#I'm already dreading this sem

[littlegoldfinchh]

Finch, remélem jól vagy. Azt hittem végre ősz lesz, de nem. Olyan kurva meleg van, és a saját izzadságomban szenvedek... milyen meleg van jelenleg ott, ahol élsz? Ja és btw tudtad, hogy egy szót sem beszélek magyarul? Most már tudod :D Az internet egy varázslatos hely. <3 Sok pozitív hangulatot küldök neked. Maradj elbűvölő!

Jdhe you're so sweet for sending every ask in hungarian tho it's really cute!!!!!! Wish i were brave enough to send an ask in german but im waaaaay too insecure about it 🥴 this is what happens when ya stop practicing a language i guess fjdj

And omg it's so hot here as well, it's been around 30C for weeks, and seems like it won't get colder for a while either:( BUT my room is very cold and it also has an AC so fhddj it's not like i can whine about this stuff!! I'm already dreading going back to my place tomorrow because that room is hot as hell (especially where i sleep ahgdhhsh)

Hope you get through this heat<3 hope we all do honestly, soon we can finally wear sweaters again i genuinely can't wait

[sandyrantsxo]

BSA humbled me.

For the last 9 months, I felt nothing but shame. Despite the achievements that I post on my social media, I am nothing but a fraud.

Writing this letter while ugly crying is truly such a surprise for me. I thought I'll excel here. I thought this would come off as natural to me. I CHOSE to be here. I PRAYED to be here. But then why is it hurting me this much? Why am suffering so damn much? Maybe I became too confident. Maybe I'm not really smart, I'm just *masipag* and that's it. I don't have the brains to survive in this program. Hell, 2nd semester and I'm already failing. 1st sem wasn't a breeze, though. I remember not having the energy to even wake up in the morning to attend classes. I felt doomed. It wasn't like when I was still in UB, where I felt excited to go to school. But here in DLSL? I dreaded it. There were moments where I could rather die than attend Confras and Finacre. The irony is, this institution was my dream school. This course was my dream course. I prayed for this. I really did. At 13, all I can think about is "De La Salle Lipa". I took pride in being a "Lasallian" and a "BSA student" just for those two to be the things that I hated most about myself. I couldn't see myself doing this for another 3 years. Hell, I just want this to be over with. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Am I dumb? Am I really *that* dumb? Or is it the course? Is it the school? Is it the professor? Is it the lack of support system? Or is it just me?

Or maybe because I kept comparing DLSL with UB? Is it because I miss UB? I miss my home? It's just so weird. I hated UB with my whole guts but now I crave it. I wish I could just crawl back into it and cry and let the ambiance hug me and nurture me and tell me its okay. Is it my friends? Do I miss them? I mean, I have friends in DLSL but it isn't really a factor that I wanna even consider. Is it the competition? Fuck, it's like competing with 10000x Roberts in here. It is physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining to even breathe in here. I don't like it here anymore. I wanna go home. But I'm scared of the judgment. I don't wanna be labeled as a failure.

I've been crying a lot for the past few weeks. I don't know if it's because of my period or because of my grades- could be both though. It's my first time experiencing scoring 29/60 in an exam. A fucking exam. And my quizzes are flunking out too. A 32/45 on a quiz? Fuck that. Fuck me. Fuck everything. Why is it so hard to be just as good as I was in high school? I know I'm not dumb. I'm not stupid. I may have gotten a bit lazy, but that couldn't have been it. I'm not dumb. It hurts how I have to repeat that multiple times a day. I'm so dumb. I'm so fucking dumb I hate myself.

I remember crying about not having 1 point to be considered "With Highest Honors", and now look at where I am. I'm begging to pass. *Pass*. All that in one semester. Last semester, I had second honors. Wow, right? I even assured myself that I might just survive in this program, that I might even do better than I thought I would. But fuck that. I'm failing. Do you even understand how embarassing that is? From being the top in your class, to being a mid in class? I'm just pretending that I have my shit together, but in reality, I do not.

I've reached a new low, where I wish I could just wake up and I'm 40 years old and I'm suddenly halfway through life and I only have a few years left until I die. Yes. That's a new low. I thought that the worst it could be is not seeing yourself 5-10 years from now. Turns out it could be worse. Sometimes, I find myself hoping that I'll get sick, or I could get caught in the accident so I can be confined and finally have the time to rest. Yes, it was that bad. For the first time in years, I silently prayed that I could seriously just die. Come on, let's end it. What's the point? It was that bad. I need help more than ever but I don't know how to ask for it. Hell, I don't even know what to do right now.

No, it wasn't because of the heavy workload. It was more of the emotional and mental fatigue. Unlike in UB where I'm bombarded with tasks, here you are bombarded with self-hatred, and jealousy, and confusion, and 99% of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just good at acting like I know what I'm doing.

It was painful to wake up every morning, realizing what the day is gonna be. I hated how I hated where I am right now. I know I should be grateful and stuff, but honestly, I don't wanna lie to myself right now. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Why does it have to be so hard? I wish I had a single answer to any of these questions that I have in my head. I wish I could answer even just one of them.

No, I don't regret being in accountancy. I don't regret choosing ABM. I don't regret going to DLSL. I don't regret not staying in UB even if I had the chance. Because I know that I tried. What I would regret more is if I didn't try. As much as I love to take Psychology, I just don't see myself pursuing that long-term. However, I also do not see myself pursuing accountancy. So why am I still here? I don't know. Is it the ego? Probably. I'd probably just transfer to UB if shit goes south here in DLSL. Sure, I'll miss JPIA and PFC, but it's better than studying AIS and losing a scholarship. In UB, I could still try and apply for scholarship. I might lose the scholarship for 2nd year, but hopefully, I'll be a full scholar by 3rd year to 4th year- less financial burden to my parents. It just sucks that I have to here in this position right now. It sucks. Everything sucks. Just kill me at this point.

[hissterical-nyaan]

I'm already dreading the unpacking I'll have to do after the sem break ends 🤡

[go-saeng]

good luck in uni!! I hope you have a great day and stay safe oki???

Thank you so much love😭❤ You have a beautiful day too okay🙇🏻‍♀️

[ddaehyeon]

it's 8pm, already had my dinner don't worry ^-^ we're currently going over american history

I'm envious that you don't have history, but it's my own fault for going to a general highschool instead of choosing want to do 😩😂

and i appreciate u too! you're one of my most favourite people 🥺��� - 🐱

oooo i see, i see !! all the best with that. i kinda dread history if not for the way my profs executed the lectures heh and that's good to know!! you need energy to work on your assignments so you better not skip meals >:( HAHAHA most of my subjects now are major ones (tho i have a science subject this sem as a general subject kddkdk) if ever do you have a specific type of school you wished you went through? :oo

[myownglittermaker-blog]

December 21, 2019. Seems like another usual day but not for us 😊 The day that we're really dreading to come as this is the day for our overnight to day tour hangout 😂 after all the stress and sleepless nights of college 1st sem days.

Waking up at 4:00 to attend "Simbang Gabi" together, eating taho after mass, cooking breakfast as soon as we arrived at Angel's house again is not enough for us. 😅 So after many discussion about where to eat. We finally arrived at a decision 💙

Maybe 2:00 in the afternoon, we went to "The house of Unlimited" just beside Antipolo Doctors. Since we are consist of 5 girls and 6 boys (Not complete) we want a place that is budget friendly yet have delicious food, not that big yet comfortable place to spend the rest of the afternoon together, and this place really suited our taste.

After ordering their best seller flavored wings, although I'm not sure about how many times we had called the servers to order, our expenses I think didn't surpassed 3,000 (So for an unlimited place, this surely is affordable 💙,especially we have boys whose stomach requires unlimited rice to be filled 😂 ) we went back to Angel's place and had our own kind of walwal there (drinking Chuckie 😂) and finished the day by taking a Polaroid picture to be added to our already enormous number of pictures 😅

[cj-riker]

So my college decided to change their approach on research/thesis. Before, the research happens during the 4th year but now it happens during 2nd year, and I have a lovely (not) time on doing it with my group mates. Basically, my college decided to move research making on the 1st sem of 2nd year, fortunately we only have to do up to chapter 3 and the rest is scheduled in the 1st sem of 3rd year, but after we're done with chap 3 we have a defense so it'll be ready for the next school year.

What exactly happened during the time we're making our research? Oh not much just that the universe decided that it hates my group mates and I. Just as we were trying to rush our chap 3 cuz we have to schedule our defense and the end of the 1st sem is approaching, this storm came and almost hit our area and after the storm there is no electricity, and for students who are trying to finish their chap 3 that is a huge problem. So we try what we could do, we charge our laptops on the mall, on the cinema, just anywhere that has a generator and is allowing us to charge, thankfully we managed to finish it in time.

But there is another hurdle on our way to semestral break. Our prof for research (and basically the person who is supervising us and our works) forgot to, you know, tell us that there is another group who has the same research idea as my group mates and I, she actually told us this a day before our defense like are you serious??? So there's my group mates and I, panicking not knowing what to do, cussing out our life and the unfairness of it all and also having a group crying session infront of the office of our prof and her colleagues who were the panelist. Cuz seriously, she has months, months, to tell us that our topic is the same with another group since we all passed our topic and outline to her, but there is nothing, nada. So we just let it go, do our defense and see where it will take us.

Now why am I bringing this up, cuz now the 2nd sem has started and yet I'm already dreading the start of our 1st sem in 3rd year cuz of research, and this thought will just come and goes whenever it wanted and I'm just,

So yeah, I'm already panicking and needed to vent before I explode or drop dead.

[kithtaehyung]

hi ryen!! just want to thank you for hard work and efforts that you have put into your works. your blog were one of the things that i always find myself going to these past few weeks and it’s truly one of the things that’s keeping me alive tbh! i absolutely love loveloveee your works. the emotions i go through when reading your works allows me to escape whatever it is that is happening irl. thank you for making your blog a safe space and a place where i personally find comfort in! i also really appreciate all of your replies to my asks. it makes me feel seen and loved and i hope we are able to make you feel loved too!! my sem break is coming to an end in a week which i’m really bummed about. the past few sems wasn’t the nicest to me so i’m really dreading for the week to come… but yeah, this means that i won’t be coming here as often as i wish 😭 but!! i’ll be sure to come by every now and then bc i know i won’t be able to stay away from your blog for long 😅 and like i said, i’m starting to treat your blog like my morning newspaper so i’m pretty sure i’ll camping here when i’m on my way to school. i’ll still be here for 3tan apple bobbing part two though!! so get ready for me to scream about it here 😙 sorry if that went a little bit too personal but i really hope you know how much i appreciate you and the works that you put out. your works feel like a big warm hug! thank you so much for being you <3 love u! - 🪐✨

saturn.. i love you. you couldn't have said this at a better time<3 thank you so much for the love and appreciation! i'm glad you're able to enjoy yourself here and use it as an escape. that's what this blog was always intended for, and i still intend to keep it that way.

of course i love responding to your asks, as well! even if it takes me a bit, it's a pleasure to answer and talk with you. i can feel the energy and wonderment and thoughtfulness in your messages, and stuff like that? amazing to receive as a writer and content creator. you have no idea how many times you've made me smile, too. the love is felt. it truly is. and it's what keeps me going when i have those periods of doubt or times when i think what i'm doing isn't good enough.

best of luck on the new semester! you're gonna crush it and i am already proud of you for all the hard work you're gonna pull through. remember to rest and recharge when your body is telling you that you need it!

part 2 should be up this week, and 3tan9 should also be right around the corner (if my brain allows lmao) i can't wait for y'all to read both bc both are shaping up to be the end of me lol

but truly, thank you so much for this. i am honored to receive such love from you, because wherever you are, i feel it<3 i'm gonna keep trying my best!

[ectoplasmentity]

:/