#I'll add this one to AO3 later as a part of previous ff.

[beet-rootesoupevodkabanya]

Nightmare (I'm not good at giving names to writings X₽)

Warning: this is exactly for my dear Feli and other [sane] readers who completely hate seeing Vitya being hurt. Contains references to certain AU I’m fucking sick from.

He didn’t jump up. Didn’t scream. (Old habit to be over cautious.) Just realized that he’s now laying on the bed and it’s night instead of a day. And it’s painful. To breath, to think, to move. To exist. Countless mirroring splinters are stabbed everywhere. And go deeper with every move. Snow King silently raises into sitting position. Pillow is absolutely wet. Tears still stream down over white skin. Warmth of Yuuri’s body is close. It’s enough to lean to it to be healed. But nightmare stubbornly doesn’t let go. Silver-haired Lord of winter tries to inhale deeper. Impossible. It still hurts too much. And doesn’t go away. It was that rare kind of nightmare which won’t disappear at day time but will stay stuck deep into heart and mind. And any detail accidentally similar to it will tear the soul apart with that very familiar glassy splinters. And it’s impossible to talk about it to anyone.

- Vitenka? - soft hand lays on his shoulder. Yuuri reaches for husband’s cheek, feels tears and forcefully turns Victor to face him: - Vitenka, what’s wrong? Again nightmares? It’s been less then a minute since he woke up. But it feels so long already. Warm Yuuri’s fingers are so comforting. What if to fall into his arms and leave all fears behind?… But… Is he real? What’s real here? What if THIS is a dream? And previous vision was a reality? He shivers not even realizing it as well as how tears are still falling. Yuuri’s embrace is not soft anymore. It’s firm and a bit painful. His fingers sink into silver tightly pressing Victor's head to the curve of neck. He rubs with a cheek over winter silk: - Tell me, please… Share it with me… Мой мальчик… Малыш… / My boy… Baby… Let me comfort U… He remembers these words?… In foreign language? Just because he was called like this by his Snow King so often?

But… It didn’t happen in a nightmare… Does it mean it’s for real now?…

Tight embrace is awakening. As well as surprising soft words. And desperate kisses into ear and back of the neck. Finally waking up completely Victor returns the hug holding to Yuuri like to dear life and bursts into tears.

After some minutes of wordless embrace and sobs Yuuri carefully lays his Snow King on the pillow still holding him tight. Soft kisses slowly wipe away tears from pale cheeks. Boy’s fingers go through silver locks, trace sharp cheek bones, lips, neck. Without special purpose. Just sharing sympathy through physical warmth. - Please… Tell me. U won’t feel better if U don’t voice it out. Snow King turns away and tries to smile but lips just childishly tremble instead. Yuuri caresses the corner of his mouth with a soft kiss. Warming it up with breath. Victor turns to him again tightening grip on boy’s ribs. - I saw… That U don’t love me. - Snow King leans to his Kay. Yuuri cups pale face: - Impossible. U’re my everything. My heart, my world, my reason to exist.

Black abyss glitters with reflections of Northern lights. One more kiss caresses bitten lips of Snow King with a soft question. He’d like not to answer. Not to talk about this nightmare at all. But to lean to this milky skin and forget everything being lulled by Yuuri’s heartbeat. But… Some splinters can be left in wound and it’ll still be healed. But some must be taken out whatever it costs… He pulls Yuuri into embrace, buries face into his neck and begins to talk. Chocking with words and sobs. As if being scared to get numb again before telling it all to him.

********************* Actuality Snow King was used to be hated. This nickname he got not for nothing after all… He was glorified, desired but still hated. Same people always wanted him and wanted to see him suffering. Just… As a part of a show… But he never cared about it for real. At first - because he had more serious problems, later - because in comparison with his previous life it didn’t really matter. Lord of Ice and Snow got used to be always alone. Absolutely alone. Physically. Emotionally. Sharing all joys and sorrows only with Makkachin. It stopped bothering long time ago the same way as after unbearable pain minor isn’t felt at all. But Yuuri… It was only a matter of time when happiness from his love will show off it’s other side - the fear to be abandoned. Even stupid fairytale reminded of it. And made things even worse. Normally Snow King was able not to think about stupid things. But being successfully suppressed at day time they returned as nightmares. As a vision of Yuuri who desired for his body but still hated him. And didn’t even hide it.

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- There… There… I’m here for U. My boy, my sunshine… - Yuuri whispers it all caressing husband’s face. - My beloved, darling baby… I love U. Love U so much it’s unspeakable. It can’t be changed. I loved U from early childhood, I stepped to ice only for U. To become closer to U. And I won’t stop loving U even after death, ok?..

He kisses Victor’s forehead. No. Words aren’t enough to heal his Snow King… Bright spots on pale cheeks, insane eyes, shivering with a kind of nervous fever body, cold lips and fingers. He doesn’t cry anymore but shivers and clenches teeth. Even Snow King can have a breakdown. And the least of all Yuuri wants the reason of it to stay unfixed.

- Vitenka… How exactly it was? - he takes silver bangs, a bit wet from cold sweat, away from husband’s eyes. - Lay us the way it happened in your dream.

Expression of Northern Sky changes with countless emotions. From pure fear to perplexity and even embarrassment. But he does as his Kay asked. Strong hands lay Yuuri on his back. Snow King bends to him supporting himself with straightened arms. - Like this?… - makes sure Yuuri, thinks for a second and, after getting a nod, twines hands round Victor’s neck. Everything. Just. Like. In. That. Nightmare. Black abyss stares into icy-blue eyes. With such tenderness Snow King even forgets what they’ve just talked about. Every Yuuri’s touch is loving. Caressing. Darkness envelopes from everywhere. Comforting. Healing. Lulling. Polar night of his eyes which is the love itself. Boy cups Victor’s face, stroking cheeks: - I hate U. Now fuck me. That. Very. Phrase. But from real Yuuri it sounds differently. Like a tender, playful joke. Northern sky frosts. Puzzled. Almost scared. That very words. But… It’s not painful?… Not painful at all. Yuuri’s smile is soft. It drags into black depth of Arctic Ocean where doubts don’t exist. He pokes Victors nose and traces silver locks: - U see? U’ve just heard it from me and nothing bad happened. My little sunshine. My love. Nightmares. Words. They can change nothing. I love U so much…

Snow King listens to his Kay almost without breathing and tries to smile. But lips still tremble. Although now for different reason. Heart aches. To take away old splinters is still painful. Yuuri pulls him closer, kisses shivering lips and presses his head to the chest.

- Listen to me. And never forget whatever nightmare it is… - warm fingers wonders over porcelain skin in soothing caress. - I love U since childhood. Literally from the first sight. U’re my only love and my only Kami. And there’s nothing I desire more then to be your home. Kami needs a world belongs to him. I always wanted to be the world in your hands…. I always thought… If only… If only I could be by your side… U could treat me the way U want. It’s still so. U can beat me, hurt me, use me… I don’t mind. As long as I can at least look at U in person… Any pain from U is welcomed… And…

- No!!! I’d never!!!! - Victor jumps up shocked completely but firm embrace pulls him back. Yuuri’s lips touch his face: - I know, I know, baby… U gave me so much… Much more then I could dream about or simply imagine. U’re my happiness. My God. My everything. But still… I love U not for what U gave me. And even not for your beauty. I just… I looked at U and felt winter. My Yuki no Kami. Snow is a kind of mystical thing in my country. Like a flowing dream. U know… I suffocate without U. If U wasn’t a skater but… I don’t know… Killer? I’d join this sphere to be closer to U.

Yuuri tightens the embrace kissing silver hair. Porcelain body feels still stiff under his hands. But breathing of his King becomes more steady now. Victor raises head to look in black Arctic depth. Northern sky is still clouded with unsure perplexity. But pale cheeks are slightly colored not with feverish bright spots but with polar dawn. Yuuri smiles, stroking his face: - U know what I really hate? I hate that words can’t express how much I love U. Literally nothing can contain all my love to U. If only I could kiss right to your heart…

- Then go to the mirror and kiss the reflection. - mutters Snow King burring face into Yuuri’s chest. And finally his lips drop a weak and short but sincere smile.