#I'll be thinking about this for some time and will project my own delusions on it

[notmorbid]

all-night pharmacy.

dialogue prompts from all-night pharmacy by ruth madievsky.

you're so alive, it's scary.

being a person doesn't come naturally for me.

what's the deal with this place?

you are my best and my worst friend.

are we horrible people?

i like the idea of having someone to come home to.

i can't tell if you're being cruel or if you're just dumb.

these aren't the decisions of a well-adjusted person.

the less you know about my life, the better.

everyone here is a liar and a cheat.

you deserve to have a life of your own.

a person can't be held responsible for what they don't know.

all relationships are transactional.

no one should have that much power over you.

it isn't too late to come back.

you're uninvited from my birthday party.

i love you, but you're such a cunt.

who do you think you are?

forced intimacy makes me lightheaded.

i know you're in there. let me in.

jesus. why do you have a knife?

what happened last night?

it was less embarrassing to pretend i didn't care.

maybe i'm not the mothering type.

i wish i could carry some of this pain for you.

i need a break from feeling so much all the time.

sometimes i can't tell if i'm asleep or awake.

whatever's going on, we'll figure it out.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm scared all the time.

this is the most i can imagine for myself.

if you're not asking yourself 'am i ruining my life?' at least once a day, you're not living at all.

you act like you're over it, but it's okay if you're not.

all my life, i've felt like a dead animal with its skin still on.

it's a virtue to rid yourself of anything that doesn't serve you.

i've never had a day of rest in my life.

i chase after you like a dog, leaving pieces of myself behind, and every time, you act like that's how it's supposed to be.

you don't take me seriously. i'm not a real person to you.

i can't play house anymore.

never say that name in front of me.

to you, other people are always the problem.

you can't reach a mutual understanding without spilling blood.

want to make fifty bucks?

the only way to really see a person is to lose everything you have in common.

you don't think we'll get caught?

our loyalty is to story, not reality.

just don't do anything that could result in a lawsuit or a tmz article, and you're fine.

i don't have the energy to keep up with your antics.

our most beloved delusion was that lying to each other was a kind of love.

speaking our fears aloud won't save us.

one day, the mask slipped. i haven't been able to wear it since.

i try not to think about my life at all.

a junkie can spot another junkie without a flashlight.

your voice reminds me of wool sweaters.

boundaries? i don't know her.

i'm just sick of doing the same goddamn thing every day.

you are obsessed with a projection that will never love you back.

think of me as a spiritually connected friend.

i know liars. you don't strike me as one.

you have iconically poor judgment.

has anyone ever told you about your past lives?

you're capable of tolerating a lot. frankly, more than you should.

friendship can be a slow burn. you don't have to consume it like a drink at last call.

i'll give you a clue. i work for myself.

you make me want to feel things again.

criticism is still a cousin of attention.

you don't have to pretend to like something just because i made it.

i know you crave being told what to do.

you don't have to settle for being a person things happen to.

you have desires. act on them.

bitch, does this look like an intro to philosophy seminar?

i thought i had quit you.

my favorite. how did you know?

i feel like my organs are cannibalizing each other.

how did i get here? that's not a rhetorical question. i'm actually asking.

i can't tell if i believe it, or if i'm making excuses for myself.

sometimes i wonder if it's healthy how much meaning you see in things.

you're always waiting for the universe to hurt you or to love you. usually in that order.

that's how it was in my family. reading the room was a survival skill.

where will all the animals go in the rapture?

a bunch of fuckups under one roof doesn't constitute a family.

my little saint.

time passes more slowly as a sober person.

you'd better not pull away from me now.

there's a russian proverb that goes, 'so much is ruined by saying it aloud'.

you wear your emotions like a name tag.

your resting face frightens me.

how are you both the most innocent and the most experienced person i've ever met?

i need you to just be here with me.

our dead deserve to see you happy.

i like the idea of being marked by you.

i don't know what i saw, but it was more than i wanted.

i know what i saw.

i can't tell which of the memories are real, if any.

i can't believe you're mine.

nobody warned me how terrifying it is to get what you want.

you're cute when you're freaked out.

sex is supposed to be unsettling.

there are things i need to atone for.

you can't go back like it's nothing.

i won't live in service of my dead's vision for me.

___ was a real person. a murder isn't a metaphor.

count five things you can see. four things you can touch. three things you can hear. two things you can smell. one thing you can taste.

banish one god, and you'll end up worshiping another.

i want to be with you, but i don't want to keep feeling like this.

you know everything about me, but you won't let me know you.

you aren't someone i can keep at a distance.

i've been reading about intergenerational curses.

resisting something isn't the same as not wanting it.

anything you say stays between us.

i can't decide if i like you.

most people only possess a third of the empathy they think they have.

will it get easier?

hope is a tricky thing: losing it is bad, but so is having too much.

i don't want the future to come. i have a bad feeling about it.

in cartoons, you don't start falling until you look down.

why are you here? where have you been?

how did you know i'd come looking for you?

you never asked what i was going through. you didn't want to know.

i didn't have the language for what was happening to me.

you were supposed to protect me.

there's a lot i don't remember. a lot i don't want to remember.

i wouldn't have looked for me, either.

we belong to ourselves now.

you know where i am, and i know where you are. maybe that's enough.

when i'm down, vigilante justice makes me feel better.

survival is provisional.

[turbulentscrawl]

No idea if youve seen it yet but thoughts/opinions on the new surv Matthias that is coming? Do you like his desing or the trailer and what do you think his backstory may be?

If there's one thing I can do in this world, it's run my mouth. Of course I have thoughts ;)

Firstly, the puppet is creepy...but I am glad this survivor leans into the horror aspect of the game so much! I've watched the trailer a few times and I have three ideas about the relationship between Matthias and his puppet. But first, a few general notes from the trailer.

First, Mattias's father was a vintriloquist. He uses the line "a puppet without strings," but we do in fact see the puppet being manipulated by strings at the beginning of the video. "No strings" is relevant only to a shot of the puppet sitting on his father's lap.

Second, I think Matthias likely has schizophrenia. Most of the idv characters have a mental disorder of some sort, and this would fit him for several reasons. The first being that auditory hallucinations are common, and Matthias's father being a vintriloquist may exacerbate his struggles with this. A man who specializes in throwing his voice onto other subjects, with a son who hears voices? His mentioning of "a nightmare" may hint at certain delusions as well, which i'll get into more below. Additionally, though this may be a stretch, people with schizophrenia are sometimes characterized with "unusual movement" which may be nodded at by the shot of Matthias being jerked around by puppet strings.

Third, there was an actual fire at some point (that Matthias either set or took the blame for.) There's a LOT of fire in the trailer, and it's not just symbolic. Near the end we can see part of a newpaper at the bottom of the screen, with the headlines "Major...Accident" and "The Puppet...Collapse" with an image of a building up in flames.

Now for the ideas about the puppet itself.

Matthias believes he is the puppet. With this one, Matthias, for some reason or another, feels replaced by his father's ventriloquism puppet. To cope, he develops a delusion that the puppet is the REAL him, and his human body is the puppet he's controlling. In this theory, I think Matthias damaged his own eye as a form of self-mutilation. Children tend to treat their dolls in a way that mirrors their sense of self-worth. Matthias developed such low self worth that he needed to become the more valued puppet to survive. As a result, the puppet is kept in pristine "health," and Matthias treats his real body--the "doll"--accordingly. With this one, the fire may have occurred before Matthias had fully accepted this delusion and was still fighting against projecting himself onto the puppet. OR, he set the fire to "rescue himself" from a life on the stage. The ending shots with the puppet and Matthias switching places in the box represent him switching which body he identifies as his real one.

The puppet is a surrogate for a deceased sibling/twin. This part hinges on the fact that the doll looks like Matthias but has a different name, "Louis." In this case, Matthias may have caused the fire when he was much younger. His sibling did not survive, and maybe his parents didn't either, and so he's stuck with survivor's guilt and a delusion about keeping his sibling "alive" through this puppet. For this theory, any camera shots of Matthias with two eyes is actually meant to be his sibling (Matthias lost an eye in the accident), and the shot of him setting fire to the puppet is just symbolism for Matthias accidentally causing the death of his sibling when they were younger. This would also explain the symbolism of the puppet being kept in a coffin-like box, and Matthias being in one at the end--he feels like he should be the one who died. The dates flashing at the end of the trailer may be specifically chosen because they have some significance to his sibling, rather than at random to show the passing of time.

Matthias believes the puppet is evil/possessed and is in some way forcing him to do bad things. (This one would likely make him a nod to Chucky in Child's Play, as he was recently added to Dead by Daylight.) The trailer really tries to set it up that Matthias is being tormented by this living doll in some way, but as far as the actual canon goes, netease is rarely that upfront with eldrich and paranormal events. So I think it's unlikely that the puppet is actually alive or conscious in anyway, and instead this is all caused by Matthias's own mind. In this case, he has auditory hallucinations of the puppet speaking to him. His hallucinations are reinforced by his father's ventriloquism, so Matthias is even more vulnerable to the delusion that this puppet is conscious. Maybe he set the fire because it told him to, or because he wanted so desperately to be rid of the puppet that he didn't consider the method and the casualties it would result in. Either way, both he and the puppet survived, but only one of them was unscathed.

As far as his gameplay goes, it's hard to guess what he'll be able to do without being too close to Mechanic or Journalist. But I think it would be neat if he and the puppet existed on the map at the same time, with the exact same stats, but only one can be controlled at a time, similar to the mechanic's doll. BUT as a Hunter, they both look exactly the same, and you only know which one is the puppet when you chair them because it either falls apart or launches immediately. Maybe the puppet and Matthias have to stay within a certain range of one another too?

[etoilerrante]

munday - toa anniversary edition!

repost, don't reblog. tagging the rest of toa <3 ty neffi for the template!

Name: Red!

Pronouns: She/Her

Birthday (no year): October 13th

Where are you from? What is your time zone? I’m from the Midwest of the US, but I’m moving to New York in- less than a week! 

Roleplay experience: God... overall maybe 8 years? I’ve been playing D+D for about the same time :) 

Got any pets? Parents have 5 Adam Driver cats (which I post frequently) and two dogs. I’d like to have my own betta fish again after I’m settled in. 

Favorite time of year: Fall! I'm a halloween girl.

Some interests and things you like: D+D, Vocaloid, birdwatching

Some funfacts & trivia about you: I’ve been singing almost my entire life. I picked it up after my parents tried to get me to play piano but my hands would not cooperate. Also, I read tarot cards. 

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? Pikmin, Project Diva/Sekai, Honkai Star Rail, Taiko no Tatsujin

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: Flying type and Umbreon. 

How did you get into Fire Emblem? My friend was playing 3 Houses and told me he loved it. I had gotten some money for Easter and decided to use it on 3h. I didn’t really get into Fire Emblem until I pulled Reyson in FEH and instantly fell in love with his design. 

What Fire Emblem games have you played? I’ve only ever finished Engage and it’s my biggest shame. 

First Fire Emblem game: 3 Houses

Favorite Fire Emblem game: Tellius 

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳 you know this already

If you’ve played the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays?- Awakening: I have plans to S-support Stahl because he took a crit for my Robin. Fairytale romance imo- Three Houses: Claude - Engage: Kagetsu!!! Silly guy... 

Favorite Fire Emblem class: Dancer

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class? Dancer again

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? Golden Deer 

If you were an Engage character, which Emblem would you Engage with? SIGURD!!!!! :DDD 

How did you find TOA? I wanted to RP Reyson, so I went looking for somewhere with openings. 

Current TOA muses: Just Phina for now. 

Who was your first TOA muse? If you don’t have them anymore, could you see yourself picking them up again? Reyson. I would like to drabble with him again, but I feel his muse is pretty dead and it makes me happy to see other people writing him with such care. 

Have you had any other TOA muses? Yeah... I’ve had an embarrassing amount of muses here. Reyson, Janaff, Plumeria, Sanaki, Midir, Kagetsu. Most of their blogs are still up and their URLs are on my about page on Phina’s blog. 

Do you think you have a type of character you gravitate towards? People in love and The Horrors. Recently I’ve really wanted to write about the horrors. 

What do you believe you enjoy writing the most? It changes all the time! I find my favorite writing happens when I'm in sync with where the muse is at, for better or worse.

Favorite TOA-related memory: I'll never forget the friendship between Barely's Ophelia and my Janaff.

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔tee-oh-ay. Like the letters. But I do call everyone the Toasters. Got any delusions that didn’t see the light of day that you’d like to share? 😉 I thought about writing Nephenee for a while? Weird. I also have an Embla blog lying around...

[meraki-yao]

omg I'm with you THEY TOTALLY DO LOOK LIKE SIBLINGS...i couldn't care much about the movie honestly cause I'm a harry fan, i don't like the author and I just generally don't like the concept at all but gonna watch it for nick and Anne because they are both beautiful even if nick could impersonate as princess of genovia because of the likeness 😭

Yeah the sibling thing is throwing me off a bit, and the whole Chinese rwrb fandom lol (They're giving nicknames to Nick's recent projects: RWRB: my love and I; Bottoms: my besties and I; M&G: my mum and I; TIOY: my sis and I... yeah that's gonna be fuckin stuck in my head now )

My own opinion on the movie is... complicated? The siblings thing is in my head which makes things a little weird, and while I was never a 1D girl (I like some of their biggest hits but that was it), I am a fan of a Chinese boyband Teens in Time, and watching the shit that goes down in that fandom made me really uncomfortable with almost... promoting the idea? of a "regular" girl somehow getting with a big star, because in Asian celebrity fandoms a lot of girls genuinely believe in this delusion and really fucking think they're the celebrity's wife, and it can get really fucking ugly.

But tbh, the movie trailer makes it look... kinda a fun? And while the concept of a boyband being like this is giving me cultural whiplash (I might write a short ramble post on it), I'm liking the music, and I'm always into Nick singing. Maybe I'll watch it for fun? We'll see.

[staytheword]

Hii! How are you?

You are my favorite fic writer, and your writing is amazing (+ all the synonyms and better words to say 'best writer ever')!

I was wondering... Do you have any favorite authors or books that inspire you?

Hope you're doing well 💗🖤

hiiiii 💕 I'm good, what about you?

That is so nice of you to say 😭 This made me smile so much, that is unbelievably kind, thank you, thank you. 🥺 I'm very touched, there are so many fantastic writers out there, thank you for giving time to what I write 😭

As a student of English lit my list of favorite authors is waaaay too long, but I'll try to keep this short 🙈 One of my favorite authors is V.E. Schwab, she wrote the Darker Shade of Magic series and The Invisible Life of Addie Larue. She's a really fun writer, her imagination is insane, and I absolutely adore the way she writes. She has those sentences, oh my god... I have to pause and repeat them in my head, they're THAT good. I admire her a lot, in my delusion I hope one day I can write as well as she does, she's definitely someone I look up to writing wise. She inspires me a lot. She writes darker universes, flawed characters, about life and death, magic, the past... Her books are fascinating to me. If you're into fantasy series and magic, I really recommend A Darker Shade of Magic ❤️

For more recent fiction I also love Stephanie Garber and her Caraval series, it's lighter, so much fun, a real love letter to fairytales. She's absolutely magical in her descriptions and universe, and she's SUCH a sweet human being. A good YA duology I read was We Hunt the Flame. I am a big fan of the Six of Crows duology too (I like S&B as well, but my heart is very very very very soft for the Crows I love them so much).

I love reading Ruth Ware, I don't really relate to her characters but her plots are AMAZING. For thrilles, Paula Hawkins! Most people know The Girl on the Train but I actually preferred her second book, Into the Water. I have to read her newest. Who else... Emily Henry is really fun for romance (especially People We Meet on Vacation). For a class I read Freshwater by Akwaeke Emezi and it really made an impression on me. I am a BIG horror fan and I usually, in my personal projects, only write ghost and horror stories so I definitely love those (Stephen King is a must, Joe Hill too).

Some of my favorite books include Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palaniuk, The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga, Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, every single book by James Sallis, The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, Kurt Vonnegut is always good too, I also really like Eric Emmanuel Schmidt for French literature! And if I had to chose a favorite French Canadian writer it would be Patrick Sénécal. He is wild.

Since I study "older" literature I also have favorites in that category that might seem more obvious, but they still inspire me. The Brontë sisters are incredible, Jane Austen, Ann Radcliffe, they are great women writers who have really captivating female characters! Toni Morrison is amazing, and I really recommend her. Sheridan Le Fanu is a great Gothic writer. The Yellow Wallpaper is one of my favorite pieces of writing ever, with Poe's The Black Cat. Mary Shelley, Thomas Hardy, Elizabeth Gaskell...

I read a lot of manga recently too! Chainsaw Man is so much fun, Demon Slayer broke me into a million pieces (in a good way), Spy x Family is SO fun as well...

I think everything I read and see (I love movies and tv) inspires me. I'm really challenging myself with fanfiction because I usually write much darker stuff, so it's been really fun! I'm channeling my inner romance lover. I love authors who write with their heart, who own their concepts, who push themselves. I love it when the emotion is so raw you can feel it on the page. If things are too superficial I just can't get into it. Anything with angst and drama and complexity and flaws is what really gets me. I love to be challenged when I read!

SORRY for this long answer. I could talk about books all day. If you ever want to discuss more please do not hesitate I will be happy too! <3

[horriblelolipop]

I feel the weight of my own life dragging me down constantly. I cannot believe I'm actually me living in my own flesh and in my own body and I have my own brain and everything and. I'll never get another one. Once I'm done I'm done. I'm also slowly but surely letting go of delusions of grandour. Some people in my life might say that that's just a nice way to say that I'm giving up, and it might is, but is it so bad? I'm not going to be the next big thing. Every time I even dare think about such a thing I imagine the whole country of India (India because of similar socio economie circumstances) wanting fame and glory. Like each and every single person in it. Who actually gets that? Definitely not people like me! Sure, I have talents, I have some small, glimmering nothings to offer to the world and those small things could've been amplified by the safety net of money and industry connections and dumb luck had i had those things but I simply do not have them. Facing my own mediocrity is easy when I'm alone, it feels freeing to cease striving for just a minute, a second, but, as soon as I'm in a room with others I begin desperately peppering in my small successes into the conversation lest i come off as the not really motivated kinda loser that I feel I am. It feels clumsy and, like I said, desperate. Like oh, wait, haha, yeah I published a few poems here and there 😎 yes i participated in an NGO project and got to travel for a bit 😎 haha 😎😎 like. All of these achievements feel so insignificant to me. Completely and utterly stupid.

[heartbroken-ghost]

Extreme Trigger Warning: suicide and suicidal thoughts ment, murder ment, emotional abuse cw (some in detail), parents, trauma, family, gore, and personal thoughts about my past

It just feels like I'm so hard to love and so easy to replace. I don't know if I'd call myself forgettable, but I'd definitely say I wish I didn't have to be remembered. But even more so, I just wish memory didn't exist so I could die peacefully, knowing I didn't have to add more pain to anyone else's lives. But trying to die itself does that to people so maybe I'll never leave the way I want to - where I only hurt myself and nobody else.

My mother told me if I left here on my own terms she'd be sad for a time, but eventually life would go on

Because it will continue with or without me. So that if I want to kill myself then I should, just not under her roof.

And every time I remember those words it breaks me just a little more, somehow.

But a part of me knows she's right, even if it hurt me to hear, especially coming from her; the one who said I'm her one true love, her favourite child (which she said I can never tell my brother, which I couldn't anyways no matter how mad I got at him), her baby, from the person that "loves me more than anyone else in the world", from the drunk person that called me one night in tears, asking why I was "more of a mother to her than she was to me".

I don't remember much from my childhood, but I know she said at some point back then that I wouldn't care if she died, which I know as an "adult" now was just bad parenting and maybe projection.

And I know back then I was terrified of that very thing, her dying. I was terrified because she used to threaten it if I moved out. And as I came of age, I was terrified because I hadn't talked to her much in six years and knew her addictions would most likely end up killing her.

Then as an adult I moved back in with her shortly after deciding maybe I should try to forgive her, which happened right before I got myself kicked out of a group home I moved into because I set a fire in my room due to delusions.

Later that year when I lived with her still, I attempted suicide again, which I hadn't done since I was in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital for five months. A friend of hers found me when she was at work and he came by to check on the house, something I thanklessly resent him for honestly. After being rushed to a hospital, I spent the next three days on a ventilator, and at some point the doctors told my family it was likely I wouldn't make it through the night, and if I did I'd probably end up with brain damage. Somehow I woke up the next day, which I still wish hadn't happened.

For those three days that I was unconscious, apparently my mother stayed at my bedside, only leaving to shower or eat when the friend that found me convinced her to.

That was a year or so before she said if I wanted to leave this world it shouldn't be in her house.

I think she still resents me because the CSI unit questioned her and others when they found me because there was so much blood everywhere they thought it could've been attempted murder.

Relentlessly I'm here and yet I never really was

Maybe I never should've been

[juvederm]

oversharing, being mentally ill possibly

i genuinely don't know if this is a legitimate phenomenon or not, but i have friends who "IRL" characters (call them delusions at times), and i kind of don't get it. it kinda seems like kinning to me. i described how i felt about my attachment to josh, and my friend related to a T but still called theirs a delusion. and correct me if im wrong but like... aren't delusions something that u don't know is happening... like ur not aware ur being delusional. but my friends seemed very like, aware. complete opposite.

so they tend to get upset when you "double" (meaning like, you kin or "IRL" the same character as them), or shit talk the character in any way. i kind of related to that aspect, just being overly protective of a character. but since my friend related to me, i assumed i had like a safe space to vent abt my actual frustrations with like, having this heavy of an attachment so i'll get into that now.

because josh is like my most liked loved admired character in my arsenal, i always projected onto him. when i was 14-15, i didn't call him a kin, because i didn't exactly relate to his canon version. instead i made a version of him i related to, and he was Literally me at that point. but also not. and comically as time went on, i noticed i was becoming more like his canon version, but also staying like the projection version of him (bc he literally had the same interests as me, same music taste, same fashion sense, same everything). this all snowballed into a weird thing where now he's become apart of my brain. he has like his own thoughts and feelings and opinions, sometimes i say things that he thinks and it gets me in trouble at times. i worry that like he might take over? and that i won't have any original thoughts? even tho this version of him is a mix of canon and projection. like we have to share some of the same thoughts but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. like i differ from him in some ways, for example, he's like a different type of intelligent from me, he likes castlevania and fighting games, etc.

along with this, i also have a sort of gender envy for him. i always wanted to look like him, be socialized the same way he was, have all the same friends as him, like i really wanted to Be him. so i took his name as a start. and it's always been a smack in the face to look in the mirror and not see That. being confronted with a girl reflection.

so i coped pretty hard. it became somewhat dissociative? i don't know if that's the right word, but i genuinely departed from my physical self whenever i'd do my "rituals" (i say this tentatively because i know this is a term used for OCD, which i'm not entirely sure i have or not), and my rituals always had to be the following thing: between 1-4:30 AM, at least an hour long, they had to have a Story, and they had to be Useful. and another thing, absolutely NO LIGHT. and it wasn't like i wanted to do them (i sometimes did), i HAD to do them. i've been very irritable the past few days because i've been missing them (literlaly bc i fixed my sleep schedule loool) and it's just been upsetting me.

it became hard to do anything, i've had these rituals since i was a kid. they always had to do with something i was currently obsessing over. always at night too. nothing really changed there. when i got to high school, i realized i was never going to be josh, or that ideal projection of him. because he was Me but he was also Me If I Did Anything With My Life. but i got to school, i wore the same black hoodie everyday, i didn't talk to anyone, i had my headphones on 24/7. and talking to people physically made me ill. i actually could not do it, because i would have an out of body experience where i would see myself through the eyes of whoever i was talking to, and see myself as who i ACTUALLY was, rather than the person i became during my rituals. and it stressed me out every single day i went to school, and on top of me just being a very slow worker (i cannot do deadlines), having dysphoria and depression, i couldn't Do school anymore. so i dropped out.

and nobody got why i did, i'm still very much judged for my decision but it was for my Own good. i've not been Great but my quality of life definitely improved a little bit after i dropped out. and i hate socializing with people as who i physically am, i hate being perceived when i can't control what i look like (can't start T, can't cut my hair, can't dress masculine), so i'm just a Girl to everyone which isn't necessarily a bad thing. i just want to CONTROL when i feel like a girl, i don't want it to be my natural state because i want to be Both. a girl and a boy. during my rituals, i always feel like a boy. to be honest, i feel like josh. that's the best i can describe it.

and back to my original point, i basically said all of this (although more condensed), and admitted that i disliked that disconnect i had by looking in the mirror and not seeing josh, i think my friend got upset by that? by me saying like, i wasn't who i feel and thought i was, and i think they took it as me saying "ur not (insert character) irl, just look in the mirror" but that's not at all what i was trying to say. i'm not rly defending myself here bc who am i defending myself to? like whoever's reading this is not like, thibking im the villain hopefully

but yeah. anyway. did you pray today

[somethingusefulfromflorida]

Which font looks best for The Some Times?

I'm starting a physical zine in 2023, a spiritual successor to the Weekly World News parody tabloid. I'm calling it The Some Times after it's release schedule (cause it's not daily, it's not weekly, it's sometimes, whenever I get around to it). I'm designing the logo, and I can't decide whether I want the masthead to have a formal Germanic font like The New York Times, or a modern sans serif like redtop British rags (The Sun, Daily Star, Daily Mirror, Daily Record, etc.)

Old English Text MT:

Fraktur:

Arial Black:

Franklin Gothic Heavy:

Impact:

Segoe UI Black:

If I do with the redtop logo, I like Arial and Impact. I dunno, I'm not a graphic designer. What do you guys think?

The project is evolving day by day. Yesterday I was convinced I wanted it to be straight up satire, nothing but junk stories like Bigfoot Stole my Husband or Conjoined Twins Run for Office Against Each Other, and I do definitely want to include that as a part of it, but I think there needs to be more to the whole zine than just comedy sensationalism. I want it to be a biting satirical publication with a backbone of sincerity. I want there to be a variety of articles and columns for different topics, some serious, some parody, all comedic in tone. Maybe something like a less tongue-in-cheek version of The Onion.

I'm doing this mostly for me, just so I can have a physical piece of media containing my own work with my own name on it, even if nobody else ever reads it. I would like to have a mail list so I can actually send it off to subscribers like the newsletters and magazines of my youth, but I'm taking it one step at a time; zines aren't born overnight, and audiences don't just appear out of nowhere. I would need to cultivate a readership, which means expanding beyond this blog and trying to reach people on other platforms or in the real world; you guys seem to like my inane ramblings, so maybe others will too.

I don't want to get ahead of myself with delusions of grandeur; I need to scale things back and just focus on creating the first issue before I start thinking about distribution. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

[die-rosastrasse]

Sorry to rant to you, but I feel that living romantically is impossible in America. The land doesn’t exude the same energy as Europe (which I’ve been fortunate to visit several times). But visiting Europe has never been enough; I need to live there in order to experience my soul in all its fullness. I feel more French than I do American and I feel more like myself when I express myself in French rather than English.

Your life is my dream life, and how I really feel inside. I’ve always been a tormented romantic spirit, and as a woman in her early twenties I feel that I don’t have the means yet to make the move overseas. I try expressing romance through the clothes I wear, the literature I consume, my hobbies (knitting and writing poetry), soaking in tea and cloudy days. But it is all in vain; France and Europe runs through my blood and haunts me whenever I’m not there. What do you recommend that I do?

This is a difficult, yet interesting question! I'm not sure I have the right answer or if it exists at all. I understand your feeling, I believe we are quite similar inside with the quest for beauty, history and a romantic life. I'm not going to lecture you about the dangers of romanticizing certain things or places - I believe it's one of the nicest forms of delusion. If you won't let life crush this image, romanticizing might even help ignore the worse parts, enhance the better parts, and appreciate what fate has given you. I know I tend to romanticize the hell out of my city and Europe, so it's not my place to judge or tell you to wake up. Similarly, I'm not going to explain to you the darker side of this continent, like the grayness, blocks of flats, cigarette smoke, trash. I mean, they are there, but firstly, you've already been here multiple times so you're aware of them, and secondly, no place is perfect and I'll take whatever dirty city here over the mess of US, which we all know is full of its own flaws. I'm a firm believer that we might be born with a certain place being destined for us. Some people long for different countries and climates and ways of life, and hopefully they find their true home, whether it's a small island in the Pacific or top of a skyscraper in Tokio. It's part of self discovery to look for this place and eventually move there, but I know that it can be a privilege, unattainable for some. I studied in a department of foreign languages, so I've known a lot of people who felt their heart belonging in another country. And that made me think - you might try studying in Europe if you ever have the chance. It's usually free, minus the cost of living, and I don't know your financial situation, but it might be necessary to get a job on the side. I know it might be hard, but consider this as an option for one day. Studying is supposed to be fun and opens many door like exchanges, internships, group projects, not to mention learning of the language and meeting people. Your heart seems to know what it wants, so you'll always be on the right path. I hope that wherever life puts you, you'll love it and be able to keep the beautiful romantic spirit that you have. I wish you luck! ❤️

[soupbabe]

Shun Kaidou x Male! Reader HCs

Best boy best boy best boy!!! also may or may not sneak some Transguy!Kaidou in this too, hope that y'all don't mind!

Poor boy saw you for the first time and automatically thought you were the prettiest boy he ever saw, so when you introduced yourself to him he stammered like a fool for 2 minutes, then went on with the dramatic 'Jet Black Wings' introduction

You had to discreetly ask other students if you were allowed to play along with his hero delusion or if you had to break it to him that the Dark Reunion doesn't exist

You went a long with it just a tad, you couldn't fully shut him down because of the sad and discouraged look on his face when people made fun of him for it

I can imagine once Kaidou starts developing feelings for you, he was on edge and harsher (?) because in his mind you suddenly became an undercover villain the Dark Reunion sent to befriend him and then get rid of

Even though the reality of it was that he just never dealt with a genuine crush before and it scares him

Queue Saiki stepping in to set things straight because it did hurt you a bit to see Kaidou go on and claim that you're some evil enchanter dude out to get him and he started distancing himself away from you. Don't be mistaken, Kaidou definitely felt the effects of his own actions too. He apologized so many times once Saiki had to get involved because it weirded him out to see his friend classmate get so down because of a guy

Also Saiki was the one to clarify to Kaidou that what he was experiencing was a crush, unintentionally starting too many plans on how Kaidou will win you over and you'll become his boyfriend

Project "Make Y/N my super amazing and cute and handsome boyfriend" is a go!

It starts off with daily compliments, that usually has him hyping himself up with his Hero persona, then him absolutely losing his cool once he actually sees you

"Hey Y/N! You look handsome today!" Oh my god did his voice just crack. "Oh thanks, but are you sick or something? Your face is red."

Okay okay Plan A isn't going that well,,, onto Plan B: Impress him!

This meant that you were constantly being "saved" by The Jet Black Wings, even though the saving was just preventing you from going through minor inconveniences

I swear to God it's like a 6th sense this simp had. Hands are full and the door almost closed on you? Boom, here's Kaidou to save the day! Almost tripped on some litter on the ground on your way to school? Kaidou literally yelled + kicked at it and claimed that it was a trap planted by the Dark Reunion since they knew that you were close to him

You aren't that dumb, you had that suspicion that he had a crush on you so you decided to talk to him privately about it via a study session at your house

So when it was time to address his recent behavior, his brain hit the panic button because this wasn't supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to catch on this early. He waved his hands around, frantically apologizing if he made you uncomfortable and if you wanted to stay friends that's 100% okay with him a-

You had to shut him up with a lil kiss on the cheek and told him that you want him to be your boyfriend too.

Nice going Y/N, not even a minute into your new relationship and you're already sure you killed your bf

He got so red faced he passed out-

Considering how he reacted to a little kiss, y'all don't do pda at all unless you want to fluster him

Which doesn't take much, hold his hand on the way to school and he goes "Y/N!!SJSNSKKSBZJSNSHAJ" "Shun, how were you able to even pronounce that?" "It's one of the many secret abilities the Jet Black Wings has yet to show you, darling Y/N!"

You're his sidekick now, even if you don't fully commit to the hero bit. He'll ask you for back up when he's faced with a great foe

You better back him up. Mostly to be a good boyfriend. Secondly, if he's trying to stand up to someone bigger than him (which to be fair. Is literally everyone) there's a good chance you need to be on standby just in case we need a trip to the nurse's office

He likes to call you his Second in Command or he shows you hero name ideas for you in his notebook

He has a separate notebook for your Relationship btw and it's very cute

When you both hang out at Shun's house, it has to be under the excuse of it being for studying just because he hasn't come out as gay yet to his mom yet. He has a feeling that his mom would be okay with it. Like she accepted that her son was trans, but it still makes him nervous

Mama Kaidou already knows and doesn't mind you dating her son. His grades actually have gone up since the relationship started so she's happy and will mind her own business

Y'all actually do study in this at home sessions and it's actually kind of cute. Celebratory kisses when he does well in reviews and at the end y'all cuddle while he gets to ramble about his plans on defeating the Dark Reunion

Dating Shun also involves making sure he's doing okay and he's not pushing himself too hard despite him being a kick ass "superhero"

This mostly comes in when he gets dysphoric and wears his binder for too long

"Shun, it's necessary for you to take breaks. Wearing your binder for longer than you should will mess up your transition in the future." "But I'm okay! You forget I'm not a mere mortal I can handl-" "I'll let you wear my sweaters." "*👀* Okay!"

Days like those are just the both of you cuddling, him wearing your sweater/hoodie, and you giving Shun little remarks to make him feel better

His favorite is when you call him "my hero" or simply "handsome man"

Please run your fingers through his hair it makes him so happy

If you don't wanna wear his hoodies or if you can't, he'll gladly lend you his various rings and necklaces

"This ring was blessed by the gods for ultimate protection against enemies! I think it's the best for you to wear this when I'm not around to protect you."

It was one of those glow in the dark rings you get at arcades, but you couldn't break the proud smile on his face.

Also likes to gift you crystals too! It doesn't matter if they end up not being 100% real, you still put them proudly on your desk and Shun gets so overjoyed when he finds out they aren't just casted aside

He's so happy with you, he finally has someone who loves him and doesn't judge him on his hero complex and doesn't mind the awkward guy behind it too. He gives you many kisses when he is reminded of that and constantly reminds you how lucky he is to have you as his boyfriend <3

[theblognobodyfoundlastyear]

Maybe the days really aren't that -- Okay, it is really that bad...

I'll let you in on a little secret here: We're getting older. Well, not a secret per se, but for those in the know, you'd know what I'm referring to specifically. I suppose for the general audience out there, if one still exists, you might have noticed me looking tired and/or sadder than usual. Don't be alarmed, it's nothing like that. But I do wonder whether I can truly hold onto the ideals of yesteryear, to continue goofing around "while we were young".

One might suppose it's rare to to be this introspective during one of those life stage shifts. Granted, we haven't really cared too much about making it to the next level in one piece, but this time, things are different and more than in just the usual ways. Namely: Cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, paying for various life expenses, looking after one's own health, getting private health insurance, and the works. I mean, I didn't sign up for this malarkey! If I put on my tinfoil hat, I might as well say that a certain someone has been throwing me under the bus all this time. Or, more probably, I just didn't care enough to prepare for this tectonic shift.

For some reason, I'm reminded of these poetic lines from yonder:

Everything stays right where you left it Everything stays But it still changes Ever so slightly, daily and nightly In little ways, when everything stays

And perhaps that's the way it goes: Things changing to some small, possibly even irrelevant degree. But adding up the total change over time, and you've got a transition into a new era. Is it possible to keep up with the times such that this shouldn't be a surprise? If only we'd been more risky in the sense of pursuing change (to even "seek discomfort", as one might put it), things might have turned out differently. And even now, taking a risk of that extent is now too costly. Suffice to say, you've done goofed, bucko.

Okay, so we've donked up big time, not only making the least of our "youth" but also managing to mess up every major opportunity so far. We've barely any real life skills, our finances are going down the drain just trying to stay alive these days and this is allegedly the peak of "adulthood". Well, it's only downhill from here... The optimist would always say that there's ample opportunity to get right, even when it might seem to late. I would rather think that my own unhappiness being the backbone of everyone else's joy is the only thing that's keeping the midnight oil burning these days. Of course, that could be an outright delusion of me projecting my failings onto others, but would you know any better?

Then suppose a change of heart is possible, even this late in the game: Of what value is pursuing this change? For the result would be sub-optimal compared if such an initiative were pursued earlier on, so are the gains truly worth it? Madly scrambling for one's happiness seems like such a middle-age thing to do. Almost as if we were destined to go down this long road that leads nowhere.

Not to mention, we can always double down on our poor life decisions, knowing full well we're living the sub-optimal life but always being content knowing "that's just the way it's going to be, little darlin'". To be fair, we did give that a chance (as evident on this blog, I suppose) and look where it got us: nowhere. To that end, pursuing for the things one has regrettably passed over, knowing full well that the end result will be a sub-optimal gain as well as the fact that odds are progressively stacked up against this endeavour, may very well be our saving grace in this dog-eat-dog world.

So maybe there is some hope for us after all? Don't get too optimistic, you know what we're like when it comes to actioning crucial life-changing measures (i.e. negligent).

'Til next time, young padawan.

Not surprisingly, change is amplified the older you get. So, in theory, staging all changes until the end is bound to produce the largest (positive and negative) gains, right?

[anexlarrieblog]

i'll share my unlarrying story: i got into it when i was read some article about internet conspiracy theories and obvs babygate was included. i was left kinda curious and decided to look up some larry videos, binged the freddieismyqueen channel and became enamored with them. thought they were very cute together, believed they were unambiguously flirtatious with each other and the idea of a secret gay relationship in the biggest boyband in the world seemed very attractive and reaffirming to me +

as a 17 year old queer girl. the "love story" larries made up deeply moved me and made me become even more fascinated with our community's prosperity despite oppressive circumstances. i felt more connected to it, to my queer identity and that made me feel really happy, hopeful, emotionally fulfilled. months later, i lost interest in it and rarely engaged with the tumblr fandom, which was where i got the larry 101 knowledge and the only place i interacted with it besides youtube. + the only times i thought about it was when i saw people discussing harry's "ambiguous" sexuality and speculating about his personal life. i never tried to refute them because i didn't care enough to, but in my head i thought i knew how wrong they were because i happened to know harry was gay and in a long-term relationship with louis. i still retained that fake knowledge and believed i knew The Truth even though i didn't have any emotional attachment to it anymore. + i realized i was wrong when i found the portraitofalarryonfire blog and one of their many posts debunking Larry really caught my attention and had a big emotional impact on me. the points were completely coherent and well argued, so i decided to binge their tag on the subject and ended up opening my eyes completely. that was actually a hard time for me because i spent a few weeks on some sort of "grief": being extremely sad, affected, shattered rly because i had believed in a conspiracy theory + and allowed my queer projections to take over my rationality in such a big way. i was truly shocked at how naive i didn't even know i could be. nowadays, i engage with fandom in a much more mature and level-headed way and i'm very thankful to the debunkers because Larry ended up becoming a gateway to a few other CTs i ended up believing on some level: Kaylor, Gaylor, Benedict Cumberbatch's babygate and "stunt" marriage... i feel so embarrassed to admit this lmao + especially because i was NEVER conspiracy minded before Larry, but it got in my head and rotted my brain for a while. i felt in my skin how harmful and dangerous conspiracy theories are to a person's mind. but thanks to the debunkers, i'm free of all of those delusions, fully aware of how much better living in reality, minding my own business and not getting invested in strangers's personal lives, no matter how much i admire and feel affection for them, is. + i don't follow their careers anymore, but i really hope more of HL's fans that have yet to come to those realizations continue to do so as soon as possible and that all conspiracy informed thought gets eradicated from the world one day.

——————————————————————————

Thanks anon for sharing your un-larrying story so honestly. Sounds quite painful but I’m so glad you are out the other side and actually in a healthier place and happier mindset 😊 what you have said about your own queer experience and larrying resonated with me. I actually got into Larry around about the same time I was coming to grips with my own sexuality and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. It’s something people often find uncomfortable talking about but I think it’s important to acknowledge. A lot of Larries are/claim to be part of the LGBT+ community and I don’t think that’s a coincidence either. It does make you feel so uncomfortable when you realise that you were using something as a comfort that is actually pretty fucking harmful and just downright untrue. I agree the debunks are very important and I think it’s important that people continue to talk about the harmfulness of Larrie. My hope is that one day Larrie ceases to exist. It’s went further than any CT that I’m aware of and has caused harm to Louis, Harry and their families.

Thanks again for sharing anon, come chat to me anytime 💕

[kae-karo]

Fanfic Ask Meme

Q!!

ahh hello dear!! for context (x)

Q: Do you have any discarded scenes/storylines/projects?

oooo very good question! i try to live under the philosophy of 'never say never', in that if i've given smth some thought, i'll never say that i'd never come back to it, but i do have a handful of ideas that i've definitely set aside for the time being. i'm a firm believer in following wherever inspiration strikes, so if i'm not vibing with an idea at the moment, i'll set it aside and return to it if/when i feel like it or get some new ideas (or fresh brainrot lmao)

and i say 'never say never' because i first had the idea for 'here's our own hands against our hearts' back in may of 2021, and i didn't even start writing it til september, and ofc i didn't finish/start posting til december

so, in no particular order, some concepts i've set aside for the moment and hope to return to some day:

(bnha) immortal baku who's stuck with the only other immortal, deku, to help him figure out how to break the curse of immortality. on par with canon, baku very much detests deku :) enemies to lovers style

(genshin from here on out) struggling artist kaeya who lucks into an encounter with renowned art connoisseurs zhongluc, healing and self love ensues

murder husbands zhongchi from the 'to love (and be loved in return) universe, both the getting-together past aspects and the plot after kaeluc's story

a kaeluc tarot fic that follows the progression of the tarot major arcana as inspiration for plot points during a canon-divergent au

Lovesick Fool expanded modern teyvat au, zhongchi getting together fic

dragon zhongli x phoenix diluc

a scene from hoohaoh (x) where childe and diluc talk about how diluc's father might've come into possession of a delusion - it felt a little more heavily focused on some diluc trauma and healing that didn't quite fit with the rest of the story

diluc tricking his roommate kaeya into thinking he's a hot tinder date coming over soon so kaeya will actually clean the house, but kaeya...actually falls for this 'date' pretty hard...

actual pirate kaeya with stowaway childe - canon-divergent au where kaeya's sort of captain of the mond fleet, docked in liyue when childe's escaping the millileth

xiaoven where xiao finally chases after the little spark that floats away from him in his idle only to discover that it's venti

the actual original scene i had in mind that 'to love (and be loved in return)' (x) began to revolve around was a soft kaeluc scene in the hidden-away library where kaeya first showed diluc his magic, and it's also where they first kissed 'for real'...ofc, that never made it into the story, as it evolved quite a lot in other directions lmao

tl(ablir) actually had a LONG history of struggling with the main plot in the background - i went back and forth on crepus being the main antagonist, kaeya's father being the antagonist, the abyss being the antagonist, and so on. intentional and unintentional, in some cases, it went on quite a lot, but none of those concepts really fit the story i wanted to tell

oh another from tl(ablir) - kaeya getting just a little Too Drunk and diluc pushes him too far, implies that he doesn't care about his people (this ended up not fitting well with what i'd established between them). this was going to be his dialogue for the scene:

they have been dying since before i was born i know that they're dying they're dying right now and i can do nothing to stop it. do you think it even occurred to me to refuse your father's offer if it meant helping my people? do you think i drink for FUN? you must think me immeasurably callous if you assume i do not care that my people suffer for our ancestor's mistakes. you must think me heartless, then. and i'd rather be, than face for even a moment the overwhelming grief of so many dead while i sit here in your cushy palace, comfortable and safe

there are also some other ideas that i haven't quite decided to set aside just yet, but who knows when exactly they'll crop up lmao

send me fic asks!

[dorkandstormy]

So I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw this post that had a thread of therapy gems from people on twitter. I was reading them and a lot of them were things I knew already some I just learned and some that i felt but didn't recognize I knew. I came across one specific one though that I knew was really for me.

THIS! and I cannot stress enough THIS! I tried to explain this to someone one but it didn't come out as well as I had hoped.

I was physically abused before kindergarten. Like beatings abused. When we moved I ended up mentally abused by narcissistic family members. The self hate they projected as life lessons were very detrimental. I was alone in everything. Prey in my home and my own family. For what I used to think was my fault or sometimes what I knew was nothing. The biggest influence in my life was a broken self hating narcissistic compulsive liar a replica of the egg donor that abandoned me because she never wanted me to begin with.

Well, fast forward to middle school where I started to really find myself attracted to guys but knew I never planned on acting on it. Too self conscious from the bullying and abuse I dealt with at home. I make it to high school and I experienced a few sexual assaults which made those feelings so much worse. My best friend always made sure the men or boys that came around knew I was shy and a virgin and to stay away from me. It was the virgin word that made me more of a target though so when she thought she was helping she wasn't really. I made to 10th grade with just some gropings forced touchings and a few people shoving their tongues down my throat though serious not grand on the scale of sexual assaults. However, just when i thought I was gunna be ok the guy my best friend was talking to came to hang outside one night with her while I was there. I did my normal mind my business let me go somewhere else. I didn't get far it was dark outside and my best friend didn't want me to go far so we all just ended up leaning against the same car by his friend's apartment building door (which was in the same parking lot as my own). Anyways, they talked i went to a side where they weren't and did what I normally did, talk to myself to pass the time. The next thing I knew he was walking up to me with this look in his eye but there was this smile in his face. He didn't even say anything and the next thing I knew he was aggressively tryna to put his hand in my pants. I said no and I tried to move but he grabbed me. I tried to grab his hands and he in a swift movement had both of them in one hand still trying to get in my pants with the other hand. The look in his eyes is something I'll never forget. He enjoyed the fight. He was on a mission and he was gunna succeed. But then he didn't because my best friend jumped on him i got a hand loose and we fought him off. He went back to his friends house and we went to ab adult neighbor friend. Well, I didn't I sat outside and cried. I told 3 adults that day what happened. The male adult got really angry and set out like he was gunna do something. The two women held me and let me cry. Nothing happened to him. In fact my best friend kept dealing with him and he ender up trying to do the same thing to her except his nails breached her sweatpants but wasn't fully successful she got away. I had to look at him every day and every day he smiled that same smile at me. I was so afraid, but because of what I dealt with at home I didn't say anything so I just went about life. A few months later in drivers ed a guy I knew text me about how it was time for me to lose my virginity. I laughed it off but every day in class that was the text conversation. He tried to use charm but it was an aggressive charm. It triggered that feeling in me I felt against that car and I ended up submitting and letting him take it. I told myself that it was better than what happened before. What I didn't know was that boy was exactly like the female influence in my life.

It started off random sex meetings here and there. I lived my life he lived his. I made it to almost the end of 11th grade before I got kicked out. Went to job corps had other relationships and all that, but i was always uncomfortable and trying to find my own positive sexuality.

When I came back home that meant going back to what I knew. Who I lost my virginity to. Him and I messed around again except this time he was on some love shit. He would tell me he loved me but didn't want to be with me. He was in exclusive relationships multiple at a time with other people cheating on them the whole time all the while in my face telling me he loved me. We would argue because I tried to get him to understand that you can't if you do what you do. What I wasn't aware of what that he would tell people I was his best friend unless it was a male interested in me then it was oh we in love she loves me and blah blah blah.

Fast forward to a year and some change later. He raped me. I told someone at the time and I was laughed at like they didn't believe so I just kept it to myself and him and I went back to the way it was until I moved an hour away. I came back and it was back to business as usual. Then I moved across country and we didn't talk at all. Completely moved on from each other. I wasn't under his control anymore and my past traumas couldn't speak for me. When we did speak it was arguments and him trying to gaslight me some more. Every now and then he tries again and he fails miserably but it wasn't until recently that I realized that I dealt with him and his delusions of love because it was normal for me. The woman influence in my life impacted me that much that my love map was based on it. I dated men who were either too weak like my father or narcissists because of my aunt.

I spent this last decade trying to find what was wrong with me but it was those situations. I attracted what I was used to dealing with negatively. It wasn't me that did anything. Well, in retrospect I allowed these things and situations to happen because I believed what was being told to me. I know now through growth and a handful of positively triggering people that I don't want these people and situations. I still very much attract the same because I'm not fully healed but I don't engage.

Applying this feeling and plan to people i know is another story and definitely a work in progress 😩

If you made it to the bottom of this thanks for reading but thanks for letting me write it cause it feels good to write it down and let it out.