#I'll talk about what happened with byredo later because I will be getting perfumes as it turns out

[yyoon5]

So much is happening, so fast...

I'm embarrassed of who I've become. You might have noticed because I've taken down most of my oorps and anything connecting me to my physical identity outside of this hellsite. I once wanted this man to become my dad, it only happened a year ago and I have a painting of a dream with us on a canvas. Someday I will finish writing the novel I made of it. In that dream I was five or four, futile and fetal, and grasped onto his leg as we stared out at the city over a cliff into a black sunset while his friends surrounded us. And he caressed me lovingly. The way he looked at me killed me. I woke up in tears and that was when I started looking for parents, that was when I blurred the lines of every relationship I had to suit my own broken interests.

This man used to say he took drugs a lot--all I know is he took ADHD medication, ritalin I'm sure. He mentioned xanax a lot (though he isn't a user) and I wanted to use xanax at some point to try and get away from everything. I don't use drugs but I guess he's responsible for getting me interested in other ones (K)... He was so carefree and gave up his familial dreams to persue his interests, and I'm becoming just as carefree. I have embraced my Cs and my failures and now I'm likely not going to university--I'm going to live a life where my grades don't matter, but my actual talent and skill does. It's a fucking dream.

I just can't believe I'm him. I'm the girl who spent all her time alone in an amusement park episodic, I'm done with following the system all my companions grow up in, I am done with being a child. Ever since elementary, where we were already being taught to prep for high school, and now that we're here, being taught to prep for college, I have been prepped for this. It is my endgame in life to get here. I have flashbacks to that amusement park aforementioned often and wish I was back at the end of middle school, devastated but so happy, happy because I was leaving forever, happy because I knew this was coming to get me.

It's so crazy how it all happened so fast...my mother just saw me in the kitchen making apple turnovers at hasty speed because I was immersed, and commented that I should attend culinary school. I'm getting shipped off for a week to another state next year for a writing program all on my own, though I'll try to talk my way out of that one. Not to mention that my win of getting published in a literary magazine and competing in a monetary competition later this year could guarantee me an actual career based on connections alone. If I become a professional author right out of institution, nothing else will matter.

In two weeks I'll be heading out on vacation to Vancouver again to get the Biae notebooks. It is a very symbolic event and there will be tears shed. I wish I could live there but I won't be attending that university because I won't be attending university from the looks of it whatsoever. And I can't wait to make doughnuts at a fucking bakery, holy fuck. Classes are also going good--driver's ed got pushed back significantly but Mandarin is going surprisingly well. I've memorized over twenty new words and am currently working on learning to write the characters. I am going to get to AP too early but it's good.

I'm happy to die right now, my fucking god. Maybe it's just this song, how bad it destroys me. I need to buy an Omega Sapien LP at this point.