#I'll be real theres a lot more i just dont want to clutter this post lol

[lavendorii]

uh yeah I sure hope it does

[our-inspire-verse]

Suicide**

Long post, vent....*

Thinking about money instantly makes me wanna k*ll myself tbh.

Im so fucking tired of being broke and exhausted and unable to physically do anything to get more money. Its stupid i should live like this. And i know my death is what They want and what They have been pushing us lower people to do and they would win if i did. But im coming to a point where i dont want to be a soldier to fight for the Rebellion. I dont want to die in war. I dont want to live in this much pain. I dont want to go on like this. I do not want to go on.

I quit my job too early even though i had another one lined up because i was fed up and ready to get out. The thought of working 6 more hours with someone who would rather accuse me of stealing and write me up than let me take a small fry because i hadn't eaten in 20 hours.

I needed out, i always need out. Im never safe and im never well and theres nothing i can do to fix that I'm never going to just. Be. Or be okay. Always something owed. Always something i have to do Or Else.

Its always world ending. The north is on fire when it should still be snowing. The reefs are almost gone and i lived to watch it. I cant keep watching it.

None of my 3 computers work. My phone barely loads anything and my room is cluttered with things i cant bring myself to get rid of even though all i do is walk around the same animal exhibit every day and lay in the same spot watching the same things over and over. I always keep the library books i borrow long overdue when renewing them at the very least would only take minutes and a simple few clicks on my phone. I eat far more than i should on days we dont have enough and far too little when i really need it.

I never clean, i never give anything. I never create even when i promise and others need me to. I am nothing and no one and i cant understand why i would ever have mattered. Im just some guy. My great uncle was just, some guy. We all die and he didnt change a whole lot, he just made a bunch of people like him. And thats all i am. I'll never actually affect anything real. I'll never fix anything or improve anyones environment. I'll never have a rhythm set up that i can fall into and keep a routine. I never keep up with medications even when its accessible and available to me. I never solve my own problems. Im so done with all of this i just want it to be over and to be proud of myself without someone shitting on me, leaving me, or thinking im incapable and unnoticeable. Even when im shouting people turn away. I hide away and no one comes looking. I lay down or stand up and cheer and it doesnt change anything. I wish i could die but im just here laying in bed crying because i know i cant. I have too many things i cant leave. Im already damaging the things i cant leave. My roomate would be practically homeless without my financial help and i already cant afford anything, i never buy myself anything ever ever ever ever ever. I bought a kurtis conner ticket because my 2 friends going with me said they'd pay me for theirs and he feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity, i adore him and wanted to go see him. But i shouldn't have spent the money. I only buy food and rent and i cant even afford therapy. I cant afford my hormones. I pay for a minecraft realms subscription because i dont want to lose the world and so many people seem to like it. I stopped picking people up for fun events like dnd or parties. I dont go anywhere i cant walk to or dont need completely to go. I barely use water or electricity or dishes. I cannot take up little enough space to afford to live.