#I'm actually worried about losing followers or mutuals for this just because it sounds cringe and insane

[carolinanadeau]

Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).  

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??  

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability".  And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

[spaceyflowerswriting]

2 dorks (jace park x reader)

details: fluffy oneshot, gender neutral reader, general canon au, you and jace are classmates secretly pining for each other

summary: you and jace have a painfully awkward 3 am talk over the phone.

a/n: this is basically for anon that was curious about if i had written jace before ! here's my first attempt ^_^

also shoutout to this song for giving me the inspiration and strength to finish this T_T

×

There were a lot of times Jace wished Burn Knuckles was... a little smarter, to say the least. Like, a lot. But other times he was glad they were oblivious and dense. This was definitely one of those times. Unfortunately other people around still noticed, but Jace was only teased from time to time so he didn't mind too much.

What did they notice? Well, his crush, of course. It's not like he made it obvious or anything, he--yeah, no, it was pretty obvious. The longer he was crushing on you and the stronger his feelings grew, it was getting harder for him to act as if he didn't harbor romantic feelings for you. The worst part was he was beginning to think you were noticing, too. And he wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual.

He didn't really know what to do with himself after realizing that. Logically, he could just waltz up to you and ask you out, but that's easier said than done. Not to mention, he didn't want to ruin anything between you two. Being your friend was the only way he could see your charming smile up close and have fun, casual conversations with you. How could he possibly risk losing that?

And so he thought about what to do for a solid month, before ultimately deciding he'd be fine as staying your friend. Plus, if he had to be honest, he didn't even think he'd fall in love with you so this would probably be fine. After all, you two were just classmates and he didn't think by continuing to interact with you and then befriending you would land him in a friends-to-lovers story.

Ahem, that is if you say yes to when he asks you out. Which he won't.

Probably.

"Argh, no, I said I wouldn't!"

"Jace?"

"Huh?" Jace blinked himself back awake. He had fallen asleep?

"Were you... sleep talking...?"

"Uhhh... maybe?" What the hell did he just experience? Some dream retelling of his current situation? Whatever it was, he shook his head as if trying to shake away the sleepiness in him and readjusted himself in bed. "Sorry for the noise," he murmured, picking his phone up and laying it by his head instead of by his torso where it had slipped. "And sorry if I did sleep talk." A second passed before he worriedly asked, "I--I didn't say anything weird, did I?"

"Nah," your voice replied, soft laughter following afterwards. "You know, if you're tired, you can go to sleep."

"But I like hearing you talk." Jace cringed a little with how quickly he responded.

"Then why'd you fall asleep~?"

He groaned hearing the teasing tone of your voice as his cheeks colored in a little red. He could just imagine the cute grin on your face. "I guess I'm tired. Not of you, though."

"What am I saying?!" Cue the internal screaming. "Maybe I should head to sleep... I might say something I'll regret in this state."

His heart pounded in anticipation at the sudden silence at the other end of the line.

Pro of voice calls: you couldn't see him blushing.

Con of voice calls: he couldn't see your expressions and guess what you were thinking or planning to say.

"Well... good to know you're not tired of me." A pause. "Um... you think you'll ever get tired of me?"

"No...?" You laughed after his response, and Jace could actually tell it was nervous laughter. It took him a while to register it though because he wasn't sure what you were nervous about. "If you're worried about that, you don't have to. Like I said, I like listening to you talk. About anything, really."

"Huh." At least you sounded a little more content now. "Is that why you've been having these late night talks with me?"

"Mhm. Well, we've been having them for a while though, haven't we?"

"A few months maybe? I don't know, I just started talking longer than usual one night and it became a pattern I guess."

Jace hummed. "I talk, too, y'know."

"Right, right, late night conversations, not late night speeches from me. I did say talks."

After a playful eyeroll, Jace turned to lay on his side, facing his phone. "Yeah, and you also just said, 'I just started talking longer than usual one night.'"

"Don't get smart with me," you playfully snapped, before the two of you shared a laugh. There was a peaceful moment of silence that followed. Jace nearly fell asleep again until your voice called his name.

"Hm?" He was shaking his head like before as if that would help wake him up.

"I, uh. Need to ask you one last question. And then we can both sleep afterwards. I don't know if now's the right time but I don't think I'll get the nerves to ask any other time."

"Um... ask away." Nervousness creeped its way into Jace as possibilities ran through his mind. If only he could feel more prepared for whatever was coming his way.

"We're just friends... right?"

Oh dear. Now that was a possibility Jace thought of, but also one of the many he didn't mentally prepare himself for. He ended up just keeping quiet, unsure of what to reply with. There were lots of ways things could go wrong. Or... right.

"Jace?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you hear my question?"

"Yes."

"...And your response is?"

While the emotional side of Jace was panicking, his logical side took over to say, "Yeah. I mean, that's our current status," which only made his emotional side even more panicked.

"Right." You quietly cleared your throat. "Thanks, I just wanted to make sure. About. That."

"Oh... yeah? Cool."

"Uh-huh."

"God, I wish Vasco was here to break the tension or something."

Jace gulped as he shuffled in his bed again, turning to lay on his back now. "So... that's all?"

"Yup. Uh, good night."

"Yeah, you, too. Good night. And sweet dr--" His phone made a small beeping sound before he finished which mildly surprised him. He laughed a little when his phone buzzed next and he didn't have to check to know it was an apology text from you. Still, he went to pick his phone up, holding it above his face.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off! I thought you were done after 'good night!'"

"Don't worry about it. Sweet dreams! That's all I wanted to say."

"Oh, okay. Back at you, then!"

A soft smile was on Jace's face as he went to give your text a thumbs up. He ended up misclicking though, and unintentionally hearted your text instead. In another state of panic, he dropped his phone on his face.

"Ow!"

He rushed to sit up and give your text the right reaction. Then, immediately flopped back down, sighing heavily. "Why am I like this," he muttered, cheeks feeling warm. He stared at the ceiling for a few seconds before letting out another sigh and slowly forcing himself to get out of bed to charge his phone. After that, he headed straight back to bed and pulled his blanket over his head.

He had no idea if this conversation would be brought up the next time you two talk, but he hoped it wouldn't. Just to save himself and you the embarrassnent. But maybe that awkward talk was what both of you needed to set things straight.

Nah. It was definitely what you two dorks needed.