fault, aren't you?!

- What song? — Colson said as calm as he could.

- The Pvris one! — she kept shouting at him. — "Cause he killed all the other girls in the damn frame for a queen that he never realized had fangs"?! You know what? Fuck you, Colson Baker! — she said right before hanging up on him.

He threw his phone in the damn sofa, taking his hair in his hands in a desperate movement. Of course that somehow he had to make things with her even worst than it was already.

The present was still in front of him, unopened, like some cursed box. With his wrecked heart in his hands, he forced himself to open the present, and when he finally did, he couldn't believe in his own eyes. Right inside that big box was a guitar. His favourite type, a ES-335, Gibson. A pink one.

He took it out of the box in wonder, but his surprise was to find a inscription on its back.

"By your side forever, even if it's in your Downfall"

He felt tears forming on his eyes. He felt so broken without her, he couldn't be himself without her by his side. He wasn't he if she wasn't there. Even after all that time apart from her, he could still see her face every damn time he closed his eyes.

I can see your face, man I feel insane

Colson tried to call her again, but she wouldn't answer and he couldn't no longer leave the things as they are. He wouldn't handle it.

Don't think for a minute I'ma let you convince me that what we started is finished, or for a second that I wouldn't take a bullet to the head for you, paint the bottom of my floor red for you

He grab a damn skate and made his way to her house, he jumped the front gate of her house like he did many nights when they were still together and then he knocked in her front door. He knocked so damn much and hard that his knuckles were starting to get red. He would stay there all day and night if it needed. He wouldn't leave without talking with her.

She still had tears in her eyes when she answered the door, and when she saw Colson, one more fell from her eyes. She tried to close the door, not wanting to talk or see him in that moment, but he slipped a foot in, stoping her of closing the door on his face.

He forced himself through her towards the inside of the house.

- Please. — it was all that he managed to whisper as he place his hands in her face.

- Colson... — she started, her voice completely broken at the sight of tears in the love of her life's eyes.

- I beg you... — he insisted, pulling her to him, wrapping her in a hug so tight that could crash their bones, and she started to cry, and felt him doing the same.

Never thought that I would feel like this, such a mess when I'm in your presence

It's bitter how you could be in the place where you most wanted to be and still feel yourself as much broken as you could be.

Colson tighten even more the embrace, and you two just stood there crying, trying to heal the wounds left by the time you were apart from each other, in each other's arms.

26.Apr.20