#I'm a big fan of revisiting canon to see what's real and what's fanon

[vengeful-horde-of-angry-ghosts]

I've seen a lot of, "oh, Harrow ate Gideon's heart to become a lyctor and that's why Kiriona's is missing" stuff so I went back to the text.

She lyctorized and killed Cytherea while Gideon was still on the railing. She didn't pull Gideon off the railing until after the battle was over. She didn't have access to her heart or time to eat it in the middle of the battle, and why would she eat her heart after the fact? I get the romantic, gory appeal, but it just seems exceedingly unlikely.

[rpbetter]

hello! so... i'm mutuals with this person who writes the same muse as i do. they don't roleplay with my version, because i haven't told them about my multimuse, so i don't think they even realize we write the same muse in the first place. lately, i've noticed them calling their muse "my son", and saying things like "i own him now, everyone else go home", and it hurts my feelings. but i don't know how to bring this up without sounding bitter, possessive, or competitive. can you help me?

Oh, no...

First, let me point out the irony of you being concerned about coming off as bitter, possessive, or competitive while they're saying that kind of thing as a RPer.

Because those are all, unfortunately, normalized things to say from fandom, a lot of people who write fic, do art, write a lot of meta, or just really vibe with a character say these things regularly. It can be funny there, but ultimately, it does actually express those things. It is a statement made humorously to convey bitterness about the way a character has been treated in canon, possessiveness because you're so annoyed with canon and/or fandom's treatment of a character that's important to you, and even competitiveness - your take on this character, even feelings about them or similarities to them, is better than the shit that annoys so terribly.

The difference in venue is extremely important, though. All of those things can be pretty damn valid in non-RP fandom, even when they annoy the hell out of us coming from fans we feel are the ones mucking up the character. It's ultimately that it's valid because it's a way of expressing ourselves, and our frustrations, without being nasty to the creators.

But in RP, you're talking about other RPers when you say this, too. Not just canon content creators, not just fans out in fandom who might express the same things. No, other people who are also engaged in portraying this character as their muse. That makes it hostile, no matter how much joking is wrapped around it. Especially with the prevalence of RPers being intolerant of "duplicates."

Secondly, I'd like to assure you that you're not being any of those things! Furthermore, that it's incredibly valid to feel hurt by this. If it was a random RPer you ran across, it might be a non-issue or an eye roll, but when it comes from someone you interact with, it's hurtful. In a way, especially when they do not know you write that muse. If they knew, would they simply feel this way without expressing it? Would they continue to express it? Is their point the usual, normalized behavior and reasons for it, or do they actually have a case of "duplicate anxiety?"

(Which, for the record, I hate both the word "duplicates" and the phrase "duplicate anxiety." No one's muse is a duplicate, they're the same canon character with different portrayals. They're variations on a common theme, not identical sets. I think where actual anxiety over portrayals of the same canon character exists, this sort of thinking helps that along. But my experience with "duplicate anxiety" is hostility, and not just anxiety-born hostility as a defense either. In most cases I've seen and directly experienced with my own canon muses any of the following would be better descriptors: "duplicate jealousy," "duplicate intolerance," "duplicate hatred." However, they're familiar terms, so that's what I used.)

But yes, unfortunately, it is likely to come off as such, particularly as this person does seem pretty possessive of the muse. And I'm not saying that nastily, we're all kind of possessive, in some way or another, most of us have had negative things with our muses' canon or fanon. It's just when you're being nastily possessive and defensive toward other RPers that this is an issue. If they're inclined to be defensive like that, it's very possible that anything you say is going to come off badly.

All you can do is try your best and remember that it isn't actually about you as a person or your portrayal. It's about them. It doesn't say anything real about you. If it happens, please, don't let it make you feel bad about yourself!

Are you writing-mutuals or just mutuals?

If you write together, this is almost certainly going to be easier. There's an established connection with you that is positive. If you are mutuals who do not write together, it might be a little more difficult. I know that I feel positively about my non-writing mutuals, I enjoy them so much on my dash and in OOC conversations, but for some people, there is a sort of distance that exists there.

I think in either case, bringing it up is the most difficult part. I mean that as in...sending a message in general. If you're writing partners, you've already spoken, maybe you even speak fairly regularly, and it's not going to feel fully out of nowhere to come to them with a concern.

If that is the case, try something like:

Hey! I hope this doesn't stress you or anything, and you don't need to rush to get back to me, I just want to talk to you about it whenever you have time. I know you're not meaning it hatefully, but when you say things about owning -muse name- it's kind of hurtful to me because I write him as well on another blog. It's maybe silly, but I think you'll understand because you do love -muse name- so much too!

If you've seen them post specific problems they have with the way the muse was done in canon or addressed by fandom that you agree with, it could be a great idea to add that. You want to show that you understand where they're coming from and do care about the muse, too. Think of it like bonding. It's hard to be irrationally angry with people when we're forced to see the ways that we're similar.

I can feel the same way. Every time I see them being -referred to in a negative way, made wildly OOC in these ways, etc. just be specific- it goes all over me! I'm like, no, no, no, I've kidnapped him, he's mine now! It's just that as someone writing a portrayal of the same muse, it can feel aimed at me.

Either way, revisit the issue and how you feel.

Like I said, I'm sure you're not meaning it like that and you were unaware that I write him too, but I know that I wouldn't want to make someone feel hurt expressing it that way, so, I wanted to talk to you about it. It can make me feel like, if you knew I wrote him as well, you might not want to write with me anymore or would feel negatively about my portrayal. I really enjoy your portrayal and writing with you, obviously, so, it's more hurtful than just some rando out in fandom saying that kind of thing. I hope you understand!

If you don't write together:

Honestly, about the same thing without the familiarity.

Either way, what you're going for here is understanding. You want them to understand that you don't mean this hatefully, you're not trying to tell them what to do or anything, but these things are hurtful to you. Getting them to understand why it is hurtful to you without seeming accusatory.

And some really careful phrasing can go a long way. Instead of "you make me feel" make it an impersonal "this/it makes me feel" or even an "I feel." They're not directly being hateful to you by intent, they're just kind of oblivious to how saying things this way could be hurtful to someone else. So, you want to make them aware while not feeling attacked over it.

Do not give them ideas of you being possessive etc. by stating any such words! I know the inclination can be to attempt covering bases by saying things like, "I don't mean this possessively" or "I'm not trying to come off as" or "sorry if this sounds like x, I don't mean it that way or feel like that!" But those inclinations imply the opposite, even if unconsciously so. Don't put the words there to bring up that association.

Keep the tone honest but kind. Let them know how you feel without putting that emotion into what you're saying. Tell them that it is hurtful, you might feel judged or suddenly disliked, without coming off as defensive, angry, or incredibly sad. It's probably better if you stay away from being too descriptive about what "hurt" means to you for this reason, or anything you've done when feeling particularly hurt, like having to avoid your dash on this blog. These things can trigger reactions of defense or guilt.

Things you're not saying are pretty important here. Don't try to give suggestions as to how to resolve it, for example. While that is often a great idea when we discuss problems with each other, in this case, it's going to sound controlling. Don't offer suggestions as to what they could say instead, or even state that they need to stop saying these things. That needs to be the natural take away from you telling them that this is hurtful to you!

If it isn't the natural take away and they continue to do it after this conversation (especially if they've expressed being upset about unintentionally hurting you and a desire to not do so going forward), then, this is not a good partnership. That might be really disappointing and even more hurtful, but if they don't care when you've expressed that something they're doing has hurt you, they're someone you shouldn't keep interacting with. Again, especially if they've said they wouldn't keep doing it and that they cared! That means that they're willing to express care and interest only as far as smoothing over a problem goes while continuing the problem itself, and likely, because they don't feel it's a big deal.

And speaking of that...

If they literally do tell you that it isn't a big deal? This is a good time to terminate the relationship with them, too. Maybe it isn't, but when someone tells you that you've upset them, it's a big deal to them. Coming to someone to tell them that they've hurt you is a big deal, it's not easily done. We all have had something that we genuinely feel is not a big deal that has hurt someone, and you know what? That's fine, things can be a non-issue for us but still hurt someone else...it's how we respond to being told that matters. So, if their response is telling you this (aggressively or passive-aggressively, as in "it's not a big deal but ok if it makes you feel that way") sort of thing, you're seriously better off getting away from them now, not later.

Should that happen, or the conversation otherwise become nasty? It's absolutely alright to say, "Alright, well, I don't think we need to keep discussing this, it isn't benefiting either of us. I'm going to just unfollow, but I hope you keep having a great time in RP!" And do that. Stop the conversation, go unfollow, don't interact anymore.

Just because you brought up an issue does not mean you're obliged to be treated badly until they're done with it. Let them respond, and if it's hateful, you only owe the respect that you've been shown. Try to end it on a polite note for yourself - the way we feel about and engage with our muses is a touchy subject (reasonably), it's not ridiculous to assume that it could cause some drama addressing this, so, don't give them anything that feels like justification to proceed with that kind of thing. You'll at least know that you behaved like a respectful adult person.

I really do not envy you, Anon! This is a tricky situation! But I do applaud your maturity in wanting to talk to them about it. A lot of muns out there would just silently stew in their hurt until it became something aggressive, or would just block them. Though difficult, I think this is the right thing to do, and I wish you all the luck in the world!

Hopefully, they'll be like I would be...a bit mortified that I'd made someone feel hurt with commentary I felt was merely throw away statements.