#I'm getting very emotional about hole songs recently

[wednesdaythesecond]

Doll Parts is a girl Mikey song,,,,

[therealsaintscully]

Thank you for the tag, lovely @crepesuzette2023! It's been nice to take some time to think about my fics!

How many works do you have on ao3?

20; 18 are Johnlock (BBC) and two, the most recent ones, are mclennon.

What’s your total word count?

306,378 (I was stunned to see this, I had no idea).

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

All are Johnlock: Mark Your Calendars, my beloved Erosion, Detours, Plus One and Turned - Part I : Queen and Country.

Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

I try to be very good about it and respond as often as I can, but the truth is I'm a bit of an emotional wreck so when there's a rush of comments I get overwhelmed and over emotional about them, and tend to put it off for a while. I read them ALL, and I often go back and re-read them.

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I had to refresh my memory but it's def Every Other Universe ("What if in every other universe John Watson leaves?"). It's one of my very earliest ones and I cringe a little reading it, but it's a very neat idea. Gretna Green Waltz, a mclennon fic, is very devastating if I may say so myself, and was written as such knowingly. It only reflects reality, though, and that's just as devastating.

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I think Mark Your Calendars has the happiest ending, judging by the numbers of kudos, but for me as the writer, the cosiest, most joy-bringing ending was that of Simon (or: Love Calls You by Your Name).

Do you write crossovers?

The sadly abandoned Turned series is a crossover with Homeland.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not hate, but some less-than-considerate "when's the next chapter???" comments. I don't bother with them.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes I do :)

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Don't think so!

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I remember being asked, but I'm not sure what happened with it! Some of my fics got podficced, though: Mark Your Calendars is available as podfic, and so is I Have not Lingered (thanks to the lovely @helloliriels)

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I'm so neurotic and particular I don't think I'm cut out for that.

What's your all-time favourite ship?

Mulder and Scully are DEFINITELY the mothership and always will be. I still sigh about them in a special, exasperated way about three times a week. I'm still here with Johnlock of course, but I'm pretty sure mclennon has been in the back of my mind for decades, but I was too haunted by other ships to fall down that rabbit hole. Look at me, though, here I am.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Turned, very sadly. So much so that I've considered taking it off AO3 but I'm so proud of what I did achieve with it.

What are your writing strengths?

I think my best writing moments are the ones that hook unto my real, personal experiences, not just a general idea of life situations. Erosion is based on my own personal grief and family losses, and Gretna Green Waltz is a retelling of my biggest heartache. I have noticed readers can tell when you're really putting your heart into a story.

What are your writing weaknesses?

English isn't my first language, which means I have to rely on betas which for me sadly slows me down - I want to be able to just write them and post them otherwise I overthink. I'm also a screenwriter irl, and I noticed a pattern that is another weakness - I always have banger openings, or first acts to my stories/screenplays, but sometimes I don't know the ending and I get lost and hesitant. That's why Gretna Green Waltz was SUCH a surprise - much like Junk, the song that haunts Paul throughout the fic, came to him in one piece, GGW landed in my head as a full story. I wrote it in TWO WEEKS! That NEVER happened before!

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It really depends on how it's done. If it's 2-3 sentences and they're simple I assume the readers will Google Translate it. Jinglebell stands out as someone who did it really well in multi-chapter fic that's all about Sherlock discovering that John is a polyglot, so it can be done well.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Johnlock (for which I started writing during covid in 2020), although as a reader it was TXF, back in in 90s and early 2000s.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

The X-Files. I've had a Scully character study in my head for years that I just can't get right.

What's your favourite fic you've written?

With Johnlock it would have to be the now-abandoned Turned, and mclennon it would be Gretna Green Waltz. I am very proud of both.

Tagging @menlove, @discordantwords, @saint-mona, @totallysilvergirl @m1ssunderstanding @slippinmickeys @kettykika78 @agrlsname @arwamachine @calaisreno @aggressivewhenstartled and anyone who sees this who wants to participate :)

[thebeanofdoom]

Spreading the SoapGaz agenda

I've noticed a critical lack of SoapGaz content in the CoD fandom so I'm determined to fill that hole myself, even if it takes me ages. So, here, have some headcanons that I've made up in my little gremlin brain.

Gaz was the first to fall in love with Soap and he realized it while watching the Scot try and balance various items on a sleeping Price's hat without waking him up

Soap on the other hand didn't realize he was in love with his best friend until said best friend almost took another tumble out of a chopper if Soap hadn't lurched forward and pulled him back by the front of his vest, toppling them both back onto the floor of the chopper and making Gaz land on top of him

Cue the gay panic of having our pretty boy Gaz right on top of him, add to that a big dose of adrenaline and Gaz thanking him in a breathless voice and there you have it: one gay as hell Scotsman by the name of Soap McTavish

Neither of them wanted to confess for fear of ruining their friendship, but Gaz especially had a problem keeping his feelings for the Scot under wraps so he went to Price to rant and rave about how "He smiled at me when we sparred and it was so worth the fist to the jaw"

Price doesn't get paid enough to deal with this

It all ends when Soap forgets one of his journals on a table in their rec room, going off to do sth else and Gaz walked in and saw it

Now, usually Gaz would never look at Soap's journal without his express permission but the Scot had been extremely jumpy lately, whenever Gaz got too close to him while he was sketching Lord knows what, so he was a lot tiny bit curious

He quickly checked if anyone was around before picking the journal up and it flipped open on the most recent drawing

Gaz froze when he saw himself on the page, a simple black and white pencil drawing of his face in various angles, smiling, frowning, concentrated

Was this how Soap saw him? And then he noticed something scribbled at the bottom of the page and his heart damn near beat out of his chest

There, at the bottom of the page were what seemed to be song lyrics: All my emotions feel like explosions when you are around

"Gaz?" Said man startled as he heard Soap's voice behind him. He didn't even try to hide the journal in his hand, his heart almost beating out of his chest as he turned to the man of his affections

Soap's gaze dropped to the journal in Gaz' hand, specifically what page the other man had been looking at and flushed a very attractive shade of red

Soap tried to get out some kind of explanation but he didn't get far before Gaz stepped closer in big strides, grabbed the Scot by the shirt and pulled him into a kiss

"I like you too," Gaz murmured after they broke apart, resting their foreheads against each other and gazing into each other's eyes

"That's what I was hoping this kiss meant," Soap smiled

After that they became the sickeningly sweet couple that would give anyone diabetes from how disgustingly cute they were together (Ghost's words)

Price was just glad he didn't have to listen to Gaz rant about Soap's stupid mohawk that "the fucker somehow managed to pull off" or how sexy the Scot looked while lifting weights

To get revenge Price sat them all down and proceeded to pull out a safe sex lecture, including a powerpoint and free condoms

"No! Absolutely the fuck not! I got the talk from mah father once, never again!" Soap yelled, cherry red in the face and dragged a similarly mortified Gaz out of the room with him while Ghost cackled like a madman (he did grab the free condoms on the way out though :))

So, this kind of ran away with me and turned into more of a "getting together" ficlet but oh well, what can you do. I hope you liked it and if you got any other ideas for short fics, headcanons or otherwise CoD related shenanigans, come yell at me in my asks

[fetabathwater]

slides in here 🧎‍♂️ Fans, Baby, Wild card!

questions here!

This got so long I had to stop myself finally.

Fans: How is their relationship with their fans? Do they go out of their way to interact? 

Look, Jennifer Lamb is a category 5 hurricane of emotion on the average day, but something about the fans just twinges something in her brain. In the small bars, yeah she'd be more than happy to sit around the bar later, chatting with the ones who'd hung around, let them buy her a beer or two, and go on her way. Sign some things, and y'know throwing out the usual guitar picks and broken drumsticks to the local small crowd. Discounting shirts and homemade merch at a bar while they were one of the bands to float through the night. Maybe throwing everything in a free tote bag that has a scribbled logo. Especially as favours to any bar owners who let them in, then it'd probably get a lil more of a personal touch especially if they had kids of their own who were fans and/or they were fans themselves, then it would still largely be merch. More or less short circuits her because people like the band. And Her. And the Music. And they want to HAVE something of hers. Wild.

But her interaction with fans is actually her being an absolute nutjob and trawling fansites. Most of her private life has already ended up online or splashed across local magazines, especially because of the very public fight/breakup with Seven, and then recently finding out from Maya that the number one fansite is run by a teenager… it's quite accessible in the worst way. Jen is super interested in reading fansites, just to see what they've posted/what they know. The kind of manic 'I should be sleeping 3am but I'm on wikipedia energy' but instead she's going down a rabbit hole of her own history, especially when people still keep up photos of Seven in the band - and she fucking loves polls. (Jen you would've loved og gossip girl fr). Definitely has made a throwaway account on a forum more than once (she forgets the password not long after making an account) and like. Loves to deep dive on timelines and people breaking down the meaning in her songs. She is that one person who responds to the song meanings like 'its about having sex relax its not that deep' and then is like. Told she's wrong and banned. Also it's so funny for her, when she's wrangled into appearing on their social media, to drop like some batshit insane comment or demo, and then has her little 1 hour scroll through these people going bananas. She has a few favourite accounts bookmarked, even. Stupid head.

Sheenas as the fan name for her came about after one of Jen's first solo covers (pre-breakup actually) was her doing 'Sheena Is A Punk Rocker', but also dressed like Sheena, Queen of the Jungle from the comics, at a Halloween party for the local crowd, and it kind of stuck... she only found out why recently from Maya. So not only is she like, confused anyway, but then she's like doing maths about when this kid would've seen that video. Did they see all of it? Should she check what versions were uploaded? Can she get a copy?

But essentially she's now very much publicly in the space of actually having Orion largely coach her through interactions because... she's floundering. Literally becomes a publicist's wet dream with how she can get the smiles and the eyes and the hand movements, and mostly manages to not let her mouth run, but it's like she needs to be micromanaged because this is no longer the comfortable small bar shit she loves and wants to go back to. Even before ending up on the TV, really. A lot of the focus is also on (pretty much) deflecting questions about Seven, but in particular the like months following it all. There was one very salty former fan who took it quite personally and just missed Jen's eye with a pin (that they actually had handed out at one gig many moons before). And her pre-pin incident comments about him weren't even bad! People just lost their marbles.

She did actually set up a PO Box at one point, with the intent of people sending fanmail to because she has a soft spot for handwritten letters, but it hasn't been advertised since the pin incident. Superfans may know about it, but Jen also hasn't checked it in years.

Baby: How do they feel about Jazzy leaving? How are they coping? What are their plans to stay in touch?

I looked back on my answer for this and. Okay no, we're changing our tune a bit.

Whilst Jen is happy for her, and knows that fundamentally Jazzy wanted something different from her life than Jen did... a part of her resents that Jazzy was able to walk away. And it's not even resenting Jazz! Realistically, it's easier to think that, even for Jen, that she's just so mad that even after everything, Jazz is able to walk away with the house and the husband and the white picket fence (not really but y'know). Those are also just like little bitey thoughts that plague her and make her do the what-if spirals that always end up "why didn't I just walk away, too?" because Jen doesn't even know if she wants any of the other things, anyway.

So Jen's coping is like correlation and causation type scale nonsense going on, especially with choosing to tour with Soft Violence, the way Jazzy reacted, even, and she's like. In such a place where she doesn't even know if she wants to reach out, keep updated and update Jazz, etc, etc. Because she also absolutely loves Jazz, and is so happy for her, and honestly wants to be there with her through this rollercoaster she's about to get on, because it's Jazzy. It's Jazzy. And god, she misses her so much already.

Wild card: Tell us something about your MC! Feel free to really just roll us over with an emotional steamroller and crush the souls out of our bodies, if you’d like. (You’re also welcome to choose one of the other questions to answer!)

Only other tattoo is the one on her lower stomach (Medusa head) (yeah that got repurposed sry Harper I'm doing smth else with you) but she absolutely loves the awful jokes she can make about it when people react after seeing it for the first time. "If someone is getting to a point where they can see it, [she] definitely knows that something turned to stone."

Jen does not understand how her putting on her glasses and Depression Greys™ makes her like. Walk around Clark Kent style. Fascinates her and compels her to try to do stupid shit with it.

This combined with her absolute inability to understand nor use social media has compelled some to see her as a #cryptid, which just further confuses her. She's seen her face on a post. She knows it exists. Yes she knows the name of the app? (don't embarrass her, man, there's hot people here)

Oh! And combining this with her Average Voice Resting Time™, where she's Clark Kent-ed out, wheat bagged and this close to just turning into a burrito, she uses a small whiteboard to talk. She's quite verbose, unfortunately.

Her fave flower is Queen Anne's Lace, because its a complex lil flower made up of dozens of others, and at the centre is a tiny lil red bud. The apparent story for it's naming is a provocation of Queen Anne to make a more complex lace flower than another king's wife, and in doing so she pricked her finger, so a little droplet of blood landed in the middle. There's also a poem! It's also for safety and refuge, because it turns inwards and seemingly 'dies' when it is actually ready to grow. Also attracts wasps lmao. It's commonly mistaken for baby's breath, which is everlasting love… which isnt wrong for Jen either, however it is that inward protection. At the centre of it all, there is a burst of colour, and she wants to protect it… the internalisation of it all.

During high school, she ran one of those ‘Ask Annie’ columns in the school paper. Her advice was ridiculous, and it was really well received even if she was pulling answers out of thin air. She's not sure if anyone cracked that it was her.

It did lead her to testing out some situations on people before answering, even. Or outright going 'hey if xyz happened do you think doing abc would work'. She wasn't even trying to be subtle by the end.

Jen has a pet bearded dragon. Named Lizanardo Da Vinci.

Just like how she has Vlad the Impala

Was voted most likely to date a rockstar. Made out with her own mirror image in response.

Turns out she’s got a real knack for maths. No one knows where it came from. Jen was one of those 'coasted through on C+/B-' kind of students. But no one is ever ready for the quick maths.

The first time Jen went in to get contacts, and was trying to put them in, and her arm was weirdly angled and the optometrist was patient but it freaked her out to think about putting something basically on her eye. Seven kind of like, went through the motions with her until she was comfortable.

He still has the pair of glasses that were always left in the right side pocket of his jacket. The case is worn and faded and cracked and still has all the stickers and scribbles on them, but the frames are still fine, lenses are only a check or two old, but Jen never knew how to ask for them back.

With Seven, especially when they were much younger, watching scary movies was such a big deal and like they were breaking the rules at sleepovers, even if it meant they were literally terrified. For days. It became "their thing" and especially as they got older with rewatches and marathons, and then the band, and eventually dating, the inside jokes were always there. Sometimes, they even used it as bad flirting, which weird people out just as much, if not more, than the fact that they were attached at the hip. Jen hasn't even looked at one of those movies since, and deleted OSTs, etc, off of any and all things.

Is a big fan of meditation because a girl sometimes has a lot of pent up energy and just wailing on the mic doesn't cut it. Quiet time, Jen is in her attempt at a lotus position.

[valeriianz]

About Me Books

Rules: 10 (non-ancient) books for people to get to know you better, or that you just really like. (what classifies as "non-ancient"? lol)

tagged by @mathomhouse-e @academicblorbo and @seiya-starsniper

ahhh i'm not as big into reading as i used to be :') not sure if i can find 10 books to define me... but i'll try my best. here's a list of books that made me sit down for a while and/or yell about online...

Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. anyone looking to get a little insight to the restaurant industry from the POV of a chef, this is the book for you. it's gritty and real and all narrated by Bourdain's dry, dirty, and dark humor. it's an easy read and for someone like me (who can't really stand kitchen TV shows or movies because that's the life i live) it is actually palatable and i really liked it.

We Play Ourselves by Jen Silverman. i only recently read this book last year and it blew me away. it is everything i want in a character story. it follows a young, bi woman, who's an up and coming play writer in NYC. she had done something so terrible she ran away to California to squat on an old friend's couch. while she's there, she meets with a woman who's shooting a documentary and while the protag gets involved and helps out, she realizes that it's... not a good situation. all the while hints are dropped about what she did in New York and-- its very relatable to me personally: running away from your problems, thinking if you bury it and dont talk about it, it will go away. distracting yourself into something else but it digs up old ghosts and forces you to make an uncomfortable decision... but its ultimately good for your growth and maturity. it's a fantastic read if you like character stories.

The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. read this book February last year and once i was finished, immediately fell into the deep, dark hole that was Greek Mythology (i never was properly taught about the myths. i was assigned the Iliad to read for my English minor, but had just skimmed it like the lazy 20-year old college student i was). and throughout 2022 (up until October when i watched The Sandman) Greek Mythology was my entire personality. and while this book takes A LOT of creative liberties (esp with Patroclus, dear god) i still love it to death. it's gorgeous and so poetically written.

Unwind by Neal Shusterman. we've come into the first (and only) YA novel on the list lol. i haven't reread this in probably a decade, so i'm not sure if it still holds up. but if you like dystopian stories, boy howdy do i got a fucking unique one for you. i found a really good article about it that starts with a perfect summary: "...follows three teens on the run from a government that believes “unwinding,” or body harvesting, is an alternate solution to abortions and unwanted teens... Although controversial in topic, this disturbing novel inspires deep thought about organ donation, abortion, and one’s personal right to make decisions regarding his or her body." it's so captivating that i had started writing a short film screenplay for it in college (that of course i never finished). i read this when it first came out in 2007 and i still own my original copy.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. oof. so, this is one of those books that one read through was good enough for me, but it left me with such an emotional impact that i just had to own my own copy of it. if you dont know the book, it's a character story about guilt and redemption. it's set in 1970s Afghanistan and then again about 20 years later under Taliban rule. it's extremely hard to read (not just because of the subject matter, but it's also... incredibly dry). it starts off SO strong, falls in the middle (enough that i almost gave up) but then shoots off like a bullet during the last quarter of the novel. it's. phenomenal. heartbreaking and empowering and just such a good and believable story. (also the film adaption was done very well!)

From Here to Eternity by Caitlin Doughty. just gonna start this one off by recommending all of Caitlin's books. this is her second and it covers Caitlin's relentless pursuit of encouraging "death positivity" by traveling the world to discover how other cultures besides our own, care for their dead. Doughty is a mortician (she also has a fantastic Youtube channel where she does mini documentaries and video essays on death and the macabre) and her writing is filled to the brim with respect, tenderness, and endless curiosity. i love her and share her beliefs.

The Martian by Andy Weir. i'm not much into the adventure genre or sci-fi... but this one took me by genuine surprise. the narrator is so dry and funny, despite his horrifying situation of being stranded on Mars. we work through his attempts at staying alive together, painstaking as it is, while also catching glimpses of what NASA is doing back on earth about the situation. it's soooo cool and fun (and the climax is fucking amazing. i knew the film could never pull it off but boy was i still disappointed in how the film handled it lol).

Lord of the Flies by William Golding. read this guy in high school and it's just always stuck with me. something something man's inherent evil. how even the most sophisticated and promising of us can be reduced to our base instincts in dire situations. how it's not always an adventure, there are real stakes and consequences and... it's just so sad and terrible, almost comically so. as a teenage loner who was horrifically bullied all through middle and high school, this book was my fucking staple. i wore out that paperback.

Circe by Madeline Miller. oh it's another M.M. book lol. listen, Miller owns my entire ass at this point (im so excited for her Persephone book omg) i didn't get around to reading this until i'd finished a ton of Greek myths podcasts and reading The Odyssey so i felt a little more prepared going into it. i love Circe in this book, i love that she's not perfect and has literally hundreds and hundreds of years to fuck up and get better, grow into who she wants to be as a witch and as a woman. going through classic stories through her perspective is also a lot of fun, and my man Odysseus is there for a good chunk of it.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. a book about adventure, self discovery, learning what it means to be free and to govern yourself. being unafraid to be rootless while in search of your Personal Legend. this book reached into my brain and massaged it. if you couldn't tell by now, i'm obsessed with character stories. i am a vagabond in my real life and i can not settle down. this book was written for me lol i enjoyed every word. (it has Islamic/Christian undertones but it's not in your face, which would have been a major turn off otherwise). i listened to the audiobook version of this narrated by one of my favorite actors, Jeremy Irons *chefs kiss*

this took an incredibly long time, but it was a good way to spend my morning, rifling through my bookshelf while sipping coffee haha. and oh god, here we go being unsure who to tag: @tj-dragonblade @scifrey @issylra @hardly-an-escape @teejaystumbles @virgo-dream @watercubebee

[rezdragon]

On that note, I'm gonna talk about something weird.

Up until recently, I didn't think I loved music as much as my peers did because I didn't own copious amounts of music. I think in total, as far as song I actively listen to, I would say my library of music has about 600 or so songs in it as of right now. That sometimes changes, but it averages around there.

It wasn't until I heard someone much younger than me say that they used to argue with their friends over who had the most music. They told me they had 5,000 songs on their Spotify playlist and it was then that I felt very disconnected to the idea of having "the most music."

Music, to me, is a connection. For example, my bf started getting into Nine Inch Nails in 2017, and I didn't follow suit until 2018 because I didn't connect with the music until then. One day, I was feeling really down, and I wanted to listen to Everyday is Exactly the Same, and then I had the connection and I fell down a massive rabbit hole of getting into NIN. Recently, the band I've been getting into has been Tears for Fears because I had a very emotional moment while listening to Shout on a drive home from... uh, let's just say "the hospital."

Music traps memories and emotions inside of it. fun. still takes me back to my tumblr popularity days in 2013. Fitz and the Tantrums takes me back to being frustrated in the Dairy section while working at Walmart. Bleachers (Gone Now Bleachers) takes me back to the concert I went to in 2017. Wolfgun lifts me up to space, Eminem lets me be angry, and Nine Inch Nails lets me be depressed. Twenty One Pilots (nothing past Blurryface I'm afraid) is that small scared child in me that needs comfort sometimes.

Music is so fucking important to me, and that's why just trying to catch as much as I can doesn't sit well with me. I want to work up to those giant numbers organically, because music makes me feel, and I want to feel each and every song, artist, album at my own pace. It's kinda why I've never personally touched Spotify because yeah, it could show me new music every day, but I won't get to spend time with that music before it shoves something new in my face. It's kinda like forcing me to eat another meal when I'm not ready to, y'know?

idk, maybe I'm just weird and emotional. Music is important to me for emotional reasons. I've had a lot of times in my life where I had nothing to hold onto but a silly pop song, but god damn did that silly pop song help me pull through.

[quatregats]

orchid, cactus, chamomile, papyrus <3

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

Cant de batre Pepgimenobotifarra my beloved <333

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

Ooof definitely too many things...I've been going down a rabbit hole of 18th-early 19th century Catalan history recently so I guess that's the most prominent thing. (I may or may not have designed myself a reading list centered around Stephen Maturin sfhdjskfs)

chamomile ⇢ what kind of things do you like receiving as gifts?

I love getting things that were made by my friends or like very intentionally chosen, even if they're not nice/expensive/things I was looking for. For me the point of gifts is kind of to show a person that you matter to them, and I feel like they can't just be one-sided (i.e., thing that I, the receiver, want, but which has no significance to the giver). They have to show something about your relationship, that's what makes them so fun to get <3 (idk if that makes sense but tl;dr I'm not picky about what the things are, I just want them to matter to the giver)

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

OH. THIS SONG.

This song is just so full of emotion, it's beautiful and sad and yet oddly joyful, idk how to describe it really. It's a musicalization of a Tennyson poem. It's on here because I put it in a playlist for a somewhat depressing fic I was working on lol

Milesker galderengatik <3333333

[papercherries]

I try to refrain from writing full pieces on my phone but I don't think I can bare to turn on my computer and look at all my tabs. It's too much to think about. I think the touchscreen keyboard removes a sense of physicality from my writing. The actuation of the keys is a cathartic experience for me and helps me feel physically connected with the things I write.

I'm not depressed, at least not at the moment. I'm not happy either. I don't want to sleep but I am tired. I feel like there's a hole in my chest. Shot straight through. My chest is tight and my throat is raspy. I am ill but I feel fine. I keep thinking, I wish I existed. I know I exist, these words are proof of that. Sure it could all be a simulation of some kind but that doesn't take away from the fact I exist, even as a line of code or a jolt between synapses.

I think it's because I felt today wasn't very productive. However I have had less productive days. I went to the shops to get bread and carrots (not for the same meal), I finished a game I had been playing, I received a reply from a message I'd sent to an actor. But I think the real issue comes from one of my daily activities.

Everyday for around 1-6 hours, I'll play guitar. I mean that very loosely, whether I'm just playing with chords or playing short instrumentals I know off by heart. At minimum, an hour of that time is spent singing as well. It's how I release a lot of energy and emotions. If I'm sad I'll usually play sad songs (not exclusively mind you), if I'm frustrated or angry ill play heavier songs (though 90% of the time they're played with bare acoustic with no amp because I don't wanna annoy my flatmates anymore than i do). If I'm happy I'll just play whatever I feel like.

It's extremely rare that I am ill (not including hangovers and physical injuries from violence), usually it doesn't affect me too badly either. I'll have small headaches and my shoulders tend to hurt but besides that I look fine. However, sometimes my throat will dry up. Usually it's not too bad either, sometimes happens after shows and such. Just a mixture of illness and concert screaming. But very rarely will I not be able to sing afterwards. Mind you, I'm still able to sing songs that don't require that part of my throat. Though it's difficult I can play around it. Though recently I've been playing heavier songs and testing with more shouting and heavier vocals. I find it incredibly fun though I imagine my neighbours don't. It's also great for letting off lots of energy I tend to build up, I always have pent up energy so it's always nice to get it out.

I dare say I'm quite good at singing as well, though you may not be able to tell from my practice as I tend to try to push myself and experiment and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. If I had to curate something though, it probably would be a ok show. Though my stage fright is quite bad, though I can shake it off. My guitar is probably much less commendable but I haven't been doing that one my whole life so it's fair. Plus I'm completely self taught, though I have reached a point where I feel I just need to get physically better before I continue learning more mentally. Once I can play barre for 10 minutes straight I'll feel happier. Got weak little hands.

My point being, I couldn't do that today. I did some songs that had that more heavier feel, I even leaned into the sickly, rough feel with some bright eyes songs I knew would fit it. But I was really in a screaming and shouting mood, it just wasn't possible. I can't even talk in my normal voice, I'm like an octave lower than I usually am. So I've been singing a lot lower than usual today, a lot calmer as well. I probably shouldn't sing at all but I don't think that's possible. I'm the type to pipe, I'll sing to myself at every given moment of silence. For kitchen tasks, I find country songs are the ones that usually show up. Hallelujah comes up a lot in general (Leonard Cohen). When I'm cleaning, lots of indie songs. Sometimes I even have my own songs. I made a lovely little song that has a repeating chorus that is probably the catchiest thing I've ever conceived. Not being able to do that consistently as well has been awful.

Other small things it has affected. Me and my housemate are like blind cats. We meow to alert one another of our presence. If they don't meow back then they're not in their room. I mean I think we just do it out of habit but I need to give a real reason. I can't make a realistic meow. That pitch is completely locked off from me right now. I also can't make funny sounds! I can't say yipee! In a high pitched voice. I can't do a muscle man impression. The best I can do is a rough aussie accent where nobody else gets what I'm referencing. This is peak comedy my friends are missing out on. They're gonna love it when I rewatch big lez.

I hate being without the full potential of my voice. It's driving me up the fucking wall. I need it to fix itself within 3 days or I am fucked. I've got a concert and it's gonna be shouting and screaming and moshing and jumping. I need my voice. Throat soothers, whiskey and ice cream. Though I can't afford any of those so I'll just have to steal the throat soothers and ice cream.

Anyway rant over, this one will be interesting to explain at therapy.

[megsbr]

made up story | punz.

Reader gets too caught up in the story and fantasizes about her love interest in real life. Unfortunately, it is all made up and her love is not reciprocated.

cc!Punz x female!dsmp!reader

WARNINGS: angst? kinda?, use of y/n, written in lowercase word count: 1.7k

author's note: i had so much fun writing this one as it's based off one of my favorite songs at the moment. it's based off of made up story by andi and i'm so happy with how it turned out! hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

giggles and clicks were ringing through my headphones as i moved my character through a random tunnel that had appeared recently. there were rails throughout the tunnel but we didn’t have time to place a cart down. the bright colors on the screen were shining on my face and i suddenly became very aware of how long i have been staring at the screen. the past four hours have flown by, which usually tends to happen whenever punz and i do these lore streams. i blinked a few times to help my dry eyes and rolled back my shoulders and cracked my neck a bit.

“hey, where’d you go?” the unusually soft voice pulled my attention back to the game in front of me as i noticed i had stopped moving. i saw the familiar white clothes poking out from the bright contrasting purple netherite approaching my stalled character. “babe, we gotta go, we can’t let him catch us”. his character was nudging mine in the direction of our escape. my heart skipped a beat at the nickname despite it being the hundredth time he has used it in the past hour. i imagined him saying it to me in real life, maybe as i am taking too long to get ready and we are going to be late to a dinner reservation. or maybe when he promised on twitter that he would go live but i couldn’t stop cuddling with him and wouldn’t let him go. i pushed those thoughts to the side and focused back on the game.

“sorry, sorry, but don’t worry, he won’t catch up. that hole will take a while to build out of”. we both ate some bread before we went back to rapidly clicking forward to get away from the crime scene. me and punz, being the canonical crime couple on the dream smp, just recently tricked sapnap into falling into a very far hole that we hid in his base. luckily, he was able to pull a water clutch but he was still about 100 blocks down and was going to have to build his way up. before we left though, we made sure to steal some diamonds and an extra netherite chestplate he had laying around.

we had retreated into this long tunnel at kinoko and reached the end of the tunnel that opened up next to the prison and quickly got on the prime path. “now chat, i would call this a successful heist”. punz had decided to let his chat pick our next victim and they had overwhelmingly voted for sapnap. i could see emotes and cheers were flying through his chat as they saw him put our earnings in his hidden underground chest, along with some pearls we stole from ranboo, a trident from sam, and all of badboyhalo’s iron. “we’ve started to create quite the collection” i noted as i looked in the chest myself. when we made the decision to have our characters in the lore be dating, we figured that it would be fitting to go on little missions every stream. just petty thefts, not major. at least not yet. there were plans down the road for our characters and the relationship played into that. it was punz’s idea to begin with, as he wanted to give his character a purpose that wasn’t related to overthrowing governments or lying about allegiances. and it was also a pretty big headcanon that the fans had really pushed because of the natural flirty nature between us.

“do the two of you really think you’re going to get away with this?” sapnap’s voice joined our vc as well as his character in punz’s house. “i don’t know what you stole yet but whatever it is i am gonna find”. the squeaking sounds of chests opening came through the game every few seconds as sapnap opened every chest he could see. luckily, he never looked under the dark blocks that made up the floor to see the one that contained our recent ‘findings’, as punz liked to call them. “or maybe i’ll have to kill you and get them off your dead body”. before i could reply, sapnap had pulled out his sword and was hitting me, immediately knocking me down to 6 hearts due to his enchantments. i had barely moved my finger to the button that would draw my weapon before punz jumped in front of my character and began hitting sapnap back, not missing a single hit.

sapnap tried to hit him once and failed which caused him to begin screaming as he ran away, punz following him as they jumped off the side of the staircase and towards the community house. i giggled as sapnap’s long, high pitched screams mixed with different yells from punz rang through my headphones. “you leave my girl alone you bitch” and “babe, i am defending your honor, look at me go!” stuck out the most. it was moments like these that i am glad we decided to only have punz stream today because if i was camera right now my bright red face would be on display for the whole world. i brought my bottom lip in between my teeth as i focused on punz’s laughs as he still was hunting sapnap. my smile grew bigger as i found them fighting in the water surrounding the community house. finally, sapnap lowered his shield too soon and it allowed punz to kill him, causing him to lose all his stuff and spawn back in kinoko.

i could see this playing out the exact same way in real life. maybe sapnap punched my shoulder a little too hard during a joke and punz would instantly be there to fight him, giving him a punch five times the strength of what he gave me. he would claim he was saving me and would say that i am too pretty to fight anyone and that he would always be there to save me.

punz screamed in victory as sapnap begged him to not steal his stuff. “don’t worry, we already stole from you once. i don’t need any of this trash.” i quickly built a chest next to the small wheat farm and punz jumped out of the water and placed all of sapnap’s things in it so they wouldn’t despawn. sapnap appeared rather quickly and collected his stuff and then announced that he was logging off for the night. we said our goodbyes and once again we were alone in vc. “well, we might head off too. there isn’t really anyone else on the server to steal from so i think we can call it”. i got sad at the idea that the stream was ending and i could no longer live in this beautiful world where punz called me babe and was constantly checking if i had enough food and placed blocks for me when a mountain had a hard terrain. “i’m going to go say bye to chat and then i’ll be back”. “okay, i’ll be here”.

before he muted, punz brought his character up to mine and pushed up next to me, making a kiss sound into the mic as we touched in game. he did this often when one of us was ending as a goodbye kiss type of thing. then his character disappeared and the chat message popped up that he had left the game and then he went mute in the call. i’ve always thought that punz would be a good kisser in real life. he would slowly approach me and wrap his arms around my waist, catching me off guard as he planted little kisses on my cheeks. or for a more direct kiss, his large hands would cup the sides of my face as his blue eyes captured mine and i would see nothing but adoration in them. he would lightly place his lips on mine, quietly sighing into it as his whole body relaxed at my touch.

or at our wedding. he would be standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me. and my white dress would be flowing around me as i approached him, without any fear of heartbreak all because i could see him standing right there with his big smile that i fell more in love with everyday. but that smile of his seemed to get bigger and brighter the closer i got to him. i’ve perfected this moment in my mind a millions times, from the guests in the seats to the flowers i am holding to the man of my dreams in a suit. i could see his eyes staring at me the whole time the ceremony goes on, both of us not paying attention to a single word. “you look beautiful” he would whisper to me as i giggled and shyly sent back a “and you look handsome”. all of a sudden we were saying ‘i do’ and we were leaning into each other. punz’s arms came around to hold me tight as our eyes closed more and more the closer we got to one another.

but just as the wedding guests jumped and started clapping and the happy couple was about to kiss, a ding was heard as i was signaled that someone joined my call.

“dude that was so cool. we did so good with that trap!” punz began boasting about how well he took out sapnap and that we are getting better at this whole crime couple thing. i quickly noticed the lack of cute nicknames and the louder tone he was now using, contrasting his soft and comforting voice throughout the stream. “yeah, i am glad it all went to plan. i think this is a good setup for when we announce we are gonna go to war with sapnap in a few weeks”. we talked a bit more about plans for our next lore streams and some ideas of more things our characters could get up to. “alright well, i’m beat. i’m gonna head out. see you later”.

the familiar tone of him leaving could be heard, quickly followed by my sigh as i was once again left alone in a vc titled ‘c!y/n + c!punz = forever’.

[heartofspells]

(as seen on Tuesday Tunes with Andie)

Oh, this is fun! Thanks for the tag @femme--de--lettres!

(tumblr's a butt and won't let me add the songs themselves and still post, so links it is, i guess)

First on the list is this little thing. I just love the overall feel of it. Also the line 'I'm still alive beneath the rubble; a wretched soul in a sea of trouble' gets me every time.

Black Holes (Solid Ground) by The Blue Stones

Next up, we have one that just sort of seeps into your bones and rattles them. I love it for this quality. It makes my heart putter a little whenever I listen to it, and I know it's a depressing song (most everything i listen to is, let's be honest), but it actually makes me incredibly happy, though I'll never be able to say why.

No One's Here to Sleep by Naughty Dog feat. Bastille

This one has become a personal favorite recently. It's entirely in Dutch, but the lyrics are gorgeous. But even without translating them, the song itself is just so good. It pulls you in with the music around it. The voice of the artist is incredible. It just hits in that special place that puts me right in my feels.

Kans by MEAU

Another new discovery, and used for a specific purpose, but it has stuck with me. The emotions in it are just so poignant. I honestly love everything about this song. I'd never be able to pick just one aspect.

Train Wreck by James Arthur

One last one and then I'm done. I will never stop raving about Citizen Soldier, not for a single moment. They're incredible for some many different reasons, one of them being the amazing songs they release that deal with very real things that aren't talked about nearly enough. I could honestly list all of their songs here, because I listen to them constantly, but this one plays at least once a day for me no matter what. The message of it is just so strong, and I wish everyone would listen to it at least once, especially if you find yourself struggling with life and all it holds.

This is Your Sign by Citizen Soldier

I won't tag anyone because I feel like I shove music down your throats far too often (but i'll never stop, sorry! i just love it too much). But if you see this and want to participate, by all means, please do. Just make sure you tag Andie (@femme--de--lettres) so she can see it!

[mowu-moment]

i feel controversial & i care too much, so here's my des rocs complete tierlist

ranked list & reasoning (ish) under the cut

1. WAYNE: hoholy shit wayne. can hardly put into words how explosive this one is to me. the intro sets a Whole Mood before swiftly (& cleanly) smacking it down into an Absolute Banger and i don't use the term lightly. very hard not to scream along with it. only detriment is that wayne the person is kinda an ass in the mmc video but that's no qualm

2. POS: basically the same thing as wayne (oh both have great lyrics btw, this one more so), only gets points knocked for being 2 minutes long and having 30 seconds of that being intro & outro. go danny give us nothing

3. WHY WHY WHY: there's a theme among my top picks--they're all hard-hitting w/ killer guitar. the lyrics are absolute batshit in a good way, but the chorus is a lil flat & i feel like in general it just needed a touch more spice to score the top spot. or maybe it's just seniority & it'll have a coup a few months out idk

4. DEAD RINGER: similar killer guitar & lyrics but this one is Groovy as Hell. don't particularly like his singing in this one & it's too repetitive if i'm feeling grumpy but there's something so magic about after the bridge. top 10 songs to twirl a flag to

5. NOTHING PERSONAL: the minute long outro irks me & it's a little bit empty but plays into that well. groovy, great lyrics, the Sexiest Guitar Solo of the lot, the screaming's a minus but it does have an emotion there. not entirely sure what one but it's there.

6. LET ME LIVE / LET ME DIE: his first time being all over the goddamn place, history was made. amazing guitar, a little worse lyrics than 1-4 i'll admit, the intro Slays me both in a good and bad way. must be a joy to play live where he can just drag out that intro & bridge as long as feels right. at least i liked it in the digital concert like that. would actually kill me in a physical concert, imagine how much stomping gets going to that beat. bonus points for presumable cowbell

7. PIECES: for once not this high for the guitar & lyrics, they're both kinda basic. idk what's about this one but it just takes me to a separate dimension & i love it so much for that. really fills those earholes. also a bit of personal meaning, heard it for the first time on the day we moved into the house i'm currently split-custody-living in (is that tmi?) & the first music video of his i saw. man i love some spaghetti on the wall

8. SLO: basically the same as dead ringer, but knocked points for a kinda lame outro & the subject matter being a little less interesting to me. still lovely.

9. HANGING BY A THREAD: not my normal fare really & the way that the ends of the verses don't really fit in the pacing of them is bleh, but it's just so reminiscent of the songs my brother puts on whenever we hang out together that it just makes me all warm & fuzzy. it's also nicely put together which is something i'll have to start saying for. the later list.

10. SUICIDE ROMANTICS: this is where i start griping about head voice & higher pitches in general. don't like em so the pre-chorus is a lil annoying. also not my normal fare but it's tender & the ending is awe-striking. imo better live where he's loud on that last line before the final chorus. not enough to bump it up though. shoutouts to love and a smoking gun, i still am dying to hear that one

11. THE PAST HAS PASSED AWAY: my favorite lyrics out of the first 2 ep's. only thing wrong with it really is the bridge getting kinda repetitive. love that last chorus heehoo. same schpeel as the Banger Category

12. MMC: this one's lower than the rest of the Bangers for being pop punk which is something the radio has made me dislike, i guess. that trope with the guitar in the second half of the chorus just kills me so much. improves greatly during & after the bridge, love that lil ragtime piano. generally the same bit as before but i do love him doing something un-romance-related. yeah fuck the establishment!

13. THE DEVIL INSIDE: reminds me A Lot of the electronic-ish cassettes i've got from the early 90's but that's just me. this one will probably move up as i get more used to it, but only a little bit. the first part of the second verse makes me like. genuinely uncomfy? but the second part of it's fantastic. ending's ass though what happened to the instrumence. bonus points for using 'reverie' that's an SAT word (maybe). good singing but returning to the gripe at higher pitches, just a little bit though

14. THIS IS OUR LIFE: feels shockingly generic for a des rocs song tbh but there's nothing really wrong with that. adore the bridge. singing's alright. kinda miffed that he doesn't pronounce the 'f' in the second 'life' in the chorus, but it makes sense here. that sort of thing won't later so i'm bringing it up now. guitar's nothing spectacular but fits nicely into the song, probably one of the most cohesive of his (especially in recent history).

15. OUTTA MY MIND: really lives in the same space as slo and dead ringer do in my head (most likely the 'songs to twirl a flag to' zone), but this is by far the worst of the three for when i'm grumpy. just. Very repetitive. back to great lyrics here but it's kinda hard to pick them out (i've heard the song at least 100 times by now & i'm still missing a few lines). still groovin'

16. RUBY WITH THE SHARPEST LIES: what the fuck actually goes on in this song by the way? not the premise or whatever it's just. so all over the place. the verses are incredible but bringing in another vocalist just for one line kills me. bridge is really cool but that one part i don't remember where it is, the one that alternates basically nothing & an Electronic Piano Chord blaring at ya? ruins it. partially anyhow. also can someone tell the people on genius that it's 'carved it in my skin' not 'crawled down in my skin'

17. GIVE ME THE NIGHT: same repetitive issue as outta my mind but it's not groovy enough to save it, shame. feels like a trial run of all the wackshit stuff he's been doing recently, with the additional vocal bits at the end & the kinda weird lyrics. it still has a place in my heart don't get me wrong but it's just fallen in favor of stuff that Commits to banger or batshit (or actually pulls off both strongly, yyy). oh yeah nice guitar alright singing etc etc

18. USED TO THE DARKNESS: similar story to give me the night. i love it i do, but it's just lackluster nowadays. also remember that under-pronunciation thing i brought up in this is our life? this is where that comes back. rampant i tell you! that second verse he just doesn't finish the words & i hate it!

19. DON'T HURT ME: i honestly don't know why this one isn't in D. the chorus bit where he just cuts it short is irksome. the lyrics aren't anything special. i don't know what i like about it. but i can tell it does exactly what it set out to do if that makes sense. respect, respect. and using missile in an analogy, he's getting creative with the vocab

20. LIVING PROOF: kinda got a vendetta against this one i think? i don't know why i hate this one but i do. it's just kinda, blah. like the perfect sort of thing to nightcore up. sentiment's lovely & i do love the lyrics even if they aren't impressive but like. it bores me to an extent

21. TICK (LIVE): separating the version i heard in the digital concert just to give it some credit, this one was actually kinda nice. another one with a nice sentiment & what he was going for is great. no clue what the second part of the second verse has to do with any of this though. and it also begins our final group, the songs that just feel empty. like there's not nearly enough going on. this one's alright though i was just hoping the studio version would add some flair. you can see where that one is though.

22. IMAGINARY FRIENDS: also got a vendetta against pop. kinda hate the sentiment here (contrast!), the chorus just falls short of what the verses prime me for, head voice is rampant, and yet i still swing along to it. it's infectious props to him. love the outro though, monkey laugh and all.

23. MAYBE, I: another empty one, like it's a four-note progression what is that. love his singing in it, and the chorus parts do round it out, but like. eh? it doesn't even give me much to say.

24. BORN TO LOSE: another flop on the chorus! too smooth i say! and i absolutely Despise the pitch-shifting thing going on. not something i was expecting him to express so points there, lyrics are nothing fancy to my Literary Mind though. initially good singing but the chorus he's just sloppy over it. the instrumental is lovely but the vocals just throw it so hard into the bin which is a right shame. fuck that outro too i hate that gimmick

25. I KNOW: here's where the bad batshit comes in. singing is some of his worst imo, does the other-vocalist thing for that bridge, genre i'm not fond of, just a soup of Stuff I Don't Like. not one i'd kill someone over putting as #1 like i can see where it comes from but. mmmmmhhhh bad. cover does NOT help his case.

26. HVY MTL DRMR: empirically i should put this one higher. but the chorus flops so goddamn hard it deserves to be in the bottom of the barrel. the verses are lovely for what he was doing back then! but then just... nothing!

27. RABBIT HOLE: i was so excited for this name but it's just sad boi hours playlist curated by some corporation you hate. probably the most nothing of them all, genuinely where are the instruments. what happened. was this one just shoehorned in as the final track just to pump numbers up. and i swear he had some autotune or something which only makes his voice worse it's fantastic naturally. also that's not what a rabbit hole is! that's not the idiom! a rabbit hole is when you go on a wikipedia spiral from jennifer lopez to group theory! not when you just have a shitty night's sleep or whatever this is! i'm not just miffed i'm downright annoyed

28. TICK (STUDIO): what the fuck happened des. how did you release this. it sounds like a 3rd grader singing for the school talent show it's so out of rhythm. singing's honestly kinda bad & the instrumental has the same problems i talked about in the live version. the last chorus is fine, i guess, but no i don't forgive him for what he did to tick.

[gvf-imagines]

Part 1

(Josh/Danny/Jake/Sam x reader)

Warnings: alcohol use, self harm scars

word count:  3252

Thanks to @callmekane for beta reading this fic!

A/N: I’m excited about what this story will bring! This is going to be a very smut filled fan fiction series where the reader has a very sexual and open relationship with all of the boys! I know some people won’t like it I’m sure but all criticism is welcome! Please leave comments and let me know what you think and of course if you have an idea for the story I’m totally open to hearing your thoughts! I hope you enjoy it my friends ❣️

If you’d like to be on the tag-list so you know when I post part 2 just message me or let me know in the comments!

—————————————————————-

You smiled as you ran off stage, the fans were still screaming and kept screaming until the next band took the stage. The air was electric, so many people, all here to enjoy the great communicator that is music. You closed your eyes to take it all in, to just listen and feel. You couldn't believe you were here, playing in front of this many people. This year you shared the stage with another up and coming band by the name of Greta Van Fleet. You hadn't heard of them before recently and they were actually really good. They had so much soul and passion in their music, it was true, raw talent. 

You watched from the side stage as they played their eclectic set. The singer, Josh, really got the crowd going. He had so much energy and was really fun to watch. His voice was incredible, unbelievable even. He had this raspy, elegant twang in his voice, that truly matched perfectly with the music his band was producing. The drummer, Danny (if you remembered correctly), had such a powerful and classic Drumming style. It was full of life and emotion , just like you, he put his all into his performance. He was focused and truly the heart of the music. There was a guitarist and a Bassist, unlike your band which only consisted of you and your best friend. You, the drummer and your friend the singer and guitarist. The bassist, Sam,  had a very cool way about him, his body moved with the music in a way that seemed beyond his control. The guitarist, Jake , was stunning, his hands danced along his guitar so expertly, you could tell he truly enjoyed his time with his instrument. 

When they finished their set, the crowd erupted in a wave of applause and cheers, like bright yellow and orange fireworks booming through the air, you watched with your minds eye, in awe as they exploded and cracked in the sky. The Boys bowed and waved before walking off stage panting and sweating.

“Nice job!, excellent show” you comment smiling. Danny returned the smile with a grateful nod. 

“Aw thank you, I'm sorry I don't think we had a chance to meet before the show, I’m Dan-” he began.

“You're Danny, Sam , Jake , and Josh” you said, pointing to each of them and smiling. They all returned the smile, there was positive energy just radiating from them, you could feel it like a blanket of warmth resting over you. 

“My name is (y/n), it's so nice to meet you guys!” you chime happily. The lead singer, Josh smiles at and you think you catch a small wink as well, making your heart skip a beat. Perhaps you were seeing things. God he's handsome, his sparkling brown eyes, he had more structure in his jawline than you had in your entire life His chestnut hair was gorgeous and curly, his whole look just attracted you to no end. 

Fuck. 

“Hey your performance was super amazing too, your voice is absolutely incredible” Sam complimented, his voice popped all the bubbly thoughts of josh that foamed in your head. Thank goodness. “Yeah! You did an excellent job (y/n). Its one thing to be a good singer when you have three other band members to help you sound good, but you were out there all alone, just your voice and you still blew that crowd away” Danny added. You were blushing for sure now. 

“Yeah your voice is crazy good, we're honored to play alongside you” Jake chimed. 

“Oh wow you guys are gonna make me cry” you chuckle “thank you so much, that means a lot coming from someone with your talent” you reply. Sam waves his hand incredulously as if you were hyping them up and making them out to be better than they really were.. You weren't. They are  awe inspiring musicians.

“Water?” a stagehand offered walking over with a cooler. 

“Oh thank fucking Christ” Josh rendered making a bee line for the cooler. You chuckled, and now that you thought of it your throat was extremely dry from singing as well. Jake nicely offered you the bottle he grabbed with a smile. A true gentleman. 

“Thank you!” you offer as you grab the bottle from him. You practically ripped the cap off and chugged the whole bottle. It was delicious and cold and ran over your tongue and down your throat with a refreshingly cold bite. 

The five of you stand there and re hydrate for a minute before Sam speaks “we should go grab a drink!” he suggests with a slight raise of his perfect eyebrows. The guys look at you in waiting. 

“You wanna join us?” Josh asks, flashing a pearly white smile. You look around at them for a mere second before responding. 

“Sure! Yeah that sounds fun” 

“Right on, I think I saw a bar down the street we can go to” Jake claims as you all head to the doors behind the dressing rooms. 

Rain began to expel from the dark clouds above you as you all headed down the road. Cold air kisses your skin causing you to shiver slightly, you only had on black leather pants and a pink floral pattern blouse that you tied up a bit to expose part of your stomach. It was late, must have been almost midnight by now, the air was heavy with moisture and you could smell the rain soaked cement under your feet. 

“Are you cold?” Josh questions as he walks beside you, he startled you a bit. You smiled and looked at your arms, they were dotted with goosebumps. 

“Yeah kinda” you reply sheepishly. Josh instantly takes off the jean jacket he was wearing and handed it to you. Jake and the others were a few feet behind the two of you carrying on a conversation about the show. You reached out and accepted the jacket, Josh's gaze nonchalantly floated down your arm, his face fell when he noticed the deep scars that peppered across your skin near your wrists. You notice him looking at them before he brings his gaze back up to meet yours. Your cheeks burned with embarrassment and you quickly put the jacket on. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn't mean to stare” he says softly, looking down at the wet street. You knew by the tone in his voice he wasn't judging you. His look was filled with concern, not judgement.

“It's alright, people stare all the time” you responded 

“It doesn't bother me so much anymore, i'm used to it.” you added. Josh nods, a sad look still lingers on his gentle face. His jacket was warm, his scent filled your nose, it was comfortable and soothing, much like the rain that fell from the sky. You looked at him out of the corner of your eye, you could tell he was thinking about something, he had that  thousand yard stare stuck in his eyes. You hadn't known Josh for long but it's not hard to tell when someone is enthralled in thought.

“How long have you been singing?” you ask, trying to pull him from whatever trance he was in. 

“A long time, most of my life really” he answers with a smile. Talking about his music clearly made him happy. He in turn asked you the same question. You laugh before responding. 

“Honestly I've only been singing for a few years….drumming is my real talent and I've been doing that for most of my life, coming up on 18 years” you explain. Josh’s expression shifted from a smile to a look of surprise.

“Wow that’s awesome , are you self taught?” he asks again. You nodded “my dad taught me a few things here and there more when I first started out but, mostly I've taught myself” you said. Josh chuckled with a nod.

“That is really cool” he replied, you could tell by the tone and instance of his voice that he was genuinely impressed. 

“Oo careful on the compliments you've never heard me play before, just because I've been playing for a long time doesn't mean i’m any good” you joke, Josh laughs, shakes his head and nudges your shoulder. 

“Well have to get you behind Danny's kit some time” he implores. Hearing him say that made you happy, it meant he wanted to see you again. 

“You guys did really good tonight, I cant believe I've never heard of you guys before really. It wasn't until my manager told me who I'd be playing with at the festival that I started looking into you guys.” you admit. 

“Thanks you did an excellent job too, i really loved that first song you sang, ‘salt is my sugar’ I really resonated with that one, truly felt it, there's a lot of emotion in your lyrics.

“This is it,” Sam announces opening the front door and holding it for everyone to walk in. the smell of smoke and dark liquor hang heavy in the air. An ACDC song played over the speakers. It wasn't very busy, there was an older man sitting at the bar, a couple younger people playing pool and a few others scattered in booths. It was a total dive bar, a hole in the wall, which was just your style. You all sat at the bar on squeaky worn out bar stools. 

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked, perching himself up with his arms rested on the bar as a washrag sat, oh so typically, on his shoulder as he awaited your response. Jake looked at Josh with a raised brow giving him that ‘get a load of this guy’ look. 

“I'll have a beer,” Danny ordered. 

“Me as well please” Jake adds.

“Southern comfort and seven up for me please” you order next. 

“Hmm I'll have a long island iced tea” Sam says. You look at him holding back a chuckle Huh didn't take him for a long island iced tea kinda guy but to each their own. The bartender looked to josh. 

“Salty dog please” he requests.

“Put your IDs on the counter” the bartender instructs as he turns around to collect everyone's drinks. The five of you did as you were told and laid out your IDs. 

“So where are you guys headed now that the festival is over?” you asked playing with a stained, old coaster that sat in front of you. 

“We’re going back to Michigan for some well deserved time off” Josh responds. 

“For a little while anyways” he adds with a smile. 

“Hey I live in silver city!” you reply happily , silver city was a small town in Michigan closer to the upper peninsula. 

“Small world” you added. What are the chances the two of you lived within a few hours of each other and never met until the both of you played a festival in Los Angeles. 

You turn your attention to the combination of alcoholic drinks that the bartender set in front of you. Everyone reached for theirs offering quick cheers before taking a drink. The carbonation of the seven up burned against your throat before the alcohol sent the warming sensation through your chest and stomach. 

“Ah yum” you said, wincing from the sharpness of the alcohol. Jake laughed as he watched you.

“Not very convincing,” Sam says smiling. You laugh and take another drink. You watch Josh stir his drink lightly with the small straw it came with, he notices you looking. 

“Ever had a salty dog before?” he asks, hoping you say no. 

You simply shake your head in reply. He slides his drink closer to you. 

“We can share if you want, it's really good?” he offers. You look at the pink drink in front of you. 

“What's in it?” you ask. 

“It's just gin and grapefruit juice with a little salt around the rim,” he says. 

“Oh god that sounds horrible” you laugh.

“It's actually not that bad” Danny pipes up with a shrug.

“He made me try it a few weeks ago,” he adds. 

“Alright I'll take your word for it” you smile at Danny. You look back down at the drink. 

“I promise I didn't spike it” Josh chimes.  You laugh loudly, why would he even say that? 

“That's exactly what someone who spiked my drink would say” 

“But I guess I trust you guys” you add before taking a healthy sip of the beverage. 

“Hmm that's not bad!” conclude, it was much sweeter than you thought it would be, it kind of reminded you of orange juice and vodka. Josh nods with an I told you so sort of look on his face. 

“Here, try mine,” Sam says next, handing you his glass. 

“Alright you try mine too” you reply with a smile. Sam's slender fingers brush against yours as he grabs the drink from you , your eyes look to his and he winks. 

Oh god, I can't be attracted to two of them. Honestly, who were you kidding? You were insanely attracted to all of them, how were they ALL so cute and gorgeous? Not fair to the rest of man-kind. 

“Wow this one is super good!” you remark going in for another drink of the long island iced tea. 

“Yeah can you believe there's like 8 different alcohols in there? No tea at all” he laughs, you laughed with him. His laugh was sweet and light, like orange sparkling shards of glass dancing through the air. The five of you began talking about life and learning a lot about each other, ordering more drinks along the way. You could tell the mix of drinks was beginning to take effect on you, you felt warm and relaxed. You were standing next to Danny now, he towered over you, this man was truly a beast.the smell of his cologne wrapped around you. It was oaky and mossy with a hint of citrus, you couldn't help but feel an electrifying pull of attraction to him.

For fucks sake, you curse yourself.  

A few games of pool (which, it turns out Jake is like a God at pool) later you all found yourselves back at the bar carrying on more conversation, albeit more slurred now. It was much easier to open up to people when alcohol was involved. You rolled the sleeves of josh's jacked up, exposing your arms as the alcohol was making you extremely warm.

“What happened to you?” the bartender asks loudly. You and the guys all look at him with hints of confusion. 

“I got the worst concoction of my parents DNA possible” you joke , the boys laugh. Jake nudges your shoulder. 

“Shut up you're gorgeous” he says softly. You give him a quick smile. 

“No. Your arm. What happened to your arm.” the bartender says again, nodding to your scars. You hated when people asked that question, like they didn't know why you had those scars on your wrists. Very few things leave scars like that on skin. You looked around at the guys, josh looked pissed and the others looked saddened as this was the first time they had seen your scars, and they knew damn well what it was from, they weren’t as stupid as this bartender. The air of the bar had shifted, the mood went from fun loving to hostile very quickly. Fuck this guy.

“I got in a fight with a weed wacker” you retort sarcastically. The man rolls his eyes.

“What happened? Did your little boyfriend break up with you? Flunk a class? Your puppy ran away?” he was mocking you. You said nothing in return.

“You're just another one of those emotionally confused little girls, no reason to hate her life.” he continues. For some reason he was trying to upset you , and you had no idea why, you'd been nothing but pleasant to the man since the moment you entered the bar.

“First of all i'm not a girl, I'm a woman. Who pissed in your Wheaties this morning man? You're mad because you got all D’s in high school and now you're stuck serving losers like us in this shit hole, pretentious, sorry excuse of a bar? Go fuck yourself. I don’t hate my life.” you answer , anger pooling in your throat. 

“Hey man. Lay off.” Danny says with a look of warning. 

“Of course you don't hate your life” the man says ignoring Danny completely. 

“You just do it for attention, think if you slice yourself up maybe someone will feel bad for you huh? I've seen your kind before girl.” he speaks again. OK now this idiot was pissing you off. You never did it for attention, attention was the last thing you wanted, especially when it came to your scars, you wished you could erase them.

“Look, I've got three things to say to you,” you reply with an irritated sigh. You stood up from your stool and stepped closer to the man. 

“One” you say, holding up your pointer finger giving the illusion that you were going to list reasons of argument to him. Instead you ball your hand into a fist and punch the guy right in his fucking jaw with all your drunken might. To your surprise (and no doubt everyone else's) the bartender fell to the floor, you knocked him out.. Everyone was wide eyed and silent 

“Lets get outta here” Josh says, breaking the glistening silence in the bar, noticing everyone looking at the five of you. Jake grabbed a bottle of Jack before all of you ran out of the door. None of you could suppress your laughs as you took off down the street. Out of breath you all keeled over in a field of grass a few feet from the tour buses in a fit of laughter. You sat down on the wet grass and looked up at the clouds. Danny sat on your left and Sammy was on your right, Josh and Jake sat in front of you and you all formed a small little circle. 

“That felt good” you say softly, referring to punching that shit head of a bartender. Sam laughed.

“Yeah that was awesome, I can't believe you knocked him out” Jake chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. The air went silent again as you all sat with your own thoughts. Your face slowly lost emotion as thoughts of what the man said swirled around your mind. You tried not to let what people said to you about your scars get to you too much but it was hard sometimes. Danny noticed your expression and you felt his hand draw soft circles on your back.

“That guy was an idiot. He was just being an asshole” Josh said softly, you nodded, knowing he was right. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe you were just really that sad but a tear fell down your face and your voice cracked as you spoke. 

“I just feel so alone sometimes” you wiped the tears away as quickly as they fell. You could feel all of them watching you with sympathetic eyes.

“Everyone's got their vice (y/n)” Danny said quietly, his hand still grazing your back. 

Josh rolls his shirt sleeve up and reveals dozens of little horizontal scars covering his shoulder. He grabs your hand and you look up at him to meet his gaze. He stroked your hand with his thumb and gave you a comforting, gentle look. 

“You're not alone”

[musictatertot]

Walking a mile in their shoes

The latest rwby episode was so fantastic and sad in so many ways. Roosterteeth, Crwby, Monty (rest in peace friend), and every person involved in this show are so talented and this is one of the very few rare times I have no complaints over story telling devices and holes in the story. Typically I always have one or two either towards plot line concienences or, my main focus, character development. So many times there have been characters that reacted, well, out of character simply for the purpose of pushing the plot where the creator wants it to go. Which is fine! It's their creation and I still love the worlds they have built, but if the development isn't realistic to the character I feel a little dissapointed.

Rwby has not done that, at least from my pint of view (small issue about Hazel's motives being pushed to the side until we can learn more about how that all went down). This is kind gonna get long, so if you're not interest slip away friends! Just wanted a place to rant and rave about a beautiful show to show my appreciation!

I have... a lot of thoughts. And there is a text limit... T-T for this post I will be just talking about Ruby. Next one will be Yang, then Blake, then Weiss. Definitely Oscar, Ozpin, and Qrow! Let me know if you guys are interested on hearing my thoughts a out any one else. These are really just to show my appreciation to the show!

Ruby Rose

I've always loved Ruby, and not just because she's a scythe weilding badass with a heart of gold! She reminds me a heck of a lot of my baby sister. Sweet, caring, and always wanting to do the right thing for the right reasons. Also like my sister she can be sad, pensive, and unsure. Specifically in volume five and the episodes so far on volume six. The world is literally falling apart around her and now she has learned it has always been falling apart. She just hadn't known it.

I especially love Ruby because, even with all the trials, changes, and losses she has faced her main goal has never changed.

She wants to help people.

The ways she helps them, and the ways she views the world has been constantly changing but that key aspect of her character remains unchanged.

I had a lot of mixed feelings about the most recent episode but Ruby stuck to her beliefs and actions through and through. Her one question to Ozpin reflected her own internal struggle perfectly.

Does Ozpin have a plan to stop Salem?

The answer, sadly but truthfully, was no. And now I think Ruby is going to have to face, for the first time, a disconnect between her goals and her feelings.

I base this belief on her mother, Summer Rose, Pyrrha, and Penny (with a heavier focus on Summer).

Previous mentions of Summer have showcased the love Ruby has for her. She still visits her mother's grave to tell her about what has happened in her life so far. She seems a little awkward, a little hesitant, but she was very young when Summer died and even with beloved family members it is entirely possible to feel a little like strangers. That doesn't make the love you feel for them any less, it just makes it harder to express.

In the Red Like Roses soundtracks we see the other side of losing a loved one. Grief. A feeling of deep, deep loss. Bitterness. Guilt.

Ruby is not a bitter person, no. However, death leaves such and unbearably heavy mark on a person's heart that it creates new feelings, ones almost impossible to name sometimes, that have never been experienced before. Those who have lost loved ones can deeply empathize with this, and those who have yet to experience this can empathize on a lighter level, but I think we can all agree that it is a difficult thing to process.

And it never really goes away.

You can move on, certainly, and find happiness in other parts of your life. You can go days without being struck by the overwhelming pain of them not being there.

You can also be doing something completely mundane and something, perhaps a flash of color in you peripheral vision, or certain smell or sound, will remind you of them. Remind you that they are not there and suddenly it is like you lost them all over again.

I believe this will be the case for Ruby.

Things have been hectic in her life. Beacon, Haven, her team breaking apart before coming back together, the train.

Pyrrha. Penny.

Two more losses, far more fresh in her mind.

With the crash and the high tension I doubt much was on her mind except what was happening right in front of her.

Now though. Now when they are at a monetary laps in action, holed away in a farm and everyone needing their own space. Now I doubt her mind will let her think of anything else.

Why did her mother, Pyrrha, and Penny have to die?

Originally it was:

Summer- To do the right thing and protect people that needed her.

Pyrrah- In a fight she new she couldn't win, because it was the right thing to do.

Penny- to make a statement.

Ruby was able to cope with these three deaths because she could have hope that they would not be in vain. And now she has learned there is no plan. There was never a plan. They died... for nothing.

Pyrrha clearly knew none of this. Penny, highly doubtful. Did her mother? Had her mother known she was fighting a battle she couldn't win as well?

If she did know then did she choose an unwinnable battle over Ruby?

If she had not known, would the knowledge have made her pick Ruby just like Ruby had always wished she had?

I am am sure she has a strong sense of empathy towards Ozpin after watching his past, but that empathy will war with her long lasting feelings towards those that have died. I don't think she will lash out at Ozpin when he eventually (hopefully) returns but I'm expecting some heavy emotional talks. (I'm expecting to learn how Summer died damn it! Is that one crazy fan theory right?! Is Summer actually Zwei?! I need to know!)

Whether the show chooses to showcase those thoughts is up to the writers, there is only so much time in an episode after all, but I hope that we might get a new song that delves into that if they are unable to fully get around to it.

I trust Ruby's core. Who she is, through and through. She is a good person who just wants to help. Her emotions and the actions of those around her, however, will determine how she chooses to help, and I can't wait to see what the writers have in store for us there!

[dorks6]

I used to listen to "I'll remember" and think that...I'd never get to that state of "I know we broke up but instead of forgetting everything I wanna remember. Because I loved you and we spent meaningful time together, it's worth remembering." but after my recent breakup with my SO of 4 years, I'm here and I feel like I've grown and, idk. it's sad but beautiful. anyways, ON THAT note, I was wondering what day6 song is most meaningful to you and why :')

bHey there, sweet anon.

First of all, I am sorry that you are right now going through that ache.

And, well, I think that is growth that comes with loss. When we part ways with someone, no matter the cause, the reality of how absolutely fleeting not just moment, but even memory of it is becomes overwhelmingly real and though each memory cause a certain hurt, seeing them fade out around the edges or realize how much overall is faded hurts far worse and the urge to hold onto it grows desperate.

And sometimes it’s hard not to frantically try to preserve what’s left or recapture it, if there are hope of that, to not lose yourself in that fear and scrambling, and hurt. But accepting that memories sometimes omit the bad parts and soften the burned holes and that too much holding on will leave cuts in you is also part of maturing and of moving on.

But perhaps I speak from personal experience and break ups come with different experiences, I cannot really say. My loss is family and friendship rooted.

Regarding your actual question... I, as always, cannot pick just one, to give a simple answer.

I think I will remember should be on this list, for the concept it conveys so well, as it is something that speaks to me, but Sofa (Though it is not originally by Day6, after listening to original and its translation, I feel it as their song.)  happens to be my grief-song from Day6, the sort that always makes me cry. The sort that made me cry before I even experienced my loss, because I knew of it’s closeness, though I was not aware of how it is already breathing down my neck when I first heard the song.  The ache of it, the longing, the grasping at things that slip through your fingers, not knowing how to say goodbye, how to handle it despite all that’s been given to you... Yeah.  Everything about their vocals express it so perfectly, too, in every line.

Hurt Road is a song that I also avoid listening and focusing on lyrics, because it hurts me and gets me in very similar way, though the realization of that was more gradual and when it hit me, I just broke down.

Another song that means incredible amount to me is Colors. I remember dozing off on couch with Day6 discography in the background, for the first time and how I just became fully alert when Colors came on because... Wow. I still get chills like every time I hear it which is a feat no other song has accomplished. It’s the song that truly and wholly stole me for Day6, though I loved pretty much all songs I had heard from them at that time. Just the way it sounds, their voices... It’s so hauntingly longing and beautiful, it raises you softly in the air and throws you in the sunset sky, with hope and an ache, and the lyrics, too, speak to me in a way I cannot quite explain. It’s complete package that takes my breath away.

I Need Somebody, Stop The Rain and Breaking Down are the Heavy Trinity that has been my boat drifting down dark and vast streams. I cannot imagine specific moments in my life without these songs, without what they let me express, both personally and in writing inspiration, when I did not think I could write anymore.

So, yes, overall, I think these are the most meaningful songs to me by Day6, though most of them carry some emotional light and connection to me. Thank you for asking and maybe reading through this way too extensive answer!!

[dazaiapologism]

Season 2 anon here: I'm all caught up with the anime, and I gotta fill the hole in my soul with as much Bakushima content as I can. Do you have any fic recs?

OKAY BUDDY I GOT U. first of all!!!! read the fuckin manga at least to chp 90 the boys bond so much its absolutely the most satisfying moment i’ve seen in recent memory. w/o spoiling too much heres why you should: kirishima is the only person bakugou is willing to accept help from bc they are so close they hold hands its really fucking good!!!!  

also there’s a good light novel scene that’s just a bakushima study date! it goes 100% exactly how you think it would.

once you have exhausted canon content get ready for hurt/comfort hell!!! here are the fic recs:

“A Heart Swelled to Bursting” is just like, absurdly good at the whole “bakugou deals with trauma from being kidnapped by villain squad” dealio. I think things get a lil spicy somewhere in there but I remember it being easy enough to skip thru if that’s not your thing. 

“2am Knows All Secrets” is so fucking heartwarming and wholesome!! i’m only part-way through it but i cannot stop thinking about it :-)

“safe and sound” is very good and i think canon divergent? but only after chp 90. 

“yes, you say you’d like to” is just good ol fashioned gay teens at the beach with no spoilers but does have some implied/mentioned spiciness.

“2am” is also p good, its a quirkless au if u just want to bang your head against a wall over bakugou struggling with all sorts of emotion and kirishima being fucking wonderful.

“dont count on me to let you know when” is also good???? its like. kids grew up and are all pro heros now so it is somewhat…. adult-oriented. bit harder to skip thru the spiciness but it is possible. also the title is from a sum 41 song and i too am a twenty-something who is unable to face my high school friends without drinking first so its fucking relatable.

i dont have a particular taste for anything that wouldnt be in a cheesy YA romance novel but still check the tags/rating if you wanna play it super safe since i display a surprising tenacity when it comes to skipping sex scenes in fanfic.