#I'm barely old enough to remember a world without social media so i don't know if hobbies were always about aesthetics rather than enjoyment

[solar-sunnyside-up]

Hey, I’m sorry to dump this on ya but your blog gives me a lotta hope and I just wondered if you had anything to say to my current ails- I am but a very anxious teen and I am so scared. I see so many people talking of how the world “Will end in 2040” or how “damn the past was so much better because it was simpler” and I am lowkey starting to believe that. I’ve got a problem with romanticizing a past I wasn’t even a part of and I really don’t want to live in some awful dystopian future and I fear I’ve missed out on so much because of when I was born :( and how come no one can afford basic shit anymore? I don’t wanna have no money at all! I really would like to be happy in the future but with all the bullshit caused by social media and the lack of money it seems bleak. I’m sorry that this is such a negative ask but I am not doing so hot and was hoping you’d have an insight ? Don’t respond if you don’t wanna

Hey ya there sprout 🌱 it can be really tough out there!

Your feelings are valid, so valid in fact that those exact feelings are why Solarpunk as it currently exists is around! We've all been there!

Between the wages of the top 10% of ppl vs everyone else being greater then during the French revolution, the average citizen globally being worse off then when the great depression was happening, climate crisis after crisis, all while consuming endless bits of info both horrifying (ex Politics) and hopeful (ex Social Media activism) it's waaaay too much for anyone to bare alone! Much less constantly! That burden shouldn't be on any of us!! But since it is, I'm here to help at least lighten the load even if temporary.

The best thing to do when we feel like this is to stop. Find 5 minutes to be still. We are fight/flight/fawn creatures and we will only loop in our solutions without actual clear choices if we don't Chill Out. We're mammals our natural state is Chilling Out and Play.

Next, think about how cool the planet is and particularly how cool humans are?

How there's finger flutes on ceilings thousands of years old, smaller then average indicating that parents held their children up to draw on the ceilings.

Think about the invention of looms and spinning fibers! What other creature could do that? Think about the kids that could build Snowmans without aching fingers because of lovingly knit mittens.

We sing like whales do, like birds do, like wolves do, and we do it to share stories and ideas over food! It is the first things babies mimic! We have songs so old we no longer know their origin just that they came from love! We even have songs to herd cattle meaning music transcends just us but bleeds into our relationships with the planet!

That we have play behavior! Just like wolves and foxes and whales and octopus it is so built into our DNA to play its generally how we learn things! This ranges from agriculture (children tossing seeds around, blowing on dandelions!) To chores (parachute games > folding laundry, playing pretend > usually chores/job based) to hunting (tag! Hide and seek!)

Think about our interconnectiveness with the planet too, how we are guided by Honey guides to find abandoned hives to share in the spoils of bread and honey. How Sweetgrass needs us to flourish, how berries and nuts need us to spread across the land, how we fix other animals broken bones and beaks and help them return home when otherwise they wouldn't ever get home.

Now that you can remember we deserve to be here, that you deserve to be here. We can look at the current situation and bare it.

And we do that by doing small things. Jam out and listen to music while picking up litter on your block, go to a library and just hang out or research something you love, make seed Bombs and toss them I to abandoned lots, make silly cartoons. Whatever it is, it will be enough.

The weight of the world isn't ment for the individual no matter how much Capitalism and Elites will try and guilt you over their failures. That weight is ment for collective groups, but your job as a Person is to be happy where you can and to be kind so others can be happy. The last thing that I always keep in my heart is a quote from my fave author Ursula Le Guin:

Hang in there, a brighter tomorrow is gunna happen. I promise 🌻

[arctic-hands]

I say this as a hoarder in recovery, but i feel like a lot of the stationery/art supplies nerdery scene is a lot like the book buying scene, in that it's not really about what you're going to use/read but about what makes you look the most serious about your hobby, to the extent your hobby is less stationery/books and more just having stationery/books

[multistan-kpopwritings]

I'm Never Leaving

➟ pairing(s): Exboyfriend; Jae Beom and Reader

➟ genre(s): Angst... maybe? Cute Fluff

➟ word count: 2.2K

➟ warnings: Jerk ex boyfriend

You sat down at your kitchen table and set your laptop up to finish some work. As you looked over a sales report, your laptop began to signal someone was calling you on Skype. You would typically decline the call this late; however, the name caught your attention. It had been at least 2 years since you've heard from your ex. You battled with the decision to accept the call. Sadly, curiosity got the best of you and you did accept.

"Wow, hi Y/N," Luke, your ex said, "I have to admit I wasn't expecting you to accept." He smiled that old smile at you and ran his hands through his hair. You smiled and studied his face. In the last two years, he hasn't changed much. His hair was longer, but he still wore band t-shirts and a leather jacket. You'd be willing to bet he had those ripped jeans and biker boots too.

"That makes both of us," you admitted, "What's up?" You wanted to get straight to the point. He laughed and rested his arms on the surface in front of him.

"That's my Y/N," he grinned, "Always so serious."

His words made you mad. Was mad even the right word? Maybe angry, furious, infuriated, irate, or raging would have been more appropriate. How could he say you were 'his' after the way he threw you away like trash, with such little disregard.

You always had a rocky relationship with Luke. There were always kind words, then side glances with jealousy, fighting, and then make-up sex. You never knew where you stood in the relationship. Calling it a relationship was even a stretch. If you spent the night at his place, he was always careful to make sure he got you out before his roommates were up. He held all the power and loved to remind you. The last few months of the relationship seemed like a dream. Luke was kinder and more considerate. You craved something more from him, and it seemed like you were finally getting it.

The final straw was the morning after a party his friend threw. You spent the night so you didn't have to drive home so late. When you woke to leave in the early morning hours, Luke reached for you and asked you to stay. Your heart finally let go and you thought it was something special. Ha, right.

It was about 8:30 that morning when you woke again. Silently, you went to the kitchen for breakfast. His roommate, Josh, was already in there. He smiled at you after taking in your appearance.

"I wondered if one of you would be in here soon," he commented. He waved a spoon at you. "I'm glad this is becoming more of a regular thing. I like having you around." He returned to his cereal. "I didn't think he would settle down. You're good for him." You smiled to yourself and grabbed a bowl. The sound of Luke's bedroom door announced he was awake.

Luke dragged himself to the table and sat down. He was not a morning person. You instinctively grabbed a coffee mug and poured a cup. You knew he liked black coffee, so setting the mug in front of Luke, you kissed his cheek. There was no thank you, just a groan of annoyance.

You sat between the two men and took a few bites of your cereal. "Hey Luke," you began, "Do you think you could stop by my apartment today and help me move some furniture?" He glared at you over the mug and snorted.

"You don't think I could have just one day for me," he growled. The tone of his voice made you shrink back. He didn't remove his eyes from you.

"Sorry," you whispered, "I didn't think it would take so long." You got up and placed your bowl in the sink and walked back to the bedroom. You couldn't understand what you said to trigger that response.

"Dude," Josh scolded, "Harsh. You don't need to talk to her like that."

"I'll say what I want, how I want," Luke scoffed, "Not like she's my girlfriend." Those words sliced right through your chest. You leaned against the closed door and squeezed your eyes shut.

"You're such a dumbass," Josh hissed, "What if she hears you? Can't you give her a little respect?"

"Respect? Why? She doesn't respect herself," Luke reasoned, "Why should I? It's not like she'll leave me for someone else." That was all you needed to hear. He was right.

You quickly dressed and grabbed your keys. You tried and failed to fix your makeup that streaked your face from last night. Taking a steadying breath, you opened the door and made your way through the apartment with your head held high to the elevator; however, the sounds of Luke calling your name were hard to resist. It took all your energy to not turn and give in. He wanted to see respect, this was it. Until the elevator doors closed, then it was a mess. You barely made it home before you slid down the door, sobbing.

It took some time for you to realize you made the right decision, but you took new skill classes to keep you busy and dove headfirst into work. It was about a month before you were rewarded by fate. You were offered a new position in another country. Your supervisor had noticed how your work improved and felt you would be a valuable resource when opening this new branch.

For a few weeks, once a week Luke would stop by. He'd bang on the door and demand you answer, or call you repeatedly and leave messages with I miss you or I'm sorry. You don't know how long he tried to contact you. Once you moved, you changed your phone number and deleted your social media.

Now here you were again, looking at the reason for your pain and misery, but also success and happiness. You shook your head at the man on the screen and sighed. "Like I said Luke, what do you need?" You repeated your question, slightly annoyed. You studied his face while he searched for words. It looks like he hasn't slept in a while and a few deep lines frame his eyes.

"I ran into one of your friends last week," he started, "I asked about you and had to see if what they said was true." His eyes met yours and he took a deep breath. "How's work," he questioned?

"Work is great," you smiled, "They put me in charge of the sales analysis team." If he spoke to your friend, you knew what was coming. He wasn't calling for small talk about work. As if on cue, you heard a set of keys in your door. Luke must have heard them too, he sat straighter in his chair and tried to tame his unruly hair.

"Hey dove," a deep mellow voice called, "Where are you?" You turned your head to the sound and smiled. Jae Beom appeared in the kitchen with two bags in his hands. "I knew you would have your nose in some report. I picked up your favorite take-out." He placed the bags on the counter and started looking for plates and utensils.

"So it is true," Luke spoke up, "This is him?"

Jae Beom spun quickly, he was surprised by another man's voice. He made his way to your side and tilted his head to the computer. He leaned close to your ear and whispered in Korean. "Who is this? Is he a colleague?" You cupped his face with your hand and kissed his lips softly.

"This is Luke," you replied in Korean. Jae Beom raised his eyebrows and glared at the screen. He knew the stories and hated this man without even knowing him. You squeezed his arm and assured him that this would be quick. He excused himself from the room but didn't go more than two steps from the threshold. He leaned against the wall just outside, intent to make sure this didn't get out of hand.

"You could have at least stuck to English," Luke scoffed, "That was rude." You rolled your eyes and laughed. "So that's your boyfriend, huh?"

"Not boyfriend," you corrected, "He's my fiancé." You flashed your ring to the camera. "He proposed last month." Luke chewed the inside of his mouth. He narrowed his eyes on you.

"I know you hate me," he started, "But you can't marry him. I made a mistake. I need you." Jae Beom heard these words and he almost charged in to break your laptop. Your voice stopped him before he made a mistake.

"You're kidding me right," you asked Luke, "Have you lost your mind?" You took a deep breath "I don't hate you," you paused, unbeknownst to you, both men stiffened, "I did, but not anymore." You tucked some stray hair behind your ear. "You hurt me so much, and with such ease. You took from me my self-worth and importance. I felt like I was nothing. After I left you, I was so broken and afraid of everything." You paused trying to find the right words.

Jae Beom closed his eyes and leaned his head on the wall again. He remembered when you were like that. He met you just a few months after you moved to Korea. You were so unsure of everything. It broke his heart to remember you like that.

"I had to pick myself back up and rebuild what you broke," you continued, "What I let you break. So, no, I don't hate you. I hate that I let you do it. That I wasn't strong enough to see that I was so much more." You looked in the direction Jae Beom left earlier. "You know," you smiled, "I should thank you. I thrived after you." You laughed again. "I can't even take all the credit for what I've become. Jae met me when I was broken and trying to piece it all back together." You smiled fondly, and little did you know so did Jae Beom. "He was patient, kind, thoughtful, and loving," you narrowed your eyes to the man on the screen, "Everything you weren't. He helped me without hesitation or expecting something in return. Because of you, I knew what love wasn't. Because of him, I know what it is."

Jae Beom's chest tightened. He wanted to run in and kiss you. You had become such a strong woman, and he loved you more each day.

"I was stupid," Luke admitted, "I should have been better with you. For you." He fiddled with his hands. "I just wanted to see if there was a chance for us again. I haven't found someone like you, ever. I miss you."

"I'm sorry, Luke," you said, "There is no us. There never was. It was only you and me. Never us. I'm going to marry Jae Beom, and there is nothing in this world that you can say to change my mind. I'm happier than I could ever imagine." Luke opened his mouth to object, but you cut him off. "Goodbye Luke," you said quickly, "I hope you find what you're looking for. With someone else, that is." You ended the call and closed the laptop. You crossed the room and finished grabbing the plates Jae Beom left behind.

"You can come back in," you called over your shoulder, "I know you're still there." You heard the soft footsteps approach you from behind, then the smell of sandalwood. You inhaled deeply and smiled. Jae Beom wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his head on your shoulder, placing feather-soft kisses on your neck.

"Are you ok," he asked, "That must have been a surprise." You hummed as you set the plate on the counter. Spinning in his arms, you let him push you against the counter. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in closer for a kiss on the lips. Then another on his nose.

"That was nothing," you said, "Just a bump in the road." Jae Beom pulled you closed and rested his forehead against yours. "I love you," you whispered, "So, so much." You rubbed your nose against him, giving a small giggle. "Are you hungry?" Jae Beom chuckled.

"I love you too, Dove," he murmured against your lips. He had your body pressed flush against his. His hands firmly gripped your hips. "Jump," he said firmly. Effortlessly, he guided you to sit on the counter in front of him. You wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him closer. He slipped his hands under your shirt and rubbed small circles on your back.

"The food is getting cold," you giggled. He hummed as he pulled you in for a kiss again. He bit your lip between his teeth and growled. Your fingers tugged his hair and pulled his lips from yours. He had a mischievous glint in his eyes as he pulled you off the counter. You squealed and held on to him tighter.

"It'll be ok," he laughed, "We can warm it up later." He peppered you with kisses. "I have a craving for something much sweeter." You groaned at his innuendo and faked a look of annoyance. He tsked at you as he kicked the bedroom door closed. He laid back on the bed, leaving you straggling his waist. "If you're not interested, I can let you go." He crossed his arms behind his head with a smug smile.

"Shut up," you slapped his chest, "I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

"Good," he smiled, "I wasn't letting go any way."

[destinyc1020]

I personally love that Tom has close friendships including with black men! I remember Z saying in an old Essence interview she needed a partner that was “woke” and that seems like Tom. It’s also why I was shocked that she was with a dude like JE.

I agree. I personally think it's GOOD to have a diverse array of friendships. 😊 You can tell Tom & Law are close, because anytime you’re calling someone a “brother”....you two are pretty CLOSE lol. Esp if a black man is calling a white man “brother” too? Lol... 😂  

Another Anon brought out to me in private the other day that Tom probably also reached out to Law especially during the whole George Floyd/BLM movement that took place last summer during the pandemic. I agree. I definitely think that he did. Law is a black, gay man living in America. I don't think I need to say anything more. 🤷🏾‍♀️ I'm sure the George Floyd incident affected him deeply just like it did any other black person in America. That was also the first  time (it seems) like people of  VARIOUS races and ethnicities around the   

WORLD stood up and said, “hey, this is NOT right!” Even though that man broke the law, suffocating a man (who clearly suffers from anxiety) to death on the side of the street for a fraudulent $20 dollar bill is just ridiculous. 😔

Meanwhile, other ppl can get away with attacking police, being armed, threatening police, murdering ppl, and shooting out high schools, and be walked away in hand cuffs without a scratch. 🙄

Make that make sense!!! 🥴

So yea, I def think Tom reached out to Law during that time as well, and that's why I wrote on my blog long time ago (while the whole protests were happening) that we really don't know what ppl are doing BEHIND the scenes. So we shouldn’t make assumptions that they “don’t care”.   

Tom was dragged by fans around that time for NOT speaking up "soon enough" (by their standards I guess 🙄), but I've always felt that there is NO WAY Tom has been childhood friends with Tuwaine for years, dated Zendaya (of all women 😏) for years, has been friends with Law and uses him as his stylist, and takes annual family trips to Kenya to do charity work there, and he not be just a LITTLE bit "aware" of social justice issues. No freaking way he's not aware.

C'mon..... 😏

That's why I always say on here that simple, deductive reasoning and common sense will usually bring you to the correct conclusion.

Of course, we can ALL learn more, and there's nothing wrong with saying that "I don't know or understand exactly what a particular group in society is going through". It's OKAY to admit that. The point is, are you OPEN and willing to learn more? Are you agreeable to stepping outside of your comfort zone/bubble and try to see things from another person's pov for a change? That's all that really matters honestly imo.

Again, life doesn't exist ONLY on social media.

Re: JE....

If it wasn't obvious at the time, then it should prob be pretty obvious by now that JE was def a rebound. Plain and simple. 🤷🏾‍♀️ Anytime you're jumping headlong into a new rlshp THAT quickly after a major breakup from a previous rlshp that lasted YEARS, then it's pretty much a rebound. 

Wasn't it a little obvious? She didn't care about anything lol. 😅 JE had JUST broken up with his own gf (and I use that term loosely lol) like weeks before he was going to Z’s birthday party. They had obviously been talking while he was still dating Cari, cuz she had invited him to a family trip to Greece for her birthday in a haste. 👀  JZ had barely even been on a date together before he's on a trip with her for her birthday overseas lol. 

Then, after only MONTHS of dating, she threw all caution to the wind when it came to her standards in how she wishes to date someone in the public eye.  By the 5-month mark, she does things totally different while dating him, even allowing him to kiss her in public.... Again.... she doesn't care all of a sudden lol? Lol😅   He's off making friends with other women and hanging with his "girl pal" (who’s his current gf btw  😏) and her friends while he's out of town, and Z is either oblivious or just let's it happen even though the dude has a track record a  mile long for cheating. 👀  

Z didn't care about his track record.... Didn't care about the fact that he always seemed uncomfortable around her friends and "people" 🥴..... Didn't care about his (supposed) "racist" friends... Didn't care about the way he's treated ppl, etc.  These are things you CARE about when you’re trying to come into a seriousl rlshp from a healthy place, and aren’t just rebounding with the next dude you feel attracted to in order to forget about your ex. 

Dude was a rebound.... and I'm sure her close friends and family knew it too. 😏 Prob why they didn't get too cozy with him. They knew it.... He prob knew it too come to think of it lol. 😅 They just let her do her thing and have her fun, which is fine.  She probably needed it. 🤷🏾‍♀️   I mean.... when your own mother doesn't even bother to follow your bf on social media, and acts like she doesn't even recognize his name when mentioned lol....

Ha!! 😅

This is OT, but tbh I'm still digesting that Audrey v2.0 tea.  🤔 I'm not 100% sure it isn't true. It would actually explain a LOT of the actions that took place after the Tomdaya breakup. 👀  Plus, obviously Tom isn't perfect, but I actually see more reasons why Tom would possibly initiate a breakup (or maybe just a break?) with Z (and maybe later on regretted it), than I see reasons why Z would break up with Tom just out of the blue. 🥴 And her being the dumper doesn't really fit with her previous pattern.....Not when she was dumped by Trevor (who was cheating on her btw 🙄). 

And I'm not even sure if she broke up with JE tbh... esp with the way she's been paying him dust lol. 😅  Either he did smthg to make her dump him, or maybe he dumped her?  Guys usually hate being the dumper, but it just seemed like he just drifted over there in Australia and maybe they grew apart?   And based on the rlshp quotes that Claire was posting around that time (which, she mysteriously never posts anymore lol 😆), it seems like their rlshp may have been a bit toxic, and maybe it wasn't an amicable breakup. 🥴

I just keep wondering.... If Tom is such a "nice guy" like everyone says he is, why would Z break up with him even if they were having issues? 🤔 I always ask myself that question. But I can see Tom (who's more impulsive, and admits to having a short fuse) initiating a breakup (which seems to be HIS pattern tbh) NOT because he didn't love her, but possibly because he was frustrated w/the obsessive hiding, they were fighting more, and maybe she didn't have as much time for him anymore due to her (or their) busy schedule(s). There was also the long distance thing, which made it more challenging. Either that, or they both just mutually called it quits because they felt that it was for the best at the time. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Idk, I go back and forth with this all the time lol. 😅 I guess my biggest question is: If Tom was such a good bf (and that's what most ppl say, that he's a good person), then I'm just trying to figure out what would lead Z to break up with him? 🤔 Esp when she seems fairly chill....

Anyway, that's neither here nor there tbh. The bottom line is, JE was there for a reason and a season. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[kamorth]

I just had a thought while watching old and new music videos by an artist I was an obsessive 14 year old about in the late 90s. It's 4 am on a Wednesday, I'm in a lot of pain, and I am therefore very very baked right now. This is what 4 am social media access is for, right?

I've seen a lot of those posts about how it's hard to pick what era music is from these days and how we have 20+ year old movie franchises still going strong and how that makes everything feel like it's new the first time we personally encounter it (even when we subsequently find out that everyone else has been over it for almost a decade already) and how all of that makes it hard for Millennials to really feel the passage of time properly or whatever. It contributes to how we all feel like adulthood just hasn't really hit yet. I like those posts.

So I'm singing along with this guy who swanned into the spotlight about 25ish years ago in black wet-look pleather pants and jewel-toned satin shirts knee-high New Rock boots and suddenly a new song comes on, one from his solo stuff that I've listened to but never watched videos for, and he's looking only slightly older than the previous (25 year old) video but his fashion sense has drastically shifted. He's now in an ordinary red t-shirt with some generic graphic on it and loose fitting basic blue jeans.

I look at the upload date and it's only from a couple of years ago. The dude was in his late 40s in the "new" video. When I go back and watch again, I can see it. I mean, he looks young for his age, but not that much. I just didn't look hard enough past the clothes and general demeanor to see it the first time around.

When my grandmother turned 60, she changed her wardrobe completely. She told me that proper ladies did that every 20 years, to make sure they were dressing appropriately for their age. I asked how often men should do the same and she said "any man who needs a razor should no longer have shorts in his wardrobe, and no father should ever leave the house without a tie" which I guess was her way of saying "I'm from a different generation and don't understand the question". I do remember her utter disgust at seeing jeans in my dad's wardrobe though, and the way she berated my brother once for not having "proper shoes" for going to the mall when he was wearing sneakers.

It feels like older generations have (had?) this idea of how fashion worked at various ages and life stages that just doesn't exist anymore. When I was a kid, you could tell who was probably a grandparent or a parent or not married yet in the supermarket just based on what they were wearing.

But now...

With advertising and media constantly bombarding us with images and stories that tell us over and over that only beautiful is valuable and only young is beautiful, there's really no specific fashion outside of "Young and Hot" and "Barely More Than Functional Because Other People Need To Be Not Naked I Guess". Even kids' clothes spent a few years skating scarily close to "Young and Hot but Smaller" for a while there.

Outside the clubs and even more in a world that includes this version of the COVID virus, it seems like everyone wears t-shirts (which is the equivalent of our generation's great great great grandkids running around in bras btw, something I think is fantastic) and jeans, including the richest of the rich, no matter what age they are. I know a woman who bought Levis and Nikes for her 14 month old! Working clothes, cheap and durable fabrics, and simple designs aren't just for the working class any more, now they're high fashion!

So you can't really tell someone's age by what they're wearing any more than you can tell the age of a song by the audio quality, and that seems to be a fairly new thing.

Now I don't say any of this as a criticism, not in the slightest. The Levis and Nikes for the 14 month old might be a bit of a stupid waste of a lot of money Jane, but outside of that there's nothing to really criticize about this aspect of fashion. Hard wearing, long lasting every day clothes made out of natural fabrics that never really go out of style - what is there not to love about that?

I just wonder how much this has contributed to the whole "Millennials are the Generation that Can't Let Go of Childhood" perception.

[bleepblopbloop56]

The Murder in the Dressing Room

Chapter 7: liar liar

Warnings: blood, death, emotional and physical abuse, implied past domestic abuse

Also on ao3

Special thanks to @pathos-logical who still, despite everything shes done, wont be listed as a co-writer 🦀 (the writing was done months ago, and shes been doing EVERYTHING since)

The sound of Logan's phone ringing shook him out of the daze he'd been in for hours, sitting on Remy's couch, staring at the yellow walls, and trying to think about anything that wasn't Virgil. He considered ignoring it, letting it ring until the caller gave up and left him to sulk alone, but he decided to at least look at the contact. Maybe if they were important enough he'd think about calling them back later.

But when he saw Roman's contact, his earlier numbness was replaced with urgency like a lightning strike. He picked up before he could think twice. 

"Hello?" he rushed out, but even that was immediately cut off. At first all Logan could make out was near-hysterical rambling- but then the words sank in, and so did the horror.

"He did it- Logan, Dee killed them, it was him!" Roman was shaking so badly it was a challenge to keep the phone in his hands. "Dee, he- he sent me a picture of- of the two of us together, he didn't want me to leave him- Logan… I don't know what to do," he hiccupped, voice cracking on Logan's name. Logan's previous grief-induced apathy had fled as soon as he had heard the call, but now heart was pounding, a lump caught in his chest like he was going to either puke or scream. 

"Roman, where. Are. You." Logan had always been a serious type, but never like this. Despite how often his line of work put him in danger, the life-or-death part of it had never hit quite this close to home. If his entire world was flooding, Roman was the only one with a lifeboat. 

"God, I don't even know…" Roman muttered to himself, pausing to glance around him and even his breathing. "Some shitty Holiday Inn? I'm not too far from the police station."

Logan had jumped into action the second he heard Roman’s voice, frantically pulling on his shoes and throwing on one of Remy's jackets that was hanging by the door as he stormed out of the house. "Roman, I need you to meet me at the station." He heard Roman sniffle and whisper a soft agreement, followed by the sound of movement. "And Ro?" The shuffling stopped.

"I love you… and we're going to get through this, okay?" It was easier to lie to Roman than it was to lie to himself. And it was easier to tell Roman the truth about loving him than it was to pretend that he was over him. Things were just easier with Roman… Everything was easier with Roman. 

"I love you too," Roman whispered, but it came out choked and broken, like it was all he could do not to cry. "I never stopped loving you, I'm sorry I ever left, if I just stayed with you then none of this would've happened- god, this is all my fault- "

Logan hushed him, starting his car and pulling out of the driveway without looking. "Everything's going to be alright, okay?” Keeping his voice steady was a challenge, but he needed to be strong, if only for Roman.  “I'll see you soon." 

--------

Roman wouldn't make it to the station. Hell, he barely made it out of his hotel room before a hand pushed him in again. 

And even if he did, he wouldn't have wanted to. 

------------

Logan went straight to his office when he reached the station, not bothering to greet the few people mulling around. Remy had been promoted to head detective on the case after Logan had dropped out, and Logan knew he’d been working late nights since. He must’ve been in Logan's office for hours now.

"Remy, I have the answer!" Logan began, swinging open the door with the kind of energy more typically associated with his partner than him. Remy didn't react, facing the board Logan had set up for the case. In the back of Logan's mind, it registered as odd that his head was lolling forward instead of leaned back to look up at it.

But that wasn't what made Logan stop dead in his tracks. No, that would be the blood that was absolutely everywhere- splattered across the walls, pooling at Remy’s feet-

Remy. 

Logan rushed over to look at him, only sparing the briefest glance at the sunglasses on the floor. But suddenly he'd never missed their absence more keenly on Remy's face than the moment when he saw Remy slumped in Logan's chair, quintessential glasses replaced by an all-too familiar mask frowning up at him. 

Through blurring vision and rising nausea, Logan took in the rest of the scene. The board, now covered in red from more than just yarn. The cold air coming in through the open window. Remy's torn baseball tee, so drenched in dark blood that not a speck of the original white and black fabric remained visible. The coffee cup, contents long gone cold, that somehow lay untouched on his desk. The missing picture of him and Patton on the desk, creased down the middle and scribbled on. 

In red marker were two crudely drawn masks covering Logan's and Patton's faces.

Logan felt his whole world come crashing down. He had been holding on to Remy's stability through all of this, and now that was gone. Remy was gone…

Remy Murphy was dead. 

Remy Murphy was dead

Remy Murphy was dead. 

And Logan screamed.

------

"Hello, Roman~" Ethan sing-songed. "Where do you think you're going?" He smiled, sweet as poisoned honey, walking forward and forcing Roman to back up until his legs hit the bed. Roman scrambled away from his touch until he was against the headrest, but Dee simply leaned over him. "How are you, baby? It's been far too long since we've chatted." 

"Dee," Roman choked out. "Please don't do this." He let out a violent sob when Dee grabbed his chin and pulled it forward, forcing their eyes to meet.

"Someone's been a little tattletale huh?" Dee smiled. It wasn't anything like his old smile. He'd used to smile like he owned the world. This smile said he was about to destroy it. 

"Gone off telling your little boyfriend about me, huh?" Roman shook his head, gasping and swallowing his sobs in an attempt to keep quiet. 

"LIAR!" Dee shouted, shoving Roman's head into the wall. Ignoring Roman's cry of pain, he continued, "Why is everyone such a dirty fucking liar?! Do you think I'm an idiot?" Roman was openly sobbing now. Dee's face softened, and he pulled Roman into a hug he was too afraid to pull away from.

"I'm sorry, baby, you know I didn't mean it" he cooed, petting Roman's hair right where his head had hit the wall. "Do you forgive me?" On instinct Roman nodded, hands balled into fists in the sheets.

Dee pulled back and kissed Roman's forehead, putting on a fake pout when Roman flinched away. "We're gonna go home now, alright? And we're not gonna run, or yell, or get upset, okay baby?" 

"Or what?" Roman dared to ask, but the question came out too breathless to have any real bite to it. "Or you'll kill me? Do it. End all of this, Dee. I give up. Kill me if you want, just stop this," he begged. "Kill me. And let them find me with that fucking mask on just like everyone else, but never fucking touch another one of my friends or family again." 

Dee stared at him for a moment, and Roman couldn't tell if he was confused or if he was contemplating if it would be worth it.

"Oh no no no, baby." Ethan ran his hands over Roman’s cheeks, gently wiping away his tears. "I love you, that's why I'm doing all this! I just want you to be with me." 

"Then what'll you do?" He clenched his fists tighter. He wanted to pretend it was to put on a show of bravery, but in reality he was trying to keep from shaking too hard, afraid Dee might notice and get angry. 

"Then I'll kill your little love bird! You're such a cheating whore sometimes, baby," Dee crooned, cradling Roman's tear-streaked face, "but you've had your fun now! And now we're going home!"

Roman tried to think back to the first time he met Dee, to remember if there were any signs to any of this when he had let himself get swept away by those initial promises and gifts. Nothing in his memory held any clues to how he would end up here, with three people dead and his soulmate's life on the cutting board. 

"Did you bring anything with you, sweetheart?" Dee’s soft hands petting over Roman’s face contradicted his eyes, alight with something more than poison behind them. Roman shook his head no- all he had on him was his wallet and phone. "Good boy. Now let's go. One hand on me at all times, alright baby?" 

Roman nodded, and held out his hand, trying to ignore the way Dee gripped down too hard, the opposite of Logan's gentle hands leading him to the car after the restaurant only a few days ago.

"One more thing." Dee stopped him as he was getting in the car. "Give me your phone. You don't deserve it anymore."

Roman’s breath seized. Dee had always let him have his phone. No matter the scolding and yelling about who he was talking to, the constant searches through Roman’s steadily dwindling messages, the deletion of social media and surrender of passwords, he was still allowed to have it. Part of him wanted to protest, to cling to his one link to the outside world- to Logan- but he was in no place to make demands.

With shaking fingers reached into his pocket and pulled out the phone, a cheap sparkling case barely protecting the shattered screen, the result of being chucked against the wall one too many times in one of Dee's fits of rage. Dee snatched it out of his hands and stuffed it in his pocket before starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot.

There were a million thoughts whirling through Roman's head as Dee drove them to wherever he had been hiding, but for some reason his mind kept circling back to his phone. So small, in the grand scheme of things, but he couldn't help but feel he'd given up more than just that when he'd handed it over.

The murder in the dressing room taglist:

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