#I'm going be contrary and make myself a grilled cheese

[lindyloosims]

I offered to sleep on the couch but Kim was having none of it. She said she didn't want to be alone. I offered to make her dinner but she said she wasn't hungry, she felt sick, all this worry over where she's going to live. I wondered if that was a hint to move in here with me...

Even though I barely know her, I do care for Kim, I don't just sleep with anyone contrary to my rough appearance, I'm not a dick! I had two girlfriends in high school and only slept with one of them, so Kim is my second "intimate partner". I may have got carried away with the whirlwind but I don't regret a thing, I just need to take every day as it comes and be true to her and to myself!

Hunger is a problem, but the more I earn, the better food I can cook! So today I've opted for grilled cheese sandwiches!

I'm feeling moody though, dunno if it's the hunger but I'm really annoyed! My cooking skill is at level 2 so I can make some decent meals without burning anything, yay me!

I'm getting the weird sensation of being watched, is it all in my head? Or is someone spying on me?

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[lemonflowercat]

75 soft: day 7

[x] morning yoga

i woke up feeling terrible about my body, and even yoga couldn't shake off the insecurity. in the spirit of acceptance and gratitude for what i have, i photographed myself as an act of self love. here's some me

[x] midday wxo

did a v fun animal flow/primal movement wxo! without even trying, it truly felt like play and not about perfecting the movement/how many reps i get in.

[x] meditate

[x] study 6h: 3h

didn't get much studying done, but i'm letting this week go by. i feel really weird emotionally and if a break is what my brain is feeling like, i'll give it to her.

[x] eat nutrient focused meals mindfully, whenever i'm hungry - until i'm just enough full

not counting calories is freeing and terrifying at the same time. i'm still using my meal tracker - but instead of using it as a log of calories consumed, i've decided to use it as a meal planning tool, to make sure i'm getting my macros in.

today i ate

- a spinach and cheese omelet for breakfast

- mango lassi for my morning snack

- lunch was disproportionately delicious to the time it took to put together: stir fried veg, boiled noods, a blended sauce of peanut butter, tahini, tofu, garlic, soy sauce and chili flakes, topped with a fried egg

- in the evening A and i tried out this new chai place that's opened nearby: masala chai, some chicken popcorn and half a grilled veg sandwich. verdict: overpriced chain store, would not do it again (except maybe for the masala chai)

- A and i fought during dinner time but that didn't stop me from enjoying my chicken masala takeaway with a homemade roti and a chikkoo milkshake

75 soft: break day

lemonflowercat from a few days back would call today a "cheat day" - and that's a concep i've decided to throw out the window.

i was a big proponent of cheat days - believing them to be a day that "fires up" my metabolism and gives me a break from restrictive eating so that the urge to binge doesn't build up. but when i look back at it now, i think these cheat days have done me more damage than harm.

first off, i'm questioning the concept of a cheat day doing anything for your metabolism. BMR isn't something that changes drastically over a day, it's a state of homeostasis that the body settles down on based on what i'm doing most days. which, when calorie restricting, is limiting the amount of fuel i'm giving my body - so naturally, my BMR slows down to conserve energy.

things that i can do to boost my metabolism are:

- build muscle, stay active

- eat more protein because digesting requires more energy

- eat to support my gut microbiome by eating variety of whole foods over processed foods, and making pre- and pro-biotics a priority

- supporting my hormone levels by sleeping well, having a regular meal schedule, making sure i'm getting necessary vitamins and minerals from my diet (NOT FROM SUPPLEMENTS - but let's save that for another time) and movement

at least for me, cheat days haven't helped at all in stopping me from bingeing - in fact, it's the contrary. by telling myself i can indulge guilt-free on one day a week/on a special occasion, i've fueled the food scarcity mentality in me - making me feel out of control around indulgence and treats.

i have to finish that bag of chips on said cheat day, i have to stuff myself with as much of my favourite high calorie meals all in one day. and if, god forbid, i end up indulging in one of these treats on a day that's not "a cheat day", well - the whole day has to be a cheat day now, doesn't it? because such food is only eaten on cheat days! - also the guilt when i slip up this way. oof. the guilt is enough to set me off on another week of bingeing.

by deciding to rid myself of this concept all together, i've now freed myself to eat whatever i want, whenever i want. just knowing i can do this makes me feel so relaxed around triggering foods too - i know i can eat chips any time i feel like it, so i don't have to finish this bag right away. i know we can order in fried chicken and burgers any time i feel like it, so i don't need to fit it into my cheat day along with puri bhaji for breakfast, a fish thali for lunch, a mirchi pav for evening snack and a chocolate pastry for dessert post dinner. if i've eaten an ice cream in the afternoon because it was so hot, i haven't "fallen off the wagon" and now need to eat biryani and kabab for dinner.

and most importantly, i don't feel like an absolute shitty gluttonous person for just. eating. a food. i like.

anyway - that's the end of my tirade. i had a v cute day! i started with some yoga, and then made myself some French toast with strawberry compote.

lunch was leftover chicken masala, mango salad, roti and this amazing new leaf i discovered - so the other day, while at the market, i noticed some greens i've never eaten before, and i bought them. i boiled them and blended them, because i think it's one of the best ways to really get acquainted with the individual unique flavour of veggies. and omg i absolutely love it! i've never had anything like it before - it's sour, bitter, but also kinda umami? it's so good, i think it's going to go really well in dal and i can't wait to make that next week.

i didn't study today, although i did intend to. A was home early from work and we just spent time fixing our fight. hehe. i love him :3 we got a lot of random chores done together and then my friends came over in the evening. we spent our time woodcutttingg 'TWAS SO FUN! although i picked a v intricate design without realising how my noob at this art form-self is going to have such a hard time carving it out. i hope i finish it tho. :')

then we went out for dinner to this chotu Marathi restaurant nearby. all of their food is SO spicy (true Marathi style), but also so good. here's my chicken thali. the white thing in the bowl is my absolute favourite - it's chicken rassa, basically a lightly spiced bone broth. this was the first time i had it, and um can't wait to make this at home! such a summer dish.

also ate some ice cream and went to bed happy and feeling loved.