#I'm also gay so half my thoughts about her past involve her travelling with the lady who forged her

[bluewinnerangel]

hi there,

i hope this is the right place to share my story. i ended up on your blog because i have been trying to work through some things that have happened in my past and my research has brought me here. i wouldn't call myself a larrie per say but I have been doing a lot of reading in this space and a lot of what i read has resonated with my experience, so i thought i would share because i feel like my perspective would help a lot of people here understand the mechanics of closeting a lot better.

the bottom line is, i was a beard. i'm from a northern european country and what you would call conventionally pretty. when i was in my early twenties i tried to make a living through modelling and the odd bit of acting. never anything international or anything that would make me recognisable, but for a couple of years i made a decent living through it and managed to work my way around my country's entertainment industry quite well. about a year in, my management company suggested i went on a few dates with one of their clients, who was an up and coming singer (ironically, he had started out on a reality singing tv show). at first i thought they were trying to actually set us up, but it became pretty clear to me that he was gay and closeted. we spent more than a year and a half "together", while his career was taking off. i could go into more detail about contracts and stuff, although stakes for us were much lower than what we're discussing on this blog, but i am bound by an nda so i really wont go into any details about the relationship.

what i came here to say, though, is that i think a lot of people see the relationship between a closeted celebrity and their beard as something black and white, a purely transactional exchange between two people that despise each other, and its really not like that at all. i spent more time with my "bf" during those two years than i did with anyone else in my life. we traveled together, i spent time with his family, went to a lot of his shows - that life can be quite lonely and we actually became really good friends through it. when he won an award, i was genuinely happy and moved for him. when i saw the pictures taken of me crying of joy, it wasn't an act. we spent a lot of time together that wasn't for the cameras, pretended to be a couple even at private dinners or events. only a handful of people knew we weren't a real couple, and that includes only one of my very close friends at the time. we shared a room and a bed. i think people here look at what is happening with harry and olivia wilde and think that they don't spend any more time together than what is put on the internet, and i know for a fact that it's not true. i also know for sure that they are not a couple, i look at them and see my past, clear as day. two people bound together by an agreement, who at least partially enjoy each others company, but who are not romantically involved. i think people here spend a lot of time looking for hatred and disgust in their interactions, and i don't think you will find that. what you'll see is two adult coworkers making the best of a very unusual situation.

now, i'm not here to defend olivia wilde. i don't know her and don't particularly like her, and the time i spent with someone closeted has given me endless sympathy for people who are in the same situation and much much less for those who even partially take advantage of that (me included, though i cut myself a bit more slack because i was young, naive and also very much a victim of an abusive industry). but i do see in her things i used to feel, and i thought it might be interesting for you all to understand that. there was a specific period of time, when my "bf" was at the peak of his very shortlived career, where i really got lost in the illusion of being the girlfriend of a star, and i lost myself for a bit. when i would walk in a room with him and everyone stared and envied me, i liked that. i felt like i was most desirable, most enviable, to the point where i almost forgot that our relationship wasn't real. it wasn't being with him that was special to me, it was being perceived as his gf that gave me the biggest thrill. it became almost an addiction, i was near the stage at his shows every single time, and when i see olivia wilde doing the same i see myself. i think she knows, intellectually, that she is not harry's partner, and that this has an expiration date, but for people who live in the public eye and that are severely narcissistic like she is (and to an extent i was), the public life is the only one that matters, so in a sense if she is perceived as harry styles's girlfriend then she will BE, in her heart of hearts, harry styles's girlfriend, and i imagine that is a pretty addictive feeling.

i hope i didn't bore you with this and that you understand my goal in sharing this with you all. there is no point in overanalysing their interactions or in projecting your dislike of her onto harry. he probably likes her well enough, and will also be completely fine once their contract ends and they go their separate ways (my hunch is that it will be soon but who knows). i know that nuance is not big on the internet, and these are ugly feelings to open up about, and god knows i do that enough in therapy. but i see what you're all doing here and i know it is painful and can feel hopeless. all i can offer is, you're not wrong. you're not conspiracists. this is how it works, but since it's real life it's all a lot more nuanced than it looks.

ps my former "bf" is now very happy with his partner. he's not out publicly but has been out in his private life for a while now. we still see each other every once in a while. it gets better :)

.

[itty-bitty-izzy]

Your thoughts on fi

*takes a deep breath* BOY have you ever asked the right person! Oh and hey y’all, this is just rife with spoilers about SS, TP, and Zelda games in general. Careful.Fi as a character at base level is super interesting to me, she’s ostensibly a computational program that’s been given a set of information on culture and nature that allows her to engage the world without seeming too alien, on the basis that the hero will come from this culture and she has to be able to appeal to the hero. However, that begins to call into question the nature of actual humans, as she develops more personality, and encounters wildly varied situations that push her into new and more complicated scenarios. As she develops, she starts to exhibit personality. The conclusion of this is drawn towards a blank, as she was both programmed for and begins to understand the concept of self sacrifice. She’s effectively terminated when the sword is sealed at the end of SS, but calls into question the very nature of existence. What is a person, anyways, other than a complicated biological machine with powerful thought processing abilities that is slowly fed information about the world around them that they may interact with it in more meaningful ways?At face value, Fi is still a cool idea to me. I know people really dislike the fact that she keeps telling the player some seemingly arbitraty % probability of happenstance that they know to be true. However, I posit that she is actually a means of suspending disbelief. Link isn’t afforded the view we have in cutscenes, or when the camera pans over to a new chest that we unlocked. Link has never been to the surface, much less a dungeon. His knowledge of tropes and patterns from Zelda games of old can’t inform his decisions, and as the initiator of the reincarnation cycle he doesn’t even have instincts from his past lives to guide him. Enter Fi, who can assure him of things which seem perfectly obvious to us, but are invaluable to the first adventurer.Aesthetically I love her curious design. The sort of organic steel composition of her and Ghirahim is a fascinating concept to me. What sort of texture is that? How solid are they? We only ever fight Ghirahim, and his body reacts to damage in such a unique and curious way… you definitely score hits on him, but its almost as if your sword catches on him, a sort of non-newtonian flesh. The steel of your blade forces its way in before hitching, it seems to tug at him away but doesn’t leave any lasting structural damage. Presumably the flesh is capable of remolding itself and retaining its base form, even in the face of violence.Obviously her movements fall under the scope of aesthetics (I love her dancing, singing, elegant stylings) but I want to more closesly examine that under the concept of magics. The Zelda universe is one where magic is always closely tied to song and movement. The Wind Waker, the Ocarina of Time, the Goddess Harp (and Harp of Ages), I know TP did that silly howling thing but that was even more interesting (I’ll get back to this part). It’s not just the legend of Zelda, a lot of games have cheat codes. You input a series of commands that would otherwise make your character move and act in the world, or in other words you emulate movement within the fiction in a very specific pattern, and produce a wild effect. Fez is actually a great example of this because there are areas where you actually have to do this in game, and the motions your character goes through are plain as day on the screen. Your little adventurer does a fun dance as you pound out a sequence of keys, and suddenly the ocean levels fall, or a grand doorway opens. In Zelda, most magic is performed through some sort of dance or music. Music itself is still a kinetic act, for two reasons. One, its production is a specific series of physical positions, as you pluck strings, press in buttons, blow through the reed, etc. Two, the sound itself is purely vibrations in the air, set to different frequencies and wavelengths as you produce different sounds. So both music and Dance are specific, mundane physical acts that suddenly produce these wild and magical effects. The one that sticks out in my mind the most is when link sits in a boat, conducts an imaginary orchestra for a few seconds, summoning a massive tornado that carefully deposits him across the sea. However, I think that it’s a little more than that. I think magic in hyrule is something of an extra-planar affair. There’s a world of magic layered over the physical one, that can only be engaged in through very specific means. In Twilight Princess, during the wolf howls you enter this sort of ethereal plane, where the whole of Hyrule is laid out before you. The volcano, the fields, the deserts, the frozen wastes, all of these stick out jagged and misshapen. As if you aren’t looking at them, and more so the concept of these places. If there was ever a time in the games where the plane of magic is made tangible, that would be it in my opinion. In almost every temple you visit in SS, Fi comments about some scripture that was left behind for the hero. Close examination of the area though reveals no such physical evidence. Instead, her nature as a magical construct seems to pierce the veil and look at the world as we simply can’t. These messages are all written in a language beyond Link’s understanding, requiring Fi to translate. She, of course, reads them back by dancing. This dancing is essential, I believe, to convert these magic scripts into a form that can be communicated.

Here’s Ghirahim doing a weird looking dance as he’s preparing to sacrifice Zelda to empower Demise. At face value it’s just a weird thing because he’s a kooky guy. I think that it’s more to do with the fact that physical movement is a necessity of magic. Notice that he teleports around her, rather than walking. He performs very specific dance moves at very specific locations around her- He’s transcribing a magic circle around her basically.Granted, those thoughts on magic are largely in collaboration with my personal views on the nature of magic. Real magic, to me, is in patterns and themes of the mundane producing extraordinary effects. I could write a whole separate post on what I think of “Pattern Magic” from Friends at the Table, but this is already getting out of hand. Suffice it to say, I think Fi provides valuable insight into the nature of magic in Hyrule and the Zelda world at large, and I wish she wasn’t just passed over as the annoying percents sidekick.

Fi is also very cute, and I think a lot about what her role might have been before being sealed with the sword. She’s so floaty and graceful, but clearly went through great lengths to learn more of the world and what to expect, in order to better assist the hero of legend.tl;dr Fi’s pretty cool in my books.

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: Hey Nancy: how's all the prep going? Rio: Oh my God Rio: it feels good to talk to someone over the age of 12, put it that way Rio: its getting there but I might not 🤪🥴😵 Nancy: same cos Buster's acting like a 5 year old rn Nancy: I wish I was there helping Rio: Travelling brings out the worst in 'em Rio: if I have to see an airport with mine this year, too soon 😬❌ Rio: we could use your 👀 Rio: I'm sure there will still be shit to do when you all get here Nancy: Did your dad convince your mum about a honeymoon though? Nancy: Asking cos I wanna steal you away for a while Nancy: When I get there I'm gonna have so many 📷 to set up and take but I'll definitely make time for any finishing touches there are Rio: 😘😘😘 Rio: s'more convincing nan and granddad that your parents and the rest will help out controlling the masses whilst they're off 🎔☽ Rio: a reason we can NEVER find a babysitter 🙄 Nancy: Oh come on! If my mum gets involved they'll be perfect 😇s Rio: 😂 Rio: I'd be happy to test the theory Rio: going to be so good to see you again! Nancy: Me too if it'd get her off my back 🙄 Nancy: I've missed you so much! Rio: Uh-oh, what's the latest crusade with her? Rio: Girl, same! So much catching up Nancy: Who can keep track? This week it's something about how I spend too much time in my room Nancy: Like doesn't she realise I don't sleep in a cell? I have everything I need Rio: Right? Rio: At least we're past grounding, was such a laughable punishment when its not the 50s or something, please Nancy: malted milkshakes and jukeboxes yes, the rest of the 50s, no Rio: But you'd look so fetching in a circle skirt 😉 Rio: what are you wearing though Rio: I've been so busy making sure the kids are actually clothed that I'm not remotely ready, ugh Nancy: Also less likely to be hatecrimed when it's just gals being pals 😉 Nancy: [a pic of her outfit cos we don't have one yet gang] Nancy: oh my god if you're not joking dad better start speeding! You really need my help ASAP Rio: Don't rub it in, or I'll be at the back of the bus heckling you Rio: me and all MY #sistas Rio: 😍 you look so good, I'll ignore your white feminism if you tell him to step on it Nancy: 😳 x 10000 like Nancy: But I'll demand it Rio: 🧡 Rio: Its a mood, catch me stealthing down the aisle at the back, please, steal the show, kids Nancy: 💚 Nancy: Honestly I feel nervous & I don't have to do the walk/nobody's gonna be looking at me Rio: Awh, don't be Rio: Honestly, everything is so extra, no one will know where to look Rio: you know them Nancy: I was safe to assume that Junie isn't answering me cos he's 😳 x 10000000 then, yeah? Rio: No doubt Rio: I can't even find him to tell him to reply Rio: if I spot him Nancy: It's fine I'll see him soon anyway Rio: God bless him Nancy: I need out of this car now & away from all of them Rio: I can feel the tension from here, babe Nancy: If he spends another sec on speaker talking to his friends about last night's party I will have to throw his phone out of the window Rio: Eww Rio: your brother is 1000% gonna be THAT businessman on the train that wants everyone to hear his convo Nancy: I know Rio: then pops a few blood vessels when someone tells him otherwise Rio: you poor thing, forreal Nancy: He got into a fight at the party over some girl 🙄 But of course the other lad was the only one hurt Nancy: How am I related to this idiot? Rio: How have your parents not turned the car around or at least threatened to Nancy: He doesn't wanna come which means he is, no matter what Nancy: Even if he was 🤕 Rio: Also do you live in Chelsea or a bad American teen drama Rio: the dramatics 😂 Nancy: Right? But it's me getting lectured by my mother regularly Nancy: your favouritism is showing again Rio: We all like you better, don't worry babe Nancy: thanks Nancy: if your parents wanna adopt me, now is good Rio: What's one more is pratically the family motto so why not Rio: you'll have to miss all the WILD parties and the even wilder bants Rio: reckon you'll survive? Nancy: just about Rio: Be honest Rio: if I go to town right now, what are the odds of the kids staying semi-presentable? Nancy: It'd be single figures Nancy: like 5% maybe Rio: Yeah Rio: but even less chance of me getting something wearable if I ask my boy to bring something with him, right? Nancy: Unless he's very fashion forward Nancy: You could tell him to go to ours and raid my wardrobe? Rio: Such a humblebrag, Nancy McKenna 😏 Nancy: If you don't want my advice or designer labels, don't ask, like Rio: 😂 Rio: how is it possible I have nothing suitable in my whole ass wardrobe Nancy: This family has had a surprisingly few weddings in our lifetime Nancy: & there's no chance of you re-purposing what you wore to my parents' big day all those years ago so Nancy: I'll make a detour and pick something up for you Nancy: if you trust me Rio: The amount of sin is truly unholy Rio: my grandma be 😠 at all these heathens Rio: and that feels like forever ago Rio: dread to think what I was rocking but at least I was cute Nancy: So 😢 I couldn't bring a date to meet your grandma she sounds lovely Nancy: [finds a pic of the baze wedding like] Nancy: you were the cutest! Look! Rio: Love the sinner, hate the sin, sweetie 😘 Rio: Oh lord Nancy: Says you but what happened to ME? Nancy: I'm like a different person rn and it's not a glow up Rio: Shh, you look beautiful, are you kidding Nancy: I look like my parents are into medieval torture & put me on a rack Nancy: not cute Rio: Oh 'cos being tall is so unappealing Rio: all those leggy supermodels, YUCK Nancy: 😂 Rio: Anyone saying different is obviously jealous Nancy: How very teen drama Nancy: the girl who hates me really loves me 💋 Rio: better start loudly talking about that Rio: your 'rents will be so proud Nancy: They aren't likely to hear me over Buster's dramatic playlist 🎶 Rio: Now you're just making shit up 😂 Nancy: [records him as proof hey boy hey looking like a moody fuckboy snack over there no doubt] Rio: He really did just look at the window like a music video, huh Rio: also praying you make it here unmurdered now, girl 🙏🤞 Nancy: He wouldn't dare start a fight with us in our finery 👗👠 mum & dad would kill him Nancy: or I could with the 👠 Rio: Gotta stay favourite, yeah Nancy: definitely Rio: catch me being no ones 'cos I'm not coming Rio: see you tomorrow, like 👋 Nancy: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo Nancy: you have to Nancy: don't leave me with my evil twin Rio: 😩 but Rio: so over this before its begun Nancy: please Ri Nancy: I'll make it fun somehow Rio: There's no escape anyhow Rio: so many people here already just 👀 @ me Rio: I'm not putting on a fucking poofy dress I'm sorry Nancy: you don't have to Nancy: bridesmaid but keep it fashion Rio: I tried on some actual bridesmaid dresses but I felt so stupid Rio: why is it all floor-length and fucking Rio: the excess material Rio: I don't wanna drown in tulle, I'm not 5 Nancy: gross Nancy: I promise to never get married first of all Nancy: second of all I'm gonna make sure you look 🔥 today so Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: I've got to start on the drinks now though, sorry Nancy: show me what's in your wardrobe & I'll try & remember what's in mine Rio: I love you but you remember what I said about floor-length? Nancy: okay okay just yours then Nancy: come on, I can do this Rio: [does] Rio: but honestly, fuck it Nancy: there's so much I could make work Nancy: & no reason for us both to hate our outfits Rio: I won't hate it, I'll just be hated Rio: mainly by my grandma 💁 Nancy: as soon as Buster arrives his attitude will pull focus Nancy: plenty to keep your grandma busy in this car Rio: He'd never be that nice to me Rio: even unintentionally Nancy: I will then Nancy: thinking of a scene to cause as we speak Rio: 😏 Rio: such a shame there'll be no hot girls there you aren't related to 💔 Nancy: if only hitchhikers were still a thing Rio: So predatory for a 13 year old Rio: flip that script honey Nancy: it's the lesbian way Nancy: ask every girl at my school Rio: Ugh, turning their backs in the changing room is it? Rio: like half of 'em have got anything to hide, people are ridiculous Nancy: Yeah Rio: Its more than that then Nancy: It's not a story for today Rio: Later Rio: when you've caught up Nancy: when I've taken my make up off maybe Nancy: it took a really long time Rio: it looks 🔥 Nancy: it's not too much, right? You'd tell me Rio: Of course Rio: but it so isn't, its great Nancy: thanks Nancy: a benefit of doing it in February, our faces won't melt off & I'm not sunburnt Rio: They've thought of you at least Rio: love that Nancy: I'll try & remember to thank them too, like Rio: Thank whichever God made you gay too Rio: boys are such dicks Nancy: I got stuck with a brother so I'd still suffer Nancy: probably won't 🙏 Rio: Well you can ignore him Rio: sure you both prefer it that way Nancy: You can ignore any boys you want Nancy: or don't want Rio: Nah Rio: not when I'm this hard to ignore yeah Nancy: all the more reason Nancy: when you look like you look you can take your pick Rio: I already have, that's what I'm saying Nancy: & they're still dicks? Rio: He is Nancy: So dump him Nancy: there must be some boys in existence who aren't Rio: Eh Rio: None as cute Nancy: Gross Rio: Shut up 🙄 Nancy: if you wanna talk about boys you've come to the wrong place Rio: excuse me Rio: you've literally talked about your hitchhiker fantasy so you can deal with it Nancy: I don't have a fantasy I was trying to think of a diversion to horrify your grandma Rio: Sure Nancy: It's a shame Buster would never swap outfits with me Nancy: a move like that really would pull focus from what you're wearing Rio: I hate to break it to you but not really Rio: already got so many chicks in suits Rio: you know this is MY parents wedding, not yours Nancy: but how many boys in dresses do you have? Rio: I'll check Rio: my parents have weird friends, babe Rio: and have you met my siblings like Rio: your the normie branch of the fam, no amount of lesbian angst is changing that for you, I'm so sorry Nancy: at least they have friends, mine have co-dependence Nancy: and yeah, I'm trying to get adopted in, remember? Rio: 😍 romantic Rio: we'll swap Rio: I need the break Nancy: you and Buster would kill each other in seconds Nancy: but if you can survive long enough to end him I support it Rio: Duh Nancy: I've heard 'you should see the other guy' enough to be sure it's bullshit Nancy: you can take him Rio: I know Rio: trust me Nancy: he hasn't lost a 🥊 for ages it's way past due Rio: Weddings always end in a scrap Rio: may as well take it for the team honestly Nancy: fights & drunken displays happen whenever this family gets together Nancy: again, take your pick Rio: I'm not drunk but tah for the faith, babe Nancy: it's early still Rio: 😒 Nancy: they are all driving me to drink & I don't even Rio: Slainte Nancy: exactly Rio: Fuck it, I'm going town Nancy: do you have time? Rio: Sure Nancy: Then yeah go Rio: ✌ see you when you get here Nancy: I'll find you as soon as we show up Rio: Do Rio: I'll be the bombshell Nancy: I'll be the awkward ginger Nancy: 💚💋 Rio: 🧡💋